


Liberation

by gr8escap



Category: Captain America (Movies), Kings (TV 2009), Political Animals
Genre: Adoption, Codependency, Does this mean Jack Benjamin is an Avenger?, Drug Addiction, Escape, Friendship, Gen, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, On the Run, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Use, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pregnancy, Recovery, Switching
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:56:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 61
Words: 336,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5579308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gr8escap/pseuds/gr8escap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Benjamin has escaped his imprisonment and made his way to NYC.<br/>TJ Hammond has owned his sobriety and decided to make a move to NYC.</p><p>The two are brought together by the fact that they look alike. TJ is put out by the detainment in the airport for what's obviously a case of mistaken identity when he's accused of traveling on forged documents. Jack's life could hang on the line if his detainment is discovered across the world, he's accused of the exact crime he's currently committing, traveling on forged documents. Once the mix-up is cleared up, TJ demands to see the person responsible for his embarrassment. The fact that the man looks so much like him is enough to try to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Escape

Major Jack Benjamin, Prince of Gilboa, had been forced to endure this hell for too long now. He’d been imprisoned by his father for trying to do better for his country. Sure, he’d made the wrong moves, listened to the wrong people and followed the wrong motivations by trying to steal the crown. He knew he should be dead, sometimes even wished for the relief of it. He was now trapped in a luxury suite with someone he could hardly stand to look at, let alone create an heir with. It wasn’t her fault, he’d chosen her in one of those moments of desire for something he knew deep down he’d never obtain. No, not the crown, but the love of his father.

No, it wasn’t Lucinda Wolfsen’s fault they were here initially, but he was starting to suspect that the extended pain of this imprisonment was likely her fault. Eventually he’d performed admirably in consummating their relationship, even after he pushed past the pain of Thomasina’s words as she locked them in this hell. Yet, this virile woman had yet to conceive the coveted heir? Months had passed and she played the doting ‘wife’ role, but he wasn’t having any of that. He was being played again, he could sense a con, he’d used enough people himself to know the signs, it had just taken a while to see them, as engrossed in his grief over Joseph’s death as he’d allowed himself to become all over again.

How many times he’d replayed Thomasina’s words – “close your eyes and think of someone who is dead” in his head in rapid succession until some other words started to creep in, words that didn’t make any sense in the context they’d been given. Now that he had time to turn them around and around in his head, he’d finally realized that his mother, the queen, had said that Joseph had intended to extort money from the family to keep his video secret and then in the same breath she had said Joseph had killed himself. How would Joseph benefit from the money of the crown if he was planning suicide? The more he thought of it, the more he could see the order being given and executed. The more he visualized this plot, the more he hated his mother.

It was one of his darker moments that had allowed him a few minutes of quiet, Lucinda steered clear of his dark moods and was sitting across the suite with a book in her hand, feigning reading he was sure. As he came out of his reverie, he chanced to look in her direction – she had dozed off. He not only resented her because of her placement here, he was starting to despise her because of his suspicions. He was grateful for her slumber. He went to the door as the time for their meal delivery approached. He was ready this time. He was a major in the goddamned army; he could get out of this prison.

The protocol for the meal delivery was complicated in order to keep them sequestered, two guards would enter, the kitchen staff would follow and then two guards were waiting outside. He was counting on one particular guard to be on duty on the outside of the door, one man who’d had more than a passing crush on the prince, who’d had more than a passing fling with the prince to be honest. He was counting on being able to get past this guard, emotional blackmail might be required. It didn’t matter right now that about halfway through his time of incarceration, he’d decided he wasn’t going to live like his parents any more, let’s face it, Jack was desperate. Right now, the other three guards were his concern.

The door opened with a soft knock after the firm voice of the server announcing meal time. The first guard in was taken by surprise when Jack deftly disarmed him and held the gun to the man’s head. “Don’t try anything.” He growled at both inside guards, “Your weapon.” He ordered the second guard. The hesitation didn’t come unexpectedly. Jack wound his arm around the throat of the man he held at gunpoint and squeezed firmly, choking the air from the man, at the same time he turned his gun to the second guard, “your gun.” He growled again, keeping his voice low.

The second guard removed his weapon and seemed to weigh the opportunity to fire against his likelihood of surviving against the Prince. The weapon was turned around and handed over. “You two – in the closet. Now.” He commanded the guards and watched smugly as they complied. He wedged an ornate chair back under the knob of the closet. He gave the servants a look of apology “do not let them out, lock this behind me, everyone is free to go in one hour. Not one minute sooner.” and skirted around them, out the door he’d indicated, noting the nods but not counting on any such compliance. The guards were surprised when it was Jack out the door and not the servants. One guard went for his gun, “you don’t want to do that.” Jack said menacingly. He turned the guns on the man as punctuation to his threat. “Remain completely silent.”

The other guard whispered, “Sir, do you know what you’re doing?” Jack didn’t spare the young brunette a glance, but knew concern was behind the question.

“I know you’re going to let me go. You know what they’re doing is wrong.”

“Look at me Jack.”

“Do _not_ use my name here.” He admonished. “Don’t expose me, please.” This last part came out as a soft plea.

“Sir.” He softly said, and Jack spared a single glance at the boy in a man’s uniform, the boy he’d spent pleasant nights with once upon a time. “Where will you go?”

“Far, far away. Your guns – give me both guns.” The words came out over a lump in his throat but his hands were steady and he watched each of them, waiting for someone to call his bluff or try to physically overtake him. He tucked one of the weapons he was currently holding into his waistband behind his back and took one of the offered weapons, he then repeated the action, now armed with four weapons, he ordered the one man to his knees. “You will restrain him.” He ordered the young brunette.

“Yes sir.” He whispered as he complied. “I could accompany you sir, help you get out of the city.”

“No, I’ve got a better idea. You’ll be much safer here restrained in the hallway – if you were to be caught you’d be shot.” Not to mention Jack would be safer counting on himself and only himself to get out of this mess. “Hook one of those cuffs on your right hand. Sit with your back to him.”

The guard did as instructed, trying not to show weakness. Not for the sake of his partner, but to try to impress Jack. Jack looped the free cuff bracelet between the arms of the confined guard and hooked it tightly to the young brunette guard’s wrist, linking them together.

“Don’t call out,” Jack said softly to the pair as he made his way to the end of the hall and peered around the corner. He made his way to the secret passage, ducking behind doorways and decorative elements when necessary. His heart was rushing in his head and his breathing was elevated from the adrenaline rush. He was out but by no means free. He knew, his luck as it had been recently, that he was likely to be caught or shot within the next three minutes but this was the most alive he’d felt in months.

When Jack had cleared the tunnels and was finding his way in the open air, he allowed himself to hope, rather briefly, that he might actually make it. He touched the packet of documents in his breast pocket through the layers and prayed that the meticulously forged documents would keep him free. Secrets had been his only weapon during his captivity, a very powerful weapon to his mind, since secrets had been the way he’d lived his entire life. Once his plan to escape had started to look possible, he’d known from whom to extort the required travel documents in spite of his incarceration. These documents would hopefully get him far away from GIlboa, far away from everything that his father had ever touched. He’d discovered himself as he was forced to sit, day in and day out; he’d discovered that a crown hadn’t set well in his heart it would never set well upon his head.

He’d also discovered that he truly wanted to find out for himself what things he desired. He had just enough money from his clandestine plotting to get away; he’d have to find something to do in order to turn this money into more. If he weren’t so recognizable, perhaps gambling in Morocco.

Jack found himself thinking over the things the queen had said again. She stood there and yes, she’d lied before but this time, she had looked him in the eye and said one horrible thing and on the same breath said something even worse. He was convinced his mother had ordered Joseph executed. He scrubbed a tear from his cheek as he maneuvered through the brush. He needed to stop replaying that – he had to let the grief filled months be enough. He couldn’t focus right now, or ever really, on avenging Joseph. He had to do right by him by being himself and finding happiness.

The farther he got from the city as the hours passed, the less he worried about anything. He drew on his training as a soldier and his experiences in the field. He found cover and took inventory of what he had on hand. Cash, documents, layers of warm clothing and his wits. He made his way to the river and hoped that the name Prosperity would finally be in his favor.

On the bank of the river, Jack wandered following the current and scanning the banks on either side for both people and a boat. People he wished to desperately avoid, the boat, he hoped he would find soon, and he could follow the current to the sea. Under his breath he recited his new identity, James Barnes, James, Hello, I’m James. Yes, I do have a reservation, Barnes, James Barnes. He could wrap his head around it, the same initials, a strong single syllable name, easily covering a “J” slip if he started to use his own name. This name was inspired; he sent silent thanks into the universe for the person who’d supplied it and an equally silent apology for his threats to expose the artist’s penchant for more intrusive forgeries than just fake documents. Who was he to judge another man’s sins?

The darkness was giving way to day by the time he spotted the boat tied to a dock. Jack cringed as he stepped onto the dock and his shoes made a sharp thud on the wood. He looked around expecting the noise to have roused someone, even though the cabin the boat and dock belonged to were set far back from the river bank. Exhaling the breath he’d sharply drawn at the sound, he took another tentative step, much quieter due to his diligence. He silently made his way to the end of the dock and lowered himself into the boat. He sank to the seat in weary relief before leaning to untether the boat and reel in the rope. He squared his shoulders and took up the oars.

After what seemed like hours, Jack was heated and his shoulders screamed from the rowing. He seated the oars and shrugged out of the first layer; his heavy sweater was rolled up and set away from any splash zone. He spotted a canvas cube shaped container and flipped the flap over to see inside. Bottles of water, bottles of ale and some dried meat. He had either been given a gift or had simply hijacked the boat of someone who had been set for a day of fishing. He opted to see it as a gift and tore into the jerky. The water was next. He downed one bottle of it in practically one go, before pulling a second out and setting it next to him. He continued to bite off and chew the jerky as he contemplated what he would do once he reached the sea. This fishing boat was for the river only. Could he possibly arrange passage on a boat? What would the people he’d likely come into contact say or do? How could he convince someone to help him?

“I refuse to think that I’m going to end up back in that hell.” He allowed himself to say aloud.

 

* * *

 

 

Thomas James Hammond, TJ, the firstborn son of two presidents former president Bud Hammond and current president Elaine Barrish. TJ was tired, no, he was exhausted. He was 18 months clean and sober and his mother was just entering her first term as President of the United States. The past 24 months had been hell, especially the clean ones. TJ had been hounded by press, his mother had taken him to task multiple times for trying to ruin her campaign. Each time it was a tabloid lie that had gotten under her campaign weary thin skin.

“You have to believe me, these are lies!” he’d screamed back at her finally the last time. “I know I’ve been a disappointment throughout my entire life but just this once, believe me. I haven’t touched a single thing, not coke, or pills, I’ve suffered through bland boring events for you with nothing more potent than water and you attack me based on a rag that can’t even tell the truth in its advertisements!”

He’d stormed out then not knowing where he would go but firmly grasping the tenuous sobriety he was increasingly proud of. Once he figured out where he needed to go, he had gone back “home” to Grandpa Hammond’s farm and this is where he’d been holed up for the week, padding around the place in his bare feet, playing lively songs and sad songs on the piano and thinking about what kind of future he really wanted. The club had been the closest thing but even that had been the wrong place at the wrong time.

Douglas Hammond, TJ’s twin brother, pulled into the long drive and parked the truck just outside the farmhouse. He had finally given in to curiosity and not just a little fear after so many ignored phone calls over an entire week. He acted on a hunch, recalling the one place they both seemed to need to escape to in the wake of the insanity of their mother’s ambition and had headed out for the farm. He stood leaning on the door to the truck, looking at the house where he’d had so many pleasant memories, the most recent being his marriage to his beautiful wife Anne. He smiled and pushed off the truck and retraced the steps of a reserved child, tumultuous teen, love-sick groom and now concerned brother to the door of the beautiful farmhouse. He checked his steps on the wood porch, not wanting to spook his brother should he be inside. He paused at the door, hoping he would find no bad news today. Swallowing a lump in his throat, he pulled the screen door toward him, unlocked the solid wood entry door and paused again, sending up a silent prayer. “TJ” he called as he opened the door to the farmhouse.

“Dougie?” TJ sounding hyped, rounded the corner in a rumpled tee shirt and stockinged feet, the sight concerned Douglas immediately.

“God, TJ. Everyone’s been worried about you, what have you –” his face fell as his fears gripped him and he couldn’t bring himself to finish the accusation.

“So little faith, Dougie.” TJ smiled a sad smile, “I’m still clean – honest look for yourself. You won’t find a single thing here except for fresh eggs right from the bird, well water and thank god, bottled water.”

“What have you been doing then?” his disbelief couldn’t be masked and he felt so terrible for being this person.

“Hiding from everyone. I guess I need to brush up on my skills, since you found me.” He led the way into the living room where he had been writing out some of his ideas. “If you’ll excuse the mess, this is my latest obsession.”

Doug looked around the room, brightly lit by open curtains and shutters, papers spread across the piano, the sofa and the coffee table, he picked up the glass on the piano and sniffed it – knowing he was being watched and hating himself for it.

“I can get you one of the previously mentioned waters if you’d like.” Was all his twin brother said, the hurt in his voice completely unmasked. “I don’t recommend the well water.”

“It’s not like you can blame me TJ.” Was all Doug could say and he didn’t like himself any more for saying it.

“I can, and I will. I can’t be around you people. You’re all my family and I love you but you’re all toxic. Sorry Dougie, I thought maybe you’d be an exception but, well, it’s not like you can blame me.” He parroted his brother’s statement.

“Wow, TJ, right out of the gate?”

“You came to me. I was fine not being found for a while longer. I can’t keep answering to all of you, the only person I need to answer to right now is me. I’m doing well. I’m proud of myself and I may be leaving a mess here” he gestured the chaos of papers, “but I’m creating something that I’m equally proud of. I need your negativity to go. GO report to the President of the United States that her failure of a son is clean and sober and would like to stay that way thank you very much. I’m pretty sure you have a job to do as well, so I won’t keep you.” TJ thrust a bottle of water at his brother harshly, “they’re portable, and you can take it to go.”

“So, are you done being an asshole yet? I didn’t come here for Mom. I was genuinely worried about you TJ. And yeah so I check up on you.” He pointed at the water glass that had instigated the hurt he saw now. “I needed to know for me. You do know one of the hallmarks of an addict don’t you TJ? Lies, I have heard them and heard them and I still fall for them. So yes, I sniffed your glass. I’m a complete prick but I love you.”

“I love you too, that’s been established, but Dougie, I can’t handle the negativity. It’s why I left in the first place.”

“What are you going to do?” Douglas asked, not knowing if he wanted to know the answer.

“First, I plan on finishing this song. After that? I don’t know. I think I need to get away from DC. I need to find out who I am Dougie.”

“A song? That’s what all of this is? Now you have me curious.” Douglas was nervous about TJ leaving but a small voice was saying this might be just the thing TJ needed. Small voices usually needed to be silenced but he had to admit; everyone thought they knew what was best for TJ and nobody thought TJ knew anything. That approach hadn’t worked. He would not silence the small voice this time. “Tell you what, you play what you have and I’ll leave. I’ll buy you the time to figure things out. I’ll even help you get out of DC if you promise to check in with me. And – if you promise… you have to **promise** you’ll call me if you slip. I’ll help you get away from this TJ, because you’re right.” And as much as it hurt to say that, for Douglas to admit to possibly being wrong, it made up for it when the pure joy lit his brother’s face.

TJ circled the coffee table and picked through the papers on the sofa, pulling two out and scrutinizing them before rounding to the piano. He set them on the music rack in the order he wanted them. Doug leaned on the piano and watched his brother seat himself and noticed the childlike glee and the adult terror warring on his brother’s face.

“I’m just interested in what has you so excited, TJ. I am not here to judge you, I promise.” TJ’s eyes flitted to the window before searching his brother’s face for acceptance. Slowly he sought eye contact hoping to find truth and not patronization there. His face softened into a fond smile as he laid his fingers to the keys. The happy tune that danced under TJ’s fingers made Doug beam, he was too aware of the lack of happiness in his brother’s existence so this song, this happy noise, was a gift. The song softly ended and Doug wished it hadn’t. “TJ…” he paused, searching for meaningful praise and not something empty or flippant. “Man, Teej, that’s really,” he wiped his eye and noticed TJ beaming, ready to punch the air, ready to tear into him for being a sap. “Really got potential.” He winked.

TJ bolted around the piano and grabbed his brother in a hug. “Sap.”

“Maybe I am. But that was really beautiful.” Doug hugged TJ back. “I mean it TJ, you seem to need this next step – so as hard as it is to let go, I’m going to. I’ll buy you time and talk to Mom. I’ll keep her from coming after you. As long as you check in with me, it’s not too much to ask, you’re my brother.”

“I’ll call, we can skype, don’t hold me to a schedule Dougie – but I promise I won’t drop off the face of the earth.”

“That’s the best I’m going to get?”

“You know phones work both ways, right?”

“Do you? ‘Cause I’ve called you a lot this past week. A lot!”

“I know – I just needed to get away – you know sober people do it all the time. I think a year and a half sober would buy me a little vacation time.”

“I know; I’m working on that. You deserve at least that much.” Doug straightened a stack of papers on the sofa to make space for sitting and set them gently nearby as he sat on the edge of the cushion, “So where is it you’re thinking of spreading your wings? Or aren’t you going to tell me?”

“I was actually thinking New York,” TJ wasn’t imagining the sudden tension in his brother’s neck muscles as he clenched and unclenched his fist nor was the vein at his temple a figment of his imagination, “now don’t get all overprotective or anything, you can score drugs in any town in the nation. I was hoping to shop this and another song while I figure out exactly if that’s what I want to do or if there’s something else that’s my true calling. I know it’s not a solid plan, but neither is hanging out here freeloading and being looked down on.”

‘TJ…”

“Douglas… it’s happened. It’s been happening.”

“I know, give me a second to speak – I was going to say that this sounds terrifying but it also sounds exciting. You deserve a stepping off point and this – your song – might be just the thing.”

“There are more in here,” TJ tapped his temple with a grin, “It’s been so freeing!”

“You’re going to have to be careful, musicians and New York? Just surround yourself with the right kind of people TJ.”

Doug’s tone was careful and caring, and TJ didn’t even find it condescending. “I know, I’ve thought a lot about that too.” TJ paused as he crossed the room and pulled his phone from his jacket pocket, “I have a few contacts for support groups, I have a friend there who will be my sponsor – I can give you her info. I really want you to believe in me – someone needs to believe in me.” He ended just above a whisper. He took a screenshot of the contact sent it to Doug’s phone in a text.

“I want to TJ. That’s not the best answer, I know.”

“If it’s the best you’ve got, I’ll take it. We can’t do better than our best, no matter who expects us to Dougie.”

“Words to live by.” Doug smiled as he rose from the sofa. “I need to get back – how much longer will you be here? Do you have everything you’ll need to make the move?”

“I think another week if I can. I’m pretty sure I can make the move ok; I was thinking I’d take the train.”

“Let me get you on a flight, that way you can save your train fare and get there sooner. I’ll keep it all from Mom to buy you some time. You should call her once you’re settled, let her know you have a place. _Do you_ have a place?”

“I was going to stay with my friend and sponsor, just until I could find something.”

“Is she ok with that? Should I try to arrange something for you?”

“Douglas, you’re doing it again. I’ve made arrangements, she’s fine with it. It’s safe and in a decent area. I’m free to stay as long as I need to and if I want to I can stay longer and start paying rent. Call her if you really need to do this.”

“You’re right, I’m doing it again. I just want you to be safe; I need to have answers to keep Mom from exploding worse than she’s going to. I trust you’ve made the right call, but you have to let me do the flight thing as a going away gift.”

“If you insist.” TJ smiled, yanking his brother into another hug. “I’ll take it.”


	2. Chapter 2

When Jack made the coast without being noticed, and ditched the boat, he had to resist doing a celebratory dance. He was feeling just a bit giddy; he blamed the sun which had burned overhead for the better part of his trip. During the harshest heat of the day he’d wished for a cap as his nose had started to sting and his cheeks started to feel hot. He had kept drinking water, he'd even stripped to a single layer and had covered parts of his head and face with his tee shirt. He’d resisted drinking the ale but now he popped one open and celebrated by drinking it and toasting the air. He knew he was only just beginning and he needed to be even more careful now but he had been on the go throughout the night and most of the day. Still, Jack gave himself permission to feel just the slightest bit happy.

Before he left the boat, Jack put his shirts back on. He picked up the four pistols he’d gotten from the guards; he’d removed them from his waistband early in the boat trip. He unloaded two and put the ammunition for them into his pockets after ensuring the other two were sufficiently supplied. He buried the two empty weapons in the wet dirt and tucked the loaded two back in his waistband. Last but not least, he grabbed the last two water bottles and the remaining jerky. He tucked the documents back into the breast pocket of his jacket and peered around before setting off to the pier. His steps were careful as he kept watch and made his way. Once there, an unmanned pleasure boat was secured, it was just sitting there – like a gift. Jack scrutinized the area and thought long and hard before making his way onto the boat. He was already guilty of treason, he hadn’t yet acted on the forged documents but he was planning to, he’d stolen a smaller boat. His crimes were just accumulating. Sure he was feeling remorse but he also felt the lure of possible freedom. Of course freedom won out – he couldn’t think of the alternatives.

He boarded the boat, headed for the cabin and started the engine. He saw a ball cap hanging from one of the pegs on the wall and put it on, pulling it low on his forehead. “Demoted. From _Major_ Benjamin to Captain. Captain James Barnes.” He practiced the name again as he pulled away from the pier trying to ignore the pounding of his heart in his ears. He went north for miles, as far as he could with the fuel on board. Having emptied the reserve fuel cans hours ago he moved the craft closer to land as the gauge dipped. He was startled from drifting off when the engine sputtered, the hours of no sleep catching up to him. He shut down the engine and the lights. Jack stepped out from the cabin and found the seating area pleasant enough. He judged that there would be a few hours still before daylight. Settling on the makeshift sofa, he laid back and looked up at the stars, identifying the constellations as he tried to figure out what his next move would be.

Jack was awakened hours later by the splashing sounds near the boat. His heart leapt as he thought it must be the militia coming to snatch him back to hell. As he sat up and the pounding in his ears lessened, he looked around carefully. He was still not close enough to land for someone to just come wading up to the rig. He leaned over the side where the splashing was closest and saw dolphins nearby playing and swimming in circles around the boat. “You could have done this anywhere.” He grumbled. “You didn’t have to give me a heart attack.” Yet there was the slightest hint of a smile on his face.

He watched the porpoises as they frolicked for the longest time, then the five of them leapt and swam away just before the sky was painted with purple then gold light. Jack used the dim sunlight to search the boat and was pleased to find supplies to not only get him to shore but to carry through the day. He loaded water and the only food he could find, dried fruit and crackers, into a waterproof pack that he’d found in one of the storage cabinets, he rooted through the rest of the storage and found a first aid kit and added that to the things to load up. He changed from his clothes into a pair of swim trunks that he found folded up with a bunch of other suits and towels in the cargo area under one of the seats. He methodically rolled his clothes into tight rolls, ensuring that the ammunition that was in his pants pockets didn’t roll out, and stuffed them into the bag around the snacks and the two pistols then inflated the walls of the bag.

Jack paused for a minute to think about the blessings he’d had encountered since enacting his escape, a clear exit; a boat – now two boats – both with food and water; a visit from the dolphins, which he decided he would embrace the myths that they were a good omen, Jack could use a good omen about now. He hoped beyond hope that this wasn’t a dream and that he was now wide awake and wouldn’t wake later to see himself still in hell. He held onto hope that all of these blessings were signs from some power, he wasn’t even sure which, that he would make it.

Jack braced for the cold, he could already feel the chill breeze on his bare chest, he held tight to the bag – his documents and cash secure inside with everything else – and leapt into the water. The cold was as terrible as he expected, the initial blast of it stealing his breath and causing him to curse as the bag he held left his grasp

He regained control of his breathing and swam the few feet the bag had floated off course. It hadn’t sunk which was his initial fear, but the inflated walls had held up and the bag had drifted over the water a few feet away before he located it bobbing along the surface. He grasped it urgently and made for the coast.

Once Jack was on land he pulled the clothes out of the bag, inspecting its contents for leaks. Satisfied that his clothes were dry, he stepped out of the swim trunks and tossed them aside. Shivering in the cool morning air, he dressed as quickly as the fabric would slide over his wet skin. “Fucking cold.” He shivered and cursed as the air made his cold fingers fumble with the zipper and button on his pants. Once clothed, he put one of the pistols back in the waistband of his pants and left the other in the bag.

Deciding to head inland was a tough choice to make but it was his only real option. He would have to try to put his new documents to use at an airport; it might as well be sooner rather than later. As Jack stepped beyond the tree line his training kicked in once again. He was grateful for the cover of the trees, his burned nose and cheeks were soothed by the application of some aloe from the first aid kit off the boat and the shade was a huge relief. He’d burned some wood for soot to blacken below his eyes to increase visibility in the bright light of the sunny day. The aloe was helping that to stick, although he was sure he looked like quite a mess.

What he wouldn’t give for a pair of his designer sunglasses, he allowed himself to muse – well for that he was certain he wouldn’t give his freedom so soot it would have to be. Once he recreated himself as soon as he got out of this living nightmare he’d buy himself whatever he desired.

He’d been hiking the woods for a couple of hours judging by the sun when he heard voices shouting, and he nearly jumped out of his skin realizing he was the object of their shouting. “You there!” the angry voice called. “This is private land – poachers aren’t welcome here.”

Jack turned, certain someone anxious about poachers would not let him run far before plugging him with buckshot at the very least. “here we go, James…” he mumbled to himself reminding himself of his alias. “Sir, I’m terribly sorry,” ‘god I hope they don’t recognize me’ “My boat –” he gestured to the direction he’d been coming from, “ran out of fuel and I thought maybe a town would be in this direction.”

“Boat huh?” the man looked at Jack and then at the man next to him, “Yeah, you look fancy under all that dirt.”

“Sir.” Jack nodded, “I’ve been walking a few hours – the soot is for the sun. I got a little burned on a pleasure cruise – forgot the sunscreen all together.” He knew muttering, rambling, shy boys got one of two reactions, completely taken in or completely tuned out. He’d settle for either… but was hoping for taken in, “You wouldn’t be able to help me get to the next town would you?”

The younger man who had yet to speak opened up, “I could take him, I’m due in town this afternoon. What do you think Pop?”

The older man lowered his rifle, looked at Jack and scratched his short whiskers. “Don’t see where that would be a problem. You got a name, son?”

“Yes, yes sir, James.”

“Well, James, this would be your lucky day, you didn’t get shot and you can even clean up before you have to show that smudged, dirty face in town.”

“Yes Sir. I do think my luck isn’t too bad today, except for the fuel of course. Thank you both so much.” He effused wiping a conscious hand across his nose, “Cleaning up would be much appreciated!” following the duo, who Jack learned were Marc and Joseph Bennett, father and son respectively. His heart skipped at the son's name. They made their way deeper into the forest and Jack started to wonder if he was being lured to some squalid shed where he’d be murdered or if they knew who he was and was being sold to bounty hunters. Finally they came upon a nicely appointed cabin in the middle of a small clearing. There were lace curtains in the windows and smoke was billowing out of the chimney. A newer model pickup was off to the side of the house and two dogs ran up to greet and inspect the trio, especially the newcomer.

“Now Sasha! Billy! Down with you. James here doesn’t need you all up in his business.” And they were, too, bounding around Jack excitedly, sniffing his bag and his ass and all points in between. Sasha stopped in front of him at the order and planted herself in a perfect sit while Billy did what he wanted and stood on his hind legs, planted front paws on Jack’s shoulders and started kissing him in the face. “They won’t hurt you.” The senior Bennett offered, “Just make utter nuisances of themselves.”

Jack stopped, standing still from the shock and then laughed at the absurdity and the joy of these two expectant creatures, getting a tongue in the mouth for doing so. “Nobody’s been so happy to see me in a long time. I’ll take it.” He mused, sadness in his eyes as he unconsciously scratched Billy’s ears.

“Ruthie!” Mr. Bennett called out, “Call off your hounds.”

A small woman stepped out the front door, her hands on her hips, the sun lighting her red braid like a flame, “Sasha, Billy, come away – leave the poor boy be.” She called punctuating her words with a sharp whistle. The dogs turned and ran up to her, plopping down in a perfect sit simultaneously. She pulled some treat out of the pocket of her down fill vest and gave it to each, “bed” she ordered and watched as they both retreated to the porch and curled up on mats. She closed the distance between the house and Jack, “what have we here?” the woman, who must be old enough to be his mother, held out her hand, “Ruth Bennett. You look quite a sight young man.”

“Yes ma’am.” Jack shook her firm, work-worn hand, reflecting on how comforting it felt versus the unspoiled, soft unused hands of both women and men at court. “my boat ran out of fuel, it was a long walk.”

“I know all about that, Marc called ahead – I have a hot bath all ready for you. Come inside. Are you hungry?” She was beautiful, her blue eyes twinkling and her red hair alight in the sun, her youthful face was glowing with pride and he couldn’t guess how she could be old enough to be Joseph’s mother. She slid her arm around Jack’s waist and led him to the porch.

“Ma’am, I don’t want to be any trouble.” Jack protested lightly, uncomfortable with such openness and familiar treatment.

“I won’t hear a word of that. Would you be so kind as to leave your weapon at the door? Just there on the shelf above the rack.” Of course, she must have felt it there under her arm around his waist.

“Yes Ma’am.” Jack blushed, removing the pistol and laying it on the shelf; he removed the ammunition and the rest of the contents of his pockets and dumped them into his bag before looping the strap of the bag over one of the pegs on the rack. “I’m James, by the way.” He offered, turning to see her smile as he complied with her request.

“Yes, Marc told me that as well, welcome James. I hope you’re not in too much of a hurry to get to town. That bath will do you good and I have some lamb stew and biscuits almost ready to serve.”

Jack’s mouth watered at the words and as he took his next breath the aroma hit him hard in the stomach. “That would be wonderful, I don’t –”

“I hope we’re not going to have to go over that again.” She said with a sideways look, studying him.

“No, Ma’am, Thank you.” Jack retreated from his protest.

“Good. Now no more of this ‘ma’am’ nonsense, I’m Ruth.” She smiled again as the men came in, “Joe – would you go get James something from your closet, you two look to be of a similar size. He should change into something fresh and clean after that dip in the tub. And as for you,” she took his hand and he was practically overwhelmed by the kindness he was being showered with, as she tugged him toward the bathroom. “Come along. The bath water won’t get any warmer.”

“Yes M – uh, Ruth.” Jack felt as shy as the put-on he’d adopted in the forest at her kindness and warmth.

Soon enough, Jack was stripping his clothes and placing them in a pile right outside the door as he’d been instructed. He sank down into the still-hot bath water, it felt like every bone and muscle melted into the warmth. He used the soft, sweet smelling cloth to wash his face, even its softness feeling harsh on his burned cheeks and nose and forehead. He added the Bennetts to his list of blessings as he thought about his next move.

Jack came out of the bathroom feeling surprisingly comfortable in his borrowed clothes, thankful for the warmth and for finally feeling clean after the past two days. His clothes had been removed from where he’d left them and the three Bennetts sat around a small, sturdy table near the kitchen. “You’re just in time.” Ruth Bennett called out as she rose to move to the oven. “Biscuits are just finishing. Sit.”

As if he were accustomed to being led and ordered instead of doing the ordering, Jack sat next to Marc and Joe at the table. “I don’t know what to say, thank you for your kindness – this has been the brightest part of my day. Maybe even my year.” ‘Definitely my year’ Jack thought.

Joe let out a chuckle, “This is just a Tuesday.”

Jack found it much easier to be around Joe than he’d thought it would be back when his heart had lurched during introductions. This man was so different from Joseph that the laugh that burst from him was genuine. The laughter was still trailing from his lips as Ruth passed by and placed a plate and bowl of the most delicious smelling food in front of him. It only just registered in the back of his mind that she hadn’t followed any protocol or etiquette in doing so and it didn’t bother him in the slightest.

“I hope you’ll let me doctor up that sunburn before you go, you young boys just don’t seem to understand the importance of sun safety.” She fussed as she lowered her slight figure onto the sturdy wood chair.

“I’d like that.” Jack admitted. “This is delicious Mrs. B- Ruth.” He corrected as he saw her glance up at him with a half-smile. “Some of the best food I’ve tasted.”

She grinned with pride “That kind of talk will get you seconds.”

“Ma’s cooking is the best in the land – just, we got lazy a long time ago and she doesn’t hear it as often as she should.” Joe smiled at Jack then his mom.

“Nonsense.” She blushed. “Don’t let him fill your head with such nonsense on that drive into town now James. He’s full of it.”

“Yeah, she doesn’t hear it near often enough.” Joe laughed. “Doesn’t even know how to take a compliment anymore.”

“Ruth, you should hear every day how kind you are and how wonderful your cooking is.” Jack smiled. “I’ll make sure to remind Joe of this over every mile.”

After a second helping of both lamb stew and biscuits, Jack was ordered to stay in his seat while Ruth gathered salve and soft cloths to doctor his sunburned face as promised. He looked up into her soft blue eyes, noticing the crinkles at the sides, laugh lines for sure, since this woman knew humor and joy. He closed his eyes momentarily biting back tears as he rolled his lip in his teeth. She smoothed his hair from his forehead and gently washed his skin with a cotton cloth dipped into a cool mint tea mixture. “You really did get your poor fair skin burned James.” She tutted, as she repeatedly dipped the cloth into the tea mixture and bathed his reddened forehead, cheeks and nose.

“That feels nice.” He sighed, feeling comfort and love from someone he’d met just hours ago or less. He buried a sob that was straining to get out. He never felt so cared for and as much as it felt good, it hurt. One of the dogs nudged his leg and plopped down on top of his feet, looking down he discovered it was his kissing buddy Billy.

“Mint tea, cools. Followed by aloe,” she said as she applied the sticky gel, “fresh from the plant, both of them grown here for silly boys who don’t use sunscreen.”

“Ma, are you almost finished admonishing poor James? We should head out soon; I need to be to the airport on time to pick up Marie.”

Jack’s heart skipped hearing airport, he would be closer than he’d imagined, sooner than he’d hoped. He would have to make that move sooner than expected and the thought thrilled him and terrified him.

“I’m just finishing up, mister impatient. If you want to help me hurry things along, you can get James’ clothing from the dryer.” She handed Jack two small bottles wrapped in a soft clean cloth, “This is for later, keep doctoring this and you might not even peel.” She kissed the sticky tip of his nose.

“Thank you Ruth, for everything. You and your family have been a godsend – especially when they could have just shot me for trespassing.”

“You’re welcome James, and you’re welcome to come back any time. Are you sure there isn’t something else we can do for you?”

“You’ve done so much. I wish I could repay you.”

“Your company and your smiles and laughter are payment enough. That, and the next time you go out partying on your boat, try not to get so carried away that you forget the important things like sunscreen and fuel. You could have ended up stranded at sea!”

“On my honor, no more crazy boat trips.” He promised with all honesty. Joe returned from another room with Jack’s clothing all folded neatly, he dropped them unceremoniously into Jack’s lap with a smile. The warm scent from the dryer, sweet and soothing, filled his senses. He moved his foot to alert the sleeping dog on top of it that he was about to disturb its nap before standing and moving carefully away from the beast. The dog never moved. He continued across the room to his bag and placed the folded clothing inside, “You keep giving me more to be thankful for Ruth, and more to be indebted to you for.” He smiled as he secured the bag.

“We’ve covered that.” She smiled fondly, crossing the room and pulling him into a hug. “You’re a sweet boy. Don’t you forget that.”

“Hmm. Never really been called sweet before,” He mused, hugging tightly, feeling an urge to never let go and a sadness that forced him to step back slightly, “Never really had the chance to be sweet I guess. You bring out the best in me.”

“Well then think of me often and stay this way.” She said, waving to him as he stepped outside. “Joe, you be careful getting there, and tell Marie how much I’ve missed her. Don’t you dare try to make the drive back home in the dark. We can wait until tomorrow to reunite.”

“You’re right Ma, as always.” He smirked pulling his mother into a crushing hug before following Jack outside the door. “Tell Pop I’ll get to those stumps tomorrow when we get back.”

Once inside the pickup, Jack asked “Your mom; is she always that welcoming?”

“Oh Ma’s a friendly woman but it’s guaranteed if Billy likes you, she’s going to like you. That dog is a sharp judge – god knows what he sees in people. Can’t stand most people, loves up on very few. Ma trusts him, more than she trusts anyone. Can’t recall a time he was ever wrong.”

“Probably today.” Jack mused aloud. “I’ve never been the best person.”

“Well, then like Ma says, think of her and stay this way. You got good in you, James. It’s plain to see.”

Uncomfortable from kind words Jack moved to change the subject, “So Marie? Is she your sister?”

“Naw, fiancé. She’s just getting back from a temporary relocation for her company. She’s been away for about 4 months and it’s finally over. Ma’s going to have an empty house when we get married. Probably part of the reason she was so maternal with you – although thinking of it, she doted over all the kids my brother and I had following us in and out of the house growing up. He’s up and moved away. We’ll be much closer than Paul is but still, she’s going to have an empty nest soon.”

The burst of communication was more a nervous energy than a prediction of the ride, once the words had settled, Joe was back to his pleasant, quiet demeanor and flipped the truck stereo on and inserted a disc. “The reception out here isn’t good enough for radio, flip through that if this is too annoying.” He offered, indicating the visor disc holder. “Pop’s not as caught up on technology as the rest of us.” He smiled.

After a couple of amiable hours on the road, they could see the city ahead of them, “So, James – where will I be taking you?”

“The airport is as good as anywhere.” Jack smiled, “I’ve been considering a new beginning and thanks to you and your family, I’ve realized I might just be on the right track.”

As they pulled up to the Airport load and unload zone, Jack realized he still had two weapons in his bag and cameras were bound to be everywhere. He crafted another lie, hoping it wouldn’t count against him, “Joe, these were left on my boat after a party – I really don’t even know where they came from – too many of the wrong people, I guess. I grabbed them for protection before heading out to find fuel. I can’t take them in, if I leave them with you, could you drop them somewhere or something?”

“Sure, I’ll take them to a police station tomorrow on my way back home.” Innocent Joe replied without a flinch.

“That would be great, perfect.” Jack released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “I’m glad I never had to use them.”

“Me too – since I was one of the possible threats you came up against.” Joe laughed, putting Jack at ease a little more. They separated with more thanks after Jack put the weapons in the glove compartment of the truck.

Now he was alone again, his face heated from more than just a sunburn, he felt more loved today than he had for much longer than he could remember and he was leaving that behind too. He took a deep breath and pulled out his documents. Pushed himself off toward the ticket counter and bought a ticket for the first flight out, New York City, USA.

At the gate he pushed out all thoughts except for those of his new name, Ruth and her tender touch and the dolphins playing. The ticket agent took his ticket, reviewed his ID and allowed him passage. Now Jack was on the plane, putting his bag in the overhead, sitting in the seat, buckling his seatbelt. He took a deep breath and let it out. He wanted to smile, he wanted to laugh, but he remained calm. He waited through the flight attendant’s safety instructions and the taxi and takeoff, each time releasing a soft breath, each time surprising himself again about having been holding the breath in the first place. He made it.

* * *

 

On the morning of TJ’s flight, he’d risen with the sun, excitement bubbling over as he gathered his last minute things and tossed them into the bag he was taking as a carry on to New York. The week had passed rather quickly, he’d finished the song he’d been working on and he’d gotten just two phone calls from Doug in the time that passed, the first one with his flight information and the second one came just the night before to wish him “good luck tomorrow”

He was excited but he was nervous, the conversation with Doug when he’d visited had weighed on him, especially the part about the line of business he was choosing and the party, nightlife, atmosphere of the city he was headed to. He dropped a quick text to his friend and sponsor.

                “Hey Janie – a little nervous. Tell me NYC is not a stupid move with my sobriety.”

She rang the phone instantly, “TJ – I’m living proof. Come! Bunk with me and I’ll show ya the best parts of the city for sober folk. We’ll have a blast.”

“Flight’s today. I’m just having doubts.” He told her as he scooped up his bag.

“Say ‘no’ to the hard stuff on the flight. Drink water. Bring a book. It’s a short trip.”

“Yeah, I know all that thanks. It’s after I get there.”

“I’ll pick you up. When do you get in?”

“Thanks but I’m ok there. I’ve got a car picking me up – Douglas. My flight comes in at 11:20 which should put me at your place by noon? Will you be there to let me in or do I need to go sightseeing first?”

“I knew I should have overnighted you a key.” She sounded frustrated, “I’ll get there – it might be a bit closer to one though.”

“I’m sorry Janie. Ok, I’ll grab something to eat then, any recommendations between JFK and your place?”

“Don’t be sorry I just remembered a meeting, I’m glad your brother got you a car after all. Food recommendations? Oh just everything.” She enthused. “Grab a hotdog – you have to, from a street vendor. Or make your _driver_ do it.”

“Very funny. Thanks for everything Janie.” He laughed as he locked the door behind him.

“Of course. You can do this TJ.”

“I’m counting on it.” He said as he got into his car “I’m heading out for the airport, I’ll see you in a few hours.”

TJ was still a bundle of nerves as he made the drive to the airport. He made every effort to calm himself after cursing Doug one more time under his breath for raising doubts when all he wanted was to move on.

At Reagan International Airport, TJ felt just a little out of place flying commercial and by himself.  He took extra time to locate his flight info, his gate number and was a little confused by the backward feeling of going through security instead of having security prescreening him and everyone around him. Once through the metal detector, his senses were heightened, what if his mother found out and tried to stop him somehow?

‘What if you stop doing this to yourself TJ?’ he thought. He was an adult, she could do so many things but would she honestly drag him back? He fidgeted as he sat waiting for boarding, thinking about the move, the songs and failure. Things were getting too big, too real and too frightening. He fired off another text.

                TJ: “Janie-I’m freaking out.”

                Janie: “TJ-I know it’s scary. When do you board?”

                TJ: “Should be pretty soon, I think I got here pretty early.”

                Janie: “It will be easier once you’re on the plane. You’re not a shitty flyer are you?”

                TJ: “No, flying I can handle. Is this the right thing? What if I fail?”

                Janie: “You won’t fail. I won’t let you.”

                TJ: “You can’t stop it.”

                Janie: “Fail with your songs? Just keep working them. Fail with your sobriety? Yes I can.”  
                Janie: “What do you want right now TJ?”

                TJ: “To stay sober.”

                Janie: “That was fast. I expected you to wrestle that answer to the ground.”

                TJ: “The thought crossed my mind. It would be so easy.”

                Janie: “Coming back again wouldn’t be easy. I won’t let you fail this time.”  
                Janie: “What do you want right now TJ?”

                TJ: “I want… To get on the plane. To start my life. To stay sober.”  
                TJ: “We’re boarding now. Going silent.”

                Janie: “You good? TJ I got your back.”

                TJ: “Yeah, Thanks again Janie.”

TJ’s nerves were just a bit steadier as he gathered his bag and pocketed his phone. Even as he handed his boarding pass over he noticed less of a shake to his fingers than there’d been when he’d picked up his phone and sent that first text to Janie. As he stowed his bag in the overhead his thoughts were more settled. He sat and buckled into his seat and he felt nearly equipped for this move. He tried not to tune out the important preflight announcement and was even proud that he’d successfully heard most of it over the sound of his own thoughts. He plugged in his headphones as soon as the flight attendant finished his announcement and played the recording he’d made of the two songs as well as the bits from the third that he’d started on just yesterday. As the unfinished pieces played, he paused and took notes, repeated and paused until he had a page full of notes for additions and corrections and he was being asked to return his tray table to its full upright position and fasten his seatbelt. Before he was ready to put away his notes he was in NYC, waiting to disembark.

TJ was at the baggage claim when he was flanked by two security officers. “Excuse me, sir.” The woman said from his left side, “Please come with us.”

TJ turned to see three more uniformed men behind him; with a shocked look on his face he asked “What is the problem officer?”

“Sir, please come with us.” The officer said again. TJ complied, as he knew to do from years of secret service protection detail. After sitting for several minutes in the security office he started to expect to see the parade of his mother’s secret service agents storm in flanking the President of the United States

As the first officer entered the room, TJ overheard an officer behind the door say “But ma’am, we have the person of interest in the other office.”

“That’s ridiculous,” she said in a huff, “look – here he is right here.”

“Ma’am if you could follow me.”

TJ watched as one officer stayed in the room with him while the woman followed the other officer. This was definitely not the precursor to a presidential parade of security. He looked at the officer by the door, “would you mind telling me why you’ve detained me?”

“We have a report of someone matching your – description – traveling on fraudulent documents.”

“Matching my “description”?”

* * *

 

Jack was off the plane for just under five minutes when he was approached by three security officers. He wanted to crumble but he held his head high and smiled, “Good afternoon officers, is there a problem?”

“Please come with us.” Was all he’d received in response.

‘Well, this is it. It was nice to get away, to meet the Bennetts and to feel as close to loved as possible before I die.’ He thought ruefully as he plodded along behind them.

The hallway was narrow and they had to crowd to one side to pass a group of security officers lingering in the doorway of one of the rooms. Jack was escorted into the room directly across the hall making him feel very overwhelmed by the presence of so many officers in one small space. He took a deep breath once inside the room, with only one of the officers.

“Please sit. The reason you’re here is that we received a report of someone matching your description traveling on fraudulent papers.”

Jack acquiesced to the almost kind invitation to sit. He was addressed politely and he had expected this, didn’t want it to happen, in light of everything good he’d experienced he’d even hoped it wouldn’t happen but here they were.

“I have my documents, if you would like to look them over and verify them.” Jack offered, deliberately confident on the outside, trembling on the inside.

“That will be necessary soon enough, meanwhile, can I get you some water?”

“Thank you. I would appreciate it.” Jack folded his hands in his lap relieved for the momentary reprieve.

There were voices right outside the door:

                “Ma’am, we found the suspect, he’s in 201 if you’re available.”

                “That’s ridiculous, look – here he is right here.”

“Ma’am if you could follow me.”

“I think you’d better explain yours-” she trailed off as she entered the room and looked Jack over. “what fresh hell is this?” she muttered, shaking her head.

* * *

 

“Sir, if you’d just take a look at my ID, you’ll see everything is in order. Look, I really don’t like playing the celebrity card but don’t you know who I am?” TJ said, feeling very dirty using that phrase.

The officer handed TJ the bag he’d pointed to and stood at attention watching carefully as TJ pulled out his identification.

“Shit.” The officer couldn’t contain the curse as he saw the ID and put together just why he recognized TJ other than the photo they’d received with the memo that morning. He hustled to the door, ID in hand and called to one of the guards outside. There were more guards there than necessary now and it was congested in the hallway. “Can someone get Hanlan? We have a problem.”

* * *

 

“Ma’am.” The officer came into the room tentatively, knowing that Kathy Hanlan had already been pulled from the room she’d been called back to, he saw her seated across from the man he’d helped escort to the office, “Officer Abrea has something to show you across the way. He said there’s a problem.”

She tabled her frustration, looked at the officer and told him, “Go relieve Abrea and send him in.” She turned to Jack, “I’ll be right back.”

He looked up at her with confusion, tried to smile but knew it came across halfway. He checked himself before saying something that would make his situation worse, something like ‘I’ll be here’ which seemed to want to lurch from his mouth. He watched them as they talked at the  door, the new face, Officer Abrea flailing what was obviously identification around in his frustration, “son of the President.” He heard and he thought hard trying to place the face of the person being discussed. Hanlan looked at the ID and then at Jack. She closed her eyes hard and sighed. “Let him go.”

“Are you sure? Look – I mean two? How?”

“Abrea, you got this from the man in there? It’s his ID. It’s him, TJ Hammond – you have to let him leave.” She looked at Jack long and hard and the surge of relief that Jack had felt at the words “Let him go.” turned into a pit in the bottom of his stomach.

* * *

 

“I’m sorry sir, you’re free to go.” Officer Abrea said to TJ as he returned to the room, “There was a case of mistaken identity.”

“I’ve gathered it’s more than that.” TJ said, having heard some less than quiet officers talking about how ‘they must be twins’ and ‘the call must have been a prank on the president’s sons’ ‘the president’s sons are twins, that has to be the confusion’. “Who else have you detained?”

TJ received no answer. He moved to gather his bags, his nerves were spent, knowing he was late meeting Janie, unable to let her know why. Being detained was nerve wracking enough, but knowing he was innocent and powerless was too much, his first move once he got into his bag was for his phone, “Janie – I’m so sorry, there was a mixup at the airport. I’m sure all hell’s breaking loose now! I didn’t meet the car I haven’t checked my phone –” he rambled.

“TJ slow down.”

“I’m so screwed.”

“No you’re not – breathe – where are you?”

TJ sucked in a deep breath “I was detained by security at the airport. Mistaken identity.”

“You can square that away pretty easy.”

“It’s done – I just started freaking out is all.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m in the security offices at the airport. I’m just getting ready to leave, I’m not sure if the car is still waiting or not I’ll have to get a cab.”

“Directly here, Teej. No detours, ok?”

“You got it Janie.” He found a smile as he said it, “I’ll see you in a bit.”

TJ left the office and his curiosity was reignited when the men and women in the hall looked at him with surprised looks. He wasn’t exactly used to this reaction, usually it was excited recognition or ugly name calling. “Excuse me,” he said to officer Abrea, “would you permit me to see the person accused of having my face?”

“Sir, the accusation is actually –”

“I know the formal complaint, officer,” TJ chuckled, “but I have to tell you, these walls are far from sound proof. I’ve heard accusations that he does have my face. You can’t fault me for being curious.”

“I can’t permit entry – ”

“Surely I can peek through the door? That’s not entry, right?” TJ interrupted, the curiosity fulfilling the urgent drive in him right now, much better than costing him his sobriety – a peek at this random stranger in the same predicament he had just escaped. He was flirting too, he knew this to his bones, this weapon he could use mercilessly.

The officer blushed at the words, steeled his posture and cleared his throat, “Make it quick.”

“I bet you don’t say that often.” TJ smirked before his jaw dropped, seeing Jack looking terrified, a version of his own face staring back at him. The helpless drowning look tore into him. He’d seen this look on his own face in the mirror so many times. Desperation drilled into him from the eerily same face across the room. “Oh my god. What are you people doing? Douglas what are you doing here? Don’t you people realize you’ve not only detained me but my _twin_ brother as well?” TJ had no idea where the idea came from other than a lifetime of “twins should look alike” “where’s your brother? That can’t be your _twin!_ Twins look alike” being thrown at both of them.

“I’m supposed to be the screw-up in the family.” He continued, exasperated. “Officer Hanlan, my brother has been under a lot of pressure. I’m sure his alias paperwork was flagged because he’s supposed to be helping our mother the _president_ but he’s been on the verge of a breakdown this past week. Thank you for finding him.” ‘wow TJ that’s a shitty lie’ he heard in his head as he finished, trying not to crack a smile at just how horrible it sounded.

“I’m terribly sorry sir.” She stood from the chair, “It seems we made a few large mistakes today.”

“Are you in charge here?” TJ asked, holding onto the apology, “Would you please release my brother? I think he just needs to get away for a while and didn’t make the right choices.” He gave a harsh look at Jack. Recalling all of the disappointed looks he’d ever gotten, he was sure that he’d replicated at least one of them successfully. “I'm sure the reports of fraudulent documents were an attempt to get Dougie back. I think I’ll have to let my mother know that she’s had a breakdown in communication within her staff.”

“You’re free to go Mr. Hammond. I apologize to you both.” She seemed to trip over her apology, struck dumb by the mentions of the president and her staff.

They were led out of the corridor, “We need to hurry before someone remembers what Douglas _really_ looks like" he ground out urgently under his breath. once they were clear and approaching the doors leading outside, "You’d better stick with me until we get out of here, besides, I’d like to hear how it is you got me practically arrested.” TJ said, his jaw tight, the lies he’d just told swirling through his head, trying to torment him with thoughts of crimes he’d just committed for a stranger with a familiar face.

“I’d appreciate a ride.” Jack offered in reply. He was exhausted from the flight and from the terror of being captured especially from the fear of being returned to his home and his death. He wondered how much of the truth he should tell this man with his face. “I’ll tell you whatever you want to know in repayment.”

TJ hailed a cab, he and Jack slid into the seat as the driver closed the trunk with TJ’s bags inside. TJ rattled off Janie’s address and took his phone out. “I need to call my _real_ brother – then start talking.” He was furious with himself for the lies, the rage pulsing through him alongside the guilt making him wish for something to take the edge off which just made him more frustrated. “Dougie! I’m sorry – no I’m fine. I was detained at the airport, seems someone pranked them about someone with my face using fake documents.” He glared at Jack. “I just got out – I know I missed the car. I’m in a cab to Janie’s right now. Call her if you _need_ to check up on me.”

Jack watched as the man next to him practically vibrated with emotions; temper, disgust, fear? The tone of his voice on the phone with his brother was nothing like the commanding tones he’d used on Jack, defensive? He was making far too many excuses to Jack’s way of thinking. Just tell this brother of his to shut the hell up already. He had to be roughly the same age as Jack, what’s with this “check up on me” nonsense?

“Ok,” TJ said as he put his phone away, “Who are you and how did you manage to unravel my day?”

“My name’s James Barnes.”

“Yeah, that’s what’s on your fake paperwork, right?” TJ wasn’t stupid and he wasn’t high, oh how he wished he were right now, he could see the lie on the hauntingly similar face. A face he remembered was shared by the son of another ruler, “Why is the Prince of Gilboa using forged paperwork and why continue the lie when you said you owed me whatever I wanted to know?”

“How did you - ?”

“Son of a president? You don’t think I’m unaware of foreign dignitaries, even if their position was precariously obtained, do you?” the color fled from Jack’s face and TJ softened his voice but not his words.

“If anyone finds out, they’ll kill me.” Jack had never felt so small, so helpless. When he’d fled he was in control, when he was taken in by strangers, he’d felt loved, now he was helpless. This man would certainly turn him over now that his identity was known. He’d have to.


	3. Chapter 3

“It was big news, what you did.” TJ answered Jack’s distressed comment after several minutes. “Your sentencing not so much, rather vague actually, which is odd for the press.”

“Not when your father owns the press on all levels and he was your judge and jury.” Jack looked out the window at the pedestrians and the buildings.

“Sometimes I wish there was more my parents could do about the press.” TJ mused. “So, I’m in a taxi with royalty.”

“Hardly.” Jack huffed turning to TJ. “It really depends on what kind of control they exercise over the press whether or not you’d appreciate it.”

TJ couldn’t look away from Jack and the intensity in his eyes, TJ had known that level of hurt, fought that level of anger. He’d seen the familiar haunted stare in every mirror and every reflective surface just before sending it packing with a line or two of coke. He was now faced with that look and it was very real and very inescapable. He toyed with the seam on the side of his jeans – fidgeting and fighting the urge to detour the driver.

Jack was familiar with silence, but this silence was uncomfortable on a whole new level. He was looking at the face of a man who looked just like him. He couldn’t understand the reasoning behind it, didn’t even want to try, it was too surreal. The feature that he was having the most trouble breaking from was TJ's eyes. This man held no small amount of pain in those eyes. Jack had no idea what kind of pain but he did know pain when he saw it, especially reflecting from eyes so eerily like his own. He watched as TJ’s fingers flexed and pinched at his jeans. He wondered if he should say anything, TJ’s drug use was known even as far as Gilboa. “How long?” he asked softly.

“Hmm?” TJ replied, distracted.

“How long?” he repeated, lifting an eyebrow.

“Eighteen months.” TJ settled back on the seat, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. “It’s been hard at times – particularly today.”

“Today has been especially trying. For anyone.” Jack mused returning his attention to the buildings they drove past. “I’m sorry for my part.”

“Well it _is_ weird seeing my face on someone else. Very unnerving.” TJ smiled at the absurdity of it.

“You’ve got better hair, I think you smile more.”

“It’s a mask.” TJ admitted before thinking. “People don’t want to see you unhappy.”

“Don’t I know that?!” Jack lamented. “They’d rather you be a sham, pretend nothing is wrong – pretend you’re who they want you to be. They’d rather not ever know who you are.”

“What are you going to do now?” TJ asked, turning the conversation from himself.

“I have no idea. I got as far in my plans as paperwork and enough money to leave the country. I didn’t even think I’d get this far without a bullet in my back, to be brutally honest.” Jack wiped at his moist eyes, cringing at the sting that was still present on his burned face.

“If my friend is ok with it, maybe you can stay the night. I’m already one extra house guest though so I can’t make any promises.” TJ chanced a look at Jack, saw him wiping at his eyes. “I’ll text her and if she says ‘no way’ I’ll pay for the driver to take you anywhere.”

“You’ve already done too much.” Jack looked TJ in the eye, “I can’t let you get into this any deeper. As much as I would typically use anyone and everyone to my advantage, a couple of things happened to me that make that idea leave a bad taste in my mouth.” He returned again to watching the city pass by, resting his cheek on the cool cab window felt good to the burn on his face.

TJ paid him no mind and sent a message to Janie: “I hope u like drama b/c I have some for u”

> Janie:    “Is this about today?”
> 
> TJ:           “Yup. Can a friend ride your sofa tonight?”
> 
> Janie:    “Thought that was your place”
> 
> TJ:           “HA! You said I had a room.”
> 
> Janie:    “Yeah. The Living room.”
> 
> TJ:           “O.”
> 
> Janie:    “JK – yes it’s fine, explain when u get here”
> 
> TJ:           “Not far now.”

“Whatever you just said, Jack, forget it. You’re sleeping over – you get the sofa.”

“People don’t order me around Hammond.” He wasn’t even convinced he deserved a sofa.

“They do when you owe them for pulling your ass out of the fire.”

TJ was relieved when the cab came to a stop. He settled the fare and moved to retrieve his bags, surprised when Jack took one in addition to the odd yellow bag that was all he’d had with him.

Janie met them at the front door with a big hug for TJ and a shocked expression one second later when she saw Jack. “What the hell TJ?”

“Lots of questions will be answered, can we go inside? Maybe get something to eat and then you can have all the story time you want. Janie, this is Jack, Jack – Janie.”

They were quiet on the elevator, allowing Janie to look from TJ to Jack and back studying them, determining that Jack had a fiercer look, his eyes could bore into you, his jaw set, and she guessed he rarely smiled. With this and his rigid posture even in his blue jeans and soft sweater, she guessed he had military training of some kind. TJ’s posture was more laid back, aloof, and his eyes were always softer, his jaw less tense, his smile ready – whether it was real or forced – his face was made for smiling. She just hoped someday he’d have reason to wear more genuine smiles more often. She was going to have to talk with TJ about his new doppelganger friend. He looked like trouble.

Jack could tell he was being scrutinized; it was the hallmark of his existence. What was this prince’s worth as a human being? What good was this man going to be at commanding an army? ‘Why couldn’t you be a better son?’ And now ‘What are you doing in the presence of my friend?’ He’d thought he was used to the scrutiny but since he’d started breaking down all that he’d done and trying to rediscover himself, he’d had to examine his own self and even he had found himself lacking.

Once the small elevator smoothly glided to a stop, they stepped out into a dimly lit hallway, “oh, Geez.” Janie complained, “the bulbs again. I swear; I’m going to start charging the landlord for my labor and parts.”

“Maybe have him call in an electrician?” TJ teased.

“As if I haven’t been telling him he needs to do just that since my second week in the place. Hey, maybe my roommate can pull some strings and get him to do just that.”

Jack didn’t exactly know how to interact with this friendly rapid-fire teasing, he watched the two being close and jostling one another in punctuation of their jests. He felt lonely for something he couldn’t remember having – always expected to be a certain way, always told to be wary of close relationships because someone would expect favors he didn’t have the power to grant.

They didn’t stop until they got to the door at the end of the hall, “Here we go, number five twelve.” She pulled a key from her pocket and held it up on her open palm in front of TJ, “Can you handle the responsibility that I am turning over to you?”

“Funny as shit Janie.” He tried to swipe the key from her hand and she closed it quickly.

“Can you handle the responsibility I am turning over to you?” she asked again, before opening her fist to reveal the key again.

“I can handle the responsibility. I will remain sober as long as I hold this key. I do not promise not to bring home pretty boys. That I cannot do.” He said as he successfully took the key from her hand.

“Oh honey, pretty boys are fine. The rest of it was the goal, the promise I am holding you to. I mean it – you fuck up you are on my shit list.”

“You’re so supportive.” TJ moaned as he opened the door. “Sorry Jack. We’re pretty ridiculous when we get together. You’re in for a really obnoxious night.”

Jack didn’t know what to think of the duo, trying to piece together their strange conversation and make sense of it. “I’m sure it’s perfectly normal.” Was all he said in reply as he took the bag he’d been carrying of TJ’s through the door.

“Ha!” Janie laughed in a sudden burst, “we’re not perfect or normal Jack. We’re just working through shit by holding on to people who can help us.”

“Janie's my friend and my sponsor, You remember our conversation in the car?” TJ took his bag from Jack, “I’m sure you asked because you'd heard rumors, even if facts keep getting obscured. In my favor – or should I say in my mother’s favor?”

“Rumors aren't always your best source of information.” Jack replied. “I should know.”

“TJ, this is your room. You can set your bags in there now if you’d like – like the rest of the place, this room isn’t big enough for the three of us and your entourage of luggage.”

“Two suitcases, Janie. Two.” TJ called out from the bedroom as he set the bags in question on ‘his’ bed.

“Jack, you can sit – we won’t bite, I promise.” Janie smiled hesitantly at him, nervous that they were being judged. “HEY! How does Chinese sound?” she called out to be heard in all points.

“You know what I’ll eat. Go ahead.” TJ replied as he came back into the living area. “Jack, any preference? Janie? Menus??”

She slapped a paper menu on TJ’s shoulder as she dialed, “here you go, I’m getting the usual, just let me know if there’s anything you want.”

TJ pointed out the “usual” to Jack. He noticed that the ‘prince’ looked like a deer in the headlights. “If you’re not hungry?”

“No – I’m hungry. Whatever you recommend is fine.” Jack was hungry, having eaten nearly 24 hours prior, he also felt overwhelmed by the synergy between TJ and Janie, was this kind of enthusiasm supposed to be typical?

“The usual is practically unanimous J… maybe extra would be smart, it’s been a _long day_. You’ve got hungry guests.”

Getting off the phone from the restaurant Janie came around, stood near Jack’s end of the sofa, “I’m sorry for the poor hospitality. Can I take your jacket Jack? Please make yourself comfortable,”

Jack sat forward on the sofa and shrugged out of his jacket. He handed that and his bag to her, “Is that all you brought with you? TJ look – take lessons.”

“It’s all I could bring, I left in a hurry.” Was all he said, quietly, and Janie noticed a variety of emotions flicker beneath the blush on the already pink cheeks.

“Oh yes, TJ did promise a story.” She replied, giving him her friendliest smile. “If it’s no trouble, I would like to know who I’m allowing to sleep on my sofa.”

“You not only have presidential clout elevating the value of your home, Janie but this is Prince Jack Benjamin –”

“Please, it’s just Jack. I was pretty much stripped of any glory and title when I tried to usurp my father’s throne.” Jack answered with a pained voice. “I want no recognition for what I was and I want to forget what I did.

Janie moved to the shelves on the wall and turned on some music, soft background noise to fill what might end up becoming awkward moments of silence. She felt like Jack’s revelation would be much like an NA meeting only not so anonymous. She knew there would be emotions, she was sure that each of them would be hit by something as the night progressed.

“It sounds like we might have a rough evening ahead of us,” she confessed. “We will take music breaks and snack breaks and game breaks. It will not be full of sorrow and no judgments will be passed.”

“Game breaks Janie?” TJ asked, incredulous.

“Yes. A good card game has been known to defeat stress.”

“A bad card game has been known to fuel duels.” Jack supplied, his mouth turned up in a slight grin.

“What he said.” TJ agreed, trying hard not to laugh at Janie’s determined look.

“What kind of parallel universe have I stepped into? I have a hard enough time looking at your ridiculous face TJ now I have two? Someone please explain?”

“I’m afraid we don’t have an explanation for that one Janie. I was always told there was a resemblance. When I saw any photos of him I never thought much of it, I mean you always hear everyone has a doppelganger. We really don’t look that much alike do we?” he replied, sitting on the opposite end of the sofa.

“Seriously TJ?”

TJ laughed at Janie’s outburst, “Ok so we look a lot alike.”

“Oh my god, you don’t even know what an understatement that is.” She giggled then looked at jack, “Please tell me you’re not as ridiculous as this one is?”

Jack looked at her, unable to rein in the smile her giggles caused. “I’m not as ridiculous. I’m nowhere near ridiculous.” He assured her with a straight face.

“Oh dear, Jack! We will need to fix that.” Janie laughed. “First I need to give you the house rules, TJ and I are both sober – TJ just passed 18 months and I’m almost to my 5 year anniversary. There’s no alcohol allowed in the apartment and absolutely no drugs. If you’re ok with that you’re still welcome to spend the night.”

“I’m ok with that. I just need food and I’m really grateful for the place to sleep.”

“I almost feel guilty making a real life prince sleep on the sofa – but not enough to give up my bed. You’ll have to take that up with TJ.”

“Please, no more prince talk and the sofa will be fine. I meant it, it’s more than I expected when I started my day and a lot more than I hoped for when I was detained at the airport.”

The doorbell interrupted, Jack leaned back against the sofa cushions, looking up at the ceiling before running his hand down his face and neck, closing his eyes briefly. Janie moved to the door, paying for the order, tipping the delivery guy and turning back to the duo. “Ok, food and story-time.” She urged as she moved about, setting the takeout containers on the coffee table and settled down on the floor at the table across from the sofa, “Its ok, we won’t bite.”

“I’d almost prefer it if you did to having to retell my greatest failure.” Jack said softly as TJ leaned forward to crack open the food boxes. Jack took the food as it was offered and he proceeded to fill them in on the details of the crimes that brought him to his imprisonment; his “sentence” and his actions up to and following his escape. “If you’d prefer I leave now that you know the depth of my crimes – I understand.”

“Jack – this is the last time I want to say this. I feel you might be having a crisis of identity because the guy you just described doesn’t sound like he was concerned about anything but his own gain. You sound like a lost puppy. Stop worrying about your welcome. I opened my home to you. You’re welcome to stay, as long as it takes to get things squared away.” Janie tried to reassure Jack.

“You’re going to need some help, there’s no way you can remain in the states undocumented, and those forged papers won’t get you anywhere any more. If they were flagged at TSA they’re going to be looking for them and you. My mother’s **not** going to be the one to look to for this, as much as I wish she were.” TJ added with a sad look, “I might know someone if I think it through. You’re going to need to lay low for a bit while I figure out who could help.”

Jack knew the way that sad look felt and as much as he would have hated anyone prying he couldn’t keep back the question, “How can you be so sure your mom wouldn’t help?”

The sadness turned to pain as TJ rubbed his neck, biting his lip and looked away briefly before turning sideways to face Jack directly on the sofa, “Because she wouldn’t help me when the man I was in love with was being threatened by her own political party, she wouldn’t help us, she won’t help now. Besides, she’s so worried about appearances early in her presidency she doesn’t “want any feathers ruffled.” TJ emphasized with air quotes, quoting their last discussion-turned-argument. Janie crossed the room and sat between TJ and Jack. She put her arm across his shoulder and squeezed him in a semi-hug. He reached up to where her hand still maintained pressure on his shoulder and held his hand on top of hers, a supportive, thankful gesture.

“I can relate to so much of that. I have my suspicions that my mother had the man I love killed for nothing more than trying to save me from myself.” Jack lamented, tears returning even though he’d banished them.

“Jack if you ever consider going back to that family of yours, talk to me – I don’t think it’s a great idea. They’re your drug; today’s your day 3.” Janie put her hand on his leg supportively, “I think you need a hug – may I?”

She crushed him in a hug as soon as she saw his slight nod. This hug, much like the attention he’d gotten from Ruth Bennett was unfamiliar but touched him on a level he didn’t quite understand.

“Janie’s a hugger Jack – you just gave her permission to crush you any time she feels like it… speak now or forever hold your peace if you want to get out of it.” TJ chuckled.

“TJ you’re in a fantastic mood! I don’t know when you’ve laughed so readily, I’m so proud!” Janie gushed as she smashed TJ in another bone-crushing hug.

“It’s been building. Today almost took its toll,” TJ noticed an uncomfortable look on Jack’s face “but I’m well on my way to three completed songs.”

“How did everyone handle the announcement of your move?”

“Wow Janie. Way to spoil the mood.”

“TJ, you ran away?” Janie didn’t spare her disappointment.

“I told Douglas. I couldn’t talk to my mom without both of us yelling and her dismissing me. Besides, I need to do this and I don’t need their permission Janie.”

“No, you don’t. But you do need be honest.”

“Janie, Doug knows. He’s buying me time, that’s all, time to get set up so I have something established. They don’t do well with “following your dreams” because they don’t understand any dreams that aren’t political.” TJ argued, Jack felt this statement to his core, had even been the one trying to make those political dreams part of who he was, the lure of the devotion of the people, maybe it would replace the lack of devotion from his family. Janie was caught between the look of determination on TJ’s face and the eerily similar yet dramatically different face of Jack briefly contorted with grief before settling on remote, but not quite withdrawn.

TJ continued, “They’re certain no matter what I do, that I’m going to fail. I deserve to get out from under their negativity. I’ve been _nothing but_ honest this last year and a half but every time the press decides they don’t have anything interesting, all of a sudden I’m in an alley somewhere and my mother calls me out for it.”

“Ok, you’re right, that kind of thing isn’t going to get you anywhere. Sorry – I got carried away.” Janie felt the sting of embarrassment as she recognized her error trying to keep TJ honest when she already knew the effect his family had on him. “TJ please forgive my enthusiasm; if Jack needs to steer clear of his family for the next millennium, you surely deserve to escape your mess of a family for a few days (or weeks?) to get settled in. So! You said songs? Is that old rattletrap over there good enough to hear what you’ve been working on?”

“Really? Are you sure?” TJ looked to Jack and back to Janie, grinning when they both gave an encouraging nod. He went into the bedroom to get the music from his bag, thinking about the edits he’d been working on before his day was drastically changed.

He could hear Janie engaging Jack in conversation as they waited and he smiled. TJ had no idea what was going to happen or how he could help jack, wasn’t even sure why he felt he needed to, but he was pretty sure Janie was going to help him by being a friend. Just like she’d done when TJ had met her at that NA meeting he’d almost ditched in favor of scoring some blow and bailing on his very new (not quite 5 weeks in) sobriety.

 

> He’d been going through the motions, trying so hard for everyone else’s sake until one night he was alone, everyone following their political plans, and there was nobody besides TJ in his mom’s quiet house. He’d been lounging on the bed in his room and couldn’t find the motivation needed to get dressed for the NA meeting that he’d planned on attending. He didn’t want to go to this new meeting place with all these new people. He knew this was ridiculous, ‘anonymous’ is the key to the success and the name of the group, so technically they were all strangers to one another.
> 
> Sooner than he’d expected, however, boredom had him pulling out his phone and he flipped through trying to find something to occupy his time. He ended up swiping through his text messages and stumbled on an old one without a label – still he recognized the number as one of his old drug contacts. Obviously in his honorable attempt at purging all of the contact information from his phone, he’d missed erasing this stray text message that was still waiting for him to respond.
> 
> His hand shook over the reply button before hitting it and sending a quick greeting.
> 
> A reply was instant: “Yeah man, I can hook u up, we’re meeting in 20.”
> 
> “Cool, same place?” TJ shot back.
> 
> “Yeah drop by.” His heart hammered when he got the message and with that he’d hastily dressed and was out the door. TJ was nearly to his destination when it hit him; really hit him, what he was doing. He was so bored staying home from a meeting he obviously needed to attend, one that he’d easily made the decision that it wasn’t even worth getting dressed for. Yet less than an hour after making that choice he’d arranged a drug buy and had decided _that_ **was** worth getting dressed for.
> 
> TJ had turned instantly on his heel and headed straight for the meeting, arriving several minutes late. His introduction to Janie was a rude one as he bumped into Janie’s seat in his rush to apologize for his tardiness. He’d then effusively apologized to her. Something she’d seen in him had her calming him and asking if he needed a minute or would he please share why it was he was late. Instead of refusing he launched right into his explanation, noting nodding heads and sympathetic and even hungry looks as he continued.
> 
> After the meeting, Janie had asked him if he’d like to go out for some food or coffee. Thankful for the company and to not have to go back to the empty house just yet, he’d accepted. She offered to be his sponsor that first night, and she walked him home and hugged him mercilessly before letting him go inside. They’d been fast friends ever since.

When he returned to the living room and approached the upright piano he turned to Janie, “you just want me here to play your old piano, don’t you? Wasn’t this buried under a bunch of books and dust and things the last time you and I Skyped?”

She didn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed, just looked him in the eye, “that’s not the worst idea ever. However, I did know you were coming. I also knew how hard you’ve been working on your songs, jackass. I cleaned house for you. You should feel honored.”

TJ turned to her and smiled, “I’m flattered.” he tested the keys, “not bad.”

Janie didn’t miss the smile that followed the smirk, TJ would play. He would sit at the piano and proudly play his music as though he was the only one in the room and then he would feel nervous once he came out of the zone. She wasn’t completely out of touch with the world of music, she could hold a decent conversation and she was one of the only people she knew of who would give TJ quality positive feedback as well as a healthy dose of constructive criticism if it was warranted. The prince to her left, on the other hand, she didn’t have a good read on yet. Would he hurt TJ with some ill-chosen or empty words?

TJ pulled out the piano bench and slid across, setting out his music, he went for the work in progress, eager to add the edits and notes he’d been working on in his head on the plane so long ago today. He didn’t tell them it was incomplete, or that he was fixing this or that ahead of time he just launched into the piece as it had been constructing itself in his head earlier and again now that it was fresh in his mind.

There were both a lightness and a complex depth to the song that Jack heard coming from the modest piano set against the outside wall, it was truly an original work and Jack was moved by the lilt of emotion he picked out of the relatively happy notes tripping off of TJ’s fingers. He was reminded of the pleasantly brief moments he managed to find to be carefree with Joseph and for the first time since his death, he wasn’t feeling the grief or anger, but the sweetness of love. He felt the notes as he imagined Joseph would have enjoyed this piece, would be happy that Jack broke free. He scrubbed tears from his eyes as TJ turned having finished playing. Jack caught TJ’s eye and the two shared a moment locked in each other’s gaze.

TJ wasn’t expecting much when he turned, he knew whatever she’d just heard, Janie would be effusive in her support and then boil it down afterward with this or that he might tweak, or she’d offer honest compliments. He trusted this girl to be honest with him, the fact was he really trusted Janie more than he’d ever felt he could trust anyone. He wasn’t even planning to look at Jack – he didn’t want to find any judgment just yet for this brand new creation – but when he turned, the hasty swipe Jack made to get rid of tears distracted TJ and when Jack’s hand cleared his still shimmering eyes, there was a kindred moment that had been unlike any of the previous judging moments the two had shared. TJ couldn’t look away.

“TJ, that was beautiful! That’s the newest one right? You played me a different one before. Didn’t you?” Janie sprung from the sofa and crossed to the piano. She grabbed TJ by the shoulders, kneading the tension from the day out of his body, “My favorite so far!”

“You’re supposed to be the objective one.” TJ tore his eyes from Jack’s and smiled up at his friend. “Don’t let me down now.”

“Oh, ok. So, I hated it. It was too sappy and much too upbeat; I need something a little more emo.” Janie teased, hugging TJ’s neck. Jack wondered about the relationship between the two, he’d been warned Janie was a hugger, he’d witnessed her close affection with TJ and how TJ seemed magnetically drawn to her affections. He was shocked at the slight pang of jealousy he was experiencing. How rational was it to be interested in someone who looked so much like himself? Had he finally lost the hold on his sanity that he’d been protecting during his captivity?

“Don’t listen to her TJ, it was captivating. It was complex with a tangible undercurrent of joy. It really touched me.” Jack smiled for what was probably the second time since he’d been here. Janie wasn’t counting but she kind of was. She was very pleased with his praise for TJ’s beautiful song and was very curious about the looks the pair had exchanged before she had interrupted. “I’d love to hear more if you’re still in the mood to play.” Jack continued.

TJ looked back at Jack with a blush and a grin and launched into one of his completed works, the one song that he hadn’t shared with Doug or Janie yet. He’d been protecting this one from judgment but for some reason he was no longer nervous about sharing it here, and he was pretty sure it would fit Janie’s request for “more emo”, written on one of his darker nights after a short but supportive phone call with Janie.

 

> “Janie, I’m ready to walk out the door.” He’d said as she answered, groggy from sleep.
> 
> “Only if you’re going for ice cream.” She yawned. Her typical redirection, he'd never felt dismissed when she did this but tonight he felt frustrated.
> 
> “I’m serious Janie, why is everything a joke to you?” He wiped his eyes from the tears that had been plaguing him for hours.
> 
> “I’m sorry Teej, no joking then on my honor. Please don’t go out that door. What are you trying to escape?”
> 
> “How about everything? How about the eggshells everyone is walking on around me? How about the fact that I can’t seem to leave the house, ever, without a chaperon? I know I’ve obliterated any trust anyone might have had in me but can they make it any more obvious? I’m lonely. I can’t find someone to make me feel less lonely because A: I can’t leave the house to meet anyone and B: everyone around here is so worried about being on top of me that they’ve abandoned their personalities. They’re just drones hovering over me.” He’d started to cry halfway through his tirade, he sniffed and wiped his tears again, “Why did you move to Fucking New York?”

He’d written the song so many months ago and it wasn’t as painful now as it had been the first few times he’d played it. He’d put it away then because of that pain but recently when he'd gone looking for a blank sheet to write the notes to the second song he’d started writing, he’d come across it and gave it another chance. He’d didn’t choose to keep it out at that point, but when he’d decided to try to shop his songs, he’d determined it worthy of consideration.

He was lost in the performance of the song, bringing it to an end with no flourish or flair. He stayed with his head bowed, overwhelmed by feelings, thinking of all of the successes he’d had since that night. All the times he’d called or texted Janie for a similar emergency becoming fewer and more spread out. He never stepped foot over the threshold without texting her or calling her and she never failed to be there to respond. He was proud of this song and proud of himself for making those successful calls.

“TJ? Honey are you ok?” Janie’s worried voice shook him from his moment.

“Yeah, that one just – well it’s very personal and I’m still surprised how much it affects me.” TJ’s watery smile was less than reassuring.

“TJ, do you know that you don’t have to smile when you don’t feel it? When someone asks if you’re ok, you can say “No.” “Not Really.” And you don’t have to smile.”

“That’s not a luxury I have.” And as if to prove it he smiled another sad smile.

“Oh hell no.” Janie protested, “That’s a luxury you _have to take_. I don’t care who your family is, I only care about your sobriety which is tied, on some levels, to how you handle things for them. I know you love them all (god help me) but this one thing you don’t owe them. You can’t fake happiness for anyone’s sake.”

Jack was sitting with his head in his hands, also touched by the emotional tune. He listened to the exchange, understanding what TJ was saying and trying to picture TJ embracing the words of his friend. He also tried to picture embracing those words himself. How true it wasn’t a luxury to express yourself if your expression presented an unpopular feeling. How many things would he have done differently if he had been able to be himself a little more instead of presenting a persona he couldn’t even relate to?

TJ caught the movement when Jack looked up; he saw a sad camaraderie on the man’s face. He might not have the issues TJ was dealing with but Jack, above anyone else he’d ever known, TJ was sure that Jack understood what he had been raised to be.

Ordinarily, Jack would refuse the kindness that TJ’s look of solidarity offered. He’d scoff at it with a raised brow and a firm set of his jaw, but Jack was trying to be better than that person. Add to that the feelings the previous days’ kindnesses had spurred were tempting, so tempting to reach for. He offered a sad, soft smile instead.

“I’ll work on that Janie. I trust you’ll be calling me on it again in the future.” He smiled earnestly this time, “which I really appreciate. I have one more and then I think we should give Jack some time to try to wind down.”

TJ launched into his happy tune and Janie wandered around trying to listen and gather things to make Jack comfortable in the night. She brought a stack of blankets, sheets and pillows from the linen closet and some sweat pants and a “Brooklyn” tee from her dresser. She set them next to him and quietly told him “I wish I had more room. I’ll take the sofa if you’d prefer.”

“You’re so kind, Janie. The roof over my head is enough. I never expected so much from a stranger.”

“Oh Jack. You’re so wrong. I’m not a stranger. We’re friends, right?” Janie gave him a sincere look, taking his hands in hers.

“I hope so.” Jack offered her a broken smile. “I like what I see of how you treat your friends. I’m afraid I’m not sure how to be a good one.”


	4. Chapter 4

TJ lingered after Janie had gone to bed, uncertain why he felt the need to make sure Jack would be alright. Maybe it was because he’d felt Jack’s admission of not knowing how to be a good friend in the pit of his stomach and wanted to both be that good friend and to show Jack how to be one as well. Maybe he was just curious about what was going on between them and all of their shared glances. This was certainly the wrong thing to do since he felt the need to keep it a secret from Janie, the one person he now had zero secrets with.

“I’m sorry about today.” Jack said absently as he spread a blanket across the sofa. TJ took an end and helped smooth the blanket before picking up a sheet.

“I don’t think an apology is necessary, I’m pretty sure that nowhere in your plans was there the step titled ‘make TJ Hammond’s day more dramatic.’ Given what you’ve been through, you can’t mean to apologize for trying to survive. I could say you’re stronger than I am. At least you’ve never attempted to end your life.”

“No, I’m not stronger. I always attempted it, I was in the military. I could have died. Should have…” his words trailed off as he remembered being dragged away by David Shepherd – the catalyst to recognizing that he had never intended to leave the battlefield alive. Jack’s fingers dropped his end of the sheet carelessly as he stared at his hands, wondering if they would have failed him if he’d held a pistol in his mouth.

“Hey, Jack.” TJ’s hand went to Jack’s shoulder, “Jack, where did you go just now?” a Janie tactic, maybe it would work, or maybe she was just a magician.

“Oh?! Nowhere.” He stopped the lie when he caught TJ’s haunted, understanding scrutiny. “Fine,” Jack’s shoulders slumped, feeling the weight of TJ’s hand but feeling the comfort there too. “I was wondering if I would have ever had the courage to pull the trigger, to put a gun to my head and just end it.”

TJ felt the blood rush from his face and sat on the sofa to avoid falling over from the wave of dizziness. This wasn’t a past tense discussion about suicide; this was an open ended possibility. His own attempt aside, his experience with suicidal discussions was in meetings, strangers who had done this or that to end their pain. Strangers who were moving forward, away from that darkness. “Jack, the courage is in not doing so.” He said quietly, thinking about how strong he’d had to be to move ahead from both his thwarted attempt and his accidental overdose.

“Is that true TJ?” He was curious how TJ would answer, wanting to know from someone who’d been there before.

“Yes. Look at everything you’ve been through in just the past few days to stay **alive**.” TJ tugged Jack’s arm, pulling him to sit on the couch next to him, “You could have been captured and shot at any time and you pushed forward even coming to a new country on forged documents! If you weren’t strong enough to do all of that, you would have put the gun to your head as soon as you’d gotten it from the first guard. It’s not something you really want to do Jack.” TJ wasn’t sure if Jack would listen, he wasn’t sure if he was reading something into the way Jack had said what he did but he would be damned if he didn’t offer to be there for him in his time of need, having been in his place so often in one way or another.

“Or am I weak?” Jack wasn’t certain, even now. Thinking of the things he’d done while running for his life, was it because the alternative was so much harder to accomplish? He’d been born and raised to “live” so that was just his duty. ‘What if my mission is to die?’

“Oh my GOD Jack! How can you say that?” TJ blanched at the question Jack wasn’t aware he’d spoken, “Your “mission” is to live. I need you to know you’re not alone. I care. It would hurt me if you did find what you call ‘courage’. It would hurt Janie too. You have people here who care about you.”

“That’s a mistake you don’t want to make TJ.” Jack laughed harshly, having very little experience with the way TJ was handling him. “You don’t want to care about me. Tell Janie to steer clear of that as well. I’m the blight of my nation. You don’t want that stain on your name. So who’s the biggest wreck in the room now?”

“Jack? Saying the words out loud, did it make you feel any better? Was it empowering to hurt someone else for the sake of saying them?”

“What do you mean? Do you want to make this all about you TJ?”

TJ laughed softly, “No. I don’t, but I do know something about how you feel. I know that lashing out and spitting out words at people is intended to be hurtful. I’ve been that person Jack. God knows I’ve been treated like shit but I’ve also said and done my share of hurtful things. Just an unarmed man firing back at the world with the only weapon I had.”

Jack sat back against the sofa, sighed and covered his eyes with both hands. “Shit. TJ I haven’t had an honest conversation in so long. Way to call me on my shit.”

“We do a lot of that in this place.” Jack looked over at TJ, studying his profile, “It’s something you’re going to have to get used to. I should remind Janie to include it in the house rules.” TJ added with a smile. Jack decided he liked seeing TJ smile.

He reached across the sofa and put his hand on TJ’s forearm, giving it a soft squeeze, “thank you TJ.” He said, feeling like there was so much more that could have come out but being at a loss (another first) for words. Jack tentatively trailed his hand to TJ’s wrist and laced his fingers with his when there was no resistance. TJ turned his hand, palm up in Jack’s giving a gentle squeeze.

“Jack. Please talk to us before you do anything “courageous”.” TJ said through a lump in his throat. “I’m just in there if you need anything.” He added as he rose to his feet, still hand-in-hand with Jack.

“TJ. You saved my life today. This makes the third time someone has directly saved my life. But it’s the first time I’ve felt genuinely grateful. Thank you for that.”

TJ gave Jack’s hand a gentle squeeze, “Jack, you’re going to make it. I will do whatever I can, I promise.”

Jack felt the loneliness of the loss when he’d lost the connection as TJ released his hand. He wasn’t sure what was going on and he struggled to keep from thinking it was wrong. This was Jack’s new beginning. Nobody else’s preconceived notions were going to keep him from feeling things and being open about it.

“TJ...”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t want to be alone.” Jack fidgeted with the sleeve of the sweater he was wearing, his voice barely discernible, “Not yet.”
> 
> “It’s late. We’re both tired.” TJ said softly, [......]
> 
> Jack had been afraid of the dismissal which was why he’d already regretted saying anything.

* * *

 

TJ had gotten as far as the bedroom door when he heard Jack say his name. He stopped and turned, “yes Jack?”

Jack looked up from the sofa back where he’d been focusing since the name tripped over his lips. TJ was backlit by the warm light coming from the bedroom; the lamp light from the small table next to the door was glowing on TJ’s right cheek and casting a golden light on the tips of his hair.

Jack wasn’t sure why he’d called TJ back, he was tired, exhausted really, had been glad when TJ had said they should wrap things up but now that he was on the verge of being left to find his rest, he felt reluctant.

“I’m sorry – I – I’ll see you in the morning.” Jack stammered.

TJ took two steps closer to the sofa, the lamp light silhouetting him, blocking his silver eyes from Jack’s view. “Jack?”

“I don’t want to be alone.” Jack fidgeted with the sleeve of the sweater he was wearing, his voice barely discernible, “Not yet.”

“It’s late. We’re both tired.” TJ said softly, TJ knew that feeling once he found the ability to articulate it instead of turning it into an excuse to blur the lines. Truth to tell, he wasn’t up for it himself tonight but wasn’t sure he shouldn’t just go drag Janie out of her comfortable bed and make her keep both of the broken souls company. The thought was squashed before it took root, there were two of them here, neither willing to be alone, they could be ‘not alone’ together without upsetting the balance, couldn’t they?

Jack had been afraid of the dismissal which was why he’d already regretted saying anything.

“And that is the worst time to be alone with your thoughts.” TJ continued, startling Jack. “Come on, Jack, share my room?”

Jack looked at TJ with surprise at the awkward, kind, almost-invitation. TJ held his hand out toward him in welcome. Jack picked up the clothes Janie had loaned him and his bag, “I’ll be in in a minute.” He decided. “Thank you TJ.”

TJ wandered into the bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt as he went. He laid it on the footboard of the bed and kicked his jeans off. As he pulled a pair of pajama pants out of his bag he considered the craziness of the day again, marveling at the absurdity of it all. He stood looking out the window thinking about the miracle that Jack had pulled off getting into the country on the forged documents, which took a lot of inept people not doing their jobs. The coup he’d pulled in getting Jack out of the TSA offices in New York was just as crazy, those people were shockingly easy to fool. “I’ve been lying too long to be that good at it.” He grinned to himself, feeling just a little smug.

Jack pulled the packet that Ruth had given him from his stolen yellow bag, his face stinging from the burn, and probably a little bit from the embarrassment he felt from his admission to TJ about not wanting to be alone. For most of his life he’d only _been_ alone. Then for these last long months he’d wanted nothing _more_ than to be alone, crowded by Lucinda and her fawning attentions. He figured he’d still been very much alone even then, not having anyone to confide in.

He splashed some of the mint tea onto the soft cloth the bottles had been wrapped in and pressed his face into it, sighing at the relief and smelling the clean scent. Jack stood there, face in his cloth covered hands for a few minutes, just wishing there was as clean a solution to his problems. The cool cloth warmed and he doused it again with the tea to continue to soothe his skin and his mood. Jack lost track of the time he stood there, half dozing, tired from the stress of the past months – culminating in the strangest day he could recall – and the sweet crisp aroma lulling his senses.

TJ stepped into the soft gray pajama pants and was tying the string as he walked out to the hallway; he stepped to the bathroom door “Jack? Are you ok in there?” he’d been lost in thought so long himself he’d lost track of time, but he wanted to get his teeth brushed and into bed.

Jack was startled awake but didn’t jump at the call. “Yeah, sorry – a couple more minutes.” He yawned. He rushed through the aloe portion of his ministrations, and readying for bed before stepping out in the soft dark sweat pants and ‘Brooklyn’ tee, and seeing TJ leaning tiredly against the wall opposite the door, one bare foot up on the wall, arms crossed over his bare chest. “All yours. Sorry about that.” Jack murmured as he passed TJ heading to the bedroom, barely sparing TJ a second glance.

Jack was lying on the bed, on the side furthest from the door when TJ came back into the room, Jack’s arm was up and tossed across his face, shading his eyes. He didn’t move when TJ turned off the light or when he turned down the covers on the remaining side of the bed. He didn’t make a sound or a movement at all when TJ crawled under the covers and rolled onto his side facing the wall.

It wasn’t until just before TJ drifted off that he heard Jack softly speak. “you sure you want to invite the wolf into your bed TJ?”

TJ flipped the lamp on and rolled over to look at Jack, he hadn’t moved, still lying with an arm slung over his eyes, “Darkest thoughts in the dark of night Jack. Don’t listen to them.”

“Maybe that’s all I have.”

“Maybe you’re tired and nobody should take you seriously. Least of all you.” TJ cringed, “Jesus, that was 100% Janie…” he chuckled.

“I’m sure you understand how this is exactly the opposite of how I’m accustomed to living.” Jack’s voice was pained.

“Oh yeah, I understand. I also understand that the way I’m accustomed to living is the exact opposite of what I **need** in order to both live and hopefully enjoy my life.” Jack did look at him this time, his look just a bit condescending, “I’m not trying to sound like a poster for rehab or anything Jack, it’s just – 18 months. Jack, that is huge. It’s the longest period of time I’ve been sober in my adult life. AND it’s still a struggle. I have to pull out the rehab poster slogans sometimes just to maintain my hold on it.”

There was a long silence before TJ spoke up again, “Besides, you can’t mean to tell me that the way you’re **most recently** accustomed to living even compares to sharing a bed with the son of **two** presidents.”

Jack was silent, TJ looked over to see if he’d fallen asleep, and he saw before he felt the fine tremors of the bed shaking as Jack laughed silently before he was half-sitting, doubled over and laughing aloud.

TJ tried to maintain a straight face but felt his cheeks and mouth betraying him and he smiled before falling into fits of laughter equally as hard.

“God I must be delirious.” Jack laughed some more.

“It has been one of those days.” TJ snickered, trying to regain his composure. “Maybe we both are.”

“I didn’t tell you the worst things I’ve done.” Jack sobered.

“I didn’t tell you my deepest darkest either. It’s ok Jack.” TJ retained his smile from the previous mirth, “You did tell us the about soul-searching you did. You’re on a new path now. Embrace that.”

TJ sat up in the middle of the bed, cross-legged and held a hand out to Jack. “Tell me about the man you love.”

Jack linked his hand in TJ’s briefly before releasing it and sitting to face him, mirroring his position. “Joseph.” He said softly.

“Joseph. What was he like?”

“He was kind.” Jack’s face was wistful, a half-smile on his face and tears pricking the corners of his eyes. “Open. He was beautiful. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll forget how beautiful he was. I miss his voice, soft-spoken and musical.”

TJ waited, as Jack wiped the tears away.

“He took so much abuse from me and still he waited for me to come around. He had hope for me, for us. Even when hope was a child’s dream, he kept it and cherished it. He tried to call me on my shit and I wouldn’t listen. I treated him terribly because it was what my father wanted. It was what I thought I wanted.” Jack stopped talking; his eyes looked like they were trying to focus on a distant, intangible point. TJ touched his knee to let him know he wasn’t alone. “I didn’t know what I wanted – but I was so convinced I did.” Jack finally said, tears flooding his blue-gray eyes.

Jack put his hands palm down on the bed behind him and stretched his arms, lifting his rear briefly off the bed, rolling his neck and shoulders before settling in with his legs straight in front of him and leaning back on his outstretched arms. “I miss him.” He smiled a small, sentimental smile.

“I am now convinced I was the only one invested in my relationship with Sean.” TJ sighed.

“He hurt you.” It wasn’t a question. “Much the same way I hurt Joseph. I can see it in your eyes.”

“He said some harsh things.” TJ agreed. “Maybe some part of him cared about me, but I don’t know if he would be sitting anywhere crying over me if I’d have died from my suicide attempt. Not the way you are over Joseph.”

“How can you know?”

“I don’t.” TJ agreed solemnly. He breathed out and caught himself trying to turn the subject away from himself again. He had just asked Jack to open up and now it was his turn. “Not that it matters either way, it’s not an option. I lost him in a different way than your loss. It’s no less permanent, it’s just that I get to see how he’s doing _without me_ on a continuous basis. It’s slowly getting easier to push past it. It’s just that sometimes there’s that little thing that sits under the surface… that…”

“’What if?’ feeling?” Jack provided at TJ’s silence. He watched the weary frown on TJ’s face soften, his forehead smoothed, his fingers stopped picking at the bed linens and started tracing the folds and lines of the rumpled fabric.

“Stupid right? Everyone is so relieved that it’s over. They don’t even ask how I might be handling seeing Sean in the news or on the street. They figure what’s done is done and they’re all better off for not having that particular “TJ drama” to cloud their daily lives. Meanwhile my heart trips when I see him or hear his voice. It’s not _as_ painful as it used to be. But it’s still so _hard_.” TJ’s eyes welled.

“You didn’t get to have the process that most relationships go through when they end. In that way, it is a lot like a death. In a relationship things usually wind down – one or both parties start feeling that “it’s not right” feeling but instead you had it ripped from you. Of course your heart is still involved.” Jack moved from his reclining position, reaching forward and stopping TJ’s hand from tracing the hills and valleys of the comforter beneath them by taking his hand in his own. “No. Your feelings are not stupid TJ.”

TJ leaned forward, motivated by the words spoken so earnestly, putting his free hand on Jack’s neck and pulling him the remainder of the distance. TJ took Jack’s lower lip between his teeth with a tender nip before having his kiss slowly and tenderly returned. Jack released TJ’s hand and brought both hands to TJ’s neck, holding him firmly in place before trailing the palms of his hands along TJ’s jaw. The hand that had been released went to Jack’s chest and TJ made small grasping motions before tightly clutching the tee shirt Jack wore as the kiss escalated, two tongues prodding and massaging first inside his mouth and then inside Jack’s.

The kisses slowly migrated, Jack trailed away first, touching his lips to TJ’s jaw and along his neck before TJ pushed lightly against Jack’s chest and simultaneously leaned in to him to kiss his throat just above the collar of the tee shirt.

TJ’s hands slid beneath the shirt, rucking it up as they rose to Jack’s chest. Jack slipped first one arm and then another from the sleeves as his chest was exposed and in a quick motion between TJ’s kisses Jack slipped it swiftly over his head and tossed it aside. TJ claimed Jack’s lips again as his fingers skimmed Jack’s pert nipples, swallowing Jack’s groan. Jack laid his hands on TJ’s shoulders and TJ slid gracefully from his lotus position to kneel straddling Jack’s outstretched legs. His kiss deepened and Jack’s hands slid down TJ’s chest to rest on his waist just above the pajama pants. He kneaded the muscles there as he hungrily took TJ’s kisses and returned them with pent up passion from months without. His head swam with the thought that he wasn’t going to be caught. The notion that if he was caught he would be able smile and laugh it off overwhelmed him and he chuckled into the kiss, causing TJ to pull away and look at him.

TJ’s head tipped from one side to the other, reminding Jack of a curious puppy which just made his laughter intensify and TJ’s frown sent him into fits of laughter again.

“I’m glad that was funny.” The hurt evident in TJ’s voice sobered Jack immediately.

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t.” Jack trailed his finger up TJ’s abdomen, over his chest and to his neck. He rested his hand on TJ’s jaw, his thumb caressing the dip in his chin, “I was overcome. The thought that it wouldn’t matter if someone caught us made me happy. I’ve never had the freedom to feel that much joy in something as beautiful as a kiss. It was always behind closed doors – always secretive and bordering on shameful. You kiss beautifully TJ, Kiss me some more?”

TJ mentally forced himself to get over the initial hurt that Jack’s laughter had caused. He’d been instantly afraid that Jack had been mocking him; the phrase “ _pathetic American punchline”_ had haunted his nightmares ever since it had been spewed from Sean’s mouth and even now rose to torture him. As Jack explained, TJ understood intimately what he was saying. He knew bone-deep about the fear of discovery and was saddened that Jack had never known the slightest freedom that being out could afford. TJ couldn’t help the smile that took over his entire face when Jack said he kissed beautifully and he wasted no time before grabbing Jack’s neck to pull him back in and continue assaulting Jack’s mouth and tongue with his own.

Jack sighed into TJ’s kiss and the forgiveness of his burst of laughter. He didn’t know exactly which buttons had been pushed but he knew he’d been the one to push them. Jack leaned forward into TJ’s space, causing TJ to lean back.

The backs of TJ’s thighs brushed his heels as he leaned as far back as he could go. Taking full control and getting out of the uncomfortable position, TJ pushed forward, gracefully centering himself over Jack’s hips. He moved his hands down Jack’s neck to his shoulders and pressed Jack back against the pillows.

Jack felt overwhelmed from the sensation of TJ’s thighs sliding lightly over his hips, teasing his member as TJ’s ass glided over his semi hard cock, the layers of fabric only adding to the intensity. TJ reached for Jack’s lips, stretching his neck as he held himself aloft with his hands firmly gripping Jack’s shoulders.

Their lips met briefly before TJ paused, breathing in Jack’s breath, Jack deeply inhaling TJ’s exhaled sigh. Jack felt lightheaded as his focus on TJ’s silvery eyes wavered. He licked his top lip before grinning breathlessly as TJ steadied his own intoxicated mind. TJ dipped his forehead to Jack’s, his chest lowering to touch Jack’s chest, his tender nipples feeling the contact as his arms started to weaken.

Jack put his hands on TJ’s chest and ran his fingers down along TJ’s ribcage feeling the muscles tensing and trembling as TJ’s arms visibly vibrated. Jack arched up to feel the pleasure of TJ’s nipples against his skin again as his palms glided around to TJ’s back. Jack pushed TJ over onto his side, rolling with him and snatching his bottom lip between his lips, darting his tongue between both his lips and TJ’s to flick the underside of TJ’s swollen bottom lip before they descended again into another fervent kiss.

TJ’s hands reached and grasped for Jack, the arm on the bed reached out so his hand could clasp Jack’s neck in his long fingers, gently splaying across Jack’s adam’s apple and up the back of Jack’s jaw. His other hand took liberties in Jack’s hair, fingering the soft strands. Jack’s hands stayed on TJ’s torso. His recent day of rowing had made Jack’s fingers tender and the barest hint of a callus that was forming on the palms of his hands brushed against smooth skin causing TJ to flex in response. The tender fingers of one of Jack’s hands lightly teased TJ’s nipples while the other hand swooped across TJ’s back and down to toy with dipping under the waistband of TJ’s pajama pants and brushing the dimples there.

TJ trailed his kisses slowly from Jack’s lips to his shoulder and to his chest, following his lips along Jack’s torso with his hands. Jack stopped playing at TJ’s waistband to tuck his hand fully beneath the fabric and grasped TJ’s cheek. Clutching and kneading before trailing his fingers along the curve of the cheek and dipping between, tenderly skimming along both cheeks. His fingers briefly tickled the tender spot there, eliciting a spasm and the clenching of TJ’s cheeks around Jacks fingers, at the same time causing TJ to bite at Jack’s nipple.

Jack’s free hand grasped at TJ’s hair, tugging softly to either dissuade or encourage more – he wasn’t sure, the initial nip sent a shock through Jack but the residual pleasure caused him to waver. TJ looked up at Jack, his eyes bright and his red, swollen lips forming a sly smile. Jack grinned back, taking TJ’s face in both hands and leaning to kiss those delicious lips again.

TJ was thrumming with need, mourning the loss of the intimate touch Jack had initiated but savoring the gentle handling and kisses, he let control go and returned Jacks passion with bites and licks at Jack’s lips and tongue, teeth clashing together occasionally. TJ pulled Jack over on top of him and rocked his hips up against Jack’s.

Their shared friction teasing both of their cocks, TJ reached between them gliding his hand and fingers between their still cotton covered members with pressure and skill. Jack groaned into TJ’s mouth at the contact, pressing his hips into TJ’s and trapping his hand firmly between them until TJ managed to move it again, stimulating both of their arousal. TJ felt the warm damp through both layers, coming from both of them and he wanted.

Sliding his hand into Jack’s sweatpants was a tricky thing with both of their hips doing their own dance, crowding out access, until Jack realized what TJ was going for. He arched his back, pulling his hips slightly away from TJ’s reluctantly. Together they shoved the sweat pants down to get lost at the foot of the bed and TJ  slid his fingers over firm, smooth skin of Jack's cock. Jack shuddered as TJ’s thumb slid across the tip and pressed slightly there. He rolled off of TJ pulling him over on top of him, still nibbling TJ’s lip and kissing his jawline.

TJ pulled away, looking down at Jack before surging downward to replace his fingers on TJ’s cock with his tongue. Jack looked down to meet the lust filled eyes TJ burned him with, his pink tongue was voraciously demonstrating yet more talent. TJ locked eyes with Jack and watched hungrily as Jack trailed his fingers down his own chest with sighs from the combined sensation. He felt Jack’s fingers make contact with his cheek before they trailed along his ear and into his hair, first one hand and then the other. As TJ took Jack’s length into his mouth Jack’s fingers carded through TJ’s hair then gripped greedily, encouraging and pleading without words.

TJ watched Jack’s reaction as he slid his lips and tongue over Jack’s cock, watched his breaths hitch, watched his teeth take his kiss-swollen lower lip between them and turn the surrounding skin pale. He watched Jack as he fought between maintaining eye contact and tossing his head back. TJ took pleasure in dragging the flat of his tongue along the underside before taking him back into his mouth, part of the pleasure was watching Jack’s struggle to remain present. Jack kept his moans in the back of his throat and TJ wanted him to let go, to free himself. TJ’s hand trailed along Jack’s exposed thigh and skimmed the skin of his pelvis before his fingers slid beneath Jack’s balls and delicately worked until, between his manipulation and repeated strokes with his tongue along the length and tip, and finally taking the full length of Jack’s erection. As Jack’s hips bucked, TJ fought a smile when Jack broke eye contact and cried out shamelessly.

Jack felt the buildup as he fought to hold TJ’s gaze, his swollen, pink lips surrounding him, finally fully taking him in after so many teasing efforts and equally as many languid tongue strokes. Jack fought equally hard to keep the moans quiet. TJ seemed to be working against him with his skilled, tender touches and the firm and experienced massaging of his sack. Jack couldn’t maintain his composure any longer and let loose a loud string of “fuck yes, Oh Fuck! Yes. TJ. FUCK! As he thrust his hips, burying himself into TJ’s velvety wet mouth and tight throat, spilling warmth that TJ swallowed with each thrust and licked from his glistening lips with a grin as he pulled away with a ‘pop’. TJ twitched his eyebrows at Jack and slid up his body to kiss him.

TJ’s arousal brushed along Jack’s thigh as he moved in to kiss Jack’s shocked and very dirty mouth. Jack tasted himself on TJ’s lips as he took more from the beautiful talented mouth. “You have quite the skill.” TJ laughed softly, at the compliment.

“I look forward to seeing if you can compete…” TJ said through kisses.

Jack trailed his finger along TJ’s jaw, “such a talented mouth.” He smirked, kissing first TJ’s mouth and then his dimpled chin. Funny thought – he’d never really cared for his own, but it made TJ all the more beautiful, he’d think about that later.

TJ rested his head on his folded arms wishing the kissing hadn’t ended but excited for what was next. He watched as Jack trailed his kisses down his chest. The smile after his compliment had been earnest and Jack’s eyes had been hungry. TJ’s ab muscles undulated under Jack’s tongue and kiss ministrations. Jack took the tie to TJ’s pants between his teeth and tugged. He slid the garment down over slender hips and down muscular thighs and TJ kicked them free. TJ loved the firm grip that Jack put on his hips gripping them and pressing them into the mattress, securing him to the bed. He tried to lift his hips to test Jack’s strength and laughed when Jack’s gaze snapped back up to him with a mock warning.

Jack traced his tongue along the beautiful ‘v’ at TJ’s hips, glancing up at TJ each time he tried to move his pelvis. Jack’s fingers made pink marks on TJ’s smooth skin where he had him secured. Holding TJ down like this was a tricky decision, TJ having control being very important to his sobriety, but Jack’s concern was alleviated at TJ’s laugh and his continued teasing hip thrusts.

“You can hold me down, Jack or you can touch me. I’d rather you touch me.” TJ’s voice, gruff from what they’d already done as well as his arousal, was teasing.

“Silence.” Jack purred against TJ’s thigh. “I’m busy.”

Jack dragged his tongue along the tender inner thigh, up and over smooth skin. He traced a path to the base of TJ’s shaft and paused, looking up at TJ’s face.

“I told you, touch me Jack. You have limited options now.” TJ winked at Jack. Jack took the challenge, still gripping TJ’s hips, circling the tip of TJ’s cock with a sly look before slowly taking the whole of him into his mouth then pulling back, licking and teasing with his tongue in such a way that had TJ writhing trying to thrust each time Jack engulfed him. TJ stretched his arms out to reach for Jack then diverted to grasp at his fingers on his hips. “Touch me you bastard.” TJ called out with a half-laugh, on the verge of coming and wanting to thrust deep into Jack’s throat.

Jack’s grip faltered and TJ thrust, twining his fingers into Jack’s hair as Jack finally circled the base and stroked the last bit of control out of TJ’s engorged member. Jack rode TJ’s orgasm, momentarily lost in a haze from an overload of sensation. He pulled away reluctantly after TJ’s final thrust left them both winded. Jack rolled aside gasping for breath with a gravely laugh spilling over his glistening, swollen lips. TJ crawled to the same spot in the center of the bed facing Jack. “you ok?” he sighed, rolling to the bed in a tired heap.

“Yeah,” Jack breathed. TJ moved slowly and claimed Jack’s lips in a soft kiss.

“That was fucking amazing.” TJ praised between tender kisses.

“I know.” Jack grinned before scrunching up his nose and giggling.

“You got loud Jack.” TJ teased. Jack’s brow furrowed and TJ reached up to smooth it, “That’s a good thing Jack. Freeing, yes?”

“Yes.” Jack sighed in relief, it was freeing. It felt very good to be teased about it and to have done it at all, letting go of any fears and inhibitions was something he had always dreamed of. He linked his fingers with TJ’s. “What just happened?”

“I gave a fucking amazing blow job. And I received a fucking amazing blow job.” TJ said squarely, looking Jack in the eye. “You screamed my name and you were a control freak and it was awesome.”


	6. Chapter 6

TJ was in the kitchen fumbling through making coffee. He’d fallen asleep next to Jack not long after laughing and praising their sexploits. He woke feeling groggy but feeling pretty damned good, stepped into his discarded pajama pants and after slipping on Jack’s discarded tee shirt and almost falling on his ass, he decided coffee was in order.

Janie came into the kitchen with the same goal in mind and saw TJ standing idly over the coffee maker, she slid her arms around his waist “so, sex on the first date huh?” she sighed into his shoulder blade.

“It’s not coke.” Was all he said as he fondly laid his hands on top of hers.

“No but your heart is going to get bruised. Or his is.”

“Janie, they both already are.” TJ turned to face her, wrapping his arms around her. “You should know that.”

“You have a point.” She frowned. “What will you do?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“Wasn’t it weird?” she scrunched up her nose with a childlike glee, “You two look so much alike.”

“I couldn’t tell. He looks like Jack to me.” TJ said matter-of-factly. It was true. As they’d talked and as they’d kissed, he could only see “Jack” and not a mirror image or doppelganger. “It’s not weird. It was – it was fucking amazing.”

“Ok, I’m sorry I asked. I am not that roommate…” Janie grinned, “how much longer before coffee?”

TJ turned back to the coffee maker and realized it hadn’t been turned on yet. “How much longer would it take to just run for coffee?” he asked Janie with a laugh.

“TJ – Seriously?” she flipped the switch and pulled out two mugs.

“Hey, I haven’t had my coffee yet.” He teased.

Jack came into the room, “hey.” He said tentatively, “is there enough of that for a third?”

“TJ forgot to turn it on, it’ll be a few. How did you sleep Jack?” Janie noticed the blush creep up Jack’s cheeks and stifled a grin.

“I slept well once I finally settled down, thank you. I’m sorry if we woke you.” Jack decided it would be best not to ignore the fact that everyone knew what had gone on in the night. Actually he felt a kind of satisfaction in speaking the tiny word “we” aloud.

“I thought I heard something. I figured it was the neighbors – or a couple of alley cats.” She teased and flinched when TJ’s elbow met her ribs. “TJ I call abuse.”

“I call you cruel.” TJ returned, “be nice.”

Jack started folding the unused bedding up as he waited for coffee. TJ noticed and went over to him, brushing a kiss on the side of his jaw, “you moving in with me?” he teased.

“I didn’t know what was going on.” Jack responded, “I figured I should clean things up for the day though.”

“I'm serious. There’s room. And if you don’t mind a little casual fuck…” TJ wiggled his eyebrows and smirked at Jack. “Of course if last night was just a one-time thing just let me know. There’s no toll for sharing the room and bed.”

“No, everything sounds…” Jack dropped the corner of the blanket he’d started to fold and brought his hand up to TJ’s jaw “everything sounds overwhelming – and it sounds nice.”

TJ kissed Jack softly, not concerned with the not-so-subtle noises Janie was making in the kitchen. In fact, he turned the two of them mid-kiss just so she could see his middle finger saluting her behind Jack’s back.

Jack suspected some kind of trouble when TJ spun them mid-kiss so he tried to angle away to see what was going on but TJ wouldn’t release him from their kisses. Not that he wanted the kissing to end necessarily. He finally gave up just before Janie outed TJ, “So classy TJ, flipping me off behind your boyfriend’s back.”

“Janie!” TJ cried. Jack pulled away from TJ laughing.

“Not fair Janie. We hardly know each other.” Jack chuckled.

“Seems like you know each other just fine.” Janie said, bringing Jack the first cup of coffee. “Cream? Sugar?”

“This is fine.” Jack smiled, “As for the rest…”

“As for the rest, Janie, we both had a hectic and emotional few days and we let off steam. We might need to let off more steam. Who knows? We’re consenting adults.” TJ tucked his arm behind Jack’s back and slid his fingers over his ass, bare beneath the sweat pants, TJ winked at Jack. “So, where’s **my** coffee Janie?”

“Well TJ, it’s right in the kitchen where you left it – except the grounds and the water have heated and mingled – which is a far cry from the way **you** left it.” Janie taunted.

Jack grinned at the pair, less shocked at their banter than the day before, and handed TJ his mug. “I’ll get my own.” He chuckled as Janie huffed and TJ beamed.

“I like cream and sugar.” TJ called after him.

“Get your own.” Jack and Janie said in unison.

“Humph.” TJ took a sip of the black coffee and turned to follow Jack into the kitchen to sweeten his coffee. “I’ll remember this.”

 “I’ll make it up to you TJ.” Janie chuckled, “Unless one of you fine young men wants to fix breakfast? I thought I’d take us out.”

Jack cringed at the thought of cooking, reminded of his father and years of kitchen breakfasts. “I won’t be cooking any time soon.” Jack said softly.

TJ noticed the uncomfortable look before Jack spoke and settled his hand on Jack’s shoulder and Jack offered a watery smile in return for the comfort.

“Janie! If you’re buying breakfast, I wouldn’t turn you down but I’m going to have to pay you back somehow as soon as I sell my songs.”

“Nonsense. We’re not keeping tabs around here. Pull your weight, do your best, and if I feel like dragging two pretty boys to the diner I’ll do just that.” Janie smiled over her coffee mug. “You two should go get some clothes on.

Jack looked into his mug noticing he’d practically drained the contents, “I think first a shower. It’s been days and nobody’s complained yet – but soon it will happen.”

“You smell like peppermint.” TJ smiled.

“There are worse smells.” Janie laughed.

“I wasn’t complaining.” TJ added, winking across the room at Jack. Jack set his mug in the sink and brushed his fingers over TJ’s arm before heading in to the bedroom. TJ followed, coffee in hand. “Hey Jack? Are you ok?”

“Of course.” Jack lied through his best smile mask.

“Yeah. I know that trick. What’s wrong?”

“TJ, what isn’t wrong?” Jack sank to the bed putting his head in his hands.

TJ set his coffee on the night stand and sat next to Jack, his thigh just barely making contact with Jack’s. “What, specifically, is bothering you right now?”

Jack pulled his hands through his hair and sat with his fingers linked behind his neck looking at a point on the floor where the floorboards met at an uneven angle. “There are too many things to list.”

“Ok, let’s start with the idea of fixing breakfast.” TJ prompted, causing Jack to huff out a breath.

“My father used to fix breakfast, preaching about family.” Jack said the last word with sarcasm. “Then there’s Janie offering to buy breakfast, and I’m used to it, to people giving me things, to having things and privilege. Ordinarily I would be embracing it, even expecting it. Yet over these last few days, people have given so much of themselves and I hardly feel worthy. I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong. Then because I have hardly any money for the foreseeable future – I don’t know where to go or how I’ll get there. I’m a goddamned soldier TJ! I commanded men and I can’t even run my own life!”

“You _were_ a soldier Jack, with the support of your country. Then you did things that you had to face the consequences for. Granted, those consequences were beyond what anyone should have to endure; but that’s what brought you here. Now you just have a **much** smaller country to support you, the tiny country that occupies this apartment.”

Janie peeked in having heard most of the conversation from the living room, “You just take orders from me instead of your kingly father.” She said from the doorway before coming to sit at Jacks opposite side and wrap her arms around his waist. “You are under a direct order right now to not worry about where to go next because you have a home here as long as you need it. I am also ordering you to take today off. No thinking about anything more serious than what kind of trouble the three of us can get into. It’s Saturday! Enjoy the weekend before you get all worried about things.”

“And Janie’s not sorry for eavesdropping.” TJ added.

“Never. I’m shameless. It’s my only vice these days.”

Jack shook his head at them both. “Thank you both for putting up with me. I don’t deserve such gentle treatment. I seriously don’t know how to behave around people these days. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

Janie scooted away from Jack enough to turn and face him, “Jack, you deserve it and more. You are talking to two people who know those feelings very well.”

“Thanks Janie.” Jack took Janie’s hand in his and kissed it. “Any idea what to do about it?”

“Go get a shower so we can get some food.” She patted his cheek, “there’s nothing to be done, you’re changing, you’re growing and you’ll figure out who you are as you go.” Jack rose letting her hand slide from his. He turned and put the newly emptied hand on TJ’s shoulder and gave a thoughtful squeeze before moving to the door. Janie called after him, “There’s a stack of towels and a new toothbrush on the counter. If there’s anything else you need, let me know.”

Jack turned and smiled, “thanks, again.” He offered a small smile before heading into the bathroom.

“TJ, are you sure about moving so fast with him?” Janie asked in a low voice, “he’s lonely and hurting and he could latch onto you like we did with our drug of choice.”

“Janie, I’m not sure about anything. I know we both needed each other last night for different reasons. I know he and I haven’t discussed anything – haven’t had a chance to – since it happened. I also know that you care but please, this one thing is not your business.”

“You’re right. Of course you’re right.”

“I am. And if you’ll excuse me, I'm not gonna miss a chance like this.” TJ ducked out of the room.

“TJ!” Janie called after him, “oh Teej…” she sighed, heading into her bedroom to get into her jeans and an oversized sweatshirt. She pulled out a few more tee shirts from her ‘comfy’ drawer and took them in to set on TJ’s (and Jack’s?) bed.

TJ stepped into the bathroom, “hope it’s ok I come in.” he said as he pulled the door closed behind him. The room was already filling with steam, the mirror starting to mist over.

Jack poked his head out from behind the curtain. “TJ,” Jack smirked at the sight of TJ’s rear as TJ untied the waistband of his pajama pants and slid them over his ass.

TJ looked over his shoulder and smiled as he stepped out of the first leg, “like I said, hope it’s ok if I come in.” and winked.

Jack watched the flex of thigh muscles and the muscles in TJ’s ass as he shook the other leg loose and turned. “Not sure this is the best time. Janie’s waiting.”

“Yeah! We’re saving time – and water.” TJ winked again.

“Not sure that you have saving time in mind.” Jack smirked, “we should really –”

TJ stepped up to the tub and kissed Jack softly, “we should get a shower and not spend time talking about it.” He stepped inside as Jack stepped back, “hand me that.”

Jack reached for the bar of soap, a hand-crafted looking block with a spicy scent, and his fingers brushed along TJ’s as TJ took it from him, wrapping it in his long fingers and smoothing them along and around it slowly, suds building around and between TJ’s fingers. TJ handed the bar back to Jack with a kiss on the back of his neck before replacing his lips with soap laden, strong hands.

TJ kneaded the muscles in Jack’s neck and shoulders, pressing his nose into the hollow space at the nape of Jack’s neck and laying a tender kiss there. TJ’s fingers pressed and pulled at the muscles down Jack’s arms before sliding back up and over jack’s back and ribs. He brought his hands around to knead at Jack’s chest, fingers sliding silkily over his pert nipples and down Jack’s belly. When TJ’s fingers gripped Jack’s obliques, Jack couldn’t stifle a giggle at the ticklish spot TJ’d uncovered.

Jack was shocked at the giggle, and TJ felt the involuntary tension return to Jack’s body. “Mmm,” he soothed, his lips trailing along the line from Jack’s neck to his shoulder, “relax Jack, push all thoughts out of your head, enjoy the steam and this.” He slid his hands back up along Jack’s abs and pressed his body along the line of Jack’s to hug him tenderly.

“TJ.” Jack protested

“I’ll stop if you want. Tell me to leave and I will. You have choices Jack.” TJ murmured against Jack’s shoulder. “If you’d like, all we need to do is enjoy this quiet moment.”

Jack turned, the soap sluicing down his back and trailing with the hot water down his legs as he did, he wrapped his arms around TJ’s waist and buried his head in TJ’s neck. “I don’t know what I want and it terrifies me.” Jack almost whimpered. “And that I’m admitting weakness every time I open my mouth terrifies me even more.”

TJ’s hands came up to cup Jack’s head and neck, then slid down slowly to caress Jack’s tense shoulders and trail down to rest just above the curve of Jack’s ass. “We can just start with this.” TJ announced with a sincere smile even though Jack couldn’t see it, “I think it’s been a long time since you’ve been held.”

TJ knew how all of those things felt, from not knowing what you want to feeling like shit for showing weakness to not being held. He would not take advantage of the emotional turmoil Jack was going through, not for sex, not for anything. TJ knew from the things that Jack had said and from reading between the lines of things Jack hadn’t said that this version of Jack was a brand new thing, softer maybe, fragile in its newness. He would encourage Jack to explore this unfamiliar territory. Like Janie had said Jack was changing and growing. They were his friends and they would help.

Jack was torn between snapping at TJ for making such an assumption and falling to pieces because it was so true, so he just clung to TJ and the warm kindness that he was offering. He’d shunned kindness before and all that got him was pain and loss. He was in a new place becoming a new person. He would try, for once, to do right by himself without reservation. He would open his mind and his heart to the people around him, and for once he was going to try to rely on them, to trust their actions. It was a place and time where he could make choices and right now these were his.

They finished washing themselves, showering efficiently after the slow tender moment passed and stepped out of the shower one at a time into soft, sweet smelling towels. Jack toweled his hair and looped the damp towel over the towel bar, then proceeded to brush his teeth and comb his hair, noting that it was far too shaggy. TJ toweled dry, watching a naked Jack scrutinize himself critically, and stepped hastily into clean boxer-briefs. He tossed a pair of black ones at Jack “clean. I know you have practically nothing. We should see about a stop for a few essentials today.”

“TJ…” Jack started then stopped at the no nonsense look on TJ’s face, “Thanks.” He amended.

“You’re welcome.” TJ grinned, grabbing Jack’s protruding lower lip in a quick nip before kissing him. His coffee-breath mingling with Jack’s fresh minty mouth. Jack pulled TJ close by one hand on his TJ’s neck and increased the kiss before letting his hand slide down TJ’s chest and stepping back, both of them flushed and their lips pink and kiss-swollen.

TJ backed out of the bathroom with a smile, taking his pajama pants with him. Jack stepped into the borrowed underwear before picking up his borrowed sweat pants and tee shirt and following TJ to the bedroom.

They dressed quickly, hearing Janie making comments about boys taking longer than girls on a good day, “or maybe that’s a gay thing.” She hollered. “I guess you’re not hungry.”

“Shit Janie. Have patience.” TJ called out, handing Jack a hoodie with a grin as they stepped out of the bedroom.

“Can’t have any peace with you yelling through the place.” He scolded. “Here we are. Presentable and ready to go. C’mon.” TJ led everyone out of the apartment and down the hall, opting to sprint down the stairs. Jack and Janie shook their heads and stepped into the waiting elevator.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know but she’d just drag me off to a meeting or something and I just want to be normal. Fucking “normal” for one damned day. I’m not going to duck out anywhere and try to make a score. I just want to do this. Shop, see stupid shit on a Saturday in New York. I want to spend time with you. Not holed up in a dark basement meeting.”
> 
> Jack’s hand slid from TJ’s hair to rest on the back of his neck. Jack splayed his fingers and contracted them, rubbing slowly, feeling the muscles in TJ’s neck give under them. “If there’s the slightest change in your thinking, you have to promise me,” Jack looked into TJ’s eyes, “promise me TJ, that you’ll do the right thing and talk to Janie. I saw you yesterday, getting closer and closer to telling the cab driver to deviate from the address you gave him. I watched you picking at the fibers of your pants until the threads wore thin. I won’t tell Janie a goddamned thing but if you so much as turn a corner out of my sight or hers I’ll spill. She’ll dog your every step and I will cheer her on.”

* * *

The trio stepped out of the apartment building and into the spring air, Jack inhaled the after-rain scent of wet concrete and cherry blossoms from the trees planted along the street in front of Janie’s apartment. The earthy and sweet scents mingling and causing him to smile for what had to be the thousandth time since arriving on this block yesterday. He slipped his fingers around TJ’s and gripped his hand lightly.

TJ looked up at Jack when he’d taken his hand, pleased at the smile on Jack’s face. He knew that it was a reprieve from the turmoil in Jack’s life but it was a natural, healthy one so it was good. He really wanted to figure out what to do to help Jack. TJ knew what he needed to do but it was going to take a lot more courage than he was afraid he had.

“TJ! What do you think?” Janie’s frustrated voice startled him back to the present; she’d stepped in front of them and was walking backwards, twirling her closed umbrella like a baton.

“I think you’re too old for the drill team.” TJ laughed. Jack looked at him like he’d grown a second head and laughed at him.

“Very funny.” Janie sulked, “I asked if we should head over to the flower show after brunch.”

“Might as well, I was hoping to do some shopping, Jack needs some things and I’ve brought my credit card.”

“Yeah, good idea.” Janie pursed her lips, “It’s kind of disturbing seeing him and you side by side in your clothes.”

“That’s funny Janie. Because when I saw him in _your_ clothes all I wanted to do was get them off of him.” TJ teased, crinkling his nose and grinning at her.

Jack watched, still in complete awe of this relationship. He blushed at the mention of TJ removing his clothes. This openness was still so foreign. He’d involuntarily tightened his grip on TJ’s hand feeling the sting of embarrassment or shame that was so finely honed in his psyche. TJ’s thumb stroking the back of his hand brought him back to calm.

They entered the diner, missing the busy morning rush and just before the Saturday afternoon crowds, they had a seat within minutes of entering. Seated in a corner booth, Jack and TJ were seated side-by-side along the wall and Janie sat near the window, the sun highlighting the gold strands in her brown hair. TJ watched her curls bounce as she ordered a Coke from the server as he came to the table asking if they wanted to start with drinks. TJ echoed her order and Jack just went with water. Jack wondered what they were thinking when both sets of eyes landed on him. After the server walked away, Janie was quick to reassure him, “Jack, you can order anything. Go ahead; get a soda or coffee or something.”

“I’m ok Janie.” Jack’s smile didn’t meet his eyes “I haven’t had enough water in the past few days, couldn’t get enough of it.”

Janie watched Jack, certain he was being conservative in some attempt to be the “anti-prince” that seemed to haunt him. He looked tired still, damn TJ anyway for keeping him up all night.

“Well get the bottled stuff at least.” TJ scoffed. “City tap water is not the greatest idea.”

“I appreciate the concern, TJ.” Jack said, taking TJ’s fidgety fingers into his hand. “I’m fine with a glass of ice water for now. Maybe I’ll order something else in a bit.”

“It’s ok Jack, order what you want when you want… order TJ to leave you alone if you have to.” Janie winked at TJ. “Same goes for me actually. If today’s too much for your first day in town, just let both of us know.”

“Thanks Janie, but everything is really ok.” Jack didn’t like the walking-on-eggshells feeling that was cropping up. “I’m fine. If I’m quiet it’s because I don’t quite know what to say. I’m still feeling my way around this new situation. I’m hungry and I’m not sure how sweet soda will sit in my stomach before I eat something.”

TJ handed Jack a menu, “what sounds good?” he asked as Jack examined the list.

“Anything but eggs.” Jack frowned, flipping the page quickly, still reeling from the entire thought of eggs, now soured by his father. “Greek burger? Hmm. Maybe. What about you guys?”

“Pasta.” TJ determined. “Cheese ravioli to be specific.”

“Big ole bacon cheeseburger for me,” Janie grinned, “and a plate loaded with fries.”

When the server returned with their drinks Janie and TJ each ordered, Jack was still uncertain until the order spilled from his lips “I guess I’ll stick with the Greek burger, thanks.” He smiled at the young server, getting a flirty smile in return. His brow furrowed before he made a mental note to keep the smile in place, not as a regal but as someone who could be open with his feelings. “May I also get an iced coffee? Is that presweetened or?” he asked sweetly.

“Absolutely,” the young blond man answered, “We can make it sweetened or not, however you prefer.”

“I would like it lightly sweetened, just barely, please.” Jack gave the slender boy an engaging smile.

TJ chuckled as the adorable blonde server walked away, “Nice job flirting Jack. Can’t say I blame you.”

“I’m not exactly accustomed to publicly flirting with boys. That wasn’t quite a flirt but it felt good.” Jack admitted.

“Good for you.” Janie patted Jack on the knee. “I’m proud of you, it was very well executed.”

Jack could have taken that as patronizing but he chose to continue to eschew the old habits that were just under the surface. “Thanks… I should probably keep it at “not quite a flirt”; you don’t need any more people knocking at your door.” He gave her a sweet smile. “Besides, I’m not sure I have it in me to compete with TJ for young Kyle’s affections.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, we could absolutely share.” TJ grinned, eyes twinkling.

“Smack him for me Jack – he’s too far away.” Janie mock-frowned.

Jack recoiled as if he’d been struck, thinking back to the smacks he’d received, the brutal hits he’d given. He sank back into the seat with a dazed look.

“Jack.” TJ soothingly rubbed Jack’s arm “Hey, where’d you go man?”

Jack looked at his hands, fists curled in his lap. Violent days and violent thoughts haunted him as he tried to deal with the memories. Memories of getting slapped for loving Joseph, getting hit for not being enough, lashing out and hitting, just _hoping_ to be hit because that pain made more sense than the clawing pain in his chest.

TJ’s hands closed over one of Jack’s fists, soothing just like he’d done earlier, running long, strong thumbs over the taught back of his clenched fist. “It’s ok Jack. What do you need?”

Of all times for TJ’s phone to ring, TJ glanced toward the phone, “Douglas” he said to Janie. Janie reached across the table and answered. 

> “Douglas! Hi! It’s Janie, TJ’s friend. TJ stepped into the restroom can I have him call you back?”
> 
> “Janie, Hi. Is everything all right?”
> 
> “Yeah, We’re at a diner near my place before we head to the Macy’s Flower Show.”

Meanwhile TJ in the background was keeping his voice low, talking to Jack, “Hey, do you need to go outside for some air or something?”

Jack drew his eyes away from his fists and TJ’s fingers, to meet TJ’s pale blue eyes, “I’m ok. I’ll be ok. I don’t want to talk about it. Later, I’ll tell you about it later. Thank you TJ.” Jack loosened his fists, extending his fingers in TJ’s hands, bringing his free hand to TJ’s jaw, “Maybe you should take the call.”

TJ wrapped one hand around Jacks and held the other out to Janie, “Douglas, he’s back, here you go.” She grinned at TJ, he was going to have to find out what nonsense she’d been feeding his brother.

> “Dougie.” TJ greeted.
> 
> “Hey TJ. What’s going on?”
> 
> “Didn’t Janie tell you, we’re at the diner, I’m waiting on lunch and then we’re going to spend this rainy spring Saturday at the flower show. Then later I have to buy a few things.”
> 
> “I kind of thought you’d call and let me know when you were settled.”
> 
> “I figured everything was good when I told you I was on my way to Janie’s. I got there and we got settled in for the night with Chinese food and games, I played her my songs and we stayed up late. Not a lot to check in about. I won’t be calling you every day Douglas.”
> 
> “You need to call Mom.”
> 
> “I assume everything is going well for her, I’ll call her when I am in the right frame of mind. Meanwhile tell her I’m safe and I’m clean. Give her Janie’s info if you want. I told you I need a break from everything you guys are into. It’s just not me Doug.”
> 
> “You said you needed some things – are you ok for money?”
> 
> “I’m good.” TJ made sure to keep his voice cheerful but not overly, he really wanted to launch into the pain that the credit card in his pocket was supposed to make up for, being given to him out of guilt after keeping him on virtual lockdown for 9 weeks after his overdose, but he wouldn’t do that to Doug. It was his mother who’d given him the “peace offering”. “Tell momma I’ll call her within the week.”
> 
> “I guess I can work with that.”
> 
> “Douglas. I’m fine. I’m clean and I’m not lying. I can tell by your voice you’re doubtful. Just give me this??”
> 
> “OK TJ. Like I said before – if you need anything at all, let me know.”
> 
> “Of course I will. Hey, my food’s coming – I’m gonna let you go. I don’t want cold ravioli.”
> 
> Doug laughed on the other end, “All right. Have a good day looking at flowers.”
> 
> “Floral displays. Masterpieces even. Have a good day doing whatever it is you do to have fun. Love you Dougie.”
> 
> “Love you too TJ. Hence the phone calls.”
> 
> “Yeah right. Bye.”

TJ tucked his phone into his pocket as Kyle spread their food across the table, flirting mercilessly with both boys and with Janie as well. As he sauntered away Janie commented, “down boys, he’s just angling for a tip.”

“I’d like to give him a tip.” TJ smirked and Jack laughed.

Jack had been on the verge of saying the same thing when TJ just burst out with it. Jack couldn’t believe how easily the laugh came and was even more shocked at the thought that he was about to say the same out loud. He didn’t even mind Janie and TJ’s eyes on him as he chuckled and giggled at the whole thing.

TJ looked at Jack when he laughed, surprised that after his shut down just moments before he was not only laughing but face-red-laughing in merriment. His own smirk morphed into a great big grin before he was sharing the giggle-fest with Jack.

“Well.” Janie said, deadpan, “so much for not wanting cold ravioli.”

“It’s not as appetizing as hot sausage.” TJ snickered.

“You are an actual twelve-year-old.” Janie joined the giggles.

* * *

The flower show was nice enough, Jack thought, but it wasn’t long before the opulence started to feel overwhelming, reminding him of all of the events in which his mother would go overboard in order to solicit love from the people. He started feeling twitchy and uncomfortable. TJ and Janie seemed to be enjoying themselves so he tried really hard to suck it up. He took the requested photos of TJ and Janie when Janie decided “TJ you should take a picture and send it to your family, so they can see you’re actually _really_ at a flower show.”

“Yeah, great idea. I’ll just send it to Dougie though, he can pass it on. I don’t want to invite a phone call from my mother or my dad right now.” So they bounced from display to display, grinning and hamming it up in front of multiple floral sculptures of fantasy creatures. Yeah, the whole thing was very reminiscent of something he’d have had to preside over at home. His stomach threatened to reject his burger.

“TJ” he brushed his fingers on TJ’s shoulder after about the ninth photo break, “I’ve got to break free of all of this –” he gestured the area, “excess.” He cringed at the last word.

“Too much? Ok… hey, give me just a second?” Jack nodded and TJ could see the toll the space was taking on him, he’d felt that overwhelmed feeling so often, “Janie. Hey Janie…” he called to get the girl’s attention.

“Come on TJ!” she encouraged.

“Janie, come here for a second.” TJ watched as Jack started wandering toward the door, keeping it slow but only because TJ’d asked him to wait. “Hey Jack’s overwhelmed right now – can we head inside and then maybe try again after he’s gotten his bearings?”

“Oh – shit. Sure TJ.”

“I could go in with him and you can catch up if you want to keep looking.”

“No, no, I’m coming – he’s going to feel bad enough just pulling us away. I don’t want him to feel worse.” Janie knew how alienated a person could feel being the one interrupting things because you needed to put distance between yourself and what was giving you stress. Jack’s situation was only different in that it wasn’t substance abuse he was recovering from but trauma.

Jack turned to see the duo hurrying toward him. “Hey let’s get our shopping on!” Janie grinned, grabbing him by the arm and tugging him through the department store doors. On one hand Jack appreciated her enthusiasm and that it was directed away from what had troubled him, yet it also bothered him that he couldn’t see who she really was, or was this just ‘Janie’?

TJ caught up with the two, feeling a little sorry for Jack, he wasn’t exactly at the place in his life for so much “Janie” but she _was_ infectious and she would brighten Jack’s day even if she wore him out in the process. Jack tossed TJ a questioning look and TJ shrugged and echoed Jack’s thoughts when he said, “it’s just Janie.” Jack was reassured by that, which made him wonder what could have driven someone as naturally high as Janie to drugs in the first place.

Once inside, TJ sent Janie on a mission to find socks and tee shirts.

“Thank you.” Jack sighed.

TJ’s smile warmed Jack, “Sometimes Janie’s a lot to deal with. I understand. So – what happened out there?”

“It was just too opulent, too much like “palace life”. Jack clenched his fists and released them. “I can’t deal with that today.”

“I understand that too. You just speak up today, either one of us is game to drop everything at a moment’s notice. I mean it, Jack. We can quit whenever you need us to.”

“Thanks TJ. I’m not even sure about all of this. But I’m going to try. Shopping is one thing I can do.” He grinned. “Not that it was ever for necessities.”

“Retail therapy.” TJ agreed, a false frown on his face, followed by a wink.

They started with jeans, Jack grimacing at the extreme styles TJ kept showing him, opting for a basic look, something different from what he was accustomed to. Janie joined them as they refined their shopping pattern to TJ _only_ showing Jack stuff he _actually_ wanted. Janie had an armload of soft tees, V-necks and Henley shirts as well as a collection of socks. The selection was enough to make both boys look at her and laugh. “Janie, these are brighter than the flower show going on outside.” TJ complained.

“Shows what you know, stylish socks are _very_ hot.”

“I just want _warm_ feet, Janie.” Jack rolled his eyes at her, but pulled a few striped and patterned pairs from the pile.

“I saw a great selection of light weight jackets – I’m going to go get a closer look. Come find me when you’re finished in the dressing room.” Janie turned to TJ, “don’t start trouble in there.”

TJ gave her a fake shocked look, “Well I have _those_ ideas in my head now…”

Jack stepped into the dressing room, talking through the door at TJ, “I don’t like this part at all.”

“No? Do you need help in there Jack?” TJ said, Jack could almost hear the smirk coming through the door.

“I can manage dressing myself TJ. I’ve been doing that for some time now.”

“I was thinking of helping you _un_ dress.” TJ laughed then he knocked, “let me in, I found something else.”

“Likely story.” Jack chuckled as he opened the door.

“No, really.” TJ smirked stepping in, holding out a couple of button-up shirts.

Jack took the shirts from TJ and brushed a kiss across his lips, “I was hoping you were kidding.” Jack smirked with a wink.

TJ grasped Jack by the waist, “well, you are already half undressed.” He whispered, returning Jack’s kiss with more intensity.

Reluctantly, Jack put his hand on TJ’s chest and pushed him back. “Maybe that’s not the best idea ever, what if we get detained? _Again_.”

“Fine.” TJ smiled, sitting on the bench in the dressing room stall. He showed zero shame as he watched Jack start to put on a pair of skinny jeans that he’d snuck into the pile of more conservative jeans.

> “Did you _see_ him? That was the president’s son, you know _TJ_ Hammond? He stopped getting noticed for being gay so he got himself hooked on drugs. When that didn’t work he tried killing himself. _Twice_. TJ Hammond is absolutely the loser of the Hammond family.” They both heard the voice that could belong to a young girl. Twittering responses were lost to them as the unseen group got farther away.

Jack stopped; one leg in and one out of the jeans he was trying on, he lowered his raised leg and stood looking carefully at TJ who was frozen in his spot, tears pricking his eyes with such a devastated look on his face. “TJ.” Jack put both hands on TJ’s shoulders, “You know ugly people say horrible things.”

“Don’t.” TJ tried to shrug Jack’s hands free. He didn’t want Jack’s sympathy; he didn’t want to address this thing, this weakness.

“I’m sorry TJ but no. Look at me.” Jack wasn’t going to stop whatever this was he was feeling, even if it was unfamiliar and uncomfortable, he owed it to himself and to TJ to embrace what was happening inside of him right now. TJ turned his now swimming blue eyes to Jack’s reluctantly as Jack continued, “They **don’t** know you. You **aren’t** what they say you are.”

Jack moved one hand to TJ’s jaw tenderly but firmly gripping, “You’re a fighter and a _winner_! 18 months TJ. “The longest period of time in your adult life”. That’s _huge_ TJ. Fuck this – fuck them. Let’s leave. I don’t need any of this shit as much as you need to get away from here.”

Jack turned and started to pull the leg of the jeans he had been trying on down his calf before TJ rose and his arms went around Jack’s waist; Jack straightened and turned back around into TJ’s arms and held him, gripping TJ’s tee-shirt in his fists. “It’s ok to need someone.” Jack admitted to himself as much as TJ as he soothed TJ’s silent sobs, not saying anything further.

TJ held on to Jack, grasping the lifeline instead of running out and away. He hated the sobbing, wanted to make the jagged pain from the words that were spoken go away. He gripped Jack tightly, banishing those thoughts with fingers digging into Jack’s back muscles. He squeezed his eyes shut to the fluorescent light that felt intensely brighter as it danced in his vision through the tears in his eyes and more tears rolled over his face and down Jack’s back.

Jack’s hand moved up and down TJ’s spine with a soothing pressure, his own eyes welled with shared pain and with fresh hurt for his new friend. He knew. So well, the pain from the harsh words of others, but wagered the feeling had never been so intense for him. He’d seen the raw devastation cross TJ’s face before he crumbled and it made Jack fighting mad, but that wasn’t what TJ needed right now.

“TJ? Jack?” they heard Janie calling from outside the dressing room.

“Janie.” Jack called softly, “come here please, come in here.”

Janie peeked in about to say something lewd and stopped in her tracks, “what? Oh Christ TJ! What happened sweetheart?” she wrapped her arms around both boys.

“Someone said something ugly and hurtful. Something horribly untrue and judgmental.” Jack said softly, stroking TJ’s neck and fingering his hairline.

Janie’s cheerful, kind and bubbly demeanor was replaced by a fiery rage, “who and where are they?!”

“That doesn’t matter Janie. What matters is TJ.”

“Oooh.” She growled, “I know but –”

“But nothing Janie, it’s ok.” TJ finally spoke.

“No it is **not** okay.” Both Jack and Janie said into either ear as they hugged TJ tighter.

“But I won’t do anything. Just for you Teej.” Janie said, pulling away and kissing his tear-stained cheek.

TJ gave her a watery smile that he could almost feel. He loved Janie for her protective streak as much as her fun and silly daily persona. And he found that he loved Jack for his strength. Jack put his own struggles aside to comfort him and TJ recognized that, now that his sobbing was under control. If TJ had been in another place and time he’d hate himself for this weakness but Jack was right, quoting his own words from just yesterday. TJ did own those 18 months. Not only did he own them, he was very proud of them.

TJ straightened, slowly withdrawing from the two, wiping at his tear-soaked face. “You guys, you don’t even know.” The tears started again, but this time from a different emotion, “You don’t even know how important you are to me. How much this means.” He gestured the disarray of the dressing room - Jack standing there half-dressed, an arm still draped over Janie, them both looking at him with concern. TJ chanced a look at the mirrored wall, “look at what a fucking mess I am! But you two don’t even care.”

“We care TJ.” Jack started, misunderstanding TJ’s meaning.

“No –” TJ let out a small laugh, “I meant you don’t care that I look like shit because you’re too busy _actually caring._ You don’t give two fucks how this will look to anyone else because you care (maybe too much) about how it made _me_ _feel_.”

“TJ, nobody can care too much about you.” Janie said softly. “Problem is, not enough people seem to care _enough_.”

TJ hugged Janie, “Let’s get back to work.”

“TJ,” Jack started picking up his clothes, “let’s not.”

“What? Turn tail and run? Hide away back at the apartment and pretend nothing can touch me? No. We continue.”

“Nobody’s watching right now TJ. You don’t have to put on a front.” Janie put her arm around TJ’s waist, looking up at him with concern.

“No, you’re right and I’m not.” He looked her in the eye and gave her a little squeeze, “We can talk about this and about how it felt, how it feels, later. We can and will. I want to do what I was doing before someone said something cruel. It’s not the first time, but for the first time I want to make a positive choice in how to deal with it.”

When Jack just stood there with the clothes in his hands, TJ released his hold on Janie and moved to put his hand on Jack’s shoulder, “Jack.” He paused; about to do something that might make them both slightly uncomfortable; TJ because opening up was still new and Jack because he’d been through so much already in the past several days. “What you did. I know how easy it would have been to react differently. You pushed me when I resisted, that would have been the perfect time for you to say “oh well, I tried.” But you didn’t, you opened yourself up to me. I needed exactly that, thank you for being stronger than I was when you could have stayed in your comfort zone.”

“TJ.” Jack was practically speechless, he’d thought about doing exactly that, and even as they were happening he’d shoved the thoughts of self-preservation down. “After what we shared, the ways you’ve helped me, I couldn’t – I couldn’t leave you sitting there feeling raw. Not alone.”

“Ok, since we’re all in here and you’re half naked, Jack – and we haven’t been kicked out (yet) – how about trying on some of this stuff.” Janie decided to break the tension of the situation.

“Janie, couldn’t you have said half-dressed?” TJ asked, blushing and smiling.

“Would it really have made a difference TJ?”

“Hell yeah, some words are just sexier….” TJ smirked, grabbing for Jack’s ass as Jack tried to step into the jeans he’d been trying on before. Jack stumbled slightly and TJ had him by the waist before he could topple.

“I’m getting out of here.” Janie made a face. “You should _really_ come with me TJ. Like. Now.”

TJ resisted laughing at Janie, but only just. “I’m stayin’.”

“Suit yourself. Jack, feel free to kick him out if he starts anything.” Janie winked at the two as she exited, situating herself on a bench near the fitting rooms.

TJ sat back down as Jack resumed the tedious task of trying on clothes. As Jack pulled one of the Henley tees over his head he watched TJ sitting on the bench, TJ had his back erect, his hands on his knees and seemed to be staring past Jack. Jack walked over to him, put his hand on TJ’s chin and urged him gently to look at him.

“You’re fascinating TJ.” Jack said, before leaning down to kiss TJ briefly, just off the side of his lips, under the soft apple of his cheek. “I don’t know what I’m saying; I don’t know how to help. You have all the right words when I need them and now, when you need someone, I don’t know what to say to help, to encourage you. I see you smile sweetly and joke when that’s the last thing you’re feeling. How do I help you?”

TJ threw his arms around jack’s waist, pressing his face into Jack’s chest and gripping tightly. Jack stood, ruffling his fingers through the back of TJ’s hair, feeling self-conscious and not just a little bit unsure. “Don’t tell Janie I’m not ok.” It came out muffled but Jack was pretty sure that’s what he heard.

“You’re supposed to be honest with Janie of all people, TJ. She’s your sponsor, she’s your friend.”

“I know but she’d just drag me off to a meeting or something and I just want to be normal. Fucking “normal” for one damned day. I’m not going to duck out anywhere and try to make a score. I just want to do this. Shop, see stupid shit on a Saturday in New York. I want to spend time with you. Not holed up in a dark basement meeting.”

Jack’s hand slid from TJ’s hair to rest on the back of his neck. Jack splayed his fingers and contracted them, rubbing slowly, feeling the muscles in TJ’s neck give under them. “If there’s the slightest change in your thinking, you have to promise me,” Jack looked into TJ’s eyes, “promise me TJ, that you’ll do the right thing and talk to Janie. I saw you yesterday, getting closer and closer to telling the cab driver to deviate from the address you gave him. I watched you picking at the fibers of your pants until the threads wore thin. I won’t tell Janie a goddamned thing but if you so much as turn a corner out of my sight or hers I’ll spill. She’ll dog your every step and I will cheer her on.”

TJ watched the silver turn to steel in Jack’s eyes and he felt the slight pinch on his neck when Jack spoke the last sentences. He could see a ghost of the devil that Jack was running from in those eyes but he could also see that Jack was in control of that part of himself. It did things to TJ, causing his gut to flip and his cock to twitch. TJ pushed those problems aside, “I didn’t do it though, Jack. There are thousands of times that I’ve gotten close to doing what I shouldn’t, what I can’t. There are also thousands of times that I didn’t do it. And I promise. You’re stuck with me.”

Jack brought his hand around to TJ’s jaw, placed his other hand on the opposite side and held TJ tenderly, “I don’t know what to do about you.” Jack lamented, kneeling to be closer to TJ’s level. Jack pulled TJ’s face close, his mouth lingering just out of reach of TJ’s lips, breathing in TJ’s exhaled air. “The one place you should be right now is a meeting.” He said softly, sealing the deal he’d struck with TJ with a kiss. Jack ran his tongue over TJ’s lower lip, slowly applying pressure to nudge it between TJ’s pursed lips.

TJ allowed Jack’s tongue entry, meeting it with his own and returning Jack’s kisses, TJ threaded his fingers together behind Jack’s neck, holding him in place. Their mouths greedily taking from one another before TJ pressed his forehead to Jack’s, responding with a lazy drawl, “I don’t want to be anywhere but here.”

Jack’s heart lurched, this sudden and fierce feeling was unbidden and yet he craved it. Craved the words TJ would pepper him with occasionally, like now. “TJ,” Jack breathed.

“No.” TJ shook his head softly, rolling his forehead across Jack’s with the action.

“I was just going to say we need to get moving.” Jack brushed another kiss along TJ’s jawline. “So, are you ok? Can I continue? You weren’t even checking me out in the mirror. I didn’t know how to proceed.”

TJ laughed this time, “I’ll start checking you out now. Stand up, give us a turn.”

Janie watched as people walked past the area, eavesdropping on their conversations as they wandered past, wondering if each group could be the one that hurt TJ. She didn’t even know what they had said, and she thought she ought to commend Jack for his selflessness in not repeating whatever it was that had left her friend so raw.

She’d also been watching the fitting room entrance like a hawk, hoping TJ didn’t trick Jack and give them the slip. She’d just looked back to the entrance when the two of them filed out – arms loaded with clothes. TJ looked drawn, his eyes were still red from crying, but he had a good, healthy, real smile on his face as he said something that made the apples of Jack’s cheeks turn the palest shade of pink. She didn’t want to have to say something to TJ again but she worried that he was making a big mistake, and both of the boys would end up brokenhearted. She’d already been told to butt out, so she’d try to let this go and hope for the best.

“Did everything work out for you?” the mostly missing-in-action fitting room attendant asked as the duo stepped up to drop about a third of the stack they carried on the cart.

“Nope, but this stuff will be perfectly acceptable.” TJ responded casually as the attendant whisked the items up and walked off. TJ shrugged, “Not working on commission.”

“TJ.” Janie admonished with a smirk. “Hey Jack, take a look at these jackets.”

Janie thought Jack looked distracted as he tried a couple of the jackets on – running his fingers along the fabric of each of them as he selected the ones to try. TJ watched Jack with an appreciative eye, smoothing the shoulders of one of the jackets as Jack modeled it for them. He just wanted to forget those words but they kept dancing at the raw edges of his mind.

“TJ, honey, are you sure you’re ok?” Janie asked him, putting her hand on his knee when he sat down next to her.

“I’m fine, Janie.” TJ lied. Janie’s fingers tightened on his knee as she looked at him.

“TJ, what did they say?” Janie asked quietly.

“Not now Janie.” TJ said with finality.

“You’re running Teej.” Janie whispered softly, “You shouldn’t do that.”

“Fine.” TJ snapped, “Everything I do is for attention and I’m the loser of the Hammond family. You happy now Janie?” TJ stood to walk away but didn’t get three steps before Jack’s hand grasped his wrist. TJ knew if he’d wanted to get away from them that walking into Jack’s space wasn’t the right call, he recognized, even as he was angry and trying to get away, that he wanted to be stopped. The thought made him even angrier.

“Where were you going to go TJ?” Jack asked softly, unheard beyond the space they shared.

“Outside. Where _you_ don’t want to be, so at least one of you wouldn’t follow me.”

“If that’s true you should have gone the other direction. You know, the one _closest_ to the doors? Why are you lashing out at me? What did I do to you? I haven’t betrayed you TJ, when did I hurt you?” Jack’s voice got lower and angrier as he asked but his grip on TJ’s wrist remained light. He then softened his voice, “or are you angry with yourself, TJ, and taking it out on me?”

“Fuck you, Jack.” TJ said on a rush of breath before turning into Jack and holding him close.

Jack brought his free hand up to TJ’s head, curling his fingers in TJ’s hair softly. “TJ. You’re ok. Don’t fight the fear, it’s ok sweetheart.” The endearment shocked Jack but he found he liked saying it.

The word “sweetheart” warmed TJ, he wrapped his free hand around Jack’s waist and pulled him closer. “Say that again.” TJ whispered.

“It’s ok sweetheart.” Jack whispered back. “Are you sure you don’t want to go home?”

“I don’t. I just don’t want to be reminded. I don’t want to talk about what happened. It was just people saying shit and it bothered me. More than it should have and I’ve already made it a bigger deal than it should have been.”

Jack pulled back from TJ to look him in the eye, “TJ I am going to be honest with you. I don’t know what to say. I want to be the kind of person you deserve to have in your life, what would you tell me to do if we were having this exact conversation in reverse?”

“I’d try to find words that wouldn’t make you feel like you were being an idiot, even though I would be telling you’re being an idiot.” TJ’s frown leveled out and threatened to turn upward into a very small smile.

“Listen, your feelings are important and they were damaged today. Don’t lessen that TJ. Let’s get this stuff and get out of here.”

“You gonna wear new clothes and socks with no shoes? The ones you’ve got on must have been pretty fucking expensive but they’re pretty bad off after your trek through the wilderness.”

Jack stepped out of TJ’s embrace “Jesus TJ. More shopping?”

“Just shoes Jack. Then we’re done.” TJ looked at Janie, who was looking at him with worry in her eyes, “Tell him he needs shoes Janie.”

“Humor him Jack.” Janie tried to smile, she had watched the two together and she wasn’t sure she could keep quiet about her misgivings.

Jack moved toward the shoe department, Janie grabbed TJ’s arm gently and hugged his bicep in both hands. “TJ, you going to be ok?”

“I didn’t want you to see anything like that.”

“Why not? I’ve seen you in pretty bad places several times. Jack can’t be everything TJ, I’m still your friend and your sponsor.”

“Sometimes, Janie, you’re more sponsor than friend. I don’t mean that to hurt you. I didn’t want to break today up and I was afraid you’d insist on taking me to a meeting.”

“Do you need a meeting TJ?” TJ liked that Janie was being straightforward, giving him no guilt and not trying to influence his thinking. He thought about it as they followed Jack at a distance to the shoe department.

“What’s the right answer Janie? If I say no, we both know it’s probably wishful thinking at best or a lie at worst. If I say yes, then you sweep me off to a meeting and I have my Saturday blown up and Jack’s all alone.”

“For about an hour Teej.” Janie pulled TJ to a stop just before reaching the carpeted area of the shoe department, “And if Jack has a problem with you attending meetings then you need to distance yourself from him right now.”

“No Janie, it’s not like that.” TJ leapt to Jack’s defense. “He even suggested I should go. Even when he promised me he wouldn’t tell you that I wasn’t ok, he made it clear if I didn’t stay glued to you or him, he’d tell you in an instant.”

“Well I’m going to try to get over the fact that you now have decided to keep truths from me, it’s a slippery slope TJ. You have never kept something from me. Asking someone you care about to lie for you isn’t a good place to start any kind of relationship either.”

“I’m sorry Janie. I knew it was wrong. Jack told me it was too.”

“Do you see how it’s unhealthy?”

“Yeah,” TJ rubbed the back of his neck, looking over at Jack with the motion. Jack had caught his eye in that moment, beckoning TJ to join him but hesitant. “Janie, I just wanted to have a normal day. Not a spoiled rich-kid with popularity and a drug problem. A normal guy.”

“We don’t get to be normal TJ. But I understand and please remember Jack isn’t in our boat, but he’s not normal either, if you’re trying to make comparisons. Today will be “as normal as possible” day. If you need to, you owe it to Jack and me to let us know right away if you start slipping even the tiniest bit. I’m _not the bad guy_ TJ.”

“I know Janie, I never said you were. Just the reminder that I’m not ever going to be normal.”

“Honey, you never were!” Janie hugged TJ tighter. “Let’s help Jack and get out of here.”

“Right! Jack! What’d you find?” TJ pulled Janie along, gravitating toward Jack at the reminder.

Jack wasn’t discreet as he surveyed the pair, he gave Janie a questioning look and sighed at her shrug. “Shoes, TJ.” He smiled. TJ hated that his smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“Stop it Jack.” TJ chided. “No fake smiles. From either of you.”

“Ok then. So shoes – do these pass?” Jack wanted to shake TJ, he wanted to escape TJ, what he really wanted to do was to get lost in TJ.

TJ gave him the thumbs up of approval on style, “As long as they’re comfortable, they look amazing so I’d say go for it.”

TJ took care of the transaction while Jack hung back with Janie, “Janie, is this normal?” He asked distractedly watching TJ.

“Oh, that word again.” Janie cringed, “Is what normal Jack?”

“For addicts, or just for TJ – I don’t know – is the swinging mood thing normal? I can’t keep up. I thought I was a difficult personality.”

“He’s in pain. He’s scared because he’s doing something new with his life, and on top of it all he’s falling for you. Those are each powerful emotions by themselves and he’s having to figure them out at the same time. He’s used to dulling the feelings, especially the fear and the pain. He’s got to learn how to handle them and accept them without dulling them and we get to watch as he learns. I worry about him and I trusted him.”

“Trusted? Past tense?”

“Yeah, until just about a half-hour ago. He tried to shut me out. Don’t let him put you in that position again Jack, if he can’t take you standing up for his best interests in spite of how he feels about it, then he’s going to crash and burn and you’ll feel responsible when it happens. Jack, if you care about him, don’t be a crutch.”

“I care. Too much, too soon. It scares me." Jack looked Janie in the eye, "You know, I’m not exactly used to having feelings and handling them without something to dull them. Right about now I’d be finding someplace to redirect my feelings, or drown them.”

“Jack, I didn’t know.”

“Best kept secrets are the ones I can bury.”

“I’m still hoping to convince TJ to get to a meeting but so far he’s not on board. If I succeed, would you be interested in coming?”

“Are you saying I have another problem on top of all the rest?”

“I’m saying you might hear things that might make you feel ok about some of the problems you do have. I’m saying it might be the best way to get TJ into a meeting. Hear what you’d like.” Janie touched Jack’s arm, squeezing lightly, “I know you’re struggling with some of the same feelings, fear, adoration-maybe-love, displacement, maybe the tiniest amount of homesickness?”

“He said he didn’t want to spend the day in a basement.” Jack responded, thoughts swirling in his head.

“Lucky for TJ I know a group that feels the same way.” Janie put her arms around Jack, “I feel confident that I can get him there honestly and he will eventually agree, push that look of dread aside. We’re not ambushing TJ.”

TJ watched as the cashier processed each piece, approving each item all over again as he thought of how this shirt fit over Jack’s shoulders or how that pair of jeans hugged Jack’s ass. He knew that he was starting to obsess and he knew he should be addressing it but he didn’t want to. He wanted to think this could be something special and not just some kind of new thing for his brain to grab onto. TJ clenched his fist around the credit card, feeling it bite into his skin as he tried to rationalize his feelings. Why couldn’t this feeling for Jack be just the regular, special kind of feeling two adults had for each other, who said it had to be an obsession? Janie thought it was an obsession. Jack felt so good in his arms, he felt so right in Jack’s arms. How was that a bad thing?

TJ blinked back tears as the cashier repeated the total and the question of his preferred payment method. “Oh, I’m sorry.” He graced the girl with a soft smile as he presented her with his credit card and ID, “I’ve been so distracted today.”

“That’s all right, Mr. Hammond.” She said, reading his name off the card.

It took TJ a minute to comprehend that was where she’d gotten his name, feeling caught somehow by the idea of being recognized again today. When he did realize it, he let out a relaxed breath just as she handed him is card and a receipt to sign. TJ thanked the girl for her help and for facilitating the delivery of the packages to the apartment. He was greeted with an eager and adorable smile that he might not have minded kissing off of her face if he was just a little high or just a little less tightly wound up in his feelings for Jack.

Turning to his very serious-faced companions with empty hands, he held his arms out to them both. “No more serious business.” He commanded as he wrapped his outspread arms around his little world.

Out on the street, Janie decided to just to for it. “TJ. Would you reconsider a meeting if we hit one up that’s outside at the park?”

“Janie.” TJ’s shoulders fell, “is this the only way to get through today? Do I have to agree just so you’ll stop?”

“Yes. No, of course not TJ, but” she took TJ’s sleeve in hand as he started to turn away, “but hear me out.”

“Fine.”

“Answer this one question. Why are you resisting? You and I, we’ve done meetings before. You’ve gone on your own at my slightest suggestion. Why resist now?”

TJ’s eyes flicked to Jack and Jack stood with his hands on his hips, “Don’t make me the reason TJ. I never asked you to blow off a meeting. I even agreed you should go to one. In fact, I’d be willing to go with you, for myself. Janie suggested it could help me.”

“You’re letting Janie bully you into pushing me to a meeting.” TJ frowned.

“TJ. Can I tell you something about me?” Jack asked with a slightly nervous look. Janie walked ahead as they fell back, “I’m a master of hiding my feelings. Even from myself. I could bury them in some strange or even not-so-strange but still no-good-for-me woman ( _must keep up appearances, after all_ ) or I could drown them in whiskey and in drugs… often all of the above. I never thought I had a problem but I can see where maybe I did. Maybe I could learn something from attending a meeting. I could get you to attend one and maybe, just maybe, we could come away from it a little more appreciative of things.”

“This isn’t a setup?” TJ had watched Jack, looking for the hook, but he really couldn’t see a con, he believed Jack. He felt even closer to him with the admission.

“No TJ. I was promised we wouldn’t ambush you. I wouldn’t do that. Honestly? I have been unable to figure out your mood swings, they are a lot to process. I asked Janie because she knows you, and because she’s an addict too, if you were in a bad place. As she answered me I thought of my own emotions, the way I handled them, more appropriately didn’t handle them.”

“A sympathetic companion.” TJ mused. “Not really an addict, but, understanding.”

“Selfish. I want to embrace my new life and I don’t want to dull any of it, even if it hurts. If that means I learn more about myself and the level of my compulsion then isn’t it best for all of us?”

“You win. Tell that scheming shrew she wins too.” TJ tossed out loud enough that not only Janie (turning and grinning at him while flipping him the bird for his nasty comment) but several passersby (not smiling for his nasty comment or her gesture) heard him as he and Jack followed her up the street.

“Jack,” TJ continued so only Jack could hear, “Maybe I don’t want to go to the meeting because I’m afraid someone will tell me I have to let go of how I feel about you. It’s my own impulse; it might not be good, I’m afraid it’s not good.”

“Me too, TJ.” Jack laced his fingers with TJ’s, “I’m afraid of that too. Anything that feels this possible, this positive, this soon has to be wrong. But I really don’t want to think about it like that.”

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

The pair followed Janie to Central Park, showing up at a meeting-in-progress. The sky had cleared and the only hint of rain was the damp grass and even that was masked by some do-gooder of an organizer who had brought weather appropriate lawn blankets. TJ was disappointed; he’d hoped that he could make the excuse that the lawn was wet when he saw where the group was situated. He even breathed a sigh of relief when Jack hung back by a tree, TJ leaned up against the tree, but was no sooner comfortable when Jack sighed and stepped toward a waving, serious-faced Janie. TJ rolled his eyes and followed

Jack had hoped to keep a distance and listen; he’d expected TJ to sit with Janie since the meeting was really for TJ after all. It didn’t go that way, TJ had hung back with him and Jack found he liked the quiet companionship but Janie’s insistent _glare_ had forced him to move forward. He didn’t look back to see if TJ was following because Janie’s serious eyebrow action had settled down to a satisfied arch with a smirk to match. Otherwise he’d have been forced to bargain with TJ.

TJ reluctantly folded himself up on the opposite edge of the blanket from Janie, he knew it was a childish display of displeasure but it wasn’t hurting anyone. Jack admired TJ’s lithe movements, his long legs folded up to his chest almost in a single motion as he’d seated himself. TJ wrapped his arms around his legs in a protective, defensive move. Ignoring the standoffish posture, Jack settled on the blanket right next to him, scooting his ass up to sit back to back with TJ, one knee raised and the other spread out. With TJ so strategically positioned on the edge of the blanket that Jack’s ass wound up half on, half off of the blanket. Jack dismissed the cool damp grass chilling his rear, choosing solidarity and solace over comfort.

TJ was shocked that his defiant move was at all thwarted but secretly enjoyed the unity that he felt with Jack’s back against his. He leaned back slightly, a thank you and an unspoken agreement with the arrangement. Jack’s fingers covered TJ’s when TJ unwound one arm from around his folded up knees and leaned on his hand.

TJ took a lazy, long breath and closed his eyes to the negative thoughts. This wasn’t wrong. He refused to acknowledge the possibility that it was wrong. Jack relaxed into TJ’s lean, smiling softly at the slow deep breath that relaxed him as he felt it roll through his body from TJ’s. He took a long deliberate breath in return and soon, they were breathing in tandem, the roll of muscles against one another soothing them both.

Jack half-listened to people tell of their struggles, the reasons behind them and felt enlightened when Janie spoke.

> “It took a long time for me to speak up at meetings because I not only didn’t think I had a problem, I didn’t have a dramatic catalyst that made me start using or get hooked. I was just a kid who had done things with friends, for fun. I wanted to get through the week so we could go get drunk, I wanted to get through the day so I could go get high. It was a “social experience” and I didn’t feel like I deserved to speak up in front of all these people who had terrible pasts, or had indifferent or difficult or inept parents or had some drastic thing that put them where they were.
> 
> “I wasn’t forced into a meeting. I was asked because a friend was really bad off and he really wanted to quit, really wanted to live. I was asked to be there for him. I figured I could go for him but I didn’t want to quit because I didn’t have anything _to_ quit. But my friend had all of the problems that I didn’t have, or should I say, I had all of the good fortune that he didn’t have. His story was his, I won’t share it here. But I did go with him on that impossible first day. For many days after, I listened to everyone sharing their “tragic” –”Janie used air-quotes “stories and heard about their difficulty with letting go of their substance of choice.
> 
> “For the first few meetings I was either high or coming down because I wasn’t respecting my friend (Billy) or the people who were at the meetings. When he called me on it, I promised I wouldn’t use on meeting days, forgetting that we were going to daily meetings. I kept my promise and that’s when I started to really come down, that’s when I realized I might have a problem. I wasn’t open to it yet though. I definitely wasn’t going to tell anyone. I felt like shit why should I talk to these strangers about my so-called problem when I didn’t feel physically able to do more than sit there and I still didn’t see where my story would matter to these people, it was so vanilla.
> 
> “Billy lost his battle, he intentionally OD’ed, it wasn’t even an accident. When that happened, I was faced with my first real choice as a sober almost-adult. I could bury my pain over the loss of a beautiful soul and I could follow him into the pit – never to return or I could reach out. I called the person I had hated most, Billy’s sponsor. I only hated him because he’d “dragged” –” air quotes again “Billy to that meeting and was so damned cheerful and positive when he told me he would always be happy to be my sponsor. Of course I told him “when hell freezes over.” Sooo –” Janie sighed, a wistful smile on her face, “when I called him after Billy’s service, he asked me, “Do you need a jacket? I heard that hell froze over.” I’ve loved him ever since and I’ve tried to be like him.” She briefly glanced at TJ who had heard the story before and then at Jack who was impressed by her even more now.

TJ gave Janie a small, supportive smile but wasn’t about to speak, he closed his eyes and leaned a little stronger against Jack, tipping his head back so that it rested at the base of Jack’s neck. He moved his fingers a little and Jack laced his with them. TJ opened his eyes out of respect as the next person spoke and they listened like this through the entire meeting.

 Of course Janie was a little disappointed that TJ didn’t share but she hadn’t really expected him to and she was really just thankful for him being there at all. TJ on his own in public was still a new thing since his recovery and his overprotective family, and the depressing months following his mother around on the tail end of her campaign. Janie had finally championed and cautioned his move because she knew he needed it but she was aware that he would be in relatively unfamiliar surroundings.

TJ had opted to decline secret service protection, after practically begging his mother. It had been a hard won battle for TJ trying to weigh convincing the then presidential candidate that he needed to step back from their political world and not calling her out for trust issues. Obviously it was hard to trust TJ as an addict but the fact that his mother conceded eventually had been a sign of a willingness to try.

TJ had done so well with his sobriety in the comfort and familiarity of his mother’s home and he had spent two weeks on his own, answering to no one (with the occasional panic call or text to Janie), but that was still in the comfort of “home” at the Hammond farm. Then the pressures of the campaign and new responsibilities in office and Elaine had put familiar pressure on TJ to portray a certain kind of image, when he was already doing exactly that.

Janie had fielded so many crying, ranting, carrying-on phone calls before TJ’s ultimate showdown standing up to his mother and then taking the steps to move. Janie had been the person who had planted the seed of TJ needing a new horizon and she was very proud that all she did was offer the solution of TJ becoming her roommate (temporary had always been TJ’s stipulation) and TJ had embraced the opportunity and fleshed out the plans on his own.

A move to a new city, exposure to the good and the bad the big apple had to offer was going to be a new challenge for her friend. She was grateful that he had her and Jack with him the first time he had to feel the sting of someone’s unfortunate comments. Janie knew she couldn’t be with TJ all the time and he really didn’t need that. After all, being able to function as an individual was part of the reason for his move. Janie was just glad TJ hadn’t been alone that first time.

Now she had Jack, in one night and one morning, she’d felt the pull of him. It was no wonder TJ had fallen for him. He was another beautiful, bruised soul. She smiled as she saw the two of them, recognizing that Jack sitting in a relaxed state, so closely, so intimately with another man in the open must have been a bit frightening and a lot freeing for him. She was not going to mess this up. She’d just have to hang around to pick up the pieces for both of them if it turned bad. She could handle that, right? Maybe it wouldn’t turn. They were stunning together, she had to admit.

Jack felt not just a little high sitting with TJ out in the open in such an intimate way, but he also felt a kinship with the people who spoke. Even though their stories were vastly different from his, and from one another’s, he found threads in each that tied him to the stories. He felt a little overwhelmed by the sensation of so many emotions. When his fingers occasionally twitched lightly in between TJ’s, TJ would squeeze them and Jack would feel reassured. He couldn’t imagine how this was wrong?

As the meeting wound down, TJ was the first up. Jack felt his hand slip from beneath his and the cool air on his back as he watched TJ bounce up from his folded position. He was just as graceful as when Jack had watched him before. TJ spun around and offered Jack a hand up. Jack took it and bounded to his feet, brushing at his wet pant-leg and smirking at TJ’s laughter at his expense. “What? You were so close to the edge.” Jack pulled TJ’s arm tugging him closer. “I wanted to be near you, you could have moved a little.” Jack said, kissing TJ on the mouth. TJ pulled Jack closer still by the neck and returned the kiss.

They turned to see Janie smiling stupidly at them. “What?” TJ rolled his eyes, “It’s not like you haven’t seen this already today.”

Jack grinned before pulling TJ closer and nipping his bottom lip, tracing the full pinkness with his tongue and kissing him lazily. TJ’s tongue traced the tips of Jack’s teeth on one pass before engaging Jack’s tongue. The fingers of Jack’s left hand splayed across the slender small of TJ’s back while the right hand held fast to the hair at the back of TJ’s head. TJ’s right hand gently cupped Jack’s jaw and his left gripped the waistband of Jack’s jeans, mostly to tease Janie, and sort of to please himself as his fingers ever so slightly dipped between fabric and skin. TJ stepped closer to Jack to conceal his not so innocent exploration.

Jack nipped TJ’s top lip in shock as he felt skin on the sensitive skin of his lower abdomen and the bare traces of TJ’s fingertips so-very-close to his cock. His hand on TJ’s back pressed TJ closer, trapping his hand inside Jack’s waistband as Jack deepened the kiss, pressing against TJ’s body spurred by the adrenaline rush of being seen coupled with the lack of any real concern over it.

They both felt Janie’s hands on their shoulders before they registered the chuckle and “TJ, Jack.” TJ slipped his fingers along Jack’s waistband sweeping across his Adonis belt and up along Jack’s side, kissing him just that much longer before reluctantly pulling away.

“Janie.” TJ mimicked her nervous tone. He wrapped his arm around her, “what’s up?”

“I was just about to ask you. What do you want to do? Go back to the apartment?”

Jack wasn’t sure if Janie was making a joke, suggestion or genuinely curious. He felt his cheeks flood. TJ felt Jack’s posture change and he pulled him close with the hand that had been at Jack’s waist. “We should grab an ice cream, head back to get changed then hit a show tonight.” TJ decided. “I can call and get tickets.”

“Shit yeah, Hammond special treatment.” Janie winked.

“Yeah, I’m not that proud.” TJ grinned. “How does that sound, Jack? Nothing to opulent, just some good fun? Yeah?”

“Nothing but fun. I have your word?” Jack wanted to see something – had spent nights dreaming of getting out and going to a party or seeing a show, something not sanctioned by his mother or his father. “Thanks for asking TJ. What I wanted? I appreciate it.”

“I promise. After the day we’ve had? Nothing deep or meaningful. And you’re welcome. You deserve it.” TJ brushed Jack’s jaw with a kiss, “Ice cream? I saw a place on the way over.”

“Ice cream.” Jack smiled, he’d probably give TJ anything but had to admit ice cream sounded kind of good to him too.

Janie tugged on TJ’s jacket sleeve, he followed her a few feet from Jack with a bit of reluctance, “I’m going to head back to the apartment, I can get a shower and do my hair while you two spend some time together. Remember you’re in public TJ.” She smirked. “You already know I think you two are rushing things but I also think you two could be kind of amazing together so I won’t say anything more.”

TJ wrapped Janie in a big hug and kissed her neck, “You’re amazing Janie. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome TJ.” She pulled away, rolling her eyes dramatically. “Jack!”

Jack had been people-watching and walked over when he heard Janie call.

“Hey,” Janie wrapped her arms around Jack’s arm, “I’m heading back to the apartment. I thought you two could go alone. Unless you want to come back with me.”

Jack smiled at the top of her head before laying a soft kiss on her forehead, “Thanks Janie. I think I’ll stick with TJ – ice cream sounds perfect.”

“Yeah, I figured. Remember to keep it G rated. PG at the very least.” Janie smiled and winked. “And Jack… don’t let him forget me.”

“As if I could.” TJ smirked. They watched Janie leave and then turned back the way they’d come. “So, we’re to be trusted in the city alone. Are you my chaperone or my accomplice?”

“TJ, do you need a chaperone?” Jack asked honestly.

“No. Thank you for asking. I’m tired of chaperones. I’m tired of checking in with every fucking person I know. I’m ok with checking in with Janie, that’s our agreement. One that we made together and I’ll happily check in with you if you want the burden.”

“I don’t think it’s a burden. You’re the only person I’ve got to check in with so it’s not only the least I can do, I want to.” Jack linked hands with TJ.

“So, checking in wise – how does it feel to be walking a city street holding a man’s hand? Being kissed in the park in the middle of the day?”

“Well, I’m kind of anonymous right now, maybe a little bit of a mystery considering who I’m with but – I like it. It’s probably good to start small, healthy to be anonymous for a minute.” Jack answered with a small smile.

TJ assessed Jack’s smile and returned it affectionately.

They stepped into the ice cream shop, one of those marble slab places and they each picked something really sugary and childlike, blue with candies and sprinkles and chocolate with peanut butter and more chocolate. TJ asked Jack if the seat by the window was ok, not getting too many opportunities to sit near a window, lest he be recognized and, god forbid, shot.

“I’ve already been seen in public with you.” Jack teased.

“I’ll stop being considerate then,” TJ retorted as they sat side by side.

“By all means.” Jack raised an eyebrow in challenge, “I daresay it’s bred into you to be considerate, just like it was into me. Not that I didn’t go against all that I was bred for – some things many times.”

“If you could have your name cleared would you go back?” TJ was genuinely curious, even though the solution he’d come up with would probably have Jack exiled for life.

“I don’t think so. I did so much to be recognized, to be adored because I didn’t know how it felt to be loved until I lost that. I didn’t do it out of any love for my country – my father’s country.” Jack watched TJ lick blue ice cream off of his spoon, it was seductive even though all TJ was doing was eating and listening. “I feel more love from Janie and from you than I did everyone I ever knew – Joseph aside. Why would I leave that – it’s what I had craved all along.”

“Because even though it’s love, it’s not your father’s love.”

“TJ it’s way too late for that.” Jack stuck his spoon into TJ’s blue ice cream bowl and took a taste, “I’m working on coming to terms with it. Jesus TJ, that’s just sugar with a side of sugar.”

“You forgot the food coloring. It’s not that bad.” TJ smiled, swiping a spoonful of Jack’s chocolate and peanut butter concoction. “This _is_ better. Maybe I’ll just help you eat yours.”

“What about you, TJ? Is this a move or an extended vacation?” Jack’s earnest expression wasn’t lost on TJ, so the frustration he may have felt at the question was tempered by the fact that TJ had initiated the open conversation, difficult subjects could arise on both sides.

“It’s permanent as far as I’m concerned. I have to not only sell my songs but come up with more or I’ll be serving up ice cream to keep myself out of that circus.” TJ gestured toward the girl behind the counter.

“I don’t think you’ll have trouble selling those songs. Do you have a plan for that?”

“Oh, I not only have a plan, I already have several appointments this week to shop them to recording artists and theater execs.” TJ lit up, pride shining from the blue-gray in his eyes, past the adorable smile crinkles and radiated across his beaming smile. Jack smiled softly and dipped his thumb in the dimple in TJ’s chin before kissing the chocolate tinted lips that had bloomed from a smile to a perfect pout. TJ tasted chocolate on Jacks lips as he returned the kiss and thought of some decadent things he’d love to try, maybe one night when Janie was out. “I haven’t told you what plan I’ve cooked up for you. To help you. You might want to kiss me some more before you never want to again.”

Jack kissed TJ again because he could, not because he was afraid of anything TJ had in mind. “Just tell me. It can’t be any worse than no plan at all.” Jack said, brushing his fingers along TJ’s jaw and down his neck past the zipper on TJ’s hoodie before returning to his ice cream.

“Political asylum.” TJ turned in the booth, one leg up on the seat brushing Jack’s thigh, to face Jack, “My mother would be the best option but, oddly enough, I’m on better terms with my dad right now so I was going to ask him about it. Starting something like that might make it so that your government, your father, would ensure that you could never go back – which is why I’d asked if you’d want to.”

“It would make me legal and keep me safe. I like that idea. I could stay here near you. I _really_ like that idea. Then I’d need to find honest work. What can I do? I suppose the army isn’t the best idea.” Jack grinned when TJ blanched. “I’m kidding TJ. I don’t need to go chasing any more wars. Maybe I can _honestly_ venture into news media or something. I’ve got a few talents, some hidden, and some not so hidden. I could always join you scooping ice cream.”

They both laughed as TJ pushed his blue dessert aside and helped Jack finish his. “I don’t think either of us will have to go that far. But it’s a good idea to keep our options open.”

Before they were done with the ice-cream TJ’s phone chimed, “Janie.” He said as he picked it up.

                Janie: “TJ don’t forget to call about tickets or we’ll be out in the cold.”

                TJ: “Shit. Thanks.”

                Janie: “Haha, I knew it.”

                TJ: “Aw be quiet. ;)”

“Gotta call about tickets. Hang on a sec, ok?”

“Sure.” Jack linked his fingers with TJ’s as TJ set his hand on Jack’s thigh. He only half listened to TJ’s phone call, listening to the musical quality of his voice more than the words he was saying. ‘I really do have a problem.’ Jack couldn’t quiet the voice in his head, ‘I’m falling so hard, so fast for him. This can’t work. It has to be a mistake. I don’t deserve this.’

TJ hung up the phone, “We’re all set, decent seats, comedy on Broadway, wait, Jack what’s wrong?” TJ asked as he reached up to wipe a stray tear from the apple of Jack’s cheek.

“This is.” Jack said, biting back a sob. “You – the way you make me feel. It’s all wrong.”

“No. Sorry, I don’t buy that. Start over. What did I say to make you feel like what we have is wrong?”

“No, it’s not… it’s wrong for me. I don’t deserve this.” Jack tried to sound normal, the sound of sobs sticking in his throat.

“You do. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. Don’t let negative words in, Jack. They come from outside often enough, don’t let them in from your own doubts or fears.” TJ’s hand tightened on Jack’s, “I know I’m not the easiest person to be with, today might have been a hint. But dammit, I feel pretty good when I’m with you. A sort of mixture of excitement and a lazy, contented kitten feeling.”

Jack felt his face flush and a smile threatened to emerge, “TJ. Don’t – I didn’t mean it was you. I feel good when I’m with you too, and –” Jack sighed, “Hey, we should do the contented kitten thing tomorrow, you know, just stay in bed all day and be lazy?”

TJ’s face lit up, Jack wanted to memorize it, more animated than just a bit ago when he had been so pleased. TJ’s eyes looked like they twinkled, it must have been a trick of the light, but they widened and then half-closed when he scrunched up his nose and grinned. “Jack! Let’s do it. I’ll warn Janie tonight so she can ignore us all day.” Jack’s face fell into a slight frown as TJ’s did, “Jack, you’re not just changing the subject here, are you?”

“No TJ. I was just having a moment of panic. Fear that things were getting too good too fast. I’m perfectly willing to take your advice and not let the negative things in. Be there for me in case it happens again?”

“Promise me you’ll communicate with me so I’m not left looking at an empty bedroom closet or staring at a note and wondering. Make that promise and I’ll be there for you through anything. We should head back!” TJ added looking at the time on his phone.

“I promise. Let’s go – do you remember if we got anything appropriate for tonight?”

“Hell yes we did.” TJ thought about the black skinny jeans he’d tossed in the pile and the button-up he’d picked out, the jacket that had fit Jack’s shoulders so nicely and really either of the pairs of shoes he’d gotten that weren’t sneakers. “Yeah, you’re covered.” TJ sighed appreciatively as he scooted out of the booth. Jack followed, gathering up TJ’s soupy blue bowl and his empty one for the trash.

The walk back to Janie’s was pleasant, the sky was clear and the sun was dipping behind the buildings casting shadows that made the air on their side of the street cooler. TJ zipped his hoodie, huddled closer to Jack and put his arm beneath Jack’s jacket across his back. Jack grinned, wondering if TJ was cold or if there was some other reason he was seeking warmth. He slung his arm across TJ’s waist, thinking it didn’t really matter why.

When they walked into the apartment, joking around with one another, Janie greeted them from the sofa. “You two made good time after all, I’m impressed.”

“Save your impressions for after we’re dressed for the theater. By the way, did the stuff from the store arrive?”

“It’s in your room. Jack, are you ready to be dressed by TJ?” Janie wiggled her eyebrows and smirked, “between the two of you, remember we have a show time to meet.”

“Funny, you.” TJ rolled his eyes and pulled Jack into the bedroom by the hand.

The door closed as punctuation, putting distance between them and Janie. TJ grasped Jack’s shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. Slowly, he slid the jacket down over Jack’s shoulders and pushed it off of his arms, letting it fall to the floor. Jack stood, accepting the attentions, kissing back, his mind not exactly catching up to TJ as he continued, moving his hands back up Jack’s abdomen and chest beneath the shirt as he pushed it up. TJ nipped at Jack’s jaw before pulling away to shove the shirt up and over Jack’s head. “TJ.” Jack moaned, “I can undress.” Jack kissed him, pulling TJ’s lip between his teeth. “m’self.” He slurred into the kiss before licking the edges of TJ’s teeth and lapping at TJ’s tongue.

“Hush-Jack-I’m-doing-this.” TJ said urgently as he pulled at the tongue of Jack’s belt while thrusting his own tongue deeper into Jack’s mouth. He tugged the button loose and slid the zipper down. Jack arched toward TJ, the jeans slipping down over his hips and ass with the movement.

Jack’s mind caught up and accelerated, tugging at the buttons on TJ’s shirt and letting out a rumbling chuckle into TJ’s mouth as he heard three or four buttons skittering across the floor. “’M not s’rry.” The words blended as their mouths continued the dance.

Jack pushed the shirt down over TJ’s shoulders and walked him back toward the bed at the same time, barely refraining from stumbling as his pants slid lower. Jack stopped long enough to step out of them, one leg at a time then pushed TJ over onto the bed and wrenched TJ’s jeans and underwear down and off of him in essentially one move.

TJ watched Jack take control, nearly feral in his intent and his eyes widened at the rush. TJ had every intention of taking control and when Jack seemed almost too compliant TJ had hesitated. Now he was lying prone the wrong way on the bed, looking up as Jack walked around to the foot of the bed and crawled over, stopping to plant kisses on TJ’s forehead, nose and then his lips. Jack followed the line down TJ’s chest with kisses as he continued to crawl over TJ. Soon enough, Jack’s arousal, still practically hidden behind borrowed black boxer-briefs appeared above his head. Jack kissed along TJ’s Adonis belt before licking a stripe along TJ’s very strained cock. TJ lifted his head from the bed, laying kisses along the outline of bulging cotton. He felt the quiver on his lips and reached up to slide the underwear down over Jack's rear and down over the front of him, catching Jack’s cock between his lips as it sprung free of the elastic waistband.

Jack felt TJ’s hands clasping his thighs as he took Jack into his mouth. He felt TJ’s cock stiffen as he licked along and around the tip. Jack resisted rutting into TJ’s mouth right away, wanting to let TJ take him at TJ’s speed. Instead, Jack lowered from all fours to resting on his elbows, one arm reaching over TJ’s slim hip to handle and manipulate TJ’s sack and took TJ’s entire length into his mouth and throat. TJ sucked in air around Jack’s cock and pulled more of his length in with the gasp. Jack would have chuckled if his own mouth hadn’t been full – feeling quite impressed at TJ’s ability to not gag at the surprising reaction.

TJ thrust his hips as Jack skillfully tormented and worshipped his balls. The result was meeting the back of Jack’s throat and feeling the vibrations of a chuckle as Jack sucked and licked him by turns. TJ’s cries came out as moans that matched the pulsating member in his own mouth. He wanted to teach Jack a thing or two about manhandling but couldn’t let go of the man’s thighs, he gripped them firmly, pressing Jack’s hips to his face. TJ Tapped Jack’s ass a moment before he was coming in Jack’s mouth and Jack rutted, fucking TJ’s face with erratic thrusts as his own release came moments later. Jack couldn’t pull out; TJ had him in such a grip, so he pushed himself up on extended arms, slowly pulling away from TJ before releasing the very tip almost reluctantly. He stroked TJ’s length lazily as he rocked his hips against TJ’s face. “God TJ. Are you trying to… Fuck you’re beautiful, you know that?” One hand continued to caress TJ’s cock as the other traced the lines of TJ’s hip bones and muscle groups.

TJ relaxed his grip on Jack’s thighs, softly running his hands down the length of his thighs and back up to Jack’s rear and along his waist. He unhurriedly released Jack bit by bit before licking along the head of Jack’s cock. Jack sat back on his heels, bending over to meet TJ’s lips. He tasted himself and TJ mingling as he licked at the corner of TJ’s mouth and kissed him lovingly. Jack’s fingers laced through TJ’s hair as he looked at him. He kissed TJ’s chin.

“You’re beautiful even upside down.” TJ smirked, reaching for Jack’s neck to pull him closer for another kiss. His fingers wandered lazily through Jack’s hair.

“You’re ridiculous.” Jack smiled softly at TJ. “We should work on getting ready. Janie would be so disappointed.”

“More of this later.” TJ patted Jack’s knees by his ears. “You can do that any goddamned time you want to Jack.”

“I was thinking maybe we could try other things later.” Jack leaned forward to plant another kiss on TJ before TJ sat up.

“Oh count on it.” TJ growled with a feral leer before pushing off the bed and pulling things out of the shopping bags.

Once he’d found everything he was looking for he laid them out for Jack and went to the closet for his own things. Pulling similar items out of the suitcase he declared, “At some point I really need to unpack.”

“I keep getting in the way. I’ll help to make it up to you.”

TJ turned to dispel the notion that Jack was in the way at all when he came up against Jack’s solid body. TJ put his arms around Jack and kissed the spot between his shoulder and neck. “You’re teasing.” He smiled into the soft spot there. Jack melted into the embrace and his arms encircled TJ’s waist, holding him close.

“Not about helping and I’m not apologizing for how I’ve gotten in the way. I’m proud of it, actually.” Jack loved the feeling of TJ snuggling into him. “I kind of wish we were going out dancing. I’ll bet you’re an amazing dancer.” Jack moved his hips against TJ’s hips seductively.

“Yeah, probably a good thing actually.” TJ’s eyes met Jack’s. “Once again, we should – Janie…”

Jack’s grin widened, he liked the flustered look on TJ’s face. “Yeah. Janie.”

“Tomorrow is definitely a lazy day.” TJ proclaimed.

Janie looked up as the two came out of the bedroom looking amazingly smart and stylish. “Look at you two! Damn but I’m a lucky gal tonight.”

“Oh we could make you a really lucky gal if you’re feeling adventurous later.” TJ smirked then laughed at not only the high color on Janie’s face but the flood of color on Jack’s. “I see I’m not the only one who had the thought.”

“Ooh Thomas James Hammond, you are impossible.” Janie tried to be furious but couldn’t stop the smile. Yes they were attractive, damn but they were both amazingly attractive. Janie knew about TJ’s occasional dalliance with the opposite sex, hadn’t suggested to him yet that he might be bisexual because she honestly didn’t want him thinking she was angling because – well she wasn’t. She would tell him ‘no’. Wouldn’t she?

Jack had heard Janie say 'lucky' and had immediately had dirty thoughts so when TJ expressed his thoughts (only in a much cleaner way) he couldn’t help the blush. Janie was beautiful. This could only be the worst idea ever and Jack knew about bad ideas. “TJ you _are_ such a tease.”

TJ laughed at their reactions as he held out Jack’s new coat for him then did the same for Janie, kissing her temple. “I might be teasing.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this. went. long.

Sunday was exactly what they’d planned and not exactly what they had planned. TJ had told Janie he was not leaving the apartment and that he and Jack were going to be lazy and just do whatever came to mind. She’d grinned and told him she would find somewhere to be – she had some friends that wanted to catch up with her anyway and they could have the whole apartment.

> “Janie, we’re not kicking you out of your place – just don’t expect us to be up for any outings.”
> 
> “No, TJ. I didn’t think you were. You had a rough day today and Jack hasn’t had a chance to catch his breath so I think it would be wonderful to leave you two alone for the day. I honestly do have a couple of friends who have been trying to get me to come out with them.”
> 
> “And you had told them ‘no’ because of me.” TJ’s realization hit him. “Timing is a funny thing, isn’t it?”
> 
> “It was only because of you _this weekend,_ not any of the many previous ones. I think your timing is actually going to make their wishes come true.”

By the time Jack woke up, the bed was empty and TJ’s spot was cool. He heard noises in the living room and moved groggily across the bed and rolled to a seated position. He rolled his shoulders and stretched his back, smiling at the slight twinge in his ass as his muscles reacted from having TJ so deeply inside of him. Jack’s smug chuckle was lost to anyone but himself. He glanced at the wash cloth on the floor between the bed and the floor remembering TJ’s gentle after-care.

Jack knew Janie was supposed to be gone so he didn’t even think twice about walking through the hallway completely naked. He wandered into the bathroom to take care of a morning piss and brush his teeth. The mirror showed him his shaggy bed-head and hickeys across his shoulders, neck and near one nipple. He remembered each one fondly; TJ had been such an attentive lover. He’d been physically demanding and he’d been sweet and caring. Jack took notes because he knew whatever he was receiving TJ would ultimately crave.

Jack finished up in the bathroom, giving his hickeys a last once-over before remembering the best one and glanced down at the juncture between his thigh and his penis, the bruise was bright and the largest of all of them. He wanted to see the one on the back of his hip but couldn’t angle properly and the mirror was set too high. Running a hand over the one at his crotch, Jack touched his balls and fondled them, leaning his head back, still looking at his face in the mirror. He took his shaft in hand and started slowly caressing and tugging. He squirted a dash of lotion from the decorative pump on the sink and switched hands, returning the one hand to his sack and resumed his stroking and gentle pulling. Jack didn’t hear the door open; he hadn’t fully closed it when he’d entered the bathroom. His eyes were closed, no longer looking at himself, just thinking of TJ. TJ slipped a hand around and quietly dispensed some lotion into his own hand, two pumps, and three. He silently rubbed his palms together before reaching around Jack’s waist, wrapping one hand over Jack’s hand and firmly gripping Jack at the base of his cock with the other. “You need any help?” His voice in Jack’s ear was gruff.

Jack didn’t lurch at the shock; he just leaned back against TJ, feeling TJ’s arousal behind him. He backed up against TJ at the same time he leaned his head back onto TJ’s shoulder. Their hands moved together along the length.

“You know, I’m a willing participant.” TJ continued. “You don’t have to jerk it.” He nipped at Jack’s neck as he tugged playfully at Jack’s arousal.

Jack thrust against TJ’s hands, Taking one of his own hands and running it up along his chest and behind TJ’s neck. He looked into the mirror, as he spilled onto the sink and TJ’s hands.

“Too late.” He grinned, watching TJ bite into his neck next to one of the hickeys. He ground his ass against TJ’s cock, it slipped into the cleft and Jack tried to angle for a trick shot before lifting a leg to the toilet seat and trying to reach behind him to grasp TJ’s shaft.

TJ hurriedly reached into the drawer for a condom, “no lube. Lotion’s shitty but…” he deftly rolled the condom on and reached for more lotion.

“But it’s fine.” Jack insisted reaching again, TJ stepped close to Jack and placed Jack’s hand onto his cock. “My turn after this you selfish bastard.” He nibbled Jack’s shoulder as Jack guided him in.

TJ’s thrusts were met by Jack’s arched back reaching to meet his ass to TJ’s hips. TJ slowed Jack’s frantic hips by gripping them and guiding them. “Jack, fuck! Fuck baby, you’re so fucking tight.” TJ couldn’t stop praising him. “Jack, you’re the best goddamned… fuck, my pretty boy!” Jack heard the words today like he’d heard them last night and with each “pretty” and “baby” he moaned with joy.

“TJ! Fuck… You’re so good to me! Fuck me!” Words were impossible to string together so Jack repeated the same things over and over as Jack rode TJ to his crest without touching himself, holding TJ’s hips and gripping his ass from behind him. TJ’s orgasm brought tears to Jack’s eyes.

TJ recognized the sobs and gently withdrew, sweetly taking Jack’s foot from the toilet lid and lowering it to the floor before turning Jack to face him. TJ put strong hands on Jack’s biceps and squeezed gently, “Sweetheart? Are you ok?” TJ asked and was met by more tears.

Jack buried his face in TJ’s neck, crying tears down TJ’s naked chest. “Yes.” He finally sniffed. “You really are so good to me. It was overwhelming I guess.”

TJ held Jack to him, cupping the back of his head. “You’re as good to me Jack. You know that right?”

“I can only hope.” TJ felt a smile as Jack settled, Jack’s face still buried in his neck.

“You are.” TJ ran his hands down Jack’s back; he smirked even though it remained unseen. “Crying & sex. It happens. You ready for breakfast? I cooked.”

“I’m going to clean up and I’ll be right out.”

TJ slipped the condom off, tied and disposed of it before helping Jack clean up the sink. The two washed their hands, looking at each other in their reflections. “You really do owe me, Jack.” TJ grinned at the reflection of Jack’s mussed hair and hickeys and his own rather orderly hair and perfectly pink skin.

TJ went into the kitchen, Jack into the bedroom. Jack grabbed a couple of clean pairs of pajama pants from TJ’s suitcase, yeah they forgot those, “remembered underwear, it was a rough day” Jack mused as he stepped into a pair and wandered out into the common area. TJ turned as he entered, smiling a sunshine smile at Jack. “Thought ‘just in case’.” Jack said as he held out the pants to TJ, admiring the lines of him naked in the kitchen. “I helped myself to your suitcase, we forgot to get any.” He waved the pants.

TJ traded Jack a plate full of French toast and fruit for the pants. “Yeah, things happened, I –”

“I didn’t have a proper list, we didn’t enlist Janie’s help enough, things happened.” Jack interrupted, not letting TJ express any blame. “You were very strong TJ. Don’t let anything or anyone convince you otherwise.”

TJ pulled the pajama bottoms up over his hips and Jack licked whipped cream off the tines of a fork as he appreciated the assets being hidden from view.

“Have you always been so good with words?”

“Words? Yes. Honesty and compassion? Hell no.” Jack replied, sitting backwards on the piano bench. “Absolutely not.”

“Well, I’d say you’ve been suppressing a gift. Don’t do that anymore. You’ve got good things to say and a natural gauge for what and when.” TJ offered, sitting on the coffee table facing Jack. They held their plates to eat.

“I’ll try, I’d say it’s easy because it’s you. I don’t understand why the draw? Why is it easy with you? Why so fast TJ?”

“Jack, trust me, if I knew – can you imagine when I talk to my dad? He’s going to see how I feel about you. He’s not going to take me seriously because he’s going to think I’m using you and your situation as a crutch. It would have been easier if we had hated each other and I simply I felt compassion. This is just messing everything up for you and scaring both of us in the process.”

Jack watched TJ talking with the hand that held his fork, the look of distress ceasing his brow. “I didn’t mean to stress you. We shouldn’t feel ashamed right?”

“It’s not shame Jack. It’s just stress! I want to help you. My parents already think my judgement is shit – which technically – my judgment is shit… but I can’t help but care for you and I knew I was going to help you before I even knew I cared.”

“Well, that’s all that counts, tell him that.” Jack decided the awkward position made eating too difficult so he assumed a seated positon on the floor at the coffee table and TJ joined him. They finished their breakfast in silent companionship.

Jack picked up their plates and forks when they were done, taking them into the kitchen. “TJ that was delicious. Thank you.” He said over the sound of water as he rinsed the dishes before adding them to the dishwasher. “You’re a clean cook too, Janie should be happy to discover that.” He turned and smiled. TJ was seated at the piano, looking at Jack with his head tilted just so.

Jack walked over to TJ and kissed his lush lips before sitting next to him, still backwards, on the bench. TJ started noodling around on the keys and Jack laid his head on TJ’s shoulder. TJ launched into one of his songs which moved naturally into another and then instead of playing the third, TJ’s fingers danced around the concept of a new song. Jack kissed TJ’s neck and shoulder, smirking when TJ missed a note. “This is new, will you remember it?”

“Yeah.” TJ hummed, still playing. Jack observed TJ’s profile as he was immersed in his music. His eyes were closed as though he were summoning the notes from his head to his hands, crafting the song through the power of concentration and skill. Jack was mesmerized by TJ just now.

“Are the notes in your head?” he whispered softly, curiosity winning out over the desire to absorb the moment.

“M-hm.” TJ barely responded. If Jack hadn’t been watching him he wouldn’t have noticed the bob of adams apple and slight change in breath that made up the sound.

“Beautiful.” Jack all but breathed.

TJ beamed without turning his head or opening his eyes, just continued playing with a blissful smile gracing his lips.

Jack wasn’t sure how long he’d sat as TJ worked through the notes in his head. It wasn’t until his legs started feeling tingly from sitting in one place for so long that he’d gotten curious. He stood up carefully, conscious of the lack of feeling underneath him. He made his way slowly to the kitchen to find the time on the microwave. While in there he grabbed two glasses and topped them with ice before pouring water from the pitcher in the refrigerator. He listened to the ice crackle from the differential expansion and what could be called the sound of love coming from the piano.

Jack took both glasses back to the piano, setting TJ’s near him on the bench and holding his own as he took a long drink from it. He set his glass on the opposite end of the bench and laid his hands on TJ’s shoulders, working his thumbs at the muscles closest to TJ’s spine. His thumbs made large arching circles and TJ rolled his neck, tilting his head back and catching Jack’s gaze. Jack leaned forward and kissed TJ. “It’s beautiful TJ.”

TJ smiled and stopped playing; he picked up the glass and gulped down half of the water. “Thank you. I usually record the first few times. I wasn’t thinking.”

“You still remember though, right?” Jack’s fingers moved along TJ’s shoulders, down and across his back again.

“Yeah,” TJ moaned into the magic of Jack’s fingers “I’m going to need to record it soon though, in case I lose it.”

“I could hear it again and I’ll be quiet as a church mouse.” Jack put his hand lightly on TJ’s throat and leaned in to kiss him again.

“Grab my phone please?” TJ grinned up at Jack, “It’s on the counter.”

Jack slowly drew his fingers across TJ’s throat, along his ear and ruffled his hair before grabbing up the water glasses and walking the few steps into the kitchen.

“Texts.” Jack warned before handing TJ his phone.

“Yeah, I’m gonna keep ignoring them. If there were an emergency it’d be ringing, Janie would be all up in my business and yeah, ignoring texts.” TJ’s fingers slid along Jack’s hand as he received the phone from him. He didn’t bother looking at the messages as he unlocked the phone and opened the recording app.

Jack straddled the bench sitting beside TJ as he played, watching his hands as they danced along the keys. He kept silent, lulled into a relaxed state by the notes, even his breaths were quiet. He enjoyed watching TJ play, the line of his back, the alert posture. For the first time since school, learning all of the things his mother had required that he’d considered superfluous, he found himself needing to draw. He slid carefully from the bench, trying to make very little noise. He found a pad of paper and a pencil in the drawer of the little table by the door.

He settled himself back at TJ’s side, sketching roughly, trying to remember the process. Jack doodled a few rough busts before quietly turning the page and starting fresh. He sketched TJ’s profile, the turn of his lips in that soft half-smile, the dip in his chin just showing. He drew long lines to illustrate TJ’s neck and spent extra time on the eyebrows and eyelashes that feathered across TJ’s face. The shell of TJ’s ear was tricky, getting the shading right and his lightly tousled hair. Jack’s fingers tingled slightly at the memory from just a bit ago ruffling that thick mass of curls.

TJ glanced aside at Jack, the silence was deafening when the music stopped. The scratch of pencil on paper was the only sound. Jack looked up, registering the silence, “Did I interrupt somehow?”

TJ smiled, “Nah, I stopped, I recorded 3 versions. You wouldn’t have a favorite would you?”

“No, I didn’t even realize there were different versions, I’ve been engrossed.”

TJ tipped the edge of the pad, seeing an upside-down glimpse of the sketch. Jack turned the pad around.

“Jack I didn’t know you could draw. Is that really me?”

“Forced to learn the arts. Forced to excel. Don’t shame the family. I never enjoyed it until right now. Of course it’s you. Can’t you tell?”

TJ leaned into Jack’s space, nipping his lips gently before kissing him.

“What was that for?”

“Just because.” TJ answered softly. “Because it’s hard to live up to others’ expectations and because you looked kiss starved. Because I was feeling kiss starved.”

“You’re a sap.”

“I can be. Yeah.” TJ ran his fingers along the pencil line of the drawing, “Do I get to keep this?”

“You want it?” Jack looked genuinely shocked.

“Do I want it? It’s beautiful! I want it _if_ you don’t want to keep it for yourself. Why wouldn’t I want it?”

Jack frowned and shook his head.

“Jack, why wouldn’t I want it?” TJ prodded gently.

“I’m not used to anyone wanting something like this just to have, Instead of because of who I am. My mother tossed the things I made for her if they didn’t measure up.”

TJ had an idea, “Let me see that first page.”

Jack flipped the page over, holding the pad to his chest, “They’re crude, rough.”

“A trade then. Listen to this.” TJ played a short, rough song complete with a few poorly chosen notes. “Now that’s rough. First song I ever tried to write. Now let me see.”

Jack turned the notebook so TJ could see different views of his face, neck and shoulders, one was a pre-sketch of the larger, more refined one on the second page, another showed TJ with his lip caught between his teeth, tears glistening in his eyes and then there was one of him laughing. There was even one of him –, “Jack! First; they’re fantastic! Rough but like it was intentional. Second; this one… is this?

“You. Fucking me. Yes.” Jack’s smirk was self-satisfied.

“Well now I want _this one_. You keep the other one; I’ll get it framed for you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Jack, I’m not. I want the “rough” sketches. I want you to keep the clean one and I’ll get them both framed. I’m serious.” TJ took the notebook from Jack and set it up on the piano document stand. “Seriously?” TJ pointed at the image of him mid orgasm, his hair mussed and his eyes heavily-lidded, his lips full and parted, “From memory?”

Jack laughed, “yeah, you leave an impression.”

TJ stood between Jack’s knees and wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck, resting his elbows on Jack’s shoulders. “I’d say it’s your turn.” He kissed Jack lazily. “To leave.” His tongue tantalized Jack’s, “An impression.”

Jack laid his hands on TJ’s waist, above the low-slung pajama pants and pulled him closer, spreading his legs to accommodate the closeness. His face was level with TJ’s chest, he licked first the left nipple and then the right, teasing them between his teeth _very_ gently. His hands slid down over TJ’s ass, grasping his cheeks through the thin cotton. Jack’s mouth traced the lines of TJ’s ab muscle groups down to his navel and as TJ stepped back, Jack bent lower to mouth the fly of TJ’s pajamas.

TJ pressed closer, rocking his hips to make closer contact with Jack’s warm mouth, he then threaded his fingers through Jack’s hair and softly tugged, urging Jack to sit upright and kissed his pink glistening lips. Reluctantly releasing the silky strands of hair, TJ reached behind himself and drew Jack’s hands from his rear. He threaded their fingers together and pulled Jack to his feet, leading him into the bedroom and to the bed.

Jack watched TJ walk backward and smirked at the idea that he’d have to probably stop him from stumbling over something at some point. He raised an eyebrow in surprise when they made it around the sofa and into the bedroom without any collisions. “What’s that look for Jack?” TJ laughed.

“I thought for sure I’d have to keep you from tripping.”

“Hey, “sober me” is full of talents.”

“I like “sober you”. I think you should definitely do whatever it takes to stay this way.” Jack slipped his hands free of TJ’s and put them on TJ’s hips.

“You never met the other me. How would you know?” TJ’s hands slid up along Jack’s arms to his shoulders, pushing him away playfully.

“I know what I like.” Jack surged forward again, catching TJ’s lips with his own. They crashed onto the bed with the force, Jack on top of TJ. TJ opened his thighs and wrapped them around Jack’s waist when Jack settled between them. Jack pushed himself up, locking his elbows. He looked down at TJ’s kiss-swollen mouth, “I want to draw this look and so many more.” Jack nuzzled the spot below TJ’s ear eliciting a purr-like sound.

Jack’s chuckle against TJ’s throat made TJ’s body shudder. He felt so damned good right now, “If you keep doing that, I could conceivably remain sober forever. I've tried so hard to get this feeling!” TJ growled as Jack set about evening the score for marks on one another’s bodies. TJ tightened his legs around Jack’s waist, dropping one foot over his ass in a half-caress before linking his ankles; he laid his arms at his sides, palms down by his hips and crunching his abs to lift his hips off the bed, pressing against the weight of Jack. He rocked his hips, grinding their cocks together; causing a surprised nip at the tender spot Jack had been sucking and was starting to nibble at. TJ’s yelp melted into a sultry laugh and Jack rocked his hips in a sort of dance with TJ’s movements.

“You should always feel this way and if this is all it takes to keep you sober, count me in. I’ll sign on willingly!” Jack kissed TJ’s smiling lips, teasing them with brief kisses and pulling away when TJ started to engage. Licking at the full bottom lip then dipping to nibble at TJ’s throat when TJ’s lips parted. TJ brought his hands up and grasped Jack’s face, holding it firm so he could ravage Jack’s teasing mouth.

Jack grinned at TJ’s impatience, enjoying the moment. As TJ’s hands were busy in Jack’s hair and running down his back, Jack took advantage and pressed TJ’s hips into the mattress with his own. He met TJ’s frantic movements grinding against him. He swallowed TJ’s moans in the kisses the man was lavishing him with. Jack put his hand tenderly across TJ’s throat, feeling the vibrations of the moans. He thrust harder against TJ’s hips, feeling the dampness through TJ’s pajama pants and in his own. The groans vibrating against his fingers from TJ’s delightfully long, slender neck intensified.

“Y’know what else would make me happy?” TJ asked lazily.

“Oh yeah, I know.” Jack laughed, “But you’re wrapped around me like a monkey and I can’t get either of us naked enough.”

TJ unwrapped his legs from around Jack and hooked his toes into the waistband of Jack’s pants, “You wanna see monkey?” He pushed the pants down over Jack’s hips with his toes and a laugh. They slid down Jack’s thighs and pooled at his feet.

“Gee TJ, your talents know no bounds.” Jack tried to sound unimpressed while he nuzzled TJ’s neck. Actually he was very impressed with TJ’s speed and flexibility.

TJ was aching to be touched but Jack held back, the only touch was Jack’s lips now that he’d moved his hand, replacing it with his mouth at TJ’s throat. TJ wanted more from Jack but he wasn’t going to ask – he’d already told Jack it was his turn damn it.

Jack felt the shift in TJ’s mood and rose up, looking at TJ, trying to read his face, “TJ,”

TJ froze, panic welling up inside at the change of tone.

“TJ,” Jack moved to TJ’s side, lounging lazily against TJ’s body, “what do you need? What do you want?” His voice was soothing, slightly sensual, mostly caring.

When he got no answer, he touched TJ’s cheek, turning his face to look into his eyes. He was disappointed that they were closed; he hated that he was closed off from TJ. “Baby, open your eyes, please talk to me. Tell me what you need.”

TJ sighed as Jack’s hand moved down from his cheek over his neck. Jack pulled away waiting patiently for words. TJ’s breath caught and Jack worried he was going to cry, melt down, or worse. All things Jack might not be ready for. Jack put his hand out but hesitated, “TJ,” Jack whispered. “I need to know what to do.”

“I need you to touch me.” TJ whispered, Jack noticed a flush cross TJ’s face.

“Is that all?” Jack moved, kissing TJ before scooting across the bed. “Touching you is an honor TJ. Don’t move.” TJ stretched out, bracing his head on his arm, Jack stood between TJ’s legs. He took his time running his hands along TJ’s shoulders and down his sides. “A complete honor.”

TJ felt embarrassed about his shut-down. He bit his lip nervously, watching as Jack touched his stomach, the flat of his palm firmly, yet tenderly chasing his slender fingers. Jack followed his hands with kisses, smiling when TJ’s muscles would quiver under his touch.

“What else TJ? You seem distant.”

“Embarrassed.”

“TJ,” Jack’s voice broke, “you have nothing to be embarrassed for.”

“I do.” TJ lifted up and leaned on an elbow, watching Jack. “I could have asked, told, even demanded but instead I went into tantrum mode. I wanted you to just **know** and when you didn’t I got angry. Then hurt. And I started to panic when it looked like you were going to confront me.”

Jack listened, never breaking eye contact, not stopping the constant caress of TJ’s silken skin. When it was clear TJ was finished Jack slowly leaned forward, maintaining eye contact, and kissed the spot over TJ’s heart, where his fingers had been circling. He trailed pointed kisses up TJ’s chest, along his neck and finally his mouth. “A couple of things, don’t ever panic if I do confront you. It’s probably not as confrontational as you expect. And if it **is** confrontational, you tell me to back off.”

TJ cradled Jack’s face in his hands as he kissed back. He whimpered as Jack moved away from him to stand.

“Shh…” Jack soothed, picking up TJ’s feet that dangled off the bed. He took first one foot and then the other in hand, massaging each slowly. His fingers trailed the sides of TJ’s ankles, tracing the bone structure, his thumbs massaging muscle. He ran his hands up TJ’s shins, pushing the legs of the pants that TJ still wore up as he went, then back down his calves with a firmer touch. “I’m going to get that contented kitten back.” Jack purred, kissing TJ’s knees, first one then the other “if it kills me.”

Jack ran his hands up TJ’s thighs, massaging the muscles there a couple of times along the way to his hip.

Jack reached forward and pulled TJ’s pajama pants down a couple of inches, “You wanna make _this_ a little easier? Up…” TJ lifted his hips from the bed just enough to allow Jack to pull the garment lower. Jack tugged the soft cotton by the legs and once they were free, he flung them across the room. “Thank you.” Jack said as he lightly stroked the soft skin at TJ’s hip.

TJ continued to lie happily watching Jack with a soft smile on his lips at the contented kitten comment. Jack felt a thousand times better seeing TJ’s features soften, he leaned forward and kissed him, “honestly, TJ. I want you to always tell me what you want, you deserve to be heard. And I can be selfish – I was enjoying having my mouth on you and I wasn’t in the frame of mind to try to read yours.”

TJ sighed as Jack’s hands resumed their travels. Yes, he was starting to feel very content.

“I need the checks and balances, you tell me your wishes and desires and that will keep me out of my own head. You give and give, TJ. You should feel confident in taking, take from me if you don’t have the confidence to take from others. Take yourself back. Let me develop into a good person by learning from you and let me teach you how to be just a tiny bit selfish.”

Jack’s hands moved slowly and delightfully over TJ’s slim waist. “Turn over sweetheart.” TJ sighed and did as asked, sticking near the edge of the bed and lying on his stomach. Jack’s fingers dug into his back and kneaded any remaining tension.

TJ giggled when it tickled and moaned when it hurt. No, it wasn’t pain as much as that delightful agony of worked muscles being kneaded back to their pliant state. “Sounds so easy when you say it.” TJ’s muffled voice reached Jack. Jack looked up to see TJ lying on his folded arm, he probably hadn’t bothered to lift his head to speak.

“Nothing is as easy as it sounds.”

TJ squirmed as Jack’s fingers skimmed his sides, “tickles” he chuckled.

“How are you feeling now,” Jack placed a kiss on TJ’s shoulder blade. “kitten?”

TJ craned his neck to see Jack leaning over him, feeling Jack’s arousal against his ass cheek “needy” he retorted with a grin. “After last night, at least this one drawer has the necessary items. Still haven’t unpacked.”

“Well that’s straight to the point.” Jack nipped TJ’s ear before reaching for the side table. “Just the way it should be.”

“Is this ok with you Jack?” TJ hadn’t thought to ask and had just assumed since last night that he could, that _they_ could switch.

Jack moved back to where he could kiss TJ “Yes.” He was emphatic. “Absolutely.”

Jack stood against the bed still between TJ’s legs. TJ heard the cap ‘pop’ and the sound of the slick as Jack squeezed the tube. He felt chilly drops plop onto his skin at the small of his back and jumped a little. Jack chuckled as he swiped his thumb over the area, “sorry kitten.”

TJ buried his face in his arms laughing, “That was either the best or the worst thing I ever came up with.”

Jack watched the bloom of color come over TJ’s neck and laughed. “If you hate it – tell me to cut it out… I don’t think you hate it.” Jack palmed TJ’s inner thigh with his empty hand.

“I’ll hate it – and you – if you say it in front of Janie. Or _anyone_.” Jack trailed slicked fingers along the cleft of TJ’s ass.

TJ moaned as Jack’s finger circled and slid inside of him. “Too slow, more Jack. More.” TJ looked over his shoulder and made eye contact with Jack. “You take your time and I’ll clock you.”

Jack pulled his hand away, “turn over, kitten.”

TJ shot him a glare but complied, squeezing his knees at Jack’s waist eagerly when Jack scooted close, eliciting a throaty laugh when Jack slid two fingers in without warning. TJ’s gasp was caught on Jack’s lips as he leaned in to kiss TJ while circling and curling his fingers, “more.” TJ groaned into Jack’s mouth, gripping Jack’s sides. “more Jack.” TJ’s fingers slipped and he dug in with the tips of his fingers.

Jack sucked in a breath and jolted at the sting at his back. “watch those claws kitten.” Jack cautioned, dipping his head, his hair dusting TJ’s chest. The jolt caused TJ to buck, he put his feet on the edge of the bed trying to gain more access. He felt so needy, wanted to be filled, needed that happy feeling back that was pushed aside by his insecurity. He let out a low whine when Jack pulled his fingers out. He reached desperately for Jack. “patience sweetheart.” Jack crooned, showing him the condom as an excuse.

“fuck responsibility.” TJ moaned, tossing his legs over Jack’s shoulders.

Jack’s chuckle was punctuated by the snap of the latex, “you’re a mischievous kitten.” Jack popped the cap on the lube and reached for TJ’s hand. TJ took Jack’s cock in his hand, circling him and sliding his hand along the length then down to clasp Jack’s balls.

“this kitten is very needy.” He purred as Jack leaned in for another kiss, pushing TJ’s knees closer and closer to his ears. “maybe not so flexible.” He complained tugging less than gently on Jack’s erection.

“I saw that monkey trick earlier. Who are you kidding?” Jack teased. “What are you gonna do with that?”

TJ met his challenging gaze before positioning Jack’s tip at his entrance. “It’s all up to you now.”

Jack took it slow, leveling a pointed look at TJ as TJ started to criticize his caution. “I promise you it’s worth the wait.” Jack smirked pushing slowly, steadily before pulling back as slowly.

TJ was caught between savoring the torment, gasping as Jack continued the slow torture, and demanding more. He knew he was being impatient and irrational. He knew he could come away from this feeling _very_ uncomfortable. He knew Jack was embracing a nurturing side and that was really the only selling point to this ‘patience’ thing.

“TJ,” Jack wanted him to understand, this wasn’t one of those “just ask” moments, this was more than that.

“I know Jack.” TJ’s voice was barely a sigh, but the eye contact convinced Jack.

TJ reached up for Jack, his legs slipping off of Jack’s shoulders and over his arms. Jack hiked TJ’s legs around his waist and TJ pulled Jack to him for a kiss, and wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck. The change in weight distribution gave TJ what he wanted and as he took all of Jack inside of him he cursed his own impatience. Jack chuckled at the string of curses that continued until TJ had adjusted and the curses turned to praises. Jack gripped TJ’s hips to support him in this awkward position. “TJ, sweetheart, god TJ, you’re so fucking tight.”

TJ rocked against Jack’s hips sloppily out of desperation. Jack braced his knees and helped lower TJ’s legs to hang off the bed, brushing against his own legs. He ran his hands over TJ’s torso, “Slow down kitten, don’t rush this.” Jack kissed TJ’s full lips, nipped his jaw, and licked the mark he’d made on TJ’s shoulder. Jack’s hips moved in a more controlled rhythm. “Are you with me TJ? Move with me.”

TJ started to meet Jack’s rhythm with a bit of reluctance; Jack just didn’t seem to understand how desperate he was! As soon as they were rocking and thrusting together, Jack rewarded TJ with the urgency he’d been trying to attain. He increased the thrusts and released his grip on TJ’s hips to clasp and knead his cheeks. TJ called out each time Jack’s cock would hit his prostate, Jack loved to hear this carefree shout and each time TJ did so Jack would thrust more forcefully and TJ would roll his hips just so. TJ kept one arm hooked around Jack’s neck and put his other hand between them to grasp himself, he thumbed his tip, pressing into the slit before circling the head. Jack licked the soft juncture of TJ’s neck and savored the sound and vibration coming from TJ’s throat.

Jack knew his release was near and closed his eyes dipping his forehead to TJ’s throat, “I’m close TJ, so close.” TJ rose up from the sheer strength of his arm around Jack’s neck and sank down again in long smooth strokes which he mirrored with his own hand on his cock.

“Me too, OH God Jack Me too, Fuck.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Jack repeated thrusting erratically, “coming. Fuck, fuck TJ sweet kitten –” his incoherent words were swallowed by TJ”s frantic kisses. As TJ rocked through his own climax, Jack moaned at the warmth that spread across his chest and navel and dribbled slowly, cooling as it followed gravity’s pull down his skin.

Jack gently laid TJ back onto the bed, slipping out and rolling lazily to TJ’s side, pressing against the length of his body. “TOUCH ME JACK” TJ called out, feeling the chill of being ‘alone’.

Jack ran a hand along TJ’s abdomen, spreading cum with his movement. He leaned forward and licked a stripe up TJ’s belly, looking at TJ warmly. TJ grasped his face and pulled him closer. He licked the corner of Jack’s lips before thrusting his tongue inside. Jack rolled onto TJ, fitting one leg between TJ’s and nipped at TJ’s lip with a lazy grin. “Oh my god TJ,”

TJ wrapped his arms around Jack and held him to him, “good?”

“MmHmm.. for you?” Jack didn’t look at TJ but the answer was still very important.

“Yeah.” TJ sighed, contented.

Jack peppered TJ with kisses. “Oh pretty kitten.” He crooned.

“I really don’t hate that. I should absolutely hate that.” TJ sighed.

Jack’s laughter rocked them both, “I would stop if you hated it.”

“You would?” TJ angled his head to look at Jack who was sprawled across him, Jack’s arms over his chest and resting his chin on his arms. He lifted his head from the bed and stretched his neck to plant a kiss on Jack’s nose.

“Of course I would. Kitten.”

“Shut up.” TJ smiled. “We were _both_ supposed to be contented kittens today. Kitten.”

Jack frowned but the frown didn’t reach his eyes, no, there was nothing but smile in those eyes and it made TJ so happy. “It’s fun, right?” Jack asked. Jack moved to get up.

“Nooooo.” TJ whined, reaching to stop him.

“Just going to get something to clean up.” Jack kissed TJ’s fingers and crawled away from him. TJ moved to follow, really not wanting to lose the warm happy feeling. “I’ll be less than a minute.” Jack patted TJ’s thigh as he pushed up from the bed.

TJ sat up in a pout. “I’ll time you.” He called after Jack.

Jack laughed. TJ heard him open the drawer to the linens and run water. He’d discovered last night that the water took time to warm up. “Longer than a minute Jack.” He called across the rooms.

“You want this cold?” Jack called back.

“I’m already cold who cares?” Jack could _hear_ TJ’s pout from the hallway.

Jack peeked back in, “is my discontented kitten going to forgive me?”

TJ tried to maintain the pout but his stupid face kept betraying him with smirkish smiles. Jack moved in a mock cautious manner to the bed. He tossed a wash cloth at TJ as he started to wash him with his own.

“What’s this for?” TJ sassed.

“In case you wanted to return the favor.” Jack answered as he knelt between TJ’s legs and spent extra time bathing TJ’s chest and abdomen. TJ reached for Jack and mirrored his actions. Jack moved the cloth slowly down to TJ’s pelvis, taking care to wash everywhere, tenderly. He gave into temptation when the idea to lay a kiss on the tip of TJ’s dick overtook him. TJ stopped what he was doing and moaned. Jack dipped his tongue along the slit, and TJ arched. “So soon TJ?” Jack mused as TJ grew hard. He licked around the tip then started at the base and licked up the underside of TJ’s length. TJ gripped Jack’s hair and held him there.

“Yes.” TJ sang. “Oh yes.”

Jack licked his lips and looked into TJ’s eyes. “Yes?”

“Fuck yes!” TJ bucked, feeling his cock leak. Jack followed the trail, licking it up.

“You amaze me TJ.” Jack wasn’t joking, didn’t sound patronizing, “I would die for you TJ.” TJ’s eyes misted and he swore Jack looked stricken.

“I don’t want you to do that.” He said softly. “Don’t kill me with waiting either.” He tried to tease.

Jack’s tongue was busy finding tender spots, feeling shudders, tracing veins as he tried to cram the near-declaration-of-love back down into his chest by giving the best god damned blowjob TJ would ever know. Tears pricked his eyes as the panic tried to win the battle. He redoubled his efforts, putting his mouth over just the tip of TJ’s cock. He bobbed over the fraction of TJ’s length with determination and skill but was pulled to a stop by TJ’s hands tugging on his hair softly.

“Stop. Jack stop.” TJ saw the sobs wracking Jack’s body. Jack was freaked out – TJ knew it, had been here before. “Jack, baby.” TJ caressed Jack’s cheek. “Talk to me. Don’t go away. Don’t disappear into your head.”

Jack shook his head violently, sitting on the bed away from TJ. TJ climbed Jack’s back and held on, riding the sobs.

“I want to know what happened. Where is _my_ contented kitten?” TJ cooed softly in Jack’s ear.

“TJ. We’ve known each other for less than a weekend.” Jack sobbed openly. “This fucked up thing we’re doing. It’s all – it’s got me all messed up.”

“Me too, mostly in a good way.” TJ kissed Jack’s ear. “We agreed to be open. If you’re done, tell me. If you’re not done. Please, please tell me.”

“I almost said “I love you” does that sound like I’m done?”

TJ’s heart lurched. Then it freaked. He hadn’t heard those words – not outside the crazy “you have to say that you’re my family” kind of way – not since Sean and, well that went **so well**. His arms slipped down Jack’s shoulders and Jack’s sobs picked up. Jack couldn’t help reading the move as rejection.

TJ made the conscious effort to fix that, at least. He took Jack’s shoulders under his strong fingers and massaged them, deep tissue massage in the shoulders and back. He put kisses on Jack’s neck until his sobs lightened up.

“Jack?” TJ’s tone was light Jack didn’t hear any strain in it, it broke through the remainder of his sobs, “Jack – do you want to know how many times I’ve stopped myself from saying it?”

Jack turned to face TJ and waited. He schooled his breathing to stop the shuddering.

“Every time I’ve called you ‘baby’.” TJ took Jack’s hand, “Every ‘baby’ has been “I love you”. Why? Because I’m a coward. I know what I feel. I goddamned know what the fuck I feel. I feel it because I can’t dull it. I’m very accustomed to being overpowered by my emotions because I can’t fucking dull them anymore and this is love. Do you know the last time someone told me they loved me and it wasn’t followed by “-but you screwed up” or preceded by “You know I’m only doing this because-”?”

“Him.” Jack said softly.

“Yes. And the last time you admitted it was that not long ago and not soon enough. Yeah, you’re going to be scared.”

“It’s too soon.” Jack’s voice was still thick with emotion. “What’s going to happen to us?”

“God knows!” TJ scooted closer to Jack and wrapped his arms around him. “I have no fucking clue Jack.” He said into Jack’s hair as he held tightly.

Jack tightened his arms around TJ and held on. The only sound was their breathing, TJ’s was smooth, calm and steady, while Jack had to work to get his breaths to even out, the uncontrollable sobbing had stopped but he knew the reprieve was tenuous. Jack focused on TJ’s even breathing and his hands circling Jack’s back lazily.

They sat intertwined for a while. TJ felt himself drifting in and out of sleep. Jack could tell TJ was slipping, he smiled a soft smile into TJ’s neck. He tried closing his own eyes but in the quiet, the embarrassment started to overtake him, he started to feel angry about his weakness. TJ’s sleepiness fell away as he felt Jack slowly tensing in his arms. “Hmmm, baby, it’s ok. Relax sweetheart.” He crooned in a sleepy, soft voice in Jack’s ear. “talk to me.”

“Nothing to say.” Jack’s words were laced with bitterness.

“You’re angry. With me? Or?” TJ pulled back to look at Jack.

“With me – that was weak.”

TJ laughed – it wasn’t an amused or joy filled sound – it was pain. “that, Jack.” He took Jack’s hands in his and kissed his fingers one at a time, “was **not** weak. A strong person will let others in, a weak one will shut them out. You were brave and it scared you and that makes you angry. You think being scared is weak? Being scared is being human. What you do in the face of it is what makes you weak or strong. You could have shut me out entirely but you didn’t. Whose voice did you hear when the word ‘weakness’ came into your mind?”

Jack’s eyes widened. TJ nodded. “It wasn’t your voice at first, but then it was, right? Someone else has drilled the idea that self-care and love are weakness into your head and you’ve accepted it as truth.”

“Oh my god, we’re a mess.” Jack sighed, collapsing in TJ’s arms and savoring his strength.

TJ chuckled and this time it was sympathetic and sort of amused, he laid back on the bed, pulling Jack with him. “We are, Jack. We’re going to be quite a difficult mess and everyone’s going to tell us it’s unhealthy and bad news. We’ll have a battle to fight and I’ve never been a soldier. I’ll need your help.”

Jack lay with his head on TJ’s chest listening to the sound of TJ’s heart. “I’ll do what I can.”

“We reel each other back. It’s the damnedest thing.” TJ stroked Jack’s hair softly.

“MmHmm.” Jack agreed lazily, even though a response wasn’t required. “’m sorry TJ.” He said lazily.

“For what baby?” TJ circled Jack’s ear with his finger.

“Breaking down and not finishing what I started.”

“Oh, that.” TJ grinned even though Jack couldn’t see it. TJ touched Jack’s cheek and Jack looked up, resting his chin on TJ’s sternum. “I don’t ever want you to ‘forge ahead’ and just do what you think needs to be done for me when you’re in crisis. You come first Jack. Sex is part of what we share; it does not take priority over your well-being.”

Jack’s eyes welled and TJ hurt, “I mean it, Jack.” TJ insisted, his voice thick.

Jack kissed TJ where his heart was thumping Jack’s chin. He smiled a small smile as the warmth of TJ’s words sank in around all of the scarring in his own heart. “I love you TJ.”

TJ took Jack’s face in his hands, “come closer to me.” Jack moved up TJ’s body lazily, kissing his chest and shoulder and neck. TJ pulled Jack into a long lazy kiss, “I love you Jack.” He purred into Jack’s mouth and his heart.

“The battle’s only just begun.” Jack smirked.

They lay curled around each other as TJ pulled the remote from the side table and turned on the television. He scanned through the regular programming and landed on a movie that wouldn’t bring them to crisis. “A Mel Brooks afternoon? That should be innocuous enough.” TJ smiled into Jack’s hair as he let Robin Hood; Men in Tights play in the background.

That heavy feeling that follows a crying jag started to lift and Jack settled comfortably beside TJ as they half-watched while leisurely touching one another and intermittently kissing one another. TJ’s stomach grumbled and Jack laughed, “We should see about fixing something.”

“Too lazy. I’ll order in.”

“Not very fiscally responsible.” Jack teased.

“No. But I don’t care today.” TJ kissed Jack’s upturned lips. “Any requests?”

“You choose.”

TJ picked up his phone and opened a pizza app and started ordering – “Pizza it is. Don’t know what you want on it though, you have to make some of the decisions.”

“Seriously? I don’t want to make any decisions. Put everything on it.”

“Oh god Jack NO!”

“Ok then” Jack laughed at the outright horror on TJ’s face, “order it how you want and I’ll eat it.”

Jack was right, he ate heartily and they joked – talked about pizza toppings that never should be, argued the value of vegetables on pizza, “You’re kidding yourself if you think adding spinach to a pizza is making it healthy.” TJ laughed at Jack when he suggested vegetables were a necessarily healthy option. “Look at the ratio of deliciously _bad_ things you’re going to throw a vegetable at it and say “yup, that fixed it”?”

“Well at least you have to admit they add a flavor to it?”

“But at the cost of texture. Who wants to tug on a slice and pull a stringy onion away in your teeth instead of stringy, melty cheese? Or ‘crunch’ who wants to bite into something with crunch and that weird slimy texture of cooked peppers or onions.” TJ’s face scrunched up comically.

“I concede this debate to you. I will, however continue to enjoy a few vegetables – while you continue to pick them off.”

“See? I thought of you even though you said “order it how you want.”

Jack kissed TJ’s pizza glossed lips, “thank you.”

“Dare I ask where you stand on Pineapple on your pizza?” TJ kissed Jack back.

Jack visibly shuddered, “no. just No.”

TJ laughed, “oh Jack… yes. A thousand times yes to pineapple.”

“What happened to texture and slime? Where is your argument now young Hammond?”

“Some rules are made to be broken.” TJ shoved at Jack’s shoulder “Shut up.”

History of the World Part 1 was announced as next up as Robin Hood credits rolled and Jack declared the need for popcorn. “I think I can even make it!”

“Well, don’t pat yourself on the back too hard, Jack. The microwave does all the work.”

Jack rolled his eyes as he stood from the bed. “You doubt me?” he turned and went into the kitchen. “Hey, TJ?” he called, “Exactly when do we expect Janie back? I’d hate for her to walk in while I’m standing naked in her kitchen.”

> TJ texted Janie, “Hey Janes? You coming home tonight?”
> 
> Janie: “Nope, sleepover. You have the place to yourselves. You being good?”
> 
> TJ: “Not in the least. You should never take a black light to your apartment. Just a warning.”
> 
> Janie: “You, TJ, are a dead man.”
> 
> TJ: “Hah!”

“We’re good, Jack. She’s having a ‘sleepover’.” TJ said as he wandered into the kitchen. Jack was standing over the stove, watching over oil and popcorn in a pan.

“You might want a lid on that. I don’t understand though, seriously, packet of popcorn, microwave, 3 minutes later… yum.” TJ wrapped his arms around Jack’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder.

Jack smiled and stirred the popcorn around the bottom of the pan. One kernel popped lightly then two more and then Jack put the lid on the pan, letting steam escape. “I know what I’m doing.” He responded, lazily stroking TJ’s cheek. TJ kissed Jack’s hand listening to the intense popping in the pan. Jack melted some butter in a small skillet and added a dash of truffle oil and pepper. As the popping slowed to a near stop, Jack moved the pan from the burner and drizzled the butter-truffle oil mixture over the fluffy grains. He stirred the pot and dumped the fragrant mix into a bowl. “Trust me?” Jack offered TJ the first taste.

TJ took a handful and tossed it into his mouth, “Oh M’God” he groaned around the mouthful. “So impolite – this is delicious” he added when he was finished chewing.

Jack grabbed some sodas from the fridge and followed TJ who had taken the bowl, hugging it to his chest, back to the bedroom.

The lazy afternoon was their reward for their morning struggles, TJ and Jack laughed throughout the movie. “My sides hurt.” TJ wailed.

“We shouldn’t even be watching this.” Jack chuckled, “Despot kings and drugs and sex!”

“We’re only quitting two of the three.” TJ pulled Jack over him, nibbling at the curve of his smile, Jack returned the nibble with a lick at TJ’s lips and thrusting his tongue in TJ’s mouth. TJ received his passionate kiss with joy, kissing Jack back fervently.

They kissed, held one another through the movie, laughing at the bawdy jokes that could be considered unacceptable and insensitive in “modern society” but in their jaded lives the naked truth underneath so much of it just served to make them giggle. When that movie ended, TJ stood up, “since we have no ‘piss boy’, I’m gonna hit the head.” Jack laughed and sat up, watching TJ walk away.

Jack gathered up the pizza box and soda bottles and took them to the kitchen. He left the half-eaten bowl of popcorn behind for later. He stood looking at the pans on the stove, he’d made popcorn. It wasn’t a giant foray into cooking but he’d confronted the pans and stove without issue. Maybe another day he might be able to cook something. He smiled as he thought about the movie they’d just watched. When the despot king popped up in the course of the movie, TJ had grabbed the remote and was about to change the channel when Jack laughed openly at one of the jokes. TJ had put his hand on Jack’s shoulder “You ok baby?” and Jack just nodded, still laughing.

TJ came around the counter, “hey?” the distant look had him approach cautiously.

“Hey.” Jack wrapped his arms around TJ. “hey.” He kissed TJ’s neck.

“You ok?”

“Yes. I was just thinking about some of the better moments from today.”

“They were mostly good.” TJ offered, “Any in particular?”

“I almost cooked _something_.” Jack blushed, “and you, when you checked in with me over the movie, armed and ready to change the channel.”

“Oh god I saw that and I was about to die, I wanted to laugh but I wasn’t sure how you – I don’t know I worried.” TJ took Jack by the hand and led him to the sofa, they sat close together and TJ laid his head on Jack’s shoulder.

“You held the remote like it was a weapon. Going to war for me TJ?”

“Like you said earlier, the battle’s just begun. But – I hate to break it to you,” TJ turned to look at Jack, his face was struggling to appear serious, “as monstrously delicious as that popcorn was – that was _not_ cooking. Now if you want to _bury_ old memories you could make some new ones _helping me_ cook dinner?”

Jack smiled at the tease and was moved by the possibility of helping TJ. If it was a flop, he could always back away from the kitchen and still talk with TJ, he could do this. “Ok, you’ve got an assistant. If I crack under pressure, though, I’ll be over here somewhere.”

“Perfect. You’ve already got your contingency plan in place, I like it.” TJ’s hand idly stroked Jack’s knee.

“Do you walk around pre-planning for meltdown moments?” Jack asked, curious and impressed.

“ _Sometimes_. There are times I have to. And then there are times when I don’t have to but it helps to know the plan is there. Janie’s usually part of the plan. Phone call if it’s urgent, text if I’m pretty sure I’m just being dramatic.”

“I’d like to be adjusted enough that I wasn’t part of the problem, and could be more a part of the solution.” Jack settled back into the sofa, resting his head on the cushion. His fingers traced the line of the piping on the arm of the sofa.

“It’ll come. When the fear dies down, first you have to get through the next week or so feeling completely useless and possibly worthless. Don’t look at me like that,” TJ admonished at Jack’s incredulous look, “you _will_ have those moments. When you do, remember these words. Remember that I am very much in love with you. Remember that you have the power to get through it. You have dragged me out of some gray areas and dark moments and you have the power to do that for yourself too. Above all – remember that I want to help you, not only with this legal thing but with daily struggles as you get to know who you are and who you want to be. You are _not_ doing this alone.”

Jack laced his fingers with TJ’s, “I love you TJ.” The words didn’t hurt to say, the look he got in return wasn’t pained or miserable, it was delight. “I love you.” He tested it again.

“How does it feel? Easier to say?” TJ’s free hand wandered over Jack’s thigh.

“It’s getting there. It feels nice, nicer every time I don’t feel some retribution for it.”

TJ kissed Jack’s jaw and buried his head in his neck, “I wish you didn’t feel that way. I wish that wasn’t even a worry. But you can practice on me all you want.”

“I shouldn’t have said anything,” Jack kissed TJ’s forehead. “but you asked me not to shut you out. You sure you want that caveat left in there?”

TJ lifted his head to look at Jack, “you want me to always be honest with you? No matter how painful?”

“Yes. Stupid question, I know.”

“Ok then. Say it again.” TJ taunted.

“I love you TJ. You playful kitten.” Jack kissed TJ sweetly.

“Mm. I love you Jack.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve fought my family for less. I’ll go to battle for you.”
> 
> “OK, so, sweet thought,” Jack said earnestly, “but you’re no soldier and I want to keep it that way. [.......]"
> 
> “If you want. I think we both feel pretty safe here, and I’m pretty sure they won’t sell us out to your government – you’re going to have to be transparent about that – so should we just have them meet us here?”
> 
> “If I do get deported, at least they’ll know where to find me.”

* * *

“TJ You love the idea of him!” those were the words he heard over and over in his dream, his mother, his brother, his father and even Nana, “you love the idea of him, you think you can rescue him and it will make you a better person” “You don’t even know him how can you love him”

“SO WHAT!” TJ screamed, sitting bolt-upright, tears streaming down his face. He felt Jack grip his waist, he felt Jack’s chin on his shoulder, holding him from behind.

“TJ, kitten, shhh.” Jack soothed, He’d felt thrashing and gotten kicked in the shin before being fully awakened by TJ’s shout. “It was a dream.”

TJ let out a bitter laugh. “Oh it was real. It was history folding in on the present.”

“You want to share? Or you want to come back to my arms?” Jack asked as he settled back on his side. 

TJ settled down into Jack’s arms, like two nested spoons. “Apparently either my subconscious is telling me I’m terrified about how I feel about you or how my family will react to how I feel about you. Every one of them told me I didn’t know you well enough to love you and that I only love the idea of you.” TJ gripped Jack's hands and held them to his body.

“Maybe your subconscious is smarter than both of us.” Jack said in TJ’s ear.

“So what.” TJ repeated, insolently.

“Is that how you’re going forward with this? Everybody’s right but ‘so what’?”

“It was a dream Jack.”

Jack chuckled, “I know. But what you screamed back at your dream and what you said right now, that’s your stance?”

“Yup.” TJ said and Jack was sure he could hear the pout. He lifted his head to look at TJ. TJ smirked at him. “If dream-everyone is right and I ‘love the idea of you’ and you ‘love the idea’ of me, who are we hurting?”

“Each other?”

“Nope. Ourselves. I won’t hurt you Jack. If this doesn’t pan out, I’ll hurt for the loss but I’ll cherish it for the good things. We’ve made some good things already. Today – well – yesterday was mostly good things.” TJ rubbed his hands along Jack’s arms, “Today starts the real world, and we start figuring out how we fit in it. I need to grow up and make a life; we need to fix your situation so you can start yours.”

“Well, to do that, you should appear rested for your appointments today, so settle in and try to get some more sleep.” Jack murmured at TJ’s neck as he drew circles on TJ’s arm.

“Hm.” TJ sighed, “that’s a very smart suggestion. Just keep doing that and I might just fall asleep.” TJ snuggled deeper into Jack’s embrace.

“I don’t just love the idea of you TJ.”

“Yeah, me too, Jack.”

* * *

The next thing either of them heard was Janie singing her way through the apartment. Jack’s first instinct was panic ‘oh shit I hope we didn’t leave any evidence of – what the fuck Jack. She knows...’

TJ’s first instinct was to grumble “I wish I had a shoe I could throw at the fucking door.” Jack pulled away from TJ to look at him, he was rubbing sleep from his eyes, his hair tousled and his face bore marks of Jack’s arm where he’d been laying on it.

“That’s kind of harsh.” Jack snickered. TJ rolled to face him and Jack traced the pink marks on his cheek. “Mornin’ kitten.”

“Watch it Jack.” TJ grumped.

“What time to you have to be up?” Jack reached for TJ’s phone. “More texts, poor baby. It’s ten after eight.”

TJ took the phone and set it aside, “I've got to be out by 10, I want 20 more minutes and then would you join me in the shower?”

“Yes, I’ll wake you in 20.” Jack kissed TJ’s forehead, “And yes I’ll join you.”

Jack quietly moved out of the bed, pulled on the pajama pants and went out to the living room. “Shh.” He said as Janie went to greet him, “TJ’s not having any of your cheer this morning.”

“Poor Teej.” She said quietly, putting something into the oven. “You keep him up too late Jack?”

Jack’s blush heated his cheeks, “Actually we were rather respectable yesterday and last night. He woke early from a bad dream.”

“Did you sleep alright?”

“Yeah, except for his waking me.” Jack smiled then sobered. “Janie, I have a feeling he’s going to need you this week and if he doesn’t I will.”

“Any reason in particular or just big changes?”

“I think we both put our foot in it yesterday. We both said the “L” word.”

Janie sighed, “I was afraid something like this would happen.”

“Something like what, Janie?” Jack asked cautiously.

“You two would get carried away. I don’t blame you, TJ’s beautiful inside and out. I hardly know you Jack but I already have really high expectations for you. I can see how TJ could fall for you too. Do you know how broken he’s been? I can’t begin to think that either of us really knows you and just how broken you’ve been. I worry.”

“But you’re not saying –”

“Jack, all I’m saying is I don’t want TJ hurt and I already told him I don’t want him to hurt you.”

“Janie, I’m terrified. I know that he’s worried about his family. I’d like to tell him they don’t need to know for a while but he’s thinking of calling his dad today to talk to him about my problem. If he does that he’s opening his heart to damage.”

“Are you sure it’s not just sex Jack?” even asking Janie knew that it was a ridiculous question. She’d seen them together and yeah the attraction was strong but there was something else for them, why couldn’t it be love?

“I’m positive.” And Jack _was_ positive. He would go to the mat for this one. Nobody was going to be telling him he couldn’t be seen with, be with, or love TJ. Jack thought about how he felt, how he’d messed up with Joseph. He’d dreamed last night too. Joseph had been walking alongside him in silence and had smiled at him warmly before turning away from Jack and walking into the direction they’d just come from. Jack watched him walk through the cemetery and fade away. He’d then settled into dreamless sleep.

Jack leaned against the counter, looking at Janie who was regarding him, judging his words. He knew the look, but there was no malice in her judgment.

“You’re fresh off of heartbreak. Do you want to go there again?” she asked softly

“I’m not going to encounter heartbreak Janie. I won’t allow it. We’ll love each other and if we ever feel differently, we’ll be adult about it. We’ve talked about this briefly." Jack glanced at the time on the microwave, "It’s time I go make sure he doesn’t oversleep."

“Here, waking the bear is always easier with honey.” as she pulled the something she’d put into the oven back out. She handed him a plate with two fresh pastries and pulled two paper coffee cups from the microwave. “I thought you two could use some morning sustenance. Left it in the oven to keep warm. Wake him with that.” She planted a kiss on his cheek as he thanked her.

Jack put the food and coffee on the side table in the bedroom and leaned over to kiss TJ’s forehead. “Coffee’s ready kitten.” He smiled.

TJ rolled flat on his back and reached up for Jack to kiss him. “Coffee. You’re a godsend.”

“Sorry darlin’ not today. Janie thought of us both.” Jack smirked sitting at TJ’s side as TJ wriggled to sit up against the headboard.

Jack put the warm plate of pastries on TJ’s thigh and handed him a fork then handed him the coffee cup. TJ took a test sip for temperature then a long draw when he determined he wouldn’t ruin his taste buds for the next 3 or so days. “OK, now I can think about sweet stuff.” He said with less gruffness.

“Janie knows we said the words.” Jack said softly, “I told her so she could look out for both of our possible freak-outs.”

“You told her?” TJ’s eyes went wide as he carefully set his coffee cup on the night stand.

“I thought it would be best, yeah.” Jack’s fingers picked at his pastry.

“Jack, I’m proud! You are opening up.” TJ stilled Jack’s hand. “You don’t have a lot of people to tell yet but you didn’t really hesitate to tell the two people you do have. And that, my dear, is big news.”

“I’m pathetic.” Jack’s smile was small and short lived. “Two people.”

“And in the last year you had how many? You had none. One you were forced to be with and your jailors. Those don’t count. You have me.” TJ kissed Jack’s pout away. Jack tasted sweet ganache on TJ’s lips from his pastry. “Before that? Jack – how many before that?”

“Ok TJ, I’ve lived a lonely life, no need to beat me over the head with it.” Jack snapped at him, standing up and crossing the room.

“Honey– Jack, that’s not what I was saying! I want you to see how what you have _now_ is so much more important!” TJ set the plate of half-eaten baked goods to the side and followed Jack.

Jack was staring out the window at nothing. He felt TJ standing at his back and intentionally resisted leaning back.

TJ moved his hand to touch Jack’s shoulder and noticed the slight dip of avoidance. TJ lingered closely, his breath tickling Jack’s neck. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. You did something wonderful, you opened up your heart to someone and you announced it to someone else. Isn’t that beautiful Jack? Like the sun.”

Jack did lean back then. TJ wrapped his arms around Jack’s waist. “Not too bad.” Jack admitted his tone still a bit surly.

“Haven’t had your coffee yet?” TJ smiled into Jack’s neck. “C’mon baby, let’s take care of that mood before I have to leave you alone today.”

Jack let TJ pull him back to the coffee and pastries; he even gifted TJ with a small smile as Jack sat on the edge of the bed next to him. “TJ?”

“Yes Jack?” TJ looked up from the ganache covered treat he was picking pieces off of, Jack looked hesitant, “what is it baby?”

Jack took a deep sip from his cup before answering, not sure if he even should, but it felt right somehow to address TJ’s kindness. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome!” TJ gushed, reaching across and putting his hand on TJ’s calf, “I meant every word in the best possible way Jack.”

“I know you did TJ. It was all me. Loneliness is crushing, but I guess you know that.”

“So true. I may have been overseen by my damage-control-freak family, but I was so alone. Then I got Janie, and now you.”

“You’ve got your brother who calls and texts and checks on you. And whoever else has been texting that you’ve been ignoring.”

“That was yesterday. Yesterday was for us.” TJ reached for his phone. “Dougie; Dougie; here’s a link to a video – something mom said – from… Dougie. Some number I don’t know, again, and again. There, not ignoring anyone anymore.” TJ tossed the phone aside and leaned forward. He planted a kiss on Jack’s lips and Jack held TJ close with both hands cupping the back of his head.

“Smartass.” His lips quirked up and then he kissed TJ again. “You should start getting ready. You have songs to sell. Oh, and I was thinking. You could wait until next week to call your dad if it puts you more at ease.”

“Jack, that isn’t being fair to you, it belies all of the strength that I know you have as well as my own.”

“So you think I was trying to cop out?” Jack wasn’t surprised; he knew he was pretty transparent at this phase of his life.

“Yes. I do, and to spare me any discomfort.” TJ responded honestly.

“No, TJ, Jack Benjamin doesn’t spare people discomfort.” Jack tried it out as a joke. After all, he knew he still had some self improvement work to do.

“Bullshit.” TJ couldn’t say anything else in response to that. “You said you’d join me in the shower?”

“I did, but we’ve wasted all the time. I’ll join you but it’s going to be just to shower.”

“Rude.” TJ pushed Jack’s shoulder, big grin gracing his face.

“Sell your songs and we celebrate.” Jack offered, tugging TJ to his feet. “For now you get ready to impress. Play your songs with complete abandon and sell the shit out of them.”

TJ stood and pulled on his discarded pajama pants and let Jack pull him into the bathroom.

* * *

After a relatively quick shower – they were responsible and so what if they just washed each other, touching one another instead of themselves – TJ agonized for a more than a few minutes over what to wear. Fueled by his nervousness, TJ’s confidence flagged.

“TJ, you’re gorgeous, find a pair of pants that flatter your ass and build from there.” Jack offered, teasing lightly. He started pulling clothes out of TJ’s suitcase, initially feeling like a snoop. “Sorry, I should have asked.” He’d said and stepped away.

“No, Jack you’re fine.” TJ came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Jack’s shoulders and leaning his chin on his left shoulder. “Thank you.” TJ said lazily, not even bothering to lift up his chin to speak.

“Do you have faith in your songs TJ?”

“Of course, I’ve agonized over them enough it’s like I gave birth to them. Ok, maybe not fair to actual mothers but still. Yes. I do.”

“Ok, so find some clothes to sell the man because the music will sell itself to the right buyer. Remember that. The. Right. Buyer.”

“Thank you Jack. I’m going to tell you something right now. Please listen before you say anything.”

“You got it.” Jack turned to face TJ and stepped back from him, standing about an arm’s length from him, holding TJ’s hands in his.

“It’s not about the clothes. I want a hit **so bad** right now.” Tears peeked at the corner of TJ’s eyes. “I’m scared. Terrified of rejection. Terrified I’ll fail to even **get to** the building I need to go to.”

Jack stepped a half step closer and cupped TJ’s face in his hands. “You’ll get there because you really don’t want that hit as much as you want your sobriety. You told me that and I believe you. You’ll get to that building because you want to sell TJ Hammond as someone he’s made for himself. You’ll be the one picking and choosing who **gets to buy** your music. You won’t get rejected. Anyone who won’t see you or hear your gift is an undeserving fool and an exercise in who you don’t want to associate with. Not a rejection.”

“I don’t think I can go alone.”

“Yes, you can. Do you know why? Well first there’s 18 months (and what some days?) of sobriety. Because you singlehandedly rescued a fugitive from the hands of TSA agents. You drew me out of my deep, dark shell. If you can do even **one** of those things, then you can take a train to a business meeting. Because, TJ, you want to succeed so badly that you’ve finally decided not to let things stand in your way. Not even yourself.”

Jack started setting pieces of clothing together on the bed.

“Here, if you hate my choices, _I won’t care_ , I’ll watch you pick something else and I’ll find something to compliment about it, because I think you’re pretty fucking flawless. I do think these pants look amazing, I imagine even more amazing on you. I like this shirt because it compliments your eyes. Do this thing. This one thing for TJ.”

TJ wrapped his arms around Jack so tightly Jack had to adjust his breathing. “Thank you Jack, thank you, thank you.” He held tight for just a few moments more.

“You can thank me by going, doing what you’ve gone to do and coming back so we can celebrate your achievement. Come, let’s get you dressed.”

* * *

On the train, TJ sat fidgeting, remembering Jack’s kindness. It would be so easy to just get off at the next stop and find someone who knew someone. Didn’t they know that the subway was as bad as a night club? Couldn’t they see he was riding into his own destruction.

“Stop it TJ.” He muttered softly. “You’ve got this.” TJ took a deep breath and pulled out his phone.

                TJ: “Janie? I’m freaking out. Tell Jack I can’t stop thinking about what he said though.”

                Janie: “TJ. I’ll tell him. Remember to breathe. In… out… repeat.”  
                Janie: “TJ, it’s Jack. I love you, you’ve got this [kitten emoji].”

                TJ: “Yeah baby… I’ve got this. [smile emoji]  
                TJ: “Thanks Janes.”

TJ let a small smile linger as he looked at the texts from Doug. _Mom’s getting impatient you should really call her_ , was the basic gist of the four texts. The video was a link to some engagement she’d spoken at. That he had initially told her he’d attend with her. “Nice play Dougie. Ass.” TJ sighed to himself. To Douglas he texted, “hey asshole. Guilt trips are on my list of things to avoid.”

The next texts he looked at were the unknown number. He was afraid to look at them, recognizing the area code as a DC number, what if it was an old contact? “Fuck that.” He muttered to himself, he was all the way in New York – he was untouchable. He opened the series of messages.

                Xxxx: “Mr. Hammond, I’d like to talk with you about your recent experience at JFK.”

TJ’s fingers trembled as he scrolled.  
                Xxxx: “My client is looking for the man whose identity you were accused of stealing, any information you can provide would be helpful.”

TJ nearly dropped his phone, immediately fearful for Jack’s safety and maybe a little concerned about his own. He even looked around him, and then shook his head at the action.  
                Xxxx: “Please call me at your earliest convenience.”

TJ’s stomach lurched. Two things, this person knew his name and had his number **and** TJ had nowhere to turn. “Wait. Breathe TJ.” He sighed. “Call them. Answer questions. After you call your father.” He coached himself softly.

TJ thought about what would happen in the phone calls all the way to his stop. As he emerged from the underground he took a deep breath of air and pushed the call button on his father’s contact.

                Bud: “TJ, it’s about time you called, your mother has been worried sick. Are you ok son?”

                TJ: “Yeah, Dad. I’m safe and clean. I can’t deal with mom right now, but I really need your help. You have to hear me out though.”

                Bud: “What’d you do boy?”

TJ cringed.

                TJ: “I met someone. He’s in trouble though and I really want to help him.”

                Bud: “TJ. You can’t stay clean if you keep surrounding yourself with people – ”

                TJ: “Dad. Dad! It’s not like that. Please, would you just listen for a minute?”

                Bud: “Ok, son. I’m listenin’.”

TJ heard rustling on the other end and muffled voices then everything sounded clear.

                TJ: “Dad, I need you to help my friend, he’s seeking asylum.”

                Bud: “Oh God TJ what did you get yourself mixed up in?”

                TJ: “I know Dad. He was abused, he’s in danger from the government of his home country. He’s a fugitive fleeing for his life. You have to help.”

                Bud: “TJ this sounds suspicious, this boy is using you.”

                TJ: “It’s really not like that – I saw he needed help and I volunteered before I knew what kind of help he needed. I approached him,  
                not the other way around. It’s Jack Benjamin, dad. Prince of Gilboa, he’s been –”

The sharp breath on the other end stopped him mid-sentence.

                Bud: “TJ I know what he did. And I have heard rumors of how he was punished. Do you know where he is right now?”

                TJ: “Dad. I know but I won’t tell you if you mean to hurt him or send him back. I’ll find a way to hide him or – or something to keep him safe from harm.”

                Bud: “Slow down boy. I don’t agree with what was done to him and I won’t be turning him over to anyone. Is he safe?”

                TJ: “he’s safe dad. Does that mean you’ll help us?” TJ stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, not caring who bustled past or cursed him. “Please? Can you help Jack?”

                Bud: “TJ. What is he to you?”

                TJ: “he’s my friend. He needs help, he can’t go back, they’ll kill him.”

TJ swiped at tears, proud that his voice only sort of sounded like he was crying.

                TJ: “Does it matter what he is to me? Can’t you help no matter what? For me?”

                Bud: “Son, I’ll do everything I can. I give you my word. Are you safe?”

                TJ: “Yeah dad. I’m clean, I’m safe. I’m on my way to talk to someone about buying anywhere from one to four of my own original songs. Wish me luck?”

                Bud: “I would wish you luck if I thought you needed it. You go get’em son.”

                TJ: “Dad… Thanks.”

                Bud: “I’ll need to meet that boy.”

                TJ: “Yeah, I know. Sooner rather than later.”

TJ resumed his walk, punching the call button on the mystery number.

                Xxxx: “Sam Wilson, is this TJ Hammond?”

                TJ: “Hello, yes. You said you needed to ask me some questions, will this take long? I’m on my way to a meeting.

                Sam: “I was wondering if you could tell me about the man at the airport, James Barnes?”

                TJ: “A fake ID. Guy using it had a face similar to mine. Nice guy, a little tormented. A little scared. He’s seeking  
                asylum from his government. What else did you need to know?”

                Sam: “Do you know where he is now?”

                TJ: “Yeah, I do. He’s in a safe place and he’s not seeing visitors.

                Sam: “Mr. Hammond, are you familiar with Steve Rogers? He’s looking for James Barnes and would be very relieved to know he’s safe.”

                TJ: “Mr. Wilson, you didn’t hear me, those documents were fake. The man using them is not James Barnes, whoever that is. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to tell Captain Rogers that you’ve hit another dead end. Wait. Back up, Captain Rogers and… James Barnes? As in Bucky Barnes? No. Just No. That’s ridiculous, Bucky Barnes is dead Mr. Wilson.”

                Sam: “Long story. I’m sure Captain Rogers would be interested in talking to your friend, if you could arrange it. Maybe he knows someone who knows someone – after all, he was using the man’s ID.”

                TJ: “I can’t speak for my friend. I’ll tell him what you said. Can I tell him he’s not going to be deported and killed for his “good deeds”?”

                Sam: “Look man, whatever that means, I can guarantee Steve and I would have no part in that.”

                TJ: “Ok. I’ll pass it on. I might be in touch again. If you don’t hear from me, the answer was “no”.”

                Sam: “Fair enough. Thank you for contacting me; this has been a long process.”

                TJ: “If the guy doesn’t want to be found, I hope he gets his wish. Sorry, he must have something he wants to keep for himself.”

                Sam: “I hear what you’re saying, but his best friend thinks he needs to have someone who’s got his back. Thank you Mr. Hammond. I hope I hear from you again.”

TJ looked around as he ended the call, discovering he was closer to his destination than he’d thought. Distracting, stressful phone calls aside, not a bad achievement since not too long ago he’d been entertaining dark thoughts.

“That was actually the hard part, TJ. This should be a breeze.” He coached himself.

                TJ: “Janie? Jack? I’m going in.”

                Janie: “knock’em dead Teej” [photo attachment]

TJ laughed at the ridiculous selfie of Janie and Jack giving thumbs up signs.

* * *

As TJ left the apartment, Jack’s heart seemed to constrict – he had pushed all of his faith out the door with TJ, wanting him to know how much he absolutely believed, so as soon as the door closed with all of Jack’s faith following TJ into the city, Jack collapsed against the door.

“Please god. I don’t ask you for a damned thing because I know you’ve condemned me for eternity, but for TJ – please keep him on track. Don’t allow him to deviate. He’s so frightened and he’s out there alone. Brave as any soldier ever but he’s fragile and alone now. Be with him like you were never with me. Hold TJ and keep him safe until he comes home.”

Janie wasn’t meant to hear Jack’s prayer but she did. She didn’t let it be secret either because her heart broke for Jack. She pulled him into her arms.

“Jack, you’re not forsaken, you aren’t.” she buried her tears in his chest. “You love TJ so much, how did I not realize just how much? You are not forsaken.”

Jack wept silently in Janie’s arms, up against the door. He kept repeating his pleas in his heart, willing TJ a safe journey into the grit and grime of the city.

“So,” Jack sniffed once his tears let up, “You don’t work today?”

“I took the morning off, girls’ night got crazy, but I think I need the day, I think I need to be available, in case….”

“He won’t, Janie.”

“He might need me. I know he won’t. I have faith, but he might need me. He might need **you** and you don’t have a phone. He’ll contact you through me.”

“So you’re stuck with me, is that what you’re saying?”

“You’re stuck with me. That’s what I’m saying.” Janie grinned. "So, we should at least sit. Did TJ look super-hot when you closed the door behind him?”

“I almost kept him here.” Jack’s mouth turned up and his eyes crinkled as he sank into the sofa. “The view as he walked away, though, was worth letting him out of the apartment.”

Janie laughed, settling in next to Jack, putting her head on his arm that he’d put across the sofa back. “If this is what parenting is like, I’m glad they’re at least full grown.”

“They?”

“I sponsor one other person, a young girl. She’s got a better support system so I don’t field as much garbage as I do with TJ. But now that he’s my roommate – and heck there’s you too. You’re all squeezing my heart and you all give it joy. Like I said, at least – well, no diaper duty.” She chuckled.

“You lucked out then. So, you loved TJ from the start too, huh?”

“Oh yeah, how could I not? Not in the same way, of course. I adore TJ. But I can see how you fell so hard, so fast. He’s beautiful. I don’t just mean looking at him. Have you seen the sunshine? When he laughs? He’s radiant.”

“Yes.” Jack sighed. “He’s absolutely beautiful, radiant is perfect to describe TJ.”

“I saw your sketches – those were your handiwork right?” Janie felt Jack nod against the sofa back, “They’re beautiful, Jack. Would you draw me?”

“You trying to distract me Janie?”

“And maybe myself.” She assented.

“I don’t know how I got lucky enough to have two very inspiring models as roommates.” Jack chuckled, standing to retrieve the pad and pencil from the piano.

“I didn’t know you drew, you neglected to share that info.”

Jack started rough, TJ said he thought it was a style, Jack just saw it as an exercise. He pulled a memory of Janie from the diner, sun glinting off her curls. He sketched her now, her hair in a braid, “I didn’t. I learned, studied art as a requirement, dropped it and never looked back, until yesterday when there was a spark.”

“TJ” Janie smiled. “TJ’s a spark alright, it’s just a shame his damned family doesn’t recognize it and light him up the right way.”

“You don’t like them.”

“I’ve never met them, but he’s something else when he’s been with them. Broken in ways I can’t imagine. He feels like a disappointment, so many people have made him feel like that.”

Jack sketched Janie with her head tilted, the wistful look in her eyes softening her smile, sad but hopeful.

“Sean.”

“Oh I’ve met that bastard. He was at a restaurant TJ and I had been seated, TJ had a rough night and I called him out for breakfast. I had to do a lot of talking to get him there but I knew he hadn’t had a good meal in a while. So there we were, on the patio, TJ had his sunglasses on against the sun. He looked so haggard and was aware of it and so brave to join me in spite of it. We took an outside seat because he felt claustrophobic more than he was concerned about prying eyes.

So this fake ass bastard walks past the patio. “TJ! Surprised to see you here.” Mind you, he’d heard about TJ’s suicide attempt and he’d heard about his breakdown at the club – because his fucking ass didn’t bother to show after leading TJ to think it could happen. Maybe the guy had intentions, maybe he didn’t but he didn’t show. “Maybe you shouldn’t be out in public looking strung out.” The bastard mutters. “If you’re trying to fit in, could do better than a two bit whore.” He laughed with his fucking friends. Probably fucking them and stringing them along too.”

“What on earth? TJ’s not the kind of guy to – what did he see in him?”

“I guess he was nice, sweet when they started seeing each other, of course he was attractive. I’d like to make him a little less attractive.” Janie balled up a fist and twisted it in front of  her face with a grimace. Jack sketched that too.

“So, Asshole. TJ took it –?”

“He put on his best armor, you know practice and all that. He closed his heart a little. He cancelled on his mother. He stayed clean. He might have cried on my shoulder later that day but not in front of Reeves. We’ve been together for good days too. So many recently, I’m so proud of him.”

“But you’re worried.”

“Yes.” Janie sighed. “He’s nervous, he’s had a couple of events in the last few days,”

“Since I came into the picture.” Jack looked up from his drawing. “I would change that. If I could.”

“You’ll do that how? Jack it wasn’t you. Before he boarded the flight he had serious doubts. Events happened and he came through it. Tell me something, you didn’t know him. If he’d had the cab driver divert so he could score would you have told him “hey maybe you shouldn’t”?”

“No.” The Jack that knew people like TJ and Janie for two days would have, Jack was sure of it, but not that day.

“So he had nothing but his strength keeping him straight. You surely threw him for a loop with the whole thing but he figured, you know what, I think I’ll help this guy, even if I feel twitchy. Then, of his own free will, under his own steam, he forced himself to come here and he did it with a smile. You haven’t caused him pain Jack. You’ve made him smile.”

Just then Janie’s phone chimed, “and there’s our boy now. A reassurance is most likely needed. I’m guessing he just got off the train.”

                TJ: “Janie? I’m freaking out. Tell Jack I can’t stop thinking about what he said though.”

                Janie: “TJ. I’ll tell him. Remember to breathe. In… out… repeat.”

Janie held the phone out to Jack and smiled when he lit up. He took the phone when she waved it in his direction.         

                Janie: “TJ, it’s Jack. I love you, you’ve got this [kitten emoji].”

Janie giggled over his shoulder, he really hoped it was over the love thing and not the cat thing because TJ would kill him.

                TJ: “Yeah baby… I’ve got this. [smile emoji]  
                TJ: “Thanks Janes.”

Jack handed Janie her phone back. “Simple as a text message?”

“If it were worse he’d have called. He would call even in a panic attack. We’ve drilled the situation enough. Text means comfort, phone call means rescue.”

“He did mention that, so he’s a bit of a mess right now but he’s a functional mess.”

“With no urgent plans to destroy his sobriety.” Janie agreed. “So, you going to finish that drawing or what?”

They settled back in, talking and Jack drawing. Each time a feature made him struggle or he wasn’t sure he could capture the light correctly; he could exercise his skill with small rough sketch busts depicting Janie’s personality.

“Ok, it’s finished. It’s nothing though.” He really needed to stop doing that. “Ok, it’s not nothing. It was rather simple to do, you’re lovely Janie.”

Janie flushed to think that the beautiful sketch was what he thought she looked like. Surely he’d trimmed some fat from her jaw line and slenderized her nose a bit. He did seem to capture her eyes though, she thought, she agreed with many people who said her eyes were her best feature. “Jack! It’s – you made me look pretty!”

“Janie, you _are_ pretty. Your beauty was one of the first things that captured my attention.” There was the chink in her armor. Getting high after school, probably to fit in because she didn’t feel pretty enough to make her mark, Jack mused. “You’re beautiful, trust me, I’ve met and debauched many beautiful women. Yes me.” He smirked at her look of surprise. “Remember, I had to put up appearances.”

“Nobody’s ever called me pretty, let alone beautiful.” Janie blushed.

“You’re even lovelier when you blush.” Jack only half teased.

Janie’s phone chimed again. “Oh Tj, he’s back… come on sweetheart you got this.” She said unlocking her phone.

                TJ: “Janie? Jack? I’m going in.”

“Let’s send him a picture of us being ridiculously supportive!!” She laughed. She framed a selfie of the two of them giving a hearty thumbs up and attached it to her message.

                Janie: “knock’em dead Teej”

* * *

“So James Barnes is a real person.” Jack sighed as TJ started telling him all about the texts and the call.

“Yeah, not _just_ a real person, but a real fucking American hero – from the 1940’s. Someone who shares our fucking face.” TJ frowned at the images on the laptop screen. “I’d never really thought of it. Growing up you just look like a kid, you know? And then you get your adult face, and you look and think, ‘it’s not so bad. The guys and the girls seem to like it.’ Now this guy, who just happens to be Captain-Fucking-America’s best friend and we – we’re neck deep in some kind of crazy now.”

“I swear I have never seen this man. I’m not this man. I’m so confused.”

“This Wilson guy, he said that – I can’t believe I’m even saying it – Steve Rogers would like to talk to you, probably ask you about how you got the papers, I’m guessing.”

“Captain America. Even I’ve heard of him. You met him?”

“I saw him at some function. We didn’t really meet though. I was making myself scarce. He was really quiet.” TJ allowed himself an extra thought about just how hot Steve Rogers was. “Hot as hell.”

“Hey!” Jack objected before settling against TJ on the sofa. “No really, he’s hot. Do you think I should talk to him, do you believe Wilson? Are we safe?”

“As far as I know, yeah. My dad says he’ll help. Seemed to be privy to some kind of info about you, real concern came from him about if you were safe. I don’t want to say it but it kind of made me jealous he seemed interested in your safety over mine.”

“Maybe he wants to ransom me.” Jack teased.

“Don’t _even_ joke about something like that Jack.” TJ said firmly, turning to look at Jack. “I’ve fought my family for less. I’ll go to battle for you.”

“OK, so, sweet thought,” Jack said earnestly, “but you’re no soldier and I want to keep it that way. Wilson and Rogers. Yes?”

“If you want. I think we both feel pretty safe here, and I’m pretty sure they won’t sell us out to your government – you’re going to have to be transparent about that – so should we just have them meet us here?”

“If I do get deported, at least they’ll know where to find me.” This time it wasn’t a joke, Jack was white, his lips barely tinged pink.

TJ held his arms open and Jack curled into his chest, “I’ll go to battle for you baby.” TJ said firmly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ok I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” TJ sobered, “Ok… Just remember, I’m here, I’ll be with you. Draw your strength from me when you need to. It’s not like it’s going to be tonight.”
> 
> “If he’s anxious for answers it might be!”
> 
> “His friend’s in DC, he probably is too.”
> 
> “His friend’s from DC. He could be here – after all, they know I came into New York.”
> 
> “They’re not coming until you say they can come. Tomorrow, next week, I won’t arrange it around their schedule. Only yours, sweetheart.” TJ rubbed his thumb along the back of Jack’s hand. “Let me make the call, right here, right now. Speaker phone?”
> 
> “Yes, please. Hey. Not next week ok? I don’t want to drag this out.”

* * *

Jack felt all of the love flooding him when TJ cuddled his terror away. He knew once this feeling had mellowed he’d be able to deal more rationally with the idea that this much-unknown thing loomed on the horizon.

Jack pulled himself away from TJ’s embrace, feeling a little chill upon being away from the warmth that had surrounded him.

“Jack?” TJ asked sleepily, apparently Jack hadn’t been the only one to doze.

“I’m ok TJ. Thank you for being so strong for my weak moments.”

“Jack, baby. Of course. You were there for mine.” TJ kissed Jack’s, thankfully no longer pasty white, cheeks.”

“So – how about the meeting?” Jack sat back against the corner of the sofa, turned to face TJ.

“Well, it was, _different(_?)” 

> When TJ walked into the office, it was less polished than he’d expected, certainly not the glass and steel the outside of the building boasted. This office had the prerequisite oversized desk and power chair. The other side of the desk boasted no chairs. Hmm, so the desk was functional and not for intimidation. TJ could deal with that.
> 
> The executive assistant who had ushered TJ into the office to wait instead of leaving him in the outer office had been refreshing, he had the hipster style but not the affronted attitude. He was louder than you’d expect in an office environment, with a booming voice and rowdy laugh at his own jokes as well as TJ’s nervous ones. He’d offered TJ tea, coffee, or soda and TJ requested water.
> 
> “Yeah, we have that too.” The tall slender man with the beard and glasses boomed with a chuckle. TJ couldn’t help but smile, which helped with the edginess. “So. Will you need the sound system?” He asked as he handed TJ a very icy cold bottle of water. “Are you a lyricist or?”
> 
> “Oh, I’ve got some crude files – unless Mr. Oakson would allow me to play?” TJ gestured the baby grand across the room.
> 
> ‘Call-me-Tyler’ put a hand to his chest in mock surprise, “You play?! Forgive me, you’d be surprised how many song writers have come through who don’t play. Don’t get me wrong they have some of the damnedest lyrics. I usually have to queue up the sound system. Mr. Oakson will be refreshed to hear a musician play him their music.”
> 
> “Is that what it’s come to? Prerecorded music and lyrics with no backup?”
> 
> “A majority of the time. Technology has spoiled many artists.” Tyler smiled before heading to the door, “Feel free to practice, I believe Mr. Oakson will be just a few minutes more. Probably held up at the coffee shop.”
> 
> Yeah, Tyler was talkative, but he was nice. Reasonably attractive too, TJ mused. Anything to keep his mind occupied. He wandered over to the piano to try to pull out some more of the newest, ‘Sunday Song’, in case he felt brave enough to share it without any of the edits he knew he wanted to make. TJ opened the record app and started Sunday Song (to be renamed when he had a chance to think about it) from the top.
> 
> TJ had been so engrossed in fixing this or arranging that and playing the tune that he didn’t notice when Bill Oakson came into the office. He didn’t notice the man walk to the large desk to his left and set a large coffee down. TJ didn’t notice the man he was waiting for whose office he was waiting in cross the space and lean on the piano. So when he finished, uninterrupted, to the applause of one man TJ jumped at the sound.
> 
> “I’m sorry sir.” TJ rose and sidled out from between the bench and the piano. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
> 
> “Nonsense.” The tall slender man said, grasping TJ’s hand and shaking it, “You must be TJ Hammond. If you’re not you’re in the wrong office.” The man quipped.
> 
> TJ smiled at the ridiculous joke. “Yes, sir.”
> 
> “Please have a seat, I assume you’ll be playing your offerings?”
> 
> TJ wasn’t exactly accustomed to such straightforward dealings, oh right, politics. Not the same thing. He sat back down on the piano bench, straddling it to face the dark haired man. This man’s beard was groomed, not as long as Tyler’s had been. Mr. Oakson also didn’t affect the hipster garb. He was dressed in tailored clothing but they were casual, jeans and a fitted tee shirt with a sleek pair of boots.
> 
> “Yes sir.” TJ said again.
> 
> “If we’re going to get as intimate as music from your soul, the least we can do is be on a first name basis, wouldn’t you say, TJ?”
> 
> “Yes sir, yes. Thank you, Bill” TJ had a terrible time turning off the drilled in down-south “sir” politeness. “I hope you’ll forgive me if I slip, I was raised to call elders and people of status Sir and Ma’am.”
> 
> Bill laughed. “Of course. I do understand, but my father is “Mr. Oakson” and my grandfather is “Sir.” – Military. So TJ. Was that thing of beauty one of the pieces we would be discussing?”
> 
> “It’s hardly ready for presentation, I only came up with it yesterday. There were just things I felt needed to be corrected and I do better keeping my hands busy than perusing magazines.”
> 
> “Piano doesn’t see enough play, I’m glad it could help you work through things and pass the time. May I hear one of the presentation-ready pieces then?”
> 
> “Certainly.” TJ slid into place again, “I want to apologize in advance if they end up running together. I’ve been playing them over and over and sometimes one bleeds into another. I’ll do my best to avoid that.”
> 
> TJ started playing, offering the songs in the same order he’d played them for Janie and Jack.
> 
> At the end of the third song, Bill lowered himself to the floor with his back against his desk. “TJ. I really like what I’ve heard.” He said earnestly, resting his arms on his knees, talking with his hands. “I don’t want to buy your songs. What I would love to do instead is to pair you with a lyricist to collaborate for an artist that I believe would fit your style. You would write the music, sometimes for a set bunch of lyrics. Sometimes the lyricist would write the words to complement your music. You would retain songwriting credit and royalties in addition to being paid per piece.”
> 
> TJ was flattered and confused and excited all at once.
> 
> “Now, I don’t expect you to walk out of here having given me your answer, just maybe give me a strong “I’ll think about it.” Because you really should think about it. This is more than 2 or 3 songs.
> 
> “I know you’ve got access to an army of lawyers so I’m not going to pretend they won’t be combing over whatever offer I present so I want to make you the most transparent and fair offer and I encourage you to engage with those attorneys before you make your decision. If you give them my number we can take care of sending them the contract I would offer you.”
> 
> TJ felt an urge to stand up for his music and asked for clarification, “Would that include my retaining the rights to my music, both as collaborations **and** as a separate entity from its combination with the lyrics? Being on the payroll, so to speak, I wouldn’t want to lose the ability to perform or play my music because of a contract. I’ve heard of companies owning artists’ art or coders’ software that they created on “company time”. I wouldn’t agree to that where my music is concerned.”
> 
> “We both know I can just about say anything right now. What I’ll tell you, instead, is this, think about the offer and we’ll meet to negotiate any contract your representatives receive until it’s to your liking if you decide to accept my offer.” Bill rose gracefully from his position on the floor.
> 
> “Thank you, sir.” TJ shook the man’s hand. “I will have my representative contact you.”

“So, are you going to take their offer?” Jack leaned forward in excitement.

“I haven’t even seen their offer Jack.” TJ chuckled. “I have an appointment on Wednesday for a different meeting with someone regarding some Broadway work. I’ll see how I feel about today by then. I might still have to line up more meetings – I’m not going to put all my hope on this one offer.”

“Wise.” Jack kissed TJ lightly on the mouth.

“When did you say Janie would be back?” TJ purred into the kiss.

“I didn’t say when, just that she had to run to meet her other protégé and take in a meeting. I think she should be home with dinner before too long. So… No.” Jack smirked before kissing TJ again. “While you wait, maybe you should get back to that Sam Wilson guy.”

“Are you sure Jack?”

“Yeah, they’re looking for somebody who might need to be found. I can’t imagine Captain America would force his friend to do anything he didn’t want to do, but he could be in trouble and need the help.”

“You seem certain.”

“I thought about it. Who knew I had the documents? They were flawless. What if they were a message? I mean what are the chances someone would use the name of a man who should be dead but isn’t – and is being sought by Captain America? I didn’t pick the name; I just made the right contact. I extorted the documents from someone with a secret. Who’s to say what layers of secrets were in place that I didn’t know of?”

“Do I dare ask what kind of secret?”

“Same as mine. How do you think I knew it? I told you I’ve done ugly things TJ.”

“I know baby. I was just curious.”

“How the fuck do I confess that shit to Steve-Fucking-Rogers?” Jack asked, “He’s going to pound me into the ground.”

TJ couldn’t stop it, he snickered. He tried to regain his composure but instead ended up laughing mercilessly in silence, as if silence would make the laugh more acceptable.

“TJ!” Jack exclaimed, “I didn’t mean it like that – though that is preferable.” Jack managed to laugh just a little bit in the face of TJ’s mirth.

“Ok I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” TJ sobered, “Ok… Just remember, I’m here, I’ll be with you. Draw your strength from me when you need to. It’s not like it’s going to be tonight.”

“If he’s anxious for answers it might be!”

“His friend’s in DC, he probably is too.”

“His friend’s **from** DC. He could be here – after all, they _know_ I came into New York.”

“They’re not coming until you say they can come. Tomorrow, next week, I won’t arrange it around their schedule. Only yours, sweetheart.” TJ rubbed his thumb along the back of Jack’s hand. “Let me make the call, right here, right now. Speaker phone?”

“Yes, please. Hey. Not next week ok? I don’t want to drag this out.”

TJ hit send on the contact for Sam Wilson, he’d looked him up too, military. Wings. The Falcon. Yeah he should have known the name.

                Sam: “TJ Hammond.”

The voice was much more casual, much less formal than this morning.

                TJ: “Yes Sir.”

                Sam [laughing]: “That’s not necessary. Call me Sam. Tell me you have good news.”

                TJ: “Sam, I don’t know if I have good news or not. What I do know is that my friend has agreed to meet with Captain Rogers, on our terms.”

                Sam: “Mr. Hammond? TJ? This is Steve Rogers. I need to know – is what you told Sam true. The documents were fake?”

                TJ: “Yes Sir. My friend was in trouble and needed papers – he is still in danger, he’ll agree to meet with you if you guarantee you won’t do anything to threaten his safety. No, sir, he’s not your James Barnes.”

                Steve: “TJ, I need you to be honest, I saw footage, and he looks very much like Bucky.”

                TJ: “Sir, I hate to tell you this, but he looks very much like me as well. It seems we’ve gotten caught up in something we can’t explain. Captain? Your friend, he has a metal prosthetic right? I can confirm no prostheses.”

TJ took Jack’s hand in his, resuming rubbing his thumb across the back of Jack’s trembling hand. “it’s ok baby.” He mouthed. Jack smiled, thinking just how lucky he was and hoping he was going to get to keep some of that luck.

                Steve: “I’d still appreciate meeting, maybe we can come up with some ideas. Maybe we missed something.”

                TJ: “Sir? We’d just been discussing that and wondered if maybe the documents weren’t a message somehow.”

TJ had to offer something, the Captain sounded so despondent.

                Steve: “TJ, please stop calling me Sir, and thank you for that little bit of hope. I also hope by the time we meet you will call me Steve.”

                TJ: “I’d consider it an honor. Is tomorrow or Thursday better for you?”

Jack cringed at “tomorrow” but this wasn’t going so badly and the man sounded forlorn, not raging. He figured either day would be ok and nodded at TJ when he looked at him for approval.

                Steve: “Tomorrow would be great, where would you like to meet?”

                TJ: “Would you come to our apartment?”

                Steve: “That sounds perfect. Thank you again TJ, and please tell your friend I’m grateful.”

                TJ: “It’s the least we can do. I’ll text Sam the address. How does 11 AM work for you?”

                Steve: “11 AM will be just fine. I’ll see you then.”

 

“So.” Jack sighed after the call disconnected, “tomorrow.”

TJ pulled Jack into him and kissed his temple, “tomorrow. I didn’t want to pile it onto my meetings on Wednesday. I kind of hoped he’d go for Thursday, but then I should have given him that only option.”

“No, I would have just had to bear up through the extra days as a nervous wreck. Tomorrow’s the best option for him and for us.” Jack pulled TJ over him and kissed him deeply, “Make me forget, TJ.”

TJ unfolded from around Jack and stood, held a hand out and Jack took it. He led him to the bedroom wordlessly.

Inside the bedroom, TJ unbuttoned his shirt then pulled Jack to him by his tee shirt for a kiss. Jack slipped his hands up TJ’s abdomen and around his back under the shirt, pulling TJ closer and intensifying the kiss with urgent thrust of his tongue and sensual pulls against TJ’s tongue when it entered his mouth. TJ tugged at the hem of Jack’s shirt and bunched it up on his arms as his hands roamed up Jack’s chest. His hands stopped as his thumbs encountered Jack’s pert nipples. Jack groaned into TJ’s mouth as TJ’s thumbs flicked over them and then again when TJ rolled them between his thumb and forefinger, applying pressure and then rolling them.

Jack’s hips surged forward against TJ’s, and he moved his hands down to grasp TJ’s hips and hold him to him. TJ ground against Jack’s pelvis, his arousal trapped in his jeans throbbing along the zipper of his fly and the length of Jack’s evident erection. TJ sucked back a yelp when Jack bit down on his lip at the friction. Jack pressed harder against TJ pushing him up against the wall and grinding their hips together.

“Jack.” TJ’s words were getting lost in the lust and in Jack’s mouth, TJ pulled Jack’s hips against his and rocked his hips to increase the contact and the friction. His cock strained inside the rugged fabric of his jeans. Frantically he reached for Jack’s waistband and had his hand swatted away. “Jack I want to touch you.”

“Wait.” Jack pressed his pelvis against TJ’s firmer, and faster.

“Ungh – Jack – I can’t – touch me Jack.” TJ stuttered with the rhythm Jack set, his voice sounded strained and he was so close to going over.

Jack mirrored TJ’s ministrations, teasing the pebbled nipples on TJ’s exposed chest. He dipped and rocked his hips up and down against TJ against the wall feeling his leaking cock press against the zipper and layers of fabric.

He kissed TJ’s neck and jaw while fishing something out of his hip pocket, he took TJ’s hands and kissed his fingers. He squirted lube onto TJ’s palms and dragged it across his fingers slowly, “Now, baby. Free them both and jack them together in those beautiful hands.”

Jack unfastened both waistbands at the same time one hand on each. Jack pushed TJ’s garments away and down his ass then did the same with his own, TJ touched Jack’s hip, slowly trailing a finger along the line there before gripping them both in one hand and pulling Jack’s face closer for an urgent kiss, thrusting into his mouth as he stroked them erratically.

“Slow down kitten.” Jack chuckled at the corner of TJ’s mouth. “Slow strokes baby, long and even. Use both hands.”

TJ slowed with a whine, Jack sucked TJ’s tongue into his mouth as a reward.

“More baby, more.” Jack encouraged on a groan, “faster TJ.”

TJ was so caught up in the sound of Jack’s groaning and his own, their panting and curses, as Jack’s words caught up to him he chuckled “you fucking told me to slow down” He ground out as his hands sped and he could feel the tension as it broke and Jack thrust against him and his climax coated them both just before TJ’s own release.

TJ dipped his forehead on Jack’s shoulder while Jack sucked a mark on TJ’s neck where it met his shoulder.

They both looked up when they heard the front door slam. “Shit. Janie. Dinner.” TJ groaned. “We gotta.”

“Yeah. We gotta.” Jack agreed, swiping his stained shirt up over his head and using it to wipe away the evidence on both of them.

TJ shucked off his shirt and turned to his suitcase, which was lying closed and tucked away in the closet. He looked up to see his clothes hanging alongside Jack’s. “Baby? You unpacked for me?” he pulled Jack close and kissed him. “How domestic of you.” He winked.

“Shut the fuck up.” Jack blushed at the grateful sound of the soft voice TJ used, he hugged him to him before stepping away to find another shirt.

“Oh Fine.” TJ grinned, “Thank you Jack, I’ve been distracted, that was the most thoughtful thing anyone has done for me.” TJ tugged a tee shirt from the dresser and quickly pulled it on and down over his belly.

Jack faltered pulling his shirt over his head, warmed by the compliment. “Of course TJ.” He said softly, “You’re welcome kitten.”

“So! How did your day go TJ?” Janie called from the kitchen when they came out of the bedroom. Jack still flushed and felt strange that she knew what they were up to and that she wasn’t about to charge at him with harsh accusations. He knew the feeling would go away but it’s only been a few days. He was ok to be nervous still, right?

“It has been an adventure. Let’s talk about it over dinner, this looks as good as it smells! Pasta Jack!” TJ grinned, sounding like an excited child.

“Pasta and garlic bread from heaven and salad because I care about your health.” Janie said on a laugh. “Here, carry this to the “table”, Jack, watch this one, it’s hot stuff.”

“You’d know.” Jack teased.

The trio pulled up to the coffee table sitting cross-legged or on knees and started filling plates. “Which crazy do you want to start with? The reason I was out or my phone adventures?” TJ asked around a bite of pasta.

“TJ – you haven’t been in New York long enough to have such table manners!” Janie teased.

“I assimilate quickly.” He said twirling a length of pasta between his fork and bread. “I’ll tell you about the business first. If you can excuse my hunger-motivated lack of manners.”

“TJ did you eat anything today?”

“Sure, the pastry you gave me.” TJ blushed, “or some of it. It’s been a day Janie… I didn’t even think about food.”

“Well don’t make a habit of that.” She scowled at him.

“I know, Janes. I won’t. I’m eating now!” he grinned, toasting her with his garlic bread.

“Jack? We’re going to have to pack him a lunch the next time he decides to get out on a business venture.”

“We’ll also have to set an alarm to remind him.” Jack winked at TJ. “No, seriously Janie, when you hear about his wild day, you’ll see why TJ might not have even thought about food.” 

* * *

“Seriously TJ? On the day I have to go to work? _That_ is the day you choose to have Captain-Fucking-America over for what? Brunch?” Janie gathered her jacket and umbrella before grabbing TJ by the shirt front and kissing his cheeks. “I’m kidding. You guys going to be ok? I know you’ll be fine.”

She tugged at Jack’s arm where he was leaning on the sofa and pulled him into a hug. “You’ll be fine.”

“So,” Jack sighed into her soft curls, “if I’m not forsaken like you say, then pray for me.”

“Sweetheart, I do every night.” She kissed his forehead. “Now, I have to go to work!”

“She’s a fucking morning person.” TJ frowned as she bounded down the hall of their building.

“It’s good. Maybe it’ll rub off.” Jack tugged TJ against him, receiving the hug he craved.

“Don’t count on it.” TJ’s grouchy voice was faltering. “She’s right you know? We’ll be fine. Question is, which one of us is going to tell him that everyone in the house has started calling him “Captain-Fucking-America”?”

Jack laughed heartily then pulled TJ close again. “You can tell him that. I’ll be busy being interrogated…. On second thought don’t tell him until after he’s gotten what he wants, I don’t want that to be the nail in my coffin.”

“It’s good to hear less fear in your voice when you say shitty things like that Jack.” TJ said, hugging Jack to him. “We have some time before they come, do you want to go grab a coffee and come back? I know we could make some but then we’re still sitting around waiting and that’s not always productive.”

“It’s raining, are you sure you won’t melt, sugar?” Jack dragged his hand down TJ’s neck tenderly.

“Yeah, I’ll wear protection.” TJ rolled his eyes at his own joke. “Sorry. That was bad.”

“I’m so glad you didn’t make me tell you how bad it was. At least you don’t have your morning-don’t-acknowledge-me-I-haven’t-had-coffee face on anymore. Come on.” Jack handed TJ his jacket and pulled on his own. “Let’s keep improving that mood with some caffeine.”

The walk to the coffee shop and back was just what TJ needed to ground him. The wet concrete smell was empowering, he equated that aroma with cleansing.

> Throughout the first weeks of his sobriety, the weather had been like it was today, constant rain. At first the gray clouds fed his mood, surging him into a depressed state, then one day he trudged through the rain to go to a meeting with Janie, he watched her pink rubber boots dance beside him and shook his head in disgust.
> 
> “What? We all gotta be sad-sacks like you, Hammond” she poked at him. “I like the rain, it cleanses.”
> 
> “It makes mud, it’s cold and it keeps the sun away.” He was pulling negativity out from somewhere and didn’t care if it made sense or not.
> 
> “SO you’re going to be negative and counter every good thing I say with something dark and emo?” She walked backward in front of him, “I can do this all day.”
> 
> “What is good about this shit? I’ve been slogging through rain for two weeks now, back and forth to these god damned meetings and now I’m not high and I’m depressed.”
> 
> “What’s good TJ? What’s good? Well, you’re alive. There’s one. You are “slogging through rain” and alive! You’ve been going to these “god damned meetings” every day for 2 weeks in the rain and every day for 3 weeks before that. That’s pretty fucking good. You’re depressed because you’re not high, but you’re still fighting. You’re a powerhouse TJ. You’re fighting.”
> 
> She tugged his arm and hugged it to her.
> 
> “Say it TJ.”
> 
> “Say what, Janie?”
> 
> “I’m clean! Like the city after a rainstorm, I’m clean!”
> 
> TJ smiled then, “I am.” He kissed the top of her head, “I’m clean.”

“like the city after a rainstorm.” TJ murmured.

“What was that?” Jack asked, looking at TJ, hoping he hadn’t missed more of the conversation, he’d been busy trying to run every contingency through his head for the day’s battle plan.

“I said, “I’m clean, like the city after a rainstorm.” Something Janie and I talked about in my first few weeks of sobriety. The smell of the rain on the concrete always reminds me of that.”

“I like it. I could use a clean slate, maybe this is the beginning for me too.”

“Soon enough, it looks like our guest is impatient enough to be early.”

Jack looked up and there was the most amazing specimen of human being pacing in front of their building. He would stop, shrug is hands into his pockets, resume walking and pull one hand or both out of his pockets again. He’d run a hand through his hair. Then he would repeat the process.

“He doesn’t look like Captain-Fucking-America.” Jack whispered.

“No. He’s clearly not battle ready.” TJ agreed. “Come on baby; let’s try to help him with his search.”

“This is a man I think I can deal with.” Jack said softly, “He looks as upset as I’ve been.”

“Are you ok? We could go around to the back and leave him waiting.”

“No. Come on.” And then putting a hand out as he approached Captain Steve Rogers, Jack greeted him, “Captain? I hope we’re not late; we went to grab a coffee. I’m Jack Benjamin; I believe you’re here to meet with me.”

Steve shook Jack’s hand with a shocked expression. He felt more than shocked; he felt his world kicked out from under him. Two men stood before him who could have been some version of Bucky and his heart burned with the pain. Steve drew on his lengthy experience with overwhelming situations and automatically shook the man’s hand and greeted him with his name and pleasantries. But inside he was reeling. “Not at all, Mr. Benjamin,” Steve finally added, “I’m afraid I was early.”

“Well you’re not going to stand out here in the rain anymore,” TJ added, offering his hand, “Pleased to meet you sir. I’m TJ Hammond. Please come up with us.”

“Thank you TJ. Please – no more “sir”. I’m Steve.” He offered, following the two “not-Buckys” into the building.

“Steve, thank you for coming to us. Will Sam be joining us?” TJ faced the man, not too much taller than him but still seeming to tower over him as they stepped into the elevator.

“Yes, he’ll be much more politely on time. Again, I’m sorry.” Steve ran his fingers through his hair ducking into his arm as he did it, the only time he didn’t look larger than the box they were riding in.

“Steve, it’s fine.” TJ offered, tucking an arm around Jack’s waist. “I think we’re all a little unnerved by circumstances and by the resemblance.”

TJ led the way out of the elevator and down the hall. The silence bordered on maddening, but TJ worried he’d fill it up with nonsense if he started trying to break it now. He opened the door before offering any more conversation. As he removed his own jacket, TJ asked “Can I take your coat?”

“Thank you.” Steve shrugged out of his leather jacket and handed it to TJ. TJ had thought the man couldn’t look any larger, yet out of the thick leather, in just a thin button-up the man was huge.

Jack took his jacket off and hung it next to TJ’s before walking around the two toward the kitchen, “Can I get you something to drink Steve? We have soda, juice, water – I could make a pot of coffee?”

“Water’s fine, thank you Mr. –”

“Oh no. There’s no way I’m calling _you_ Steve and then having you call me Mister-Anything. It’s Jack.” Jack came back around to the sofa, “Please, have a seat.” He offered, handing Steve the water bottle.

Jack sat across the room on the piano bench and watched Steve lower himself onto the sofa, long legs folding up, and one long, thick arm stretching across the sofa arm. TJ sat at the opposite end of the sofa, privately admiring the view as well.

“I’d like to have to go through this as few times as possible so I hope you don’t mind if we wait for your friend to arrive.” Jack said softly.

“I don’t mind. I hope I didn’t interrupt any plans you might have had by coming early.”

“No, no.” Jack reassured him. Steve leaned forward and took the notebook off the coffee table idly looking at the images and Jack cringed a little, feeling strangely exposed.

Steve lingered on the page TJ wanted to keep, “You’re the artist?” he asked looking up at Jack.

“I wouldn’t say that. I took some drawing classes when I was younger. I haven’t drawn since then – this was just – well,” Jack paused.

“It’s wonderful.”  He said, sincerely, under his breath he sighed, “Could be Bucky.” Then in his regular conversational tone, “I can see it’s you, TJ. That’s how I figured you were the artist, Jack, unless this lovely girl is really good at self-portraits or TJ is.” Steve smiled.

“Thank you. I guess you never really lose the skill.”

“No, but you can lose the muse.” Steve frowned. “I used to draw. I used to be pulled to drawing.”

“What happened?” TJ asked, “To make you stop?”

“I’m not sure exactly, Aliens? Hydra for sure.”

“So you’re going to let them steal a part of your soul? Doesn’t seem much like a superhero move to me.” TJ gave Steve a small smile.

“Yeah, that does give them an extra in their win column, doesn’t it?” Steve mused.

Jack nearly slipped off the bench when TJ said what he did to Steve “Captain-Fucking-America” Rogers, but then again that was why he loved him. Sure, he was sensitive but he had guts. You’d have to have guts in order to grow up in an environment like he had and still come away from it open to beauty and a least a little bit unjaded.

“Well I hope you find your muse.” Jack offered.

“Thanks, Jack. I hope you find whatever peace you’re looking for. Maybe that will fuel your own muse.” Steve said wistfully as the firm knock on the door sent Jack’s heart to the floor.


	12. Solitary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile; Back in Gilboa...

 

Sweat trickled down his forehead and burned his eyes as he pushed himself to do this again. He didn’t particularly want to do another workout but it wasn’t about what he wanted. Nothing ever was. He did one final set of one handed pushups then surged up to do lunges followed by wall squats before tearing off the self-made restraint that held his limp arm in place, and tossing it to the cot, and took up the task of pacing the cell.

He knew the space by sound and by smell, there was nothing to be seen. The walls were seeping, the floor was dirt covered, and the shitty excuse for a bed was a two inch lump-ridden mat on a creaky cot frame. The musty smell of wet concrete and dirt permeated the air but at least it didn’t smell like a latrine.

There was silence and then there were sounds, sounds of praying, sounds of wailing, and sounds of ear piercing screams, and then occasionally there were sounds of gunfire. He wondered if sometimes the human sounds were coming from him, they probably were. Either way, he preferred the silence.

There was no daylight, hell, there was no artificial light. There was no music or laughter. Yet this place was heaven compared to the searing electrical shocks and the bitter chill of the ice.

He eventually settled back against the damp wall, adjusting his position so that the lumps on the cot didn’t pinch a nerve and put his leg to sleep. He was already down a limb, he wouldn’t give them two. He was grateful that his captors were unable to remove the metal arm, but they knew how to deactivate it so it had hung limp at his side for weeks now, or was it months?

His only method of gauging time was purely speculative. He assumed the gunfire signified executions and he estimated that they were always performed at the same time of day. His theory was based on the fact that he’d heard an execution at dawn the day of his arrival. He’d heard it as opposed to seeing it since he was blinded by a heavy, stale smelling, dark bag over his head. He hadn’t enjoyed the darkness and he nearly panicked at having something engulfing his face and head. Breathing exercises helped him get through that.

He’d been jostled, and shoved out of the van that delivered him to these luxury lodgings. He’d known it was dawn in spite of the midnight hour when he’d been incapacitated and captured. He didn’t know if they’d traveled all of those hours or if he’d been kept subdued and sedated in one place, but he knew when it was dawn because of the sounds of the morning creatures and from the aroma. Clean smelling dew-covered grasses surrounded him and the aroma assaulted him as he was dragged away from the van and his booted feet crushed the blades.

He savored the scent, knowing he was going someplace that would probably smell horrible, he committed it to memory. His memory might be swiss cheese but he was regaining pieces of it. New information was assimilated easily and if he craved it for easy recall, like he did this dewy morning, he could keep the memory locked tight. The old ones were more fickle. He had to grasp them nearly tight enough to actually see them drift into ribbons before him. He had to watch the power of his grasp; he didn’t want to actually shred the memory in the process of keeping it.

He had a lot of time to think about things like that, and try to resolve himself to the things he was starting to remember. He noticed that he was more poetic about things. Sometimes visualizing things in ways he never had. He wondered if that was Zola’s doing. He wondered, now that he had time to think about it and freedom to wander through his own mind, if the differences had been as big and bold and crazy for Steve. He could hear things clearer and at greater distances, his vision was sharper and colors were more vivid. Even his thoughts were projections, visual interpretations.

He’d had a really good command of gauging the passage of time when he first arrived. His mind was also wired to survive. He knew he could determine the time by the number of heart beats per minute. The problem with this came about ten days into his captivity. He was receding into himself again and he had already promised himself he would never go back there. He had to stop counting beats and doing the math or he imagined he’d become a living, breathing clock.

The thought and the visual he’d had of becoming a machine again had jarred him so hard that he’d launched himself from the cot and across the cell. When he’d moved to stand he’d collapsed again. That was also the first and last time he’d let a nerve pinch incapacitate him. Now he was careful to not sit too long and he exercised twice during every cycle that he’d assigned as a day.

So, if they conducted executions at dawn and he was inclined to think that the executions were possibly on a bi-weekly schedule, he’d heard four counting the one at his arrival, he figured it was likely 2 months that he’s been in this pit. He really hoped they weren’t weekly and they felt too close to one another to be monthly. How long before it was his turn? Would the sorry excuse for a prince get his message out?

‘That isn’t fair; you can’t judge him by stories. Not to mention, you know damned well that a person isn’t the same as the circumstances that created them. If you were your circumstances then you wouldn’t be fighting to get _his_ attention right now.’ He didn’t have conversations with himself often but when he did it was usually to correct a judgment. He’d been all about judgment lately. He’d become a real pro at judging himself and maybe some of it had started to bleed outward.

Not that people weren’t predisposed to being judged. There were evil people and lazy people, there were lost and lonely people, and if laughter could be a determining factor, there were happy people. In here there were broken people, there were definitely the evil people, and then there was him. Was he one of the broken or one of the evil?

He pulled a notepad out from under his mat and started to write down things he’d overheard and thoughts he’d had. He wrote the number of reps of each exercise and his resting and target heart rates for the duration of his workout. He remarked in the notebook how he’d obtained not only it but a sharp implement (pen). He got it from his only visitor; well he’d _liberated_ it from his only visitor. He wrote the number of cycles that had passed since the man came to him asking for him to create some documents. The same man had had taken him out of his cell and to a car the same way he’d been brought in, with a bag over his head. ‘to protect your identity’ he’d been told. He didn’t believe it. He’d been told things before that sounded like they were to protect him and those he loved.

It had started with “you have a visitor”, which made him wary right away. He had no friends so it could only be an adversary. Instead, a man in a suit and fancy leather shoes paced his cell, “I’ve seen your handiwork and I could use your skill.” The man paused.

“Sorry, not interested. I’m out of the business, besides – I’ve been disarmed. Not just weapons but this.” He picked up the limp metal hand and dropped it. “Find another patsy. The forest to the north is teeming with mercenary types. I don’t kill for people anymore.”

The pretty boy had looked at him with shock. “I – no, the paperwork they took from you, I need some travel papers, they need to be flawless and your work is. Flawless.” Should be, he’d been creating documents to get from one place to another under the radar for some time now.

“Use them.” He dismissed the man.

“You know I can’t. They already have them, they’d know if they were to come up missing. Or at the very least the alias has been flagged.”

“I need more info.” He could just make demands for better lodgings, he could string him along until he was able to overpower him and flee, his options were limitless. He didn’t know what he was going to do but he knew he was going to sweat this guy out until he’d figured it out.

“Not here.”

Hmm. This could actually be a great opportunity. So he’d gone along, on one hand he was looking for a chance to break away and on the other, he could easily create documents for himself _first_ and _then_ overpower the limited guard. He may have only one functioning arm but he still had strength and speed.

In the privacy of the glass and steel office, the man who needed his help slouched just a bit, his confidence was failing him. “I need you to do this. I need travel documents to get this man out of the country. This is the king’s son; he’s been imprisoned and fears for his life.” He shoved photos of the sovereign’s offspring across the table they stood beside. “I’ll see that you’re rewarded, your cell could use some improvements for starters.”

“I’m somebody’s son, I’ve been imprisoned for longer than you would ever imagine and nobody ever pleaded my case. In fact, I’m in prison again. What the hell makes you think I care about your motivation?” he stepped toward the cowering man with his back arched and his shoulders squared. He didn’t flinch at the two men with guns.

He did look at the man as the guns clicked before he slowly looked back at the table and the photos on it. The one photo was shocking, it had been like looking at himself – once long ago – and it was inspiring, as the idea manifested itself in his mind in an odd almost tangible, practically holographic image he suppressed a grin. “I’ll do it.” he heard himself say. He was never spontaneous but there it was. ‘Make demands you fool’ he’d chastised himself “In return for a better bed. And a watch.”

He’d sat at the computer creating the documents after telling them he needed a specific kind of paper. Once left to do his work without anyone looking over his shoulder and he set about writing a code that would extract once his name was scanned into the flight system and would send a message ahead 20 minutes before the flight reached its destination that a person was flying on forged paperwork, using the name “James Barnes” and it included a digital file of the photograph. He hacked into the local major airlines to plant the code which would cover any chosen destination, now to hope the boy got on a plane with one of those airlines and that once the code was executed Steve would be looking for the clue.

As far as his trade was concerned, the joke would have been on him – if he hadn’t had his plan – it had been three “days” since the papers were delivered and there he was, still pretending he knew what a day was, and sitting on a lumpy, stale mat. He’d never call that piece of shit a mattress.

Just as he’d thought about how he’d been screwed, he heard bumbling footsteps down the hall, following the clang and crash of the outer gate followed by the creak and bang of the inner gate. He surged to the edge of the bed, alert and wired. The hair on the back of his neck bristled. It wasn’t dawn which meant he wasn’t next. It wasn’t mealtime; someone could be getting sprung or dragged away for torture or some kind of favor like he’d done. He waited listening to the awkward stumbling and mild complaints from what sounded like two, maybe three men. No, this didn’t sound threatening.

That didn’t stop his heart from pounding when the sounds stopped outside his door. He could rush them. He didn’t know what he’d do next but he could – ‘no. wait. You have a plan in place; do not deviate unless it’s dire.’ He instructed himself.

He rose from the cot as the lock clicked open, adopting a cautious stance. He schooled his features, didn’t want to appear a threat, but didn’t want to look vulnerable either. The door opened to two men carrying a mattress – an honest to god mattress. He shoved down the prick of anticipation-could that be excitement? Another man clanged through the door with the metal braces for a bed frame. “well, I’ll be god damned.” James said out loud, involuntarily impressed.

He watched them assemble the frame and chuck the old piece of trash out the door, never letting his guard down. There were even linens dumped on the corner of the mattress. Just before the last man left the cell, he dropped something on top of the linens. He didn’t cross the space until they were gone and the door was secured behind them.

He recognized the item as he crossed the room, a pocket watch. He picked it up, running his thumb over the grooved case. He opened the case cautiously to find a very innocuous pocket watch, ticking the time with a backlit face. A piece of paper was tucked in the concave case with the date. ‘Considerate’ he thought without sarcasm.

He stood over the bed for a good 15 minutes – he knew because they ticked away in his hand. He was confused by how overwhelmed he was with emotion from knowing the time and date after 2 months 4 days of darkness.

He put the watch aside – ensuring the spot on the floor where he laid it was out of the way of his footsteps and away from the damp space by the wall – before turning to the mattress and the linens.

He approached the problem of making a bed with one hand the same way he’d approached every other problem, tactically. First order of business, deal with the arm. The restraint he’d rigged for exercising held the heavily hanging limb firmly to his body. Next was to use the folds to his advantage, spreading the sheet as it unfolded. It was arduous but the freshly laundered scent kept tickling his nose and encouraging him. He had the better part of the day to waste doing this if he felt so inclined. It’s not like he was going anywhere. Not yet.

He had stood over his handiwork for a bit, pleased with the accomplishment before he remembered he didn’t have to try to figure out how long he’d been standing there. He could look. He reluctantly retrieved the watch and opened it; an hour had passed since he’d last looked. The bed had come together decently, wouldn’t hold up in a barracks inspection but god was it lovely!

Once the watch was tucked at his side where he sat on the bed, he took up his notebook again to mark the date and the current time. “Don’t get comfortable.” He wrote.

* * *

He was getting anxious. A week since the bed was delivered and things were not progressing. He wasn’t being tortured – not complaining – the problem was he wasn’t getting anything except for two meals daily and a clean chamber pot. Fuckers. What were they doing with him? It was getting under his skin that he was just cooling his heels. Hydra would have been all over him working to break him again if they didn’t just shove him down and burn it out of him. Wouldn’t they?

He tried, occasionally, to write things he was thinking but he started to worry that someone would find his little link to real life and sanity and would discover his soul, what was left of it.

Two weeks out and he’d been worrying a lot lately, his head turning sharply at any noise, waiting for someone to come and finally show their cards. He heard gunshots more often now too. They weren’t on schedule. Some came at 3 AM and some at midnight. He would pace his cell when they went off. A half a dozen at a time, two or three different times. Every day there were the guns.

Since the bed had been delivered, he hadn’t had a lot of time to enjoy it. Every time he would lie down to sleep he’d think about when the guns would start. He’d think about someone coming and dragging him out to tie him up and fire bullets into his head. He preferred that to the thoughts of someone coming to burn him down again. These thoughts would intrude just before he could fall asleep on his comfortable mattress and he’d get up from the bed to pace again.

“The guns aren’t real” he heard in a whisper, “they’re not real it’s your head. You’re not right in the head.” He leapt up ready to strike; only his preferred fighting arm was useless. The darkness was undisturbed. He was still alone.

“Who said that?!” he demanded, an echo his only answer, “God dammit I said who said that?! Show yourself you fucker!” he called out again. This time his answer was a “shut the fuck up” called out from a distance ringing over the top of the echo of his own demand.

He sat back on the mattress, his back against the wall. “Who the fuck are you to judge me?” He said in the same low tone in which the whisper had spoken. He was afraid it was he himself who had said it. He already knew people feared him, why should he be any different?

“The guns aren’t real” he repeated softly to himself. “They’re fucking with you simply by keeping you in solitary. Come on Buck, don’t let them win.” He pulled out the notebook and wrote down his thoughts and feelings with abandon. He wasn’t going to let worry rob him of his mind. He’d just gotten so much back and it was only a matter of time. He knew he could count on Steve to get his message and find him.

“You sure are taking your time, punk.” He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He battled the snarls again, picking through them to keep his hair from getting ratty, and for something to do. It would be great to have a shower and a shave. “Hurry up Steve.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What?” Steve turned to look at his friend, he wasn’t going to like what he had to say, he could tell.
> 
> “You can’t leave those boys and think that what we’re going into is going to deliver you your old friend. Barnes is no Jack Benjamin and he’ll never be TJ Hammond. He’s been through more, he’s suffered far worse, and if you think either of those boys represents your friend and what you’re going to find, you need to take a step back.”
> 
> “I know.” Steve dragged his hand across the back of his neck. “I can’t stop seeing him in them. I knew him when he was like Jack had been when he took command of the situation, I knew him way back when he was relaxed and at ease like TJ. He was them, Sam. He used to be.”

 

“Well I hope you find your muse.” Jack offered.

“Thanks, Jack. I hope you find whatever peace you’re looking for. Maybe that will fuel your own muse.” Steve said wistfully as the firm knock on the door sent Jack’s heart to the floor.

TJ rose elegantly and moved to open the door to one Sam Wilson. ‘even more attractive than even the best photograph on the internet’. TJ was surely going to hell for appraising their guests in such a manner. It would be worth it. He decided.

“Welcome. We have beverages, soda, water, coffee, juice?” TJ offered as he escorted Sam into the living room.

“Thank you, I’ll take water.” Sam turned from TJ to greet Steve and froze in the act as he saw Jack seated on the piano bench. “Damn!”

Jack flushed. The time to get down to business was upon him, and he was ready to bolt out of the apartment. Having all eyes on him probably made that urge more palpable but it also kept him rooted to his seat. TJ crossed the room and put a hand on his shoulder, a sign of solidarity that could be interpreted any way they wanted. Wait, no. Jack put his hand on TJ’s and squeezed his fingers in thanks. There, let them interpret that.

“You ain’t kidding.” Steve replied. TJ’s heart did a little happy dance being in a place to not only see Captain America looking less than sure of himself (not in a bad way) but to hear him belt out improper grammar as well. It just made this feel that much less threatening. TJ squeezed Jack’s shoulder before releasing it and crossing to the kitchen for Sam’s water. “Baby?” he said to Jack, with his head inside the refrigerator.

“No thanks K… TJ.” He almost did it, almost said Kitten and it was on purpose. TJ’s look when he crossed the room said he knew.

“So, you’re here for answers,” Jack heard himself volunteer to speak as TJ sat down beside him on the bench. “I’m afraid I don’t expect to be able to give you too many.”

Steve sat forward on the sofa, his elbows on his knees, his hands outstretched. “Anything you can tell us is more than we already know. Let me start by telling you how we found out about TJ.”

“I might have an idea about how that played out, you’ve been looking for your friend, and his name flagged with the flight info.”

Sam laughed, “I wish it had been that quick.”

“Sam’s right. While you were still in the air, someone else did flag the flight. We didn't get the TSA information until long after the report had been filed. Hearing TJ say you thought this might be a message, I started thinking about it, and I have a feeling that was Bucky’s plan all along. I think he created the documents. I think he found a way to alert the authorities. It can now be traced back to where he might be. You see, my friend is no slouch. He’s always been smart and if he retains any of the knowledge he’s gained under Hydra’s control, I wouldn’t put it past him to be able to work this out. 

“You think he’s being held against his will by my father or his enemies.”

“I think he’s in or very near your country and yes I think he’s being held against his will. I won’t go as far as to say either of those possible governments is guilty but I suspect Hydra involvement somewhere there. Which is why _any little thing_ you could tell me might be the key to the next big thing that helps me find him.”

“What if you’re wrong?” TJ asked softly, “What if he doesn’t want to be found? What if it’s the stupidest string of coincidences ever strung together?”

“If it’s all coincidence, then it’s one more wild goose chase. I’m learning how to navigate those with minimal collateral damage.”

Sam harrumphed and rolled his eyes. “Increased brooding. I think the world prefers you punching your way through things.” At least, Sam thought, Steve had the good sense to blush.

“If it’s not a coincidence and someone else is trying to “help” Bucky but he doesn’t want to be found. I’ll respect his wishes as soon as I assess the damage. He’d do no less for me.”

Jack explained his history with as little drama or excuse-making as he could. He found he was not as uncomfortable as he feared he’d be but he still felt embarrassed under the scrutiny of this superhero. “I’m not proud of the things I’ve done.” His voice broke against his will, “Even when I thought I was reformed – or could be – I did things that a stand up person wouldn’t do. I threatened to out a man I had a relationship with if he didn’t get me those documents. It would have ruined him. I –” at this admission, Jack buried his face in his hands, his arms supported on his knees. “TJ that’s exactly how you were hurt, how can you even forgive me for being the evil that can break hearts and lives like that?”

Steve had been patiently listening to Jack’s story, reminding himself that he could no more judge this young man than he could judge Bucky. They had both suffered circumstances beyond their control. Bucky had a rough start but he was loved, and he’d proven to be a strong and decent man in spite of what old lady M'Glinchey had said so long ago. The heartbreaking part was that he had suffered a horrible fate (Steve still felt partially responsible for that) and had done terrible things that were bound to torment him into the future.

It looked to Steve like Jack hadn’t even had the love to give him the right start and that hurt turned Jack into someone that lashed out and did things without knowing the consequences and without care for the consequences either.

When Jack broke down Steve’s heart lurched. He was not entirely able to separate either of these young men from Bucky because even though he could see the differences, he could really see similarities. The hardness that Jack fought against and the nurturing that TJ displayed.

Steve felt like he could be watching Bucky break right now. After the last time he’d seen him and the pain he’d seen Bucky fighting on the helicarrier, he knew that seeing his friend actually break like Jack was now was going to really affect him too.

“I’m sorry guys, this really has all happened so quickly. Not even a week ago Jack was imprisoned and broke out unaided. He then trekked across country alone. Give us a minute?” TJ asked their guests.

Sam, who had been quietly taking in the information and watching helplessly as the possible meltdown actually became a thing, was the first to agree. “Take all the time you need. One thing we’ve learned a lot about since starting this search is patience. Don’t mind us.”

TJ knelt in front of Jack, soothing him, rubbing the back of Jack’s neck. “Jack, it’s ok. I know you were desperate. I also know you’ve learned so many things about yourself since then. Don’t ever call yourself evil, you’re not, baby. I’m not going to judge you. Did you know I stole a check from my Nana? I don’t think I’m qualified to pass judgment on anyone.”

Jack looked up, meeting TJ’s gaze. “I’m sorry. It just hit me that I would go after anyone and everyone who ever hurt you and some of them– TJ it could have been me.”

“Maybe once, but not now. You’ve changed, you are changing. You’ll always have those things in your past but you’ll be able to make choices that will make you proud because you know the difference. You know how it affects people. Are you ok to go on? We can revisit this when you’re ready…” TJ looked pointedly at their visitors, “Even if we have to do it another day.”

Jack took TJ’s hands in his, brought them to his lips, and kissed them softly. “I can do this.” Jack looked apologetically at Steve and Sam, “I’m sorry – I knew this would be hard, I didn’t know what would push me over.”

Steve rose to his feet, as much as he wanted answers right now, “TJ’s right. Jack, if you need us to come back, I’m willing to wait, come back another day.”

“No, please sit. I don’t mean to make everyone uncomfortable, I’ve suppressed my emotions for so long, and recently the dam has been cracking. I’m not sure who is going to come out on the other end of this thing but I’m willing to find out.”

Steve hesitated, “If you’re certain, I’m willing to bet Bucky’s expecting me to be a little more stubborn and take longer. Another day or two…”

“Nonsense Steve. Thank you for your understanding. I’m sure if even half of the reports of the things he’s done are true; you’re going to need to tap into that understanding even more for your friend when you find him. Let’s start trying to find him.” Jack shoved his feelings to the back of his mind; he would explore them more with TJ or Janie later. He could and would focus on this like it was a mission. After all, it was. “The man who obtained the documents was on my father’s ministry. His name (so after saying I wouldn’t sell him out in exchange for the documents – here I am, doing exactly that)” Jack took a steadying breath, “Is Minister Daniel Emerson. I expect we were discreet enough that nobody has targeted him in my disappearance.

“He and his family would be in the country by this time of year, barring any emergencies (I doubt anyone is considering my escape an “emergency”). Mercenaries are more likely to be involved in that search – which means if your friend is not in custody he could still be in danger.”

“Mercenaries,” Steve said, sitting back against the sofa, “to hunt you? Your father would actually hunt you?”

“Did you miss where I said I committed treason?” Jack asked with a raised eyebrow. “He’s spared me more times than he wanted to. He made it clear there would be no more “favors”. Yes, he will hunt me or Bucky if he’s on the run.”

Steve leaned forward and put his head in his hands, he schooled his breathing, not for controlling an asthma attack like he once had to, but the skill came in handy for controlling a fit of violence that nobody in this room deserved to suffer through. As soon as he felt under control again he sat up, looked at Sam who was watching him knowingly. “Ok. What we have then is a potential situation which we won’t know more about until we make contact with this Minister Daniel Emerson and then probably whoever it is that is his contact; because I’m pretty sure he’d be suspicious of someone who looks just like you giving you documents with his name on them.”

“Unless he didn’t know Barnes’ real identity.” Sam provided.

“OK there’s that possibility, but I’m still sticking with the idea of him being unaware of the resemblance, so there’s a middle man.”

“I’m not saying you’re wrong. For once your take is the more cautious one.” Sam smirked. “But consider that he’d have one more person asking him why and one more person implicated in the disappearance of the prince. I think he’s the main contact and there was no middle man.” Sam raised an eyebrow at Steve when his friend basically conceded the discussion with a resigned look. To Jack he encouraged him to share more information, “Is there anything else you might know about the documents or about this Emerson that would help?”

Jack moved to the table and grabbed the notepad before sitting back next to TJ on the bench. As he started relaying information, he jotted down names and places – rough maps that they could hopefully overlay later – as he spoke of them.

“If my father has anything to do with the detainment of Bucky, he could be at Gehenna, which is the codename of a military prison where he would _likely_ be holding any high level prisoners. If it’s one of my father’s enemies, should I say the country’s enemies, Gath would be likely. They’re a militant country, both are, really but that’s their hallmark. They’re not as prosperous as Gilboa – they’d be easily drawn in by promises of power from Hydra. I’m not trying to sway you against Gilboa – both governments are disposed to corruption.

“I can’t say anything else about the documents; I asked for quality travel papers and received them. They were retained by TSA.

“Emerson is a nice guy; I didn’t hook up with him for any reason other than companionship and sex. I never had designs on him, he holds little power, but it’s no secret that he knows people. I’d first heard about his ability to obtain identification from a young kid at a club. I never had a need, everyone knew me, and even when I was too young to be in places like that, I was allowed in. I was the prince.” Jack shrugged, “However, when the idea to try to get out of that hell hole hit me, I remembered what the kid in the club had said.

“So I really don’t have any dirt. You have to understand how my father feels about my “ _lifestyle_ ”. He could make Emerson’s life a living hell with the flick of a wrist. Shit, he could end anyone’s existence with a word. The man’s got a family. Please try not to ruin his life; I’d really like to believe I am technically still keeping my word. I’d like to imagine I’m not completely selling him out.”

“Jack.” Steve said, looking him in the eye, “I give you my word. I will not let either your location or your promises be betrayed. I’ll explain to Emerson the importance of why I have his name and I won’t upset the balance he has set in his life.”

“I hope you find him, your friend, I hope he’s safe, and that you can extract him easily” Jack really hoped, “That place is not the best environment, and if Hydra has sprouted seeds it’s going to get worse.”

“Is there anyone you want us to check on?” Steve wasn’t sure why he asked, other than he felt this might finally get them to Bucky and he felt incredibly grateful; that had to be it.

“I don’t want you to get off task, if you can in the process, my twin sister, Michelle – she was exiled. Her lover, maybe the only friend I could have tried to have, David Shepherd. He disappeared… I hope he got away. If you hear word of either of them, I’d appreciate knowing. I haven’t had any news of either of them since I was locked away. Don’t go out of your way, it could endanger them. It could possibly get you or Bucky killed. But if you hear anything in passing… Well, I’d really appreciate knowing if they’re safe.”

“Consider it done.” Steve was quick to promise.

“But don’t think for a minute he won’t do something stupid so he can “hear something”.” Sam added.

“Now Sam…” Steve could see Sam holding back his laughter as he watched Steve prepare to deny exactly what he was thinking of doing. They’d definitely spent too much time together.

“Now nothing, Steve. Don’t get the man’s only family killed.” Sam said, enunciating each word.

“When have I been _that_ irresponsible?”

“There’s a first time for everything. Let’s not let this time be that first.”

TJ had been quiet, listening in awe at the command that had come over Jack, and here he had Steve Rogers, “Captain-Fucking-America” in his living room but he only had eyes for Jack. This bickering between Sam and Steve did catch his attention though, reminding him of oh-so-many days with Doug. He couldn’t believe that Steve was just a regular guy… and then it amused him when he realized that he’d heard people say the same thing about himself. The idea that TJ could find a way to compare himself to Captain-Fucking-America, that was the thought that made him laugh outright.

Luckily for him, he could hide his current state of embarrassment, the others were chuckling at the bickering, so TJ didn’t feel _quite_ so awkward.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said to the room in general with a shy smile, “I’m sure your confidence in me is at an all-time low.”

“Not at all. You’re a person first; it’s kind of amazing to see you as just a guy. Our paths didn’t exactly cross at the gala but you definitely appeared a bit larger-than-life. I think I was intimidated.”

“If I did anything to –”

“Oh no! Not at all, I was in a weird place in my life and I was avoiding pretty much everyone, trying to keep a low profile so I wouldn’t do something to embarrass my mom. If I’d known you were so low key, I think I’d have enjoyed talking with you. I seem to recall the president-elect was monopolizing your time.”

“Your mother is a brilliant woman, but yeah. She has a lot of ideas.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is demands.” TJ laughed.

“Ok, you got me.” Steve blushed

“Listen, she’s my mom, I love her, but you won’t find politics lurking around here unless one of them is here visiting. I’m as far removed from political agenda as you could get. I’m a musician.”

Jack was so proud of TJ for his flawless announcement of being “a musician” he knew TJ had struggled with who and what he was as a person. He laid a hand on TJ’s thigh in a comforting gesture without even a thought to the situation. TJ’s hand rested idly on his in acceptance. “TJ is a very _talented_ musician _and_ songwriter.” He announced.

Jack tore the pages from the notepad that he’d written information on. He rose and crossed the space to hand it to Steve.

“So, a talented musician and a gifted artist, I see bright things in your futures.” Steve smiled, liking these boys with Bucky’s face.  “I’ve seen Jack’s handiwork, any chance we could hear TJ’s?”

TJ blushed and grinned, before raising an eyebrow at Jack, ‘really?’ it said between them.

Jack’s answering eyebrow wiggle seemed to answer ‘deal with it’.

“I’m sure there are more important things going on here than me playing.” TJ tried to deflect.

“I think a break is in order.” Sam, who had been quiet most of the visit with the exception of ribbing his friend, chimed in. “Then afterward, I’d like to talk in more detail with Jack about the layout of the area we’re going into.”

TJ turned around to face the piano; his movement was flawless as he simply spun in his seat. The newest song, still dancing around his head still known only as ‘Sunday’ tripped across the keys. Jack stood aside watching TJ’s lines and knew when their guests left he’d be bribing or begging TJ to play again while he sketched him.

Steve settled back on the sofa, watching TJ play and listening to the sweet love song. He looked at the tableau in front of him and though at first he had thoughts weaving in and out of his bewilderment about the uncanny resemblance between these two and Bucky. The thoughts trying to get through his need for understanding blared at him how strange it was that the two were in a relationship.

He realized now that it was because the first assumption about people who looked alike was that they were related and that meant a relationship between them was seriously fucked up. But these two very separate individuals with different talents and different morals and even different tastes were _not_ related. Now that he knew more of each of them, compassionate, humorous, and nurturing TJ and resilient, determined, and yearning Jack he could see past the resemblance and appreciate the differences. He could see that they complemented each other.

Sam watched everyone. Floored by the similarities, he’d gotten past that pretty quickly, and now his main concern was Steve. His friend was seriously going to need to take a step back before they went charging in, and not because he was reckless. He was _teased_ for being reckless but he never let others come to harm. He might be reckless when it came to himself but that was just how he was wired.

The problem was that Steve was seeing “Bucky” in each of these softer, less broken boys. Clearly, of the two, Jack had the hardest edge. He’d seen combat and he had done seedy things, so he came closest to a wax representation of what Barnes had been through and could become. He couldn’t see it coming to that. He couldn’t imagine the Barnes he’d seen so openly expressing pain and tears. Maybe alone with a trusted friend, which – face it – Steve wasn’t any longer. He was a stranger at worst, a distant dream or memory at best. Sam was convinced they were going to be facing some demons when they finally met up with the man who had tried to kill them both and he was going to have to be the voice of reason. He could see it written all over Steve’s face.

As TJ’s song came to a conclusion, Jack walked past him, trailing his hand across his shoulders before picking up the notepad again. He knelt on the floor in front of the coffee table where he and Sam put their heads together to engage in questions and answers about the terrain and the layout of the location at Gehenna and information about Gath and Shiloh. Steve rose to follow TJ into the kitchen.

“Can I help?” he offered.

“How good are you with deli meats? I thought a few sandwiches would help the strategizing.” TJ asked, pulling out packages of deli meats and cheeses, “Though aren’t you missing out on said strategizing?”

“I think I can catch up, Sam can fill me in on anything I miss. I’d be happy to help – I’ve been dying to try something since I was a kid.” Steve got an excited twinkle in his eye and a dreamy look.

“What?” TJ asked, handing Steve a tomato, astonished that this, this Superhero was on the verge of making a childhood dream come true.

“Oh I couldn’t. It’s just, I… No, never mind.” The twinkle faded. He took a knife from the block and started slicing the tomato into thin slices.

“Steve, if I can help make a childhood dream a reality you have to let me.” TJ smiled.

“It’s outrageous!” Steve blushed, “And absolutely offensive.”

“I highly doubt that. You have to at least tell me, I’m curious now.”

“I’d like,” Steve blushed with a small smile, “Geez, TJ – this is so embarrassing. Bucky and I always used to joke about being able to make a Dagwood Sandwich, and then he’d tease me about not being able to eat one. But now, with my metabolism the way it is – I could probably do it.”

“You’ll have to fill me in on what a Dagwood Sandwich is. I’m not from 1940something.”

“1930something and you’ve never read the Blondie comic strip?” Steve pulled his phone from his pocket and quickly pulled up a Dagwood Sandwich. He showed TJ the strip and TJ laughed.

“Oh my god that’s a monstrosity!” TJ chuckled. “No way you could eat that – but be my guest!”

Sam looked at Jack upon hearing the laughter from just across the way, “Might not be safe with those two working together.” Sam looked at Jack with a grin

“I don’t know, could be fun. Seriously? Do you know what they’re talking about?”

“Not a clue, man.” Sam grinned. “So, any chance you want to join us on this mission? You’d be an asset.”

“No. I’m sure you can manage, I can’t, – you don’t understand.”

“I might not be in your shoes but I get it. Besides – this guy is, he’s larger than life and the guy we’re going after is – well, he is too, I guess. I really do get it. If you ever need to talk about anything, I work with vets, not just American soldiers. I’m a decent listener, and an impartial advocate is sometimes a good thing to have in your corner. Get TJ to give you my number if you want to talk.”

“Ever deal with hyper-sensitive people who cry at a moment’s notice? Who feel overwhelmed and needy and angry about it?”

“All the time, how are you dealing with that?”

“I’ve been clingy and needy where TJ’s concerned. He’s dealing with a fresh start and I go and cry all over him.”

“It’s good that he’s supportive, but I think it’s good to have someone else so that the stress doesn’t strain your relationship. Having someone else to confide in also needs to be part of an honest relationship. You have to tell TJ you need someone to talk to outside the relationship so that when you make phone calls they’re not secretive or resented.”

“I’d like that. I’d appreciate not burdening him with all of my anxiety.”

“You still have to share,” Sam looked into the kitchen at the two laughing, wondering how Steve was processing the resemblance. “I don’t advocate shutting him away from the things you’re feeling, I’m not offering to be a substitute, just an alternate outlet for your anxiety.”

“Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it.”

TJ laughed at the size of Steve’s completed sandwich. “There’s no fucking way you’re going to eat that?! It can’t be done.”

“Hey, childhood dreams.” Steve smirked. “Bucky had doubts too. Let’s see if I can tell him he was wrong.”

TJ pulled three pop bottles out of the fridge and Steve took them in one hand and his sandwich on a plate with some chips in the other. TJ followed with a large plate of sandwiches with some single-serving chip bags piled in the middle and set it on the table. “Somehow I feel like this should be where I offer you guys beer, but with my history, we don’t have any in the house. I hope this is ok.”

“Anything is appreciated.” Sam smiled. “How long?”

“18 months plus almost a week.” TJ smiled with pride. “I guess my mom didn’t do as well keeping my exploits out of the press as she thought.”

“Nah, I don't follow the press. I work with vets – many who are recovering – I simply guessed based on some of your tells as well as the “my history” comment. Congrats on the anniversary.”

“Thank you. "Every day’s an anniversary".”

“That’s so true.” Sam seemed to really comprehend the words others would just play at.

TJ sat with his legs crossed and ate a sandwich while the others plotted and ate and talked. He was in a whole different world listening to “war room” talk with Captain America, The Falcon, and Prince Benjamin. He was just the son of two presidents, he was very well outranked for the billionth time in his life but this time it was an actual joy. Wouldn’t Dougie be fucked up over this? TJ grinned behind his sandwich at the thought, grateful that everyone’s attention was on other things. He didn’t really want to answer anyone why he was smiling like a fool.

Steve managed to put away the sandwich over the course of the planning, another thing TJ thought Douglas would find fascinating about his hero.

There were moments TJ saw Jack looking like all he needed to join them in their mission was to be asked, he was really engaged in this strategizing. It made TJ both thrilled and nervous. Jack had said he didn’t want any more of that life but what if things in his country could be corrected by removing Hydra from the situation? What if he could come home a hero? What then? When the thought tried to strangle him, TJ rose and went to the kitchen under the guise of retrieving a glass and some ice so he could keep the tears from anyone’s view. He let them fall without sound as he filled the glass with soda. What this soda could use was some Jack Daniels.

He shook the thought away and took a swig of the soda, letting the carbonation shock his throat. He topped off the glass, wiped his eyes, and returned to the living room, determined to ignore the dramatic thoughts that were trying to take root and blossom into something ugly. He focused on the light in Jack’s eyes, the usefulness he was obviously feeling after over a year of misery and despair. He focused on Jack’s smile of satisfaction and on the silly feeling he’d had before of Douglas being put out by TJ’s exciting afternoon and it was almost enough to push away the fear.

* * *

Several hours later, after the door closed behind them, Sam looked at Steve, finally able to voice his concerns, “No. just No.” he said as they entered the elevator.

“What?” Steve turned to look at his friend, he wasn’t going to like what he had to say, he could tell.

“You can’t leave those boys and think that what we’re going into is going to deliver you your old friend. Barnes is no Jack Benjamin and he’ll never be TJ Hammond. He’s been through more, he’s suffered far worse, and if you think either of those boys represents your friend and what you’re going to find, you need to take a step back.”

“I know.” Steve dragged his hand across the back of his neck. “I can’t stop seeing him in them. I knew him when he was like Jack had been when he took command of the situation, I knew him way back when he was relaxed and at ease like TJ. He was them, Sam. He used to be.”

“I know it feels like that Steve. First, he was never either of them, similarities only. Second, you don’t know what he remembers, how he feels, you have to know that he’s never going to be the guy he used to be. You can’t take out of him what he’s had done to him any more than you can go back to who you were before Erskine.”

“Even if I could, I wouldn’t. He is who he is through his experiences, I wouldn’t strip a part of him away, that’s already been done to him enough. That’s not what I’m after, Sam. Bucky deserves to be able to come home. If this was a message, he needs our help, and is asking for it.”

“And he’ll get it. I just don’t want you thinking what you’re going to find when we get there is anything like what we just left.”

“I’ll keep an open mind, but you need to realize that he’s still human and he’s going to hurt. I won’t treat him as less than how I’d treat “those two boys” or you, Sam. He’s my friend, always.”

* * *

When they finally had the apartment to themselves, Jack was riding the adrenaline that came after the stress of confessing his sins and then getting to do something he knew, to take part in something tactical. Yet in the midst of the rush Jack was also able to sense something bothering TJ. He turned to him. “TJ? Are you ok?”

“You are glowing Jack.”

“Am I? That’s nice. I didn’t ask about me.” He put his arms around TJ’s waist. “Which kind of answers the question. You’re not ok.”

“I’m fine.” TJ laid his head on Jack’s shoulder. He pulled him closer, “I’m not fine.”

“What’s wrong baby?”

“You are glowing. You were happy. What if they’re right and Hydra’s taken over and they can take them down – what if your involvement is seen as heroic and you can go back – or what if your father is taken out with the raid and you’re officially king?”

Jack was quiet a moment while he led TJ to the bedroom. He tugged TJ toward the bed and sat him down. “Baby, you’re right, I was happy. Happily doing the right thing.” He stood between TJ’s thighs, with his hands on TJ’s shoulders, “I’ll be honest, thoughts of ‘what if’ crossed my mind, and I have some answers for your concerns. If any of the things you suggested happen, I’m still here. I’ll petition the government for a pardon and I’ll fight for my inheritance to be paid to me. I’m no king. I’m not sure what I am, but I know I’m no king.”

“You say that now.” TJ looked at him, eyes shimmering, “But when things are real and you’re being asked to come back…”

“I can’t even imagine. I feel so at home here with you.” Jack put a hand on either side of TJ’s face, gazing into his eyes “I guess I’ll be at home anywhere with you, so _if_ I ever go back to Gilboa, you’ll have to pack your bags.”

“I don’t know if I can live in that place.” TJ said softly.

“I didn’t say live there. I said go there. I can do what I did this afternoon without being in Gilboa. I’ll see what Sam and Steve suggest.”

“Are you sure about all this? Who would be king?”

“TJ. That place has no shortage of people who want to run it. Are you trying to say you don’t want your dad to help me anymore? I still won’t leave, you’ll be harboring a fugitive, and you’ll get into bigger trouble with your mom than with the law.”

“Asshole.” TJ smiled sweetly belying his curse. “Kiss me Jack.”

“I thought you’d never shut up long enough.”

Jack gripped TJ’s jaw in both hands and pulled his face to him. His lips ground down on TJ’s possessively. TJ pulled Jack closer wrapping his legs around him as Jack stepped closer to the bed.

“If I get any money from my trust fund or any inheritance, we’re going to get our own place.” Jack said into TJ’s mouth unwilling to separate long enough to have a decent conversation. “I love Janie but.”

“Yeah.” TJ sighed, “that’s actually one of my goals too. God I was so worried I was losing you.” TJ wrapped his arms around Jack.

“I’d actually be amused if you’d thought you were losing me to one of the beefy men in our living room, but this,”

“I know Jack. It seems insecure to you and maybe it is, a little, but when you got upset today about being like one of the types of people who hurt me? You don’t get it yet. It wasn’t the political party threatening to out Sean that hurt me; _it was Sean choosing power over love that hurt_. I feel terrible that I even thought to put you in that role but all I saw was power, and you loving what you were involved in, and it got all mixed up in my addicted brain. You know? Anything to make me want to quiet the noise.”

Jack put his forehead on TJ’s shoulder, “Baby.” He crooned. “I’m sorry. I’m so proud of you though.”

“Even though when I poured my soda I really wanted to mix it with Jack Daniels?”

“Even though. Your success wasn’t in not wanting to, but in not acting on it. There will always be occasions you want to, it’s what you do about it that matters. I’m proud because you didn’t. You didn’t slip out to go find something – you stuck it out and you were strong.”

“I want you to think about something for a minute, Jack.” TJ said into Jack’s hair, “I don’t want you to say anything for a few minutes; I don’t want you to placate me. Are you sure, absolutely positive, that you don’t want to take your rightful place as king in your own country?”

TJ was hyperaware of Jack at this moment, Jack’s posture didn’t change, his arms around TJ’s waist didn’t falter or tighten, and he stood quietly with his head still on TJ’s shoulder. Jack did exactly as TJ asked; he closed his eyes and thought about the kingdom, the people, and the loneliness. He inhaled TJ’s scent and felt the warmth. A tear tickled his nose as he thought of TJ in Gilboa, unhappy in the fake kingdom.

When he pulled away from TJ to look him in the eye, the hesitation he saw in TJ’s gaze was enough to release the rest of his tears. “Do you want to know what I thought of?”

TJ didn’t want to know. He needed to, but he didn’t really want to. He almost shook his head but he answered, “Tell me.”

“I thought of the city of fools who never would accept me, making you unhappy. I thought about the abject loneliness I felt there, and I didn’t want you to ever experience it. I thought of something you said in our first conversation, the “position was precariously obtained,” it’s all fake TJ.”

TJ rested his head on Jack’s chest, “you’d tell me otherwise?”

“I would. Nothing but honesty for you kitten.” Jack ruffled TJ’s hair. He was sincere, he felt liberated by the knowledge that he didn’t have to be a ruler to be loved. TJ’s hold tightened and Jack scratched TJ’s scalp lazily, “Needy?”

“Yes.” TJ drew back, slid his fingers up Jack’s back beneath his shirt, “I just want you to hold me, is that ok?”

“Of course kitten.” Jack smiled. “Never doubt that’s ok.” Jack pulled TJ’s shirt over his head then removed his own. “Into the bed with you.”

TJ stripped to his boxer briefs and lay on the comforter watching as Jack removed his jeans and set both of their clothes aside. He crawled across the bed and folded TJ into his arms. “Movie?”

“Yeah, whatever comes on.” TJ murmured into Jack’s neck, nuzzling lazily.

“Today was a bit overwhelming wasn’t it?” Jack almost whispered, trailing his fingers along TJ’s skin.

“Yes. I definitely think I was overstimulated.”

“You having a hard time? Should I call Janie?”

“No, just this.” TJ laid his cheek on Jack’s chest, softly running his finger up and down Jack’s arm. “Every day has had some kind of emotional upheaval. I’m so exhausted.”

“Can you reschedule your meeting tomorrow? You should have a day where nothing is expected of you.”

“Wasn’t that what Sunday was for?” TJ lifted his head up to look at Jack.

“We had our moments,” Jack’s fingers dusted along TJ’s cheek and around the shell of his ear. “I think you deserve another day. Listen to me, with pretty words. How many times have you been coddled by pretty words? Oh TJ, kitten, you believe me don’t you? I only want to be where you are.”

“I’m not usually a sucker – I’ve gotten to where I usually know spin when I hear it. I’ve been taken in a time or two though.” TJ ran his hand along Jack’s jaw, “This doesn’t sound like spin. Not with the look in your eyes. But if it is, Jack, I know a man who could break you in two.”

“He wouldn’t be tall and blonde, with blue eyes and a body that just can’t quit?” Jack smirked, picking up on TJ’s teasing tone.

“Could be. He did say if I needed anything, when he left his number.” TJ winked.

“Well you’re not going to have any need for turning Steve Rogers into a mercenary against me. I mean all of the pretty words I tell you, baby.” Jack lifted his head from where it rested on his arm and kissed TJ’s forehead. “If I ever hurt you, I’ll take whatever beating I deserve.”

TJ reached across Jack for the remote then settled back at his side, lying on his arm. He idly switched through channels until Jack put his hand over TJ’s “TJ,” he said softly, “the guide, it’s quicker and less grating.”

“I don't have that kind of focus right now, this is easier.”

“So, let me help, just lie here for a sec and I’ll find something. If you disagree just tell me and we’ll find something else.”

TJ relinquished the remote and rested his head on Jack’s shoulder with his eyes closed. He listened for a bit once the program Jack settled on started playing. “Yeah, this is ok.” He sighed. “I’m sorry for being so dramatic Jack.”

“Hey, it’s been a crazy few days, if we can’t be afforded some drama then nobody can.” Jack trailed his fingers lightly through TJ’s hair.

“I like that. I’m not always so needy. Honest.”

“TJ, honey. What would you tell me, if I was essentially lying here, apologizing for being a person?”

TJ looked up at Jack with a shocked look when the realization hit him, “That you were being ridiculous.”

TJ dipped his head, embarrassed, and Jack placed his finger under TJ’s chin and urged him to look up and smiled sweetly at him. “You’re being ridiculous.” Jack ran his finger down TJ’s neck and over his shoulder and back. “Don’t keep that up. It’s too easy to get stuck there. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to. Which I hope you never do.”

“Not a chance. Was it harder to tell them about your story or to think about the places you were sending them?”

Jack looked up seeing just the top of TJ’s head as he’d lain back down on Jack’s chest, “Confession might be good for the soul, but it sure doesn’t feel so great being given. I’d say that was the hardest part, hands down. The other half of your question, I was just sharing something I know. It’s not like they’re going in to bomb innocent people, or raze buildings for no reason, and that was my father’s city, not mine.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janie waved them away with a lighter heart; she would remind herself often to have faith in TJ’s strengths and sit back and watch more. TJ did much better when people remembered he needed them, not when they told him what he needed.

TJ’s alarm woke them both with a start the next morning. Jack reached for it to turn it off but TJ covered his hand, “I’m going to do the meeting this morning and call my dad to see if he’s made any progress. Then the rest of the day is just you and me.” TJ turned the alarm off and set the phone back down.

“TJ are you sure?” Jack lounged while TJ ran his fingers down his chest. “You could take just one day.”

“Yes, I’m an adult, with adult responsibilities. I have had so many days where I did nothing. If I want to be respected as a responsible adult, then I need to suck it up.” TJ looked up at him, his fingers trailing along the waistband of Jack's underwear, “Do you want to tag along? I’m sure you could pass the time while I’m in the meeting, reading, or something at the coffee shop by the theater.”

“It would be nice to get out of the house for more than an hour.” Jack rolled away from TJ’s grasp. “I’m going to shower. You’re going to let me.”

“Fine,” TJ sulked, looking at the ceiling while Jack gathered his clothes. “Save some hot water for me.”

“Yeah.” Jack said from the doorway.

TJ surged from the bed to chase after him, “You dismissing me?” he laughed, arms around Jack’s waist.

“Yes,” Jack turned around in TJ’s arms, “I was.”

“You’re very rude. Didn’t even bother kissing me ‘good morning’.”

Jack planted a soft kiss on TJ’s cheek, “That’s because I need to brush my teeth.”

TJ patted Jack’s ass as he turned to go into the bathroom. TJ wandered into the kitchen. “Mornin Janie.” He smiled.

“You were scarce yesterday.” She yawned, “I was hoping to hear all about the superhero in my living room.”

“He’s insanely gorgeous and a very nice person. Eats like a horse. Your deli meat stash has been drastically depleted.” TJ wrapped his arms around Janie and kissed her forehead. “I had a kinda shitty moment and just went to bed to wind down. I think I was asleep before you got home.”

Janie put her hands on TJ’s arms and leaned back, “You ok now? You wanna talk about it?”

“I’m ok now. I saw how Jack got excited helping them plan and I thought about what if? You know, what if the things they were planning could get him back home and exonerated? I’m in too deep, Janie. I can’t lose him.”

“Did you talk to him or did you hide in the bedroom and torment yourself?”

“He found me out before I could do any hiding. I don’t think I was going to hide anything anyway.”

“I’m going to say something,” Janie looked TJ in the eye, “That’s entirely unpopular and I don’t want you to think there’s any judgment in it and I don’t want you to judge me either.”

“I don’t like where this is going.”

“I know you don’t, but it’s all about honesty, right? I worry that you might be fixated on him, on each other, because you’re both missing something you’ve been dependent on for a long, long time. For Jack the dependence is “Power”, and drugs for you. Now that you both have a void to fill, you’re filling it with each other. I really do like the emotional connection you’ve made, as long as you can keep it healthy.”

“So you don’t buy the thought that I am in love within the span of days.” TJ pulled away from Janie, walking backwards to put distance between them.

“I honestly don’t know if it’s love or need,” Janie knew she was putting her foot in it, she saw the hurt, she tried to tell herself this was not the time to be TJ’s friend but the time to be TJ’s sponsor and mentor. “How can you be sure TJ?”

“Well, I’m not going to destroy the idea of love just because you or anyone else is afraid I’m just filling a void. If I’m right and you’re wrong, where would I be if I abandon love?”

“Just so you know going in that you could also be wrong, and I know where you’ll be if the reverse is true. You could spiral.”

“Janie. I want to say so many things to you right now. Some of them are rude and harsh and I’m holding back because I just don’t want that kind of negativity between us.”

Jack came into the room in time to hear TJ’s comment, “TJ? What’s wrong?”

“I’m reacting badly.” TJ turned on his heel, “I need to step back. I’m going to get a shower, I’ll be right out, and then we can go.”

“The sponsor in me came out.” Janie offered in her defense.

“Before he had coffee?” Jack frowned, “not the best plan.”

“You do love him, don’t you? It’s not just filling a void left by all of the things you left behind?”

“Sounds like you were trying to be a friend more than a sponsor.”

“I didn’t approach it as a friend. I hurt him. I said essentially the garbage his family throws out at him. I’m usually better than that.”

“You care. You know that if this is not what we believe it is, he’ll take the hurt far worse than I’m likely to do. You think that catching it before he’s in too deep will spare him, but he’s already there Janie. I don’t know if I’m any good for him, but I know how he makes me feel. It’s selfish and I know it. But I also want to be a better person because of TJ. I also want to be _good for TJ_. You and I have had this discussion before. You know I’ll protect him, even from me.”

“Who will protect you?”

“I got that covered too.” Jack smiled his pain away, “So what rude, harsh things do you think almost spilled over those pouty lips anyway?”

“I’m pretty sure it was something like “Fuck you Janie and what do you know about love anyway sitting alone in meetings and taking in strays instead of being more open and trusting.” We’ve traded angry words before.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. He’s getting better about controlling the lashing out. Telling me he’s not going to tell me that kind of thing actually almost makes me laugh because I do know what’s underneath it.” She touched Jack’s arm, “Seriously though Jack, who will protect you?”

“I’ve learned something about you, Janie. You like me. I’m sure you’re going to be there no matter if this is a stupid choice or the right one. I just happen to believe it’s the right one so I won’t need protecting.”

Janie wrapped her arms around Jack. “I do like you, Jack. A lot. I don’t want to keep questioning this but I don’t want to see TJ broken or worse. I didn’t know him at his lowest point. He rallied after his OD but he still wasn’t able to stay clean for, oh, at least, 5 months after that. He tried and broke and tried again. His family had some rough starts trying to keep him clean by keeping him under lock and key; they argued with him instead of dealing with the tantrums and tried to guilt him into coming clean. None of that works, by the way. He wanted to be the son and brother and grandson that they wanted but he struggled.

Finally, by the time I met him, he was finally, actually making choices based on what he wanted. He was having a hard time but he was making choices without being locked away. I just essentially called him fragile to his face but Jack, he’s not fragile. His addiction is tenuous but TJ is strong – and even I forget that. I get wrapped up in his texts or phone calls and think of all of the near-breaking points and I forget all of the times he’s come through the other side with just a fucking phone call, nobody strong-arming him through it, no hand on his back to guide him to the right choice, just my voice on the other end. He’ll be alright. You both will.”

\- - -

TJ whipped the shower curtain open and stepped in, still upset and fighting with himself to not go out and tell Janie that she was wrong and jealous and fuck if she thought he was that weak. His outburst would only be hurtful to her and hurt him in the process. He wasn’t angry as much as frightened. Each time someone asked if he was sure this was real, his fear was multiplied. He had to figure out if it was because he was afraid of trusting Jack to stay with him or if his fear was that he might not be able to make a healthy choice. He rushed through washing as if the speed would chase away the negativity.

Once he was out of the shower, standing in front of the fogged mirror, he wiped a small circle clear in the glass that immediately showed him his angry face. He frowned before brushing his teeth and looked again when the task was done, not as angry, maybe even presentable. He made a face at the jackass in the mirror and smiled. He practiced his political smile for his meeting in case he was still not in the mood to actually smile. TJ styled his hair quickly so he’d look presentable, and found that he liked what he saw in the artsy arrangement, coupled with the sweater he was wearing, theater people, they’d get it.

Stepping out of the bathroom, TJ paused, overhearing the tail end of Janie’s revelation. He wiped his eyes quickly, feeling pride for what she sounded equally awed by. He _had_ made those choices – choices. He could make this one too. “Telling secrets?”

“Yeah, a little. Breaking protocol. If you want to replace me with a new sponsor I’d understand.”

“Nope, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.” TJ crossed the room and gathered them both in his arms. “That goes for both of you. No more questioning and no more doubts. I’m a capable adult with the power and strength to make my own choices.

“These are my immediate choices; I’ll be heading out to my meeting and Jack is tagging along. I’m in love with a man I haven’t known a week and I’ll be exploring that relationship; I’m 18 months clean and I’m not throwing that away. I’m strong enough to do these things and I’m strong enough to know when I need to ask for help. I’m strong enough to ask for the help when I need it. And I’m going to an NA meeting this evening with my best friend.”

Jack pulled away reluctantly but he wanted to see the man behind the power. He smiled at TJ when he saw not only power, but heart, and determination. “So, coffee then your meeting or do you have time?”

“I’m not sure, we’ll see how quickly we get there – if not, I’ll meet you for coffee after. Janie? Do I look presentable?”

“TJ you look magnificent.”

“Good,” He smirked, “that’s what I was going for. Now I want to see if Monday was just dumb luck, my fabulous family name, or my talent. Come along Jack. Have a great day at work Janes.”

Janie waved them away with a lighter heart; she would remind herself often to have faith in TJ’s strengths and sit back and watch more. TJ did much better when people remembered he needed them, not when they told him what he needed.

* * *

They walked to the train in silence, fingers entwined. TJ appreciated the silence and Jack mulled over the things he learned and observed about TJ. When they were seated he watched TJ fidgeting and he put a hand on TJ’s bouncing knee.

TJ looked up, “she means well.”

“No, she doesn’t just mean well, she loves you. She’s human too and she cares. I’m not in the least offended by Janie’s love for you. I love her for her protective streak, even if it makes you fighting mad.”

Jack’s smile melted TJ. “I guess that’s one way to look at it. She’s not exactly a fan of what we’re doing.”

“That’s not true. She’s not a fan of fallout. She wants us to be careful of each other and I’d like to say I am but I haven’t been. I’ve just taken what you have to give and hoped I was giving as much in return.”

TJ thought about that, “You are, have been. I haven’t been fair giving you issue about going home. I will follow you anywhere you’ll have me.”

They were quiet again until they reached their stop. TJ led Jack out of the train and out of the terminal. They paused in the daylight and TJ took a deep breath. “It’s right over there.” He gestured in the direction they needed to go.

Jack put his hand on TJ’s shoulder. “You can do this, just like Monday. And it’s your talent, TJ, not your name or dumb luck.”

TJ’s phone rang and he slid the answer icon. “Dougie, Hey I was just about to grab some coffee before my meeting.”

> “TJ,”
> 
> “Mom? Seriously? You hijacked Dougie’s phone?”
> 
> “You’ve been ignoring my calls. I needed to know for myself you were alive.”
> 
> TJ rolled his eyes, “Ok that’s extreme. I’m alive; Douglas wouldn’t ever keep something like _that_ from you. This is not respecting my requests. Mom, I’m fine. I have a business meeting that I need to get to.”
> 
> “You have time for coffee, but you don’t have time for your mother?”
> 
> “My mother is busy being president and believing – of all things – the press. When my mother wants to hear about the things that matter to me she can have her people schedule a meeting with me.”

Jack wanted to tune this out; he didn’t want to hear mother and son angst. He wasn’t over the anger with his own mother, he tried to walk ahead, but TJ’s hand reached out for his and wouldn’t allow for him to widen the space between them.

> “TJ, I can’t ever apologize if you won’t speak to me. I’m calling on the one phone I know you’ll answer calls from. I was wrong to jump to conclusions. I just want to know how you are doing.”
> 
> “I’m fine momma. I am clean; I’m working on selling songs I’ve written. I don’t want to tell you who I’m meeting because I don’t want any interference. I can do this myself.”
> 
> “I know you can, and I know you’ll impress everyone. Do you think you can end this embargo? Call your mother once in a while?”
> 
> “Fine, you got me. I’ll call when I have news about my music. Deal?”
> 
> “No deal. I want you to call me then and other times too. Like when you think of me as your mom and not as “the president”.”
> 
> “Ok I can do that too. Just stop being sneaky, huh?”
> 
> “Do you need anything? Douglas said you had limited funds.”
> 
> “I’m not too proud; I could use a small advance. I haven’t sold anything yet and I’ve had a weakness for coffee shop coffee so between trains, planes and cabs plus food, I’m getting close, but I will pay you back.”
> 
> “I’ll have the funds added to your account. Promise me you’ll be safe.”
> 
> “I promise the money won’t go for drugs or alcohol.”
> 
> “That’s not what I said.”
> 
> “I know but it’s what you meant. I understand. I won’t even buy prostitutes with it.” Jack looked aside at TJ with a shocked grin. And TJ was pleased with the stammering sounds on the other end of the line. “Unless that’s ok?”
> 
> “Thomas, really.”
> 
> “I love you momma.”
> 
> “I love you too, TJ.”

“TJ!” Jack laughed aloud, “You’re an irreverent SOB.”

“I could have resisted, no, really I couldn’t.” TJ smiled satisfied. “So! I could have maintained my stubborn “do it myself” position and refused money from my mother or I could take the offering and maybe I can treat you to a sit-down dinner somewhere tonight after getting the best offer in the history of music. Or after getting summarily dismissed. Either way.”

“First, I’m disappointed, I swear I just heard promises of prostitutes. And second, you won’t be dismissed. You are going to nail every meeting you ever have and you’re going to have to be the one to turn people down. I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say that before you believe it.”

“Well, it’s not realistic. So I won’t be a party to your delusions.” They stopped in front of the coffee shop, “I’ll have time for a sip at best. Let’s go get you set up and I’ll just steal some of your coffee before I run.”

* * *

Inside the theater, TJ watched the rehearsal, listening to the piano player as he waited. He would have stayed with Jack for coffee if he’d known he’d be waiting in the darkened seats. Oh well, it showed well to be punctual, even if the people he was meeting were not. The man he was meeting turned twice during the run to make eye contact, which was nice at least. He would smile an apologetic smile and go back to what he was doing. Finally, he stood from his seat and approached. TJ rose and greeted him with a handshake.

“I’m sorry this went long. It happens from time to time. I’m not keeping you from anything, am I?”

“No sir, I’m fine to wait.” The man sat next to TJ.

“Let’s get the pleasantries out of the way while they work through this. I’m looking forward to hearing what you have to offer. A friend of mine heard you play at some party and was excited to talk you up when he heard I was meeting with you. Are you able to come to a mixer this evening? Perhaps we could talk more.”

“Sir, I’ll have to make my excuses here. I hope the meeting isn’t contingent on the mixer, I’m an addict, and a party built around drinking might not be the best option for me at this point in my recovery.”

“Of course.” He said and TJ thought that it sounded more like a dismissal of his concerns than an answer, “you know if you want to get ahead in this circle you’ve got a lot of those parties to wade through.”

“I feel confident in taking my chances. Like I said, if the job opening requires my attendance at the party, I’ll have to take my leave.”

The man put his hand firmly on TJ’s knee with a squeeze, “I like my team to be a team, TJ.”

TJ removed the man's hand and rose to his feet, “I’m afraid I’m not the right player for your team sir. I apologize for wasting your time.”

TJ was shaking when he left; it was a different kind of agitation than he was familiar with, and had a different kind of urgency. He felt the change in the air pressure from inside to outside the building and turned left instead of right upon leaving the theater. He ducked into a store and tapped his fingers nervously on the counter as the young girl smiled at him before finishing up with the man in front of him. Thoughts of the proposition swirled through his mind, he was worth more than that, better than a job based on extramural favors. The very idea of the implications made him uneasy. He tried to smile back at the girl and hoped he succeeded. When she asked if she could help him his voice trembled, but he worked around it. “I need to add another phone to my plan.”

She smiled through the sale, encouraging him when he looked at the newest and shiniest model. TJ felt just a tiny bit better leaving the store. He punched a few buttons on the new phone, which he’d plugged into his backup battery so it could charge. He put a picture of himself on the contact for his number and sent a sappy text message to the phone from his own phone that Jack could read later.

* * *

Jack was reading the local section of the paper, thinking of things they could do that afternoon that might make TJ happy when he saw a shadow darken his table. He looked up to see the silhouette of a blonde man. “TJ?” the deep voice asked. Jack tilted his head to get a glimpse of the face of the man who had obviously mistaken him for TJ; he recognized the face instantly, having poured over pictures of him while Janie had told him about Sean Reeves.

Jack opted to keep the puzzled look in place for an extra-long silent moment. “Sean.” He spoke disdainfully. “Where are your cronies? You know the bullies who cat-called my friend while you spoke down to her and called her a two-bit whore?” Jack rose to his feet, with his shoulders squared. “Where is your nasty attitude now that they’re not around?”

Sean looked bewildered, he seemed to recognize that it wasn’t TJ but couldn’t completely be certain and that made Jack smile. It was Jack’s feral smile, not TJ’s sweet one.

“Listen, I’m sorry about that.”

“No, you don’t get to apologize to me. You can apologize to him.” Jack had seen TJ come into the coffee shop.

Sean’s look of confusion was magnified when TJ approached and Jack pulled him close, nuzzling his neck, partly for show and part because he just loved TJ’s scent.

TJ saw the outline of the man and recognized Sean’s stance and his build from the door. He saw Jack’s smile curl up into something predatory and he was drawn into the scene without thought. When he heard Jack telling Sean he needed to apologize to him he reached out for Jack and slipped into his embrace. He was still reeling from the come-on in the theater and was eager to give Jack his shiny new gift.

“Sean.” He didn’t know it but his tone mirrored Jack’s – Jack knew it and Sean definitely knew it. “I don’t want an apology from you. I want an apology for my friend, but unfortunately, she’s not here right now. I want you to not acknowledge me when you walk past me on the street and I want you to carry on in your delusions, and if you’re happy, fine. If you’re not, you have no one to blame but yourself.”

TJ turned to Jack without waiting for a response, “Are you ready Jack?”

“If you are.” Jack followed TJ to the door. Once they were on the other side of the glass he asked him “Are you alright?”

“No, but it’s not him. Hey, I got you something. He slipped the shiny black phone into Jack’s hand. “I don’t want to find that I have an urgent need to talk to you and not have a way to get through to you.”

“It’s beautiful, thank you TJ. Sssooo,” Jack said, lengthening the word, fearing the answer to his next question, “what happened?”

“I was almost guaranteed a job." TJ started with a fake positive tone that eroded to the disappointed continuation, "The guy came on to me, hand on my leg came on to me, and informed me I needed to go to alcohol-fueled mixers in order to make it in “this circle”. I felt incredibly uncomfortable.” TJ explained as they walked.

“Then you come and find _him_ in your space. I’m so sorry Kitten.”

“I’m not." TJ's voice was firm, strong, "It was a test of strength and I stood up to both of them. I’m ok, or I will be. So. What do you want to do next?”

“TJ, are you sure you don’t want to talk about either of those things?”

“I really did want to talk to you about the grabby guy – which is why I was motivated to get the phone. By the time I got it and had it ready for you, my anxiety died down enough. Then Sean, was he harassing you?”

“To be honest, I didn’t give him the opportunity. I can’t say I was incredibly nice to him but I’m not sorry.” Jack answered.

“Back to my question, because I don’t want to worry about either negative experience today, the day’s had enough drama and I haven’t even called my dad yet. What do you want to do next Jack?

“I don’t know; do you happen to know where a guy with no access to a pretty decent sized bank account could get his hair cut after a year of really poor access to the outside world?”

“What? You don’t want to cut it yourself any longer?”

“Oh, honey, it was worse than that. Lucinda would cut it until I yelled at her to keep her hands off of me.” Jack paused, “I was an ass; she didn’t ask to be in that place any more than I did.”

“But she prolonged it.” TJ said sadly.

“She loved me, she was desperate.”

“Yeah, I can see why. Don’t make me feel bad for her.” TJ smiled softly. “Barbershop or salon?”

“I don’t care. Street-vendor would work at this point.”

“That reminds me I still haven’t had a street vendor hot dog. That is going to be my lunch.”

“Are you sure you’re ok about the thing back there?” Jack asked, “I could go back and punch him if you’d like.”

“That would not bode well. You’re a fugitive, punching a senator would be very bad.” TJ chuckled. “Thank you, though. Hang on; let me make a phone call. This will be fast.” TJ stopped on the spot and called Janie for a recommendation for Jack’s future haircut and made promises to tell her all about the meeting later. He then called the suggested salon and asked to be put on the cancelation list. With his name being dropped to expedite the request, he received an immediate “just come in any time, Mr. Hammond.”

“OK. He turned to Jack. “You’re all set. After my hot dog.”

They tracked down a hotdog vendor using Jack’s new phone, “I can’t thank you enough for the phone, TJ. I feel better being able to let you know where I am, or to be there for you.” Jack felt grateful but sighed in frustration, “I wish I could do more.”

“Which is why I need to call my dad.” TJ said, licking mustard from his thumb, “Let’s pull up a bench and kill a few minutes while I eat this and check with him. I told you it was going to get harder before it got easier, just let me do nice things for you and soon enough you can do the same.”

“Yes, you did and I didn’t believe you.” Jack tried to force a smile but faltered. “I am so grateful to you and to Janie. I’d be quite literally on the street if it weren’t for the circumstances that threw us together. I’d be just wishing for one of these.” Jack took a bite of his hotdog.

TJ leaned forward and kissed Jack’s cheek when he was finally seated next to him. “It was fate.” TJ dialed his phone, took a bite, and had to talk around the mouthful when his father answered right away.

> “Hey, Dad. I was just checking in on what we’d talked about.”
> 
> “Son, you got yourself a heap of trouble.”
> 
> “You already knew that” TJ swallowed a lump along with the food “– please tell me you’re not quitting.”
> 
> “I’m not quittin’ son, but there’s some real shit going on over there.”
> 
> “Hydra.” TJ whispered before he could take his next bite.
> 
> “How did you know that? That boy’s not involved in –”
> 
> “No dad. No… say, dad? What part of the country are you even in?”
> 
> “I’m on my way to New York, I was going to come and see you.”
> 
> “Maybe that would be best. I’m going to invite a couple of friends though. This might be something they need to hear.”
> 
> “What? Who are you mixed up with TJ?”
> 
> “Dad, you’ll find out. Just call me when you land.”

TJ set his food on the bench between him and Jack and rubbed the back of his neck waiting for his father’s response. If his loquacious father was speechless, things were really messed up.

> “I’ll do that son. Tell me you’re safe.”
> 
> “As safe as a guy can be sitting in a park eating a street vendor hotdog.” TJ smirked. “Honest, dad, it’s nothing.”
> 
> “I want you to get your mother to send you a detail.”
> 
> “No.” TJ was emphatic. “No I won’t do that. I’m practically invisible right now and having people surrounding me would be a very bad idea. For my health. Don’t interfere with that Dad.”
> 
> “I don’t like it TJ.”
> 
> “I understand, but I can’t do it Dad. Just call me when you land and we can meet.”
> 
> “Ok, will do.”

TJ stood, collected his hot dog and walked the short distance to the trash can. As he dropped the mostly uneaten food into the bin, he turned on his heel back to where Jack sat watching on the park bench.

Jack watched TJ closely from the whispered “Hydra” through the entire conversation, proud of his standing up to his father with such authority, he’d assumed he was talking about security and he could see what TJ meant, it was freeing to not have someone flanking you, and it was also a strange adjustment.

“Damn I hope he listens to me.” TJ was saying as he sat down beside Jack.

“What’s up?” Jack tried to make it sound casual. “Hotdog not so great after all?”

“Lost my appetite.” TJ swallowed the lump in his throat, “he wants me to have mom send a security detail. I don’t want that. Not in the least.”

“Is there a reason? I mean something that you can get them to understand?”

“The reason is I don’t want to be reported on. I don’t believe for a minute that my movements aren’t being relayed back to my mother.”

“You’re doing a great job TJ. Do you think your aversion to security could be a throwback to not wanting your drug habits to be conveyed?”

“I’m trying to live honestly and I want to be fucking trusted.” TJ took a bracing breath, “Another reason is that I’ve recently discovered that the freedom of moving about without looking over my shoulder and seeing someone shadowing me made me feel… real… made me feel normal. It’s nice to not have to evade them in order move independent of them.”

“That is a sentiment I can understand.” Jack took TJ’s hand in his. "You should talk to them and tell them you want to feel normal. They'd understand eventually."

“We should get to the salon while we wait for my father.” TJ leaned forward to stand and was stopped by Jack’s hand moving to his shoulder.

“Are we not even going to talk about the whispered “Hydra” when you were talking to your father?”

TJ sat back again and sighed. “I was hoping you hadn’t heard that. I figured we’d talk about it soon enough. I don’t know anything. He said that I have myself “a heap of trouble” and that there’s some “real shit going on over there”.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . . . .  
>  this is actually the first portion of their day, the chapter went very long and has been split into two - will post the second piece soon.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, you’re up, are you Prince Jack or just Jack?” TJ leaned in close to whisper. He was only half teasing, honestly not wanting to offend propriety.
> 
> “Hilarious.” Jack smirked, knowing the motivation, appreciating TJ’s consideration. “Jack. Thanks for checking with me, though, TJ.”
> 
> TJ wrapped his fingers around Jack’s wrist and led him over to the group who were talking. He waited for a break in the conversation which came as soon as Bud saw Jack standing beside TJ. “Well, slap my ass and call me Charlie!” he exclaimed to TJ’s embarrassment. “If he ain’t the spittin’ image of you TJ.”

 

TJ sat back again and sighed. “I was hoping you hadn’t heard that. I figured we’d talk about it soon enough. I don’t know anything. He said that I have myself “a heap of trouble” and that there’s some “real shit going on over there”.”

Jack let those words settle as he contemplated the implications. He didn’t know where Michelle was and Steve and Sam hadn’t left yet. They’d considered the possibility but even then, to Jack on some level it had only been hypothetical.

“So now you’re going to call Steve?”

“Are you ok Jack?” TJ needed to address the concern in Jack’s gaze first.

“It was always a possibility.” Jack evaded the question, realizing the avoidance was answer enough.

TJ wrapped both arms around Jack’s arm and rested his chin on his shoulder. “They’ll be ok.”

Jack angled his head to look aside at TJ, “We don’t know that, but thanks for the vote of confidence.”

TJ brushed a kiss along Jack’s jaw as Jack turned his head. “I am going to call Steve. I should give him a heads up. I can do that while you’re in the stylist’s chair.”

“Yeah, TJ let’s postpone that. I just want to sit around here until we know where we’re going.”

“I know where we’ll end up, so if you're sure, let’s just head there and I can let my dad know where we'll be. That way Steve and Sam can head over if they’re still in town. I’m pretty sure they’re going to want to head over.” TJ stood in front of Jack and offered his hand.

Jack took the offer rising to his feet and continued to hold onto TJ’s hand as they walked. TJ hailed a cab once they reached the street and gave directions to the building in which the penthouse where he’d spent many nights growing up was located.

“I don’t know how much you know about my dad, but I have to warn you, he has absolutely no filter.” TJ looked at Jack, gauging his reaction, “He’ll say anything, he’ll use any word in the English language to express himself and some of them are crude, some are crass and some are downright embarrassing. He’ll likely say something obtuse and it will probably sting (you or me), but please, just let him ramble. He’s deceivingly smart behind all of the utter ridiculousness.”

“He’s talking about doing me a favor; I’ll allow him all the leeway you wish. I’ll have a hard time if he starts talking down to you.” Jack smiled slyly at TJ, “Maybe we could have a signal for when he’s pushed you too far. You could give me one snarky comment?”

“Nope. Let’s not jeopardize the possibility that he can help you.”

After departing the cab, as they approached the door of the building, TJ called Steve and told him about the confirmed Hydra activity and that he knew nothing else, “but I’m meeting my dad in just a little bit if you want to come by and get the information from him directly.”

> “Thank you TJ, I’ll be there shortly. We were about to head out, your timing was perfect.” He sounded the opposite of relieved at the news but at the same time he sounded more than grateful to be getting this extra information.
> 
> “Thanks, I think.” TJ scrubbed at the back of his neck, “I’m glad I could help.”

Jack was quiet going into the building and entering the elevator, thinking about everything that was happening, “Hey, TJ?”

“Yeah baby? Don’t worry – he doesn’t bite, hard.” TJ winked, trying at playful but managing to be less than successful.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m worried about your dad. You haven’t met mine. When Steve and Sam were over Sam suggested I get his number. He works with vets and – I don’t want you to think I don’t want to share with you, but it’s not a bad idea to have someone…”

TJ waited for Jack’s pause before interrupting. “Someone who knows. I have Janie, Jack and as much as you two have hit it off, she doesn’t have the background, I get it.”

“You wouldn’t mind giving me his number? I could ask Sam later but I think they’ll be busy.”

“Hell no, I don’t mind. I’ll give you Steve’s too, he did say if _either_ of us needed anything.” As Jack added the info, TJ’s phone started to ring.

“It’s your dad.” Jack told TJ, as the name obliterated the info he’d been looking at.

“Sorry.” TJ politely apologized.

> “Dad – I’m in an elevator, might lose you. We’re headed up to the penthouse.”
> 
> “That’s fine, Son, that’s exactly where I was headed.”
> 
> “As soon as I started trying to figure out where we could meet I realized that was the best option. Secure, safe and still comfortable. I’ll have three friends here Dad, Jack plus two. Alert your detail, and no, I haven’t reconsidered.” TJ and Jack stepped out of the elevator into the foyer of the penthouse.
> 
> “Fine, I won’t say anything else about it. You know I need to know who is gonna be there.”
> 
> “Yes dad. I know. The plus two are Captain Steve Rogers and his friend Sam Wilson.”
> 
> “Ok, fine TJ.” Bud answered automatically, then as it registered his tone changed from casual disinterest, TJ figured he was writing it down, to astonishment “Hold up, hold up, what did you just say?”
> 
> “I said Captain Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson will be here at roughly the same time as you get here.”
> 
> “Well, I’ll be god damned! You don’t mean Captain America?”
> 
> “Yes dad. That’s essentially what I said.” TJ rolled his eyes and Jack smirked, enjoying the delight on TJ’s face. “You guys really should show more interest in what I am doing instead of what it is that you’re afraid I’m doing. It’s much more interesting. So how long before you get here? You know I shouldn’t be alone with a fully stocked bar.”

Jack gave TJ a bug-eyed look with his mouth wide open in shock. “I’ve told you you’re an irreverent SOB right?” Jack said softly next to TJ’s ear. TJ shoved him away with a grin, holding two fingers up. “This makes the second time, today.” TJ whispered away from the phone.

“Makes the second time you’ve earned it.” Jack shot back from the sofa as he fell onto it, his arms behind his head, his legs stretched out in front of him crossed at the ankles.

> “Yeah Dad, I was only kidding.” TJ answered his dad’s stammering reply to his comment.
> 
> “I should be there in 20 minutes or less.”
> 
> “Ok, see you when you get here.”

TJ settled in on the sofa next to Jack, linking their fingers. “I should stop torturing my parents huh?”

“I don’t know, it amuses me, is that not a good reason to encourage you?”

“Probably not.” TJ chuckled.

“It’s still fresh, play with it for a while; it makes you feel good and only gives them mild palpitations.” Jack’s smile was soft. “Don’t worry about them. You’ve spent your whole life worrying about them.”

TJ considered what Jack said, it was true, worry about what his parents would think, worry about how he’d make them look, worry about what he’d done after the fact, always focused on his family and never considering his own well-being or personal safety. TJ was used to giving up the worry only while he was in an altered state, could he do it consciously?

“Not sure how to do that.” TJ mused. “I guess starting with teasing is safe enough.”

“Of course it is. How to do it? I can’t say, I think you’ve started though, with the move and your stance on the security detail. Just keep doing little things that are in your comfort zone I think.” Jack thought for a moment, “listen to me, telling you how to do something I never learned to do. I had to be essentially cut off before I could make a move.”

TJ sat up straight from his slouched, relaxed position and turned to face Jack, sitting with one leg bent on the cushion, the other firmly on the floor. He regarded Jack before speaking.

“This meeting might be pretty heavy for you Jack. I want you to know I’m here for you.” TJ placed his hand on Jack’s thigh “I’ve done the only thing I can do and that’s get people together. From here on in, you and the master planners will be talking and working on things, so if you need to take even a second, turn away and find me. I can still lend support.”

Jack’s fingers traced TJ’s before he took his hand in his. “I appreciate that. I’ll be looking for you, don’t stray too far away. I'm afraid the boredom and monotony will get to you before the meeting could be a problem for me. If I could just be sure Michelle was ok.”

“What if your parents –”

“I don’t know. I’m not worried about them. I guess that’s harsh, I’m sorry it’s harsh, but they hurt me the most. Michelle never did, it was me who never did right by her.” Jack tried to mask his pain; TJ brushed his cheek with his free hand.

“You are doing something now. If you need to go –” TJ was interrupted by his phone, “It’s Steve. Hey Steve, you close?”

> “Hello – Uh, yeah, TJ we’re downstairs.”
> 
> “Elevator, come on up to the penthouse – access has been granted. See you in a few.”
> 
> “Thank you. See you.”

“As I was saying, if you need to go with them to ensure her safety, I’ll hate every minute but I’ll understand.”

“If I don’t go am I a coward?”

“Well, let me see. Mercenaries are hunting for you; your doppelganger is over there somewhere. Hydra has its hooks in your kingdom; once Sam and Steve find and free your doppelganger from wherever it is he’s being held, they’re going to be hunting for him. The idea of you being hunted by mercenaries is enough for me to say ‘stay put’, but having Hydra hunting you because you look like their target makes me cringe.”

“He’s right.” Steve said, coming in from the silent elevator through the foyer. “You’d be an instant target for Hydra. You’d be an asset to us, with your knowledge of the area and your combat skills and you’d be welcome to join us but you will be at a very high risk.”

“I think Jack needs to sit this one out. His face is too high on their radar,” Sam remembered Jack’s reluctance from their earlier conversation, “one or the other will try to take him and we’ll end up in a situation which could jeopardize finding Barnes, facing down Hydra and cleaning things up there.”

Jack knew Sam was offering him an easy out and he appreciated it. “If you need to, call me, I can help in that way. Technology to the rescue.”

“He’s got a point. We won’t have JARVIS so any backup we can get would be good. Consider yourself on call.” Steve said after thinking about it briefly.

That Jack could still help and be out of harm’s way warmed TJ to no end. “So, fellas, what can I offer you? You’re blessed to have access to a full bar and a staffed kitchen in this place, so anything goes.” TJ rose to go to the house phone. “I have to get ‘em started up for my dad anyway, don’t be shy. Hello, yes this is TJ Hammond. I need to have someone up in the penthouse to man the bar – Mr. Hammond will be in meetings through the afternoon. We’ll need the kitchen staff as well. Thank you.”

TJ walked across the room away from the bar where the phone was conveniently situated. He could have done the task himself but wasn’t comfortable with the thought of being that much closer to the stuff than he was going to be all day. Jack crossed to TJ after greeting Steve and Sam.

“Are you going to be ok?” He put his arms around TJ’s waist. “I know how close you were yesterday and that was with nothing in the place. This is going to get more detailed and that wall of temptation –”

“Yes. And I want you to have a drink if you want it. I don’t want you feeling you need to make your choices based on me.” TJ stepped to the side, resting his arm across Jack’s back and feeling Jack’s arm lying across his waist, letting the contact bolster his strength.

“I’m making them based on me. You remember Saturday when we sat through the meeting in the park? When I realized I might have made choices for the wrong reasons?”

“Was it only Saturday?” TJ’s smile was a mixture of warm and troubled.

“Your escape from craziness has just thrown you into more craziness. I’m sorry TJ.”

“I met you. That’s all that matters.”

“That’s far too simplified." Jack told TJ, "Ok so here is the plan: I’m staying put with you and I’m still going to be able to help them. If I get involved today and excited, it’s because I am invested and because it’s something I know – and I haven’t had that in a long time – with the exception of yesterday. I don’t want you to worry. If it gets too crazy for you, is there someplace you can go to feel safe? And where is that so I can find you?”

“You’re a quick learner.” TJ smiled. “We’ll be right back.” TJ told the two who were involved in their own conversation.

TJ led Jack down a wide hallway to a room with glass walls overlooking the city. “I usually stay in here. This is where I’d typically come.” He crossed the room to an upholstered bench. He reached down between the sections and pulled out a bag. “it’s not safe yet, though.”

Jack held his hand open to the bagged powder as TJ handed it to him, then watched TJ as he unearthed several more stashes, and dropped each one onto the previous one.

“Jesus TJ.” His jaw dropped.

TJ fished something out from under a dresser and walked up to Jack. He stood facing him, “I swear on my life that is all of it.”

“I believe you. What next?” He asked. Making the decision was TJ’s even though all Jack wanted to do was flush it without asking.

“Flush it.”

“Can I ask something else?”

“Anything Jack.”

“Is there anything in any of the other rooms?” It was fear that made him ask, acknowledging an urgent need for backup. He hoped his question didn't hurt TJ.

“If there is, it’s not mine nor do I have any knowledge of it.”

"Ok then, this is it." Jack crossed to the bathroom and carefully dumped the contents of each bag into the toilet while TJ watched, only slightly anxious, in the doorway. He then flushed the toilet and rinsed each bag in the sink before discarding them and washing his hands to his elbows. TJ stepped up to the sink to wash his hands in case there was any residue from the outsides of the bags.

“Are you ok kitten?” Jack asked after drying his hands and handing TJ the towel.

TJ finished drying his hands and tossed the towel aside. He slipped his arms around Jack’s waist and touched his forehead to Jack’s throat, feeling the pulse throbbing there he felt more grounded. He thought hard about the other room and hiding places, ticking off each one in his head before concluding he had, indeed, gotten everything and he felt good about it.

“I am ok. I would have flushed it myself but if it would have gotten on my skin, then – well you must know. You took ample precautions.”

“Midway through I thought to ask you if you’d rather do it, then I realized I was getting powder blowback and that wouldn’t be the best thing for you to be doing.”

“That’s really the last of it." TJ sighed, "I honestly don’t have anything else hiding in any other place that I’ve stayed. That’s kind of a big deal.”

“It’s really a big deal. Come on kitten, we have guests and we left them rather abruptly.”

“It’s ok. I feel they could forgive us.”

Jack stood aside, pride warming him as TJ offered apologies for leaving them. “I’m really sorry about disappearing like that,” he’d said coming back into the room, “had a little contingency plan to work out. The last time you guys got into planning, I had a moment of temptation. Resisted.” He smirked proudly, “This time there’s this wall of temptation over here so I just had to ensure that I had a safe haven.”

“TJ, that was a very strong choice to make,” Sam offered, sincerely impressed, “fantastic job, man.”

“I’m proud of you, TJ.” Steve said genuinely, with a reassuring smile, “I wish you'd said something yesterday, I wasn’t aware we’d made you uncomfortable.”

“Thanks guys. It wasn’t any of you; it was me having a moment. I’m prepared for it this time. Well, almost, here comes Bud Hammond.” TJ rolled his eyes as he heard the elevator signal its ascent. He was going to be the center of attention for the next few minutes – aside from the vast presence that was his father of course – and that terrified him.

“TJ!” the booming voice of his father obscured the shuffling of security and the sounds of his luggage being dropped to the floor. “Give your father a hug!”

TJ knew it was coming and was wrapping his arms around his father as it was coming out of his mouth. “Dad, thanks for coming. Do me a favor, please? Let’s save any personal conversations until after business is done, and after Captain Rogers and Mr. Wilson have left. Please?”

Bud regarded his son, taking in the weariness, around his eyes, and the clarity in them coupled with the tired smile. He’d been talking so much to so many people all the way here but now he just had a moment to look after his boy. “I promise, Son. I’ll do my best.”

“As usual, that’s all any of us can do.” TJ smiled. “Thank you.”

TJ steered his father into the main area, “Captain Rogers, Mr. Wilson, I’d like you to meet my father Bud Hammond. Dad, this is Captain Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson.”

“I’m pleased to meet you, Mr. Hammond.” Steve stepped forward and offered his hand.

TJ stepped away as Sam stepped forward. He sought out Jack who had hung back, “Hey, your turn.” He said softly. “You ok?”

“Yeah. For being nervous about making introductions you did well.” Jack slid his fingers along the back of TJ’s hand. “Breeding.” They both said at the same time with a dry chuckle.

“So, you’re up, are you Prince Jack or just Jack?” TJ leaned in close to whisper. He was only half teasing, honestly not wanting to offend propriety.

“Hilarious.” Jack smirked, knowing the motivation, appreciating TJ’s consideration. “Jack. Thanks for checking with me, though, TJ.”

TJ wrapped his fingers around Jack’s wrist and led him over to the group who were talking. He waited for a break in the conversation which came as soon as Bud saw Jack standing beside TJ. “Well, slap my ass and call me Sue!” he exclaimed to TJ’s embarrassment. “If he ain’t the spittin’ image of you TJ.”

“Dad. This is Jack Benjamin. Jack, my father, Bud Hammond.” TJ uncomfortably introduced the pair, still cringing at his father’s choice phrase. Even though he knew it was bound to happen, and could have been worse, that didn’t make it any less awkward.

Steve knew awkward, and felt bad for TJ just now, and poor Jack too. “Sir, if you’ll forgive my impatience, we were planning to head out for Gilboa this afternoon. I am anxious to hear what you have to report on Hydra in Gilboa. I’m confident that if we get started right away we can still head out today.”

“Of course.” Bud ushered everyone into a room that was occupied mostly by a conference table and chairs. There was a computer and a projector the ceiling was high like the rest of the place and one wall was mostly windows. Bud ordered a drink as they passed to enter the room. “And be sure to get everyone else what they need.” He told the bartender.

TJ lingered by the bar after everyone filtered into the room, “please bring Captain Rogers and Mr. Wilson a beer. They’re too polite to ask for one in front of me.” He told the bartender. “Cola please.”

TJ took his soda in with him and smiled as everyone was surprised when the bartender brought the drinks. He sat near Jack for a while as they discussed Hydra and their claim that the king was dead. He took Jack’s hand and held it, unable to tell how he was taking the news. As discussions progressed, Jack became engaged in the conversation. TJ started to fidget and finally left the room, headed for the piano.

TJ played as they worked. Jack heard it through the open door and at one point, overwhelmed with information, and trying to process the fear for his sister and the news that his father might be dead, excused himself. He wandered to where TJ sat playing. He stood in the window near the piano until TJ came to the end of Jack’s favorite song, ‘Sunday’ then he sat next to TJ on the bench.

“Bored already?” Jack tried to tease.

“Before it even started, I was about to come back to be supportive.” TJ replied.

“I appreciate it. I know I need to be in there but it’s hard. I could consider myself safe, I guess. But the man has failed to die before.” Jack said absently. “That probably sounds harsh.”

TJ put his hand on Jack’s back, idly rubbing it. “Complex. You _can_ simultaneously love and despise your father; you can also be hopeful for your safety and upset for the loss of opportunities for a better relationship with him.”

“It sounds better that way.” Jack gave TJ a half-hearted smile. “You going to play some more? Or would you come back in with me?”

“I’d prefer staying out here, but if you need me I’m there.” TJ got up and stood behind Jack, his hands deepened their contact with Jack’s back muscles, from a soft tickle to a muscle massage.

“I’m not asking you to do anything painful, the music is soothing, that’s almost as good.” Jack’s smile, though small, was open.

“You don’t have to go back in there either. Nobody would fault you for needing to distance yourself; you can still help Steve and Sam when they’re on the mission.” At Jack’s sad nod, TJ added, “Don’t worry about it, I’m with you baby.” TJ moved to the side of the bench and took Jack’s hand, tugging him to his feet, “let’s go get more info.”

Steve had to hand it to Bud Hammond. Crass as he could get, he knew what he was talking about as he discussed probabilities and options. The most important new data was the confirmation that Hydra was in place. That wasn’t anything too surprising, but things were definitely complicated by the fact that there was no government in place and Hydra was in control of a militant country.

He noticed when TJ left, even before the music started. He couldn’t blame him, between this clearly not being his thing and the fact that he deeply cared for Jack, the news had to be overwhelming. Something else he noticed was how Bud Hammond didn’t seem to be very sympathetic to TJ’s addiction, ordering drinks right out of the gate. TJ’d even had the “keep a drink in their hands” habit so impressed upon him that he’d seen to it that the room had drinks in spite of their trying to be sensitive to his needs.

Sam watched everything and everyone, listened to what he needed to know, and worried. This could be far worse than they’d first expected and he wasn’t going to be happy to have to deal with Steve if they got there too late to save Barnes. Jack was a mess, worrying about his family, even the ones who’d mistreated him. If his father was actually one of the mortally wounded as reported, Sam could tell Jack was experiencing some conflicting feelings. TJ had bailed early on, coping with his boredom and concern with music. Sam wasn’t any surer what to think of Bud Hammond than he had been when the man was president. He was impressed with the bank of knowledge but it was so hard to take the man seriously with his down-home idioms and his blatant disregard of social graces.

As the discussions and planning progressed, food was delivered and devoured while continuing to use the computer and projector. They printed specifications and maps, “wow, Jack, this map you drew for us yesterday is nearly perfect.” Sam observed, placing Jack’s rendition over the printed version and holding them to the light to see the few variations.

“Thanks. Between the military, cartography, and geography studies I suppose I retained some knowledge.” Jack nearly blushed under the compliment.

Armed with information from Hammond’s sources, Steve and Sam dismissed themselves, with farewell wishes for and from Jack and TJ and gratitude to Mr. Hammond. Their leaving signaled the shift of the conversation to personal fare, and TJ’s nerves were at their most sensitive. Even nervous and agitated, TJ noticed as Jack came into the room how hard today was for him, and they hadn’t even talked about his status in _this_ country yet.

Jack gravitated toward TJ as they filed out of the conference room. His head hurt, he was emotionally spent trying to keep a lid on the personal side of things. He really just wanted to bury his head in TJ’s arms and weep or sleep or maybe both. He accepted the goodbyes of the men who were going into his country to root out the danger and he was just letting them. Even the senior Hammond agreed it was the best course of action but Jack’s newly found sense of honor was taking a bruising.

He sank into the sofa cushion next to TJ, linked arms with him, and put his head on TJ’s shoulder. They waited for Bud to have more food and another drink.

“TJ, how are you holding up?” Jack asked softly.

“On edge. I’m sure it will pass.” TJ dismissed the conversation.

“Don’t do that kitten, you can tell me. Yeah, I’m a mess too, but please talk to me.”

TJ faced Jack, “I know baby. I’d rather not just yet, let’s get through this conversation with him and then we can go home.”

Jack saw that TJ was trying to conquer the agitated nerves and pressing it wouldn’t help, “you got it. Home. Just don’t forget you promised Janie you’d go to a meeting.”

“Shit. I’m going to have to tell her I’ve had one too many meetings today. Of course then she’ll say “that’s the perfect reason for one more, TJ.” Fuck.” TJ buried his face in Jack’s neck.

“He’s coming.” Jack whispered into the top of TJ’s head, savoring TJ’s clean scent before TJ sat up just a little, still leaning on Jack’s arm.

“So, Jack.” Bud’s booming voice followed Jack’s alert to TJ, “Do you want to stay in the U.S.?”

“Sir? More than anything.”

“You do realize once your father’s status is confirmed, you’re the king of Gilboa?”

“Sir – I would be king if I were to accept the crown.” Jack sat forward, shoulders squared, “For my entire life I thought that was what I wanted, but I’ve found in the time I’ve been incarcerated that I wasn’t that person. I couldn’t be.

“Someone very special told me that I deserve to be who I really am. It took a year of close inspection and grief to realize who that is. It took finding someone like TJ who made me want to hold onto that. I’m no king. The person who rules Gilboa should want to do it for the people and I only ever wanted it for the approval and entitlement. I've found that I’m better than that. Stronger.”

TJ was so exhausted from the day that he’d nearly tuned out everything when his father practically stabbed him in the back by telling Jack he was the king of a place TJ had no real interest in going. He nearly missed out on Jack declining the insistence, but he didn’t. His exhaustion prompted a giddy response and he couldn't contain the comment that burst out of him, “But Jack – you mean to tell me you don’t want _me_ to be your Queen?”

Jack’s laughter rocked the sofa and TJ’s embarrassment faded into giggles. “Oh my god TJ!” Jack managed between gasps for air.

They both just laughed harder at Bud’s wide eyes and throat clearing.

TJ was actually the first to attempt to stop, “Sorry dad. You were saying.” He asked, still smothering hysterical giggles.

Bud looked at the two young men; his son looked like he was near breaking, like one poorly chosen word would have him vaulting the bar. Jack didn’t seem much better, having to hear about his family without any concrete information must tear the boy up inside. Although he hadn’t been given any formal announcement that the two were intimate, the looks they shared alone were telling, and when they didn’t hide their affections, he knew that this time he had to do anything he could for TJ even if this relationship was ill-advised.

“I will sponsor Jack for political asylum. We might hit a bit of a snag if he can’t meet refugee status based on his actions of a year ago. I’m prepared to fight but I don’t expect we’re going to get that far.” Bud watched both boys tense and release the tension as his comment progressed, “If there’s a sympathetic party in Gilboa when all is said and done, Jack could lobby for a pardon, and that would make this all just a bunch of red tape. I’d consider who you know, son, that could be of assistance to you. In the off chance that the refugee contingency falls through.”

“In the meantime is he safe here Dad?” TJ leaned forward, eager for answers.

“Yes, he’s under my protection.”

They both sat back like the weight of the world had lifted.

“You know it’s temporary.” Bud warned.

“But it’s enough, sir.” Jack sat forward again to rise. He shook Bud’s hand gratefully, “Thank you, it’s more than I imagined less than a week ago.”

“Dad,” TJ rose, hugging his father tightly “I can’t thank you enough. I also wonder if we couldn’t get a ride home. I just want to take a few minutes of peace before my NA meeting tonight.”

“You’re taking off just like that?”

“Yeah, there’s way too much temptation just in this room alone. Maybe brunch tomorrow before you take off?”

“That’s a fine idea. You’re sure you won’t take along one of the –”

“Security again dad?” TJ interrupted, “No. I feel I have a compelling reason. For the first time in my life, I’m able to move around and live my life almost as though I were a normal person. I am enjoying the freedom and I’m safe. Please?”

“Ok son. I’ll try not to mention it again. Don’t fault me for worryin’.”

“I know dad, and I appreciate it. It’s just not who I am.” TJ hugged his dad once more before gesturing to Jack that they were about to head out.

“Ok. Brunch tomorrow. I’ll send the car for you both. You can tell me about your latest adventures.” Bud held onto TJ for just a little longer, “I’m proud of what you’re doing TJ. All of it, standing up for someone; standing up for yourself.”

“Thank you dad.” TJ was speechless. “Jack? Are you ready?”

Jack was more than ready. This affection between father and son just reminded him of the disparity – “Yeah, let’s get moving.” Jack said distractedly.

“Jack, it’s been a pleasure to meet you.” Bud said effusively holding out a hand and taking Jack into a hug when Jack moved in for a handshake. “Don’t you worry. We’ll take care of your situation. Be good to my boy.”

Jack reeled from the affection as Bud released him from his embrace. This wasn't something he was accustomed to.

“Sir, I appreciate everything you’re doing for me. I really do. Don’t you worry about TJ, he’s a strong man, and it’s my honor to be good to him. I look forward to the day that I can do as much for him as he’s done for me.”

* * *

“TJ I can’t even wrap my head around it. War plans with Captain America. A roundtable with a former president. A run in with a congressman, and a lewd proposal from a Broadway producer? All in one day?”

“You’ve left out a complete room sweep for drugs and complete avoidance of a wall of alcohol – Janie, he was amazing today.” Jack sat back on the piano bench, resting his elbows on the piano fallboard. “A force to be reckoned with.”

“You guys are making way too big a deal of this. Don’t forget, that former president is just my father. I’ve seen him at his worst. and that congressman – well we’ve all seen him behaving badly.” TJ lay back against the sofa cushion, closing his eyes. “It was tiring, though. You wouldn’t mind, maybe finding an early morning meeting instead of tonight?”

“There’s no way we’re making too big a deal of it. You might be familiar with these types of people, but even you have to admit all of this in one day is a lot – even for the son of _two_ presidents. As for an early morning meeting, I do know of one – if you’re serious.”

“I’m serious, tonight I just want to lie in front of the television and watch movies with my favorite people.” TJ held a hand out to Jack, “Come over here.”

Jack obliged willingly, settling in on TJ’s right on the sofa while Janie scrolled through the guide to find a movie on his left. TJ felt loved being squished between his "favorite people". The words of support from his father and Jack’s response to Bud's subtle warning also worked to warm TJ.


	16. Chapter 16

Steve and Sam sat on a floral sofa in the farmhouse of Gilboa's Minister Daniel Emerson. They’d arrived early in the morning and had called the man as soon as they’d landed. Steve explained the reason for their visit and the man had acted fearful but was cooperative as he invited them to his home in the country.

“Thank you for seeing us.” Steve spoke first.

“The only reason I am is because my family is not here. They were sent to a place of safety as soon as Hydra became more than a quiet threat. You have to know, I love my wife and daughters.”

“We’re not here to judge anyone.” Sam spoke up, “We have reason to believe the man you had create Jack’s documents is a friend of ours.”

“Anything you could tell us about him would be very helpful.” Steve added trying to set the man at ease.

“I know he’s being held at Gehenna. I don’t know too much, I had been in the room when his forged documents had been collected and filed. I never saw the man before I approached him in his cell. I’d heard whisperings that he was being held for Hydra – a golden goose to keep them from terrorizing the citizens." Emerson said, sitting back against the chair, feeling just a little less frazzled.

"He’s being held in solitary confinement. I managed to get a bed for him; he’d requested a bed and a watch in trade for his cooperation.” The man sounded very earnest in his fear-tinged speech. “I’d rather hoped you’d come to help Captain Shepherd free the city from Hydra.”

“It hasn’t been long since the papers for Jack were requested and delivered, but do you know how long the man has been in custody?” Steve asked, tempering his tone to appear less urgent, recognizing the name Shepherd after his words were already in the air.

“I’d say it was about two months ago he was captured in the wilderness north of here, near the Gath border.” The man ran his fingers through his hair, as if that would pull the info out.

“Captain Shepherd? We were hoping to touch base with him” Steve said, “do you know where we can find him?”

“I don’t have his exact whereabouts, mostly rumors, one of his former fellow officers lives not far from here; he might be able to put you in contact.” Emerson walked across the room to a letter desk and wrote the officer's information on a slip of paper.

“Minister Emerson,” Steve sat forward, “the prisoner, how did he appear to you? Was he well?”

“He was as well as can be expected. He was insolent but eventually accommodating. He has been – well, he has this arm –”

“Yes, a metal arm – very powerful.” Steve urged.

“Not any longer – they’ve incapacitated it somehow. It is useless. He’s still an imposing figure, curt, and a little surly, he didn’t flinch at two men holding guns on him; they didn’t deter him from advancing on me. I can’t say how much longer a person can hold up under those conditions but the comfortable bed and an idea of time passing might help keep him in the right way a little longer. For being in solitary confinement for 2 months I’d say he’s holding up well.”

“Did he come into custody with his arm incapacitated or was that done after they’d locked him away? I’m trying to figure out how they managed to bring him in.”

“He was sedated and the arm was disabled when he came in.” Emerson answered as the recollection became clear.

“Minister Emerson, thank you. Jack wanted us to assure you we mean no harm – he expressed remorse for putting you in this position at all.” Sam told the man.

“When you see him again, tell him that if I’d had more strength I’d have done it without coercion. Jack could be fun to be with but he’d also been a difficult person to deal with, even harder to understand, but after that year he was imprisoned, he’d changed. Even with the extortion, he was apologetic. What was done to him was wrong even if the time he’d served did seem to change him for the better.”

“We’ll relay your sentiments. I think it would be safer if you join your family until this is over.” Sam said kindly.

“Thank you. I think I’ll do that. I have things to discuss with them.”

Outside on the walkway to their truck, Sam asked how Steve was holding up.

“Sam, I honestly don’t know. I don’t think they were ever holding Bucky as a bribe for Hydra, you and both know hydra was already on the inside. I am pretty sure Hydra brought him in, they know what it would take to sedate him for long enough to bring him in, and they know how to disable the arm. I hate to think what they’ve been doing to him this time around and it makes me angry that they have him again and we didn’t manage to get to him and keep him safe.”

“We’ll get him out, Steve, whatever it takes. I think it would be a good idea to find Shepherd and see if we can not only help them but get their help as well. He’s bound to know as much about Gehenna as Jack the more we can know the easier a prison break will be.”

“You’re right. I guess we do a little more footwork.”

* * *

“Captain Shepherd, I hear you're the man to come to for help.” Steve said, shaking the young man’s hand as he was ushered into the small house that was a temporary base for the small assembly of people who were uniting to follow David to liberate the city. 

“Please, I’m no captain. I lead this rag-tag group without commission.”

“The way I see it, sir, you’re the closest thing to it.” Steve offered.

“What can I possibly do for you, Captain?” David asked Steve.

“Initially, I was tasked with finding out how you fared – it seems your former prince, Jack was concerned for your wellbeing.” Steve noted the mixed emotions that crossed David’s face. “More recently our involvement in your fight against hydra was requested by one of the Ministers of Gilboa, Mr. Emerson?”

“How did you make Jack’s acquaintance if I might ask?”

“It’s complicated. If you have time I’m sure you’ll find it of interest. It’s pretty much the reason we’re here in Gilboa.”

“You’ve heard from Jack?” a soft voice came from behind them. A young woman with wide glistening eyes, holding a baby in her arms, stood in the doorway.

“You must be Michelle,” Steve said, rising. "Pleased to meet you, Ma'am."

“Yes. Jack’s my brother.” She said softly as she approached.

“He wanted us to check on you as well as Captain Shepherd here.” Steve replied. “He’s safe in America.”

Sam came in from the outside as Steve was explaining the story behind their introduction to Jack Benjamin and his uncanny resemblance to Steve’s friend Bucky. They looked astonished and emotional. Sam sat nearby, offering a comforting presence, as Steve’s story wound down.

David and Michelle took turns telling Steve and Sam how they had been separated and how David had heard from someone while on the run, that a young lady matching the description of the princess was with child and was near the town he'd stopped in to replenish supplies. Even though he had his doubts, he couldn't leave without at least disproving the rumors.

As far as they could guess, they'd been reunited for just longer than the Hydra occupation. Word of Silas' death reached them on the day their son was born. That was when people had started to come to them, begging them to help take back the country. They would need the next several months to build a force that could even consider the fight, but they also needed to confirm or renounce the rumors of Silas’ death. David told Steve that they were moving forward in the belief that Silas was dead. Michelle was the rightful heir unless Jack was going to make a play for it.

“As of my last meeting with Jack, he was adamant that he didn’t feel the call any longer. I’d say you’re safe to continue with your plans for the country. Is there anyone else with a strong claim who can challenge you?”

“There are two people who have an interest.” David offered. “Michelle has a cousin, Andrew, and Silas has a bastard son, Seth.”

“Neither of them have more right to the throne than Jack or me.” Michelle piped in defensively. “I know what you say about Jack, Captain, but I won’t denounce his claim until he tells me in person that he’s not the king."

“What about you, David? You seem reluctant to even be called Captain, are you ready to rule?” Sam asked.

“If ruling with Michelle over Gilboa is what is required of me then yes, I’ll do it. I’m reluctant to be called captain because that rank was stripped from me. I’m leading this group to rescue my country from terrorists. Michelle’s title has not been revoked, even though she was exiled and nearly had our child stolen from her, she’s still the princess. She’s also the first-born child of the king and she’s my wife. So, as a rightful heir, if she becomes queen, I’d take the title she bestows upon me and would rule at her side.”

“David would be a fair ruler. He’s a strong leader, you’ll find out that he’s also stubborn, which is why he’s not willing to use the rank he deserves.” Michelle chided gently.

“We have some ideas about your situation.” Steve offered, “I have to get to Gehenna to see if my friend is still there, I had hoped you'd be able to assist me. After we’ve accomplished that I am volunteering to help you.”

“Captain, I can’t ask you to –”

“Captain,” Steve interrupted, “I’ve been fighting Hydra since 1943. You’re not asking me. I’m volunteering. I’ll follow you, but I hope you’ll take some of our experience and ideas into advisement. Also – I’ll be working with Jack over the phone, he’ll be able to give us any news that has reached the US as well as any technological information he can share. Do you feel you can trust us?”

"I'd be honored to have you join our fight. I'd say, with your experience with Hydra, I'd be more comfortable following you. I'll be happy to provide any information that Jack isn't privy to, and I'm certain that the small force we've built will willingly follow. You're in command, Captain."

Michelle’s features softened as David agreed and acquiesced to Jack’s skills. “Captain,” she said softly. “It’s been over a year, do you think I could talk to him?”

Steve pulled up Jack’s contact and pressed send. “Jack, Steve. I found someone who’d like to say hello.”

> “Hey Steve, who – tell me who it is.” In spite of the hesitation on the other end, Steve handed the phone to Michelle.
> 
> “Jack?” her voice was shaky, tears rolled from her eyes, “It’s me.”
> 
> “Michelle?” Jack’s voice shook too, “Michelle, you’re alright?”
> 
> The baby made soft waking sounds as she jostled him to hold the phone more firmly in one hand, “Yes Jack, I’m fine. Are you?”
> 
> “I’m ok. I’m good. What was that noise Michelle?” his words rushed over themselves with his anxiety to convey everything at once.
> 
> “You’re an uncle, Jack. She was going to take him and raise him – that’s why she sent me away. She was planning to hide him from David and from Dad.”
> 
> “She? Mom?”
> 
> “Yes, she said she was taking care of me.” Michelle was crying, “But in the end she was just planning to start over.”
> 
> “That’s what they were going to do to me too. I don’t know if you heard, you disappeared, and I didn’t know where to or if you knew.”
> 
> “I hadn’t heard but Captain Rogers told us what you told them. Are you really ok Jack? Are you really not planning on coming back?”
> 
> “I found someone – and I found myself. I’m not coming back. I’m happy here. I’d be happier if I wasn’t basically homeless and using my new friends. But they’re open and welcoming and say they don’t care that I have no money or income for the time being.”
> 
> “We’ve been scrambling too. When we get the accounts squared away I’ll make sure you can access yours. I’m glad you got out. I’m even happier that you found someone to help you, someone who makes you happy. He sounds wonderful.”
> 
> “He? You know…” Jack paused then when he started again he sounded relieved, “He is wonderful. I hope you can meet him soon.”
> 
> “I always knew, Jack.” Michelle said softly, “I hate that they tried to force you to be someone you weren’t. I’m sorry.”
> 
> “You’ll let me know if they – well either way right?” He asked, she hated the reason behind the difficulty he had getting the question out.
> 
> “Yes – of course. I don’t know what I want to find, Jack. I feel horrible either way.”
> 
> “I know. Don’t think about it. Just do what you have to do to survive for now. When we find out, then you can – we can – figure out how to process whatever it is we find.”
> 
> “Jack, you’re really safe and happy?”
> 
> “Yes, you want to join me? You could be safe too.”
> 
> “I married David. My home is with him.”
> 
> “Well, then you’d better tell Shepherd his job is to clean up your country and make it safe so you can come visit your brother. I think you deserve a vacation.”
> 
> “I’ll do that.” She wiped her eyes with a small smile on her face. “You take care of yourself.”
> 
> “I will. Stay safe Michelle.”
> 
> “I’m working on that.”
> 
> “Michelle? I love you.”
> 
> She wept openly; David wrapped his arms around her and the baby. “I love you too Jack.”

It took a few minutes before Michelle was able to step away from her husband and hand Steve his phone back. “Thank you, Captain Rogers. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear from him. He may have made a lot of terrible choices, but he’s my brother.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sure that you being able to tell him that you’re alright carries even more weight than me relaying the same message. You don’t have to apologize for Jack I’ve met him and I like him. He was very open with his history and seemed quite remorseful.”

“Do you think people can change?”

“Michelle," Steve replied, looking at her with all of his earnest and endearing glory, "if people can change for the worse, doesn’t it stand to reason they can change for the better? I believe they can – if they’re willing.”

“I like that thought. He’s happy?”

“He’s working on it. But aren’t we all?” Steve’s smile was warm, giving Michelle hope.

“I suppose you’re right. Do you think we have a chance against Hydra?”

“If we can’t manage it with this group, I promise I’ll call in backup.” Steve assured her. “But from what I’ve seen and what Sam’s told me, you have a pretty promising group here.”

* * *

TJ watched Jack as his shoulders slumped. Even though the call came in the middle of a pretty good make-out session, TJ had been the one to encourage Jack to answer when Steve’s ringtone played. Jack accepted the call and walked away to help Steve. This was the first call and if it was making Jack this stressed, TJ worried about the way things were going to progress. TJ saw Jack swipe at tears and smile a soft smile as he moved back toward TJ on the sofa and he could hear as Jack told his sister he loved her. TJ’s anxious frown softened slowly to a sentimental smile as Jack settled back on the sofa next to him.

TJ settled his hand over Jack’s and allowed him the quiet, and even though his curiosity was urging him to ask, TJ remained silent.

“That’s the first time I’ve told her that in a long, long time.” Jack finally sighed.

“You’re getting really good at saying those words. It’s beautiful, Jack.”

“It’s different too. It’s because of you.”

“No way. You’re a changed man. I didn’t change you. You did that yourself.”

“They don’t have any new information and she’s conflicted about what she wants to find.”

“So are you. I can’t blame either of you; they’re your parents. If they are alive, what are their futures going to look like? Surely they won’t reinstate the people who persecuted you all?”

“I don’t know.” Jack gave TJ’s hand a squeeze, “Like I told her, survive first, figure it all out later.”

“I got worried that helping Steve and Sam might be too much for you when I saw how emotional you were getting. I’m relieved it wasn’t that and I’m happy that you got to talk to her. Does it help?”

“Yes. I know I have you – I told her you were wonderful by the way – but I had nothing else, now I, at least, have her. She’s my family, she has a son TJ! I didn’t ask about him!” Jack buried his face in TJ’s shoulder. “What an idiot. I didn’t ask about my own nephew.”

“You can ask her later.” TJ ruffled Jack’s hair. “You told her I’m wonderful? Way to build false expectations.”

“Hilarious.” Jack’s laugh was half-hearted.

“Everything will be ok.” TJ’s voice was strong, certain, and Jack held onto that.

“You know that?” he asked, challenging.

“I’m choosing to believe.”

“I’ll just have to follow your lead.”

“Happy anniversary, by the way, it’s been an entire week.” TJ teased.

“It has… it’s officially Friday, officially a week that I’ve known you.”

“I have an idea! We should – not because of any stupid one-week anniversary trope – but because it’s the weekend and we’ve spent a **lot** of time with Janie the last two days… I should call the penthouse and have all the bottles moved to storage, have some great meals planned and we should just sequester ourselves there for the weekend. What do you say?”

“I say it sounds fantastic.”

“If I call right now they should be able to have things arranged in time for us to have a lazy brunch together.”

“Go for it, and then come join me in bed.” Jack stretched as he stood.

“Yeah,” TJ smiled brazenly, “we should get some sleep before our weekend of debauchery.”

“Oh really?”

“Which part don’t you agree with? The sleep? Or the debauchery?”

“Trust me, Thomas James Hammond; I have no issue with debauchery.”

TJ laughed as Jack strutted in the direction of their room. He called the concierge to verify that the penthouse was available for the weekend and asked for the bar to be restocked with non-alcoholic beverages only and to have the kitchen staff on hand. He ordered brunch and a car.

> “Mr. Hammond, should we have the menu created from your favorites?”
> 
> “That would be terrific; will you please ask the kitchen to be a bit flexible? I want to ensure my guest also has whatever he desires.”
> 
> “Whatever you wish.”

TJ did miss this part of being under virtual house arrest but he found that he didn’t have to have it all the time – he could take advantage of the penthouse on occasion without feeling oppressed or obligated, and he could let Jack have some of the missing comforts of home as well.

> “Thank you.” TJ said earnestly. “We’ll see you in the morning.”

TJ found Jack lazily sprawled on the bed, his shirt off, his pants merely undone, he was scanning the television idly, the remote held lazily in one hand while he rubbed his neck with the other.

“On your belly.” TJ directed softly as he kicked his jeans away. He then pushed his boxer-briefs down over his hips and thighs, letting them drop and stepping away from them.

Jack obliged, lying with his head toward the foot of the bed. TJ straddled his hips and started running the heels of his hands along both sides of Jack’s spine from his hips up toward his shoulders and back. He then pressed his thumbs along Jack’s shoulder blades and pressed while sliding them upward along Jack’s spine up into his neck. He lightened the pressure as they reached the base of Jack’s skull, rubbing up and out, then circling back to repeat the action. Jack’s moans and sighs made TJ smile; he could feel the tension dissipate.

“If it hurts, you’ll let me know?” as TJ’s thumbs pressed harder along the tense muscles of Jack’s neck.

“Mm-hmm.” Jack murmured with pleasure.

TJ rubbed Jack’s neck in this manner for a bit longer, before softening his touch entirely and massaging Jack’s scalp. “You never seem to manage to get this cut. Is it subconscious? I like it, don’t get me wrong, but you keep talking about it and then something comes up.”

“I guess it hasn’t been important enough yet.” Jack’s muffled voice filtered up to TJ.

“I think it’s sexy.” TJ said, kissing Jack’s temple.

“It’s unruly, like my soul.” Jack smirked.

“At least, today you have one. I’d say that’s an improvement.” TJ was usually bothered when Jack attacked himself on a spiritual level, but this joke he would allow, TJ supposed that both of their souls were unruly, and that was ok.

TJ continued to caress Jack’s skin, from running his fingers through his hair down along his temples as Jack looked up at the television momentarily, and down his neck, where he applied enough pressure to continue trying to relieve the tense muscles there.

Jack enjoyed the variety of intensity of TJ’s touch from soft fluttery touches to deep tissue massage to soft kisses, Jack marveled at TJ’s ability to tune-in to what he needed. He felt blissful. When TJ leaned up to kiss him, he took a few last kisses, before giving a command of his own. “Switch. Your turn.”

TJ resisted, running his hands down the length of Jack’s back.

“TJ. Please.”

“Ok, if you insist.” TJ sounded put out, but Jack knew the pout was a put on.

TJ flopped down onto the bed dramatically and Jack swatted his ass before straddling TJ’s hips to repeat the ministrations he’d received.

Jack’s denim-covered thighs grazed the tender skin on TJ’s ass and his kisses seared TJ’s back but he didn’t say anything. He wanted to be touched as much as he wanted the sex, he would wait it out and enjoy the touches.

Jack sat back and drew on TJ’s back watching as the tickling strokes of his fingers caused TJ to flinch and move involuntarily. The sounds coming from TJ were stirring him but he didn’t want to always take from TJ without giving, so he resisted.

He knew TJ would argue, but TJ always gave Jack time and leisure and never allowed it for himself. He always wanted whatever he wanted right now instead of enjoying the process. Jack was going to see if TJ could enjoy the process.

Jack’s fingers worked at muscles, played with skin and hair in much the same way TJ had with him. A particularly tense shoulder muscle elicited a deep moan when Jack worked away at it and there was no denying the reaction Jack had as his erection pressed against his open fly. TJ felt the pressure as Jack leaned forward to lay kisses along the outline of his jaw.

“Jack?” he groaned.

Jack leaned back, reaching for the side table and TJ looked lazily back at him, appreciating the arch of Jack’s body as he stretched toward the drawer.

Jack sat up with the lube and a condom in one hand and noticed TJ’s flushed face, his plump lower lip caught between his teeth. Jack licked the edges of his teeth before smiling and surging forward to tug TJ’s lip between his own teeth following up with a kiss.

Jack moved from astride TJ and tossed a pillow toward the foot of the bed when TJ balked. Eagerly, TJ grasped the pillow and hugged it under his shoulders as he tucked his knees up under him, raising his ass to Jack. “Wanton.” Jack teased, even as he ran his hand along TJ’s inner thigh.

“Talk is cheap.”

“And so am I.” Jack replied, moving between TJ’s legs and kissing the small of his back loudly before trailing kisses along the divot directly below.

TJ’s laughs eroded into moans interspersed with whimpers each time Jack's kisses paused to relocate. Jack ran his hands along TJ’s hips slowly trailing his fingers across his skin, smiling and winking when TJ turned to glare at him for taking his leisure.

“You’re being such an ass.” TJ complained burying his face in the pillow.

“Oh? Far be it for me to treat you well.” Jack withdrew all contact from TJ except for where he knelt between his calves. He took the opportunity to free himself from his open jeans, sliding the waistbands of both them and his underwear low on his hips, to quietly open and roll the condom over his erection and apply the lube to the fingers of both hands, all the while he was teasing TJ verbally, “I’ll remember that; TJ doesn’t like to be caressed and worshipped, just fuck him and get it over with.” Jack punctuated his comment by abruptly inserting one slicked finger into TJ, grinning as TJ gasped and turned to glare at him again. Jack pulled away with a challenging stare.

TJ’s groan forced Jack to repress his own audible reaction and struggle to maintain his expression.

“Jaaaack.” TJ whined, feeling exposed and abandoned. He kicked his foot against Jack’s leg in protest. “I’m soooorry.” He continued his whining.

Jack loudly smacked the flesh of TJ’s left cheek firmly before sliding the tips of two fingers just past the rim then let them slip back out with a chuckle. With his free hand he lazily stroked his own cock, slicking it up. TJ figured that since he’d already embarrassed himself by whining, he might as well go for it. The next time Jack’s fingers circled his tender opening, TJ pressed back against them, forcing them deeper than Jack intended.

Jack’s throat constricted on his laugh as TJ moaned into the pillow. Jack leaned forward, his fingers exploring deeper as Jack placed kisses on TJ’s shoulder blades and licked the outlines there. Urgently working TJ open to accept him, Jack rocked his thighs against TJ’s as TJ pressed back on his hand with mewling sounds.

TJ wanted more, wanted to forgo the crucial step, wanted to touch Jack, he wanted to touch himself. He waited, impatiently pressing back onto Jack’s fingers biting back the sounds that would rush Jack – he wanted him to hurry but he didn’t. He wanted what Jack was making him take – time, pleasure. He bit down on his lip to hold the shouts in as Jack’s fingers delicately and then not so delicately grazed his prostate, he tasted blood before he finally begged.

“Jack – please Jack – I’m ready. I want you inside of me, please give me your cock Jack.” TJ wasn’t above it, he embraced the begging.

Jack wasn’t having any part of TJ’s begging, though. He slipped gently away before licking a stripe down from where his kisses lingered along TJ’s neck, down his spine and back along the beautiful divot at the crest of TJ’s ass. He removed his hands from himself and from TJ, placed them firmly on each cheek, and spread the meat of TJ’s cheeks to allow access. Jack trailed his tongue along the valley that opened to him, before circling TJ’s rim. The sounds of moans and begging didn’t stop, increased, really. Each whine was punctuated by a swirl of Jack’s tongue and when TJ called Jack a “Cruel Fuck” Jack laughingly slipped his tongue as deep as it would reach. TJ thrust back onto Jack’s tongue, engulfing his face and cried out when Jack’s laughter made his cock twitch and leak.

“Damn it Jack!” he moaned again, “You goddamned motherfucker.” He shouted, thrusting his ass shamelessly onto Jack’s tongue.

Jack knew if he wasn’t careful they’d both go over before either of them were satisfied, he trailed his hands up TJ’s thighs with a groan that matched TJ’s as he pulled away. He positioned himself over TJ and guided the tip across TJ’s tender pulsating hole.

“No need to curse me kitten.” He smirked as he slowly slid inside, stilling TJ’s urgent hips. He leaned over TJ to kiss his throat as his cock was buried to the hilt and TJ groaned with pleasure. Jack pulled away, nearly completely withdrawing before sinking fully again with less leisure. “You want more of this TJ?”

TJ tried to thrust backward, to ride Jack but his hips were stilled, trapped by Jack’s thighs and his hands holding him immobile. “Yes.” TJ thumbed the tip of his own dick, spreading pre-cum from the tip along the head. Jack reached around wrapping newly slicked fingers around the base of TJ’s cock and stroked lazily until his hand met TJ’s, he glided his hand back along the length to rest at the base again, allowing TJ to jack himself while his own grunts mixed with TJ’s whimpers.

TJ tried to pace himself to time his climax with Jack’s he knew it was a failed mission as he called out “I’m going to… Fuck! Jack, I’m – I’m –”

“Me too, kitten.” Jack interrupted with a moan, “I’m gonna – go ahead baby – O God TJ I’m coming”

TJ finished after Jack stilled, and he laughed. Jack frowned, leaning to the side, looking to see what was so funny, “I amuse you?”

TJ giggled, pressing back against Jack, knowing he was being selfish by not letting him slip out, not yet, “I thought I was going over first, I thought mister self-control back there was going to outlast me.”

Jack pulled away and sat back on his heels. TJ felt the loss when he withdrew. Jack knew when the laughing stopped it was cuddle time. TJ hadn’t openly confided anything yet, but Jack had discovered that there were times TJ wasn’t so accepting of the end of intimacy, and he needed cuddling. He removed the condom and disposed of it along with the wrapper. He retrieved the washcloth he’d brought into the room from the corner of the nightstand. “You’re stronger than I am.” He smiled as TJ watched him.

Jack crawled across the bed, pulled TJ to his arms spooning with him while he caressed his skin with the cloth. “You were amazing, Kitten.” He crooned in TJ’s ear.

“I should be telling you that.” TJ whispered hoarsely.

Jack reached over the edge of the bed, pulling away from TJ as he strained for the water bottle that had been knocked over onto the floor.

TJ rolled back against Jack, not wanting any distance between them, and pouted at the eventual separation.

“Up.” Jack urged, “Hydrate.” He pushed the water at TJ. TJ took a long pull from the bottle before handing it back to Jack.

“You too.” He ordered. “and take those stupid pants off.” He barely waited until Jack did as commanded then settled back in his spot before crawling back into his arms. “You always know what I want and what I need. How do you do that when I don’t even know what to tell the kitchen staff to add to the menu for you?” TJ sulked.

“I just know. I’ll eat whatever. I even got over the whole 'bad memories ruining eggs for me' issue when we had brunch with your dad.” Jack smiled into TJ’s neck. “You just try too hard to please everyone. I’ll eat what’s prepared. I want them to make all of your favorites. We can explore my favorites some other time. I can show you how to fix some of them and we can learn to fix others together.”

“Why do you always make it out that I’m more important than you?” TJ turned slightly to try to see Jack’s face.

“Because nobody treats you like you’re more important than anything they have going on.” Jack kissed TJ’s temple

“That’s ridiculous.”

“No, it isn’t. I can tell by the things you say, the things Janie has said and the way everyone talks to you – or at you – if they have time to do more than the cursory check-in call.”

“Even if that were true, what about your needs and desires?”

“My needs and desires, right now, revolve around you. I assure you I’ve spent a lifetime getting my worldly needs and desires met. I’ve cared only about myself. It’s a new treat for me to care about you, to care for you and see that you get the food you want and to know how you want to be treated and fucked. So my immediate needs and desires are you.”

“You are so wrong.” TJ argued. “There has to be more.”

“Ok, let me change the words around a little. I _need_ to be less self-absorbed than _Prince_ Jack was. I need to be _more open_ with how I feel about the people I love. My current and immediate desires are to be the person you deserve in your life. My desire is seeing you happy and knowing that you comprehend just how important you are.”

“What about long term?”

“Your long-term desires are to know what to have the chefs add to a menu for me? I didn’t know we were talking long term. You’re trying to get me on a technicality.” Jack kissed TJ’s neck before TJ turned fully to look at him. Then Jack kissed him right on the pouty mouth.

“You got me.” TJ reluctantly smirked.

“I’m glad I’ve got you. My deepest desire.” Jack was only half-teasing, as he kissed TJ again.

“Happy cheesy anniversary.” TJ teased back as he snuggled up to Jack.

“May we celebrate more of them than we are able to count.”

“And I thought I was cheesy.” TJ chuckled.

“It’s late, give me a break.” Jack laughed through a yawn. “What time do we leave in the morning?”

“Car comes at 10:30. You can sleep in.”

“We.” Jack said softly into TJ’s hair.

“Good night Jack.” TJ flipped through the channels, ruffling Jack’s hair occasionally as he thought about what he’d said. He didn’t need to be more important than anyone else, just maybe considered important enough. Being important to Jack and to Janie was a start. Eventually, maybe, he’d be less “what mess is TJ in now?” and more “wonder what interesting things my son/brother/grandson is doing lately?”

TJ heard the door, not because it was loud, but because he’d barely turned the television off in hopes that he could get to sleep. He’d been lying in the dark trying to match Jack’s breathing just to try to relax enough to hopefully chase the curious thoughts of self-importance and of what on earth Jack really enjoyed away for just a short time.

He slipped out from Jack’s arms, leaving a kiss on his forehead. He found a clean pair of pajama pants and stepped into them, tying the waistband as he wandered out.

“Shit TJ,” Janie whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I never got to sleep.” TJ smiled. “Did you have a nice date?”

“Shut up. We just talked.” She smiled back at him, “Ok and kissed. But that was all.”

“I don’t care. I didn’t do _just_ those things the first day I met Jack. So why would I judge.”

“Are you ok? What has you wide awake?” She pulled him to the sofa.

“Thinking things. I know it shouldn’t bother me, it’s only been a week, but I still don’t know what Jack likes to eat. He’s always saying he’ll eat what we fix or what we order. What I fix or what I order. He says he’s more interested in showing me I’m important because nobody else does.”

“I love that about him. He is right, not many people do – you can’t be surprised that we know this? As many times as you’ve told us both, me especially.” Janie hooked her arm in the crook of TJ’s, “TJ, if Jack didn’t _like_ the food, he’d say so. He’s being selfless, the opposite of what he’s told us he’d lived his life as. Give him that. He’ll open up as he feels comfortable.”

“I’ll try. Thanks, Janie.”

“Anytime sweetheart.”

“Janie – before you go to bed, Jack and I are going to spend the weekend in the family penthouse. Give us some privacy where you don’t feel like you have to vacate the apartment. Hey, maybe you can invite your date over?”

“Didn’t you say that place was more packed with booze than a nightclub?”

“Yeah, what I didn’t say, _just now,_ was that when I called the concierge to make sure the place was available and ready, I asked them to restock the bar with completely alcohol-free beverages. I might come home on a sugar high, but I won’t have any alcohol or drugs.”

“I’m sorry, TJ. I should have known you’d be on top of it. It’s a wonderful idea.”

“If you didn’t ask the tough questions, I’d wonder what kind of sponsor you were. Who knows, maybe I wouldn’t have thought of in my excitement to do something nice for Jack.”

“TJ, just a little advice. I know you love him” Janie put her finger on TJ’s lips before he could protest, “and that you want to do things for him. Just remember you already are. You’re making sure he is safe, and that he has the things he needs and a roof over his head. You’ve bought him clothes and you’ve taken him out.

“The reason I’m listing all of this isn’t because I’m keeping track but because _he_ is probably mentally tallying everything up himself and he could start to feel overwhelmed while trying to cope with not having his own income. He’s mentioned repeatedly how he wants to do things for you, and for me to pay us back for what we’ve done. I’m just suggesting you might want to slow down on the extravagance. Be mindful of his feelings.”

“You make a strong and fair point. I’ll be careful. Janie, you know he doesn’t have to –”

“You don’t either. There goes your argument.” Janie kissed TJ’s nose, “I’m tired. I’m going to hit the hay. You should try again; see if you can catch some sleep.”

“Oh, Janes? We leave at 10:30 and will be home Sunday night.”

“Ok. If you need me, you know the routine. If I don’t see you in the morning, have a blast and tell Jack I hope he has a great time too.”

“Will do Janie. Thank you – you do know I listen to what you say, right? And as much as I hate to admit it, I appreciate it.”

“I know sweetie. I hope you don’t ever think I’m giving you orders, it’s all just heartfelt advice that you can do with what you will.”

“You’re one of the few people I trust not to order me around Janes. I’m gonna order you now, though, go. Get some sleep you _still_ have to work in the morning… shameful girl staying out so late on a work night.”

TJ wandered back to bed, smiling softly at the even breath sounds coming from Jack as he neared the bed. He slipped back into his spot and found himself wrapped up by Jack’s throwing an arm over him and linking his leg over TJ’s legs. “Your spot got cold.” Jack murmured into TJ’s neck. “you ok kitten?”

“You know I _should_ hate that nickname but I don’t.” TJ smiled. “I was just having trouble sleeping. I heard Janie come in so I went to check on her.”

“Liar. You can tell me you needed to talk to her.” Jack’s sleepy voice was slightly more alert. “I hope you’re ok baby.”

“I’m more than Ok. I just have a hard time with what we were talking about earlier.” Still unable to settle, TJ sat up against the headboard, “Should it bother me to be considered important?”

“It should not even be a question baby.” Jack looked up at TJ, in the dim light from the television across the room, Jack couldn’t tell for sure if the glassy look in TJ’s eyes was from lack of sleep or unshed tears. He stroked TJ’s cheek tenderly, “You should _know_ you’re important. I hate that this is a question of ethics for you.”

“Do you know what ‘important’ means Jack? ‘Important’ means “this is a very _important_ meeting” “it’s _important,_ TJ, that we get through this without drama” “Your father is a very _important_ part of the --- fill in the blanks” “It’s _important_ that you get this under control TJ.” “This candidacy is _important_ to mom, don’t fuck it up TJ” I could go on.”

“No. Don’t” Jack sat up beside TJ and looked at him. “Let’s find a better word. “Vital” you are vital, TJ. A vital part of society, and a vital part of my life. It is vital that you are happy and feel loved. Or we can go with Vivacious. Dynamic. Vibrant… I could go on.”

“I wouldn’t stop you.” TJ’s soft voice was somewhere between a sob and a laugh, he rested his head on Jack’s shoulder. “If anyone ever dares to say anything bad about you, Jack, they’re going to have to fight me. You are the best.”

Then just like that, in a way, Jack felt he might understand the turmoil going through TJ's heart. He wasn’t the best, never had been. If he wanted to be a good example for TJ, he wasn’t going to shun the sentiment. He was going to strive to attain it. “I’m going to work to be, TJ. I’m not, yet.”

“You’re the best to me, sweetheart. We gotta start somewhere. If I’m vital, you’re the goddamned best.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s Hydra.” He said as they ran about a mile to an armored vehicle.
> 
> “Yeah, it is.” Steve answered the non-question with a frown. “Are you ok?” Steve asked as they reached the vehicle.
> 
> “Depends on your definition of ok.” He replied, hoisting up into the vehicle with his one good arm.
> 
> “Broken or shut down?” Steve asked, nodding to the left arm.
> 
> “Shut down, two plus months. It’s been an interesting time.” He laughed disdainfully.
> 
> “Can you fix it?”

> “The guns aren’t real” he repeated softly to himself. “They’re fucking with you simply by keeping you in solitary. Come on Buck, don’t let them win.” He pulled out the notebook and wrote down his thoughts and feelings with abandon. He wasn’t going to let worry rob him of his mind. He’d just gotten so much back and it was only a matter of time. He knew he could count on Steve to get his message and find him.
> 
> “You sure are taking your time, punk.” He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He battled the snarls again, picking through them to keep his hair from getting ratty, for something to do. It would be great to have a shower and a shave. “Hurry up Steve.”

* * *

More noises encroached upon him and he rolled over realizing he’d finally fallen asleep. He tried to discern the origin of the sounds, having finally accepted the thought that the sounds of guns had been in his head, he had to wonder were these new noises hallucinations as well? He listened carefully as he pulled his watch out from under the mattress and looked, relieved for the thousandth time that the watch existed. He’d been very sparing with his use of it because he knew if the battery died he’d be back to that timeless place that made him uneasy. It was 7 AM, and _those_ noises were real.

He listened intently to the outside sounds as he silently slid his fingers between the mattress and bed board again, swiftly slipping his notebook out, reaching it behind him and pushing it into his waistband. The watch went into the pocket of his loose fitting pants. He heard boot steps that were stomping around at the entry gates. The stone and concrete building echoed the clang and clatter of both doors as they shrieked on their hinges. He breathed to regulate his hammering heart. As though he were about to take a sniper shot, he schooled his breaths and his heart followed suit. The boots stopped in front of his door. Four heavy treads. He was at a disadvantage without his arm, without boots to protect his bare feet, but he was prepared to fight.

He silently slipped off of the bed into a crouch at the foot of it, adopting a cowed and meek appearance, while remaining coiled and ready to strike; ready to launch his every muscle movement at the oncoming threat if necessary. The thought that Steve could be in the mix tickled the back of his mind, but he couldn’t afford to let them drag him to hell without a fight. He pushed the thought away – Steve would have to fucking show himself before he would stop fighting for his life.

He felt the grit of the dirt under his calloused feet; he curled his toes as he bounced lightly on the balls of his feet. The lock turned with a ‘thunk’, and the door swung open, the hinges singing plaintively. He remained crouched, forcing himself to appear submissive. The light blinded him momentarily as two men stepped inside, two more remained outside the door; as his vision adjusted he could see them through the curtain of his hair, partially silhouetted by the light streaming in through the hallway. The men closest to him loomed over him, grabbing him by the arms, and hauling him up. He bit back a hiss at the torsion the action caused along his shoulder blade and spine when they dragged him by his limp left arm. He hadn’t counted on that move. He breathed through it allowing himself the recovery time it took for them to take him out of the cell.

He forced himself to remain submissive as they dragged him down the hall. He preferred to get outside of the double gates before engaging, and figured he could still subdue the four plus anyone who might be at the gates. His worry was for once he got outside, and how to avoid being spotted by the tower guard. If there was one. Having not seen the outside of the prison, he had no way of knowing any more than his ears and nose had told him on his three previous ventures out of the cells. It was pragmatic to assume there would be.

He took it all in now, the light finally not so blinding, the men wore all black including masks. He knew they could be any mercenaries, he also knew they weren’t just mercenaries, they were Hydra.

He needed weapons, he kept part of his focus on the guns; he would need at least one of them, preferred more. Hell, he would have preferred to have both arms. Damn but that wasn’t an option. It also wasn’t a requirement, his _body_ was his weapon.

At the end of the hall, they hauled him upright to stand on his own two feet. On the upward movement, he slid a gun skillfully out of the holster of the nearest man. He used the force from their jerking him to his feet, along with the power of his own coiled muscles, and launched into the man opposite him. With a roundhouse kick, one man went down. Bucky then surged upside down onto his right hand to wrap his thighs around the neck of the man behind him. He cartwheeled, dragging the man over with the acrobatic movement. There were choking sounds from the man, the sound mixed with the groan from the first man who was writhing on the floor, and shouts of alarm coming from the other two just before Bucky launched the man into the screaming men with the momentum of the flip.

They landed in a heap and he landed in a crouched position, holding the weapon on the men. In what looked like one fluid move, he tucked the gun into his waistband and grabbed a rifle from the nearest unconscious assailant. He slung that weapon over his shoulder and noticed his notebook at his feet. He exchanged places with the gun, tucking the notebook safely back into the waistband before ducking through the opened gate. He slammed the iron barrier between him and the men, some of whom were starting to collect themselves. Brandishing the gun at the guard he stood face-to-face with he growled, “Open the gate.”

“Shoot me.” The man gulped, holding his gun out in a weak attempt to prompt him to do exactly that.

James stepped forward with his shoulders squared, tucked his weapon into his pocket, feeling it settle along his thigh, hearing it clink against the watch. He took the man’s gun, he might as well be well armed, and held it on the guard. “Open the gate.”

“The last guard who let a prisoner escape was tortured, dammit shoot me.”

“No.” he growled, and gave him a disgusted look, grabbing the key to the gate. “You’ll have to do that yourself” He said, as he let himself out and locked the gate from the outside.

Outside he didn’t have time to savor the sunshine or the fresh air; he needed to assess the situation. The courtyard was exposed and vast – which was not a surprise at all. He saw three SUV’s lined up in the distance – “SHIT” he cursed in a whisper. He skirted the wall of the building around to the west where the shadow was still long from the morning sun that still hung low on the other side of the building. Small favors… He needed to get to the outer wall before anyone realized 5 people were not coming out of that building. He could run; he just wished he could see the perimeter clearly. He didn’t want to get shot today too. That would be just too much shit for one day.

He couldn’t wait anymore; he bolted away from the building, one pistol in hand the other banging against his thigh in the most unfortunate pair of pants, and the rifle familiar on his back. He ran toward the stoned-in archway in the wall, not knowing how the hell he’d scale it with his current disadvantages. He felt and heard, before he saw, a large presence; a gust of air displaced by a wide spread of wings. A sling dropped above his head which he promptly hooked his arm through, and around his chest. He grasped tightly and gave a sharp tug. He’d have to trust this man whom he’d once kicked off a helicarrier, because he was the least of all possible threats right now.

Sam hoisted Barnes up and over the wall, desperately tempted to give him a hard landing. Knowing that was petty and that Steve would balk, he resisted, bringing them both to the ground in a smooth move.

“Bucky?”

James turned, and there he stood, “God dammit Steve!” he surged at him, grasping him in a one-armed hug, “You have the worst god damned timing.”

“Or the best?” Steve felt the gun still grasped in Bucky’s hand as it bumped along his shoulder blade in the process of being hugged.

Bucky stepped back, tore off the sling and assessed the man, that half-smile was a thing he knew. That was a memory he’d held onto. “We could debate that for a decade or two.” He handed the spare pistol to Steve for lack of anywhere else to keep it.

“Guys?” Sam said, having folded in his wings “We still have to get out of here, could you, maybe, reunite later?

“Where to?” he asked his rescuers.

“A cabin in the woods.” Sam called from ahead of them.

“It’s Hydra.” James said as they ran about a mile to an armored vehicle.

“Yeah, it is.” Steve answered the non-question with a frown. “Are you ok?” Steve asked as they reached the vehicle.

“Depends on your definition of ok.” He replied, hoisting up into the vehicle with his one good arm.

“Broken or shut down?” Steve asked, nodding to the left arm.

“Shut down, two plus months. It’s been an interesting time.” He laughed disdainfully.

“Can you fix it?”

“Not this. Not one-handed, but I _can_ tell you what to do if you have tools – which with that –” he gestured Sam’s wing pack “I suppose you have something we could work with.”

“Do you think it can be done while we drive? It’s not the best terrain but I’m pretty capable.”

“Yeah, It’s worth a shot, not like we have time to run and stop to fix it at the same time.”

“Oh we ain’t running,” Sam smirked, jerking his head in Steve’s direction with a long-suffering sigh.

That he remembered too. “That’s right, he don’t run.”

Steve grabbed two bags from the rear section of the vehicle and tossed one at Bucky’s feet. “Got ya some presents.” He smirked climbing in next to him in the back seat. “So, let’s fix this arm.”

Sam drove, going deeper into the forest while Steve followed Bucky’s instructions. “So,” Steve said conversationally, “Do I call you James or Bucky or something else?”

“Shaddap punk.” He smirked, feeling better than he could remember since – ever, “Call me what you want.”

He felt the fingers first, weird, and distant without the sensation of the rest of the arm. “Sorry it took so long Buck.” Steve said softly, bent over the control panel, huffing a stray hank of hair out of his face.

Bucky lifted his right hand and brushed the hair aside, “yeah, you should be, you know? Seeing as how I left explicit directions and a key right at your doorstep and all, making it so easy.”

“Yeah we might need to have a talk about cryptic messages.” Steve smiled. “Poor kid you sent on your errand wasn’t too sure how to feel about the whole thing.”

“Poor kid.” Bucky huffed, “Do you know the things I’ve heard about that spoiled puppy?”

“Lies? He might have been given privileges but he’s not spoiled. He told me about the shitty things he did, but I heard about his motivation for them too.”

“Yeah, it’s not like I got room to talk anyway, huh?” he half smiled.

“We’re all guilty of things.” Steve frowned.

“None so much as me.”

“Oh hell no. You wanna say you’re worse than anyone? No way pal. Someone far worse did the things they did to you.”

“Hey,” partially to change the subject for at least five minutes, and partially because he really wanted it, he asked “in the course of our ‘not running’ do you think there’s a shower in my future? I hate to complain but I could really do with a date with soap and water.”

“Yeah, place we’re heading to now, it’s rigged for comfort. We can lay low for a bit and strategize.” Sam said over the roar of the vehicle, “First plan was this – second plan was taking out Hydra in Gilboa. We’ve got an ally waiting for us. Are you in? Or would you rather we give you a vehicle and a way out?”

He looked at Sam’s reflection in the mirror and saw nothing there besides the anticipation for an answer, any answer. He looked at Steve, “You’d do that?” he was still working on the arm, focused, but he knew he was keen to hear a _yes, he’d stay_.

Steve’s features didn’t falter, “yeah Buck.”

He moved the fingers on his left hand, giving Steve thumbs up with it. He watched the smile bloom and felt his own mouth turn up slightly, “Hell no, I’m in.”

Steve sat back while Bucky tested the function of his arm, smiling because no matter what was in there, there was enough Bucky to tease and touch him like a friend would. He could deal with whoever his friend was now. He was just relieved to have a chance to learn.

“Functional?” Steve asked.

“Better than that. Perfect. Close’er up.”

It wasn’t long after the final panel was back in place that they pulled up to a cabin. Bucky used his newly reanimated arm to grab the duffel bag that Steve had called “presents” and another bag from the back of the vehicle. He followed them inside where they were met by a blonde, young man. “I see you were successful.” He greeted Steve and Sam openly, eyeing Bucky thoughtfully. “You must be Sergeant Barnes.” The man greeted him warmly. “I’m David Shepherd, I’d use a rank, but I’m honestly not sure if I’m still a captain or not. Not to mention **the** captain here. Pleased to meet you.”

“Thank you. Please, I haven’t been a sergeant in 7 decades, Bucky or James is fine.” He bit back any comments about why anyone would be pleased to meet the Winter Soldier.

“Buck, the shower’s right through here.” Steve said once the pleasantries were completed. Bucky gathered up his bag and followed Steve, “you need anything at all, just say so. You hungry? We don’t have anything fancy. MREs.” He scrunched his nose up.

Bucky did too, “Bound to be better than prison fare.” He chuckled. “Steve – we need to talk.”

“I know Buck. We will. Go get cleaned up and comfortable for once.” He said softly, “Then we can hash it all out.”

“Hey, how’re your barber skills?”

“Not too shabby if you’re just talking haircut. You’re on your own with that animal on your face. But there are scissors and trimmers all in the bag.”

“Boy scout.” Bucky teased. How ‘bout a haircut when I’m done?”

“Sure thing.”

An hour later, a cleaner, less hairy Bucky presented himself with his hair combed back, clean-shaven, in clothes that fit much better than the unfortunate prison clothes, socks on his now clean feet and boots laced up and tied with two good hands. “Thank you.” He said to the room in general when he sat down at the table in the middle of the space. The trio of men looked up, Steve’s features softening, Sam shaking his head almost imperceptibly, almost, and Shepherd, he looked like he’d seen a ghost, or very near.

“Oh,” Bucky said aloud, realization dawning, “You knew the prince?”

“Yes, it was – a complicated relationship.”

“I can imagine. He sounds like a complicated person.” Bucky looked at Steve, receiving a pleased look for his choice of words.

“Food?” Steve asked, rising.

“I’d love some – but I hear all you have are MREs. I’ll settle for one of those instead. I can get it,” He rose to head to the kitchenette.

Steve followed him in, “so, weather’s pretty decent, talk outside?”

“Yeah, you got anyone on lookout?”

“Yes, Shepherd has a couple of soldiers keeping an eye out but it’ll be private. Eat first.” There was a long, pleasant silence broken up by the sounds from the other two and the noises being made to prepare the meal.

Steve sighed, “Jesus Buck, what a fucking mess.”

“Yeah, I’ve been hearing the talk from the other room. They have the kingdom huh?”

“Yes.” Steve leaned against the sink facing Bucky while he ate.

“You going to eat? Or is this your idea of a joke?”

“I ate mine while you were getting all gussied up. Nervous energy, sorry, I didn’t wait.” He showed him the trash bin with the disposed packaging. “Did they do anything else Buck, besides the arm?”

“No, well, nothing directly _to_ me. Just two months of solitary confinement in a darkened cell. Things got hairy a couple of times. I’ll tell you more outside.”

Steve watched as Bucky ate, listening to the chatter on the other side of the cabin.

“Oh stop staring at me.” Bucky griped. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“You keep telling me shit like that and then you go disappearing, or forgetting your promises entirely.” Steve taunted.

“Not by design. You really think I ever planned to actually leave you with nobody to watch your back?” He tossed the packaging on top of Steve’s in the bin and washed out the dish before leading Steve out the front door.

Steve grabbed the grooming kit from the top of Bucky’s bag and a chair and followed him out of the cabin. In the dappled sunlight, Steve trimmed Bucky’s hair while they talked.

“So, you need to realize that I’m not the guy you used to know.” He said abruptly as he sat in the chair.

“That’s funny because conversations today have told me otherwise. Your posture’s better.” He said saucily as he tapped Bucky on the shoulder with the scissors.

“Some parts of my life are completely blank. I’ve done things.”

“Yeah, that happens when you’re not in control, I’m not going to judge you based on anything they had you do, and I don’t expect you to be the guy I used to know, not entirely. I’m not the same either Buck. That’s what you need to understand. I know it’s not the same but in _some ways_ it’s similar.”

“I have some very dark moments.”

“You’ll have to tell me what you need from me for when that happens.”

“You can’t be this accommodating.”

“Why not? If the roles were reversed what would you say to me if I said that?” Steve moved around to face his friend, “You look like him. You sound like him. You are him. Maybe not “the guy” but you’re a very modern James Barnes with life experiences that no one could comprehend.”

“Master of understatement.”

“Well, some things _never_ change.” Steve smirked, “So how short? You wanna go back to last spring? Or 70 years ago?”

“Somewhere in between, I’d like the outside to be kind of like what’s going on the inside.”

“Can do.”

“I don’t believe him.” Bucky said after a few minutes of silence.

“Who, Shepherd?”

“Yeah, he’s hiding something. He carries himself like someone who is still very much aware of rank.”

“That’s complicated. I already know about it. He found out recently – this is something that can’t get out Buck.”

“What? You don’t trust your friend-turned-enemy-turned-comrade?”

“Oh I do, it’s only fair to warn you ahead of time so that you don’t get on my back for not tellin ya.”

“Ah, Ok then.”

“So… complicated, Hydra has the kingdom. King Silas is rumored to be dead (again), and David only recently found out that the king’s daughter, his lover-now wife, had his child while they were separated. So in a way, David has a claim to the throne.”

“And so does the puppy.”

“Buck. I told you, I met the kid. He’s ok.”

“If you say so. That’s why it’s bothering you isn’t it. You like the kid and he’s got more misery in his future.”

“Not exactly. I mean you’re on the right track but it’s a little more complicated. Jack met someone on the run, fell hard and fast – very fast. The kid he fell for is a sensitive musician with a troubled history with men of power and with drugs.”

“You think power will win out and he’ll break the sensitive kid.”

“It crossed my mind. I mean TJ wouldn’t survive; he’s so gone over Jack. But Jack has to know – if his father’s dead, he has to know right?”

“Not your problem, Steve. Let Shepherd figure it out. I need to know if my head’s on Shepherd’s chopping block because he doesn’t believe I’m not Jack.”

“I think he believes. I think the arm’s a dead giveaway, if the hard-ass visage wasn’t. Steve knelt in front of Bucky to serve two purposes, to look his friend in the eye and to check the hair. “Well that kills the hard-ass visage.” He smirked.          

“Always a smartass.”

“Buck?” Steve sat back on the dirt, leaning back on his hands, in front of his friend. “How much _do_ you remember?”

“Basic things, your stupid grin for one. Your penchant for running straight into danger. I was surprised you weren’t wearing the wings instead of waiting on the other side of the wall.”

“You know? I’d never thought of that option. Thanks Buck.”

“Your smart mouth.”

“Your lips to god’s ear.” Steve smirked.

“Blasphemy, don’t go praying for a smart-ass attitude. You got enough of that.” He smiled softly, “I remember ideas of things. Feelings and emotions are buried and sometimes just have to be triggered. That gets tricky, triggering bad shit. I need you to know that I wasn’t kidding. I’m both people and neither of them.”

“I know. I wish I could say “understand” but that’s too bold. My understanding is a ‘light beer version’; I was and am Steve Rogers. I’m not that little guy but he’s in there. I’m not the guy in the spangly outfit but he’s in there too.

“Yeah, but neither of your scenarios were forced assassins, neither did the things I had to, had things done to them – to you.”

“You don’t think so? You do know about the whole SHIELD is HYDRA is SHIELD thing right? I mean that _was_ our last encounter. I worked for and killed for them too. The big difference being I wasn’t tortured and forced, only lied to. But my situation isn’t like yours, I can only try to understand. Like I said, a ‘lite beer version’.”

“What the fuck is lite beer? and why?”

Steve laughed heartily. “I think you’ve got the right idea. Less alcohol, fewer calories.”

“Good god! and _why_?” Bucky repeated.

“For people watching their figures? Lightweights? I don’t know.” His laughter continued and Bucky joined in, laughing his first laugh in as long as he could remember. He lowered himself to the dirt by Steve’s side and they sat against each other laughing.

“I’d love a beer. Or a whiskey.” He sighed coming off the laugh. “Even though it’s all lite these days.”

“Yeah, you have to enjoy the flavor to give two shits about it. You too huh?”

“Yup. No more alcohol buzz, but after all of the shit happening to this head over the past 7 decades, it’s ok. I like the clarity when I can find it.”

“I found out how it worked, or didn’t work, after you fell from the train. I couldn’t dull the pain.”

Bucky leaned back against Steve, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, I didn’t grab you. I couldn’t save you and I couldn’t dive after you.”

“Why the hell would you?”

“Oh I don’t know, can’t die from a fall, and should have tried.”

“Fuck that. We’d have made a great machine for them if they’d have gotten their hands on you too. And I do too have things I’m sorry for. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better soldier, I’m sorry about the mess in DC. Just because the latter wasn’t my design, it was me who did it. It’s me who has to apologize, Hydra never will.”

“Buck, you were a fine soldier!” Steve angled to look at his friend, “I was always proud to fight alongside you. You fought to the end and tried to save both of us. How were you lacking as a soldier?”

“I don’t know, I just think if I’d been better, done more, we could have come out on the other end ok and you’d have Peggy.”

“Or we’d have died in some battle. You were an exemplary soldier; why else would Hydra have gone to such lengths to keep you. Don’t say that it’s because you were my friend, because they never made your presence known to me. They’d have let me know if that was why they targeted you.”

“Part of it was because Zola got his hooks in me. This is surreal. I was just hours ago rotting in a cell and now I’m telling you things I never thought I would be able to.”

“So what happened in there?”

“I had a very small space. ‘S ok, I don’t take up much space. Probably bigger than way back in Brooklyn.” He smirked. “They found me in the woods, fired some electrical pulse weapon that shorted out the arm temporarily, I was overtaken and drugged. They knew the right dose and they knew how to disable the arm. I knew it was those bastards, and every day I waited to be either executed or taken back to the chair and cryo. You know about all of that right?”

He felt the heave of a sigh as Steve answered, “Yeah.”

“I waited and waited, but it didn’t come. Those first days, weeks, while I waited I tried to keep track of the time. I did it by tracking my heart rate but you know what happened? I slipped into dark place in my head. I was a wreck. I actually had visions of being a living, breathing clock – and – it was so fucked up… it really fucking scared me. Like the time we went to that horror flick after we were told not to?”

“ _Svengali_.” Steve shuddered. “How horribly prophetic.”

“Yes! That’s the one. But I didn’t even think of what it was about, I just remember how scared – I just – that’s how scared I got. I let the fear drive, I was _not_ going to be a machine again and especially not at Hydra’s hands. I fought back from the darkness in my head even physically, I think, and when I came out of whatever it was I was pickin’ myself up off the floor clear across the cell. The second time my head got screwed with, it wasn’t as eerie or dramatic, but the sensory deprivation was _really_ starting to work. I was getting paranoid. Really paranoid, and if I kept going down that road I wouldn’t have been in any shape to fight back today.”

“We’d have come in after you. We were planning exactly that and we had no idea what kind of shape you’d be in so we were prepared for the worst. Sam was flying recon and then we were both going in. When he said he saw you in the courtyard he shocked the shit out of me, but man I was proud. For a split second, then I was frustrated that everything could have gone so wrong. If you’d have taken off yesterday, for example.”

“I waited as long as I could. I didn’t even know if you’d find it when I sent the message, but I hoped, and I waited until they came and literally dragged me out of the cell. I really did hope one of them was you, but god damn I fought like they weren’t.”

“Good thing. Good instincts, great plan. Fuckers almost messed it up for us.” Steve chuckled.

“So, going into Gilboa against Hydra. Just six dumbasses?”

“No way! Four dumbasses and two “super soldiers”.” Steve waited for Bucky’s response before laughing, It was perfect when he turned to look at him with a “you gotta be shittin’ me” face before tossing back and laughing again.

“We’ve done stupider.” Bucky sighed.

“You remember any of that shit Buck?” Steve turned to look at him again.

“Snatches. A lot of things in my memories are snatches. Sometimes they weave together and make a full picture, and then sometimes that’s all I get.”

“I’m sorry, is it difficult being around me? If I say or ask the wrong thing tell me?”

“Calm down Steve. It’s ok. Of course, _you_ are woven in my memories much more than things like war stories or even assassinations. We go way back, you and me.”

“Yes. We do at that.” Steve sighed against his friend’s strong back. “Why did you pull me out of the river?”

“I needed to.”

“That simple?” Steve asked, incredulous.

“Yes. That’s all I knew at the time – I needed to get you out. It was more complex than that in my head but that’s what it boils down to. Why did you order the helicarrier shot down before getting out? Why did you think you could fix any of anything by doing that?”

“Hope.”

“The pair of us,” Bucky snorted, “and then after everything we sit here swapping stories like a million other times.”

“We should have a deck of cards or something.” Steve smiled. “Whatever’s changed Buck, you gotta know it’s good to have you back.”

“I like that. I hope you can continue to feel that way. I can’t keep reminding you I’m different.”

“You don’t have to. You never have to say it again. I’m looking forward to getting to know you. This is nice though. It’s familiar and comfortable. It makes a good jumping off point.”

“That it does. So, I suppose you should get back in there for strategizing.”

“We. I could really use your help, if you have any insight to share?”

“Oh, I’ve got plenty. Do I get to call out Shepherd? Cos I can’t just pretend he’s subordinate if he’s at all calling the shots. Just ain’t right Steve.”

“Well, you can call him out if you’d like but I’m the one supposedly calling the shots. It’s you and Sam I trust at my back. He’s made it clear to Sam and me, he is intel and he and his men are muscle.”

“You trust me at your back when the last time we met I tried to kill you? You’re an idiot.”

“Nah. That was another time. We’ve had a few of those, “other times”. We’re square.”

“Really. Square huh? Hey, back to the topic of beer and whiskey, you know the whole no-buzz thing? What was the weirdest difference for you – not counting the size issue – when you came out of Stark’s machine? For me there’s a couple of things I noticed right off the bat.”

“Yeah? Things like?”

“Oh I could hear things from farther away, real crisp. I could see farther too, and colors were more vibrant.

“Holy shit Buck, colors! From a ‘shades of brown’ kind of world, to a rainbow of colors – full spectrum, I had to figure them out on my own. So picture this, here I am, wearing tights and I’m touring the US trying to learn colors without telling anyone what was happening.”

“Kinda like faking your way through learning the colors in school in the first place?”

“You helped me; don’t even act like I was the only cheater.” Steve laughed, feeling warm from the ease that had settled over them. He rose and held a hand out to pull Bucky to his feet. He was met with the left arm as a dare.

Steve gripped the forearm congenially “You don’t flinch from the weapon?” Bucky asked in challenge. Then the fingers closed around Steve’s forearm and when Bucky stood he pulled Steve into a hug.

“No, I don’t flinch from the tool. It’s your arm now, an intricate piece of machinery that makes your life easier. It’s Bucky, not Hydra.”

“Good, cos I’m kind of attached to it.” he smirked, picking up the chair and turning toward the cabin.

“Bet you missed it after 2 months.” Steve remarked as they stepped inside.

“I did. Learned a few tricks.” Bucky shrugged, “Thanks for fixing it up.”

David and Sam looked up at the two when they entered, Sam searching Steve for stress or anxiety and finding neither, David just twirled his glass, looking back to the amber liquid.

“Everything ok?” Sam finally spoke.

“Would be better if you have more of that.” Steve gestured the whiskey they both were drinking.

“Nothing but the best,” David said, handing Steve the bottle, “liberated that from a shipping container, King Silas’ favorite label.”

“You're a dissident then?” Bucky asked.

“It seems I caused a bit of trouble. I’m coming back for something that was taken from me and mine, if I enjoy a bit of the spoils on the way and it’s not hurting anyone, what are a few bottles of whiskey anyway?” David’s smile was pained, but he enjoyed his own humor.

“Steve filled me in a little on the trouble you caused, and the “thing” you're going back for.” Bucky took the glass Steve offered, “Shit, this is the good stuff. So, if Silas is or isn’t dead what’s the plan?”

“I don’t trust the man to not be dead. Damn, it’s hard to look at you. You look so much like Jack.”

Sam chuckled, “Especially without the layers of hair.”

“That going to make it hard to work with me?” Bucky asked David.

“No, not if my glossing over the truth earlier isn’t going to make it hard to work with me.”

“We’ve all got our stories. I’m going in to have his back,” Bucky slashed a thumb in Steve’s direction, “and to carve a piece out of Hydra. You cross us; you’re on the opposing side.”

His icy gaze unnerved David but he nodded. “Sounds fair.”

They plotted and speculated, David complimented Jack’s maps and schematics as they compared them to current charts. “He was very helpful.” Steve said in response.

“In spite of everything he went through, he was eager to help us. What are your plans for him when you reach the city and start ironing things out” Sam asked.

“He’s not good for the country, I can’t just – ”

“David, I’m not sure that’s your call, after what Michelle had to say. However, I don’t speak for Jack right now, but I’m willing to bet he’s not exactly excited to come back.” Steve spoke sincerely, “He seemed to have honestly left this place behind, but he’s not a free man, he’s a fugitive. Can you do right by him if he’s not a threat to the country?”

Bucky fought to not roll his eyes, so much for leaving this to Shepherd.

“We have to find out if there’s even anything I _can_ do. But, even after all the fighting against Silas; Jack tried – maybe too late – to do the right thing. After me fighting the inevitable, if I have any sway, I’ll see to it that Jack can be freed.”

* * *

Steve and Bucky took the evening watch so that Sam and David and David’s men could get some sleep. They sat together in silence and before the sky darkened, Bucky slid his notebook across the space. Steve picked it up with a curious look to Bucky. He got a curt nod in reply as Bucky scoured the horizon. Steve sat next to him, reading the measured characters, emotions crossing his face with the words and the feelings that were expressed on paper. “How did you write all of this in the dark?” he asked, impressed.

“Desperation. I didn’t want to lose what I’d found.” He tapped his index finger to his temple, “You can do a lot that someone might think impossible out of desperation. Not to mention I had a lot of time on my hands.”

“Damn,” Steve muttered, turning another page. “chrissakes Buck. This –”

“Yeah, it was pretty shitty. Could have been worse.” Bucky’s answer was no-nonsense in light of Steve’s blatant disappointment.

“Should never have been so bad.” Steve grumbled.

“Saying it won’t change it. Don’t worry so much. You know? I found some cards in that bag you gave me. It’s not like you to forget stuff. Fancy a hand of five card draw?”

“Stakes? Considering you just busted out of prison?” Steve’s smile was distracted, but Bucky knew he’d seen that look before and knew his diversion was going to work.

“You take IOU’s from old war buddies?”

“I suspect you’re good for it.”

“As far as I can recall (which, admittedly isn’t as good as it once was) there was never a problem.” He smirked as he shuffled the cards.

“You’re trouble.” The smile was easier now, “but you were always good for it.”

“I’m trouble? Wait just a minute, who –”

“Yeah, I know.” Steve smirked. “Deal the cards.”

They played until the light disappeared and David’s men came in from their watch. Steve introduced everyone so there wouldn’t be any freak incidents, before the men went into the cabin.

“You think we oughtta split up or are you confident that this is a clear enough vantage point?” Bucky asked, allowing himself, knowing that Steve knew the layout well enough, to cede the decisions to him.

“We should be good right here; a little later we can take a turn each and do a sweep.” Steve was pleased that Bucky was engaged and asking questions, not aloof and acting on his own. It was like the old days, just enough.

“Sounds like a plan.”

The two sat much the same way as they had done when Steve had finished cutting Bucky’s hair, knees drawn up, sitting back to back. They were silent but it wasn’t strained. A couple of hours of watch and companionable silence passed before Bucky spoke quietly, “Steve? How much trouble do I have to face if I go with you?”

“It’s not great, Buck.” Steve answered honestly. “To tell the truth, I didn’t think you’d want to go back.”

“I can’t ever go “back” Steve, but I do want to go _home_.”

“It’ll be tough, a fight for sure. We can get you lawyers; I will back you all the way.”

“But I could face prison, _again_.”

“It’s possible.” Steve’s voice was barely a whisper.

“Well, that’s ok, I guess. As long as it’s not like that pit I came out of today.” He didn’t feel the reassuring tone he’d adopted, but for the most part, it was true. A modern us prison would be a far cry better than any Hydra treatment he’d received so far.

“Well, it’s no lap of luxury, but it’s not that either.” Steve agreed before adding “I won’t let it happen.”

“You might not have a choice.” Bucky leaned his head back against Steve’s shoulder. “They’ll disable the arm. I’m just getting used to having two again.” He chuckled.

“You have the strangest sense of humor.” Steve smirked into the darkness, but Bucky could hear the laugh in his voice.

“Amused _you_.”

“Maybe we can work some magic. David could be crowned king; he could send a good word home with us. The kid who fell in love with the prince, TJ? His mom’s president. Maybe we have these connections right now for good reason.” Steve’s optimism was contagious.

“On that note, I’m going to make the first sweep. If I’m not back in 20, get someone out here, don’t leave your post without someone in your spot, understand?”

“Just who left you in charge, Sergeant?” Steve smirked. “I promise.”

“Good.” Bucky said gruffly, but he let the smile rest on his lips. He strode cautiously through the wooded area, night vision gear came in handy, and he had a fleeting thought how this would have been great in his cell. ‘don’t be ridiculous’. He thought about how easy it was to settle into a situation with Steve, much more so than he’d expected. For all of his “I’m different now” he felt like the camaraderie they’d shared was timeless. He put a lot of his anxiety on that guy who kept insisting he knew him when he knew nothing of the sort. Now that he had memories – more of which kept poking their way through as he spent time around Steve – he did know _who Steve was_ and Steve just sat there with him, taking what he was willing to give and not trying to push thoughts and memories at him.

He knew things wouldn’t always be so calm; he was in a good way today, so he was tolerant and Steve had it easy. Walking the woods, he wished he’d been one of the first out here – who knows if the broken branch he’d passed was from the earlier scouts or from someone else. He angled back toward the cabin, eyes on the path and the woods around them.

Steve sat and fought to watch the opposite direction from where Bucky’d headed. He swept his gaze back there occasionally but knew there’d be a signal if anything presented itself. So he kept watch on the direction from where they’d entered. He’d sweep that area when Bucky came back.

He reminded himself that just because it felt like the old Bucky, that didn’t mean things were the same. He was sure that there was no pretense, Bucky wasn’t acting any way to placate him, things had just settled into a familiar pattern because they were, deep down, familiar. He wondered what differences he would see in Bucky other than the hardness he seemed to hold onto regarding Jack. He was also a little shocked and not just a little impressed when he’d told David “You cross us; you’re on the opposing side” with an icy cold stare that was almost the same as when he’d faced him in DC. On one hand his friend was back and on the other hand he was an enhanced version with the struggles that entailed, with a history of mistreatment to make matters worse. He heard the low whistle at 20 minutes on the dot and stood to greet Bucky as he came back. “Any noise?”

“No. I hate that I wasn’t the first one out there. I kept finding broken branches and other signs – those guys are shit at what they do.”

“So I gotta keep an extra eye out.” Steve observed, frown on his face, “I’m gonna sweep the opposite arc, make a figure eight and make sure we’re covered. See you in 20.”

He could see why Bucky was disgruntled; each time he found a sign of sloppy work he worried that they might miss something important, and not for the first time, he missed his old crew. Working his way back to camp, he thought about that and that he at least, for the first time since losing Bucky, had something priceless back in his life.

Sam was standing with Bucky when he came back and sent out the signal, they greeted him with the same quiet question he’d greeted Bucky with. “Nothing out of the ordinary – a lot more of the same though Buck.” He swiped a hand through his hair, “Did you tell Sam?”

“Yeah, I’m leaving it to him to discuss with Shepherd. I have a feeling we’re not exactly compatible. Let Sam know what you found so it’s not just coming from me.” Bucky walked away and toward the vehicle.

“He’s not wrong about Shepherd.” Sam said, “He can’t get past the resemblance, doesn’t trust him. Do you trust him Steve?”

“Yes. I know you’ve had only negative experiences so far, but I do trust him. Can’t you see the difference?”

“I see _A_ difference but I haven’t seen anything that says I can trust him.” Sam said quietly, hastily adding when an argument seemed imminent, “I haven’t seen anything that says I can’t either. I just want you to be careful. I’m going into this giving him the benefit of the doubt. I won’t have this venture torn into pieces because of a fissure in the team.”

“He’s frustrated about David’s men and their carelessness. I am too.”

“I’ll let him know of your concerns, he needs to either school them better or watch his back.”

“That worries me, Sam. If anything goes wrong – it can’t. But if it does, Bucky needs to have a clear support system. If Shepherd doesn’t trust Bucky and Shepherd’s guys are compromised –”

“I know. He needs to follow the plan, can’t go rogue. Do you think you can ensure that?”

“I’ll do my best. He wants to go home. We need David’s good word, so Bucky’s record has to stay clean.”

“You need to talk to him then. I’ve got Shepherd. He hears anything positive from you it’s just favoritism, he hears it from me, knowing I’m hesitant, it’s better for all involved.”

“If you need to – have him go out and check the footpaths, there are a lot of sloppy edges. I’ll talk to Buck.”

Steve went to the vehicle where he’d seen Bucky heading and peered inside. Bucky was laying across the seat, arm over his eyes, one leg bent, and the other dangling over the edge of the seat. He rapped on the window before opening the door. “Buck let’s go hit the bunks.”

“I’d rather not be in there with those two.” He said matter-of-factly.

“Can’t be comfortable.” Steve said, climbing in and over Bucky to the front seat, “but you’re not wrong. It’s unnerving not knowing anything about them. Oh, hope you don’t mind.”

A smile ghosted Bucky’s lips unseen in the darkness, “No, you I don’t mind. Sam’s ok too, he’s been a good friend?”

“Yeah, a grounded tether to this new existence.” Steve sighed.

Bucky thought he heard so much in that soft sound. “but?”

“But nothin’.” Steve deflected.

“Don’t think I don’t know this tactic. I’m a pro at avoidance. What, Steve?”

“If I say anything it’s going to sound sappy and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so let’s just drop it.”

“Sap away.”

“Remember, you asked. The thought just crossed my mind that it was nice to have a tangible tether to my old existence.”

Steve closed his eyes to the dark shadows of the vehicle, folding in on himself to try to settle in to sleep. Bucky stared through the darkness toward the ceiling. “I think so too.” He finally said, thinking that the even breathing from the front seat signaled Steve’s sleep.

Steve’s mouth curved into a soft smile.

Bucky drifted in and out of sleep, imaginings of being sold out, being recaptured and dragged to the chair and the cold causing him to wake with a start and roll to his feet. He was in a hazy place where he couldn’t recognize his surroundings. Hearing a sound from the darkness he slid his knife from its sheath and slipped his arm around where the noise was coming from. He tightened his arm and held the knife to the throat of the man. “Don’t move” he growled.

“Buck,” Steve’s voice came through the darkness and haze, “’S just me Buck. Steve.” His voice was strong and quiet. “Did you hear a noise?”

The words took their time registering, “I heard something, I think it was you.” He relaxed his arm, releasing Steve from its constricting hold and dropped the knife into its sheath. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” Steve said on a sigh, “yeah, are you?”

“No. Agitated.”

“You need anything?”

“I’ve been cooling my heels too long; I need some kind of diversion.”

“I know a place; let me clear it with Sam so they don’t wind up shooting at us.” At Bucky’s grunt of assent, Steve slipped out of the vehicle and whistled low, then approached the lookout. “Hey, he said softly, “We’ve got some pent up energy over there that needs a release, I know a clearing, – can you guys not shoot at us when you make your sweep?”

“So you’re saying if we see him beating the shit out of you, he’s not trying to kill you so we shouldn’t shoot him?” Sam’s tone was filled with sarcasm.

“No, well yeah that and don’t shoot me either. You don’t have permission to shoot me.” Steve teased back.

“You’d heal.” Sam replied with a mock whine.

“No. No shooting.” Steve bantered back.

“Yeah, of the two of us, I’m not the one who shot you last.” This time he was serious.

“Different times.” Steve said as he walked away. Bucky was leaning against the truck, lit cigarette in hand when Steve got back. “Come with me.” Steve said quietly.

Bucky pushed off the truck, extinguishing the smoke on the window of the truck and pocketing it. He settled into step alongside Steve as they headed through the trees. When the path narrowed, they conceded to one another equally, Steve allowing Bucky to go ahead when the advantage was Bucky’s, and likewise, in reverse. This was not a captain and his sergeant but two men who respected one another.

Steve tossed off his jacket as he entered the clearing. Bucky circled the perimeter, looking out into the woods surrounding the clearing as he went. Steve rolled him as he made the final arc but Bucky caught Steve by the shirt-collar and grazed his skin with the metal tips of his fingers, catching it in a pinch. The other hand was coiled in a fist and ready to strike just as Steve ducked that shoulder and somersaulted, pulling Bucky over him for a mere moment before Steve kicked himself to his feet and turned to face him.

“Cheap shot, punk.” Bucky said through his teeth.

“Checking your reflexes.” Steve countered. “You’re older than me, after all.”

Bucky launched himself at Steve’s midsection, and they engaged in a full body assault. Punching and kicking weren’t enough. Hundred-year old trees caught first Bucky’s body then Steve’s. The air caught growls and grunts and the sounds of flesh on flesh. The dirt caught spit and blood.

Bucky’s heart pounded “alive. Alive. Alive” in his chest and he savored it. His blood rushed with adrenaline as he flipped and landed to kick Steve’s feet from under him. Steve’s chest constricted when he received a punch to the ribs. He sucked in a breath and growled through a series of punches to Bucky’s midsection.

Bucky grappled with Steve and ground his teeth as Steve bent backward away from him and pulled him overhead, flipping him onto his back with a rush of air. Steve continued the backward motion, flipping over and landing on top of Bucky, knees on either side of his rib cage.

Bucky lay there, catching his breath as he felt the weight of Steve’s body land hard on him with a second ‘whoosh’ the air burst from him again. “Tough. Son. Of. A. Bitch.” He panted, laughter in his voice.

Steve flung his leg over to settle at Bucky’s side, sucking in a breath and pressing his elbow to his ribs. “Yeah, didn’t even try to pull that one punch did you, asshole?”

“Got carried away.” Bucky turned to look as Steve flung himself to the ground to lie next to his friend.

Steve saw his smile and laughed. “Feel better?”

“Yeah, a little. How about you?”

“I was in one piece before. Little shit.” Steve turned to look at Bucky, saw him laughing, and threw his arm over his eyes hissing at the pain the movement caused.

Bucky turned to look at him, leaning up on an elbow. “Rib?” he prodded Steve’s side, receiving a “fuck” in return. He palpated the area, satisfied, “You’ll live. Suffered worse before Erskine.”

“Yeah, maybe so.” Steve grinned as Bucky lay back again.

They looked at the stars in silence before Steve started telling him things he’d talked about with Thor regarding the heavens. Bucky was voluntarily a captive audience for this fantasy.

Steve turned to see Bucky sleeping with his head resting on his arm. He rolled to a seated position and sat watch while he let his friend, whose writing detailed vast amounts of getting less than even the basic amounts of sleep, snoozed. He would wake him when necessary and not before.

It was just before dawn when he heard footsteps and a low whistle. He answered the sound and Sam stepped into the clearing speaking softly, “you killed him? That was unexpected.”

“Ha, funny.” Steve said quietly as he rose to walk to the edge of the space. “Doesn’t trust David’s guys, the truck was uncomfortable. And there was a moment. So, this was a necessary diversion, and probably a thousand times more comfortable than the odd lumps and short seat of the truck.”

“D’you?” Sam asked, “Trust David’s guys?”

“I’m a bit uneasy. You get a bead on David? Can we tell him our concerns?”

“Yeah, I mentioned the trail markers and he was none too happy. He thinks these guys might just be extremely passionate and a lot less experienced in the wilderness parts, he’s sending them out today to rendezvous with two-to-four soldiers, guys he’s actually fought with. He figures we have the day and should head into the city under the dark of night – these two are supposed to take out the power to the city. David’s sure they can handle the urban setting more than the field and trees piece of the puzzle. It’ll just be the four of us for a couple of hours – maybe we can smooth things over so that sleeping beauty over there can grow on Shepherd.

“Sleeping beauty doesn’t give two fucks if he grows on “king David” or not.” Bucky said rolling to a sit and rubbing his eyes.

“No, Buck but I do. I’d like the main players to not be sniping at each other.” Steve turned to face his friend, “You don’t have to like him, but it would help if he trusted you. I know you’ll show him respect while we work together.”

It wasn’t an order or a request, it was just a belief.

“You should be careful assuming you know things.” Bucky rose and approached the duo, held out his hand, “Wilson.”

Sam took the offered hand and shook, “Barnes.”

Sam was enjoying not only the hard ass routine Bucky was giving Steve, but the reluctant respect that he really was showing. He figured Steve was right this time, Barnes was ok.

“So, you tell ‘im I held a knife to your throat yet?” Bucky said conversationally as they simultaneously headed toward the path they’d taken in to the clearing to head back out.

“You what?” Sam snapped involuntarily.

“Yeah, nightmare or night terror, something. Heard a noise and didn’t bother to ask questions.”

Sam turned from Bucky’s no-nonsense confession to Steve’s pink-cheeked face with a brow quirked in question.

“Yeah, it happened. I wasn’t worried about it. Like he said; “night terrors”.”

“No, no… you don’t just say ‘yeah he held a knife to me, I wasn’t worried’.”

“OK, so what _do_ I say? It’s what happened, it’s how it happened, and everyone is fine, if a little sore from a sparring session.”

Bucky followed, grinning at the discussion thinking how little had changed for Steve. He wasn’t proud of his moment in the truck but he couldn’t help but see humor in Steve’s matter-of-fact acceptance. Sam didn’t even seem to be judging him, but trying to correct Steve’s self-destructive tendencies. “Good luck with that.” He said aloud unintentionally.

Steve turned and gave him a dubious look and he could see Sam’s shoulders shaking with laughter. His own grin was betraying him as Steve’s features softened into a smile. “Jerk.”

Steve was relieved at the level of familiarity they were sharing. He was still trying to keep his heart from getting carried away with ideas that this was his old friend, and to just remain happy that there was enough in there to keep things easy between them, but he’d resolved to do exactly that. He would do everything he’d expect if roles were reversed.

Bucky shook his head and fought a grin. He had a lot of fleeting memories of this kind of banter and it felt right. His fear and distrust were on the edges of his consciousness but he fought them because something tickled at his memory, some feeling that was stronger than both the fear and the distrust combined.

He knew the reason this trouble-seeker, he definitely remembered him for that trait, and some other traits seemed to be wriggling their way through is mind, was easy to follow was because of that greater feeling. On one hand he wanted to ask, but he didn’t want to encourage the wrong impression. On the other hand he felt he should experience everything as it surfaced, to keep things safe until he could make sense of them.

After all, wasn’t that what it was about? Self-preservation? Yet, if that were the case, he wouldn’t worry about the impression it left, he was protecting Steve too. Why was that still so important? His wandering thoughts didn’t deter him from doing his job, watching.

They took the same route out from the clearing that they had coming in, the same route that he surmised Sam had taken, based on two facts; it made sense as the most direct route and Sam was leading them out and it would follow that he knew the way through based on previous experience. What pleased Bucky about these being the only facts he could pick up was that it meant that Sam was as careful as he and Steve were. He’d left little to no evidence of his being there. They weren’t just tromping in and out of the forest; each man was gracefully stepping in the soft groundcover, careful not to disturb the branches or roots, and not leaving boot prints in the soft dirt.

By the time they’d arrived at the cabin, the two men that had been with David had left to send the others back and to get ready for the task in the city. Bucky put on his best charming behavior in the interest of peace. He really wanted to know if the men could be trusted, not wanting to put David on the offensive any more than his face seemed to do, he offered to join David on lookout duties.

Bucky pulled out the cigarette and book of matches he’d found in the truck, “do you mind?” he asked casually.

“No, go ahead.”

“Thanks.” He replied cordially, striking a match and setting it to the end of the cigarette. The way Bucky drew on the end of the smoke as the end turned cherry red made David long for a drag, simultaneously thinking about Eli with sadness.

“I’m sorry there’s this weirdness between us.” Bucky offered, looking at David earnestly, “If it makes you feel better, this was my face before your prince had his version. I’m not Jack, I’m not saying I can prove you can trust me, I don’t even know enough about myself to say. What I do know is Hydra is our mutual enemy and I won’t jeopardize your situation in any way.”

Bucky noticed David’s eye following the cigarette more than watching the horizon and offered it to him.

“Yeah, I’ve come to that conclusion myself.” David took a hit from the cigarette, “Thanks. Shouldn’t really do that, but sometimes…”

Bucky took the returned cig with a knowing grin and a nod, “If you could do Steve a solid for joining you in this fight – and _not_ going off on his own, I might add – and consider doing something nice for Jack, it would be greatly appreciated. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t have a lot of faith in the kid.”

David chuckled, “Sounds like you know Steve well enough. At least if what Sam’s said about him is any indication.”

“Apparently there are traits that stick with a person.” Bucky smiled, taking a final draw on the cigarette before making sure it was extinguished. “Can I ask for some details about your men? Do you trust those two that were here? What about the replacements?”

“I’m pretty sure those guys were ok. Green.” David shrugged. “I’m absolutely sure about the ones coming in – and I can ask them more about the rookies. I’d trust anything they could tell me about ‘em.”

Bucky noticed how much more relaxed David had been getting as the time passed. He had thought David’s mistrust wouldn’t bother him, but now that things were easing up between them, Bucky found it to be much more of a relief not to be getting the razor sharp glare than he’d thought it would be.

It could have to do with having eyes on him constantly, making him agitated. It could be because he didn’t want to be reminded of the things he’d done. Should it be this difficult to be associated with someone who could garner the level of disdain that Shepherd seemed to be wrestling with regarding the prince? If the upstart pulled the (in comparison) minor shit he’d heard about then what, exactly, would someone like Shepherd think of the crimes he’d committed?

If he could be positive about things, and sometimes he could find the positive, it could be as simple as the possibility that they could accomplish this together without a rift in the group. Steve had already made it clear that he expected no less. Even if he hadn’t felt deep down that he could trust Steve in command, Steve was in charge, and Bucky was a soldier.

“I appreciate it.” Bucky answered David’s assurance, and then gave him some unsolicited advice. “Hydra has two main approaches, full frontal, and subterfuge. They took your kingdom using both and they could be in your camp as well. I would advise you make sure you can absolutely trust someone and then still be wary of anything that seems unusual. They don’t hold back, they don’t pull punches. If you discover someone is tied to Hydra don’t trust a word they say. If you’re not looking for answers, treat them the same way you’ll be treating them in the city. If you are looking for answers, make sure the bastards won’t end their own lives prematurely.”

“I won’t kill my own men, Sergeant.”

“Captain, you can’t afford to be sentimental. If they’re Hydra, they’re not your men and I won’t be giving second chances to Hydra agents.”

“Does that include you?”

Bucky leaned back, looking over the bridge of his nose at David. “ _Captain_ , I was never an _agent_ for Hydra, I was a prisoner and a weapon. I’m _taking_ my second chance. Something I think you know a thing or two about, moving in under cover of darkness, to a kingdom that tore your life apart and threw it in your face.”

David felt the chill in Barnes’ voice, he’d crossed a line, but the man exercised tremendous control over the rage that was obviously just under the surface. David knew his next words would either break the hold the man had over his anger or they would pacify the situation. He had been thrown by the thought that he might have to kill a man he’d worked so closely with, and had responded tersely, but Barnes was right. He’d made the wrong choices where Silas was concerned and that was because he’d believed in his king.

He knew Hydra was far worse than Silas had ever been and that they were a plague that needed to be treated as such. The men who c _hose_ to move with Hydra were the issue. The man in front of him had never made that call. David looked at the man; this man was no Jack Benjamin. When Jack had been angry or hurt and had pointed all of his rage at him, he had been intimidating; Barnes was downright menacing and that was with his rage managed with a control that Jack never had. If he ever unleashed the tightly grasped rage, David knew that would be devastating.

“I’m sorry. I crossed a line. This is a new threat, one that I have to admit I don’t know much about. I’m used to dealing with a different kind of people. I never imagined there could be something worse than simple oppression and greed. I’m just starting to see how naïve I’ve been. I’m truly grateful to you for offering your expertise and experience, even if it is offered for your friend Captain Rogers, I benefit from it and I want to thank you.”

“You’re going to make a strong leader.” Bucky acquiesced, “As long as we survive this.”


	18. Seaglass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There’s always more isn’t there? What if I can’t go anywhere without finding this. What if it’s telling me something?”
> 
> “It is, TJ. Listen to what it really is telling you.” Jack leaned his head back, the cool, hard tub offering little comfort. He wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. He wanted to be. If TJ chose to use the drug would he do it with him? He’d practically been asked. What would it be like, to be high with TJ? What would the sex be like?

* * *

Jack woke lazily from his accidental nap, he and TJ had been sprawled across the huge bed, languidly touching one another, and laughing at silly stories they were recalling and sharing with each other. Jack looked around and TJ was nowhere to be found. The room and the sky outside were dark.

He listened for noise in the bathroom before getting up and wandering the wide hallway toward the large common area. The whole penthouse was dark and he suddenly felt very lonely. “TJ?” he called into the darkness.

He peeked into each room starting with the conference room, before progressing down the hallway, he stepped back into the room he and TJ were sharing. He picked up his phone to see if he’d missed a message, and he checked the side-tables and dresser to see if TJ had left a note. He found nothing.

Jack’s heart started pounding and he could feel it in throbbing in his head. Swallowing a lump in his throat, he pulled up TJ’s smiling photo that labeled as his contact and looked at it sadly, worried, before punching the “call” button. The phone rang and he thought he heard it down the hall, further down than they’d explored together, “just went to sleep in another room, I guess.” He said to himself hopefully as he ended the call before it went to voicemail and pressed send again to follow the rings.

No matter what he said to himself just a moment ago, Jack’s hands were shaking and his heart was still thudding in his ears. “TJ, baby?” he called out before opening the door to the bedroom at the end of the hall. With the door open he heard the continuing rings coming from the attached bathroom. He ended the call, and set his phone on the bed, softly calling out again, “Kitten? TJ honey?”

He saw TJ sitting on the floor with his back against the tub, his phone in one hand and a vial in the other. TJ’s face was drawn as he looked up at-and-through Jack.

Jack moved closer, “TJ? What’s goin’ on, sweetheart?” He wasn’t going to ask if he was on anything and he wasn’t going to act on the impulse that was tearing through him to swipe the vial away. Even now, this was going to have to be TJ’s choice.

“Have you ever done blow Jack?” TJ asked, his voice was hollow.

“Yeah, of course. Don’t care either way, though.” He said lazily as he knelt next to TJ’s thigh. “Can I sit with you?”

“I didn’t do anything. I’m still clean… but it’s right here.” TJ shook the vial in his fist. He sounded emotionally distant and it killed Jack.

“Yeah, it sure is. How old is it?” TJ finally nodded that Jack could sit, so he lowered himself to sit snugly beside TJ against the large tub.

TJ huffed a bitter laugh, “pretty damn. I honestly forgot about it Jack. I wasn’t lying when I said I thought it was all gone.”

“I believe you. So you found it tonight, who cares? We can’t all remember every little thing all of the damned time. So, what’s your plan? You want to keep it? Use it? Or dump it?”

“Why haven’t you just taken it from me?”

“There are a number of reasons. On one hand, if I take it from you, you might get so angry you crack my head open on one of the very hard surfaces in here. Even if you didn’t you could resent me for a very long time. On the other hand, I know we’re both adults and we both are capable of making both really terrible and really great choices and I know you’re on the verge of making a choice yourself.”

“Yeah?” the first hint of emotion lit TJ’s voice, “What choice?”

“Well, that remains to be seen, but I’m optimistic, since the stuff is still there, in your hand, that you’ll make a healthy choice. I trust you to make the best choice for you.” Jack put his hand on TJ’s thigh. “Wanna talk about how you found it? Or why you went looking?”

“I think it was a nightmare, I can’t even remember it now, seriously how do you do something this stupid and not remember why?”

“Dreams are fleeting, even if they’re powerful.” Jack knew, “I’ve had some doozies that have sent me screaming into the darkness and then when I woke there was just a feeling of terror. Just because you can’t remember it doesn’t make it any less impactful.”

“If I didn’t know this was here, how did I know where to find it?” TJ asked.

“You remembered. Long enough for it to matter.” Jack answered softly, taking TJ’s phone from his hand and setting it aside. “Did you text or call Janie?”

TJ dropped his head and shook it, “No.”

“Are you trying to pass some kind of test without any outside assistance? You know that’s not required.”

“I didn’t want her to stop me.” TJ said honestly. Jack’s heart sank but he really, deeply understood the darkness that was there.

“TJ. I’m not going to stop you either. Not because I don’t want to. I want to stop you and drag you out of here, even if you’re kicking and screaming – because I love you. If I do that, the choice is taken from you and you won’t know the depth of your strength. I won’t leave you alone to do it though. You’ll have to choose your next move and make it with me sitting here with you.”

TJ battled the craving, turning the small glass jar over and over between his fingers he looked at the powder as it sifted from the top to the bottom of the jar. He’d been given two gifts just now and it was his choice which one he was going to embrace. He could take the gift of trust and open the vial to upend it into the bowl of the toilet; or he could take the other gift, give in to his craving, and feel the burn as the drug sifted through his bloodstream and into his head.

Part of him was saying “don’t look at Jack. Just do this.” Another part was begging him to reach out to Jack for help. TJ held the vial up in front of his face, staring into the contents as if they possessed an answer.

“There’s always more isn’t there? What if I can’t go anywhere without finding this. What if it’s telling me something?”

“It is, TJ. Listen to what it really is telling you.” Jack leaned his head back, the cool, hard tub offering little comfort. He wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. He wanted to be. If TJ chose to use the drug would he do it with him? He’d practically been asked. What would it be like, to be high with TJ? What would the sex be like? Jack shook his head and took TJ’s now empty hand in his. “I’m here for you, Kitten.”

“It was taped under the sink, clear up inside the cabinet.” TJ offered. “Fucking resourceful, don’t you think?”

“Yes. Very. Whose bedroom is this, I mean typically?”

TJ laughed, “Mom. Dad. Either or both depending on where they are in their relationship at the moment.”

“Very “fuck you” of you.” Jack laughed, relieved that when TJ laughed with him, even though it was weak, it wasn’t the bitter sound from a moment before.

Jack sat quietly beside TJ for what felt like at least an hour, he’d never know for sure, TJ turned the vial in his fingers, sometimes idly, sometimes focusing on it. More than once, Jack wanted to snatch it from him before he finally said, “TJ, honey… Whatever decision you’ve been wrestling with, you’ve already made it. Have with it and let’s be done with this.”

“Why are you doing this? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” it was intended to be an angry outburst but TJ’s tone lacked any real energy.

“Because, when you’re lonely, the last thing you really want is to be alone. Because, if you really are planning to start fighting for your sobriety all over again, I’m not going to leave you to do it alone on a bathroom floor. You’re going to have to do it in front of someone who loves you.”

“Why don’t you just stop me?”

“Because, TJ. It’s not my place to make your choices for you. You choose whether or not you want this. If I force you to do what I want, you haven’t chosen and so you haven’t won the battle. I’m here to see that you live through whichever choice you make.”

TJ was grateful for the trust but had a hard time with it because it was so foreign. He wanted, so badly, to get high, but he _really_ wanted what he’d fought so hard for. Giving in was the easy part, resisting was hard. He wanted someone else to make the choice for him and he almost hated Jack for making him do it himself, but then again, wasn’t this the argument he’d always had with anybody who ever tried to stop him – nobody trusted him to make the right choices and then here was Jack. He wasn’t smacking the drugs out of his hand like he was a child and he wasn’t giving him guilt for thinking dark thoughts. He wasn’t openly supporting him making the wrong choice, he clearly disapproved, but he’d stick with TJ anyway.

 TJ pressed the vial into Jack’s hand. “I don’t want it.”

“I’m so relieved.” Jack sighed deeply before continuing. “I think _you_ need to do this one. It’ll be less messy than the bags were and you can wash up right after.” Jack pressed the bottle back into TJ’s palm. “I’m right here for you.”

TJ sat up on his knees in front of the toilet bowl and waited for his hands to stop shaking. Jack put his hand on TJ’s shoulder, lightly enough to reassure him that he wasn’t alone but not heavily enough to appear intimidating. Jack’s breath caught as he watched as TJ unscrewed the cap and tipped the vial upside-down.

As soon as the bottle was empty, Jack got to his feet and held his hand out to TJ. TJ couldn’t see the hand for the tears that pooled in his eyes, there were so many emotions tearing through him, shame, disgust and fear on the top of the list followed closely by anger that he’d just done what he did. He looked up when Jack’s hand tapped his shoulder lightly. He saw the offer blearily and reached for Jack. Jack pulled TJ up and into his arms, holding him briefly before guiding him to the sink to wash any possible residue away.

“I’m very proud of you, TJ.”

“Don’t be. If I could fish it out, I would.” TJ said gruffly.

“I’m not entirely sure I believe you. I know part of what you say is true. I am proud though, it’s not always going to be easy, but you are a warrior to fight so hard.” Jack spoke from behind TJ, watching as he washed his hands then splashed water on his face. TJ looked up into the mirror and saw Jack looking back at him. “Hey, you’re going to be ok.” Jack’s reflection smiled softly at him.

“I’m sorry I ruined our weekend.” TJ went for the automatic apology, anger and pain still etched in his voice as he reached across for the towel to dry his face and hands.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but if it’s only Friday – or is it early Saturday now? – doesn’t that mean that the weekend is far from over? There’s ample opportunity left for me to do something epic to beat you to ruining anything.” Jack smirked, “you haven’t ruined a damned thing, baby. Do you want to come back to bed? Or we can watch movies, or even sit out on the balcony and just watch the city lights.”

“Let’s just get out of this room. I don’t care where.” TJ watched as Jack bent to pick up his phone.

“Come back to bed then. We were good there.” Jack took the towel from TJ and tossed it into the tub before taking his hand and pulling him gently out of the bathroom. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s a win.”

Jack stopped at the bed to retrieve his own phone then continued towing TJ along behind him. At the bedroom door, Jack stopped before pulling the door shut, “Are you sure you want to be with me tonight? You could sleep in here if you need to be alone.”

“You don’t want –”TJ’s voice sounded panicked. Jack hurried to correct his assumption.

“I didn’t say that, I want to wrap my arms around you and keep you safe, I just don’t want to crowd you, just giving you options, sweetheart.”

“No. I want to be with you.” TJ stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Jack. “I want to be with you.” He repeated softly.

“You’ve got me sweetheart. Come on.” Jack waited for TJ to start walking down the hall, determined to follow him wherever he wanted to end up for the night.

TJ ached; his almost-fuck-up was doing things to his head. He still felt the vial in his fingers even though it was washed clean and discarded. He remembered the thought he’d had before turning to the basin to wash his hands, maybe if he could just rub his eye, surely there was some residue on his fingers, and possibly find the tiniest amount to just make the pain go away. Desperation had made him think – could he there be another hiding place? TJ stopped before reaching their door, “I’m not good Jack.” He ran his fingers through his hair, his tee shirt hiked up with the movement. “Don’t go to sleep, I need you to not let your guard down.”

“Second-guessing your choice?” Jack tilted his head to look into TJ’s downcast eyes.

“The whole time I was dumping it, and I’m still thinking about it. Hard. I don’t trust myself. You have to promise.”

“It’s ok to have doubts.” Jack reached for TJ’s waist, touching the partially exposed skin there, caressing TJ lightly, “If you want me to, I’ll sit up all night with you, baby.”

Jack gave TJ a gentle nudge through the doorway, to TJ’s room, “up into the comforter with you my beautiful boy.”

TJ flopped onto the bed and Jack crawled up behind him, tugging the lofty down comforter over the two of them. He edged in closely, draping his arm over TJ’s waist and rubbing TJ’s belly softly over the tee shirt.

“I’m sorry I’m such a screw-up, Jack.” TJ moaned.

“Don’t even say that. You did something very tough tonight. It doesn’t matter that you scrambled to the place you thought, hoped, imagined you had stashed some drugs. The only thing that matters is that you didn’t immediately act beyond that, weighing the options long before I came in.”

“I should have had one reaction only. Just discarding it.”

“And I should be perfect and not tell you something really fucked up right now, but I’m going to. For a moment back there – when I had no clue which direction you were going – I thought a couple of ugly things. Three questions went through my head while I sat next to you in that bathroom. Would I do it with you? What would it be like, to get high with you? Finally, what would the sex be like?”

TJ turned over in the bed to face Jack, “You did?”

“I’m no saint TJ. Just because I’m trying to change doesn’t mean I don’t have my own fallback moments.”

“Well, fuck.” TJ touched Jack’s cheek, “I thought you were perfect.”

“Did you just tease me?” Jack grinned, relief over the lightness of the moment washed over him. “You little shit.” He teased back.

“I’m glad you didn’t have to answer any of those questions, Jack. You make me feel so much better, but I’m serious, don’t go to sleep, please? I’m begging you. I’m still not handling this all that well. I’m sure you remember how easy it is to make a phone call and have special deliveries made to penthouse apartments”

“I promise you. I’ll stay awake and I’ll keep you company. If you sleep, I’ll watch over you. You’d do no less for me.”

“I’m sorry, Jack.” TJ pressed his forehead into Jack’s shoulder. Jack cupped the back of TJ's head with his hand and idly rubbed TJ’s scalp.

“I hope you don’t stay sorry for long, I don’t even know what you’re apologizing for. You wrestled a demon. You beat it and you’re feeling bruised. If you bounced right back from something this heavy I’d be a lot more worried about you than I am right now. You’re consciously asking for help and I’m voluntarily giving it.”

“Could we talk about something else?” TJ yawned into Jack’s arm, “Anything else?”

“I’m thinking about looking into working with Steve and the Avengers in tactical planning.” Jack announced. “He mentioned something on our last couple of phone discussions. Doing it would allow me stay close to you, and once my status allows for me to travel legally, I could travel for the job – and maybe a songwriter I know and love would be able to travel with me. I’m sure you’d delight in using the time as inspiration.”

TJ’s hand had been idly stroking Jack’s arm as he spoke and when Jack noticed the movement had stopped, he looked down to see TJ sleeping on his arm.

“You’re the strongest, most amazing person I’ve ever met and I love you. Sleep well TJ. I’ll watch over you.” Jack whispered, reaching for the remote control. He settled in to watch movies until the sun came up; hopefully it would be shining in TJ’s heart too.

\---

TJ rolled over scrubbing grit and sunlight from his eyes with a groan. One of the problems with east facing windows – a fucking wall of them – was that right there. He shaded his eyes to look around the room after he determined that he was alone in the bed. Not seeing anyone in the room he bolted to a sit and tossed his legs over the edge of the bed. “Jack!!” he called out, sort of panicked that he’d been left alone after promises not to leave him.

Jack peeked through the open door before stepping in with a tray, a giant smile on his face that made TJ feel warm to his toes. “I didn’t expect you up before I came back in. I had to let food in. I was just coming in to wake you properly.”

Jack set the tray on the foot of the bed and stepped between TJ’s legs to wrap his arms around him, “I’m sorry you woke alone.”

TJ buried his face in Jack’s chest, holding him tightly. “I panicked.” He said, muffled into Jack’s shirt. “I panicked” he repeated, pulling back enough to be able to look up at Jack.

“I heard you the first time,” Jack smiled as his fingers trailed along TJ’s jaw and down his neck. “I’m sorry I really did hope I could be back before you woke up. I promise, the longest you were alone was maybe five minutes but you weren’t truly alone. I was just down the hall waiting on a knock at the door. You look rested, did you sleep well?”

“I guess. I didn’t have any trouble going to sleep and I don’t remember any unpleasant dreams so –" TJ shrugged, "yeah?”

“Then we’re back on track.” Jack kissed TJ’s forehead. "Do you think you can eat something?”

“I could probably eat all of it.” TJ admitted, “I’m actually famished.”

“You don’t want to overdo it, overeating on top of the emotional upset from last night isn’t the best idea. I’d hate if you were to get sick on top of everything else. That is something we definitely don’t need right now.”

“Is it ok to start with coffee?” TJ asked, scooting back onto the bed to rest against the sturdy headboard.

Jack situated the tray beside TJ and crawled up onto the bed, sitting next to TJ within reach of the tray with his legs crossed. At the angle he was sitting his knee brushed against TJ’s leg as he reached for the coffee and the sugar. Jack sweetened TJ’s coffee finishing it up with the perfect amount of cream before handing it to him.

“Thank you. Not just for the coffee either. Thank you for everything.” TJ eagerly took the cup that Jack handed him, “How can you be so happy with no sleep?”

“I’ll sleep later. I’m happy for a number of reasons; I’m happy because today’s a new day, which means you made it one more day sober. As hard as it was, you made the healthy choice so you have nothing to regret. I’m happy that you don’t have to start over, you can keep moving forward, with the knowledge that you did it yourself. Nobody forced your hand; you made your own choice. All of that is why I’m happy.”

“I probably wouldn't have made such noble choices if you hadn’t been here.” TJ frowned.

“You don’t know that TJ. You were still weighing your options when I found you. You’re not allowed to talk like that.” Jack put his hand on TJ’s leg, “Where is it written that you have to be alone to be successful? You _are_ allowed to have support with tough decisions. You can’t take a win and pick it apart. I won’t allow it.”

“You won’t allow it, huh?” TJ sipped from his mug, “How would you achieve that?”

“Well, I can’t and won’t get into your head, but I will keep reminding you every day how proud I am of your healthy choices. Whether it’s the toughest challenges or you’re just suppressing an itch at the back of your mind, so get used to it.”

TJ held his coffee mug in both hands, feeling the warmth and looking into it instead of at Jack as he asked, “What would we be talking about if I’d have made the other choice?”

“Well, seeing how you’re beating yourself up over making the right choice, if you’d have made the other move, I think guilt, and regret would be your worst enemy. If you weren't just out chasing your next high. Either way, I’m glad you made the right choice. I’m a little angry with myself for risking you the way I did by just watching while you made it.”

“Risking me?”

“Well yeah, you know the spiral that could have happened, either from guilt over what you’d done or from apathy after caving to the addiction, I risked your safety. I took the risk of losing you to the addiction, which would have killed me, TJ. I allowed myself to hold onto the belief that you’d do the healthy, right thing even when for moments – long moments – I didn’t know how much love and trust could possibly sway you.”

TJ watched as Jack set his coffee down and wiped tears from his eyes. He felt his chest tighten at the thought that he caused the pain in Jack’s eyes. TJ’s fingers brushed Jack’s hand, “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“It does hurt to think of you in the worst places you could go, TJ. But you didn’t do anything you did to hurt me. You’re not responsible for my pain, only my joy. That pain is all on me. I put myself through it, never knowing if I was making the right choice in how to help you last night. I fought with all my might to not just bully you into my desired outcome.”

“Nobody has ever done that. Nana put words to it once but other than that – everyone has always either tossed me aside or pulled out all the stops. What you did means so much to me, even if I was resentful at the time. I wanted to hate you. I wanted to hit you. I’m glad I didn’t do either of those things.”

Jack looked at TJ sadly, “So am I. I’d hate to get into a physical altercation with you TJ. I wouldn’t trust myself.”

“I trust you, Jack.”

Jack leaned across the tray to kiss TJ before removing the cover and exposing the crepes and fruit with bacon. “Eat something. I’m starting to think you’re delirious.”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“You’re right. I was trying to ditch the subject entirely. I’ve had violent tendencies in the past and it’s not pretty. I don’t ever want to go to those dark places with you TJ.”

“How violent do you tend to get over video games?” TJ swiped a piece of bacon from one of the plates and smiled over a bite.

“I think your physical body is safe, but I will decimate you.” Jack kissed TJ’s grease-slicked lips.

“Oh that remains to be seen!! I think you underestimate me.” TJ objected.

“That, my dear, I’ll never do. I’m just confident in my skills.” Jack smirked. “Eat first; you’re going to need all the help you can get.”

“Bold statement.” TJ smirked, digging in to his breakfast. “Hope you’re prepared to back it up.”

Jack soon learned, TJ wound up wiping the floor with Jack in two out of three games. Jack accepted defeat with begrudging grace but demanded a rematch later. “I’m tired and played for shit.” He curled up to TJ on the sofa, “Is it ok if I sleep now?” he asked within a yawn.

TJ switched from games to a movie, “Have you been waiting for me to tell you it’s safe?”

“I’ve been waiting for you to _feel_ safe. I don’t know if I can wait much longer, I’m so fucking tired.” Jack moaned.

“Jack, I’m ok. Sleep sweetheart.” TJ smiled softly as he protectively put his arm around Jack. “You want to go into the bedroom?”

“Nope. ‘M good.” Jack murmured as he dozed.

TJ settled deeper into the sofa, thinking about the night before and the morning that followed. He’d definitely almost fucked up. He was feeling much stronger now but so embarrassed about the whole thing. He should call Janie, but he worried that would turn into a battle, should-haves and why-didn’t-yous weren’t anything he was in the mood for and since Jack came along, talking to Janie had sometimes felt too intrusive. He knew that was mostly on him, and fear. He knew she worried about how healthy a relationship with Jack could be, sometimes he worried too.

They were both in such a sensitive and tenuous place, TJ looked at Jack’s sleeping face, all of its worry and concern erased with the innocence of slumber. He remembered the night before, all of Jack’s gentle persuasion to make the right choice without eliciting guilt or fear of retribution.

Sure, they were both a little broken with jagged edges, but they were softening each other like shards of glass tossed about in the ocean. Sure, they wouldn’t come out of the things they’d experienced as shiny and whole, but wasn’t seaglass a wonder in itself? All of its jagged edges smoothed and a fascinating, indelible layer of depth beautifully etched forever.

TJ moved carefully, guiding Jack to lie on the sofa and covering him with the throw from the sofa back before he pulled up a seat at the piano. Inspired by his thoughts, he pulled up the recording app on his phone and started trying to capture in music, the idea that had started out as images of waves and seaglass tumbling to imperfect perfection.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky grinned as he entered the room stealthily and heard the voice of the man who’d taken the position of power, he recognized it from his first days in Gehenna. He looked at Steve with a predatory glare. When he didn’t get a go-ahead or a refusal, he lifted his silenced sidearm...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of sounds and smells of carnage

Sam and Steve sat at the table inside the cabin. Steve was making notations, and marking the map with Jack’s additions. Steve had access to as much tech as he could possibly need but the muscle memory made him feel just a little more grounded. Sam never questioned this, knowing that the man got enough prodding from the rest of the Avengers to “embrace the future”. Steve had embraced so much more technology than anyone really understood and he knew how to put it to good use.

Sam knew this was cathartic and he also knew re-reviewing it wasn’t from any real need. Steve had this entire map and all of the additions committed to memory the first time he’d reviewed it.

“You ok?” Sam finally asked.

Steve looked up, uncharacteristically distracted, “yeah. I think – yeah, I am ok Sam.”

“Do you think we should leave those two alone out there?” Sam leaned forward, “Shepherd doesn’t have going for him what you do. you know, if Barnes gets into a mood.”

“They’ll be fine, Sam. Bucky knows how important this is. He’ll do fine.”

“How can you be sure? You’ve known this man – who he is now – for a grand total of 20 hours, give or take. How do you know you’re not putting too much stock into who he was _before_ when you are making decisions?”

“I don’t know it, Sam, but I am willing to believe in him. We have a shared goal, a shared enemy. If he wants to go off on his own again when it’s done, I’ll make sure he has whatever he needs to do it safely. If he wants to come home, like he said he did, I’ll do what it takes to make that happen.”

“You’re a glutton for punishment.”

“You know how I feel, Sam. We’ve had this talk dozens of times.”

“Hundreds. I get it; it’s just that sometimes I don’t think you have a clear head where he’s concerned.”

“The world owes Bucky. I know that the world isn’t going to pay up on their debt, but I will do whatever it takes to at least try to make things easier for him. If you were in my shoes, and it was Riley, you’d do no less.”

It wasn’t like Steve to bring up Sam’s loss, he knew it was a cheap shot to do so, and today he was especially sorry to have said it, considering the circumstances. Sam masked the pain, but it didn’t go unnoticed.

“I’m sorry Sam. I should never have said that, that was unfair.”

“Yeah it was, but I understand what you’re saying. I’m not trying to stop you, I agree with you. I’m just trying to make sure you’re not missing any details. You can’t help anyone if you get yourself, or him, killed.”

“If the two of them can work together, we should be better than fine. I haven’t heard a bad thing about David and his knowledge and abilities. He seems to be a straight shooter. Bucky, as long as he keeps his word, which I can’t imagine would be a trait he’d lose or abandon… well, he won’t suffer any fools, but I’m certain he’ll fight alongside anyone who is against Hydra. It’s the best we can ask of him.”

“I notice you didn’t say he was on our side. It’s good to see that at least your eyes are open.”

“Besides him looking out for himself, I don’t know what side Bucky’s on, Sam, because I don’t think he knows. The last time we worked together was in another century. The last time we fought, it was each other. Yesterday doesn’t count. We rescued him and he and I had a few small moments. I’m aware – very aware – that things have changed. Like I told him, I’m willing to see where things go from here, with an open mind.”

“Then what are you worried about?”

“I’m not worried, Sam. It’s just a lot to process.”

“You’re not disappointed in what you found, are you?”

“Far from it. I knew going in he’d be different. I expected an immediate rejection if you want to know the truth. I didn’t know what to expect, but what I got _was_ reassuring.” Steve wiped his eye, “I recognize parts of who he was, that’s enough for now, you know, to keep me from losing it.”

 “Ok. Well, I’m going to go out there. I don’t have quite as much faith in him, and if I’m going to work with the guy, I should at least try to get to know him. You try to get some sleep.”

“In a few.” Steve leaned the chair back on two legs, “I need to look over a few more things.”

“You don’t. You’re just procrastinating sleep. Have fun with that.” Sam called him out as he walked out of the cabin. The two of them had been out there for a few hours, and Sam honestly wondered what scene he’d be walking into.

Surprised to see Bucky alone, he made his presence known before getting within reach of the wrong end of a reaction. Bucky looked up, “Hey.”

“Hey. Where’d Shepherd go?”

“He’s making a sweep, reinforcements should be in soon.”

“You doing good?”

“Just cooling my heels. It’s been too quiet. I don’t know if you guys picked a cherry place or if we’re in a clever trap. I don’t like not knowing.”

“I’m hoping it’s the former, we have enough to deal with.”

“He sleeping?” Bucky asked finally.

“Nah, not yet. Says he’ll try after he looks over a few more things. Again. Thing is, he doesn’t need to. He’s got it all memorized along with multiple contingency plans that only he knows. Guy’s sharp but he’s distracted.”

“Because of me.” Bucky knew – after all, Steve was the reason _he_ was distracted.

“Yes. I won’t sugar coat it. He’s able to function but he is distracted because of you. He’s also counting on you to see this through without causing any trouble. I’m not convinced.”

“He remembers things I don’t. He’s putting all his money on that guy. He’s a fool. But this time I’m glad he’s a little foolish. I’m not going to fuck things up. Shepherd and I have talked, we’re going to work together just fine. The mission is taking out Hydra, right? Well, that’s my entire reason for sticking around.”

Sam looked at him pointedly as he sat down next to him, “Your only reason? So when this is done you’re in the wind? Again? If that’s true, do _me_ a favor. _Tell him_ , don’t just disappear. Again.”

“Ok, so I might have another reason. That’s new.” Bucky said quietly, striking a match idly before pulling out the last cigarette from the pack that had only two in it to begin with.

“That shit’ll kill ya.” Sam said, automatically, watching Bucky settle the cigarette between his lips, still peering into the flame that was eating up the match stick.

Bucky laughed as the smoke took the light. “Y’think so? That’s rich Wilson.”

“Right. Look who I’m talking to – I can’t get used to that one in there and then you come along.”

“Thanks for the laugh. Those are rare.” Bucky smiled in gratitude.

“Any time, man, comic relief. I didn’t know I was reduced to that.”

“Nah, from what I hear you’re pretty good at what you do – and a damned good friend to Steve. Thanks for that, too, I guess.”

“You don’t have to thank me for being his friend, he’s a good guy. Which is why I worry about this situation, I don’t want him going in there distracted. I don’t want him worrying about you and what comes next and I **don’t** want him getting killed from any of the above.”

“That happens, you have my permission to put a bullet in my head.” Bucky said gruffly.

Sam’s look of shock baffled Bucky, he was certain that the man would be more than keen to do just that, “I wouldn’t do that.” Sam said honestly.

“Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t. Still, I meant it.” Bucky flicked ashes at the dirt-and-gravel covered ground where he was crouched.

“Not gonna happen. The only time I’ll consider that shit is if it’s you actually doing the deed. All bets are off if you turn on him.” Sam’s deliberate look boring into Bucky.

“Not gonna happen.” Bucky repeated. “No. Not gonna happen Wilson.”

“Listen, we can “Wilson and Barnes” each other to death but I’d rather you call me Sam.”

“Sam.” Bucky nodded. “Just like I told Steve, call me whatever you want. Barnes is fine, Bucky or James – have at it.”

“No preference? Or you just don’t want to make a connection?”

“I’m trying.” Bucky responded with honesty, “They’re my names. It’s what’s expected.”

“Is that new for you? Have you been living under assumed names before now? I mean Steve’s the only person around with much in the way of expectations. I don’t know you much more than we’ve fought, I’ve helped him look for you, and now this conversation. You could say “call me Stan” and I wouldn’t blink.”

“I’ve used a few aliases, feels more foreign than my own name, actually.” Bucky confessed, putting out the cigarette and tucking it into the pocket of his shirt. “Maybe that means something.”

“It might. Is it just that you don’t have memories to connect you to the name or –?”

“There are times I don’t think I deserve to use his name.” Bucky divulged; reluctance to refer to his former self without the ability to identify fully with him was a struggle. He’d been thinking more and more about it since they returned from the clearing. “He’s ok, after our sparring?”

“Yeah, busted rib should be healed soon enough; you must know a thing or two about that.”

“Hidden blessings.” Bucky looked over at Sam. “Shepherd should be back. Do you want to go look for him? Send Steve? Or do you trust me to go?”

“It’s your call, man. You want to stretch your legs, you go. You don’t mind hanging here, I’ll go.”

“He’s not apt to get lost in the forest is he?” Bucky smirked.

Sam laughed, “I think he’s pretty familiar with the area, I don’t think he’s going to get too lost under his own power.”

Bucky stood and stretched. “I’ll go out after him. I’m less familiar with the route he took because Steve swept that area yesterday. Did you cover that direction? Is there anything I should watch out for?”

“No, that’s the direction we drove in from, the road is wider, more open, but the terrain is level. Tree cover on both sides of the road is a bit dense.”

Bucky gathered the playing cards, putting them in his pocket, and picked up the remnants of the matches and the butt of the cigarette he’d shared with David earlier and took them inside to put into the trash. Steve looked up when Bucky entered the small space “is everything ok?”

“Not sure, Shepherd should have been back from making a sweep of the area. I needed to dump this stuff before I go out looking for him. Sam said you were going to hit the sack.”

“Yeah, I’m about there. If I don’t put this down I never will.”

“Well, then you know what to do. What’s stopping you? Do you need someone to sit guard over you?” it was meant as a tease, but came out in a different tone, ancient and nurturing, shocking Bucky. He scrubbed the back of his neck nervously, “Thank you for doing that for me, by the way.”

“I’d do it any time, Buck. You know that – I mean – I _want_ you to know that. I’d like it if you could come to believe it.”

“Thanks Steve. I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, I’m trying as hard as you are, to make this less – awkward. It’s not working.”

“Then don’t try. Just be yourself or be at ease, is one of those acceptable? I can take anything you throw at me. I’m the one struggling, because I don’t want to impose anything onto you.”

“Perfectly acceptable. Just talk to me like we’re two people. I don’t get a lot of that. If it doesn’t set well, I’ll say so.”

“Deal.” Steve agreed, rising, as he considered heading into the bedroom, “you sure you don’t need someone to come along?”

“One of us is already god-knows-where and when I leave that’s an even half of us gone. Stay here. Sam’s outside keeping an eye out. It’s just a sweep.” Bucky replied, picking up the rifle he’d liberated the day before and loading up on ammo and securing a couple of handguns.

“Just a sweep.” Steve smirked. He tossed Bucky a phone, “My contact is in here, Call if you need backup. Keep it – always call if you need backup.”

“Thanks” Bucky pocketed the phone as he turned to leave.

“The tracking on it is not enabled. You’ll have to tell me where you are if you do need help.” Steve offered.

“Or I could just enable it.” Bucky smiled a half smile as he ducked out the door. “Get some sleep.” He called out over his shoulder.

It was nice of him to give Bucky that option, and to let him know he did so under the guise of the current situation. Even if his memories weren’t pulling him toward something in this guy, Bucky thought he could meet Steve Rogers on the street and befriend him. Sam didn’t seem too bad either. Seemed like a guy to grab a beer with. What would that be like? He wondered if the flashes of laughing faces in bars and diners were real, had he been part of a group? He knew historically he had fought with men he was presumably close with but he’d constantly imagined the operation as purely clinical; get the job done and back to – back to what? Debriefing and cryo were only things of Hydra, weren’t they? What would Captain Rogers and his Howling Commandos do after a mission? Was that where the laughing faces in bars came in?

Bucky stopped, his mind had wandered, and he wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings. He looked around and behind him to where he’d come from, regrouped and listened. Instead of branching out like in previous sweeps, he continued to walk down along the side of the road. About a mile away from the cabin, he saw the truck. Knowing their backup was supposed to be coming in, he stepped into the trees to watch, so that he didn’t make any glaring mistakes. God knows, if he could lose track of where he was and slough off what he was supposed to be doing, he needed to pay closer attention.

He cursed when he saw David on the truck. Damned asshole should have come back or called ahead. Bucky stayed along the tree line, trying to curb his anger, he took a few calming breaths as the truck rumbled past. He headed back through the trees toward the cabin, taking the time it took to walk back to redirect his frustration. A confrontation between them in front of David’s men wouldn’t do anything but unravel anything they’d achieved with their talk.

When he got to the site, the men were still lingering around the truck, Sam – Bucky smirked to see it – was giving David a healthy dose of attitude, “you couldn’t have called ahead? You do know that when a team sets a basic rule, you’re out X amount of time, you don’t come back someone has to go looking for your ass? That has to be respected.”

Bucky was heartened even further to see some of his men nodding, agreeing that maybe this was stupid.

“Look Bucky, they’re back.” Sam said, his tone dripping sarcasm.

“Yeah.” Bucky ran fingers through his hair, “I saw the truck. Saw Shepherd on the truck. Nice to know you’re still alive man.” His tone was blatant feigned disinterest and Sam laughed as Bucky walked past them all into the cabin. He set his rifle down on top of his bag and peered into the bedroom to see that Steve did appear to be sleeping. He pulled the door shut and set a chair in front of the door. Retrieving his notebook from the side-pocket of the bag, he sat in the chair, writing down the thoughts that had distracted him from his mission just an hour before.

When people came inside, all boots-and-voices, he shot David and Sam a hard look with a finger to his lips. Sam – completely on board – nodded and hushed the rest with a polite, “let’s keep the noise to a minimum.”

Bucky went back to his writing with a silent nod of thanks to Sam and listened as everyone talked in muted voices about what had been and was going to be happening. He gathered they’d done a cursory sweep of the outer reaches of the city, the power would be cut, and they would be going in. All indications suggested Unity Hall was the focus, but there was a smaller team headed to Altar Mansion to secure the royal residency and to look for survivors within the royal family.

Bucky had kept his nose in his notebook when anyone glanced his way but at one point he’d looked up to grasp at a memory and the four men who’d come in all looked at him with varying emotions. In one face, what he saw, he was sure was mistrust much like that in David’s face that first time; there also seemed a reverence and other equally difficult to pin down reactions from the other three. Some men, it appears, respected Major Jack Benjamin.

“Fellas.” He smirked, waving his shiny metal hand at them, “I’m not him. It’s just a cruel trick of fate.”

“Men, Sergeant Barnes is here working with Captain Rogers against Hydra.” Sam announced by way of introduction. Bucky was pleased that “helping” or “joining our fight” didn’t seem to even enter his mind. Although he would probably allow to private parties – Sam and Steve – that, yes, he was helping too.

 - - - - -

Steve had gone into the bedroom, mostly to appease the mother hens. Sam wasn't usually like this but since the whirlwind of finding Jack, and through him, finding Bucky, he had admitted to Sam his utter lack of sleep. He figured that was probably Sam’s motivation. Then there was Bucky, who either (out of some sense of honor) was trying to repay a favor, or (dare he hope), some visceral memory from ages ago?

He hadn't been expecting to actually fall asleep, so waking up was a surprise. He heard hushed voices and muffled footsteps. Neither seemed to carry any sense of urgency, so Bucky had either found David or in some other way, the group had amassed.

Yawning as he stretched the dregs of sleep away, Steve rose and crossed the small bedroom. He opened the door to find Bucky sitting at attention in one of the wooden, ladder-back chairs, facing the outer room, guarding the door. Steve cleared his throat to get his attention and Bucky angled to look over his shoulder.

"Permission to pass?" Steve smirked. Bucky rubbed his chin in consideration before standing and moving the chair with a flourish. Steve stifled a laugh with a tilt of his head and a smile. Every real thing that was "Bucky" was a gift he'd keep. Call him a sap or whatever but at a century old, he could surpass his true age of thirty something and give in to flights of fancy every once in a while. No one was more entitled than he was, except for Bucky, of course.

With a gesture he caught Sam's attention and with a tilt of his head, he asked Bucky to join him outside. Sam nodded, leaving them space. 

"So what did I miss?" Steve asked as Bucky lit the last of his remaining cigarette as they stood a few feet from the door alongside the cabin.

Bucky paused, taking a drag before leaning against the wall of the cabin and answering. "Shepherd met up with his men on his sweep. Didn't think to call, Sam gave him shit for that. He seemed appropriately chastised, especially when his men sided with Sam." Bucky took another puff and lowered his hand, he then looked askance at Steve when he deftly swiped the smoke from his fingers and took a hit.

"What? Fuck you." Steve grinned, handing the cigarette back, "I don't always gotta keep up appearances."

"Can't even say please? I know your mother taught you manners."

“That she did.” Steve smiled wistfully. “So long ago, feels like yesterday.”

“Do you ever feel the length of the years? Sometimes time feels so fractured, or is that just because of what those fuckers did to me?”

“Oh, Buck, I’ve definitely felt the decades, I imagine it’s so much more so for you.”

“It’s not about more or less, we can’t ever quantify or reconcile the differences, but we both have the shared distinction of being displaced.”

“A helluva feeling.” Steve raked fingers of his free hand through his hair, “thanks for earlier. I hope you weren’t inconvenienced.”

“What? Inside? Nah, just taking notes. Shit! Shit, how did I forget that?"

"What Buck?" Steve stood at attention, ready for a fight, it appeared.

"Goddamned bastards left my pack behind with all my notes, all my fucking –” he scrubbed his hands down his face.

“Memories?” Steve asked tentatively, “Maybe we can go look for it, after –” he offered, handing the smoldering cigarette back.

“That would be impractical.” Bucky took a final drag and let the cigarette hang from his lips. "I guess I'll just have to start over."

“How important is that bag?” was all Steve asked.

“Depends on who you are.” Bucky snubbed out the cigarette, palming it until he could discard it. “It’s  goddamned important to me. It’s my life.”

“Then we’ll look for it. Are you sure it got left behind and they didn’t grab it up?”

“I guess I can’t be 100% sure of anything,” Bucky thought back to his mistake. He’d been doing pretty well, keeping a low profile. Then out of nowhere he’d been made at the port and managed to duck away. Convinced he’d lost the tail, he made camp on the river in the woods. He’d found a mound of twigs and branches that wound up being an abandoned beaver lodge. The dam had burst and the water had drained. The ground was frozen but he’d suffered colder. He found the opening and though it was tight, he managed to pull himself inside to shelter from the cold. He’d situated his bag as a pillow and huddled into his coat for warmth. He just happened to be outside for nature’s call when he had been ambushed, taken down with an electrical jolt that had rendered his arm useless, “I was pretty foggy when they dragged me away from my shelter. I’m convinced it was left behind. It should be inside an abandoned beaver lodge. Unless they dragged it out after they took me down. Either way, it would be good to have it back.”

“We can start with the map, show me where you were. I know that David’s had men sweeping the area for the last couple of weeks. If any of them were around there recently, maybe someone found something. It’s a small diversion in the topic of discussion that really doesn’t take anyone away from anything pressing.”

“You don’t have to do this.” Bucky protested. “We have a mission to complete.”

“What’s the harm in a few questions? It won’t jeopardize the mission. We’re going in there, we’re going to rehash everything we’ve already discussed because we now have everyone in one place, and once everyone is on the same page, I’ll ask if anyone’s been in the area where you were captured. If they haven’t seen it, we’ll wait until this is done but then we can go looking. Bottom line, we might get some answers.”

“Thanks.” Bucky said quietly.

“You have to know that’s the least I can do, Buck. It’s my fault it’s come to that.”

“How do you figure?”

“I couldn’t stop any of this from happening. The one thing we were fighting to change and I couldn’t even stop them. I let you fall; I failed to bring Hydra to an end. I can’t fix it, but we’ll damned sure get your bag back.”

“It seems like you’re trying to own way too much responsibility for what happened. You didn’t _let_ me fall – that was out of both of our control. I read that you did everything you could to end Hydra. Seems that was out of your control as well. You did crash a plane into the arctic didn’t you? Or was that made up?”

“How else would I be here right now?”

“Sheer fury and determination.” Bucky scoffed and Steve laughed. “I remember that much. Stop worrying about things out of your control. Only bitterness lives down that road.”

“Thanks Buck. It means a lot coming from you.”

“But you’re still not going to stop are you.”

“I’ll always own a piece of what happened.”

“Stupid.” Bucky kicked away from the wall, “ready to go back inside?”

“Yeah, sun’s starting to sink – we’ll be headed out not too long from now. Anything you need?”

“Pretty sure I’m set, weapons and ammo, clothes that fit – thank you – and the arm is good as new – thanks for that too. Unless you’ve got a knife or two handy?”

“You’re welcome and yeah, there’re knives available. Could probably locate another pack of smokes too, if you’re so inclined.”

“Nah, those two were fine – just nervous energy.”

Steve followed Bucky inside and everyone looked their way. Steve stood next to Bucky at the table and rehashed the plan and assigned detail. Sam was going to go to Alder Mansion with two of David’s men, Sergeants Scott and Matthews. David and the other two men, Lieutenant Charles and Corporal Donaldson would be going to Unity Hall with Steve and Bucky. True to his word, Steve asked Bucky to show the men, on the map, the spot he’d been camped in when he’d been captured.

“Yeah, we were up there following a trail,” the eldest officer, Lieutenant Charles, replied, “weekend before last.”

“Did you find anything there?” Steve asked.

"Didn’t find much there. Some of the younger guys got little crazy and kicked the hell out of a collapsed beaver lodge.”

“What else did you find?” Steve looked at the lieutenant. He got a curious glance in return, “You said you didn’t find _much_. Did you find more than just a pile of sticks and twigs?”

“It was obvious someone had been there, there were multiple sets of footprints, and a knife was discovered in the brush not far from the lodge, the boys found a bag in the rubble. Some knapsack full of mostly notebooks and some other stuff.”

“You still have the bag _and the stuff_?” Steve could feel the energy radiating off Bucky, and even he, himself was straining to remain calm.

“Hell yeah,” Charles, said – “Donaldson, go get the bag, we were bringing it to the Captain here.” He indicated David. “I figured it might contain information about these assholes who have taken over our government.”

Steve looked at Bucky, who was holding tenuously onto his temper, he put a gentle and on Bucky’s left forearm. “David, I believe the bag – and maybe the knife – but I don’t know for sure on that. I believe the bag is Bucky’s. Anything you’ll find in that bag on Hydra he can tell you himself.”

The soldier called Donaldson returned with Bucky’s bag and if it weren’t for Steve’s firm hand, Bucky looked like he might have lunged for it. Steve gave Bucky a reassuring glance.

“Donaldson, give the bag to Sergeant Barnes – those are his belongings.” David ordered.

“Thank you.” Bucky said in a low, gruff voice as he forced himself to take the bag graciously, and only just resisted clutching it possessively.

“I trust everything is still in the bag?” Steve challenged the group.

“Yes sir. As far as my men were concerned, the contents were Captain Shepherd’s business. I’m just glad it wasn’t any of those thugs’ property.” Charles responded.

Bucky placed the backpack on top of his duffel bag and gave it a cursory inspection before closing it up, and gathering the weapons he was going to be taking with him. Steve stepped up beside him, “Everything in order? Will these do?” he handed Bucky two knives.

Bucky inspected the blades before tucking the backup in his boot and securing the combat knife where he could easily access it. “They’ll more than do. So, Sam’s on team two – you babysitting me Rogers?”

“Nope. He’s babysitting _them_.” Steve pointed a thumb toward Scott and Matthews. “I think there’s going to be very little to find at Alder and with the wings, Sam can get to Unity Hall quickly enough if you and I need backup. I want you with me where we know Hydra will be. If you drew the shit detail you’d kill me.”

“True.” Bucky smirked. “So when this is over, you got room for one more? I mean if we survive and all?”

“Let’s survive first.” Steve said, trying not to sound excited and eager over the offer to return with them. “See if you still feel the same.”

Sam came up to Steve’s open shoulder “On your left.” He winked, “we good with the plans? How much leeway do you think we have if we’re not in place when the lights are cut?”

“That would mess things up a little but we could rally. Let’s not let that happen though. I’d rather have as much control over things as we can get. I wish we’d had that remote gear and could have just had them set charges and leave.”

“Well, I told you to involve a few extra people here.” Sam said with a feigned long-suffering sigh.

“Sam, tell me you didn’t encourage him to bring in the Avengers?” Bucky was only half-teasing.

“I might have mentioned it. At least some extra tech.” Sam chuckled, “The tech would have been nice – but he’d probably have to steal it, or tell them why he needed it.”

“He’d have stolen it. With little remorse.” Bucky laughed. “Wouldn’t even own up to it in confession, would ya?”

“OK I think the question was can we do this if we’re not in place – let’s get rolling so we don’t have that problem.” Steve ordered, with just a touch of mockery in his tone.

“Waiting for you, Cap.” Sam and Bucky said in unison, both laughing when Steve rolled his eyes.

Steve turned around, “Ok, let’s load up.”

Once in the trucks and rolling out, Donaldson looked at Bucky, “sir? What was so important in the bag, if I might ask?”

Steve thought about how brave or stupid the kid was, but Bucky’s reply was kind, “all of the things that Hydra took from me that I’ve found so far.”

“I see. Sir? I’m glad you got your belongings back. Those bastards ain’t gonna stand a chance.”

“You’ve seen battle before, haven’t you corporal?” it was a hopeful question, Steve had said these men were proven to Shepherd, but the corporal didn’t appear battle-hardened.

“Yes sir. Served under Major Benjamin.” Donaldson’s response was respectful, proud.

“How did that go?” Earlier, Bucky had thought this man’s response to his face was respectful, if not quite reverent.

“Sir? Oh Major Benjamin was a good soldier, sir. He was fair and a good commander.”

“I’m not Major Benjamin, just so you know. I’m not fair, I’m suspicious, and Cap there’s the commander.”

“Yes sir, I understand, sir. You’re from America?” curious little bastard, Bucky thought

“By way of Germany and Russia, yeah, I started out in America.”

“Corporal,” Steve looked back, “How do you fare with hand-to-hand combat, both armed and unarmed?”

“Sir, I’m highly skilled in many forms of martial arts and practical fighting. My knife work is world class, sir, I mean I have awards from competitions and – well, I _have_ had a few kills.”

“Corporal Donaldson has been a corporal for too long, he should be moving up the ranks but with the situation the way it is, his promotion must be backlogged.” Lieutenant Charles said from behind Steve.

“I just want to remind you all that you will come face to face with men you’ve fought alongside. Some of these men you’re going to be fighting you might have called friend. They are not your friends. These are people who _chose_ to serve Hydra.” Steve resisted looking at Bucky, not wanting to imply anything because his situation was so different, instead watching the terrain ahead. “They will not give you a second chance. You need to be ready to act in the same manner.

“If your king lives, you will keep him alive until Captain Shepherd can determine whether or not he’s with them. That is the only exception.”

In the other truck, Sam was giving essentially the same speech to bewildered faces. They’d all imagined Hydra as faceless, mask-wearing bodies and didn’t think too hard on the suggestion that they could be their brothers in arms. “Hydra infiltrates from within. The best way to do that is to corrupt the people already in positions required to do their work. You men were chosen personally by Captain Shepherd so you’re a trusted few. Trust can be betrayed, if any of you are discovered to be Hydra agents, you will not be given a second chance. Just like the people we encounter tonight will not be getting second chances.”

They arrived at the outermost part of the city at the darkest part of night; everyone abandoned their vehicles and started weaving between buildings, skirting the armored vehicles that stood vigil on every street, toward their destinations. David was relieved to see that several buildings that were typically well lit had only half of their normal lights lit; he was pleased to note that the message had been received in these buildings. Half the light gave them more cover of darkness but didn’t alert anyone to anything amiss. Steve’s team managed to encounter and dispatch several sentries, and Sam’s team had the good fortune to evade any contact at all.

As planned, when the teams reported their proximity to Alder Mansion and Unity Hall, the lights went out, blackening the city. If they’d have had the luxury to plan this ahead of time they couldn’t have chosen better, they were blessed by the lunar calendar with a new moon, making the sky even darker.

At Unity Hall, David led them through the secret passage and once inside they split off, with Charles and Donaldson going up to sweep through the ministers’ offices with orders to meet them at the King’s Court Room once the offices were secure. The rest headed straight there, where reports had shown was still the preferred gathering place, and further reports indicated that nightly meetings here were standard.

The darkness in the room was broken up by a mix of candlelight and some hydra technology, spotlighting the key individuals. Bucky grinned as he entered the room stealthily and heard the voice of the man who’d taken the position of power, he recognized it from his first days in Gehenna. He looked at Steve with a predatory glare. When he didn’t get a go-ahead or a refusal, he lifted his silenced sidearm and fired a single shot.

The man slumped in his seat, knocking over a candelabrum. Candles sputtered with the exception of a few, which lit the fabric of the man’s suit as they fell. Panic set in as the men closest to their fallen leader started trying to put out the flames that had jumped onto their clothing. Heads turned frantically looking for the shooter. David, Steve, and Bucky wound through the chaos camouflaged in their dark suits-and-ties. David took a calculated shot followed by another. As Bucky fired connecting shots with a dark pleasure, ticking off each day in captivity, each panic attack, every moment of weakness and darkness with each bullet that connected, he had to force himself to recognize Steve and Shepherd, Charles and Donaldson.

The rapid pops rallied the remaining, previously stunned agents and they converged on Steve and David. David fought both with fists and pistol fire, and Bucky angled his body through the crush of agents to cover Steve who admittedly felt exposed without his shield, but was managing to hold his own. Steve pulled his weapon, finally fed up with fighting just for the sake of fighting. He saw Bucky dragged to his knees with his arm once again disabled by an electronic pulse and tapped into the rage that overcame him. He kicked and punched through the men between him and Bucky’s captor then leveled his weapon. “Let him up.” He warned.

Bucky scowled at Steve, not for giving the man a second chance, he’d fully expected him to at least give the man options. The glower was for Steve endangering himself by calling the attention of everyone left standing onto him. Steve shrugged in response to Bucky’s raised eyebrow and judging look. “I said. Let. Him. Up.”

The man yanked on the short length of hair at the back of Bucky’s head, exposing his throat. He made a show of placing his knife along Bucky’s jaw, nicking him in several places. The trickle of blood was all it took to coerce Steve to squeeze the trigger. Steve and David looked at the man, and the hole in his forehead. Steve watched him as he sank to the floor, falling across Bucky’s calves and booted feet while his knife clattered to the floor in front of Bucky.

Men had stopped to gawk at the exchange but now they descended upon Steve, and Bucky rushed into the fray with the knife in his good hand. Moments later, Sam burst through the door, assessing the situation. He fired on the outer circle of men before pausing to reassess. Donaldson and Charles entered through one set of side doors while Scott and Matthews appeared through the other set and slipped into the fight.

Bucky and David fought against a group of the men who surrounded Steve who was making short work of a smaller group of three men who fought with murderous intent. The sounds of groans and grunts joined the sickening charred flesh scent that filled the air and small fires burned as candles were toppled onto the fallen, while the hand to hand combat continued.

True to his word, Donaldson fought through several men with admirable knife skills, not hesitating to finish the deal. An agent made the mistake of coiling his arm around Steve’s throat; the man’s error in judgment garnered him Donaldson’s knife through his own throat. The man’s blood sprayed Donaldson, Steve and David as he collapsed. Steve wiped his hand across his face, smearing the blood and clearing his vision, he couldn’t see Bucky. He whirled, searching, not knowing the last position Bucky had held. He surveyed the room; David’s men and Sam were dispatching the dregs of the broken group when Sam pointed at a pile of bodies with a sad look.

“Bucky!” Steve called out, seeing the shimmer of his metal arm in the tangle of bodies. With an untapped fury, he yanked the bodies off from his friend and sank to his knees when he saw the knife jutting out of Bucky’s back. He swallowed hard as he gently moved Bucky. His choked breaths stalled as he checked the wound area, Bucky’s back rose and fell with his breaths, and the knife was buried in the meat of his right shoulder. Steve was relieved that the wound shouldn’t be fatal. He supported Bucky in his lap, checking the rest of his body for wounds. Bucky tried to shove him away but found both arms disobeyed him vehemently. “Stop it, punk.” His voice was gravelly and he remembered the chokehold that took him down.

“Oh my god.” Steve exhaled in a rush. “Thank god.”

“Don’t get too thankful, I’m out Steve. I won’t be any use out there. Come back and get me when you clear this plague from the rest of the city. You have to leave me here – I’ll lay low, I don’t even have one useful arm.”

“We can fix that. It’s the same as before, yes?” he waved Sam over, “It won’t take as long; I know what I’m doing now.”

Seeing that the majority of the threat was in hand, Sam crossed the room and handed Steve the kit and briefly looked at Bucky’s wound, as he barked orders at the other men, “You two, cover us. The rest of you – as we discussed.” he nodded as Shepherd, Sergeant Scott and Lieutenant Charles left the room and he unceremoniously yanked the knife from Bucky’s back. “That wasn’t so bad, right?”

Bucky cursed in multiple languages as Sam smirked at his own trickiness. Sam proceeded to administer first aid, first injecting the wound site with a hypospray of anesthetic, then patching the wound and making a note to check it later - even though he was sure there wasn't much to worry about. “Move your fingers.” He ordered. Bucky complied. “You’ll live.”

“We’re not leaving you here. Damn, I wish I had more light.”

“Slow down.” Bucky said with a low voice. “If we have a minute, we have a minute. Donaldson – can you bring us one of those lanterns?”

“Yes sir.” The corporal scrambled over bodies to grab the nearest hydra lamp and brought it to Bucky’s left.

“You saved Steve. Someone had better give you a helluva promotion.” Bucky said casually, watching the young man blush.

“I was just doin’ my job, sir.”

“No.” Bucky said softly, “You were doing my job. Thank you.”

“You’re delirious, Buck. We’re a team. You’re not supposed to take a hit for me.”

“Yeah? You weren’t supposed to do whatever that was you did back there. You should have let them do what they were going to do; you almost jeopardized the whole operation.”

“Let’s just agree to disagree.” Steve dismissed him – “am I making any headway here?”

Bucky moved his fingers, balled them into a fist, and punched a hole in the floor for good measure. “Yeah, looks right, don’t ever do that again.”

“What’s the status Sam?” Steve ignored Bucky’s outrage.

“The rest of the men have secured the streets, bodies are being taken to the prison until they can be processed. We found something at Alder that Shepherd needs to see and assess.” Sam looked around, confirming that Shepherd was still out of the room, “It appears to be Jack’s parents, Steve. They have been dead a while.”

Bucky looked up at the softening of Sam’s voice and gauged Steve’s reaction, knowing it wouldn’t be as flippant as his cocky dealings from a few minutes ago.

“I won’t call him until it’s confirmed, it doesn’t matter how he was treated, those were his parents, and we shouldn’t stress him out unnecessarily.”

“Feels pretty hollow, doesn’t it?” Sam asked, standing between Steve and Bucky.

“That it does. The people will feel safer in the morning.” Bucky offered. “That’s what we should focus on.”

Several new soldiers of Shepherd’s came in and started issuing orders to remove the bodies, two of the soldiers stood with fire extinguishers, putting out flames that danced, burning the clothes and flesh of some of the bodies as well as putting out larger fires that had caught and engulfed the large table and some of the chairs.

“I need to get out of here.” Bucky breathed, gagging on the stench and making haste for the door. Steve hurried after him, not yet willing to trust that he was sticking around. He followed on soft, unhurried footsteps as Bucky wound his way through the hall and out the side door. “Sorry.” He heard as he stepped outside.

Steve set the lantern he’d carried with him down and when he looked up; Bucky’s pale eyes were glassy and shimmering. “No need to apologize Buck. That was – well, that was hell.”

“I’ve seen worse. Hell, I’ve done worse.” He leaned against the cool stone of the building.

“Yeah, you wanna go over how that was your idea and you helped plan any of it?” Steve stood facing him, uncharacteristically slouched with his hands in the pockets of the suit trousers.

“Doesn’t erase the fact that I did.” Bucky’s eyes were closed, his features etched with pain.

“No, of course it doesn’t. I guess I’m a pretty big screw-up huh?” Steve asked, hoping that referring to the actions Bucky clearly didn’t agree he should have made might steer the mood into a new direction.

“Nah, shoulda known you’d do exactly that.” Bucky pushed away from the wall and crossed the space to the rail of the balcony, “Stupid, Steve.”

“Yeah, I know – nobody can really get the true measure of either of our intellect when they look at the things we’ll risk for one another.” Steve stepped up next to Bucky at the rail, the sky was starting to lighten on the horizon.

“So this isn’t a new thing for you?” Bucky asked, genuinely curious.

“Nope. Neither of us is new to this. There was a time, back in the war, when you wouldn’t leave a burning-exploding building without me.”

“Zola and Schmidt.” Bucky spat the names.

“Yeah. Then there was you trying to defend me on that train.”

“That didn’t quite go to plan.” Bucky said with a trace of familiar humor in his voice.

“Oh my god Bucky.” Steve reluctantly laughed, fighting tears. “So, I’ve got something else I need to do here before we call it mission accomplished. Have you decided if you’re coming with us, or will you have a need to use your forgery skills? I can buy you some time – and get you wherever you want to wind up.”

“I want to go home, or to try to anyhow.”

“So… I’m a difficult SOB, but I have a spare room, if you’d like – you know, until things get squared away.”

Bucky looked at Steve, considering what was being said.

“I mean it, Buck. You’re welcome for as long as you need. Hell, the door’s always open.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“Because you’re stubborn? I don’t have any way to make it up to you.”

“Oh jesus, serious Buck? After as many times as you’ve pulled my ass out of the fire? I’m just beginning to make things up to you.”

“So this – something else – it’s about Jack? You really didn’t take my advice on him, did you?”

“I told ya, I met the kid. He’s – he’s in a different place now, I’d like to encourage that, so no – I couldn’t just leave him be.”

“Nothing to do with shared features and your never-ending mission to make things up to someone with the same face?”

“I might have been impressed by the resemblance, but once the shock wore off, I've spent numerous hours with the kid, he’s smart. With the right outlet, he can do so much good. Besides, doesn’t matter what he looks like, he just lost his parents. I know how that feels, even if the relationship he had with them is nothing like I’ll ever know – I need to tell him, which means I need to have confirmation.”

“Shepherd” Bucky pushed away from the rail and moved toward the door, “he needs to identify the bodies.”

“Yeah.” Steve followed, “David – I need you to meet me at Alder.” He said into the comm.

“On my way Captain.”


	20. Chapter 20

TJ Called Janie late Saturday night, finally feeling reasonably ready to open up to her. He left Jack sleeping in the bed and stepped out onto the balcony. Huddled in his hoodie, he curled his bare feet under his legs on the chaise.

> “Hey Janes.”
> 
> “TJ is everything ok? Where are you?”
> 
> “Relax. I’m fine – this is an aftermath call. I haven’t been fair to you Janes.”
> 
> “What do you mean? Are you sure you’re ok?”
> 
> “Yeah. About 24 hours ago, not so much. I was in real trouble and I didn’t call you because I didn’t want you to stop me.”
> 
> “Oh TJ.” Her disappointment wrapped around him. “Where the fuck was Jack?”
> 
> “No, it’s not like that. I had a bad moment but Jack was here for me, I had my phone in my hand but I decided while I sat there that I didn’t want you to stop me. Then my phone rang. Jack was looking for me because I wasn’t in bed. It shook me up a little.”
> 
> “How have you been unfair to me TJ? Just one phone call”
> 
> “No, I haven’t been as open with you since Jack. I’ve been feeling a little resentful when it comes to your questions about Jack and me so I have kept things from you because I didn’t want to hear any more. I didn’t want every screw up to be followed by “where the fuck was Jack” if you want to know the truth.”
> 
> “And I just said that didn’t I?”
> 
> “You did. I know we’re both fucked up Janie. But he was so brilliant. You’ll probably shit if I tell you how he handled things but it worked, Janie.”
> 
> “OK, so I’m not going to love his approach… give it to me.”
> 
> “He made me choose on my own. Watched me juggle the coke between my fingers and said whatever happened, he was there for me but I had to make my choice on my own.”
> 
> “Sounds dangerous, but he was right. You have to be the final decision maker. You can’t let others choose for you. What would you have done if he hadn’t been there?”
> 
> “I was leaning hard on doing it Janie. I was ready to blow it all.” TJ scrubbed at his eyes, “I really was going to fuck everything up.”
> 
> “Why?”
> 
> “Anxiety, fear, a nightmare, pressure. I haven’t been living honestly and I think it finally hit me. I love Jack, Janie but I’m terrified. He could leave me if he gets cleared. I’ve been wrapping myself up in him in case I lose him. I know I should talk to my therapist about it but how many people are going to tell me he’s no good for me? I don’t want to hear it, I know better.”
> 
> “TJ. I have never told you he’s no good for you. I’ve told you you’re both broken right now and healing. You just need to be careful of one another. He did a good thing and it had to be hard for him to watch you struggle. How is he holding up?”
> 
> “It’s just like you to zero in on things. He’s been exhausted. I made him sit up through the night for me and then proceeded to keep him awake most of the day. I hadn’t even thought to ask how he was holding up.”
> 
> “He’s asleep now, I hope?”
> 
> “Yeah, passed out after a gourmet dinner. This weekend hasn’t been quite what I had expected it to be. I think we’ll stay til Monday. I’d like to make up to him tomorrow for the craziness of today.”
> 
> “How are you now TJ?”
> 
> “I honestly feel a lot better. I’m tired but I needed to get this call done. I’m sorry for shutting you out, Janie.”
> 
> “It happens, sweetheart. Are you safe?”
> 
> “I’m safe.” TJ smiled. “There’s nothing else here _that I know of_. I think when I leave I’m going to have them do a detailed search and clean. God knows what goes on around here when we’re not in residence.”
> 
> “Good idea. Don’t forget Jack went through hell to help you, watching you couldn’t have been easy, take care of him. And call me if you need me. I promise no judgment.”
> 
> “Will do sweetheart. Thanks for understanding, Janes. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.”
> 
> “Of course you did – because we’re all human. But I get it. We’re good sweetie.”
> 
> “Are you? Are you good Janie? I never ask.”
> 
> “Oh, you – of course I’m good. It has been lonely with you two out of the house, but I kind of remember what to do with myself. I’m not ready for Monday. Please tell me I still have a day between now and Monday.”
> 
> “You do. Are you sure you want to go into DCFS? You might lose your weekends!”
> 
> “I know, and the stress? What am I thinking?! But yes, there are kids that need help, and I’m finally qualified to do that. Credentialed I should say.”
> 
> “You’ve been qualified for at least 18 months.” TJ teased. “Chasing all my demons away.”
> 
> “You did that, I was just a voice in the darkness. I can’t believe how much you’ve crawled into my heart TJ.”
> 
> “I love you too, Janie. Go to bed.”
> 
> “You too. See you Monday. Do you think you can make an NA meeting?”
> 
> “I’ll be there. I’ve skipped out one too many times this last week.”
> 
> “That you have. Good night TJ.”

TJ uncurled from his spot and listened to the sound of his bare feet on the floor as he made his way back to the bed. He climbed back into his empty space and smiled when Jack looked at him “Sorry if I woke you.”

“You ok?” Jack asked sleepily, “need anything?”

“I’m fine, finally managed to call Janie and apologize for being a dickhead. She’s too forgiving.”

“She adores you TJ. Of course she’ll forgive you.”

“Jack?”

“Mhmm.”

“How are you holding up after last night? Be honest, please?”

“I’m ok.”

“But?” TJ prodded, “There’s a ‘but’ there Jack. There’s been something you haven’t been telling me, isn’t there.”

“It’s my baggage, TJ.”

“I’m asking. You more than carried my baggage today. Talk to me?”

“Ok, so I’m a little freaked out by last night. I’m not the best person, I have done some shitty things, but did I make the right call? Things turned out ok but was I helping you or watching you suffer?”

“Was there ever any idea to just watch me “suffer”? What you did was incredible and difficult.”

Jack shifted to a seated position, “That’s not even the worst part, TJ. I’ve been keeping something from you since last night because I didn’t want to throw that on top of everything.” Jack paused and TJ’s reassuring look encouraged him, “You know I could have just assumed you’d gone into another room to sleep, even had that thought when your phone rang from the far bedroom.”

“So, that’s a normal thought, it’s fine. You changed your mind though, because –”

“I didn’t come looking for you because you’re an addict and might be slipping, I did it because I needed proof. I needed proof that you were still here and hadn’t ditched me in your family’s penthouse to become your father’s pet project. I needed to know that you hadn’t listened to Janie telling you we’re not healthy for each other.”

“Wow. Ok. So, first thing, I’m not going to just ditch you. Thanks for the faith. Second, I can’t believe you haven’t heard the number of times I’ve told Janie off about that. I’m going to try not to be offended.” TJ sat roughly against the headboard. After a moment, he slid his hand over Jack’s. “Thank you for being honest. I’m constantly terrified that you’re going to find your freedom and leave me, so I know the feeling. I’m sorry about that, I reacted badly. That was uncalled for.”

“We’re quite the piece of work. I think as soon as we can both be productive and work, I can feel less needy, maybe the time we’ll be spending away from each other getting our work done will be good for us.”

“Normal?” TJ chuckled.

“As close to it as two people like us can hope for.” Jack squeezed TJ’s hand, “I do love you TJ. I’m not getting out.”

“I’m not ditching you.” TJ smiled softly, “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

“Good. So, what are you going to tell that Oakson guy?”

“I’m going to meet my attorneys Monday. I’ll go over the offer with them, you know a bit about business negotiations, right?”

“Yeah, one of my many untapped skills.” Jack smirked. “Why?”

“Would you be willing to tag along to give me some advice – I trust the attorneys, don’t get me wrong, but anyone I know with business savvy is also in a circle I’d rather not reach out to, especially after last night, or is related to me, taking them instantly out of the equation.”

“I’d be happy to help if I can. How do you feel about the offer going in?”

“I’m too excited about it. It feels like one of those “too good to be true” moments. Which is why having your input would be a relief. I’m trying to resist making any “classic TJ” moves this time. I won’t blow this.”

“Well, your attorneys will have already reviewed and partially negotiated changes to the offer and will present it to you in basic terms. They’re going to point out all of the sticking points that mean something to you – things that could affect your creative license or your future ventures. These are entertainment lawyers so they’ve got a good mind for this. I can tell you what sounds like it might be good or bad; I’m not too savvy on the entertainment business, but I’m willing to bet business is business.”

“Just having your input will be a relief.”

“Don’t sign tomorrow. Take the paperwork with you and we’ll review it together again so that you can see what details you didn’t hear about. We can make notes and ask questions and really fix this up. If it fits your needs, you’ll be employed as a songwriter. Have you ever thought of recording your own music? I’ve heard you sing. It’s very alluring.”

TJ rested his head on Jack’s shoulder, “I hadn’t considered singing. That would be stupid. Nobody would ever buy that – I should just threaten to sing and charge people to stop me.”

“TJ, I’ve heard you sing. You’re underselling your talent. However, if it’s not your thing, don’t do it… except… maybe for me?”

“Maybe.” TJ laughed as Jack’s phone rang. “Hmm, our boyfriends are calling.”

“Cut that out, you deviant.” Jack grabbed for his phone, only to have his hands swatted away. “TJ! You rotten –”

“Oh here,” TJ smirked, handing him his phone.

> “Hello,” Jack stifled a laugh, nudging TJ’s shoulder as he put the phone on speaker.
> 
> “Jack, it’s Steve.”
> 
> “Hi Steve, were you able to –”
> 
> “Jack, we found your parents.” Steve interrupted, forging ahead with the news.
> 
> “How –” Jack’s voice caught, he gripped TJ’s hand tightly, fear and dread warring, “how are they?” he forced himself to say.
> 
> “I’m sorry, Jack. They didn’t make it.”
> 
> “You can’t -  I mean, they –“ The lump in Jack’s throat threatened to go one of two ways, either choke the life from him or let loose what was once his dinner. Tears welled in his eyes and he was still fighting emotions of relief and grief. “Are you sure?”
> 
> “I’m sure, David’s here and he identified the bodies. He wants to spare Michelle but she’s demanding to confirm for herself.”
> 
> “Where is she, I’ll talk to her. She can’t see that Steve, whatever those people did to them, she can’t see. She loved them.” Jack wept.
> 
> “I will keep her away. David will too.”
> 
> “Thanks, Steve. Oh, did you find your friend?” Jack’s tears still fell, but he wasn’t going to give them the power any more.
> 
> “Yes, thanks to your help – I want to thank you again, I know it wasn’t always easy.”
> 
> “Did you get the bastards?”
> 
> Jack was sure he heard the smile as Steve answered “Yeah, yeah we did. I’ll see you in a few days and I’ll have the list of casualties – in case you need to know.”
> 
> “I do. Thanks. Will you have Michelle call me? She might need to talk to me.” In all honesty, he needed to talk to her.
> 
> “She should be arriving in the next 15 to 20 minutes; I’ll call back as soon as she’s able.”
> 
> “Thank you for everything – for doing what I couldn’t, and for not judging me for that.”
> 
> “You’re welcome Jack, you did so much to help. I’m sorry for your loss.”

TJ was ready for anything when the call ended, not knowing what reaction to expect, when Jack tossed the phone across the bed and wrapped his arms around TJ tightly, all he had to do was reciprocate. He held Jack’s head as he wept into his chest, soaking his t-shirt.

When Jack could finally speak, he looked up at TJ with bleary, reddened eyes. “You thought you blew the weekend?” he said morosely.

“Oh honey. This stupid penthouse apartment is here any time. Nobody ruined anything. I’m so sorry about your parents.”

“Thank you TJ, I don’t know how to react. I wanted to be free, have wished for his death – I actually saved his fucking life after colluding to have him killed – you deserve better than me TJ.”

“We’ve been over that. What you’ve done and what you’ve become are not the same.”

“They’re gone TJ. My parents – I can’t even.” Jack slid back into tears.

“I know baby, you loved them through it all. You wouldn’t have tried so hard if you didn’t. It’s ok to mourn them. I’m so sorry.” The pain TJ felt for Jack’s loss made him start to think hard about his own flawed relationships. It was time to be the adult in the family and step up. “They loved you too sweetheart. In the only way they knew how. I wish they could have truly known you.”

Jack pulled away and walked to the balcony door, then turned, expectantly. TJ followed, grabbing the comforter and dragging it behind him. They sat together on the wide chaise under cover of down and looked for the stars.

“Thank you for what you said TJ. I’m going to imagine it’s even true.”

“I have faith that it is. I know a little of what it’s like to have flawed and destructive parents. Doesn’t mean they don’t love me. They just have a difficult time with consistency. I’m sure you can pull out memories of them telling and showing you that they did love you. Hold onto those and don’t let any of the other ones in.”

“Sounds idyllic. Wonder if they deserve that?”

“ **You** deserve it. You deserve peace.”

“You want to call your family now, don’t you?”

“I will. How are you in my head?”

“You’re being nostalgic and forgiving. You can call them you know. It won’t bother me.”

“Yeah, but it’s 3 am. They might not be as nonchalant about it.”

“You should call your dad. He should know.”

“Jack, don’t worry so much.” TJ kissed Jack’s temple, “I’ll tell him in the actual morning. He probably won’t have any way to get anything done on your case until Monday. I’m not avoiding calling my family because of you. I’m thinking about calling them because of you. I just want to wait until morning. I know the ideal times to get through to both president mom and former president dad, and 3 am isn’t it. I’ll just spark a firestorm of worry if they see my contact on their phones before the sun is up. Let me just be with you.”

“Fine, if you’re sure.”

“You know I’m sure. Now hush about them. Tell me something else.”

“I won’t be able to travel – for their services.”

“You’d think the President would have to either attend or send an emissary in her place for something like that. I wonder if I could get some strings pulled.”

“You’re contemplating what, exactly?”

“Telling my mother about you. Seeing if there’s anything that can be done to get you to your parents’ services.”

“Don’t do it just for me, if you’re not ready to deal with that shit, you shouldn’t have to.”

“Jack,” TJ turned to look at him, heart breaking for the pain he saw, “you lost your family. I can put aside my temper tantrum for you. Mind you, you’re going to have to be there with me which puts you under scrutiny.”

“I guess there’s no arguing with you on this?”

“No. None. I mean you can, if you don’t want to try to go to the services. You could meet your nephew… I’ll have to see if she can get away, I don’t know _how_ we’d get you past security… unless you were to walk in as me… that’s just so sophomoric.”

“It’s practically how we met.” Jack twined his fingers with TJ’s. “The longest, best and worst week of my life.”

“I’m sorry for the bad parts. Especially the ones I contributed to.”

“TJ you contributed more to the best parts than you can even know, don’t ever apologize for having your own struggles. I knew this could be a likely outcome. I just didn’t realize it would hit me like this. I expected that they didn’t survive.”

“Expectations never equal realities. Expectations allow for contingencies. Jack?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

“Good.” Jack smiled. “I love you.”

Jack watched the sky, from aircraft passing overhead to the lightening of the sky. TJ had been snoozing for maybe twenty minutes when Jack heard the ringing.

He moved quietly from the chaise into the room and grabbed his phone, answering without looking at who was calling.

> “Jack!” an emotional voice shook him.
> 
> “Michelle, tell me you didn’t go look.”
> 
> “I couldn’t. They wouldn’t let me.”
> 
> “Do you trust them? You can believe Steve. David too, I guess.”
> 
> “I do, Jack they’re really gone.” She cried softly, “Are you coming home?”
> 
> “Michelle, I don’t know if I can. Technically, I’m a fugitive; I have started the process for asylum.”
> 
> “Are you planning on taking your place?”
> 
> “No. I am not – it’s all yours and Shepherd’s. Officially, what do you need to hear? I hereby abdicate…”
> 
> “You’re safe Jack. You’re safe. I need to hear you tell me you’d be open to coming back, whether it’s to visit or just to say a proper good bye?”
> 
> “If I can get through the red tape I would like to get back for the services. I would like to see you and that baby.
> 
> “I can help with that. I’ll do whatever it takes. First we’ll be issuing a pardon and I’ll do whatever I can to clear your record. Second, I’m sending Captain Rogers with some of your things, including your passport, documents, and credit cards.”
> 
> Jack turned to look out the window, TJ slept in the soft golden glow of the sunrise. “That’s good news, and it takes a lot of the stress off from TJ.” He smiled.
> 
> “Bring him! I want to meet the person who can make you sound so gentle.”
> 
> “If everything comes together in time, I’ll be there _and_ I’ll bring TJ with me. Are you ok?”
> 
> “I’m – I don’t know. I’m safe. Unharmed – they wouldn’t let me near the city until the all-clear. Then I was supposed to call you but I was not handling things well. There might have been some undignified yelling, followed by baby cries and me regretting the yelling.”
> 
> “See, never pays to be undignified.” Jack mused, “I wish I’d seen it.”
> 
> “I’m pretty sure I made you proud. I’m done screaming now. Jack? Why doesn’t it hurt as badly as I thought it would?”
> 
> “You’re still in shock. Don’t force it.” Jack’s eyes teared again. “Don’t fight it and don’t force it.”
> 
> “I expect to see you this week Jack.” Michelle said in an imperious voice.
> 
> “Your wish is my command.” Jack smirked. “I’ve actually missed you.”
> 
> “If I were being forced to confess, I might say I’ve actually missed you too.”
> 
> “So, is this your permanent number? and you have mine now?” He asked.
> 
> “Yes, we can now communicate ad nauseam.” She teased.
> 
> “Good. I can call you and tell you when to expect us.”

Jack set the phone down at the end of their conversation and headed back out to where TJ slept. He crept under the comforter trying to keep from waking TJ but failed.

“Jack? Are you ok?”

“You only need to call your mom if you want to talk to her TJ. Plan on coming with me to Shiloh and call your dad and tell him we love everything he’s done but he can stop.

“Reigning princess, soon to be queen, Michelle Benjamin is declaring me pardoned and working to clear my name. As soon as Steve and Sam return I’ll have not only my documents but access to my bank accounts.”

“You’re not serious?” TJ sat up, “You’re serious!”

Jack winked and straddled TJ, kissing him. “I’m serious. You still with me? I can pay you back and buy you gifts and I can make it up to Janie… we could even get a place of our own.”

TJ took in the excitement and the words and instead of the euphoria Jack seemed to expect, he felt deflated and his chest started to feel tight.

As Jack was kissing TJ, he noticed the shift, observing the color drain from TJ’s face, and when just seconds later TJ stilled, “TJ, kitten? What’s wrong?”

“I – I feel sick.” TJ pushed Jack aside even as Jack was moving out of the way. TJ scrambled to the corner and vomited.

“TJ?” giving TJ a minute, Jack stepped inside to grab a bottle of water and came back to see TJ still crouched in the corner. He crossed the space, “Honey?”

TJ felt Jack’s hand settle on is back and sucked in another breath. “I’m ok.”

“What happened?” Jack crouched at TJ’s side, handing him the water.

TJ took a swig and spit it out a couple of times, “I panicked. It’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not. Anything that gives you this kind of reaction is **not** stupid TJ.” Jack rose and held a hand out to TJ. “Come on, let’s get you back inside.”

TJ took Jack’s offered hand but only went as far as the chaise. “Just come sit with me Jack.”

They sat opposite each other on the seat “Ok, so what happened?”

“I can’t believe it’s come to this. I can’t be this selfish. You just lost your parents.”

“Nonsense, you had an emotional and physical reaction to something, which makes it important.”

“Jack, I was excited for you, all of the freedoms I’ve wanted you to regain are at your fingertips, I really am happy for you –” TJ hesitated.

“Please tell me you’re not still worried I’ll leave you?”

“I panicked because you don’t need me anymore.” TJ said in a rush.

“I need you, TJ. I can be equal to you and need you! If I’m free to move about and if I have money, I can contribute more. I can buy _you_ coffee. I _don’t_ need you to rescue me; what I _need_ is the person who told me to remember when my parents showed me love. I need you so much, but I don’t need to be indebted to you to stay. You’re worth so much more than what you can _buy_ me.”

“Can we forget that happened? Can we just – it wasn’t anything. Today isn’t supposed to be about me, was never supposed to be about me, especially after what happened.”

Jack scooted around to sit alongside TJ. “Do you want to know what I’ve realized? In the past week you and I have tried and failed to have a “Day” multiple times. We keep defeating ourselves, because we’re not ready for anything as long as a day. We need to operate in moments. Because that’s how these things hit us. We’re still healing from all of the shit. If we start judging our successes on whether or not a day that was supposed to be mine was interrupted by a moment where you needed extra TLC or vice versa, we’re always going to feel like we’re lacking.”

“Ok,” TJ said slowly, considering. “Ok, you make a strong argument. So how did you find out all of the good news that I just puked all over?”

Jack tried not to smile at TJ’s comment, “Michelle finally had a chance to call. She’s not dealing too well I don’t think. She hasn’t felt it yet and she’s aware of that, and I think she’s going to give herself guilt and an ulcer if she doesn’t “feel” something soon.”

“We should probably plan to go as soon as we can; she could use your support.”

“She’s got Shepherd.” Jack shrugged, “She’ll be fine.”

“You’re underestimating yourself. She might need her brother _too_.”

“Relax kitten, we’re going. Your presence has been commanded. Funny,” Jack frowned, “I never expected to go back there, let alone less than two weeks after leaving.”

“You’ll do great, Jack. You’ve probably got some friends who’ll want to see you after so long.”

“Don’t count on it. You know how you trimmed your circle of friends and had to rebuild? I am pretty sure what I **did** culled the most of my acquaintances. Any who are eager to see me you won’t want me to spend too much time with.” Jack said with a meaningful look.

“Oh… no, I’m a jealous asshole, I wouldn’t find that too enjoyable.” TJ reached for Jack, and snuggled into him. “How are you holding up, Jack?”

“I’m still in shock, I think. Like maybe I’m not dealing any better than Michelle is.”

“We’ll get through this, just like everything else.”

“I know, kitten.” Jack, comforted by TJ’s reassurance and his warm body wrapped around him, dozed again.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three Hammonds in one afternoon. TJ didn't sign up for this.

Around noon, TJ slipped inside for a bio-break. On the way back he picked up his phone to call for breakfast and noticed he had several notifications. He scrolled through the missed calls from his dad, his mom, and his dad again. Instead of the nuisance of listening to ponderous voicemails he dialed Bud first.

> “Dad, you called?”
> 
> “I did, have you heard about what’s going on in Gilboa, son?”
> 
> “Yes, Steve – Captain Rogers – called Jack last night. There haven’t been any more developments, have there?”
> 
> “The emissary I’ve been working with for Jack’s case has informed me that Jack has been exonerated, his paperwork is in transit. TJ are you prepared for what that could mean? Maybe you should come home before he leaves.”
> 
> “Leaves? What do you mean leaves? I’m going with him.”
> 
> “TJ, that boy has a history of epic screw-ups that would rival yours and mine combined. He’s going to leave you. He doesn’t need your help anymore.”
> 
> “Oh my god! Dad, do you honestly think Jack has been using me? I thought you liked him. I thought you were on _**our** side. _ Don’t you think that for once, someone could like me for me?”
> 
> “I like the boy, TJ, but you have to think for a minute – how likely is it that what happened to get you two together when he needed something the most wasn’t staged?”
> 
> “You need to remember the third party out there with the same face. Do you honestly think that something this ridiculous could be a conspiracy? I’m going to go with Jack to Gilboa for his family’s services.”
> 
> “I thought you’d go with your mother.”
> 
> “I haven’t even talked to her – she doesn’t even know about Ja – dad? Did you tell her about Jack?”
> 
> “I might have let it slip when the news broke.” He almost sounded apologetic.
> 
> “That explains her phone call. I guess I’m calling her now, if you don’t have any more dreams of mine to crush.”
> 
> “Now TJ.”
> 
> “No, Dad. I was proud of you, and our recent truce made me happy, but I didn’t know there was this underlying bullshit.”
> 
> “I need to think about the underlying bullshit because you never do TJ. I’m looking out for you.”
> 
> “Dad, don’t. You’re ruining things again with your words. Jack and I are together. Jack loves me – he – you don’t get it. Because you can’t relate. Thanks for doing all that you did to help Jack. Thanks for contributing to the stuff with Captain Rogers. I’m just going to hold onto that and let you go.”

TJ ended the call before the sputtering and/or cursing began and clenched and unclenched his free hand a couple of times, taking a deep breath before returning his mother’s call.

> “Mom, don’t speak – just listen. Whatever Dad told you – you need to listen to me. I don’t want to hear anything he might have said to you before I get this out – you know he’s full of shit half the time. I met Jack and I offered to help, _I offered_ to help him.
> 
> I’m in love with him – and I know it’s fast – I know it.
> 
> He’s invited me to come with him – and I want to be there to support him.”
> 
> “TJ, Slow down. I wanted to talk to you about this. I want you to start at the beginning.”
> 
> With surprisingly very little interruption TJ explained how he and Jack had met and what had happened over the past week. “I know it’s unorthodox, but mom, I’ve never felt this way.”
> 
> “It’s awfully fast to be so certain.” She sounded deeply concerned, and the sentence could have easily been interpreted as a dubious question of TJ’s sanity.
> 
> “Regardless, I am certain. I’m clean, just like I have been for the last year and a half – through all of your questions and doubts; and I’m sane and I am in love. His parents, mom…”
> 
> “I know, TJ. This is a pretty big deal. I wish you’d have confided in me. You were with him while you were avoiding me – and when we spoke.”
> 
> “Yes, he was by my side when we spoke but I wasn’t ready for the question and answer game. I wasn’t ready for judgment when I could barely explain his being here. I saved you the hassle – and I know it could have been a real problem for you.”
> 
> “You aren’t kidding. You could have really wrapped me up in a scandal TJ, worse than any you have ever constructed for your father.”
> 
> “Wow, thanks. I realize I didn’t think it through but I would do it again. He needed someone to help him and I knew you were not prepared to be that person. I also knew Dad likes a challenge. What I didn’t know was that he’d betray us by telling you before saying something to us about it.”
> 
> “Don’t blame your father for this, TJ. You got in over your head again. You’re just lucky it worked out the way it did.”
> 
> “Mom! Oh my god! Mom that’s the most distant and removed thing I’ve ever heard you say. Do you realize that for this to “ _work out_ ” in what you want to think is _my favor_ Jack had to lose his parents? You say I’m lucky but I get to watch him _mourn_. How is that lucky? What can I tell you to impress upon you that the man I told you that I **love** just got the news that his parents were killed?”
> 
> Before she could speak, he continued.
> 
> “I was actually considering calling you to ask you for help, but now I see you would have been unavailable. Again. I presume, based on something dad said, that you’re planning to go to the services? You need to know that I’m going to be there too. With Jack.”
> 
> “TJ, Clearly I made the wrong move, I said the wrong thing. Come and see me and we can talk in person. Bring Jack; I’d like to meet him.”
> 
> “You can’t talk me out of this. You can’t change what’s happened.”
> 
> “I didn’t say I wanted to. I want to see you. I want to meet the man that is so important to you. It would be impractical for you two to fly commercial when I’m already going that way. You could join me on my flight.”
> 
> “Impractical, but maybe less judgmental too. I’ll think about it, that’s a long flight. I’ll talk to Jack and let you know.”
> 
> “TJ, be sensible.”
> 
> “Mom, sometimes sensible isn’t the way out. I understand that you’re upset. It wasn’t until just now that I realized what this could have meant to you and I’m sorry for that, but I’m not constantly trying to ruin things for you. I had to help Jack. It wasn’t even something I thought about. Even before I knew how I felt about him, I just knew he needed _someone to help him_.”
> 
> “I applaud you for that, TJ, but helping someone shouldn’t include breaking laws to do so.”
> 
> “Which is why I brought dad in and he was working the red tape, taking legal steps. Jesus mom. This is going nowhere. I’ve screwed up again _but_ I did the right thing. Both things are true, there’s no either/or this time. You know what, Jack’s waking up; I’m going to let you go. I need to talk to him about your proposal.”

TJ cut off any possible rebuttal by swiping at the ‘end call’ icon and hurtled his phone across the room before cursing and crossing the room to retrieve it. He hurried a call to the kitchen, hoping that doing something thoughtful, like ordering a nice lunch, would settle his nerves before returning to Jack.

Jack stretched, noticing the empty space and the sun filtering through the sunshade. He then saw TJ pacing like a caged animal, arguing with someone on the phone. Waiting patiently was a tough exercise because all he wanted to do was rush in there and take control of the phone call that had TJ so agitated. Patience won out – even though the moment TJ threw his phone, he once again wanted to fix everything somehow. Jack smiled a soft smile watching TJ reconsider and cross the room, swiping up the offensive item. What on earth would a normal life with TJ be like? He was looking forward to finding out.

TJ stepped out onto the terrace and tried to smile at Jack, but Jack’s expression showed him that he failed. “What’s wrong TJ?” the warm voice reached out to him.

TJ sat on the edge of the chaise, rubbed his neck and had his hand nudged out of the way by Jack’s hands as Jack knelt behind him and started to massage his tension away.

“I just got off the phone with first my dad and then my mom. I remember why I decided to come to New York. I knew that time with my dad had to be too good to be true.”

“Trouble?”

“Nothing I can’t handle. As usual.”

“Not as usual, your usual means you following whatever process you put in place – _alone_. You’re not alone. Would you like to tell me what they said that got you riled up?”

“I’d like to, but I don’t think I should.”

“It’s about me.” Jack guessed. “I’m sorry TJ.”

“You’re the last person who needs to apologize to me Jack. I just can’t believe I was suckered in by that goddamned “Bud Hammond charm”. He says you’re going to leave me. That you don’t need anything I can offer and you’re going to leave me now that you’re free. And my mom… I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she’s the president first. I’ve put her in a difficult position and I could have embroiled her in a scandal **worse** than anything I “concocted” for my father.”

“Oh Jesus TJ! The last thing we needed was for anyone to say the two things you’ve already been struggling with. How is it that they can hone in on your most sensitive spot?” Jack could remember the digs he’d get and the pain that resulted when they hit the sore spot they were aimed at. “Are you going to believe your dad or me?”

“I’m choosing you, Jack, so don’t prove him right.” TJ gripped Jack’s hands as they slid over his shoulders. “Just don’t let that pompous ass be right.”

“We’re on our own?” Jack leaned down and kissed TJ’s neck. “I’m ok with that if you are, but I know how much they mean to you.”

“She wants to meet you. She wants us to fly with her – I don’t know how that could be a good idea.” TJ leaned into Jack, stretching his neck out for more kisses.

“Well, then I’ll meet her. We’ll see where it goes from there. I’m sorry TJ.”

TJ slowly pulled away from Jack to turn to face him, “Sorry for what, exactly? You’ve been the one constant.”

“I’ve also pulled you into another dramatic event with your family.”

“If it wasn’t you it would be me staying with Janie, or vast amounts of other reasons why I’m such a disappointment. We’re _not_ going to go to DC. We have that meeting tomorrow and I have to go to that NA meeting with Janie – I keep blowing her off and _that’s_ not fair to either of us.” TJ took Jack’s hands in his, mostly to steady his own, but also to close the distance again. “The next day we should be able to hook up with Steve and then soon after, we should be on a flight to Shiloh. I’ll introduce you to her when we’re all there.”

“I was this close to accusing you of avoiding the inevitable. I see you just have your own plan for it. That’s good, I’m proud.” Jack nudged closer. “Thanks for not making me go to DC between the news from Shiloh and flying all the way back, I don’t think I had it in me. The press won’t be leaving us alone after this.”

“Shit. Shit! I didn’t even think about that, it’s been so peaceful on that front this week, like we found a loophole or something. Damn, I’m sorry Jack.”

“TJ… stop. I’m the one who should be sorry. It’s my family that’s going to be bringing all of the attention onto you. Wait; _no_ … let’s work on something between you and me. Let’s not apologize for anything we didn’t _actually_ do? If we wrong each other in any way, yes, apologize out the ass but if it’s not something we have any control over we are not responsible for apologies.”

“You have a deal. It’s going to be rough starting because I am always in “I’m sorry” mode.”

“That’s half the reason I decided this. You are always apologizing and now I’ve started doing it. First, that’s much too out of character for me," Jack half-joked, "and second, you’re not one quarter the screw up you keep making yourself out to be.”

Jack noticed the staff bringing in a cart filled with food, “What’s for break-uh-brunch?”

“Lunch. Sandwiches.” TJ lifted himself from the chaise and held a hand out to Jack. “Let’s take this inside.”

Halfway through sandwiches, while Jack described some of the sights they’d ( _maybe if they were still there_ ) be seeing when they landed, the elevator signaled someone’s arrival. TJ scrambled, “shit. Who the hell? We’re supposed to have the place until tomorrow.”

Jack touched TJ’s hand, “probably someone coming to check on you after your morning phone calls. Take a deep breath.”

“TJ!”

TJ wanted to sink into the floor. “Douglas.”

“I needed to check on you,”

“You **don’t** , you know you can tell her “no”.”

“I needed to check on you for me.” Doug set his coat on the sofa, “I’m sorry I barged in, you didn’t answer.”

“I _divorced_ my phone after talking to mom. I’m filing under _irreconcilable_ differences.”

“Funny. I heard about everything, I can’t believe any of it.” Doug said, trying to figure out exactly where to start.

“Well, believe what I tell you because they’re too wrapped up in their own hangups. Dougie, this is Jack. I’m sure you’ve gotten an earful about Jack this morning. Jack, honey, this is my brother Douglas.”

“Doug.” Doug offered Jack his hand, already well aware of who Jack Benjamin was and how god-damned similar he looked to his brother. He was just barely able to move forward without mentioning it.

“Doug, I’m happy to meet you. TJ’s complained the least about you.” Jack teased.

“Well, I’m low on the list of offenders this week, that’s a good thing. I’m sorry to hear about your parents, Jack.”

“Thank you.” Jack pushed aside tears, a lifetime of practice at his disposal making it shamefully easy. “I appreciate that.”

“So, you haven’t come to tell me what a fuckup I am for endangering the presidency or that I’m being used? If you’re here as a friend, welcome – we have sandwiches. If not, I’ve heard it all already; you know where the door is.”

“I’m sorry about them both, TJ. I know you don’t believe it but they are worried about you. I also know they did all of the wrong things, _again_ , to try to express it. What kind of sandwiches?”

“BLT. That’s what you get. Unless you want to order something else. I know they worry. Hell, I worry about me enough for all of you, so I wish you’d all just get on with your lives.” TJ tucked his hand into Jack’s for strength and reassurance. “I’m doing pretty well, for a complete loser.”

“TJ, take that back.” Jack said softly, “You’re doing incredibly well and you’re not a loser.”

“Jack’s right, TJ. We’ve made such a big deal of always telling you all of the things you’re doing wrong, but that doesn’t make you a loser, it makes us a horrible support system.”

“So when do you start turning the tables and feeding me mom’s message or is it dad’s this time?” TJ’s anger was fueling suspicion and he knew he was being unfair to Douglas, but he wanted to skip all of the bullshit.

“I’m not here for them. I swear. I was so angry when Mom got off the phone. I was already in the city and I had to come find you. Janie told me where you were. How are you holding up Jack?” Doug addressed Jack with an earnest concern.

“I think it’s still shock. We’ve had so much going on, so many emotions.”

“He means I’ve been having meltdowns and he’s being incredibly supportive.”

“I _mean_ it’s been an emotional morning.”

“And mom and dad haven’t been any help.” Doug added, observationally. “If you need anything, either of you, please let me know.”

“When you were on the phone with mom, did you tell her she was being outrageous and that she should back off? and dad?”

“Basically, yes. I told her that her timing was horrendous and that she was only going to push you further away. She’s mom. She means well, but she needs to stop. I told her to stop. Dad, he’s another story. He’s convinced.”

“I know, convinced Jack’s through with me. I can’t possibly be good enough for anyone to want to stay around. He’s convinced I’m going to live and die a complete fuckup.” TJ’s eyes glistened but the tears didn’t fall. The words only slightly caught in his throat and Jack squeezed his fingers gently.

“I wouldn’t take it that far TJ.” Douglas tried to deny TJ’s accusation but even _he_ wasn’t convinced that some of what TJ said didn’t run through Bud’s thought processes.

“You wouldn’t because you’re golden, Dougie. You’ve got the perfect life, the perfect wife, the perfect career. You’re relatable. I’m not. I’m everything he doesn’t understand. Because you’ve got the seal of approval, you think that maybe I’m exaggerating and he holds us in the same regard, he doesn’t. He loves me, sure. I don’t question that. I wonder, sometimes if that’s a good thing or not, but I don’t question that he feels it.”

“I can’t even disagree. I do have something else to say about the present matter though. This is not a message from mom or from dad. This is all me, due to the way you’ve been mistreated in the past, TJ.

“Jack? If you even think about hurting my brother, you **will** have to answer to me. I may not have military training, but TJ’s my brother, my fucking brother, and I’ve stood aside too often in the past. I won’t let it slide again.” TJ turned red, failing to stop Dougie from saying it. He might as well be a whisper in a windstorm.

“Noted and duly respected. I’d say it’s high time someone stood their ground where TJ’s concerned. I appreciate what you’ve said and I can guarantee that is not going to happen. TJ is a godsend. He’s light and love and life. Anyone who doesn’t get that can get the hell out.”

“Ok you two, a pissing match over my value isn’t necessary. I love the hell out of both of you.” TJ joked, trying to nudge the two very embarrassing men out of their protective stance. “How long is your visit Doug? Can you sit and be sociable or are you going to come in and threaten Jack and leave like a douchebag?”

Douglas took in the serious expression on Jack’s face, his heightened color, and fire-and-ice eyes. Their resemblance to one another was superficial; TJ never would have the icepick stare in his pale eyes, or the menacing promise that he could wipe the floor with a man. Similarities to TJ’s lovesick eyes and soft smile were nowhere to be found, in their place was furious devotion. Anyone wanting to tell Jack Benjamin that he didn’t love TJ would have a bad experience. Anyone expecting this man to hurt TJ was foolish.

“I don’t want to be more of a nuisance than I already have been.” Doug said.

“You’re not a nuisance. Ok, you’re the lowest level of nuisance of the Hammond family. Stay. Right Jack?”

“Stay and have some lunch. Maybe you can try to keep up with him and his video games.”

“I wasn’t going to play video games; I didn’t really have any plans, today started out rough. I just want a do-over for this weekend.”

“The whole weekend?” Douglas asked.

“Yeah, I had some rough patches.” TJ wanted to confess to Doug and again he didn’t. If it wasn’t TJ being called out for his ‘behavior’ the family didn’t seem to want to be part of the recovery discussion. A blind ‘I’m clean’ seemed to be all they were after.

“What kind of rough patches, are you ok TJ?”

“Yeah, see me? I’m ok. It was just a weird night the other night.”

“TJ, you aren’t taking the credit you deserve.” Jack said, putting his hand on TJ’s knee and ignoring TJ’s subtle refusal.

“Jack, you’re giving me _too much_ credit.” TJ’s face was turning red and Jack blithely ignored him.

“TJ had a moment where he had to decide for himself if he wanted to hold on to his sobriety or abandon it and he made the strongest move in his life to continue to stay sober. He said “no” and he destroyed the stuff he’d found from when he’d tucked it away ages ago. It was a painful, beautiful moment; he’s just not used to being praised for good choices.” Jack crowed pointedly, full of pride.

“TJ, that’s – why wouldn’t you want to tell me that? That’s fantastic.”

“Well, Dougie, historically if I were to say something like that, the response would be ‘how did you get a hold of it TJ?’ or ‘why did you put yourself in a position where you’d have to make such a choice TJ?’ but I have to make that choice _every day._ ” TJ leaned forward, ignoring the stupid grin on Jack’s face. “I’m glad you’re pleased.”

“I’m more than pleased and I’m equally chastised. Clearly I need to learn how to respond to you, that’s my fault entirely. I am proud of you TJ. I’m so relieved to see that you’re in a good place with such good people. Janie seems incredible and Jack knows more about you than I seem to. Also my fault.”

“Somewhat, yeah.” TJ admitted, noting that he’d just managed to avoid contradicting Douglas, and realizing just that small thing felt unbelievably liberating.

“I’ll definitely work on that, if you’ll let me.” Doug offered, earnestly.

“I know asking you to trust me is entering rough territory, but if you could be open to possibilities and maybe not expect me to fuck things up _every_ time. I’ve been a pretty decent person and a sober adult for my longest run ever. I’ve been able to _own_ my mistakes and to almost regularly express when I need my space. Thank you for recognizing that. Thank you for buying me time with mom but how about you don’t let her swipe your phone again, _that_ was a dick move.”

“Yeah, I wish I’d had more control over that. I happened to leave it for a minute and when I returned, she was using my phone. It sounded like it ended ok.” Doug taunted.

“Well, it ended ok but still. Maybe lock your phone or don’t leave it lying around? She fucking ambushed me.”

“It’s mom. Ambushing people is her specialty.”

“You’re a pro Dougie, a _fucking professional_ at making excuses for her, for dad, for me. You should really go out of business though; I think you’d be happier. You certainly won’t get an ulcer from being _less_ the Hammond Family janitor. Stop doing it. Stop going between everyone, don’t communicate with everyone for everyone else, and for god’s sake don’t make excuses for any of us anymore. You’ll be happier.”

“You might be on to something. I’m not sure how to start that particular path though.”

“Just stop. I’m on board. I won’t ask you to give anyone any messages. Tell them you’ve quit. It’s really _not_ in your job description. I’m behind you all the way, because you need more time to be a husband, so that one day you can even be a father – you know – a present one. One who can parent his child or children the way they deserve.”

“TJ, you’ve really grown up in the last 18 months. I hope mom takes the time to look and see that. I know the last time you saw her she couldn’t be bothered to look, but maybe, just maybe this time.”

“Given my whirlwind relationship with a known fugitive, I’m surprised you used the term grown up in reference to me.” TJ teased, sliding his fingers between Jack’s. “I appreciate the observation though, and I’m not going to let you forget it. Think about what I said though, I really hate that they were able to completely screw us both up and then leave **you** to pick up the pieces. I hate that you were forced to be the adult when they couldn’t be bothered, and worst of all, I hate that I couldn’t manage to be even remotely what you needed me to be as a brother. I’m going to work on that. I can’t make too many grand promises yet, but I do promise I’m going to work on it.”

“That’s a big step, TJ.” TJ gave Doug a look, “Ok, a small step, but a huge advancement. Used to be you’d promise the moon, promise to be everything everyone expected, even when we all – you included – assumed you’d fall flat. Acknowledging that it needs to be done in small steps is very responsible. I appreciate it and I accept your offer.”

“Good. I’m glad that’s settled.” TJ stated and Douglas noticed TJ’s relief, and realized just how much this had weighed on his brother.

“Will you two be flying with Mom? I’d almost suggest a commercial flight, that way you can deal with things at your own pace.”

“We’d discussed it, that’s what she wants but Jack and I are probably flying commercial for that exact reason. Jack needs his documentation first, so as soon as that gets here, we can leave, which gives us a day or two to plan. I have a business meeting tomorrow and an NA meeting tomorrow night so it works for me in that regard.”

“A business meeting? Look at you. What? About your music already?”

“I told you I had a couple of things lined up – one went very badly and the other looks promising, I also have a couple more leads once this excitement dies down, if tomorrow doesn’t work out.”

Jack wanted TJ to rant about the one that went badly and to crow more about the other, but let it slide with little more than a squeeze of TJ’s hand. TJ returned the gesture.

“Is this vague approach to your meetings part of your plan? Tell me more – what was the response to your music?”

“We didn’t even get there in the one meeting, the guy was just all wrong. Sexually forward and very,” TJ rolled his eyes, “Very off-putting. The other meeting was like a dream come true – which scares the shit out of me. How could it be so perfect? Is it even perfect? He’d pair me with a lyricist and we would write for specific artists. On payroll no less. Tomorrow is a meeting with the entertainment lawyers I retained; they’ve gone over the offer so I’m being briefed tomorrow. The firm was highly recommended by mom’s legal team, so I hope they’ve got my best interests at heart.”

“They should, I don’t want to interfere, but if you’d like me to get another opinion on the firm I could do that?”

“Thanks Doug, I appreciate the offer but – well fuck it, if you hear anything about Everett, Franklyn & Shea I’d appreciate it.”

Doug was typing the firm name into a text message as he listened to Jack praise TJ for pushing past the hurdle he’d put in front of himself. This was not something he was used to hearing and he made a mental note to add it to the things he should actually start doing regarding TJ. His brother was really starting to grow up and it made an impact on how Douglas was starting to look at TJ.

“Jack, do you need anything in the interim? Is there anything I can help you with or anything I can do for you?”

“I think I’ve got everything I need, thank you. TJ’s seen to my needs and has been a great comfort. As soon as I have access to my life again I plan on making a lot of that up to him and to Janie.”

“Dougie, do you know if Jack will face any legal issues here? I am willing to serve time for what I did at the airport if it comes down to it; I knew what I was doing. Is he covered under the documents Dad implemented with his application for asylum? I know he’s exonerated at home but – will there be any difficulties here?”

“I am sure he’s covered if Dad didn’t warn you of anything. Don’t worry about the airport – I took care of that, I backed you up. I don’t foresee you putting me in _that_ situation again.”

“But I was rather clever.” TJ boasted. “You can’t deny that.

“Exactly the reason I _did_ cover for you, I was impressed.” Doug teased.

“We both know you covered because of mom. But thank you. It was a long shot and I knew I was putting my neck out, but for some reason I really, really needed to.” TJ looked at Jack, “Even though I’d never met him and I was _so furious_. I just acted without thinking. Typical addict behavior, sure, but I’m really glad I did.”

“I can’t say I’m glad you did what you did, TJ, but I am glad the outcome has been good. I think once you two can come out of this exile, and the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, you will continue to be good for each other. Don’t listen to critics, no matter who they are.”

“Wow, Dougie, look at you.” TJ blushed, teetering on unproven ground, “How did you manage to come to this conclusion?”

“I know what a shitty support system looks like and I know what it’s like to have someone who will not only be there for you but call you on your shit. I like what I see, from my standoff with Jack earlier to the concentricity of your mutual respect for each other. Just remember, the honeymoon phase is the easy part. Real life is hard.”

“Don’t I know it, hence my addiction. I’m planning on regular therapy visits and not skipping any more NA meetings. Jack’s looking forward to working,”

“Working _and_ trying my hand at real life. I have a lot to learn and to prove to myself. I probably have my fair share of therapist visits in my future too.” Jack leaned forward on the sofa, “It seems I’ve been dropped into the “we’re not whole but we want to be” group with Janie and TJ. For once I fit that mold. I haven’t been _whole_ in a long time but I really want to be. TJ’s the first person in a very long time that has made me feel like it was even something I could attain.”

Doug rose and wandered the room, “Was this your doing, TJ?” he asked, indicating the empty bar.

“Yeah, I wanted to just get away but when we were here for the planning session with Dad the wall was too full of temptation so I had them clear it out except for what you see there, water and soda. I wanted to be in a place with no complications. Funny I still wound up finding complications.”

“Are you talking about what Jack mentioned earlier? What happened?” Douglas asked as he poured a soda into an ice-filled glass.

“I scattered, somehow it got into the back of my mind that there was something stashed here and I went searching for it. I don’t remember the search or the motivation behind it, but I remember when I was consciously looking at it and holding it in my hand. I had enough to accommodate a small party, or an average elephant. I came so close. What I’m going to tell you – you need to be cool about because it goes against everything anyone in the family ever did, or tried, or would do. Jack found me as I was teetering on the edge and just sat with me. Said he’d be there whichever direction I chose.”

Doug’s hands tightened on the glass but he waited, considering how this could be positive, trying not to doubt his previous assertion that he was on Jack’s side.

“He left the choice to me, Dougie, trusting me to make the right decision – which is what I have to do every day whether the stuff is in my hand or a phone-call away. Do you know how quickly I could get my hands on something? Too fast, but the trust – being able to know I can make the right choice – that’s what Jack gave me that the family doesn’t have practice with.”

“We do seem to have an all-or-nothing approach. I’m learning a lot today. I’m not saying I can convince mom and dad that it’s the right approach but I know I’m going to move forward differently.”

“You don’t need to convince mom or dad of anything, remember? You don’t have to be the janitor anymore.”

“Right. Right. Quitting is going to be harder than I thought.”

“It requires admitting you have a problem.” TJ taunted.

“Well, I know who to turn to when I need reminding. I’m glad you’re doing well, TJ. And you are – doing well. Don’t keep the communication embargo in place between you and me, ok?”

“You sound like mom.” TJ cautioned, “I won’t. I’ll call before we leave. I’ll call and let you know how tomorrow goes, if you’re interested?”

Doug looked at his phone, “They appear to be some of the best – the firm that is. Yes, I’m interested.”

“I’ve been advised not to sign right away – to bring everything home and go over it first. If we wind up stumped on something I might be calling you.”

“I’d be honored. I don’t know how much I can help with entertainment but I’d be honored to try to help ferret out information. I’d better run.” TJ rose and moved to hug Doug and Doug embraced his brother, “You stay safe and don’t be too proud to call if you need to.”

Jack stepped up to shake Doug’s hand and Doug pulled him into a hug, “Keep up the good work, he’s pretty special to me.” When they separated, “I’m sorry about your parents Jack.”

“Thank you. You can count on it, where TJ’s concerned. Will you be attending the services?”

“I believe I will be there, I might end up flying with you guys if Mom doesn’t take this latest development too well.” He threatened lightheartedly.

“If your peace of mind is at stake, then you’re more than welcome.” TJ added. “What 30-something is still so connected to their parents that they’re as worried as you or I about how they’ll take our independence?”

“Oh more fodder for the therapist, TJ…” Doug quipped as he stepped onto the elevator. “I love you – don’t forget that.”

“I love you too.” TJ said as the doors closed. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry Jack.”

Jack laughed, “That wasn’t so bad. He was just looking out for you.”

“Yeah, mom’s dirty work, don’t let him fool you.”

“Don’t you think he could do a cursory check on you just for his own good? Do you think he’ll turn over a new leaf? He seemed keen on the idea.”

“It would be nice to think that his checking in on me wasn’t motivated by mom. I hope he at least tries, that’s as unhealthy for him as everything I have ever done has been for me. He did seem to think pretty hard about what I said though. It would be pretty great if he didn’t even bother to call her after this.”

“I have an idea. You know that giant television over there? And that vast array of movies we have access to? Let’s call the kitchen for the most indulgent array of movie snacks and close the drapes, turn the lights off and blast the most absurd movies on the list until we have to be kicked out in the morning.” Jack proposed excitedly.

“You are the master of great ideas. Let’s do exactly that. You choose the goodies; I’ll choose the first movie. Escapism at its finest!”

“Exactly that.” Jack kissed TJ’s enthusiastic face before moving to call for the kitchen.


	22. Chapter 22

Steve walked away from the bodies and pulled out his phone, he’d known the call he’d had to make would be tough to endure and typically this wasn’t Steve’s job but he owed Jack. He had come to like the boy, maybe he hadn’t had the best start, but he was working on becoming something promising, and he had eagerly helped Steve find and rescue Bucky. Steve felt Jack could be a real asset and wanted to give him that chance. Jack was also the first person to give Steve an inkling of how to relate to Bucky. Jack had done things he couldn’t reconcile and he’d done them by listening to the voices of the wrong people, impressed under duress to do things he may or may not have done if he’d had the proper direction, the boy wasn’t evil, just misdirected and Bucky wasn’t evil either – he’d been manipulated.

Making the call hurt even more than he'd expected, he had heard the breaking of Jack’s voice and listening to his weeping as he worried, panicked, for his sister tore at Steve.

The sun was up and the power had been restored and the bodies had been removed. The windows had been opened as soon as the group had found the royals, in hopes of airing the room of the stench. As he tucked his phone away, Steve turned to see both Sam and Bucky watching him from across the large room. He moved without addressing either of them to talk to David about the situation.

"He doesn't usually have to make that call." Sam said, Bucky noticed concern in the tone of Sam's voice.

"We do painful things for the people who mean something to us." Bucky sighed.

Sam looked at Bucky who looked down at his feet under the scrutiny, he’d done a lot in the fight at Unity Hall and even though he’d voluntarily come to Alder with Steve, it was becoming apparent that the body count had started to get to him. “You only did what you had to, Bucky.” Sam said softly, understanding the melancholy. “You did it because you chose your path this time and sometimes that’s the path we have to choose.”

“You know what’s even worse? He put himself in harm’s way; and he shot a man between the eyes to save me. How am I worth that?”

“The man he shot was Hydra. Don’t forget that. That was the lecture you gave David, the lecture Steve and I gave those boys. He was Hydra – no second chances. As for putting himself in harm’s way… he wears bright red, white, and blue most of the time, how is standing tall in a room full of evil any more attention grabbing than that? He doesn’t back down, I’m actually shocked that his idea was to go in dressed like the rest of the crowd. That’s not usually his M.O.”

“I may have impressed upon him how it might go easier. He might have been humoring me. I don’t know what to say to him, he’s obviously struggling.”

“If you are willing to be a support for him tell him so. If you’re not ready for that, don’t make any promises, just offer condolences. He’s surprisingly invested in the Benjamin kid. It might be due to the resemblance. It could be because the kid’s ok despite his tough start.”

“You agree with him then?”

“Everything you might have heard about the kid, those people he’s weeping over did to him. They forced him to abandon who he was, simply to try to earn the acceptance of his parents and his country. Affection and acceptance are huge motivators. He was just a young kid being told that who he was wasn’t good enough.”

“Force. The parallels; our looks coupled with Jack’s inability to choose, somewhat mirrors my own situation. He’s fixating.”

“I’d agree, and it might have started out that way, but Jack is real to him, he’s three dimensional. Steve and I have met and spent time with him and he’s a nice guy. You can simplify it because you haven’t met him.”

“Actually, it’s not as easy as it was – that kid, Donaldson, he knew him, says he’s a good guy. I had some significant recollections fighting tonight. You know a guy when you fight alongside him, under him.”

“I’d rather fight with him than against him.”

“Yeah, having been on both sides of that particular issue, I’d have to agree. You know Steve’s expecting me to take off even though I said I wanted to go home.”

“Yeah, so which is it?”

“I still want to go home but it’s going to be ugly for him, maybe for you.”

“I’m not dumb enough to think you don’t know he’s been looking for you, after all you sent quite a message. You’re probably even aware that I’ve been helping him. Don’t you think we both have a pretty good idea what that might entail?”

“Do you?”

“It could get tricky, yes. We’re certainly going to have legal issues, maybe press, maybe all at once. Steve has an idea…”

“I know, getting a reference or recommend from Shepherd. It will only go so far, Sam.”

“He’s very influential – and I don’t mean Shepherd. I’ll bet if Mrs. Shepherd were to give blessing people will listen – she’s very influential as well, from what I hear.”

“Not enough to not get herself exiled.” Bucky said distractedly.

“Well, that was her idiot parents’ doing – it was also dumb luck or she’d be headed to the makeshift morgue along with them.” Sam stated, clearly not impressed with the previous regent.

“I’m not really one who should judge anyone and I’ve snapped to judgment a few times already, don’t mind me. I guess it’s trust issues that have me skeptical.”

“You gotta find a healthy in-between. You can _not_ trust everyone but you need to have someone you _can_ trust.”

“Yeah, I think I have found one – maybe two.” Bucky said, looking at Sam meaningfully. “Doesn’t mean any of you can fix what I’ve broken.”

“We’re not going to try. You can’t either, you know?” Sam leaned against the door frame, “You just find a way to deal with it and move forward doing the things you want to do. It can take time; we’re going to try to buy you that time.”

Steve finished talking with David and looked up to see Bucky and Sam still in the same place. It was a relief to see a practically ordinary scene after searching so long and especially after a long and hot night of battle and blood. It was especially rewarding considering all that Bucky had been through. He crossed the space, “Hey. Michelle’s on her way, and then as soon as I get messages relayed we can figure out where we’re going. I can use a shower, that’s for sure.”

“I’m sure we’re all in agreement on that one.” Sam said.

When Michelle came in she flung herself at David and he told her he’d identified her parents and no, she shouldn’t see it – it was more unpleasant than she should see right now. The services would have to be soon enough, he offered. Bucky felt uncomfortable in the same room and stepped outside, but that wasn’t enough to drown out her yelling and then the baby started to cry. That’s when he hightailed it outside. Too much of everything after more than two months of absolute seclusion was almost more than he could bear.

Steve waited uncomfortably on the sidelines, envying Bucky’s ability to step away. He watched as Michelle reined in her own emotions to coddle the baby. As things finally quieted, he approached her, while David handled command of his men.

“Michelle, I’m very sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you, Captain.” She said softly, no trace of tears.

“I’ve spoken to Jack, told him the news. He’d really like to talk to you when you’re able.”

Steve offered her his phone, she looked at him briefly, “Do you think he’d mind if I got his number from you?”

Steve shrugged, uncertain. “I don’t see what harm it can do.”

She swiped the info into her phone, “Thank you Captain, for everything. David told me how much help you and your friends were; I’ll never be able to express just how grateful I am.”

“I only ask one thing, my friend Sergeant Barnes, he could really use an influential reference in order to straighten things out for him at home.” Steve scrubbed his hand over the back of his neck, “I hate to ask, but I have to.”

“Captain, I’m happy for you, that you’ve found your friend. I hope that he, like us, can put whatever hell Hydra put him through behind him. I’m so grateful for you and your friends and I’d be more than happy to give Sergeant Barnes a positive reference. You, or he, can have anyone contact me directly. I’d like to meet him and speak with him and Sam; I need to extend my gratitude. Would you please have them come and find me before you leave?”

“I’ll tell them you’ve asked. I won’t push Bucky, Sergeant Barnes, to do anything at this point, he’s been through a lot in the last few days.”

“That’s the least I can ask. Thank you Captain.”

Steve sought out Sam, who was across the room, “Michelle would like to talk to you, to thank you. Please don’t tell me she doesn’t have to, you know she feels she does.”

“You ok?” Sam asked, honing in on the clipped communication.

“No. I’m not.”

“Ok, maybe you should take a step outside, look at the sky, breathe in the nearly-fresh air. Just for a minute or two. I’ll go talk to Michelle.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Steve walked toward the large doors that led out to the terrace and stepped out, breathing deeply of the air, scenting a little smoke, over the scent of the garden the terrace looked over. He heard slight noises and turned to look, spotting Bucky leaning against the rail on the far end of the terrace. “I’m sorry, I’ll - I was just going back in.” he stammered.

“What’s eatin’ you? There’s enough outdoors for everyone.” Bucky said lightly.

“I figured you’d stepped out to be alone.”

“I just left the noise, crying and screaming are unpleasant sounds I don’t want any part of, ever again.”

“Bucky – I’m sorry, I didn’t think.” Steve had read the file, had memorized the entire thing including any of the things Bucky’d been ordered to do, if it was in the file and hadn’t been redacted or omitted entirely, he knew about it. The things that weren’t listed bothered Steve even more.

“It’s ok – you shouldn’t even know about any of that.” Bucky huffed, “shouldn’t be an issue. As for being alone, I’ve done that, I’m weary of loneliness. I don’t suppose it’s through with me though.”

“Oh hell no. You’ve got contacts now – you don’t have to be alone if you choose not to.”

“So do you – tell me you don’t still feel isolated – who shares your burden Steve?”

“Sam tries.” Steve stopped, he wasn’t going to feed Bucky a line of shit about being A-Okay, “I have friends who help with the general isolation, but sometimes it’s hard.”

Bucky barely restrained a harsh laugh, “hard.” He mused.

“I’m tryin’ Buck. I live in this world now and I have to move ahead. Hardest thing I’ve ever done is lose everyone I know and have to come to terms with a drastically different way of living. There are good things though, so that helps.”

“I’m not judging you. I’m trying to relate, trying to come to terms myself.”

“It can’t be done in an instant. Don’t worry if it takes some time, you’ve been on the run for a long time and someone else’s prisoner for longer still. It’s taken me several years to get where I am now.”

“I don’t know what to do next.” Bucky sat down on the hard terrace floor, breathing in the scent of roses that climbed just below him. “I’m scared, Steve.”


	23. Chapter 23

“I don’t know what to do next.” Bucky sat down on the hard terrace floor, breathing in the scent of roses that climbed just below him. “I’m scared, Steve.”

Steve swallowed a lump before answering, just because the words sent him reeling, didn’t mean he had to upset Bucky more than he already was. He’d never expected to hear this confession from his friend, and as many times as he himself had felt it, he’d never said the words aloud. He lowered himself to sit next to Bucky. “It will get better.”

“Yeah? Is that something you just made up? How will it get better, Steve?”

“Hasn’t that already started to become evident? You’re not in prison. You have your autonomy. We’ll work on the rest.”

“Pretty words.” Bucky scrubbed his face, wiping moisture away with the action.

“So. Michelle would like to thank you – if you’re up for it.” He couldn’t exactly make out Bucky’s expression from this angle, but was pretty certain what the answer would be, so he decided to make the alternative clear, “I told her I’d deliver the message and not to expect anything. Do you want to deal with that or do you want to get out of here?”

“Oh god. Don’t make me do that. Can we leave?”

“Yeah, David directed us to a place to clean up and _try_ to unwind. I’ll go tell Sam, and then we can leave.”

“Great, I’ll meet you at the truck.” Bucky stood up and leapt over the rail. Steve watched him sprint away, with a little bit of hope that he would actually be at the truck and a whole lot of envy that he couldn’t be less responsible and just take off like that.

More drapes had been opened inside and he walked in to see Sam shaking David’s hand after getting a hug from Michelle. The two of them were still discussing the situation. He caught Sam’s attention and gestured toward the door, receiving a nod. Michelle looked expectantly up at Steve, “I’m sorry, everything that’s happened has been too much for him. He’s just waiting at the truck now. If everyone is settled? I’m going to go get cleaned up.”

“Captain? When are you leaving?”

“At sunset we’ll be wheels up.”

“I have some things for you to take to Jack – if you would? I can have them all ready to go with you when you leave, would it be ok for me to come by and see you off?”

“Yeah, I can do that, I’ll be seeing him soon enough. Some of those ‘things’ wouldn’t lead to his freedom would they?”

“Yes. I only wish I could make Sergeant Barnes’ troubles go away as cleanly.”

“Any help you can give us – we both appreciate. I hope you don’t hold his leaving against him – like I said, he’s been through a lot.”

“I understand. Sam has been filling me in on some basics. As I said earlier, I’ll be happy to talk with anyone who will listen. Do you think after he’s had a chance to clean up and rest – maybe before you leave I could at least say a quick “thank you”?”

“It can’t hurt to try. Tell you what, I won’t mention it, he might just make himself unavailable if I give him warning again. I’m happy to try to give you a shot at him. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t know you were genuine.” Steve smiled softly. “I hope you’ll allow me to take my leave. I think I’ve had enough of today.”

“Certainly, Captain. Thank you again.” Michelle hugged Steve, not giving any care for the blood on his clothes.

“I wish there could have been a better resolution.” Steve said sadly.

“Thank you.” Was all she could say, still struggling with her feelings, or lack of emotions to be more specific.

Steve hurried out to the truck leaving Sam still talking. He honestly wasn’t expecting to find Bucky anywhere around and was pleasantly shocked when he found him leaning against the truck, looking into the sky, as though it would have the answers. “Hey – to be honest, I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Thought I’d bolt?”

“Yeah, wouldn’t blame you if you had, however, I’m glad you didn’t. You still in the market for a seat on the plane?”

“Depends. Where’s this plane taking me?”

“My apartment? If that’s acceptable. To a hotel if it’s not. I’m not saying you’re not in any danger, but I’m not turning you in to anyone.”

“Don’t sweat it, I’m in. You said something about cleaning up?”

“Yeah, Sam should be down in a minute – got you somethin.” Steve tossed a small parcel at Bucky.

Bucky caught it in one hand, looking from it to Steve. “Cigarettes. I told you it – ”

“Shut up and light one already.” Steve tossed the lighter and Bucky was lightning fast catching the silver object one handed while tipping one out of the pack with the other.

“Hell no, there’s a whole pack here, you’re not bumming a hit offa mine.” Bucky took his time between lighting the first, lingering on the ritual and the sting, before lighting a second and handing it to Steve. “I’m not sure which of us is being the bad example here.”

“Ain’t no one to impress. If you’re talking about between you and me,” Steve took a long drag on the cigarette, “we’ve seen and done worse than smoke on the street after something like that bullshit.” He added, gesturing toward Unity Hall and the wisps of smoke that were still visible against the blue sky.

Bucky laughed, thinking about back alley brawls and cursing, “You ain’t kiddin’.”

“That’s just before the war.” Steve smiled into the smoke curling around his face.

“I was thinking exactly that.” Bucky’s smile lingered around his cigarette. He wasn’t sure how much to share with Steve, every instinct was to share anything that came to mind, but it was being squashed by the terror that anything more than cursory details would cause Steve to heap unrealistic expectations onto him. Bucky wasn’t sure what to expect yet himself from this familiarity and camaraderie.

 “Hey – Thought you guys had left me to fend for myself.” Sam called as he approached.

“Nah, this one is determined to keep me hooked on this shit.” Bucky said genially as he put the smoke out and tucked it into the package wrap. Sam climbed into the back seat and laid down, leaving Bucky to take the front seat.

“Yeah, no one forced you.” Steve smirked, stubbing out his smoke. “You coulda just lit the one.”

Steve followed the directions he’d been given and within minutes they were pulling in front of a place nearly as elegant as the mansion. Bucky turned to him, a dubious look on his face, “you’re shittin’ me, right?”

“Hey, all bets are off, we helped the reigning sovereign of the nation. I’m willing to wager that pack of smokes there are enough showers in this place for each of us to hit the water – and enough hot water to go around. That’s all that matters right now.”

“That’s all I care about – that and a bed to crash on. I hate that we’re flying out tonight” Sam complained from the back seat.

“You could always stay and fly commercial tomorrow Sam, I have to get back – I have a new, mini mission I have to complete in a timely manner.” Steve parked the truck and hopped out.

“Yeah, Jack’s paperwork, Michelle mentioned that. It’s important, and I kinda want to be there – I can’t exactly be the best support system for him like I volunteered to be if I check out at this crucial point. I’ll be up – just wake me.”

They each grabbed a bag and trudged toward the door while continuing the discussion, “I don’t understand it. How do you two just get involved in a stranger’s life and remain so committed?” Bucky asked, looking over his shoulder at Sam.

“Like I said earlier, I just got to know him a little. You know he’s also a soldier, he's had absolutely zero support system here. Even now things here are going to be strained for him. He’s displaced and really, it’s what I do.” Sam rambled.

“I’d like you to meet him Buck, I know you’ve formed your own opinion but you should meet him.”

“I should. Simply because he was integral to getting me out of there – I should thank him or apologize to him for getting him involved in more shit… I _think_ I’ll go along.” Bucky fiddled with the lighter, flipping the lid open and closed “old school.” He commented, angling it, the sunlight reflecting off of it and grazing Steve’s line of vision.

“It’s a gift.” Steve swiped at it, “Donaldson wanted to thank us.”

“We should be thanking him. He saved our asses.” Bucky said softly, averting Steve's swipe and pocketing the lighter. “Fucking kid proved his shit.”

“Saved my life, that’s for damned sure.” Steve agreed. “By the way, how’s the shoulder?”

“It’s stiff, hurts like a mother. It’s probably ugly still. Sam told me what the Donaldson kid did while I was laid out on the floor. He’s a gutsy little cur.”

Sam chuckled at the crass references. “By the way, when did you start smoking?” he asked Steve as he unlocked the door.

“Another lifetime, asthma cigarettes, afterward it was just a quick hit here and there on the field. It’s just a throwback really.”

“Social. Soothes his nerves.” Bucky explained as he looked around the elaborate entry that welcomed them. “Ho-lee fuck.”

“Shit.” Sam said at the same time.

“I guess pick a room.” Steve said, in awe himself.

“Don’t get too comfortable.” Bucky said as he took the stairs and slid his hand along the silken, polished banister that led to the upper floor, “if you’re actually planning to leave tonight.”

Sam skipped steps and passed Bucky to reach the top first and whistled as he opened a door midway down the hall, “Yes. Yes, this will do.” He said as he tossed the bag on the bed. “Wake me when it’s time to go and not a minute sooner.”

Steve and Bucky chuckled as they opened doors to rooms across the hall from Sam. They heard him through the closed door, practically singing, “Yes sir, this will do.” From what they presumed was the bathroom as they heard water flowing.

“Ah the chorus of angels!” Bucky exclaimed, “I hope you’re right about the available hot water.”

“You need a wakeup call?” Steve asked.

“This phone you gave me looks pretty loaded; it wouldn’t have an alarm would it?” Bucky held up the phone, looking at it like it was a foreign object, making Steve chuckle.

“Just checking, since sleeping beauty in there has the same tech.”

“I’ll probably be the one waking everyone. I’m not saying I won’t sleep but I don’t know if I can.”

“Give it a good shot, huh? I think we’re pretty secure in here.” Steve offered. “You’re safe here, Buck.”

“Your lips to god’s ear.” Bucky incanted softly.

“I hope you can believe me. You’re safe here.”

“Go hit the shower, Steve. You’ve got blood all over your face and neck.” Bucky said suddenly, ducking into the room and closing the door. The fear and emotion was starting to crush him and he didn’t want to break down in front of this man – this combination friend-and-stranger who seemed to read him too clearly.

Steve didn’t linger in the shower like he’d wanted to. He did the required scrubbing and hurried into a clean pair of pants and shirt before stepping out into the hall again and setting up in front of Bucky’s door as sentry.

Bucky stepped into the bathroom, a stone palace in itself and looked at his reflection in the wall-sized mirror. He wasn’t free of blood himself, in his hair at the base of his neck it was clumped together with it as well as a swipe of it across his skin. He tightened his fingers on the marble vanity, leveling his breathing. “Clean up. You deserve this hot shower.” He told the stranger in the mirror. He looked deeper into his reflection, seeing past reflections, in glass and water and mirrors, sometimes Bucky, sometimes the Soldier. “Who are you going to be?” he asked for the thousandth time since fleeing DC and Hydra.

Scrubbing his hands across his face he pushed away from the vanity and turned the shower faucet to on/hot then peeled his bloody and shredded clothes off waiting for the water to warm. Giving his shoulder a cursory thought, he pulled the bandage off. It was angry looking, like he’d said. More a deep cut now, than a gaping wound. He poked at the sides of it with metal fingers, wincing a little but deciding the shower wouldn’t be detrimental to it.

Bucky was surprised when he stepped in and had the water spray coming from multiple directions, already hot and pulsating over his battered body. He stood under the spray while the jets tickled and caressed him, letting the pulses sting his bruises and the wound on his shoulder. He stood there longer than he figured the hot water should allow but it stayed heated. The fear seemed to wash away with the dirt and pain. He felt lighter and more relaxed.

Eventually he reached across the spacious shower for the shampoo, a spicy fragrance engulfed him as he lathered his head with a little too much of the soap, as unaccustomed as he was to the new shortness of his hair. He stepped under the main showerhead and let the water and soap bubbles sluice over his body as his hair rinsed clean.

He fumbled the soap, the soft thunk-thunk was the only sound besides the soft whir of the metal of his arm, which after two months of disuse he was still getting familiar with, and the water’s splash against his skin and the stone floor.

The clean and simple fragrance took him back to a simpler time, washing up in a bathtub with a phonograph playing in the other room. Two flesh arms and long naked legs folded up, knees poking out of the tiny tub. The giggle of a girl on the side of the tub and a splash as she tumbled off of the thin tub edge, before he hauled her and her drenched and flowered dress across him for wet, half-protested kisses. “Bucky, stop. What are you doing? Steve will be here, what is he going to think? Now I have to run home and change.”

She had trailed her nails across his jaw before pushing away from him and taking her leave. What would Steve think? Steve had pulled out his overcoat and offered it to her as she left, smiling, and thanking him for being so nice. Once they were alone, Steve had chuckled after telling Bucky what a crumb he was.

“Aw but Steve, she was sitting on the edge, all I did was kiss her when she was in my arms.”

“and you had nothing to do with toppling her there?”

“Nope, my lips to god’s ear, that was all gravity.” And they’d both laughed, lighthearted and joyful.

Bucky snapped out of his reverie, rinsing the soap from his body and turning the water off. He toweled off and tiredly walked out into the room that was larger than twice the size of the tenement apartment he’d grown up in. After stepping into a clean pair of jeans, he scoped out the room, checking behind the dark curtains, finding daylight burning behind them and a peaceful courtyard beneath. He wandered to the door and opened it to look out. He spotted Steve seated against the jamb. The movement had jarred him awake.

“Hey.” Steve said, a blush on his cheeks from being caught. “Just thought I’d offer services.”

“Did you even shower?”

“Don’t I look fresh as a daisy? Yeah, I took a quick one.”

“You should have taken your time and enjoyed yourself, or are you used to digs like this?” Bucky crouched down next to Steve. “You wanna come in and use one of the chairs? Can’t see how this is comfortable. Also can’t see why you wouldn't want to take advantage of the comforts?”

“We’re leaving soon, comforts are for people with time to spend in them.”

“Bullshit, come in. Sit in the chair and watch over me if you aren’t going to use the bed in your room and are going to insist on this. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I wasn’t keeping you in.” Steve turned to face him directly. “I was keeping you safe.”

“Oh.” Bucky stood and stepped back a half step. “Oh. Thanks.” He stammered.

Steve took Bucky’s offered hand and rose. “Of course. You didn’t really think I was holding you here? You can leave or stay Buck. You seemed worried or frightened, I wanted to help.”

“You knew I’d find you here before I went to sleep, otherwise you’d have announced yourself.” Bucky realized and accused with a small smirk.

“I thought you’d do a sweep.” Steve confirmed. “I didn’t want you to have to wander the whole house or anything. I can go – I’ll just go hit the sack.”

“Thanks for offering to keep watch. It’s nice, but you need sleep too. You want to pretend you’re guarding the place, take the sofa, and snooze. With two of us in here, anyone coming for trouble would have a tough time anyway.” Bucky found he’d be glad for the idea of someone he was beginning to expect he could trust in the room, “If nothing else, we can keep half an eye out for each other.”

“If you’re sure.” Steve said as he curled his large frame into the extra-large chair. Bucky picked up one of the soft blankets from the bed, rubbing it between his fingers as he crossed the room, and tossed it over Steve’s head.

“Can’t be any more “sure” than that.” Bucky said quietly, enjoying the small satisfaction of a gentle tease as he walked away.

“Funny.” Steve groused, tugging the blanket over his head, pulling and pulling until the length finally freed his hair in a static puff.

Bucky turned to see the shock of hair before easing between the luxurious sheets and laughed. “Sure is.”

“Ha ha.” Steve retorted, arranging the blanket.

“Thank you, Steve.” Bucky said, grateful not only for the company but the laugh.

“Glad to do it Buck.” Steve replied sleepily.


	24. Chapter 24

Bucky had the fleeting thought to hogtie Steve or just simply strangle him when he was waylaid by Michelle Benjamin as he was unloading the bags from the truck.

“Sergeant. Could you spare a moment?” She approached politely but not meekly, then stopped short taking in a sharp breath before getting everything under control, she had heard about the resemblance but still hadn't thought it was quite that similar. “You really do share Jack’s features.” She murmured softly.

“Pardon, Ma’am.” He offered, trying not to offend but having no real clue or desire to know appropriate greetings for a regent.

“No, I’m sorry, I’m the one who should be begging your pardon. I ambushed you. I just wanted to thank you for your help and apologize for what you’ve been put through while you were in my country.” She tucked a paper in his hand. “This is my information, I want you to contact me if you need anything, and please give that to anyone who asks for an endorsement as well.”

Bucky stood firmly with his boots planted in place, resisting the foreign urge to shift his weight from foot to foot, why did he feel so awkward in front of this woman? She was friendly and kind, soft and – she was knowing. If she knew what he was, then why did she insist on this?

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand why you would do this? Clearly you don’t know me or everything I’ve done or you wouldn’t be offering to give such testimonial. I’m not saying I’m not appreciative, I just don’t think you know what you’re getting into.” He faltered, completely overwhelmed by so much conviction coming from so many places.

“I have seen what a man can be manipulated to do, and I understand that what was done to you was far worse, even, than that. I am grateful to you for your help in rescuing my country. I know your motivations had nothing to do with us, but I am still indebted to you not only for your aid, but because it was in my country’s name you were incarcerated. You deserve a chance to start over and if I can help in any way, then it’s the least I can do.”

“You had no part in my imprisonment and like I told your husband, my fight was against Hydra, and for my friend.” Bucky nearly left it at that, but dismissing her felt wrong somehow. After all, it wasn’t her fault he felt uncomfortable with her praise and gratitude, “however, you’re very warm-hearted and generous, thank you.”

Michelle stepped closer, aware that she was encroaching on his personal space but her soft gaze never left his eyes. She placed her hands on his shoulders as she raised up to place a kiss on his cheek, “I thought you resembled Jack, and you do – but you don’t.” she said casually.

Bucky hesitated while she slowly stepped back, gently caressing his arms, with no visible reaction to the difference in metal versus flesh, as she withdrew from his space, “I’m sure he’s well.” He finally managed, offering her some hope of her own, “I hear he’s really working on changing.”

“Thank you, yes, I’ve heard the same. When I talked to him, well, he _sounded_ different.” She looked up at Bucky, “seeing you earlier this morning after all that, at first, it was like he’d come home. He’d had that same look when I saw him last. I’m happy to say he sounds like he’s found something good since then, and I know you can find that too.”

“You miss him. I’ll tell you what, I’ll let him know, to thank you for sending me off with hope.” Bucky offered her a smile, stooping to pick up the bags he’d dropped at his feet. He waved the paper as he walked backward a few steps before turning and ducking into the aircraft.

The tormented look she’d recognized that morning was so far from the warm look he’d just graced her with, “Go in peace Sergeant.” Michelle said softly, with a warm smile, as she watched him go.

Steve had noticed the exchange from the front of the aircraft where he was talking with one of the techs, he had watched carefully as Michelle approached Bucky, waiting for signs of stress that might require his intervention. Instead he saw his friend’s tense posture soften. Steve kept watching as he continued his own conversation. Relieved that it appeared to go well, he waited a moment after Bucky disappeared into the craft before he approached Michelle.

“How much trouble am I in?” Steve asked from behind her.

“I took all the blame, Captain.” She turned to look up at him with a soft smile, “Besides, shouldn’t it be expected, that the hostess sees off her guests?”

“The queen’s sendoff?” he quipped.

“Ah, not yet. I have to follow channels even now. But I suppose for argument’s sake, that’s close enough.” Michelle’s smile faltered.

“Thanks for making the extra effort with him.”

“That was not extra effort, Captain. He deserves to hear gratitude and kindness, I needed to express it. Thank you for letting me ambush him.” Michelle grinned. “Be safe Captain, and please, see that Jack knows he is safe and welcome here in Gilboa any time. Thank you for being my emissary in this.”

“It’s my pleasure.” Steve stepped off toward the aircraft with a lighter demeanor. His thoughts hadn’t been as pleasant in as long as he could remember, watching Bucky walk away from Michelle with a wave and a smirk propelled him back to that night when he’d saluted Steve before he shipped off, it was a bittersweet déjà vu to recognize that small similarity.

“You look smug, you arranged that run-in didn’t you?” Sam accused.

“Smug? No, thoughtful. I did not. I knew she wanted to say something to him and I agreed not to warn him off. That’s all I had to do with that.” He smirked.

“Yeah, you set him up, good luck flying home with him now.” Sam chuckled.

Steve was fine with any accusations that would come his way, seeing a flicker of his friend, even if for a moment, was enough to push through any harsh words or sullen stares he might receive. “Sam, ‘setting up’ implies some sort of planning and guaranteeing results. What I did was let Michelle know that I wouldn’t say anything about her wish to still try to thank him. He had to expect it after ducking out this morning.”

“I’m just glad I’m not you.” Sam smirked, ducking through the low entryway.

Steve chuckled, dismissing the good-natured warning, there were far worse things between and behind them.

When Steve took the pilot’s seat, Bucky threw Sam a sidelong glare, “seriously?” he asked. “You’re seriously going to tell me that **you’re** Air Force and you’re letting this man fly??”

Sam couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “You’ve been doing your research.”

“You think I’m kidding? He crashed a plane, Sam. He took the fucking helicarriers down. You want to live your life like that? I’m just getting mine back. Ain’t no way I’m goin down.” he crossed the space, “Move it kid.” He said gruffly to Steve.

Sam’s laughter almost drowned out the sound of the engines Steve had fired up, Steve looked up from the seat, dumbfounded.

“Bucky,” Steve protested, convinced that Sam was laughing his last laugh if he didn’t cut it out. “Think about it, how do you think we got here?”

“Well, I’d hoped you’d used an actual pilot.”

“You’re not a real pilot until you’ve crashed your first plane,” Sam laughed from behind them.

“Yeah? How do you feel about lying under the ocean for 70 years, sparrow??” Bucky let the serious tone drop a notch and looked at Sam with a wink.

Steve squirmed a little, hoping there was a joke somewhere in this uncomfortable topic, until he recognized the devilish look that Bucky leveled at Sam.

“If you’re so nervous, you’d better go strap in.” Steve quipped with an imitation glare.

“You crash this plane and I swear I will haunt you both.” Bucky said gruffly, sitting next to Sam.


	25. Chapter 25

“TJ, take a deep breath.” Jack ordered as he smoothed TJ’s collar, “We’ve got plenty of time.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” TJ complained, “You didn’t completely forget to turn on the alarm and nearly miss –”

“Stop.” Jack gripped TJ’s shoulders, “You haven’t missed a thing, you're sabotaging yourself. You slept at the most 15 minutes later than your alarm would have gone off, so we have to rush just a little, you are meeting your _own_ attorneys and don’t have to present anything.” Jack continued as he brushed TJ’s shaky fingers away from the button placket and proceeded to button his shirt for him, “You can be anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes late to something like this. Walk in there with the attitude that you belong there, with an air of authority but don’t be haughty. Greet them calmly and remain genuine and don’t let them see you sweat.”

“Jack, thank you. I… I just…” Jack took TJ’s wrist and started buttoning the cuff, but stopped and grasped both wrists, interrupting TJ’s explanation.

“It’s been a hard 48 hours. It’s ok, we’ve both had a lot to stress over.” He looked TJ in the eye, “You’re going to ace this, we’ll get some lunch and then we’ll go home with documents to read at our leisure. Tell them you’ll get the information back to them by next Monday. We can take the paperwork with us, review it on the plane. Breathe.”

TJ closed his eyes and breathed in and out before opening them. “Ok.”

“Ok.” Jack repeated, finishing the cuffs of TJ’s shirt. “Now _I’m_ getting dressed. There’s some juice on the table, drink some, and please have a little toast. You can’t go in there hungry.”

“You’re quite the mother hen.” TJ teased, crossing the room “I don’t think juice is the best idea.”

“White grape, it will do you good. It won’t mess with your nervous stomach, and try it. I said so.” Jack ordered as he pulled on his pants.

“You did this while I was trying not to panic in the shower?”

“Yes. Are you eating? This mother hen is going to cluck at you until you do.” Jack slipped the t-shirt over his head then put his arms around TJ’s waist.

“Yes, I’m eating.” TJ tore off a bit of toast and stuffed it into his mouth. “See.”

“I like this. Challenge me some more, it means you’re not crumbling like you’d started to. Juice.” He ordered as he crossed the room again for his button-up shirt.

TJ took a swig of juice, “I’m sorry Jack. I’m not trying to be a diva.”

“Apology rule.” Jack said simply as he buttoned his shirt.

“Fine.” TJ squared his shoulders, watching Jack put his shoes on, “Fine.”

“You were about to apologize again.” Jack smirked, as he put a hand on TJ’s hip and kissed his cheek, “You’re not being a diva. You’re nervous. There’s a difference.”

“I’m trying not to cross the line between the two. Usually nerves aren’t so easy to squash.”

“Embrace them, tame a few, but hold onto a few. They’ll keep you sharp. Come on, everything’s ready, we’re ready.” Jack pressed his hand to the small of TJ’s back and gave him a little push toward the door. “We even have a car waiting. I took care of everything.”

*

“I’d have blown today for sure if it weren’t for you.” TJ said as he slid across the seat in the car. “Thanks for taking care of me this morning. I was falling apart.”

“You’re going to have your hands full with me over the next few days, so remember that.” Jack responded quietly, settling in next to him.

TJ glanced down, seeing Jack’s hand balled up in a fist on his knee. He covered it with his hand, closing his fingers tenderly over the tense knuckles. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m –” Jack sighed, relaxing his hand under TJ’s touch, “I’m not sure. I didn’t – even when I was angry, even when I was making my worst choices, I tried to keep this from happening. I didn’t want this for them.”

“I know, complicated relationships are so fucked up.” TJ squeezed Jack’s hand reassuringly, “You shouldn’t be worrying about my shit right now. Tell me what you need from me.”

“I need you to let me worry about your shit.” Jack responded, “I need to make myself useful so I’m not idly thinking about things. So this meeting goes on. We go to lunch. You get to your NA meeting with Janie and I’ll see you both when you get home.”

“Are you sure you’ll be ok alone?”

“It might not be a terrible idea,” Jack considered, “spending an hour or two by myself. I think I can handle it. It won’t be like it was the last time I was alone, at least I know someone I can talk to is going to be no more than a phone call away. I’ve got you, Janie, Sam, and Steve all at my fingertips.”

“Yes, you do. Ok then, I’m not too proud to admit that it’s me who needs the TLC. We’re late.”

“Yeah, we’re almost there, so relax. They’ll make us wait anyway. Call ahead if it makes you feel better; tell them we’re in the lobby. Don’t look at me like that – by the time you get through we’ll probably be walking into the lobby. Go on, call them.”

TJ did as suggested, taking confidence in Jack’s ease with this. He didn’t mind the gentle guidance and less gentle nudges. He was enjoying the unquestioning support. “Thanks Jack.” He said as they got out of the car, just a couple minutes after announcing that they were in the lobby.

Jack’s smile was soft, half formed, and TJ knew he was still much more distracted than he wanted to let on. TJ decided he’d let it slide until the meeting was through but not beyond that. Jack shouldn’t be expected to bear his burden alone.

The ruse might have worked for them, or the attorneys might have been ready for them, either way, they didn’t have to languish in the waiting area for more than a couple of minutes. “Mr. Hammond, please come in.” TJ was greeted by a tall man with an easy smile. “I’m William Shea, I’ve got the paperwork right in my office.”

“Mr. Shea, this is Jack Benjamin, he’s here as an advisor.”

“Mr. Benjamin, I’m pleased to meet you.” He shook Jack’s hand, only giving the slightest glance between the two, “Please call me Will.”

“Will it is.” Jack smiled, “Thank you for entertaining my whim to come along, please call me Jack.”

“First names all around, I’m TJ. I want to apologize for not meeting you in person when I retained your services. This past week has been very busy.”

“Understandable, please, come have a seat. I want this to be informal; the offer we’ve hammered out the details on is demanding enough without all the formalities.”

“Will,” TJ started as he lowered himself to the sofa he was led to, “do you know? Are my requests too unreasonable? I know I’m selling a product, but I’m also selling my skill and part of my soul, I don’t want to lose the rights to my soul.”

“TJ, you’ve obviously done your homework, artists are always losing their rights because they leap into the first amazing offer they receive. I’m not saying that the first offer is never the best, but unlike you, they don’t think to ask after their rights.” Will sat in the chair next to the sofa, regarding first TJ’s eager face then Jack’s contemplative one. “Your legal, intellectual property rights are our number one concern and are central to any deals.”

“If you want to hire on with Oakson, I can tell you from experience dealing with him in the past, that he’s the genuine article. He actually cares not only for the artists he represents but for _his_ songwriters and musicians. He’s managed to work in a system that has fallen apart and rebuilt itself as a new entity following the digitization of music. He works for _music_ instead of working for an industry.”

Taking in the skeptical look on Jack’s face, Will could tell he was getting too lost in details, “Ok, no, I’m not trying to sell you on him, I’m not an advisor, I’m an attorney. I’ve had to hammer out some serious details with him in the past, which made handling this case much more familiar territory, because as he’ll tell you, he “has to make money too”.”

“I understand that, of course.” TJ sat forward, biting his lip nervously, “Maybe if we can get into specifics, you can explain any brick walls we might come up against.”

“Certainly.” Will agreed, opening the bound document and handing it to TJ. He picked up two more copies from the center of the coffee table and handed one to Jack, open to the pages in question.

The meeting had started out with TJ’s stomach in knots, his nerves just this side of frazzled and all he wanted was to run. Having Jack literally at his back helped get him through the door and as the lawyer started talking, essentially reassuring TJ that he wasn’t creating crazy barriers, he started to settle in. The lawyer knew enough about music to reassure him further and TJ knew enough about law through osmosis growing up with his parents and his brother, to feel even more comfortable.

At one point TJ found himself distracted by a thought that stuck in the back of his mind. Recognizing that he wanted to toy with it more, he pushed it aside in order to get through the meeting, and learn what the lawyer wanted him to know.

“Bottom line, TJ. I cannot recommend you go into this with the terms that Oakson is offering. He’s offering to hire you as an employee. If he hires you, you do not own your copyright. The terms in this document are all ready to go if you wish to become his employee.”

“He seemed so agreeable.” TJ said, obviously deflated.

“Of course, and in all likelihood he will take great care of you as your employer. I don’t expect he was remotely aware of how clever you are. He did seem surprised when our firm contacted him.”

“He was looking to take advantage of me, either due to my naiveté or my personal history.” TJ was hurt, bordering on angry

“It’s possible. I have a couple of suggestions, if you’d like some advice?”

TJ wrung his hands in his lap, not breaking eye contact with Will. “What do you suggest?”

“You have options with Oakson, you can still go into his employ. That is a steady income allowing you more songwriting experience. It’s also problematic because you will be forfeiting anything you create while you are an employee. Even if we wrote complicated contractual agreements, they’d be hard to uphold in court.

“We can try to negotiate with Oakson for you to write as a freelance songwriter. He doesn’t do that _often_ but I have a feeling he really wants your talents under his umbrella or he would have told us when we called, either that he had reconsidered, or had filled the position.

“Or, you can move forward with a list of publishers that I have included in the back of this packet and we can tell Oakson that he needs to look elsewhere.”

“How long before he needs a decision.” TJ asked, after taking a deep breath.

“Two weeks from today is what I told him _we_ needed.”

“Will.” TJ got to his feet, “Thank you for your help, your honesty, and all of your hard work. It looks like I have a lot to think about. Thank you for buying me the time to do so.”

“It’s not only my job, it’s my pleasure. Please let me know what you decide.”

TJ maintained his composure clear down to the car. He was silent, and Jack could see the tension in TJ’s shoulders and neck before he ever saw his white knuckles gripping the bound document from the attorney. Jack stayed back, until he had to close the distance inside the car. Only when his knee brushed TJ’s and TJ didn’t whip it away did he feel like maybe he could offer reassurance.

Jack laid his hand softly on TJ’s knee.

“Holding on by a thread, Jack.” TJ said quietly. Jack heard no malice in TJ’s voice, he didn’t take it as a warning, so he maintained the contact. “I could really use a drink.” TJ ground out, “or a hit of something. Fuck, even a smoke.”

Jack looked up at TJ, seeing hurt and anger written all over his face. “I’m only going to offer you lunch.”

“Someplace with just fucking soda, right?”

“Yup.” Jack slipped the document from TJ’s fists and folded his hand over one of TJ’s tense hands. “It’s a kick in the nuts, but it’s good to know now.”

“Fuck.” TJ growled.

“Yeah, shitty. So are you really going to take two weeks to decide what to do about that lying fuck? Do you think he’d play you again?”

“Way to keep the shit rolling, Jack.” TJ griped.

“What should I say, TJ? “Where do we stop?” “Do you want me to pour the liquor down your throat?” What? Huh?”

“Fuck you.” TJ spat, angry at Jack, angry with himself, and the world.

“Yeah, maybe that would just do the trick. You haven’t had a good fuck in days.” Jack surged from the seat violently, turning to face TJ. “Know how I know? Neither have I.”

“Don’t fucking flatter yourself.” TJ grumbled.

“Not on your life, pal.” Jack returned, angry and even a little hurt.

TJ gripped Jack’s jacket lapels and pulled him to him, claiming Jack’s mouth with his own.

Jack whipped the privacy panel closed and drew away from TJ’s mouth, looking into his eyes. Seeing the fire and rage that burned in TJ made Jack hesitate a moment before swinging a leg over TJ’s thighs and gripping his waistband. He tugged, flipping the button open and wrenching the zipper down. He plunged his hand between the fabric and TJ’s hot skin, mercilessly gripping his length in one hand.

TJ yanked Jack back to resume his assault on Jack’s mouth, thrusting his tongue into Jack’s mouth as Jack wrested TJ’s strained cock with one hand and groped his balls through the fabric in the other. TJ thrust his hips in response, biting down on Jack’s lip as Jack stroked him aggressively.

“Ow! You fucker.” Jack complained mid kiss, tugging more violently as TJ’s orgasm peaked.

Several moments passed, TJ rested his head on the seat back, breathing heavily.

Jack watched as TJ worked to level his breathing. “You good now?” Jack asked quietly, unbuttoning his stained shirt and shrugging out of it and his jacket. He used the soiled shirt to clean TJ’s exposed skin, his touch tender.

“No, but that – rage – is not rushing through me so I guess I’m better.” TJ looked at Jack, taking in his swollen lips, mussed hair, and soft blue tee shirt, “Thank you? I’m sorry I’m an ass?”

“You’re fine TJ, I’m sorry I provoked you. You know, you did amazingly well in there Kitten.” Jack’s hand lovingly roamed along TJ’s thigh to his knee. “I was impressed, you didn’t need me at all.”

“I did.” TJ protested, “I admit, I did come around eventually, but I was glad you were there.” He kissed Jack softly before lightly running his thumb over Jack’s lower lip, “I think I might have given you a fat lip.”

“I guess violent kissing is a better method for getting one than a fist to the jaw.” Jack smirked, wincing at the pain.

“I’m sorry I was an ass.” TJ repeated.

“You’re forgiven. I’m sorry for the things I said TJ. It was an unfair attack.”

As the car stopped at the curb, Jack unbuttoned TJ’s shirt “You’re not gonna want to wear this.”

TJ’s laugh as he took off the shirt was almost indiscernible but Jack caught it and smiled. TJ fixed his pants while Jack rolled both soiled shirts up and stepped out of the car. TJ unfolded himself from the car as Jack stuffed the laundry into the bag the driver stoically set at his feet.

“I wonder if they ever get used to that.” TJ smirked, referring to the driver, as he tugged his tee shirt down to cover his waist.

“I wonder how often they get off to it.” Jack laughed. “Come on, I don’t know about you, but I am hungry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boys are messing with my feelings, this wound up 12,000 words so I'm splitting it into manageable pieces.


	26. Chapter 26

Seated inside the cozy, modern Italian restaurant, Jack was pleased to see evidence of TJ calming even further from his disappointment. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for some food.” He smiled encouragingly.

“I’m not even sure how hungry I am. I don’t know what’s distress and what’s hunger.” TJ admitted.

Jack watched as TJ sat quietly, he looked distracted and was barely, if at all, looking at his menu.

“You want me to choose? You’re not going to care no matter what I pick the way you’re ignoring that menu.”

“Huh?” TJ looked at Jack, trying to recall anything he might have said, “I’m sorry Jack, I was lost in my thoughts.”

“Food, should I choose for you?”

TJ looked over his menu in earnest, “Chicken I guess, the Scarpariello should do.”

“Do you want to talk about what’s got you distracted? I know the meeting wasn’t what you expected.”

“Of course I had an idea of this, and of course I didn’t want to think anything about the possibility of failing so I peeled away all of the reality and just made it into something it wasn’t. I know it was unrealistic to just think I could waltz into the city and have offers thrown at my feet, but they both sounded so good Jack.”

“Of course they did, you still have other things to pursue, and this one still has merit if you want to try going at it as a freelance songwriter. If you ask me, freelance is your ticket.”

“I had a thought back at the lawyer’s office, before he dropped the bomb and now I can’t get it out of my head.”

“Something good I hope?”

“Jack, it could be really, really good or it could be really, really terrible.” TJ paused, wringing his hands, “I mean, I have better than a basic introduction to law, simply due to exposure being around my family. What if I went into that line of work, but in entertainment law? I know I’d make a terribly old intern, but who says I couldn’t do it? If I could try it out, I could get a feel for it that way and then if it was a good fit, I could go back to school. I could still keep writing in the meantime.”

“If that’s what you really want to do don’t let anyone stop you. Make sure though. Ask yourself, are you thinking about this because of the two rejections? Or because you have a _passion_ for law _and_ music?”

“I don’t know. I could find out though.”

“In the meantime, I agree with Will, I don’t recommend you go the employee route with Oakson, freelance or nothing with him and not exclusive either. If you can get your foot in the door as an intern, I say who can it hurt? As long as you’re not settling.”

TJ sighed, “Yeah, that’s the part that troubles me. Am I settling? Then again the idea did occur before everything went to shit.”

“Well, the good news, then, is that you have time to research it and keep plowing forward with your music while you figure it out.” Jack reassured TJ.

A bubbly server stopped at their table enthusiastically offering the wine menu, “No thanks, could we start with water? I think I’d like a cappuccino with my meal though.” TJ responded automatically then reconsidered, “Unless you want a glass, Jack?”

“No thanks. I think I’ll have the same.” Jack smiled at ‘Bethany’. “Please.”

She took their food order and promised to return then flitted away. They sat quietly, Jack watched TJ fiddle with his phone and frown.

After a long silence, TJ finally spoke, “I wish people would stop doing that.”

“What? Being friendly and working for tips? Being adorable and perky?”

“Not ordering alcohol around me.” TJ glared at Jack.

“Don’t get all emo on me again, TJ. I would have a glass if I wanted one."

TJ looked at Jack with a look that said 'I don't believe you'.

"TJ, I honestly don’t know if I want to start a week that includes going home for my family’s funeral service with booze or wine, I think I should keep it straight. I respect you, but I’m doing it for me.”

“Sorry. Lashing out. It’s a hazard. I’m sorry I’ve been hypersensitive today."

"You have, and rightfully so. It was a shitty revelation." Jack reached across the table and covered the hand that was plucking at the flatware and napkin roll. He gave TJ a soft look. 

"Dammit that news really threw me today Jack! I’m so pissed at myself for not being more realistic about what was going to happen.”

“It’s ok to feel that way.” Jack answered.

They talked about different avenues to explore for TJ's music until their lunch was served. Jack took a drink of the water and cringed, forgetting his fattened lip. He plucked a cube of ice out and held it to his lip for a second before continuing, “You know that anger and embarrassment you feel? Imagine what you’re going to do differently so that you don’t feel those things next time.”

“You’re life-coaching me again.” TJ smirked against his will, “you should really consider that line of work, asshole.”

“And get called an asshole all day? No thanks.” Jack took a bite of his pasta before continuing, “I’ll continue my plan to work for the Avengers.”

TJ contemplated his Chicken Scarpariello before breaking off a hunk of bread and dipping it into the sauce. “You shouldn’t let me get away with that, Jack, I’m sorry, I’m the asshole.” He frowned, biting into the saucy bread.

“Hey, shitty day, you get a pass. How’s the chicken?”

“Haven’t gotten that far, bread’s great, sauce is too.” TJ took a bite of the tender chicken, “mm.hmm,” he muttered, “yeah, this is excellent. Great choice of restaurants, Jack. How’s the linguine and shrimp?”

“Remarkable.” Jack replied, drinking gingerly from his cup, “TJ, I want to say something that is going to sound like pandering, but hear me out before you dismiss it. I know you’re going to have all kinds of work to keep you way too busy and very soon, so please don’t be too concerned about today. Consider this; you can’t call either of your attempts last week failures, because you didn’t fall for the tricks. You used your intellect and instinct and kept out of trouble two out of two times.”

“Life lessons. Right. I wasn’t being realistic and I got my hopes up too quickly, a la TJ Hammond. The upside is that I did see the red flags and I did listen to the warning signs. You’re right, I could have screwed up pretty seriously, but I didn’t. Score one for ole TJ.”

Jack was satisfied with the bulk of TJ’s reply, the final comment was a bit too sarcastic for his liking, but he left it, calling TJ on his sarcasm would lead to nothing good. “Score two.” He corrected. “You faced each hurdle independently, therefore two wins.”

“Fine, you sure are the sunshine police today aren’t you?” there was no malice behind the words, just a tired frustration.

“Yes. I’m practicing for later this week.” Jack said, sarcastically.

“Shit, I am an asshole. I’m sorry, you keep reminding me, and I keep forgetting. Let me try this “all new Jack Benjamin” self-help plan.” TJ smiled endearingly, “We’re going to go, and you’re going to introduce me to your sister and her family. We’ll see and do everything that constitutes a good memory during those times that you don’t have to be present for appearances. All while avoiding my mother and probably my father.”

“Shit.” Jack dropped his fork, “you know what I just realized? This is the first time I’ll be seen in public with a man.”

“You don’t want me to hide do you? This is all about embracing who you want to be, right?” TJ’s heart was pounding and he could imagine Jack’s was too, with the high color burning his cheeks. This is the real life shit they haven’t exactly discussed yet.

“I don’t want you to hide; I want to protect you though. I don’t know what kind of hard looks and cruel comments you might have to face.” Jack looked up over his cappuccino at TJ’s sigh – of relief?

“I’ve been out for over half my life, and there isn’t a stare, glare, or nasty remark I haven’t faced.” TJ reassured Jack with a sad look, “You haven’t though.”

“I have. For other reasons. Don't worry, I’m a tough nut to crack, I think. Maybe that’s just the old me, here I’ve allowed myself to be uncharacteristically soft.”

“I think I know you well enough to point out that you just made an “old Jack Benjamin” statement.” TJ said softly, taking another bite between comments, “You’re not soft, you’re embracing who you are, and if that means feeling emotions, call it what it is. Don’t make it out that around me you’re suddenly out of character.”

Jack studied TJ, watching for a heightened emotional state or a breakdown waiting in the wings. He waited, contemplating his response. This kind of walking on eggshells wasn’t something he was used to but he knew as rough as TJ was feeling, he was still not out of the woods from the afternoon. Jack continued when he was convinced that he couldn’t pick up the slightest trace of self-pity or remorse in TJ’s statement.

“It’s not you TJ.”

“No, it’s not." TJ's reply shocked Jack, "It’s you and that’s ok. It’s like Doug said the other day, about the honeymoon phase, but not about us as a couple.” TJ took a drink of his water, then continued, talking with his hands as much as his words, “For you and your newfound freedom, you’re finally able to go outside and hold hands with and kiss a man and tell everyone you want to (if you want to) that you’re fucking him (me). That’s because nobody here knows you. Once you go home you’ll be dealing with people you’ve known forever, some know or suspect but others are going to have a huge shock and you’ve just realized it. Let me tell you something, some of the ones you shock are going to be more supportive than some who’ve suspected it all along.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m coming back here.” Jack protested, tearing off a hunk of bread a little too aggressively.

“It does matter, and that’s ok. It matters because we’re going to be there, center of attention for as long as we’re there, and because we’ll go back to visit.”

“Ok it matters and it’s hard not to revert back into that repressed feeling.”

“I know what that’s like. Reverting is my specialty. So, I’ll be at your side when you need me to,” TJ looked pointedly at Jack, “and I’ll step away when you ask me to, I want you to do what makes you feel comfortable in the moment. Just promise me you won’t be over the top about the booze - which I’m sure will be flowing freely. Have some if you want, and don’t feel you have to babysit me, you’ll have enough to stress about – I’m not about to add to it. Not to mention my folks will already be there eagle-eyed and waiting for me to fuck something up.”

“I trust you TJ. I won’t be babysitting you, or sniffing your glass or any other nonsense. I’ll judge my own ability to handle the situation and the booze when the time comes. Return favor? Don’t get weird on me if I don’t drink. By the way, I’m probably no less stressed at the idea of dealing with the people who hurt you with no qualms just yesterday than you are. I'm going to have to be civil to them, in person no less. I can already feel an acute anxiety waiting in the wings over this whole trip.”

“I’m sorry they’re coming.” TJ said quietly.

“You’re apologizing for something out of your control, world leaders, remember? Whether or not we were ever introduced to each other, they’d have gone to my parents’ funeral.  Jesus.” Jack paled, “If I hadn’t been locked away I could have been right where they are, Michelle too.”

That brand new revelation made the shrimp in front of him very unappealing and the food he already ate roiled in Jack’s stomach. Jack pushed the plate away and closed his eyes to fight the swell of nausea. TJ’s own nerves were pricked by the thought, but he reached across the table for Jack’s hand. “Don’t forget to breathe.” TJ coached sympathetically, “Jack, it’s ok, it’s ok to have survived, and it’s ok to be glad for it.”

Instinct bubbled under the surface, Jack recognized the tantrum as he tore his hand from TJ’s, his eyes flicked to TJ’s and he felt ashamed, “I’m sorry.” Jack ground out, biting back a sob and willing away tears. “I…”

TJ managed to keep the hurt from showing as he sat quietly, waiting. He wasn’t going to say ‘it’s ok,’ or anything else, he didn't want to miss an opportunity for jack to say what he was struggling to say.

“Talk about reverting.” Jack breathed raggedly, “thank you TJ.”

“You’re welcome, I think.” TJ’s voice was hesitant, “Are you ok Jack?”

“No, but I’m not about to fall apart here.” Jack managed roughly, holding his hand out for TJ to take again.

TJ brushed Jack's fingers with his own. “Let me get the check and we can leave, you don’t have to push it aside.” TJ caught Bethany’s attention and requested the check. She gathered the food to package ‘to-go’ and promised to return.

“If I do, I can keep doing it and eventually it won’t even be a problem.” Jack said emotionlessly.

“No, that’s not happening. You and I both know that’s not healthy. We’re leaving.” TJ rose, stopping to sign the credit card receipt and thank Bethany. He slipped his jacket back on and took the bag she handed him, before shouldering both his and Jack’s bags. “Come on, Jack.”

Jack looked up at TJ’s outstretched hand and the take-no-prisoners determination on his face and realized that things had been happening around him between his pushing away his plate and now without his noticing. He took TJ’s hand and followed him out of the restaurant.

TJ was quiet as they walked, tightening his fingers around Jack’s hand occasionally. Each time he’d turn to look at Jack, he’d see his profile, the set of his jaw anything but relaxed. A muscle twitched occasionally. TJ wasn’t good at this, caretaking? Seriously? He had no experience and very little in the way of an example of what to do.

TJ pulled out his phone and called Janie’s cell. He cursed when he got the voicemail, he tried her office next, and was put on hold. Finally, TJ sent a text to Janie that just said “call me” and then he called Doug.

“Hey, TJ. How are ya?”

“Thanks for not saying “is everything ok” in the first breath, shows growth Bro. Now, for the sentence you’ve heard for years, 'I need help, Dougie'.”

“What’s wrong?” Doug could imagine any number of things, this was TJ after all, but he focused solely on the clarity and urgency of TJ’s voice.

“I don’t know how to do this – Jack is really hurting – he’s, I just don’t know how to offer him the support he needs and I don’t know who to ask.”

“You can always ask me anything, I can’t say I have the answer – same gene pool as you, after all. I don’t even know what to ask you. Tell me what’s happening.”

“He just realized he could have been in the same circumstances as his parents, and he withdrew – we were having lunch and he just started shutting down and I don’t know how to deal with that.”

“Are you at home or a restaurant?”

“Somewhere in-between, closer to home now.”

“Somewhere in-between? Taxi?”

“Nah, we’re walking – it was a short walk and I thought at first it would be good to give Jack time but I – I just don’t know what to do, I mean, Dougie, it’s like he’s just checked out. I’m freaking out here and the one person I call when I'm freaking out is apparently in a meeting or something. I couldn’t get through to Janie.”

“You got through to me. You can do this, TJ. Get him inside and make him comfortable. You’re not going to freak out. You said he was in communication with his sister, can you call her, and maybe she can talk to him?”

“See that’s why I called you – you’re a genius.”

“How close are you to home? I have a few minutes I can hang on until you get inside if luck holds.”

“Thank you for not dismissing me Dougie. Thanks for the advice too, I guess sometimes two heads are better than one.” TJ looked at Jack who was still really in his own head.

Jack heard the concern in TJ’s voice as well as feeling the reassuring squeeze occasionally to his hand but he couldn't bring himself to focus beyond that. He couldn’t even put words to what thoughts were in his head; mostly he was trying not to toss his lunch. The fear of being killed had always spurred him forward; he’d feared could be next if he hadn’t done his uncle’s dirty work; he could have died at his father’s hand more than once; he could have been killed trying to escape; he could have been killed if he was deported.

Those threats had spurred him ahead in the attempt to save himself, and to find out there had been a hidden threat in Hydra’s infiltration of Gilboa was one too many death treats for Jack’s comfort. He had a clear vision of his parents’ dead bodies put on display between the time of their demise and being found by Sam, Steve, and David. What had made him ill was the image of his and Michelle’s bodies being laid out in the same way; decaying until they were found. That had been enough to push him into this strange, practically out-of-body experience.

“I’m just outside the building now, Doug, thanks for hanging on – I need to juggle keys and bags so I’ll let you go.”

“TJ, you can do this. Let me know how Jack’s doing after you get settled. I can’t imagine the thoughts he’s entertaining right now, I can try to get out of this if you need me to.”

“In case you’re worried this is going to push me over. I have to tell you, I already had a moment today and trust me the sooner Janie gets home the better I’ll feel.”

“Not making me feel good TJ. Call me when you are inside.”

TJ ended the call and pulled out the keys, “Jack, honey, if you can talk to me,” He said softy as he crossed the threshold of the building. “Tell me what you need.”

Jack let TJ lead him through the entryway and into the elevator before he sagged against TJ. TJ took his weight and supported Jack, knowing he’d been the one to be carried so many times in the past, and realizing that most of the time they’d been together; Jack had been the one to carry him.

Once inside the apartment Jack pushed TJ aside and rushed for the bathroom where he finally lost the battle to keep his food down. The images just wouldn’t leave his head, his parents, his sister, David, himself. He couldn’t shake it; he crouched, alternatively weeping and vomiting. TJ righted himself from where he crashed into the door jamb; he had been shocked at the violence of Jack’s shove before he realized the reason and Jack’s destination. He set things down at the door and texted Doug “Will call in a few” before he slowly approached Jack. He stopped to wet the hand towel that was hanging nearby with cool water and crouched next to Jack, placing the towel on the back of his neck.

Jack felt the soothing patterns of TJ’s hand trailing up and down his back. The cool cloth on his neck was welcome, and he leaned against TJ as he pulled away from the toilet. The unlit bathroom came into focus as Jack pulled the towel from his neck and used it to wipe his eyes and then his mouth.

“Jesus I’m a fucking mess.” He moaned, leaning against TJ’s side.

“Welcome to the club.” TJ said lightly, “and welcome back.”

TJ helped Jack stand and stepped aside while Jack rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth. As he waited, he called Doug back, “Hey Dougie – we might be ok, so far so good here in the place. I think he purged half of the emotional toxins along with what started out to be a pretty decent shrimp linguine.”

Doug made a distinct gagging sound before speaking “and you? How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine.” TJ paused, “Hell no, scratch that, I’ll live but this threw me. I’m in a safe place and Janie should be home soon and to be honest I’m really not as freaked out now that he’s spoken to me.”

“Thank goodness for small favors – I’m still in the city, I’m coming by.” No asking, no nonsense Doug, but this time TJ was going to ignore the urge to push him away.

“Ok, you haven’t seen the place anyway.” TJ answered, surprising Douglas, “See you in a few.”

TJ led Jack to the living room, still unsure of how to proceed, Jack seemed to be waiting for him to make the decisions, and it bothered him that Jack was so withdrawn still. He didn’t yet know what was in Jack’s head so he waited, maybe not patiently, but compassionately. Jack sprawled out across the sofa as soon as his calves hit the cushion and TJ just brushed his cheek before sitting at the piano looking at a very pale, quiet, remote Jack.

He turned to the keyboard and started playing lazily, breathing and swaying with the rhythm and hoping to soothe whatever was still haunting Jack. He was careful to steer clear of anything other than some of his own music with new notes strung in, not wanting to make matters worse with a familiar, memory evoking piece. TJ had settled into the Sunday piece that had been polished over the weekend, during moments when they weren't having dramatic interludes, by the time Doug was at the door. TJ buzzed him in and surrounded Doug with a bear hug when he came through the door.

“How is he? How are you?” Doug’s urgent voice was a relief and not an irritant this time.

“I’m concerned, but not panicking. He’s quiet and I don’t know what else. Fucked up he said, emotionally.” TJ clarified, not sure where Doug’s thoughts would take him if he left it hanging. “Come in, pull up a bench. I need to get a couple more chairs in here, there wasn’t much need before I started filling Janie’s place up with all of the people I’ve brought in here in the last week and a half.”

Jack appeared to have fallen asleep but TJ wasn’t altogether convinced that he actually had. TJ wasn’t going to make him move either. He did go to the arm of the sofa where Jack’s head rested and brushed his hair from his face, still hadn’t gotten a proper haircut, TJ observed.

Jack looked up at TJ and moved to sit, “Don’t, you’re ok there. Doug came to check on one of us, maybe both of us?” TJ looked from Jack to Douglas.

Jack looked up, and then scrambled to greet Doug properly, nearly swooning from the rush. TJ laid a firm hand on Jack’s shoulder, “I said don’t. Just relax. Tell us what’s set you running scared Jack.”

“I can’t get this horrible visual out of my head,” Jack leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. “It’s not real but it won’t go away.”

“TJ did you have a chance to call his sister?” Doug asked, crossing the room to sit at Jack’s side.

“No, I got distracted,” TJ went for Jack’s phone and pulled up Michelle’s information. He waited for her to answer, contemplating just handing the phone over or talking to her first. Her soft ‘hello’ motivated his decision. “Hello, Michelle, this is Thomas Hammond, TJ? I’m with your brother, he’s having a bad moment, and I thought maybe if you could talk to him…”

“Oh TJ, certainly, put him on.” She wasn’t sure what was going on but it seemed pleasantries for her brother’s boyfriend weren’t the priority so she didn’t waste the minutes. She heard a distant ‘OK’ and started talking, “Jack? Jack what’s wrong?”

“Michelle?” Jack closed his eyes and gripped the phone TJ had held for him, “What do you know about them? About their deaths?”

“Jack?” Michelle questioned, perplexed.

“Tell me what you know.” He said softly, his voice lacking any authority.

“They were shot and left where they fell, where David and Captain Rogers found them.” She said for the twelfth time today. At least it felt that way.

“How long?”

“Jack, what’s wrong, don’t you already know the details?”

“I want to hear it. I have an idea but I need to know.” Jack’s cheeks were streaked with tears. He barely felt TJ’s hand on his shoulder again.

“Two weeks, Jack. You couldn’t do any more about it than David or I could.”

“I was there when it happened and spared? Why? I could be rotting there right now.”

“But you’re not. It’s Hydra Jack. Who said they made sense? I’m glad you're not, whatever happened, you slipped their notice or whatever. I’m glad of it and you should be too.”

“Two weeks? Tell me you didn’t see…”

“No, like I told you, David wouldn’t let me and when he explained it I agreed, it’s bad enough that he saw. Jack whatever’s going on with you, TJ said you were having a bad moment, what’s happening? How can I help?”

“I think it’s just the shock, a thought hit me and I – I couldn’t  - can't get it out of my mind, talking to you is helping, and knowing that you’re safe.”

“Yes, I’m safe, and so are you. Jack? He cares, talk to TJ. Let him know how to help you because he’s closer than I am. Can you tell me what thought it was? If you can’t, will you please tell TJ?”

“I don’t want anyone to have that image, I can’t Michelle, I can’t.”

“Jack, tell someone, you have to talk to someone. TJ wants to help, I can’t be there, and I want to see you this week. I don’t want to find out you’ve wound up in the hospital. Talk to TJ. Let him decide if it’s too much to handle.”

“You don’t understand – I can’t.” Jack moaned, the images of his and his family’s bodies laid out to be found decaying were so strong and he feared breaking TJ with the content of ugliness in his head. He’d seen such carnage and didn’t want TJ to have to imagine it.

“I don’t want you torturing yourself with what I can only imagine is a horror story. The worse you make it sound the worse I’m going to imagine, so you might as well tell me or find a therapist, and soon.”

“I can’t get the image of them there for that long out of my head.” That was all he’d give her.

He heard her small gasp but she didn’t waste a second with it, “Ok, that’s horrible, but that’s not all is it? Jack, Sam told me he’d given you his contact in case you needed it. This sounds like one of those times, if you won't talk to TJ or me, please call Sam.”

TJ and Doug were a silent presence, TJ was trying to grasp any thread of the conversation that would help him reach out to Jack, and Doug was starting to worry that TJ was really in over his head with this one. TJ’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he slipped it out, answering swiftly, “Janie. Hey.”

“Shit TJ. I’m so sorry I was in one meeting after another, please tell me you’re alright?”

“Janie, I’m fine, but Jack had some kind of trauma, he’s not himself and I had _no idea_ how to handle it.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know” TJ gave Jack’s shoulder a squeeze before walking to the bedroom, “– we were talking and I’m pretty sure it’s about his parents’ death but he’s not willing to share any details. He made himself sick over it but he’s being a bear about letting it out. I don’t know how to help him Janes. Doug’s here, he had me call Jack’s sister and even that isn’t working. He’s tightlipped and weepy.” TJ’s voice shook.

“You’re not breathing, you’re worrying. Breathe first, worry second. I’ll be home in a bit. You don’t have to do this alone. Follow your brother’s lead and I’ll be there soon. We’ll help Jack together. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to answer your calls earlier, that really bothers me TJ.”

“You’re OK Janes, I figured it was work, I had a backup.”

“But that’s not how we work.”

“Janie, it’s how grownups work, I’m ok, honest.”

“It’s not how we work. I’m glad you’re ok, but TJ, that’s not our relationship. I betrayed your trust and I’ll do everything I can to not do that again.”

“You’re forgiven.” TJ almost smiled; given the afternoon he was having he figured that was a feat.

“Go take care of Jack.” Janie said, knowing he was humoring her.

“I’m going. Thanks Janes.” TJ finished the call as he made his way back to the living room. Nothing had changed except Jack was no longer on the phone. TJ crouched in front of Jack, “Hey, how’s Michelle?”

“She’s worried about me now,” Jack answered glumly.

“I'm sorry for worrying your sister. You have to know she's not the only one. I won’t sugar coat it. You’re not exactly inspiring confidence, talk to me please?” TJ settled his hands on Jack’s knees. “I hate that you can’t let me help you.”

“It’s not that TJ. I want to.”

“Ok, for whatever reason you can’t talk to me or to your sister, there’s got to be someone you can talk to. Can you call Sam? He said any time – would you talk to him if I give you space? I can go to the NA meeting and have Janie stay here with you. I don’t want you to be alone.”

“Jack,” Douglas spoke, “I can stay here while you call anyone you need to – that way TJ and Janie can go to the NA thing, and – I’ll stay out of your way.”

Something in Jack snapped, he collapsed into TJ’s arms, nearly tumbling from the sofa before TJ bore his weight, and he couldn’t control the tears. The more he wept the angrier he got but that just made him weep more. The whole thing crashed in on him, the months before his imprisonment, the year he spent locked up, and the anxiety of escaping. On top of that there were images of battle and death and his family laid out before him, Michelle and himself, included.

“Why are you doing this? Don’t you realize I don’t deserve this? It’s _all_ my fault, I brought it all down on everyone. I couldn’t see the real problem and then it was too late! My involvement weakened everything and let Hydra in, they killed them because I wasn’t good enough. I should have seen something but I was too embroiled in my own selfish shit to do my job.” Jack sobbed.

“Don’t deserve what sweetheart?”

“You people are all fools, every one of you – each one of you is a fool for trying to care about me. I should have let him kill me. I should have been strong enough to do it myself.”

“I won’t let you go there again, we covered this Jack. No more talk of death, you're stronger by living through it, not ending it. You were _not_ the reason Hydra got to the kingdom, you have to believe they were already working from the inside, building and growing and feeding the lines of dissent. They took everyone’s weaknesses and they exploited them and made things worse.”

“TJ’s right Jack. It couldn’t have just been a sudden attack,” Doug added, “they had to be building forces and breaking things down for some time. You know this deep down, you know politically it wasn’t a sudden move and you should also know you couldn’t do anything about it if you didn’t know about it. You’re lucky, you and your sister are lucky to have survived, you’re not the cause of this.”

“You can call me a fool until the day I die, Jack, but I won’t stop. I haven’t once **tried** to care about you. I’ve just **cared**. You are worthy of people caring. People do care about you, me and Janie, Dougie, Steve and Sam. You are the one who invited every one of us _fools_ to care about you by just being yourself.” TJ said, gripping Jack’s shoulders.

“Who’s a fool? And Why?” Janie asked as she came around the sofa, “I heard my name and fool… she tousled Jack’s hair, “when are you gonna let me cut this unruly mess?” she teased softly.

TJ loved Janie’s goofy approach but worried with Jack’s dark mood how it would go over, he watched carefully for any lashing out but Jack just took Janie’s offered hand and held it to his cheek after kissing it.

“Janie, what did he tell you?” Jack asked, looking at TJ, searching.

“That you are having a bad moment and can’t share what’s hurting you. Judging from the tears all over the place, you might have breached that particular barrier?”

TJ nodded, “That’s about where we are. Those ugly thoughts aren’t the one that’s haunting him though. I know you Jack, uglier than that? You need to let it out. Janie’s here or Dougie, if you can’t talk to me for some reason, or I’ll say it again, call Sam.”

“He’s right sweetheart, it’s just going to hurt more if you keep it inside, then whatever you do to make the hurt go away, lashing out, booze, horrible karaoke,” Janie said “it’ll take over.”

Doug shook his head, unable to mask a smile at the lightness Janie had about her approach.

Jack looked from Janie to Douglas, “You don’t have to stay.”

“I want to.” Doug said, placing a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “You mean a lot to TJ and I already told you what I think of you. I’ll stick around – nobody should be alone in a time like this. I’ll stay out of your way if you want, just be a silent observer, I’m pretty good at that.”

Jack’s gaze switched to TJ, “You really should go to that meeting, this was your shitty day first.”

“I’ll go, Janie and I will be leaving soon if you’re ok with Dougie here. Send Sam a text at least, huh? and text me if you need to, anything that comes to mind. Oh, and I’m fine with sharing my shitty days, but maybe someone we don’t know can have a turn instead of just you and me.”

“You two, you’re both at highly volatile moments in your lives individually. You’d be going through this shit on your own if you weren’t together, so don’t feel so bad about when your moments overlap. I’m impressed with the way you handle each other’s crap.” Janie said, rubbing circles on Jack’s back as she sat next to him on the arm of the sofa.

Jack felt raw but the soothing strokes from Janie and as TJ rubbed his hand along Jack’s arm were helping, “do we have a deal?” TJ asked, his eyes never leaving Jack’s.

“Yeah, go – I’ll try to reach Sam. If anyone can hear the shit in my head it’s him, right?”

“Exactly. Know your escape route. The ugly stuff you don’t want to tell me, you have Sam for. See? I’ll call when I’m on the way back, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry kitten.” Jack said softly as TJ kissed his forehead.

“Don’t be. There’s some ginger ale in the cupboard, have some for your stomach, and eat something light if you can, ok?”

“Now you’re the mother hen?” Jack offered TJ a small smile.

“Yeah, something I learned just today.” TJ stood up, ruffled Jack’s hair, “You really should let Janie fix that.” He smiled at Jack warmly.

TJ grabbed the bag of leftovers he’d dropped at the door on the way out, “this isn’t going to be any good now.” He said as he and Janie left.

Doug remained on the sofa, quietly looking at Jack’s sketches that had been on the coffee table, while Jack considered his promise to call Sam. He looked at his phone, scrolling through the slowly accumulating contacts and lingered on TJ’s photo. “He’s so strong, Doug.”

“TJ? He’s stronger than he gives himself credit for, and so much stronger than the family allows him to be. Wasn’t always like that.”

“He really wants this. Every time he’s had plans to go to an NA meeting something would interrupt, mostly my shit.”

“So that’s why you insisted he had to go tonight.”

“It is partly. He wasn’t kidding when he said he had a bad start today. He deserves the time away and needs the meeting.” Jack slowly rose from the sofa, not wanting to experience another rush of dizziness, “I’m going in the bedroom to call Sam, tv remote is by the tv. Inconvenient, I know.”

“I’m good.” Doug replied “Thanks.”

Doug looked around after Jack left the room, after a few minutes he wandered into the kitchenette, and found the soda TJ had mentioned and some crackers. He put some ice in a glass and took the food to the bedroom.

Jack called Sam and was surprised at the quick answer, “Hello!”

“Sam, it’s Jack, Benjamin.”

“What’s goin on Jack?”

“Nothing good, is now a good time to talk? I can’t talk to anyone else.”

Sam heard the uncertainty and underlying panic in Jack’s voice “Sure, go ahead.”

“I don’t know where to start, everyone wants me to talk.” Jack paused.

“If you’re not ready, you’re not ready but if you can – getting it out is liberating. Did something happen?”

“I was at lunch and talking with TJ when I said something that brought these images crashing down on me, things I can’t get out of my head.”

“Memories can be a bitch, what specifically is bothering you?”

“Not memories, images, ideas of things. I can’t, it doesn’t make sense, I know.”

“It does to me, it will for you when you get your thoughts together, look around you, Jack.” Jack did as suggested and Sam continued, “Where are you right now? Are you in a place where you feel safe?”

“Yes, I’m in our bedroom.” Jack looked up as Douglas came in, quietly set a tray on the nightstand, and walked back out.

“Ok, step one – that was easy, right? So are you with someone you won’t mind hearing what you have to say or are you where you feel you can speak freely?”

“Yeah, I’m alone.” Jack crossed to the tray and poured the soda, smiling in spite of himself. “I mean, I’m not alone but I have privacy”

“Get comfortable and then tell me everything.”

“The images are gruesome and seem so real.” Jack started, sipping from the glass absently. The cool bubbly soda tingled as it trailed down his dry throat, he touched the cold side of the glass to his still tender lip then sat on the bed and put the phone on speaker. “Picturing my own rotting corpse is pretty overwhelming.”

“You’re a man who has seen things, and done things, of course you would be able to visualize something like that, and you just lost your parents. I don’t have to tell you for you to know what we found, did Steve tell you?”

“No, just that they were found and they’d been dead ‘a while’. Michelle told me this afternoon what she knows. I tried not picturing it when Steve told me they were dead and I did a great job until I thought about the likelihood of being killed if I’d been there.

“Then when she told me they were dead while I was still there – why Sam? Why was I spared – what does it mean or is it just dumb luck?”

“That doesn’t matter. You’re alive. Start there.”

“Is that a good thing? Do you realize how many deaths I should have had? I don’t know how I’m still alive.”

Sam didn’t mean to laugh, he honestly tried to rein it in before it escaped but it was too fast, “I’m sorry Jack but you are _not_ the first person I’ve met who has that trouble. Let me just tell you a thing about people crashing and falling and not dying. People frozen for decades, but _not dying_. You are not unique in this even in the real world, where you’ve been to war and came out alive – you know others who have done that too. Add to that the world you’re going to be in if you really do work for this stubborn ass and you’ll see men who have outlived more deaths than you can count.”

Jack felt uncomfortable being compared to Steve Rogers, it was just not done. Not with guys like him.


	27. Chapter 27

Janie watched as TJ angrily stuffed the leftover bag into the trash. She quietly fell into step alongside him as his stride quickly ate up the distance.

“TJ.” She tried to get his attention, “TJ how about slowing down a little bit?”

TJ stopped abruptly, “you saw him, he’s talking about dying Janie. I thought we got past that.”

“He’s having a crisis. This is new, he’s suffering survivor’s guilt, plus he’s just barely out of captivity and the horror that was that family. He’s not fixed just because you two have a few happy moments together any more than you are.” Janie took TJ’s hand. “This trembling, it’s a reminder of your grasp on your sobriety. You know it; you recognize it and you deal with it because you have the tools. He’s lashing out because he doesn’t. Jack was never given the proper tools, until today when you clearly gave him two. You showed trust when you left him for this meeting; and reminded him that he has people to reach out to.”

“I didn’t leave him alone, how is that showing him trust?”

“You didn’t leave Douglas to babysit Jack; he is there for reassurance. Every one of us understands how it would eat away at Jack to be completely alone right now. There’s no lack of trust from someone sticking around in silent support.” She tugged his hand, “Come on TJ, let’s go get more tools for our own arsenals before we can fix Jack.”

“It hurts that he isn’t able to share, Janie.” TJ said as they walked.

“I know, but sometimes the people we care about the most are the ones we want to protect the most. He’s seen war, TJ, he’s seen and done things that you or I will never know or understand. You know, he’s shared some of the things he’s done with the two of us, so if this thing that has hurt him so deeply is too hard for him to share, it must be him protecting you. You’re an artist with a beautiful soul and he doesn’t want to tarnish that.”

“I’m an addict, not exactly sheltered, Janie.”

“You haven’t been to war. Your darkness is clubs, and drugs, and nameless, faceless sexual deviance, his is all of that  **plus**  war, and corruption, manipulation, and greed. You’re a fucking monk compared to that and he knows it.”

“Well, trust my sponsor to lay all of my deviance out in front of me.”

“Hey, you confided, we’re alone. I just want you to keep the perspective.” Janie smiled sweetly, “I mean no harm, TJ I just want you to understand why Jack is hurting and how bad it must be for him to not be able to share something with you. You did well, allowing him to keep that horror from you. I know it hurts, but that was the strongest thing I think you’ve chosen to do.”

“Real life pain. As much as everything about this hurts, I feel more pain watching him suffer.”

“I know sweetie. That’s why I’m equally proud of you for coming out with me tonight. You’re going to a meeting instead of trying to dull the pain, and nobody’s dragging you. I’m so proud.”

“Did anyone ever tell you your optimism is annoying?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that. Did anyone ever tell you you’re not exactly the pessimist you try to present?”

“Maybe after today that will change, I’ve had a lot of examples why it doesn’t pay to be optimistic.”

“You’ll have to tell me all about it on the way home.” Janie steered TJ through the door as they arrived at the center.

* * *

Jack talked at length with Sam about things that were haunting him. Sam continued to offer witty and deep responses, as well as suggestions for how to face the emotional horror. Jack thought about what TJ said about people caring, and as much as he was still sure he didn’t deserve it, he was grateful that this practical stranger did seem to care.

He cared too, so much that he needed to come clean. “Sam, I’m here as an impostor.”

“What do you mean? Half of the things you've told me were told in front of TJ, what makes you an imposter?”

“I’m not this lovesick, mewling weakling. I don’t – I don’t put people before me.”

“Jack, you said you hated who you were forced to be. Who do you want to be? The choice is yours. It isn’t weakness to care for people. It isn’t weakness to love.”

“No one ever changes. That’s what I was told.” Jack started pacing the room, feeling the panic bubbling, and feeling drained and guilty from loading all of his shit on Sam, “I’m sorry to put this on you. I don’t know where else to turn Sam.”

Sam caught the panic in Jack’s voice and adjusted his tone, “Jack – I gave you my number. I asked you to do this. Take a deep breath and think for a minute before you answer. What motivated you, Jack? What motivated you to run and to live?”

Jack stopped by the nightstand and took a drink from the room-temperature soda can hoping it would soothe his stomach, before doing as Sam suggested. “I wasn’t happy with who I was.”

“So, you aren’t who you were before, and you didn’t want to be who you had been. It sounds to me like you’re making progress. I know a guy, he’s a really good therapist, and he could help you with this.”

“I don’t know, I…” Jack thought of Joseph, how impressed he’d be with who he’d allowed himself to start to become, he thought of TJ and how even the darkest days with him were brighter than the misery of his old life.

“No rush man, I can either give you the name and you can call on your own or you can tell me when you are ready.”

“I… I mentioned it in conversation, maybe I should.”

“Listen, I can get the stuff together and bring it – looks like tomorrow – Steve’s got your things from your sister.”

“I’ll be here. Sam? Thank you.”

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Better than when I called.”

“Then I did my job.” Jack could hear the smile on Sam’s face, thoughts of Sam’s winning smile tugged at the corners of Jack’s mouth.

“I’m grateful Sam. I hope I can repay you.”

“I have the gratitude of an entire royal family, there’s nothing to repay.” Sam said with humor.

“For what it’s worth, Sam? You’re selling yourself short.”

Jack could still hear Sam’s laughter as he ended the call. He listened to the silence in the room and the noises from the city outside the window, before stripping out of his clothes and putting on comfortable pajama pants and one of TJ’s t-shirts. He could have found one of his own, but he wanted to be as far from the remote, decadent prince who rarely wore the same thing twice, as he could get, and wearing someone else’s clothing was definitely that, also because it smelled like TJ.

Popping a cracker into his mouth, Jack picked up the glass and the soda can and made his way to the living room, half expecting Douglas to have left.

Doug looked up from the notebook of sketches he’d been looking over and over when Jack came to the sofa. “Jack, are these yours?”

Jack couldn’t stop the sentimental smile at the open pages of TJ, “Yeah, it’s been a while between art classes and pen-to-paper.”

“You could have fooled me. You make him happy.” Doug pointed at the soft smile in one of the sketches Jack had done before they went to the penthouse.

“He’s too fragile to deal with my bullshit.” Jack frowned, sitting on the opposite end of the sofa and facing Doug.

“That’s funny.” Doug said, “I’m pretty sure I was sitting right here when you told me he was strong. Did you forget or didn’t you mean it?”

“I just realized how much shit he doesn’t deserve to wade through.”

“Oh, ok. So what’s your plan? Breaking his heart? I already told you I won’t allow that, Jack. You can’t push him away because you’re afraid of something. If that’s not your plan, let me remind you that the last person who pretended to love him and then tossed him aside nearly killed him.”

“It’s not pretend.” Jack leaned forward aggressively.

“I know,” Doug smiled, “I chose that word intentionally. What next Jack?”

“He’s going to suffer.” Jack frowned as he topped off the glass with the last of the soda. He took a drink, “But he’s going to have to choose whether he wants to suffer with me or without me.”

“So the choice is his then?”

“It is. I have to go home and inevitably face some not so pleasant facts and he wants to go with me. I’ll tell him the ugly things I never told him, the things I never wanted to tell him, and then he can choose.”

Janie and TJ came in, laughing. TJ heard the tail end of Jack’s comment and had to force himself to remember he’d _only_ heard the tail end. “What do I choose, Jack?”

“I’ll tell you. I might as well tell you all. Then I can be universally despised. I’m used to it, though so don’t worry.”

TJ stopped behind the sofa, behind Jack. He put his hands on Jack’s shoulders, leaned forward, and kissed his neck. “You aren’t going to be despised. I love you, you fool. You told us what you’ve done in the past. It’s past Jack. If there is anything you couldn’t tell me yet, it’s your cross to bear until you can.”

“I’m going to try now, might as well get comfortable.” Jack said, squeezing one of TJ’s hands gently before looking over his shoulder at him.

As Janie and TJ settled on the floor across from the sofa, Jack rehashed some of his earliest confessions but this time he didn’t hold back any of the darkness that had been in his heart and in his thoughts at the time that he had acted. He looked between the three, waiting for some kind of panic or hate-filled retaliation as he laid out his confessions but found only patience and maybe just a bit of unease. He felt so drained by the time he told them how terribly he’d treated Joseph, “If anyone ever did to you, TJ, what I did to him, I’d kill them.” He said darkly.

When TJ looked up at Jack his eyes stung from the tears, “I know these things, Jack. You’ve told me this before, I understand if you have to say it again, but why do you think I’ll need to make some kind of choice?”

“I didn’t tell you all of it, don’t you see?”

“Jack, don’t  _you_  see? I filled in the blanks, I am not stupid. Of course you were in a dark place to do the things you did. I didn’t need the details to know that. As for your treatment of Joseph, he forgave you. He as much as said so on that disk you told me about. He loved you, Jack, in spite of it all.” TJ unfolded himself and crossed to the sofa, kneeling in front of Jack, “and I love you because of what you’ve overcome and who you are now. I’m choosing you, so if you have a problem with  **us** , I’m not going to be your “out”. You’ll have to leave on your own terms if that’s what you’re trying to do here.”

Jack looked from TJ to Doug, remembering their conversation, to Janie. “I’m not trying to do anything TJ. Going home is going to bring some of this up and you needed to know. I was afraid you…”

“You were afraid that you’re too much for me to handle. You might be right. Sometimes I think that same thing about me for you, so if you’re still brave enough to be yourself, the real, uninhibited, and caring person that I know you to be, and take on my problems, I’d rather you stick around.”

“I’m not going anywhere, TJ, just as long as what I have to offer doesn’t screw with your recovery.”

“You _don’t get to make decisions_ based on what might happen with my recovery. If you do that and I slip, you’ll blame yourself. I won’t have it.”

“Jesus.” Doug said, chuckling, “If we had people in our lives as fiercely protective as you two are in protecting each other, I wonder how we'd have turned out.”

“You should visit more often, we’re equally as entertaining when neither one of us is having a crisis.” TJ smirked, right Janes?”

“I wouldn’t know, you two are always MIA when I’m home.”

“Oh, well, we are a riot.” TJ assured them, watching Jack with a fond smile.

“If you two are ok, I’m going to get lost.” Doug said with a yawn.

“Hey, I – Dougie thank you! I’m sorry if you missed anything important, this means so much to me.”

“You may not believe it, but it means a lot to me too TJ. I realized after the other day that I never made time to do right by you mid-crisis but I always found time for the cleanup. If only I’d have taken the time in the first place.”

“If only we’d all learned the hard lessons before they happened. No, you’re good.” TJ hugged Doug tightly, “Thank you so much.”

Jack followed them to the door, “Douglas, thank you for everything. It means as much to me as it does to TJ. Everything you said and did, thank you just seems insignificant.”

“You’re welcome Jack. I hope you remember everything we talked about.” Doug hugged Jack before turning to Janie, “Janie, I hope the next time we meet we can actually talk. Thank you for being there for TJ. Whatever you’ve done to my brother, I approve.”

“At the risk of sounding rude, I just did what he deserved. I am glad you’re coming around Doug, TJ is so special to me, and I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of positive things to say about your family. Thank you for being the exception.”

TJ stepped back to watch firecracker Janie tell it like it is. She warned him long ago she would do this. TJ hadn’t felt quite so much support or concern from so many people before, without doing something as horrific as landing himself in the hospital half-dead in order for them to make the time. This was weird and it was oddly comforting.

“I am working on it.” Douglas said with a slight blush.

“Hey, Dougie? Wanna make an exception to the Hammond phone tree embargo? Could you give Annie my love?” TJ smiled.

“I could, or you could text her if you’re too busy to call her yourself.”

“Hey, she’s your wife. Didn’t want you thinking I was going behind your back.”

TJ hugged his brother again before closing the door behind him. He turned to Jack, “So, did you eat anything like I suggested?”

“I had a cracker. And some ginger ale, as instructed. Your brother brought it to me while I was talking to Sam. Apparently he guessed I wasn’t going to do it myself.”

“Are you hungry Jack? We could order in.” Janie said, putting her arm around Jack’s waist. “TJ told me you didn’t get to enjoy your lunch.”

Jack followed as Janie steered him to the sofa. “I’m not sure. If you two are eating, maybe I’ll just swipe some from TJ.”

“I’ll allow it.” TJ said from behind them, he stood rubbing Jack’s shoulders while thinking “What were you thinking of ordering Janes?”

“Deli. Soup or sandwiches, hell both even.”

Jack rolled his neck into TJ’s massage and TJ’s hands stilled, resting on Jack’s shoulders at the base of his neck. TJ leaned forward and whispered in his ear, “I love you Jack.”

Jack looked over his shoulder at TJ, “I love you too, I’m so sorry about today.”

“Apology rule.” TJ grinned against Jack’s cheek before kissing it loudly.

“Aw shit. You were the only one to break the apology rule before now.” Jack was able to tease, putting his hand on TJ’s neck holding him close. “Thank you kitten.” He whispered.

“Fellas, I love the lovefest but food?” Janie asked standing in front of them with one hand on her hip, before tossing the menu at them.

TJ leaned over the back of the sofa to grab the menu before it hit the floor, “here, have your menu. I’ll have the special. Please.”

“Fine.” Janie said, “What if you were supposed to call?”

“I can if you’d like.”

“Don’t bother.” She said sarcastically.

“If you say so.” TJ smirked, grabbing Janie’s shirt as she tried to walk by, while the phone on the other end rang.

Janie stepped back to TJ’s side when her shirt was tugged to its limit, she leaned into him, and laid her head on his shoulder, placing the order while he snaked his arm around her and held her close.

“Jack,” Janie said as she ended the call, tickling the nape of his neck, “I used to do hair, I’m serious, I’ll take care of this unruly mop you have going on.”

Jack looked up at Janie, “Really? I’d like that. It never seems important enough when we’re out.”

“Yes, I can have it done before sandwiches get here – or at least roughly the same time. Come on sweetie, you’ll feel better.”

TJ held a hand out to Jack with a ‘humor her’ smile. Jack took the hand up and then hugged Janie, “I’ll never understand any of you.” He said with a kiss to the top of her head. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Honey, it’s like riding a bicycle. I may have quit doing hair because it kept putting me in the wrong place for my addiction, but I can still do this lovely head of hair justice.”

“Well then. I do need it done before we leave for Gilboa.” Jack followed Janie to the kitchenette.

She pulled the piano bench over and pointed. “It’s not a barber chair, but it’ll do.”

“Now I start to worry.” Jack teased, sitting on the bench.

“Well, you can always try to get into a barber or salon tomorrow, if you’d rather.” Janie said as she pulled out her kit.

“Oh tomorrow!” Jack reached for TJ’s hand, “Sam said they’d be by tomorrow, but didn’t say what time.”

“Ok, we’ll hang out until we hear.” TJ held Jack’s hand until Janie shooed him away.

“He’s a big boy, he’s not gonna fall off the stool, TJ.” She joked lightly.

“Fine, you steal my stool so I can’t play piano and then don’t let me play with my boyfriend either.” TJ pouted on the sofa.

Janie took her time with Jack, massaging his scalp and his neck “don’t pay any attention to him,” she said softly, but loud enough for TJ to hear, “he’s such a baby when he doesn’t get to be the center of attention. I hope you like the high maintenance type, that boy, he’s trouble.”

TJ managed to glare at Janie in spite of the trouble he was having suppressing a smile.

“I don’t mind, he has his uses.” Jack said as he relaxed under Janie’s treatment, he closed his eyes to TJ’s struggle. “Janie, you have magic fingers.”

“So I’ve been told.” She winked at TJ across the room, “Too bad you two are all wrapped up in each other.”

“One of these days, Janie…” TJ smiled fully now, watching Jack relax as Janie began cutting his hair.

“See what I mean, Jack? Always needs to be the center of attention.”

“I’m keeping him, we can relate to one another.” Jack relaxed his shoulders, keeping his eyes closed, and listened to the snick, snick sound of the scissors near his ear.

The chatter between Janie and TJ continued but to Jack it was background noise, he let the positive words from Sam, Doug, and these two people who were closer to his heart than anyone had ever been envelop him. The rhythmic sound of their banter and the scissors were both interrupted by the buzz at the door. Jack was jolted from his peaceful daze by the abrupt sound.

“TJ, my card is by the door, would you get that sweetheart?” Janie said, running a calming hand along Jack’s neck. “Did we bore you to sleep Jack?”

“I don’t know if it was sleep, exactly.” He said.

“You’ve had it rough, you must be exhausted. Don’t let him keep you up all night.” Janie grinned.

“It’s not like that, we actually haven’t, all weekend.” Jack’s cheeks felt a little hot under Janie’s scrutiny.

“Oh sweetie, welcome to the real world.” Janie teased. She crouched in front of him, checking the length on each side, “So a grand getaway to a swanky penthouse for nothing, huh?”

“We got to spend quality time together.” Jack smirked, “and shit happened.”

“I know sweetie,” Janie put her hand on Jack’s cheek, “I’m so sorry about all of it and I’m so glad TJ had you when he needed you, thank you for taking care of him, even if your methods were risky. He needed to make the choice himself, you did the right thing.”

“You think so?” Jack still judged himself for that, “I didn’t know at the time, and I still wonder.”

“I know so. If he can’t make the choice on his own, no matter how close he is to the temptation, he’ll never make it. I think he’s gonna make it, though, don’t you?” Janie fluffed Jack’s hair between her fingers, pulling it into place. “You look 1000 times sexier, and that’s saying something.”

“You trying to start trouble?” Jack asked playfully.

“If only.” Janie brushed hair from Jack’s neck and removed the smock, “You’re gonna make everyone envious.”

TJ turned from the door with bags in his hands and stopped short, Jack looked amazing, “What have you done to my troublemaker? He looks nothing like a fugitive now.”

Jack’s smirk as he rose to cross the room made Janie laugh, “No, no he doesn’t. Looks like we’re in the presence of royalty. I’m almost ashamed of the humble methods it took to get him there.”

“Never be ashamed, Janie.” Jack said, taking a bag from TJ and setting it on the coffee table, “Best haircut I’ve ever had, and I haven’t even seen it yet.”

“Jack, you’re a charmer.” Janie sat on the floor with her legs crossed and started pulling food out of bags.

“I really mean it Janie. I’ve missed you these past few days.”

“I’ve missed both of you too. I’m sorry about your family Jack. I know that no matter what happened, that’s the bottom line, they’re your parents. I hope you know how much I care, if you need anything sweetie, please just ask.”

“Thanks Janie, your well wishes mean more to me than you know. You just keep being you and that will be more than enough, let’s eat.” Jack took the half-sandwich that TJ handed him, setting it on the table in front of him. “Thanks kitten.”

Janie giggled, “I just love that, I’m sorry TJ, but it’s sweet.”

“I like it too,” TJ blushed, “in private. Someone keeps slipping.”

“I can’t help it, I like saying it, and it’s becoming a habit.” 

"I'm doomed." TJ moaned. "Oh well, it could be worse."

"Yeah, he could slip in front of your parents, wouldn't that be adorable?" Janie teased. "by the way, I like your brother, TJ. I take back all the mean things I thought about him."

"I'm sure he'll be relieved." TJ said around a mouthful of sandwich. "I'd love to be there when you tell him."

Jack found himself watching the friends again, similar to his first night here, but tonight he felt so much more a part of it. As TJ continued to talk and eat, Jack couldn’t help comparing these horrible manners to the ones TJ had used in the restaurant earlier; if you’d seen this version it would be impossible to imagine he could be so refined and if you’d only seen TJ in the public setting you’d never guess he could be so outlandish.

“You. What are you grinning about?” TJ asked, popping a chip into his mouth.

“Was I?” Jack asked, taking a bite of the sandwich that TJ shoved closer to him.

“Yeah, you were.”

“Just contemplating you.” Jack responded.

“You’re contemplating _what_ about me?” TJ prompted, leaning closer to the end of the coffee table where Jack was sitting.

“I was marveling how easily you move from linen napkins and silver place settings to this -talking with your mouth full of deli meat- barbarian… and how much I love both sides of you.”

“You, Jack, are a romantic.” TJ smiled, leaning closer and kissing jack on the temple.

“You two are something.” Janie sighed, “I’m jealous and disgusted.”


	28. Chapter 28

It was TJ’s turn to try soothing Jack’s morning nerves, but he kept falling short, “Jack stop fidgeting, you know Steve and Sam, they’re just coming to bring you your identification and bank info. Why are you so nervous?” He grumbled putting his hands on Jack’s tense shoulders.

“I don’t know” Jack turned and put his hands on TJ’s waist, “that’s part of what’s making me nervous. I don’t know what’s bothering me.”

“You’re excited.” Janie poked her head into the room, “door’s open, hope I’m not being a nuisance.”

“Is it excitement Janie?” Jack asked holding a hand out in invitation, “You’re never a nuisance by the way.”

“Yes” Janie took Jack’s hand and pulled him into a hug, TJ sprawled across the bed, “you’re getting a piece of you back, and you’re overcome with nervous excitement.”

“I guess that could be it.”

“When is the last time you were excited for something Jack?”

“I don’t know.”

TJ looked up to see Jack’s frown. “We need to do something about that.”

“Ugh, if it feels like this, I’d say forget it.” Jack grimaced, leaning into Janie’s tight hug.

“TJ’s right, we need to fix this. Excitement is a beautiful thing, Jack.”

“Take your time. Maybe you can plot something while we’re away.” Jack teased, hoping to put off the inevitable, indefinitely.

The phone ringing made Jack jump and curse himself, “I hate this.” He said as TJ chimed in, “Relax, it’s my phone.”

“Hey, I’ll be in the other room, I should take this.” TJ added, rolling off the bed and ducking into the living room. “Hey Nana!”

> “So I have the pleasure of being someone you’ll answer?”
> 
> “As long as you’re not a mole for either of _them_ , yes.”
> 
> “What the hell is going on with you? I haven’t heard from you in weeks! Don’t you know what that does to me?”
> 
> “I’m sorry – I needed… Nana, if I’d been Dougie on vacation you wouldn’t be giving me this guilt trip.”
> 
> “You’re not Dougie and you know why I’m concerned, don’t give me that bullshit.”
> 
> “Nana, please. I know I’ve pulled some shit in the past, I know we’ve gone around and around this, but I’m fine. I just moved, in addition to that, shit has been rolling downhill – and I’ve been dealing with it, which is why I didn’t take the time to call.”

TJ looked up to see Janie giving him two thumbs up as she and Jack made their way into the kitchen. He shook his head and gave her a ‘would you believe it’ look.

> “You should have.” Margaret said with emotion on the other end of the line.
> 
> “Nana. I’m trying to take time to figure out this move, my career change is stressing me out and…”
> 
> “and you have time for your new boy-toy.” She finished.
> 
> “He’s part of the process,”
> 
> “But you're fine.” Margaret accused.
> 
> “Nana, I’m clean and I have good friends who are interested in helping me keep things that way.”
> 
> “Well I want to see this for myself, your history of honesty isn’t any better than Bud’s.”
> 
> “Jesus. I love you too. I don’t know what to tell you, I’m leaving the country the day after tomorrow.”
> 
> “Good. You’ll be there when I get there today.” She said with finality.
> 
> “No – Nana, no. Today’s not the best plan, I mean I’m going to be getting things together for the trip and…”
> 
> “and you can entertain your grandmother’s whims for a short visit. I’ll take you to dinner.”
> 
> “Jesus.”
> 
> “I’ll see you later, TJ.” She said as she ended the call.

“Wow – way to stand up for yourself, asshole.” TJ admonished himself.

“Railroaded?” Janie asked from the stove.

“As only Margaret Barrish can do.” TJ tossed his phone onto the sofa, “So she’s coming, sometime. What’s for breakfast? And how did you end up the one to get Jack into the kitchen? I thought that was going to be our thing?”

“Don’t pout, TJ.” Jack reprimanded playfully, “I’ll tell your grandmother.”

“Oh, you don’t even… I know your deepest darkest secret.” TJ tickled Jack’s ribs.

“You’re lucky I don’t deck you.” Jack squirmed, setting the pan in his hand on the counter with a clatter.

“You two are both just lucky that pan’s not hot – take your shenanigans out of the kitchen.” Janie laughed, “Better yet, stop the shenanigans and help me.”

Janie watched as the boys kissed one another, envious that she didn’t have that in her life just now, but proud of them both for not being too stupid to recognize how they felt about each other.

Jack pulled away first, “are you ok with the surprise visit?”

“I’ll have to be, won’t I?” TJ answered, uncertain, “I mean, I’ve missed her and she’s not the worst of the gang, but she sure knows how to command a room, or a phone call, or my existence.”

“It’ll be fine, by now she’s heard everything your mother has to say and she wants to see for herself. At least she hasn’t decided you’ve _completely_ fucked up without checking first.” Jack considered, pulling a butcher-paper wrapped bundle out of the refrigerator, “here, help me with this.”

TJ took the meat and Jack moved on to the produce in the fridge, pulling out berries and orange juice.

The trio was in the middle of cooking when Jack’s phone chirped from his pocket. He bumped TJ’s hip to nudge him out of the way of the sink and rinsed his hands before answering.

“Hey Steve.” He greeted, his voice more cheery than it had been earlier when Margaret’s call had come in, he was settling into his nerves.

“Jack, I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner – I should have scheduled time.”

“Sam told me you’d be by, we’re at the apartment all day, swing by whenever. If you’re close come now, we have breakfast on the stove, wouldn’t take much to add an extra everything to the fire.”

Janie laughed, “I overdid it on pancake batter, come by and help us eat them!” she called out.

Steve chuckled on his end, “well, we aren’t far away, we could come by now if it’s not a problem.”

“You heard the boss, that’s Janie – she runs the place – come on over.” Jack laughed watching TJ pull the package of meat back out from the refrigerator.

  
“Ok, we’ll be there in a bit, thanks Jack. Tell Janie thanks too.” Jack could hear Steve’s chuckle continue as the call ended.

“Ok, looks like extra breakfast guests.” Jack announced.

“Ok, now _I’m excited_.” Janie cheered. “Captain America.”

“Steve Rogers.” TJ and Jack said in unison.

“Oh you two. Give me my little fangirl moment.” Janie frowned.

“Ok, you’ve had your moment; your _Captain_ is an eater, so get back on the griddle.” TJ teased.

The breakfast fare was piling up nicely by the time the buzzer sounded, Jack felt out of place answering the door, even though they were technically here as his guests, but he made his way across the room and pulled the door open in spite of the awkwardness.

He really should be used to this by now, Jack thought when he spotted Bucky behind Steve and Sam. This really shouldn’t throw him off, but wow, did it.

“Come in, you’re just in time.” Jack managed, smiling for Steve and Sam, hoping it stayed as unperturbed when it lighted on Bucky. The man had a tense look about him but he abruptly returned the smile as he entered the room, then took a spot in the background immediately.

Jack introduced Steve and Sam to Janie, and then Steve handled the rest of the introductions for Bucky. Janie was proud of herself for not gawking while making mental comparisons between the lookalikes. After hugging Sam and Steve in welcome and shaking Bucky’s hand kindly, she put on a friendly grin, “I made enough to feed a small country so please, gentlemen, don’t be shy.

“Mmm don’t mind if I do.” Sam cheered, following Janie to the stove, “smells like heaven.”

Steve followed Sam. Jack stood laughing and joking with TJ, and was the last in line to get a plate. He looked up from where he was selecting fruit and noticed that Bucky hadn’t moved from his spot in the living room. Jack crafted a plate identical to his and crossed the room, “Please, join us. It’s the least I can do for what you did for me, and for my sister.”

Bucky had been watching everyone from his quiet spot. He was noticed a couple of times by the girl – Janie – and of course received a few glances from Steve. He watched the two men who resembled him laughing as they teased Janie about the food and laughing at something Sam had said. Jack seemed more tense than the other boy, TJ, more tightly wound. As TJ crossed the room from the kitchen to the piano, and glanced in his direction, Bucky recognized a familiar haunted look in the depth of his eyes. It was like a wisp of recognition hiding behind the laughter.

The curiosity sat uncomfortably with him, he shouldn’t be concerned about either of them, but Bucky thought just maybe he would ask Steve later what his take on these men might be. He could see now, why Steve was drawn to them. They were his doppelgangers, so of course Steve would give them a pass. After all, he’d done the same for Bucky, in spite of all that he’d done.

When Jack crossed the room Bucky’s posture stiffened until he recognized the hesitant look that Jack masked, Bucky then made a concerted effort to relax his shoulders. He looked at the second plate in Jack’s hand, piled with the food that had made the entire apartment smell like something cozy and familiar. That was the moment Bucky realized he hadn’t eaten decent food in ages, prison fare gave way to MRE’s for the bulk of the time he was with Steve. There had been some sandwich cookies on the flight, yet something else from a box, but this, the smell of bacon and sweet pancakes – and the fruit. Bucky’s mouth watered.

He took the plate carefully but quickly, as though it would be revoked if he hesitated. Jack offered a small smile, “I’m sorry for what was done to you while you were in my country.”

“It wasn’t your doing.” Bucky responded, “Thank you for the food. I don’t know how long it’s been since I had something like this.”

“Please, come sit down, we don’t have a lot of seats, but we can make room, Janie, TJ, and I are all quite accustomed to sitting on the floor.”

Bucky followed tentatively, and pulled out the piano bench to sit on instead of taking the space on the sofa next to Steve.

TJ watched Jack approach the unapproachable and for more than just a second he was worried. Steve’s friend looked like a tightly coiled spring, and Jack, even with all his experience, was still clearly no match for one Bucky Barnes. TJ looked to Steve, the only force in the room capable of stopping the man if something went wrong. TJ took note of Steve’s relaxed posture and smile each time he looked at his friend and took a breath, relaxing.

TJ knew he should say something kind and welcoming to Bucky, yet with all his exposure to social graces, he felt like he was either going to say something backwater like his father would, or crass like Nana might. TJ didn’t want to offend Steve Rogers’ very intense friend so he stuffed a bite of pancake in his face, waiting for conversation to pick up. Maybe he could find a way into a conversation with Bucky.

God bless Jack for having the refined skills to invite Bucky to sit with them, TJ surely could have done that much? Another bite of pancake.

God bless Janie for not being timid, “So, you fellas look like you’ve been through hell and back. I hope you’re all ok.”

“Thanks,” Sam answered between bites, “It was something else, we had a good team though, I think everyone’s more tired and hungry than anything.”

“Yeah, the fare has been basic, at best.” Steve agreed. “This is – I appreciate it so much.”

“Are you close by or do you have someplace to stay?” Janie asked, always ready to give up her own comfort for any stray. TJ suppressed a smile.

“If you need a place, the penthouse is available.” TJ answered as Sam considered his own response. “Plenty of rooms and food to be had, we just vacated yesterday.”

“We were just going to hit up a hotel.” Steve countered, “I’m on the outside on this one, or we’d be at the Avengers’ tower.”

“Don’t blow your money on a hotel. The penthouse is where you need to crash.” TJ insisted. “You’ll be my guests, and anything you might need will be yours.”

Bucky heard TJ and Janie offering their homes and their resources; he closed his eyes on a bite of pancake and wondered how he wound up here, if he deserved to be. He tensed as he felt and heard an approach before opening his eyes to Janie looking at him kindly, holding a glass of orange juice out to him. “I’m sorry it’s not as organized as it could be, would you like some juice?”

“It’s more than we’d expected.” Bucky took the glass, “thank you, everything is delicious.”

“There’s more in the kitchen if you’re still hungry.” She smiled earnestly at Bucky, “TJ assured me there’d be appetites to match the supply of food. More bacon and pancakes are in the oven.”

“Thank you, I might just take you up on that.” he answered softly.

“I hope you do, I want you to make yourself at home here. Are you comfortable? I’m terribly sorry for the lack of seating, it used to be just me around here.”

“Everything is perfect, I’ve seen worse.” He couldn’t even relate to this kind woman what he’d seen, shouldn’t even be in her living room.

“Bucky, welcome home.” She said softly, with tears welling in her light brown eyes.

He sat, dumbfounded, the set of his shoulders drooped and he was glad that he’d set the plate at his side, he’d nearly fumbled the glass at her words. She steadied his hand and took the glass from his fingers, setting it aside. “Thank you.” He finally managed. At least he was pretty sure he’d managed to push the words out.

“A thousand times, you’re welcome; I wish I could say it better.” Janie’s voice was low and bubbled with emotion, “If you’re not going to help yourself to the food in the kitchen, would you allow me?”

Janie knew she was overcorrecting her approach because she let herself express too much emotion and that surely wasn’t what he needed, so she just embraced the reversal, taking his plate with a smile.

“Miss… Janie? You wouldn’t have more fruit would you?”

“Oh, of course, sweetie.” She said automatically and then looked up with wide eyes, she’d just talked to him like Jack, or TJ and he found it comforting and confusing. “As long as you drop the “miss”.” She winked.

TJ leaned back on one hand where he was seated on the floor nearest the piano bench, “I think she likes you.” He whispered conspiratorially to Bucky.

“I like her too, she’s nice… oh. Oh…” he looked down at his hands, “I mean…”

“It’s ok. She’s a good person, she’d never put you in an awkward position. Don’t sweat it. Janie’s cool.”

“Why ‘Janie’?”

“She doesn’t like Janelle, I told her it’s pretty, she just hates it. I think it ties to her past, but I don’t bother her with the details. We each have our problems and we share what we have to, to get by.”

“Oh?”

“I’m an addict, we both are.” TJ saw Bucky’s slight nod but didn’t make anything of it, Bucky considered this explanation was probably the reason TJ had looked haunted in that first instant. As tender as the boy appeared, he’d seen some darkness and was still working through it. Bucky looked at TJ as TJ continued, “She’s my sponsor and my friend. One of the best, we’d probably burn the city for each other.”

Bucky looked at Steve, “Yeah, I know how that is.”

“He was incredibly nervous coming here when he thought you’d sent a message through Jack, I never thought “Captain America” could get nervous.”

“It’s Steve.” Bucky said quietly and was stunned when TJ laughed.

“I just had that conversation with Janie before you guys arrived. She was so excited to meet the superhero. Jack and I simply told her “It’s Steve Rogers.” TJ was still chuckling, “I met him as Steve, and that’s how I know him. I really like him, he’s a nice guy.”

TJ looked across the room at Steve and Sam who were talking to Jack, and waited for a pause in the conversation, “Steve, save room for a Dagwood, huh?”

Steve laughed a full body laugh, “Did you tell him? I was going to tell him.”

“Nope, all yours.” TJ grinned first at Steve then at Bucky, “You’ll like this, I think.”

Jack and Sam pulled away from the group as Steve reeled in some of his mirth, getting ready to start talking. Janie set Bucky’s second plate on the coffee table next to one she prepared for Steve. She crossed and held her hand out to Bucky, “They’ve cleared the space, you might as well settle in.”

Bucky looked at her hand before reaching for it and standing next to her, “thanks.”

Janie smiled up at Bucky before tugging his hand a little and drawing him over to the sofa.

“I don’t know if you remember it, Buck, but the Blondie comic in the funny papers” Steve started as Bucky sat down on the edge of the sofa cushion, “Dagwood made those skyscraper-high sandwiches and we’d just laugh and wonder if there was any way we could make one if we could even eat it! You never thought I could, always said you’d be dead cos you’d have to eat yours and finish mine too.” Steve chuckled, pulling out his phone and showing Bucky the same comic he’d shown TJ a week or so ago.

“Yeah,” Bucky startled everyone, including himself when he laughed, not only at the picture but the memory. “Yeah, I do remember that.”

“Well, TJ here gave me the opportunity to make one – and I’ll have you know I ate it all.”

“Cheating.” Bucky said simply, popping a wedge of fresh orange into his mouth.

“No.” Steve challenged with a slight smile.

“Yeah, you still never could have finished one back then.” Bucky grinned back. “How was it?”

“It was fantastic and maybe a little offensive, but it was delicious… and kind of fun.” Steve confessed with a bit of a blush and a shrug.

TJ looked across the room to where Jack and Sam were talking near the hallway that separated their bedroom from the bathroom. Jack looked relaxed, even laughing at something Sam said, so he let his concern from the day before take a break while he listened to Steve talking about the sandwich and Bucky laughing and teasing him.

TJ still wasn’t quite able to forget how Margaret had intimidated him into dinner tonight. He loved her more than just about anything, but something Janie had said before he’d decided to move to the city stuck with him, he couldn’t let anyone, no matter how dear they were, force him to do things. He was going to have to tell Nana that her tactics were bullying. He was trying to claim his place in the world not be put there by someone.

Oh he’d have to own up to the fault of not calling her in more than three weeks, but he wasn’t a child to be dragged around and shamed into seeing people if he hadn’t decided he was ready. TJ wanted to take Jack along but he decided the introductions would have to happen either before or after dinner. This was a challenge he had to meet by himself, one on one. TJ was rocked from his thoughts by Jack’s hands on his shoulders as he knelt behind him on the floor.

“Penny for your thoughts” Jack said quietly against TJ’s ear.

“I was just listening.” TJ fibbed.

“Not just.” Jack whispered. “But talk to me about it later, ok?”

“Yeah.” TJ nodded and put his hand on Jack’s, “You ok?”

“Yeah, Sam gave me the number of a therapist. I think I’m going to call today to make an appointment.”

TJ turned his head to look at Jack, “good Jack, I’m glad. I need to set something up with my therapist too. I should have had one waiting for when I got to the city. I probably would have forgotten in all the craziness.”

Jack smiled and rubbed TJ’s shoulders quietly.

Sam circled the room to the piano bench that was the only seat left available, he was fine with losing his seat on the sofa, Bucky was getting into the conversation, a little anyway, and the mood was light. Not much could be better after the weekend he’d just come off of than this kind of peace.

Sam watched Janie, he noticed that she was very tactile. From the way she touched TJ and Jack, to the way her fingers lingered on the initial handshakes when they’d been introduced, before she had kindly asked him and Steve if they didn’t mind hugs, because she was a hug person. She didn’t ask Bucky, just held his hand a bit longer after the handshake. What he would call her signature finger stroke wasn’t forsaken with Bucky either, rather it was a little more drawn out, as though she wanted to let Bucky know that the only reason she didn’t ask him to hug her because she recognized his discomfort.

Sam liked this girl, he decided, as he watched her with Bucky now. She sat on the floor next to his leg, careful in his space, not touching, but smiling at him when he’d look her way or laughing at something that was said. Oh, he did like this girl and as much as this might be good for Bucky, could it be any good for a girl in recovery? It could work, Sam guessed.

“Hey, TJ.” Sam said quietly enough to not interrupt the conversation between Jack, Steve, Bucky, and Janie.

TJ turned his head, peering around Jack who was still kneeling behind him rubbing his shoulders, even as he was immersed in conversation.

“Could you hand me my plate?”

TJ looked at the plate and back at Sam, “I can grab you some hot pancakes.”

“Nah, thanks though. I’ll do it. You sit.” Sam smiled taking the plate from TJ. “You want anything while I’m in there?”

“If you could bring back a few extra pieces of bacon and,” he looked at the coffee table, “the bowl of fruit,” TJ cocked his head toward Bucky who was enjoying the fresh food.

When Sam returned with his food and the bowl of fruit, he set the bowl down, pulled half the bacon from his plate and dropped it in front of TJ onto his plate, “you ok?” he asked quietly next to TJ’s ear.

“Yeah. Sure.”

“That lie is worse than Steve trying to lie on a bad day. But if that’s how you like to play it.”

“It’s just family stuff.” TJ tried to evade.

“Ok, that’s fine. You don’t have to talk about it…”

TJ turned to face Sam, sitting cross-legged on the floor. He looked up as Sam sat down on the bench and took a bite. “My grandmother, she’s tough as nails and she worries about me. Rightfully so,” TJ paused, “she ordered me to attend dinner with her tonight, and instead of standing my ground I gave in. I need to tell her to stop intimidating me and that’s… intimidating.”

Sam stifled a laugh but the smile was clear. “You can do it. You’re afraid to hurt her feelings, but if she cares about you, she’ll be glad you’re taking care of yourself, once she sees it that way. Make it her idea.”

TJ laughed outright, “that sounds perfect, if only I could figure out how to manipulate the master. Don’t get me wrong, I love her dearly.”

“Of course you do, or you wouldn’t be so worried about talking to her. Just do what you have to do, it’ll be fine.”

“Thanks Sam.” TJ said as he munched on a piece of bacon, “for helping Jack too. He was pretty upset and couldn’t get over the hurdle to talk to me.”

“He seems to be dealing better today. If I had something to do with that, I’m glad to help.”

“You keep everyone together, Sam. Who keeps you together?”

“TJ, that’s the million dollar question.” Sam smirked, putting his plate down on the bench next to his thigh, he leaned on his forearm on his knee, looking TJ in the eye, “I surround myself with good people, and I don’t think any of them are just in this for what I do for them. I believe Steve’s there for me and I have other friends I can reach out to. I even recall someone here offering a place to crash – he wouldn’t be someone I could turn to, would he?”

“He wouldn’t know how he could be of any help.” TJ said, with an awed voice, “but I would do my best.”

“You don’t think you could help someone out if they reached out to you? TJ, what is it you think you offer your friends? _You_ didn’t want the fruit. You aren’t just a _project_ for Janie. You didn’t encourage _him_ to make that stupid sandwich as a dare. Jack respects you and is learning self-respect because of it.”

TJ felt the color creep up his neck and over his cheeks in a rush of heat, he also felt an unusual surge of emotion that followed an initial awe, was it pride? “Sam, I…” TJ struggled for what to say and settled with a shallow “thank you” that left him wishing he could articulate his feelings better.

“I call ‘em as I see ‘em.” Sam replied.

Steve was enjoying the light moment. Bucky was engaged in conversation, even if he wasn’t as relaxed into the sofa as Steve was. He didn’t mind being the punchline in the conversation as Bucky related some of his early scuffs with guys he was clearly no match for, but still deserved to be brought down a peg or two. It was a cache of memories, and that was a gift. Jack looked at Steve curiously, probably trying to visualize him in that smaller body. Steve swiped through his phone to an old photo he’d recently put there and showed it to Jack, while Janie laughed at Bucky and looked at Steve compassionately.

“You and me, Bucky, looking out for the little guys.” Janie smiled fondly at Buck. Steve found he approved of her attentions toward his friend, whether or not it was his place, he was pleased. He could easily get behind the idea that Bucky deserves empathy, and care from a true outsider. Not just from someone he kind of knows, or someone forced into the position as he and Sam were respectively. It could really work wonders if Bucky were open to the affection.

“It’s hard work,” Bucky warned with a soft smile, “they keep getting into trouble.”

“Don’t I know it?” Janie smiled, “and then I had to choose to make it my career.”

“What do you do?” Bucky found this curiosity easier to satisfy.

“I’m going to be starting with child protective services. I got my degree last year and before that I’d been working closely with someone who was able to get me on. I interned for a year while I went to school.”

“and worked fulltime.” TJ piped in, always impressed with how hard Janie worked, and was still able to be there for him and her other sponsees. He smiled a bashful smile when Bucky, Steve, and Janie all looked at him. “Well, Janie _is_ a powerhouse, I guess you could say.”

“TJ is my biggest fan,” Janie smiled fondly at TJ, “and my biggest challenge.”

“And TJ is sorry for interrupting.” He grinned at Janie before turning an apologetic smile to Bucky and Steve.

“How’s the songwriting working out TJ?” Steve asked eagerly.

“It’s not very positive these days. I’ll be putting my best effort out there again once we get back from Gilboa. A fresh, fresh start.” TJ smiled in spite of the twinge of pain the two experiences gave him, and then started to explain to his curious audience.

When he finished, Steve told him, “That’s the key, TJ. You just have to keep trying.”

Sam and Bucky both looked at each other, each knowing the other had seen clear examples of Steve Rogers and his “keep trying” method.

“Try not to break any laws when you do.” Bucky said unexpectedly, his lips curved in a genuine smile, “How many times was it that you tried to get into the army?”

Steve blushed and nodded, “you couldn’t forget that, could ya Buck?” as the words tripped over his tongue, Steve regretted it until he heard Bucky laugh.

“I did for a while.” Bucky said, reaching for a handful of berries. “Certain things beg to be remembered. He’s right, though TJ. Keep with it. If I’d given up when it was hard I wouldn’t have survived leaving Hydra in the first place, or more recently, my stay in Gehenna.”

“Thanks, I’m definitely staying with it, although I don’t know it could be compared to something so noble or something so life altering.”

Without hesitation, TJ heard Bucky say, “TJ, if you’re not doing it now and you want to do it, it is life altering. If it’s what you want to do, and you’re trying, it’s noble.”

“Bucky, thanks for giving me that perspective. I really need to adjust my thinking on things like that.”

“It’s not a problem. Hey Jack, can I talk to you for a minute?” Bucky had a promise to keep and if he didn’t make a point of it, might not carry through, best give it a shot now.

“Sure.” Jack stood and headed toward the kitchen, Bucky followed.

Jack pulled a glass out of the cabinet poured some ice water, “water?”

“No thanks.” Bucky stuffed his hands in his pockets and leaned against the counter, “Hey, so I promised your sister I’d tell you how much she misses you. I mean I know it’s a small thing, but she sounded pleased for you and what you have with TJ.”

“Thank you. Your message actually means a lot, we weren’t exactly in the best of places the last time we saw one another. Did she seem ok to you?”

“She did. She handled things well there, in the aftermath she was comforting to the men who fought with us. Speaking of… Donaldson had nothing but good things to say about you, and I have to say if you had anything to do with his training, thank you. He saved Steve’s life.”

“Wow, ok. So he left that out.” Jack pondered, looking across at Steve on the sofa, laughing at Sam.

“Surprised?” Bucky’s voice was incredulous.

“No, just shocked that it was so – was it really that close? Of course it was. You wouldn’t make that up.” Jack struggled to think for a moment, “Donaldson was always a good soldier. I’m glad he was there, if I’d ever been asked to recommend someone, he’d be at the top of the list. He made it out ok?”

“Yeah, I had my doubts, first impression he seemed pretty green. I was relieved to be wrong.”

Jack smiled, “He was great undercover for that reason. Apparently guileless, but smart, and a savage with a knife.”

“Steve says you’re going to be working with him, sounds like you have a good tactical mind from what you’ve said and what’s been said about you.”

“I hope to live up to the praise. He’s an inspirational tactician. I expect to learn a lot.”

“Jack,” Bucky said with a chuckle, “this ain’t an interview.”

Jack laughed with him, “You’re a hard one to figure out.”

“Don’t I know it? I don’t know why I’m even here other than that promise I made to your sister, but I’m glad I came. Your boyfriend says Janie likes me. What should I do about that?”

“Get to know her, she’s pretty great.”

“Let me give you a clue Jack. I’ve been out of that game for a long, long time.”

“For Janie? Just talk to her. You don’t have to go deep if that’s a problem, but she’s a great listener. You might have noticed she likes to touch and hug. So if that’s a problem, tell her, she appreciates the forward honesty and won’t get her feelings hurt. If it’s not a problem, just soak it up. Also, she does it with everyone so jealousy won’t work out well for you.”

“You’ve only known her a week or so?”

“Yeah, but I’ve lived with her the whole time, she’s pretty open.” Jack looked at them laughing at Sam, “TJ’s also been a good source of info.”

“I don’t even know if that’s something I should be thinking about right now.” Bucky rubbed his neck, “and here I am, thinking about it.”

“The last thing I expected when I left Gilboa was a relationship. The _last_ thing. The man I loved had been dead for over a year and the woman I was supposed to sire an heir with ended up far too manipulative, even for whom I was then. A relationship was not even on the radar. I won’t tell you to do what we did; it’s probably the least healthy way to do this. I wouldn’t change it for me. You have to do what you need for you.”

Bucky sucked in a deep breath watching Janie laughing still, “so, I have no resources, I’m under the radar, what do I offer her?”

“Find out.” Jack said, clapping Bucky on the shoulder.

Steve saw the contact and was reflexively prepared to leap to Jack’s defense. He wasn’t prepared for the snicker and the congenial reaction Bucky gave, clapping Jack on the arm.

The two crossed the space and Bucky took up the spot on the sofa again, Steve pulled the documents out of his bag that rested at the side of the sofa, “Jack – you’re probably anxious to have these.”

Jack’s hand trembled, he felt emotional about taking the official documents that gave him his life back. He liked what he’d found here and hoped that some paperwork wouldn’t change that.

TJ saw Jack’s hesitation, he pulled himself up from the floor and went to Jack’s side, “it’s just freedom, nothing big.” He teased softly as he slipped his hand into Jack’s. “Nothing changes that you don’t want changed.”

“What? Do you think I’m expecting to open that up and see some kind of conditions to my freedom? You’d be right.” Jack tried to laugh but it came out as a strained breath.

“Well then look inside and shoot down the anxiety by disproving your expectations.” TJ offered, giving Jack’s hand a squeeze before moving his hand to Jack’s shoulder.

Jack took the packet and opened it, finding just his passport and other documents, as well as credit cards. He looked over the papers, “it’s astonishing how close those phony papers were.” He looked at Bucky. “You got me out of the country. Thanks for getting me that far before having me detained.”

“Hey, sorry about that. I needed a chance too.”

“I’d have hard feelings if I was sitting in a prison cell and you weren’t, but since I kinda like how things worked out all I can do is thank you.”

“Steve filled me in on the details, and the mistaken identity. I still can’t grasp the whole thing.” Bucky replied.

“We gave up trying.” TJ offered with a laugh. “It was weird enough when it was just the two of us sharing a face but things got weirder. I’m going to make that call for the penthouse, I’ll be right back.”

“TJ…” Steve started to protest.

“I want to do this. Please let me do this.”

Steve smiled fondly at the plea, “Thank you, TJ. We’d be honored.”

TJ left the room to make arrangements, Janie watched him go before turning her attentions back to Bucky, “if you guys are going to be here a day or two, would you have dinner with me before you leave?”

“I…” Bucky forced himself to look her in the eye, this never used to be this hard, “I’d like that Janie. Are you sure you know what you’re getting into?”

“Dinner. With a friend.” She smiled, “That’s enough to start, right?”

“Jack, when you get back we should meet.” Steve said, watching Janie and Bucky with a warm feeling, “depending on what TJ can arrange, I think I could still be here when you get back, if not I can certainly make the trip north.”

“I can call you when we get home. We can see where everyone is at that point because I’d like to get to work as soon as possible. Will you be relocated to New York soon?”

“If I can find something, that’s the plan.”

“I can see what I can find out, Steve,” Janie offered, “I have some connections, if you let me know what you’re looking for, maybe we can get it done. Sorry, always in ‘help’ mode.” She shrugged.

“I’d like that, since I was hoping to do some looking around while I’m here.”

TJ came into the room, “Ok I don’t know how long you guys are in the city, but you can have the penthouse for ten days. The concierge will contact you about menus and you have the run of the place.”

“TJ, that’s…” Steve was shocked, “that’s – are you sure?”

“Hey, there’s no one using it until the day after you check out, so I figured why the hell not? It’s already set. You’ll get the key when you see the concierge.”

“We’re going to be living high.” Sam said, “nobody’s gonna know how to get back to real life.”

“You guys are the furthest from real life already.” TJ teased, “you might as well allow yourselves some comfort, after all you’ve been through recently.”

TJ stopped next to Bucky as Janie collected plates and Sam helped her, “maybe you can invite Janie over for lunch or something, it’s not always easy letting the other person pay the bill. The kitchen will set up anything you want.”

“Wow, thank you.” Bucky’s arm tingled with goosebumps, he hadn’t been so overwhelmed in good feelings in – he couldn’t say how long, “I don’t know what to say TJ.”

“I owe you at least that much for your part in Jack coming into my life. Not only that, like I said before,” TJ smiled softly, “I’d do anything for Janie.”

“TJ, stupid question, but is there someplace I can smoke?” Bucky asked quietly.

“Let’s go outside. Janes? We’ll be back in a few.”

“Ok, Teej.” Janie said from the kitchen sink, where she and Sam were washing dishes. Jack looked up from the conversation he and Steve were having and smiled as TJ waved.

TJ led the way to the roof, “it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve had a smoke. God thank you for asking, Bucky.”

“I don’t usually, but it was getting too…” Bucky paused, lighting his cigarette.

“Too full of people and words and feelings?” TJ asked.

“Yeah,” The two of them smoked in silence, looking over the skyline. TJ enjoyed the quiet nearly as much as the cigarette. Bucky watched him, off and on, as he soothed his own nerves.

“I don’t know how to handle all of this, too much. There’s too much acceptance and too many people turning a blind eye to what I’ve done.”

“There’ll be plenty of people to throw stones at you, there’s going to be a lot of hurtful and hateful reactions to you and what you did. Take the support you have with the people down there and build yourself a solid foundation from it.

“I guarantee we’re not turning a blind eye, we’ve each done things we don’t want to be judged for, things we _are_ judged for, and I know they’re no match for what you’ve been through, but it’s life, not a pissing match. I guarantee you won’t find someone who did what you have, you’re unique, Bucky.

“I know he’s not in the same league, but when it comes to people who have done things they aren’t proud of, Jack’s probably the closest of the bunch of us who might be able to relate, if you need someone to talk to.”

“What’s the likelihood I’ve met all of the people on the planet who will support me in the last several days? Do you think the rest of the billions will be out for my blood?”

TJ laughed, “I don’t think it’s that dire. A lot of people will be on your side, but they’re never the noisy ones. The loudest ones are the ones who want to see you bleed.”

“I heard what you said about your grandmother. You seem to be pretty good at going to bat for others, Jack, me, Janie. Use the same approach,” Bucky explained, “You’re the one you’re going to bat for this time.”

“If we don’t get back inside, Janie’s going to think I’m out here getting high.” TJ winked.

“Steve’ll think I fled.” Bucky smirked.

“Then they’ll both come looking for us. We should save them the anxiety.”

They crashed into the apartment laughing about things they should probably never do if they wanted to avoid the wrath of Janie and Steve.

Everyone looked their way and they both clammed up, TJ blushed and Bucky walked to the arm of the sofa as if nothing had happened. “We all finished here?” he asked Steve.

TJ was biting back a snicker, Jack looked at the two of them, wondering what mystery they’d all missed out on. Steve suppressed a smile as he looked up at Bucky, “What’s your rush? Anxious to start living it up in a penthouse apartment?”

“As a matter of fact…” Bucky replied with a faint smirk teasing the side of his mouth.

Janie moved from the kitchen to the table by the door and pulled a card from her purse, “If we’re still on for dinner, you’re going to need my number. On the front is my office this…” she scribbled on the back, “is my cell.”

Janie took Bucky’s hand, the left one, and placed the card in his palm. “I’ll have TJ give me the penthouse phone number if I don’t hear from you.” She closed her fingers over his as she closed his hand on the card.

“I’ll call.” He said quietly.

“Do I get to hug you now that you know me?” she asked with a small smile and a wink.

He held out his right arm and Janie folded herself around him letting his hand drop, he slowly put both arms around her and soaked up the soft fragrance of her hair as it brushed his chin. Her arms tightened around his ribs, her hand rubbing his back. Bucky returned the embrace, settling his arms around her shoulders.

Janie pulled from the hug and took his hand in hers, “Thank you for visiting, for sending us Jack, and for getting home safely Bucky.”

“Thank you for feeding us, and for all of your kindness Janie. I’ll call you soon.”

“Yes, thanks for all of the food. It really hit the spot.” Steve rose and stepped out from between the sofa and coffee table, he put a light hand on the small of Janie’s back as he passed by them.

She turned, “You’re not getting away without one too.” She reached for Steve and he let her hug him, smiling over the top of her head.

Jack crossed the space and shook Steve’s hand, “Thanks for everything, bringing the stuff by when it could have been handled differently, taking extra care with my sister, just everything.”

“The least I could do, I still owe you thanks for your help getting to and helping Bucky. I expect to see more good work out of you soon.”

Jack and Janie thanked Sam for his help, the support, and the therapist info from Jack and help with the dishes and cleanup from Janie. “Don’t think you’re getting away without a hug too.” Janie finished, tugging Sam into a big, playful hug and making him chuckle as he squeezed her back.

TJ met everyone at the door, “Everyone’s so thankful.” He smirked, “including me. You’ve all given me pep-talks and really good advice today, and I appreciate each one of you more than you could know. I’ll do my best to follow it all. If there’s anything wrong at the penthouse, let me know, ok?”

With agreements and farewells, Janie closed the door behind them with a smile. TJ threw himself onto the sofa, Jack stood at the end where TJ’s head was on a toss pillow, “Up.” He commanded. TJ lifted his head and then laid it back on Jack’s lap when he sat.

“Boys… I knew today was a good day to stay home from work.” Janie said with a musical lilt as she pushed TJ’s legs off the sofa and sat where they had been. He picked his feet up and put them across her with a smirk.

“I wondered why you were here.” TJ said as Jack’s fingers trailed through his hair. “Not that it wasn’t perfect.”

“and Janie might get herself her own TJ lookalike.” Jack teased, causing TJ to giggle.

“I hope there are no more of you out there. I honestly do, they get more intense each time.” Janie scowled at Jack. “He’s really dreamy though.”

“Really, Jack – we’re the Bucky lookalikes aren’t we? I mean he did come first. What if we’re clones?”

“Jesus, TJ.” Janie smacked TJ’s shin, “This world is just messy enough for that to be a possibility, don’t creep me out.”

“Sorry Janes.” TJ chuckled, “it’s just that weird. Jesus, I’m tired and it’s only what?” He pulled out his phone, “one. It’s one. If I fall asleep and don’t wake up for Nana, don’t wake me.”

They both laughed at TJ and Jack assured him “we will.”

“Doesn’t that figure?” TJ groaned dramatically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not your typical thanksgiving, but a meeting over a meal to express gratitude all the same.


	29. Chapter 29

“I don’t know how you super-people do it.” Sam said as the three of them stepped into the opulent entry of the penthouse apartment, “But I think I’m going to sleep for a week.”

Steve shrugged as they stepped into the living room “I don’t think you can enjoy all of this if you’re sleeping, Sam.”

“I’ll bet the beds and the blankets are at least as nice as at the palace.” Sam argued, wandering to the end of the long, wide hallway “and we only had a few hours to sleep there. I think I have some making up to do and a full belly to motivate me.”

Bucky circled the perimeter, looking at the art on the walls and the sparse decorations on the sideboard. His fingers trailed along the spines of books on the wall-sized book case. “I could read for as long.” He said quietly, plucking a book from the second highest shelf. As he got to the piano in front of the window he noticed the bowl of fruit on the center of the closed cover. He breathed in, able to detect the fruity essences, and pleased it wasn’t some useless wax fruit. Bucky pulled an apple from the pyramid and bit into it. He savored the tang and sweetness on his tongue as the juice trailed down his throat while looking out the window over the city.

Steve watched as Bucky circled the room like a cat before leaving him to bask in the sunshine with his apple, and taking his bag down the hall. Steve found the first room perfectly acceptable and started unpacking. He was going to settle down for ten days, not living out of a bag for once in quite a long time. He was more than ready to find a place, and if Janie had any connections that could help, maybe these ten days would be the start he was looking for.

Bucky found that the chair nearest the wall of windows was perfect for reading, he moved the chair a few feet to the right, so that it sat where the wall and glass met, so that he could see out and have good light but the glare wouldn’t interfere with the white pages. It would also put him out of any sight-lines, and he couldn’t be taken from behind by surprise, but those were thoughts he tried not to focus on.

Bucky sat back in the oversize chair with his legs stretched out across the ottoman. Taking another bite of the apple, he opened the book, reading about the Apollo astronauts’ experiences in their race to get to the moon. Hours passed as he turned pages to get to the next real-life adventure. Bucky vaguely heard Steve go in and out of his bedroom, heard him sit across the room on the sofa, presumably with his laptop. He didn’t tear his eyes away from the pages of interviews with the astronauts and others who sent men to the moon to find out.

He recognized the change in lighting as the sun began to set, but he just kept reading. His stomach growled and he wished he’d grabbed the fruit bowl earlier, but he read on, enjoying the deep connection through the words with a real life fantasy.

Steve pulled up his email once he was seated on the sofa. He scrolled through, not finding anything too urgent. He’d stopped paying attention to “important” flags when they came from Stark, all of his were sent “important”. He sorted the business from the real-estate agency emails and was relieved that no emails were waiting for his immediate response. He clicked the first realtor email and looked at the details with a cringe. He looked across the room to see Bucky immersed in the book he’d pulled from the shelf earlier. He replied to the email “Smaller, cheaper.”

After several more emails similar to that one, he gave up. He’d call Janie in a while, get her contacts. Steve shifted focus to work, plotting out training strategy, answering important and less than important questions I order of urgency. He stretched, arching his back before bringing his hand to the back of his neck to work on the tension that had set in there from this – his least favorite part of work – and his poor posture. He looked up at the wall of windows, noting the darkening sky, he crossed the room to turn a light on.

Bucky looked up at the change in lighting, “sorry” Steve apologized when Bucky squinted at the harsh light.

“Don’t be, I was either going to have to do that or stop. Didn’t want to stop.”

“I can see what the kitchen has in store for us if you’re hungry.” Steve said as he looked for the house phone he’d seen TJ use the last time he was here.

“I am. Very hungry. I need to remember to park closer to the fruit bowl if I’m going to get into a book.”

“What ya readin?” Steve sat on the arm of the chair. Bucky flipped the book over his hand so that Steve could see the cover, “ _A Man on the Moon: Voyages of the Apollo Astronauts_ by Andrew Chaikin. Looks interesting.”

“It has been. You should read it, I mean, if you’d like.”

“I just might.” Steve located the phone and called the kitchen. They took his order and said they’d send a menu with the meal so that they could customize the rest of their meals if they would like. He should be used to this, being around Tony, but he wasn’t. Community meals like at Janie’s hit closer to home, even if the food was more plentiful there than in his youth.

Steve went to the shelves of books to see if he could find anything, idly talking while Bucky was reading would just be rude, and to sink himself into a good book sounded like a little piece of heaven.

* * *

TJ fought sleep as Jack’s fingers tickled his scalp and tugged through his hair. The soothing rhythmic movements defeated his attempts and he snoozed for some time before Jack eased out from under his head, and gently settled TJ on the silk covered throw pillow. Janie was reading something on her phone, so Jack stepped out of the apartment and went to the roof to make his phone call.

After getting his therapist appointment set for the week after they were coming back, he called and made travel arrangements for himself and TJ. He was certain they’d both get an earful for not traveling with the president, but he and TJ had discussed it at length and agreed, it would make for a better trip all around if they were able to start it off and end it without the drama that surrounds a political leader.

Jack leaned against the wall, looking at the rooftop more than the view beyond it. He felt the tunnel vision settle in as he focused on a distant point and considered how things would likely go. They’d get through the airport fuss, but there would be press, with the president flying to Gilboa, eyes would be peeled for the president’s children. He would be mistaken for TJ, if TJ wasn’t spotted first. Then people would realize he was the son of the fallen monarchs. He’d had to handle US press before, piranhas. He and TJ would have to rush through this and they had no security. That would have to be corrected. He would have to talk to TJ about it and they could get an independent security team.

Once on the flight, they would have little privacy, but they would have more than in the airport. Bring books, games, something to pass the time. He wouldn’t be looking over his shoulder this time and he’d be in first class. That felt good.

He couldn’t visualize anything once they landed, he couldn’t imagine what he’d find when he had his feet on the ground in his country or how he’d respond to Michelle and the baby – and David. Shepherd never saw the best of Jack, would probably call him an impostor. “Get those thoughts out Jack.” He said aloud, “remember what Sam said.”

Jack breathed deeply and blinked away the tunnel vision. He sank to the floor and cried. He sat folded around himself and thought about the terror and the loss, the fear of the future and he cried into his knees. He bawled until he couldn’t cry any more. Nobody interrupted him, he didn’t have TJ’s warm embrace to pull him away from it and he let it all go.

Jack sat, his chest heaving until he caught his breath, and felt the tears drying on his cheeks. He sat for just a while longer thinking about how the cry felt complete. It felt good, when he was done, to have purged not only the words yesterday but honest tears today.

He looked around, the sun was lower in the western sky, the colors were starting to change, and he looked at the time, he’d better check on TJ. He wouldn’t _actually_ appreciate being let sleep through getting ready to have dinner with his grandmother.

Jack walked in to see Janie snoozing on the sofa with TJ’s legs still across her lap. He approached TJ and knelt near his head, “hey sexy kitten,” Jack whispered near TJ’s ear. “time to wake up you sleepy feline you.”

TJ opened his eyes slowly, catching a glimpse of Jack’s soft smile, he reached up and cupped Jack’s cheek in his hand. “Hey.” TJ smiled. “What time is it?”

“It’s four-thirty, I figured you should get ready for your dinner.” Jack moved so TJ could sit up, “I need to talk to you about something while you do, I’m sure it’ll come up with your grandmother anyway.”

“You’re dumping me after all?” TJ said, half-joking, the half that wasn’t a pit in his stomach.

“Oh, worse than that.” Jack kissed TJ’s cheek, before helping him up from the couch, “I booked our flight, we’re going to need security. Your mother will be heading out. There’ll be press and they’ll be looking for her children.”

“And they’ll find me, with the mourning son of the dead rulers.” TJ added, lowering his voice when he noticed Janie still sleeping at the end of the sofa, “Private security?”

“Yes, that was what I wanted to ask you,” Jack followed TJ into the bedroom, “in addition to making sure you knew we needed to do it and are ok with it.”

“They’ll work for us and not my mother; I’ll be fine with it.”

“I’ll make that call while you’re out. I have to say, TJ, it feels good to do things like make flight arrangements.”

“But you’ve been crying.” TJ observed, taking Jack’s hands in his, “Thought I wouldn’t notice your tear-streaked cheeks? Are you ok?”

“I just cried until I couldn’t any more. It just crashed in on me and I feel much better now.”

“I believe you. Why didn’t you say something?” Jack pulled away from TJ and paced the room. TJ watched as Jack seemed to be considering his answer.

“I don’t know if I’m always going to tell you when I have a weak moment, you get ringside seats most of the time anyway.” Jack looked over at TJ to gauge his reaction, TJ was listening patiently, “I probably would have said something tonight after you got home, I wouldn’t put that on you willingly before you have to go do something you’re stressing over.”

“I hope you tell me more often than not, but I understand. What the fuck am I supposed to wear that says “I’ve got my shit in one manageable pile and I’m not pretending”??”

“Clothes, good start. Dress for dinner, dress up a little, she’s your gran.” Jack nudged TJ toward the closet and stood behind him looking over his shoulder at the hanging clothes, “you’re going to have a nice night. Don’t fret so.”

“I want you to come with me. But I know it’s just an evasive measure.” TJ leaned back against Jack.

“You’re stronger than that. You can do this, she’s one of your favorite people, and she loves you. What is your plan?”

“I am going to apologize for shutting her out for the last three-plus weeks and explain why I took the time and space away from everyone.” TJ inhaled deeply, Jack’s scent surrounding him, “I’m going to ask her if she can look at how she expresses her concern, if she can’t do it in a less accusatory manner and if she could give me the space I ask for instead of intimidating me into breaching it.”

Jack snaked his arms around TJ’s waist, kissing the back of his neck, “You’ll do fine. If you don’t manage all of it, don’t worry. Saying it to me and to her are two different things.”

“So if I fail, I’m not a failure? You know what my biggest fears here are? Hurting her and chasing her completely away. Nothing she can say is any worse than we’ve already covered between her and me.”

“So you won’t hurt her. Tell her up front that you have misgivings about how to approach it, let her know you’re struggling through the conversation, she’s your grandmother not a potential employer. She has seen your worst, standing up for yourself will win her over.”

“Go to bat for myself.” TJ said quietly.

“Yes, exactly that.” Jack pushed TJ closer to the closet, “But do it in a nice shirt.”

“It’s something Bucky told me this morning.” TJ tugged a blue shirt from its hanger. “Said I go to bat for everyone else, just do the same thing for myself this time.”

“The three lookalikes, can give each other advice but sure as shit can’t figure it out for themselves.”

“Easier said than done Jack-m'boy.” TJ turned around, with the shirt, “This blue?”

“That blue is perfect, put that with black pants and those shoes in the corner.” Jack instructed, watching TJ pull the shirt on.

“You’ve got a good eye, I was thinking about those shoes too.” TJ bent over to retrieve them.

“I’m so glad we agree,” Jack said as he leaned to watch TJ’s rear.

“You’re gawking at my ass, aren’t you?” TJ’s muffled voice came from the closet.

“Of course I am, you would do the same thing.”

“That hot ass? You bet.” TJ turned around, “jacket? Suit or leather?”

“Leather, Take a tie with you, but don’t wear it unless it’s required for seating. Hopefully she’ll take your comfort level into consideration and not go anywhere too posh.”

"Hopefully." TJ agreed, stepping into the pants Jack recommended. His phone chirped as he was zipping them. He took it from Jack, "Nana. Hey i'm almost ready."

"Good, I'll be there in about twenty minutes. Nice to hear you didn't decide to ditch me."

"How could I? I would never ditch you - especially after such a  gracious invitation."

Jack snickered quietly at TJ's sass.

"I'll see you in a few Nana." TJ ended the call, "Ugh, I'm such an ass."


	30. Chapter 30

Margaret Barrish stepped out of the small elevator, looking around the narrow hallway. It was clean and quiet, that was good. The lighting could be better, the fixture nearest the elevator the only one lit. She walked along the corridor, looking for 512. She stopped at the door, steeling her nerves. She pushed this on TJ just like everyone always did. She couldn’t help it, she needed to see if he was really ok. He only disappeared when he was finding trouble or trouble had found him, so this adventure didn’t sit well with her.

She heard laughter on the other side of the door before she could ring, “You two are impossible,” Margaret heard a girl say in an exasperated but laughing voice. She hesitated before buzzing, thinking the voice was so close to the door that it would be pulled open, but when it wasn’t she finally raised a hand to the button. “I can’t help it Janie – he’s a problem.” Margaret hear TJ’s laughing voice. A smile lit her heart as she pushed the button and it buzzed.

“By all means, get the door, it’s never for me anymore anyway.” Margaret heard the girl’s voice trailing away and then TJ stood before her, bright-eyed and smiling.

“Nana!” He tugged her into a bear hug.

“Easy, these old bones can’t take so much pressure.” She chuckled, holding him nearly as tight.

“Nonsense,” he said into her hair as he hugged her some more, easing up slightly. “you’re as fit as any of us.”

She pulled away, holding him at arms’ length, “Not if you keep giving me reasons to worry.”

“Nana, you should meet my friends. Janie, Jack, my grandmother, Margaret Barrish. Nana, this is Janie, my best friend and sponsor and this is Jack Benjamin, my boyfriend.”

She’d been warned, she knew who Jack Benjamin was and had some very distinct ideas about him and what he could be doing with TJ. She also looked at the pride and love in TJ’s eyes and saw the same coming from the lookalike prince.

“Janie, you’ve been working to improve this?” Margaret smiled at the strawberry blonde girl, “He’s a lot of work.”

“No, he isn’t. He is a joy, TJ has been doing all of the work himself. I’m so happy to meet you, TJ speaks very highly of you.”

“He doesn’t know any better, he’s only seen my good side.” Margaret winked at Janie, taking TJ’s hand and folding it into both of hers. She turned to Jack. “I’m afraid, we weren’t properly introduced, Your Highness.”

“Yes, Ms. Barrish, we were. It’s just Jack. I’m pleased to meet you.” Jack took Margaret’s delicate hand, placing a kiss on the back of it. “TJ neglected to tell me he takes after you in wit and looks.”

“Bullshit.” Margaret laughed. “I like you.” She decided she really did like Jack.

“So, Nana, we’re off to dinner? Good, I haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

“What’s the hurry TJ?” Margaret’s laughter still bubbled under the surface. “Jack, are you coming with us?”

“Not this time, thanks. I’m taking Janie to dinner, to repay at least a fraction of her hospitality. Thank you for thinking of me.”

“You won’t get out of it so easily the next time.” She flashed her winning smile at Jack.

TJ pulled away briefly to kiss Jack, “Have fun with Janie – don’t get her into trouble.”

“I’ll do my best,” Jack held TJ close, “don’t get your grandmother into trouble.”

“You mean don’t let her get me into trouble.” TJ teased, linking arms with Margaret before pulling completely away from Jack.

“Who are we kidding, without trouble where would we be?” Jack smiled. “I’ll see you later.”

Outside the apartment, Margaret looked up at TJ, “you look well. I’m glad to see it.”

“I’m working on it. There are things I need to do, some of them aren’t easy.” TJ said as they stepped into the elevator.

“No, they’re not.” Margaret agreed. “You disappeared. That’s not good TJ.”

“I went to Grandpa Hammond’s farm for a couple of weeks. It was very good for me. I made the move, announced quietly through Doug, to New York. I’m not sure how good it’s been for me yet, I’ve failed twice but I have Jack and Janie and I’ve made some other friends. Business is my biggest challenge, but I’m gaining a realistic view so I know how to tackle that after we get back to the country.”

She listened, watching him look at his hands and not her.

“I need to talk to you. I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what, TJ? Of me?”

“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt your feelings.”

“I’m not as sensitive as all that, TJ. What could you have to say that makes you think so?”

The elevator settled on the main floor with the familiar jolt that mimicked the way TJ’s stomach felt right now. “Where are we going for dinner?” He asked as he escorted his grandmother out of the building.

“There’s a restaurant around the corner I’ve always enjoyed. You’re changing the subject. Talk to me while we walk.”

“I thought you’d have a car?”

“It’s a nice night. I can use the exercise. Talk.”

“That’s just it. I know you care, and I know you worry, and god knows I give you more reason to worry than anyone deserves, but you… I… I need a different approach. I need you to understand when I need time away. I’m happy to see you, but I’d pulled away from everyone so I could find my way through this move. I was going to get with you when I was ready.

“Just like when mom called me on Dougie’s phone because I wasn’t answering her calls, you gave me no choice about this – about today. I wasn’t sure I was ready to tell you this yet, and again you gave me no options.

“Caring for myself is about choices and options, Nana. I need to be able to be completely in control of my life, including choosing when I’m ready to be put into a situation with a person whenever possible. Even you.”

TJ’s heart skipped when she stopped short. “Nana?”

“It’s about damned time.” Margaret felt pride in TJ’s ability to stand up for himself and even though she didn’t like the way she felt, not recognizing what she’d been doing to her dear grandson, she was bursting with pride from the words ‘caring for myself’. “I wish you’d have said something before. I – it’s a defense mechanism TJ. I know it’s not fair and I promise I’ll try. If you let me get away with it again, it’s on you.”

“You’re saying you’re not mad?”

“I’ll never be mad at you for doing what you need to be healthy. You know how I feel, how frightened I get for you.” She paused, taking his hands in hers, “TJ, since I’m here, would you still have dinner with me?”

TJ wrapped his arms around his grandmother, “I’d love to.”

* * *

Jack looked at Janie after they left, “he’s a wreck, but he can do this.”

“Yes he can. What about you and that story about taking me to dinner?” Janie watched Jack as he stood with his hands in his pockets. She knew he was wrestling with everything; maybe going out just the two of them would be good for him.

“It wasn’t a story, if you’re up for it, I’d like to take you out. Let’s get spoiled.”

“Ok, I like it.” Janie smiled, “let’s go then.”

“I think you’re going to want to change.” Jack grinned, “that dress you keep for a special occasion? Go put it on.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’m just that good.” Jack smirked. “I also have a sister.”

“You have a princess for a sister who would never have to worry about something as mundane as that.”

“Ok TJ has a big mouth. Do you want to go someplace special?”

“I'm changing.” She couldn’t quite suppress the grin.

“By the way, I don’t know if I broke a rule with TJ or not.” Jack called from outside Janie’s room.

“Come in, you goof. What do you mean?” Janie asked, looking over her shoulder at Jack from the closet.

“We went to lunch – they had wine there.”

“You are a goof. Public places are outside the apartment. He should steer clear of nightclubs but a restaurant in New York City that doesn’t serve beer or wine is going to be hard to find. He did ok didn’t he?”

“Yeah, he did. He’s got this real attitude, though, when I don’t order something. I wish I could get it across to him that I’m working on this thing.”

“Thing, Jack?”

“I don’t know Janie – I can’t say it’s an addiction can I? I mean it’s not something that I’m driven to but I did use it for self-medication a lot.” He turned away when she shimmied out of her jeans, “It’s a thing. I’m afraid if I start now, before we go into whatever we’re going into this week, that I’ll just keep drinking or worse. So much about where I’m going is making me cringe.”

“Whatever you’re going into. You mean funeral services, people you haven’t seen in over a year, public humiliation.”

“Yeah, all the usual.” Jack said quietly, watching out of the corner of his eye as Janie stepped into a clingy blue dress.

“Why can’t you say it out loud, Jack?”

“It’s a mouthful.” Jack said evasively. Janie turned to look at him, waiting patiently for him to continue, daring him to acknowledge what he was avoiding. “I’m scared.”

She stepped up to him, “zip please.” After his fingers deftly complied Janie turned and took his hands in hers, “what are you afraid of?”

“I went on such a power trip Janie. What if it’s bubbling under the surface and I just lose it? What if I turn into that insecure, attention whore again?”

“You won’t. You haven’t been that person in more than a year.”

“Power and attention are very addicting, Janie.”

“Ok, that I can understand. You’re just afraid of it though, right?” Janie walked away from Jack to grab some shoes, “heels-We’re getting a ride right? You’re not hatching any plots between now and when you land?”

“Yes, I’ll call a car or we can hail a taxi. Of course not. No, I just have two sets of memories stacking up on top of each other. Blinding rage and thirst for power, along with humiliation and desperation. I don’t want to be either of those people. I don’t want to feel any of those things.

Janie stepped into her heels and led the way out of the bedroom, “I know you’ll do fine Jack. Everyone experiences a little anxiety when it comes to events like funerals, you have a magnified version on your horizon with foreign dignitaries and the added drama of being in a relationship with the son of one. You also left under extreme circumstances, and haven’t seen the people you’re going to see since before every one of you was emotionally wrecked by the first events.”

“I still don’t know how as minister of information I missed Hydra.” Jack lamented as he pulled out his phone and dialed the car company from the day before.

“You were successfully embroiled in the smokescreen. You couldn’t see the forest for the trees, the embodiment of that platitude. What would you tell TJ if he were the one with the doubts?”

“Janie, you do not play fair.” Jack answered, before ordering the car.

“I know, it’s part of my charm.” Janie said as Jack pocketed his phone and offered her his arm.

“You look amazing. Let’s go out and I’ll think about my answer to your question.”

* * *

TJ and Margaret were seated at a small table near a glass fireplace. They’d ordered their food and drinks, coffee and water for TJ, water for Margaret. TJ had cocked his head at her when she ordered and she met his look with a shrug.

“I’m interested in your move, how has it been?” TJ could tell Margaret was trying. He smiled at her softly.

“It’s been full of hurdles. From day one when I met Jack to today when I had company coming at both ends of the day. I tried two of the contacts I had made meetings with and they both fell apart for different reasons, but I’m working on it.

“I’ve had some itchy moments and one practical breakdown.”

“How did this thing with Jack Benjamin happen?” Still trying, but not going to let her curiosity stay dormant.

“Surely you know the story, I’ve seen hints online, as soon as the monarchs’ deaths were public the press has been whispering and speculating, we were both seen at the airport and shopping and out to eat.”

“I want your version, TJ.”

“Starting with how could I be so stupid?”

“Starting with “I met a boy, Nana, and I think I’m in love.” Unless you think you’re not in love and you think you’ve been stupid?”

“It’s what I usually hear. I figured why would it change?”

“Start over.” She took his hand in hers. “Start over and tell me what’s in your heart.”

“I met a boy and I think I’m in love. No, that’s not true. I know I’m in love.” TJ said as the server brought their food. “Thank you. I knew I needed to help him, even before I knew why it mattered, and that was when I was mad at him and the situation – it messed with my plans.”

“You have a good heart, and it gets you into trouble sometimes. Are you in trouble TJ?”

“I don’t think so. It could have gone that way. It sucks to say that because half of his family died his life got easier and so did mine, but really… He’s no longer a fugitive so I’m no longer a giant stain on mom’s presidency, just another TJ screw-up.”

“You left the family behind,” she held a hand up to stop his argument, “don’t – What I’m saying is you left the… you left the compound, so that you could separate yourself from your mother and your father. Keep it separate, TJ. Don’t do things (or not do them) because of how the president will look. Do them because you need to, as long as you’re not harming yourself.”

“Until that blows up in my face.”

“If she has a problem she can come through me, and probably that boy of yours. Don’t even get me started on that Janie. She wanted to tell me what for.”

“I guess she did, she hasn’t minced words with me, Jack or Dougie. I would love to see her with mom and dad.” TJ chuckled.

“So I got a pass because I’m old?”

“No, because I was stressed about tonight. You got a pass so I wouldn’t freak out.”

“I like the idea of you having friends that will watch out for you, protect you, even from your family. A damned sight better than your previous acquaintances.”

“I do too, I can go to Janie for anything. She’s saved me Nana. So many times.”

“What about Jack, how does his playboy lifestyle fit into this?”

“He has been understanding and supportive. He saved me too. A couple of times already. You can’t hold what the press says against him – if you do, you know the same applies to me.”

“The undercurrent of truth is enough to worry me.”

“He’s had troubles, caused some too. Not here, not with me. I believe in him and he wants to be a better person, isn’t that all any of us really want?”

“I meant it when I told him I liked him, something about him – he’s charismatic but that’s not it. I just don’t want you to be hurt.”

“I know. Janie said the same, extending it to not wanting Jack to be hurt either. Trust me hurting each other isn’t in the plan.”

“It never is.” Margaret looked at TJ with meaning.

“Do you want me to avoid being hurt by avoiding being loved? I could be hurt by the most vanilla, healthy, boring person on the planet – would that be preferable? Or I could have love and passion and maybe not be hurt at all.” TJ worked to stay calm, to keep his voice at a communication level and it was taking every ounce of strength.

“You mean someone like that congressman?” Margaret’s lips tightened and she saw just a tick of TJ’s jaw, “I’m sorry, he’s a blight on society. Of course I want you to have love. I just don’t want to lose you in the process.”

“I know. I’m sorry for being so sensitive about it. Everyone asks, everyone worries, and everyone accuses me of not knowing what I’m doing. Is it any wonder I’ve tried every known escape route?” TJ dragged his fingers along the seam of his pant leg, a habit now that Jack would recognize and stop his hand with a calm one. Jack wasn’t here and TJ worried the seam as he waited for a rebuttal.

“I won’t push you on it. I just want you to be careful. Do you know how hard I’m trying TJ?”

TJ smiled a fond smile, “Yeah, I can tell. Thank you for that. If you could see Jack and me together, if you could give me the benefit of the doubt…”

“I want that TJ. I want to see you together. Would he have breakfast with us in the morning? He didn’t seem interested in coming.”

“He would have come, I told him I needed to do this alone. I couldn’t use him as a crutch when I was baring my fears, hopes, and dreams to you. He would definitely come to breakfast.” TJ got excited at the idea that she was giving this a shot.

“Well then I’ll get to see you again before I go back.”

“Um, I – you have a place to stay right? I mean you’re not planning on going to the penthouse are you?”

“Are you kidding? I don’t need to go rattle around that big – TJ? Why are you worried about me going to the penthouse?” Well, there went the fragile trust that was building. He heard the accusation in her tone.

“I didn’t want you to be shocked by the sight of three big men hanging out and making use of the amenities.” TJ said honestly. “I had some friends needing a place to stay. I know it sounds bad, you know Dad worked with Jack and with Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson, right?”

“Yeah? No way! You’re not telling me that Captain America is staying at the penthouse with two other men?”

TJ laughed, “Oh no – it’s not like that Nana, Steve and Sam rescued Steve’s friend from Gilboa, they just got back to New York from that nightmare. I knew the penthouse wasn’t booked so I offered the place to them for as long as it’s available, which happens to be 10 days.”

“Maybe I should spend some time at the penthouse…” Margaret mused, making TJ laugh again. “I love your laugh TJ. I've missed it so.”

“It’s been happening a lot lately.” TJ admitted, “Sometimes it’s followed by tears though, so I’m nowhere near perfect.”

“You do seem to be in a better state of mind. I’ve promised to work on my approach, will you promise me something TJ?”

“I can try. It depends on what impact it might have on my recovery.” TJ admitted, instead of blindly accepting her request.

“Don’t keep me in the dark. Don’t let almost a month go before you call me or answer my calls.”

“I’ll be better. In my defense, the time flew by with preparing for the move and the meetings. That and things between Jack and me.”

“As long as you try. You haven’t asked…” Margaret said, waiting and watching TJ.

“Asked what?”

She picked up her glass, half full of water.

“I figured it was for my benefit. It happens everywhere I go.” TJ answered, “It’s getting old, but that’s my problem to work through.”

“Not entirely for your benefit. I’ve been dry since you left. Not because of you, but maybe inspired by you.”

“Really? Nana, that’s – that’s great!” TJ’s grin grew, “How are you doing with it?”

“I don’t have to tell you it’s hard.” He shook his head when she looked at him.

“No, you don’t. Wow. I’m so proud of you.”

* * *

“So, have you considered my question?” Janie asked as she and Jack waited for their food.

“Janie, I don’t know what I’d tell TJ this time.” Jack answered, “I don’t see him when I think of this mess. I mean I see him _with me_ , and it scares me to think of him watching me turn into the menace that I was.”

 “You’ve got a vivid imagination Jack.” Janie’s smile was warm, “I’m not trying to belittle you, I know you’re scared. What makes you feel like you’re going to turn into a menace?”

“I’m afraid that a desire to escape the services and all the pomp and circumstance surrounding the services could lead to something unhealthy for me and for TJ.”

“Your escape routes.” Janie breathed, watching as Jack cringed, biting his lip, “The clubs, the sex and the drugs.”

“Exactly, I don’t want to go there, but what if it just happens? I revert and…”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, what I’m hearing is that you’ve had a sort of dream, either asleep or awake where you just moved laterally from being the good person you are to the person you used to be before everything, without choosing. I honestly don’t see you checking out like that, Jack.

“You will have the chance to ask yourself “how do I want to get away from this thing that makes me feel like this?” And you will be able to choose the right escape plan. Take TJ for a walk around the city. Excuse yourselves and go to your room to touch each other and worship one another, or have mind-altering sex.”

“I don’t blush, how is it you make me blush Janie?” Jack asked quietly, sipping his coffee.

“I guess you feel comfortable with me. Jack, I have a question. I can’t ask TJ the same question but you… you I can ask.”

“Ok, that makes me wonder what I’m in store for.” Jack smirked.

“Do you just like boys Jack? Was your dalliance with girls for show or did you ever enjoy it?”

“Am I bisexual?” Jack laughed. “You’re so open and forward Janie, and you shied away from a single word.”

“I don’t even know if it’s my business.” Janie admitted with a blush of her own. “I think – TJ has expressed interest in girls before and I think he might not have considered that he is bisexual. I think he makes excuses and it would be healing for him if he could realize that he doesn’t need to make excuses for being attracted to more than one gender.”

“I am up for anything that makes TJ feel empowered. As for me? I don’t know. It was always for show, or mostly I guess. I haven’t thought to label my sexuality. I know what I like, I know who I love, and I prefer men now that I get to make that choice.”

“I’m sorry Jack, I really don’t know why I asked.”

“Don’t be sorry, Janie. We’re friends and I love that you’re curious by nature. You’ve opened the door to your concern about TJ. Between the three of us, the things we’ve shared and the things we’ll share in the future, this is just conversation. What about you?”

“I’m very into men.” Janie laughed. “I experimented a lot when I was trying to fit in, between sex and drugs, and I know for sure I prefer men.”

“You experimented? Do you have stories?” Jack teased.

“NO. I do not have stories. There are no stories.” Janie laughed. “What happened was drug fueled and it would be unfair to divulge any stories. I confess I have been actively flirting with both of you. How weird is that-now there’s Bucky and he is _actually a little_ interested in my flirting?”

“I know you’ve been flirting. TJ knows too, we’re not blind Janie. Neither of us wants to complicate home life and TJ _really_ doesn’t want to complicate or jeopardize your relationship. I do think you should take it _really_ slow with Bucky, he’s very skittish.”

“I know, I recognized it too. I’m being very careful of him and his feelings. There’s a whole world of unexplored problems and possibilities with him. I want to be his friend first. Nothing like you two crazy kids, losing all control.”

“I’m glad you are Janie. He’s potentially dangerous, you can see it lurking. I don’t think he intends it or even wants it, but I’m glad you’re being cautious. Ok.” Jack took a deep breath, “New topic. One I’ve been trying not to dwell on. TJ’s grandmother has alcohol problems, do you believe TJ is in a place where he can be safe with her no matter what she chooses?”

“Have you been worrying about this since before TJ left?” Janie asked.

“I put my trust in TJ.” Jack saw where her question steered him, “Just because I trust him, doesn’t mean I won’t worry.”

“I understand. He’s ok, I’m certain he’d call or text if it got too serious. That one day in the penthouse was an extreme situation.”

“Doesn’t it make you worry?”

“No Jack. I can’t let it, because I have hundreds of texts that prove he would reach out, versus the one time he didn’t. I know that one time could have been devastating but I also have faith. He hesitated even when he didn’t contact me.” Janie sipped her drink, considering Jack’s expression, “Are you really that worried?”

“No, just a little concerned. I know he was nervous, and I don’t know his grandmother, but I know he distanced himself from all of them for as long as he felt he needed to. Then again, with the exception of him reaching out to his father for my sake, he didn’t choose when any of them came back into his life.”

“Yeah, that’s about par for the course. Do you think he’s going to stand his ground tonight? He hasn’t been able to yet.”

“He seemed very decided when he told me what he was planning to say. He’s getting frustrated with everyone popping in. I think he’s ready to stand up. I’m actually inspired by his strength. I think between your advice and his spirit, I can make it through the next several days.”

“Jack, question, if TJ didn’t go with you, would you still be ok?”

“I think I would. I’d **really** hate every minute of it if that were the case. Do you know something I don’t know?” Jack looked up at Janie through the veil of his lashes.

“No, it’s just a nice exercise to put things in perspective. It could even remind you that you can do it when you think you can’t.”

“We have been practically inseparable. I know it’s not healthy, we both do. I made a therapy appointment for when we get back.”

“Last night was the first time you were apart since you got together, I’m proud of the two of you for so many things. Embracing your feelings – some people would be too proud or stubborn and I clocked you both as that type. Recognizing that your – don’t get defensive I don’t know another way to describe it – codependence isn’t healthy. I’m very, very proud of you for making a therapist appointment. That’s something I’m sure you will not regret.”

“I’m sure the therapist is going to earn their money.” Jack laughed wryly then stopped, “I’m scared Janie.”

“I know. For all the words I can push at you, and have you understand, I can’t fix it. It’s not just the visit is it? A new future, opposite of what you ever believed you’d have. I hope the people you’ve met make it worth it.”

“I know they will, I can count at least four. Four people who look at me and see a person. Not an icon or a connection to something bigger. I mean something to someone without being able to elevate them in any way.”

“Jack,” Janie felt overcome with emotion, she moved from her seat and sat next to him, wrapping her arms around his waist, “I’m so sorry it took this long for you to know how that felt.”

Jack buried his face in Janie’s neck, her soft hair smelled like honeysuckle, he breathed in the sweetness and held onto her. “Me too, but I’m glad I know how important that realization is.” He answered softly next to her ear. “I don’t think I would if I’d grown up differently.”

* * *

“We should share a dessert.” TJ determined as he pushed his empty plate away.

“You’re going to have to eat more than your share.” Margaret agreed.

“I’m going to have to join a gym.” TJ laughed, “my metabolism just isn’t the same.”

She frowned and he laughed again, “Relax Nana, it’s ok to talk about, to joke about. Besides, I haven’t been eating as well these last couple weeks as I had the 18 months before and if I keep that up I will definitely need to join a gym, drug history or not.”

“Everyone has always tiptoed around it until they couldn’t figure out any other way to be harsh.”

“I know, you can’t ignore it though, it’s real, it happened.” TJ shrugged. “I mean maybe it’s ok for _me_ to joke about, but when I do, it is _really ok_ for you to laugh.”

Margaret smiled, “I can’t tell you how happy, and relieved I am, TJ. I really did try to give you time – I couldn’t help but worry with you so far away from home, in this city no less. I’ve been afraid.”

“I never gave you reason to be otherwise. I hope this gives you a picture to look back on so you can be less afraid?” TJ blinked back tears, knowing she’d always, in her harsh and sometimes defeatist way, at least wanted the best for him.

“Yes, it does, that and as long as you keep your promise to stay in touch. I worry, and when I worry it’s hard to stay dry.”

“No, no, no. Don’t put that on me,” TJ started to feel panic, “I can’t be responsible for that Nana. Don’t do that to me, I barely have my own shit in a pile.”

“I know. I’m sorry, that was unfair.” She closed her eyes, “I worry because I love you and I’m your grandmother, just send me a message every now and then to let me know you’re ok. Don’t make me worry about you more than I have to.”

“That I can do.” TJ agreed, feeling relief flood him. “I think I’ve changed my mind about dessert, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind, if you’re sure? I didn’t ruin it for you?”

“No, we have some pretty good ice cream back at the apartment though, if you’d join me?”

“Only if you play your new songs for me while I’m there. Dougie says they’re terrific.” Margaret waved for the check, “I should hear them before they’re huge hits.”

“If that happens…” TJ frowned, “Why am I such a fuck up?”

“TJ you’re not. You can’t let two less than satisfactory meetings deter you. You said you were figuring out your next move, don’t stop until you get through that, and the move after that.” Margaret signed the credit card receipt.

“I’m sorry, I really need to get out of my head. I forgot to call my therapist again today.” TJ thought out loud.

“I’ll remind you tomorrow after breakfast.” Margaret smiled, placing her hand on top of TJ’s. “Come on, you said something about ice cream.”

* * *

“Jack, this is probably the most opulent place I’ve ever been.” Janie gushed once the server had left the check. “thank you.”

“I wanted to treat you, you do so much for so many, and I wanted to spend some time with you, getting to know you better.”

“I thought you were just paying me back.” Janie wrapped her arms around Jack’s arm, Jack kissed the top of her head.

“I will do that too.” Jack promised, reluctantly freeing his arm to sign the check.

“Don’t you dare.” Janie said earnestly, “We don’t work that way.”

“Janie… I love you, you know that?”

“Good, because I love you too. Thanks for not arguing with me.”

“I’ve learned.” Jack rose with a smile, and offered a hand to Janie. “Ready to go home?”

“Yeah,” Janie took Jack’s offered hand and followed him out to the sidewalk, “Jack, thanks again for dinner, this was so nice.”

“I hope to do it more often.” Jack helped Janie into the waiting car, before sliding in next to her. “TJ and I talked about moving, finding someplace so that you could have your privacy back, but I’m not sure either of us really wants to leave yet. How long are you willing to keep us?”

“I didn’t know the topic had come up.”

“We were each thinking about our financial situation and the fact that we walk out of the bedroom in various stages of undress – which could be embarrassing if you brought home a guest.”

“For the guest, right?” Janie’s laugh was joyful.

“Yeah, for the guest.” Jack smiled.

“I’ll just have to warn my guests. I don’t foresee any of those for the long haul, I think I want to focus on something with Bucky if he’s willing and I don’t think we’ll get to the “bringing him home” phase too soon.”

“You never know, he might be starved for touch and for sex. I mean he’s been a prisoner, a solitary weapon, for so long, or it could be the exact opposite. Never mind, it’s not my business.” Jack looked out the window.

“You’re a caring person Jack.” Janie put her hand on Jack’s knee and he topped it with his.

“Thanks – you’ve been a good example.”

They held hands for the rest of the quiet ride, Jack considering the words Janie offered and Janie’s thoughts drifting to Bucky.

The car stopped outside the apartment building and Jack climbed out, spotting TJ and Margaret coming up the street. He helped Janie from the car before turning a warm smile and a wave to the duo, they were singing.

TJ’s step quickened when he saw Jack get out of the car, Margaret looked at him because of the pace change and saw his smile grow. Her hand on his arm tightened a little as a reminder and because she figured he could exercise a little bit of patience. The smile and wave from Jack was adorable, though, and she almost released TJ just to see if he’d close the distance in a run.

He stayed by her side until they were all in a cluster by the car, which is when she did finally release her grandson and watched him embrace Jack with so much affection it just warmed her heart. Janie slipped her arm through Margaret’s, “they’re a sight to behold.” She smiled.

“That they are.” Margaret agreed.

“Are you coming up?” Janie asked, “Please come up.”

“I am, TJ invited me for ice cream, he says you’ve got some of the best.”

Jack’s kiss was sweet and soft, he pressed his forehead to TJ’s cheek, “How was your evening?”

“It was pretty good, yes I did talk to her.” TJ smiled, brushing his hand along Jack’s jaw, “We’re going up for ice cream, did you already indulge in dessert?”

“We did, it was decadent.”

“Come on then. I can’t wait to hear about your date.” TJ teased.


	31. Chapter 31

Bucky looked up from the last page of his book, he was alone. Sam hadn’t come out of the room he’d found and sequestered himself in, and Steve must have gone to bed. He dropped his legs from the ottoman and leaned forward in his seat. He and Steve had eaten dinner with very little conversation, they’d each mentioned something about the books they were reading and finished their meal in a comfortable silence.

Bucky couldn’t imagine what was going to come next, after the stay in this veritable palace, he needed to get a handle on things, but he wasn’t in control of any of it. Steve had said he could stay with him _if he wanted_. What was the alternative, if he decided he didn’t want to? He wasn’t a free agent, still. He was still ducking and hiding from the government.

Maybe the contacts Steve was excited about would help his cause. He knew Steve was waiting to talk to TJ’s mother, and with her flying to Gilboa, the wait was at least as long as they were going to be in the penthouse. He was essentially safe because of TJ Hammond. At least for ten days.

He thought more about TJ and Jack Benjamin, and with a smile he thought of Janie too. It would actually do him a favor to hang around them more. People could always think he was one of them instead of the wanted man. Of course he wouldn’t use Janie or Jack and TJ that way, but it made him smile to think it was a weird bonus for getting to know the lovely and kind young woman.

Bucky rose from the chair, stretching all of the kinks out, and walked to the sliding glass door. He stepped out onto the warmly illuminated balcony and walked to the rail. The city twinkled beneath him and he inhaled the sharp air. He wasn’t free; thoughts of being locked in a tower tickled the edges of his mind, locked in a tower, locked in a cell, locked in. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He opened them again, taking in the street view, ‘You’re not locked in. If you wanted to go to that club you could. If you wanted to walk to the edge of the city, you could. You might be spotted, you might be recognized, but you could do it.’

Both hands gripped the rail as he pushed away from the edge. Bucky pulled his cigarettes from his pocket, taking the one he’d extinguished earlier, on the roof with TJ, out of the pack. He rolled the filter end between his fingers thoughtfully. He stepped back inside the penthouse, he used the stationery on the desk to jot a note, “Needed to stretch my legs. I haven’t disappeared.”

He stepped into the elevator, still manhandling the unlit cigarette, and looked around before pushing the button. He didn’t know what he was looking for, possibly expected either Sam or Steve to be on high alert listening for the elevator. Nobody came and the door slid shut. He rode the elevator with his eyes closed as he thought about what he was doing. He just needed “out”. He patted the pocket that had cash in it – Steve obviously thought he needed some autonomy. He’d handed him the money even as Bucky had refused, saying “what am I going to need that for?” Ok, so maybe he wasn’t as ‘locked in’ as he’d feared.

The club might have been a bad idea with a line around the corner, had he not been mistaken for TJ. Bucky was misrecognized instantly and ushered through the velvet ropes. Ok, he’d just agreed with his own plan to not use them, but this was just a case of mistaken identity allowing access to a club, right? Nothing big, until the cameras flashed in his face, the camera phones pointed at him as he bought a drink at the bar.

“Hey, can’t a guy just get a drink?” he scowled at someone.

“TJ! You’ve been seen with the Prince of Gilboa, where is he tonight? What can you say about the fallen king.”

“I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong man.” Bucky tried to be polite. The questions kept coming and he finally turned, drink in his gloved hand, “Leave me alone.”

The man behind the camera phone stumbled back at the intense glare Bucky turned on him. “Leave Jack alone. Leave the whole thing alone. You don’t know fuck about it.”

Bucky put a bill under his glass as a tip, and brushed roughly past the people who were filming him and stormed out of the club. He walked back to the building where he was staying and pulled the card Janie had given him from his pocket. The hour was late, but TJ and Jack needed to know what had just happened. Once in the room, Bucky picked up the phone and dialed the number.

He was nervous when she answered, afraid she would be angry for the late call. When her voice sang with laughter on the “Hello?” he breathed easier.

> “Janie, it’s Bucky.”
> 
> “Hi there! I didn’t expect you to call so soon.”
> 
> “I didn’t either. I – I’m sorry it’s so late.”
> 
> “It’s not too late, we’re all up and having a bit of ice cream. You sound stressed, are you ok?”
> 
> “I made a mess for TJ and probably Jack.” He said quickly.
> 
> “I’m sure it’s not as bad as all that.”
> 
> “It could be. I wanted to get out, so I went to a club nearby, where I was recognized. Not as me, but as TJ. Pictures, I’m sure one guy was press.”
> 
> “It’s ok Bucky. Here’s TJ.”
> 
> Bucky could hear Janie relay what he’d told her, “Bucky?” TJ asked from the other end.
> 
> “TJ, I didn’t mean to, but if they find out it wasn’t you…” Bucky quietly tried to relay the importance, but his breathing wasn’t letting him finish a thought.
> 
> “They won’t find out. I won’t dispute it, what happened?”
> 
> Bucky related the conversation, such as it was. “I didn’t even get to finish the drink, bastards.”
> 
> TJ laughed, “So, in the press I’m off the wagon again. I can handle that. I’m pretty notorious for saying shit to them too, so that’s no problem. My mom will get a burr up her ass, but that’s nothing new either. It’s all good Bucky, I’ve got your back.”
> 
> “Thanks TJ. I only went out to prove to myself that I wasn’t locked in. Is this what it’s like for you all of the time?”
> 
> “Half my life, at least.” TJ agreed.
> 
> “That’s fucked.” Bucky answered, to TJ’s wry laugh on the other end.
> 
> “Yeah, it is. I hate to tell you this, but when you’re exonerated, you’re still famous so you get a share of this fuckery.”
> 
> “Shit.” Bucky lit the cigarette he hadn’t yet lit, after pulling it and Donaldson’s lighter out of his pocket.
> 
> “Yeah. I’m sorry. If you need to talk about it, you can always call me. Janie can give you my number.”
> 
> “Thanks TJ. For everything.”
> 
> “Any time, man.” TJ smiled, “Here’s Janie.”
> 
> Bucky stood at the window smoking and listening to the phone transfer, discussion on the other end around what had happened. He couldn’t fight the smile that broke when Janie reclaimed the phone, “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
> 
> “It’s not me I was worried about.” He said, honestly. “I had just been thinking about the kind of anonymity I could have if I spent more time with you – people would think I was one of them and I could have a little freedom. But that’s not why I’d want to spend time with you and I don’t exactly like being the cause of trouble for TJ or Jack. Will TJ be ok? This won’t mess with his progress will it?”
> 
> “Oh, no – TJ will be fine, he’ll deal with his mom. That’s where the biggest issue will come up and he’s already been fighting that fight with her.” Then it hit her, “You want to spend time with me?”
> 
> “Yeah, but is it smart?”
> 
> “For now I can visit you. Once they come home from Gilboa we can figure something out to keep you anonymous. Are you having trouble settling in?”
> 
> “I spent most of the day reading, once I finished I guess I got a little restless.”
> 
> “Understandable. If you can, try to get a little sleep, reading is relaxing but it’s not sleep.”
> 
> “Yeah, I think I might at least try. Thanks for answering, for humoring me.”
> 
> “Not at all, I told you to call. Bucky, you can call me any time.”

He hung up the phone and wandered around the living room and down the hall. His bag had been set inside a very large bedroom with a wall of windows. This is a place where a president would spend time? Windows? Really. What arrogance, he thought, dangerous arrogance. He looked at the bed, overstuffed and piled high with down comforters and high thread count sheets and more pillows than necessary.

He pulled his bag to the bed and took things out systematically, placing the clothes for tomorrow in a stack. He put his notebooks back in the bottom and found the pajama pants that he’d scoffed at when he’d seen them earlier.

He wanted to try to embrace the comforts of the place so he unbuttoned his shirt, placing the plaid over the footboard before tugging the t-shirt up over his head. He spread it out on top of the plaid and then sat on the edge of the bed to remove his boots. Each boot was settled in its place next to the post of the footboard before Bucky tugged his socks off. He rolled the socks together and looked around considering stuffing them into a boot shaft before spotting his reflection in the window and chucking the ball at the image of his face with a quirk of his lips. He stood up and walked around the bed to retrieve the socks, bending over to pick them up he noticed a flicker of light in the distance, it made him duck and hug the ground before he looked at the window and pieced together that what he’d seen wasn’t a threat.

He pulled himself up and moved to the other side of the bed, away from the windows. Forgetting the pajama pants, Bucky tugged a pillow from the bed and left the room, letting himself into Steve’s room. He saw the discarded comforter draped over the footboard of Steve’s bed and yanked it toward him, he laid the comforter out on the floor along the wall and wrapped himself in it.

“Buck, is that you?” Steve asked, not moving from his sleeping position.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Don’t be. Room not ok?”

“Not any worse than this one. Too many windows.”

“Don’t worry Buck.” Steve said sleepily.

“Easy for you to say.”

“Hey, you’re safe here.”

“I know.” He said with a huff, Steve thought it could have been a strained laugh. “Go back to sleep Steve.”

“You too.”

Bucky wedged himself against the wall, loosening the cocoon of the comforter, leaving it loose in case he had to be up quickly. Blissfully, it was only a short while before his eyes drooped and he let sleep take over.

Bucky wasn’t sure how long he slept, he felt the wall at his back and the indulgently soft cover brushed his cheek, there was a sound he couldn’t identify that had pulled him from his slumber. A thrashing sound coupled with urgent grunts of effort. He angled his head toward the sound seeing nothing silhouetted against the night sky – until he spotted Steve punching the air.

“Steve,” he called out, crouching in his spot, his voice wasn’t too loud, nor too soft, “Steve, it’s a dream, wake up.”

Bucky pushed himself up fully and approached the foot of the bed, “Hey, Steve.” He called, his voice more sharp. “You’ve had enough beauty rest, slacker.”

Steve jolted awake at the sound of someone in his room before recalling the dark nightmare that he’d been pulled from. “Buck. I’m sorry man, did I wake you?”

“Yeah, you did.” Bucky nudged his hip onto the edge of the mattress. “Nightmares wake me all the time, doesn’t mean they have to be mine.”

“Shouldn’t have been mine.” Steve swung his legs over the edge of the bed, sitting next to Bucky. “You look like you half tried to get ready for bed or something. What’s this all about?” He waved a hand at Bucky’s half-dressed person.

“I was going to go full upscale, pajama pants and everything and then I had my paranoid moment and abandoned the project.”

“You should try again, the pajamas aren’t half bad and the bed is pretty amazing.”

“Even the floor beats that fucking prison cot.” Bucky smirked. “So, I left the building last night.”

“Yeah, have any fun for the rest of us?” Steve looked at him curiously.

“No, in fact I stirred up shit for TJ.”

“Oh, a typical Friday night then.” Steve leaned back on his hands.

“On a Tuesday.” Bucky smiled. “I’m out of place wherever I go.” He continued, the smile falling from his lips.

“I understand a little of that but at least I don’t have to find myself and deal with it.”

“I’m ok with finding myself, I just didn’t realize that it would be such a public spectacle, if it ends up anything like what TJ has to put up with, I don’t know how I'll handle it. I will have to, but all I ever wanted was a little peace.”

“Public eye is not the best place to be, I’ll grant you that. I’ll help where I can, had a fair bit of experience with it both then and now.”

“Not what you signed up for either, is it?”

“No, all I wanted was to fight, to help. I just wanted to do the right thing and the press has never been ‘the right thing’. So what happened?” Steve turned to face Bucky.

“I walked to the club on the corner. I got in ahead of the line of people when I was mistaken for TJ. There were people with their phones all filming this guy drinking at the bar. Me, but not me, since the reporter who asked rude questions assumed I was TJ. I shoulda punched him. I mean I know not doing it was best, but thinking back on it, it would have been so rewarding.”

“At the time, but not when you talk to TJ about it.”

“Oh, I already did that.” Bucky looked up from his hands, “Called as soon as I got back in.”

“That was a nice thing to do.” Steve smiled, “He’s a good kid.”

“So is Jack.” Bucky admitted, noting Steve’s smug look. “I never said I wouldn’t give him a chance, did I? I’m the last person who should go around deciding someone else’s worth. When he brought me a plate full of food, I thought he would prefer disappearing into the floor.”

“You looked intimidating. I almost would have preferred disappearing into the floor.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Ok, maybe not _that bad_.” Steve chuckled.

“So if I go in there, if I try to sleep…”

“If you don’t have a problem, you could take up the other half of the bed in here, in case of intruders or nightmares.”

“You’ll wake me in the morning?”

“Not on your life, you can sleep until you wake yourself. We have nowhere to be and no reason to keep a schedule for a day or so. I can count on one hand (ok, maybe two) how many hours you’ve slept since we met up.”

“Well, if that’s how you’re going to be.” Bucky left the room and Steve stared after him, thinking of the odd dismissal. He was still looking at the open door when Bucky came back in wearing pajama pants instead of the jeans he’d been wearing previously, “I guess I’ll have to just sleep til I wake up then.”

Steve chuckled at the continued discussion as though it hadn’t just been interrupted. “G’nite Buck.”

Bucky settled on the other side of the giant King sized bed, under a soft, smooth blanket that smelled like lavender, "G'nite Steve."


	32. Chapter 32

“What was that all about?” Margaret asked as TJ sat back down next to her on the sofa, picking up his ice cream.

“That friend of Steve’s, do you remember Bucky Barnes, Nana?”

“You’ve been blowing my mind all night TJ.” She giggled, “You are kidding?”

“No. Well, the lookalike thing isn’t limited to Jack and me, if your memory is as good as you say it is.” He winked, “and he was spotted in a nightclub tonight, accosted by the press is more accurate. Mistaken for me – and that means…”

“That means your mother will be fit to be tied, _seeing_ you in a nightclub.”

“Drinking.” TJ added with a slight frown. “I can handle it – I can’t tell her it was him, he’s not safe.”

“It could be me.” Jack provided, “I haven’t made any grand announcements about quitting drinking, I’m safe to be seen in public, and in light of everything, it’s not unreasonable for me to want to have a drink, alone in a bar. It’s also not unreasonable for me to not correct an idiot when he calls me by the wrong name.”

“He said he told them to leave “me” alone and to leave you alone – called you by name. Too specific to pin that one on you babe.”

“Shit, I’m sorry TJ.”

“Don’t be, I’m really not worried about it. She and I have argued about my spiral into depravity since I’ve been clean, this is just one more brick in the wall between us.” TJ shrugged. “If she’d listen to reason, I could try to break it to her who it was and even see if she could help him. He deserves to live freely. I could help him get that freedom if she’d just listen to me for five seconds without worrying about how I always try to fuck her shit up.”

“I love your mother, TJ, she’s my daughter. But she’s so focused on that job that it pisses me off how she can set you aside. Again.”

“I figure our relationship will be tenuous through this term and the next if she’s reelected. Maybe when she retires she’ll be interested in my truths.”

“I want more for you than that. You shouldn’t have to settle for second fiddle with her. She’s your mother before she’s the president.”

“I know you believe that Nana, and she wants to believe it too, but she doesn’t really.” TJ’s voice was resigned and broke Margaret’s heart a little more, “I’m the only one in this family who isn’t so career driven, and it pisses them off. I understand it, really, they are all so passionate about making the world better, and looking good while doing it.”

“What are you passionate about TJ?” Jack asked from the floor by TJ’s knee.

“My music. Expressing through my music those feelings that I’ve tried so long to run from or kill with drugs.”

“Which reminds me, you said you’d play your songs for me.” Margaret said as she watched TJ stir half-melted ice cream before eating it.

“So I did.” He smiled after settling his spoon in his bowl. “I guess I should keep my promises.”

“Unless you think it’ll disturb your neighbors?” Margaret considered.

“The closest neighbor works nights and the lady downstairs is hard of hearing, perfect digs for TJ.” Janie said in an encouraging tone. “Bonus for getting the end apartment on the top floor.”

“You are a saint to take in two homeless boys with no money, paying for a modest apartment with such a great location. I feel like you should be canonized.” Margaret teased as TJ stepped over Jack’s legs to move to the piano.

“She’s going to let me start paying rent.” Jack said definitively. “I just got my access to my bank accounts today. Or was that yesterday?” he joked, looking at his phone on the coffee table.

“It’s not a big deal, TJ’s got a couple of months before he even needs to think about it. I knew what I was getting when I asked him to come. Jack’s just been a bonus. You make me smile every day Jack.”

“Janie, that newness will wear off and you’ll get annoyed with me. You can let me pay half of the bills, and get some chairs.”

“You go too far, sir.” Janie teased.

“I’m being selfish. I like chairs.” Jack explained as TJ’s fingers grazed the keys. “Shh… I want to hear this.”

Janie smirked at Jack’s wink, Margaret felt pleased that TJ had fun and supportive people so close to him. She listened to TJ play and felt joy and pride as the happy tune kicked in.

She watched him closely as he played through tunes that Jack and Janie seemed familiar with. He had a confidence that she wanted to nurture and protect. She didn’t want to sour it with the wrong words or strangled platitudes; she wanted to see it flourish. Boy, the inability to be supportive really did stem from her past. “TJ,” Margaret nearly gushed when he finished, “Have you considered performing in public until word spreads about your music?”

TJ turned, pivoting on the piano bench, “I hadn’t. I don’t know how well that would go over. I need to still get a foot in a door, and I would have to perform in nightclubs. Not a venue I’m ready to tackle.” The pain from ‘The Dome’ still sat heavily in his heart, a constant reminder that everyone was right and he had shitty judgment.

“You could do YouTube videos, TJ. There are so many people making videos, getting discovered. You could do it that way.” All of a sudden Margaret felt like she had the winning idea.

“People also love to tear others down that way.” TJ frowned, “Just what I don’t need to hear on a bad day.”

“TJ – that’s very defeatist and pessimistic.” Janie admonished. “We _could_ work together to get you set up. I’ll even vet the comments so that you don’t have to see the shitty ones. Just temporarily, though, until you get a feel for it and can understand how to deal (or not to deal) with the trolls.”

“You can make bank TJ.” Margaret beamed.

TJ couldn’t help but smile at his grandmother, her no nonsense solution had merit, Janie’s ‘not putting up with your shit’ was expected. Jack watched TJ, pleased to see him move from disillusioned cynic to a cautious encouragement. Jack knew the wheels were turning. He would put money on TJ working out the details while they were traveling.

“TJ, research it while we travel," Jack decided to plant the seeds, "tell Janie anything you’re going to need in the way of cameras and musical equipment. I’ll make sure it gets paid for.”

“I’ll help.” Margaret chimed in. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. This is my crazy idea and if you’re willing to consider it, I’m willing to help pay for the setup.”

“But it’s your final say, TJ.” Jack added. “If you don’t call Janie with your list, we don’t move on it. Do not feel pressured by any of our excitement.”

The meaningful looks that Jack sent around the room weren’t lost on either of the women, TJ looked at Jack with affection as he recognized the telegraphed glances. Jack knew that the excitement was phase one. He knew that terror came next and then defeat could quickly follow. TJ was relieved that Jack was fielding the emotions of the moment and reining in the cheer squad.

“I’ll look into it. If it seems like something I can manage emotionally and physically, I’ll contact Janie. If I don’t decide before we come home, it doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned it. I just might need more time. We’ll see.” TJ smiled fondly at the people nearest to his heart.

“Fair enough.” Janie decided, the excitement still shimmering in her eyes as she crossed the room and hugged TJ. “I’ll give you all the time you need sweetie.”

“Well, my curiosity has been satisfied, my appetite and my sweet tooth too. I’m going to head out.” Margaret set her ice cream bowl on the coffee table.

“Are you sure? It’s pretty late, you can stay here, I’ll take Jack’s bed.” Janie said with a wink.

Margaret shared a confused look with Jack and TJ before Jack broke up laughing, “She means the couch. Officially that was my place to live, but it never happened.”

“I don’t want you moving out of your bed to the sofa. I have a car at my disposal and a nice hotel room not far away.”

“Nana, I would feel terrible escorting you to the car and then not making sure you got safely to your room.” TJ was familiar with the look she was giving him, “I know, you’ve “been around the block”, but come on, stay.”

“You won’t rest will you?” Margaret half-teased.

“I seriously won’t. I don’t want you going alone and it’s too late for one of us to go all the way to your hotel with you to make sure you’re safe just to have to come back here. I have a breakfast date and I need _some_ sleep.”

“Sounds like Janie’s sleeping on the sofa.” Jack said with a soft smile, as he went to retrieve the blankets and pillows for her.

“Yeah, you know Jack? If you guys moved out, I’d have a guest room.” Janie said with a pout.

“Do you want us to go, Janie, after our sweet discussion at dinner?” Jack called from the other room.

“I can suffer with you, I guess. I haven’t caught anyone drinking out of the carton yet and I haven’t had to clean up after either of you.” Janie harassed him back, winking at TJ.

Margaret laughed along when TJ blushed and giggled, she was more than happy to spend the night if she could see more of these unprompted giggles and the secret smiles that didn’t mask pain as much as they showed love and acceptance.

“I’m going to find you something comfortable to sleep in Margaret, I’m sure I have something that won’t offend you.”

“At this rate, sweetie, nothing will offend me. I’m just glad to be here.”

TJ settled on the arm of the sofa next to her and hugged her spontaneously, “I’m glad you’re here too, Nana.”

“You don’t want to disappoint your breakfast date, you should go to bed.” She patted TJ’s leg, “I’m going to need some beauty rest before our date myself.”

TJ leaned over and kissed his grandmother before holding out a hand to help her up from the sofa. “Good night Nana.”

Margaret joined Janie in the bedroom as Janie pulled out a new pair of cozy pj’s she hadn’t had a chance to wear yet, always opting for sweat pants or shorts, and a tank top. “I’m so glad to have met you. I am in love with your grandson – not _that_ way – ever since I met him, he’s just been so dear to me.”

“I feel the same way about him.” Margaret grinned.

“Of course you do.” Janie laughed. Margaret watched the young girl gathering her things, “One small bathroom, between the two rooms. Be careful, those boys are pretty vain.”

“I can manage. Thank you for looking out for him. He needs more people who will do that without being instructed to do so.”

“He certainly deserves that. He has been gathering a small squad recently, I’m glad you’re on his team and not against him. Fifty-fifty. I’ll take those odds, before I met you and Douglas, I wasn’t sure he had that much support.”

“Maybe he didn’t always, God knows I tried, but sometimes I got in my own way.”

“That happens when we’re fighting our own battles. I’m not sorry I encouraged him to break away from everyone though. He needed to find himself and everyone else’s expectations were weighing on him.”

“I wasn’t happy with that choice, but I see where you’re coming from and I have to agree, it has done him good to make that journey. I promised to remind him to call his therapist tomorrow – could you give me a nudge if I don’t do it?”

“I’d love to, but I’m afraid I’ll be at work. How about I leave you a note?”

“That would be just fine. I really do like you Janie.”

“Thank you. I like you too. Have a good night. If you need anything, I’ll be in the royal suite.” Janie grinned at her own joke and laughed when Margaret did as well.

Jack was spreading out blankets on the sofa when Janie came out, she smiled “Thank you.” She said as she picked up the end of the blanket he was holding. “You’ve come a long way since palace life.”

“I could have been on the street, _that_ is going a long way from palace life. I can sleep out here tonight, TJ wouldn’t mind if you took my side of the bed.”

“I won’t hear of it.” Janie replied, hearing the water in the bathroom, “you go snuggle that boy – he’s had a rough day even if it _did_ end on a pleasant note. I’ve fallen asleep on this sofa so many times, we’re old friends.”

“If you’re sure, because I owe everything to you. You could have said ‘nice to meet you, sorry if you made the wrong choices but I don’t know you from the dog in the alley’.” They put the blanket down across the sofa and Jack stood with his hands on his hips.

“Well, I’d let you in before the dog, but there’s a good chance the dog could come in too.” Janie admitted, hugging Jack. “Good night sweetheart.”

“Night Janie.” Jack kissed the top of her head, “I love you.”

“I love you too, will you two need any help packing tomorrow? I can help as soon as I get home from work.”

“If we don’t have it done by then we’ll welcome the help.”

“If you don’t procrastinate, you mean.” TJ said from the hallway. “We’ll probably have it done Janes, thanks for the offer.”

TJ crossed to the two of them and put his arms around Janie, “you’re a blessing, you know that? Thank you for giving up your bed, I would have worked something out, but I couldn’t let her go alone.”

“Honey, I offered and you know that is the most logical solution, you don’t have to thank me. She’s ok, you know? Another one I couldn’t release my frustration on.”

“You still gave a good pro TJ argument. It wasn’t lost on me.”

“Well, I’m Pro-TJ.” Janie grinned. “You had a tough day, are you sure you’re ok? Even with the nightclub stuff?”

“Yeah, the day ended well. I’ll be fine with that, they always say whatever they like anyway, and the next few days we will have so much of the press to deal with. Nothing like getting off to a good start.” TJ’s smile was slightly strained, but Janie believed him, he would handle this with poise.

“We have to interview security tomorrow.” Jack added holding a hand out to TJ, “TJ will be ok, Janie, we both will.”

TJ took Jack’s offered hand and turned to Janie, his smile more ready, “you heard him, we’ll be fine Janie.”

 


	33. Chapter 33

Bucky woke with a start, the room was bright and empty, and for a minute he didn’t recognize where he was. He could have been anywhere. The haze from sleep and the mystery nightmare that tore him from it, everything slowly started to fade as he heard muffled voices down the hallway.

“No, I don’t think it’s a problem. I’m sorry Sam, but he’s not a prisoner, he went out and he left a note in case someone was looking for him.”

“I’m just saying, you spent all this time looking for him, you never considered what would happen once you found him.”

“Sure I did. I thought about nothing else when I wasn’t trying to make sure he was safe. It doesn’t matter what he does as long as he stays safe until things can be squared away and he can move freely again.”

“How is going out in the dead of night staying safe?”

“I don’t know, he’s an adult? He needed to clear his head. I never told him he’s my prisoner, because he isn’t. I’m even going to cheer him on if he asks Janie out to dinner.”

“Is this all because I forgot to ask permission?” Bucky stepped into the open area of the living room, hands on his naked waist as his pajama pants rode low on his hips. “Because I’m pretty sure I left a note so mother hens wouldn’t think I took off. Listen Sam, thanks for helping me out when I needed it. Thanks for having Steve’s back, but when it comes to where I go, when and how, let me just say I defer to Steve only – and if he says I’m not a prisoner, I guess that means I can step outside from time to time.”

“If he goes and disappears again, don’t ask me to help you find him.” Sam said as he picked up the book Bucky’d left on the table next to the chair he plopped into.

“I wouldn’t dare. I know how you feel.” Steve teased. “So, breakfast? I assume you can eat in each other’s company at least one more time.”

“I suppose.” Bucky smirked, trailing his fingers along the piano key cover. “What’s on the menu?”

“Looks like the works.” Steve tossed the menu at Bucky.

“Whatever it is, it won’t be as good as yesterday.” Sam said from behind the astronaut book.

“Don’t make me agree with you.” Bucky smirked, biting into a pear from the bowl. He walked around the piano and bumped the ottoman softly with one foot, “Heads up.”

Sam caught the apple, “thanks.”

“I’m gonna have the omelet, what looks good?” Bucky asked, dropping the menu in Sam’s lap.

Sam leaned forward and grabbed the menu before it slid to the floor, looking up at Bucky. There was a gleam in Bucky’s eyes that hadn’t been there before. He watched as Bucky sat on the arm of the chair he was in.

“You know I wouldn’t do anything to fuck shit up for him, right? Not intentionally.” Bucky said, running his thumb across his cheek to catch errant pear juice. “I was overwhelmed and had to ‘get out’. I’ll grant you, it wasn’t the best idea. I still feel bad – wait,” Bucky picked up the TV remote from the table by the chair and flipped the TV on. He handed the thing to Sam “Shit I don’t know these networks, find the news. Please.”

“What? Why?”

“I need to see how badly I fucked things up for TJ.”

* * *

The airport was crowded, word got out about their flight, and there were people from the press clogging the entrance, screaming questions for TJ about his failed sobriety and asking Jack if he colluded with Hydra to murder his parents. Jack’s stomach roiled as he ducked under the arm of the security guard hired to get him and TJ through the airport. He hadn’t slept the night before, stressing about going ‘home’. If TJ knew about Jack’s lack of sleep, he didn’t mention it during the entire ride. To be honest Jack wasn’t even aware of much involving TJ. TJ was being very quiet and that allowed Jack to sink inside his thoughts.

TJ had felt a sense of abandonment from the moment he’d awakened. He knew Jack was fighting stress of his own, he attributed his own loneliness to Jack’s introverted demeanor long before the press started shouting in their ears. TJ kind of wished they’d opted to ride Air Force One with his mother, but he’d be just as alone there, and probably feel a lot less welcome. The press was pushing in on them and TJ had the back of his shirt grabbed by an anxious blogger before being practically shoved up against one of the security guards in their attempt to separate him from the blogger.

Every time TJ tried to make eye contact with Jack, he couldn’t manage it either due to trying to evade the crowd of cameras and on the one occasion when he could see his face, Jack looked withdrawn, this was not going well.

They were escorted to the VIP lounge in the airport, where Jack sat on the edge of his chair and TJ threw himself back against the cushion breathing and trying to calm the tremor in his hands. As soon as he had the shaking under control, he leaned forward and touched Jack’s arm and Jack flinched.

“Jack, honey, look at me.”

Jack looked down at TJ’s hand on his arm, his gaze followed TJ’s sleeve up his arm and landed on TJ’s worried face.

“Hey.” TJ’s voice was tentative, “hey, are you ok?”

“I don’t think I can do this.” Jack sighed. “I promised to be here for you through the press thing and you’ve had to face them alone because I’m on the edge of a meltdown.”

“I didn’t face anyone. I was ducking them and trying to reach you. You can too do this. You can. It’s ok, remember me? I’m the one who promised to be there for you.”

“I’m going to be sick.” Jack groaned.

“We’ll be right back.” TJ looked at his guard, before tugging Jack to his feet and leading him to the restroom. TJ stood back while Jack retched into the bowl, before kneeling at his side.

“I’m sorry.” Jack moaned, leaning against TJ.

“Is it more nightmarish visions, or just nerves?” TJ put his arm across Jack’s shoulders, pulling him closer.

“Nerves, that sounds so pathetic.”

“It’s not. Trust me, I understand. What brought this on?”

“I was just up all night trying to think of how to get out of this trip. I couldn’t come up with a single excuse that sounded remotely decent. I want to be a decent person TJ. I just don’t want to do this.”

“I know, but nobody _wants_ to bury their parents. Nobody makes it their _goal_ to do stupid shit and then go back to have people look at them. _You_ are not doing this. _We are._ ”

TJ rubbed Jack’s shoulders as he remained kneeling at the bowl, “we are going to get through this.” TJ repeated.

Jack rolled his neck as TJ’s hands kneaded the muscles. “TJ.” He sighed, “don’t make me go.”

TJ thought about the request and kissed Jack’s neck before standing up to wet some towels. He moved back to Jack’s side and laid a cool wet towel on the back of Jack’s neck, handing the others to Jack.

“I won’t baby. I just want you to take the time between now and the flight and decide if you’re going to regret not going. If you do that, and you decide you won’t have lingering remorse over missing the services, we’ll go back home. Promise me you’ll think about it?”

Jack wiped his heated, clammy feeling face, then his mouth before discarding the towels, “Ok.” He moved to stand, taking TJ’s offered hand.

Jack avoided his reflection as he rinsed his mouth and took the mint TJ handed him. He leaned on the counter “TJ, I’m sorry I checked out today. We’re supposed to be a team.”

“Hey, my drama doesn’t come til later. I think teamwork works more like this anyway.” He put a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Are you ready to go out and sit down?”

“Yeah.” Jack breathed the word. “Thanks Kitten.”

TJ smiled at the soft, resigned smile behind the endearment. “You know it.”

Jack sat with his head between his knees for half of the time they waited for their flight, the other half he rested his head in his hands. TJ spent the time rubbing Jack’s back. The repetitive movements of his fingers along Jack’s spine soothed him as much as it did Jack.

When the boarding call came, TJ got down on his knees in front of Jack, “so, we boarding or are we going home?”

“You really meant it?” Jack was surprised, even though he couldn’t figure out why, TJ’s word had always been good, and that wouldn’t change now.

“Of course. You tell me what you want, and these guys will get us where we need to go.” TJ gestured the guards that had stood back while they sat.

“We’re here.” Jack said, resigned, “let’s do this.”

“Ok, let’s do this. At least we’ll be doing it first class.” TJ smiled encouragingly as he offered Jack his arm. “C’mon babe.”

On the plane, when the flight attendant stopped at their seats, TJ asked for a ginger ale and crackers for Jack, who had fallen asleep almost as soon as they were under way. He took the drink and his water, and leaned his head on Jack’s shoulder. He thought about breakfast with his grandmother, the jokes, and the silliness, as well as the continued talk of ‘TJ’s YouTube channel’.

“TJ doesn’t _have_ a YouTube channel yet guys.” He’d laughed, and he hadn’t felt pressure. He’d felt encouragement and lightness. It wasn’t until they were packing that he started to worry that it was yet another flailing attempt to make an excuse instead of buckling down and doing one thing well. It had been Jack who had said “you’re letting the fact that your mother’s going to ask about your “career” get in the way of making your dreams come true.”

TJ sat up and opened his laptop, researching everything he could imagine starting with ‘building a YouTube channel’. Each sound piece of advice got a folder in his bookmarks so he could look up the equipment he’d need, the resources he’d want to utilize, and some extra things like ‘surviving internet trolls’.

Jack woke up from his surprise nap and looked at TJ to see him typing “surviving internet trolls” in a bookmark name and he chuckled softly. TJ looked up, “Hey.”

“Hey.” Jack responded tiredly.

TJ opened the can of ginger ale, “ordered this for you. Thought you might want it, and these crackers after this morning.”

“I’m blessed to have you, Kitten.” Jack said softly, before sipping from the glass TJ had poured a bit of the soda into. “I hope I’m as good to you when you need it.”

“You’re the one who can reach me when I freak out, so I’d say you live up to it. Did you sleep ok?”

“Yup, what’s happening here?” Jack asked, indicating the laptop and the open bookmarks folder.

“Research. It’s actually exciting Jack!” TJ’s eager smile warmed Jack’s heart.

“I’m glad TJ.” Jack leaned back against his seat, looking wan and pathetic.

“You’re really stressed, Jack, we should have stayed home if this is what this trip is going to do to you.”

“I am stressed,” Jack sipped the soda and nibbled on a cracker hoping the nausea would leave him. “But I considered things like you asked, I’d regret not trying, not going.” Jack brushed at a stray tear.

“I didn’t mean if you were going to continue to be physically ill.”

“It’ll pass. Crackers and ginger ale, I’m ready for anything.” Jack offered a weak smile.

TJ put his computer away and took Jack’s hand in his, “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Just this.” Jack’s hand tightened around TJ’s “I wasn’t this terrified leaving there, and I could have been captured and sent home to be executed. That’s what would have happened, you know, even if it had been a fanciful notion when I was on the way to New York. What we know about everything now – I would have been executed.”

“I don’t want you to think about that. I don’t want you getting caught in that spiral again baby, think about something else. Don’t forget the tools Sam gave you. You’re safe.”

“I…” Jack’s voice wavered.

“Jack, look at me.” TJ turned to fully face Jack, “You. Are. Safe.”

TJ’s hand tightened on Jack’s, “do you trust me Jack? What do you need?”

“I need to stop thinking about what-if. It didn’t happen.” Jack breathed, “It didn’t happen. Michelle’s fine and she’ll be there when we land. What if she has me arrested? What if this is a ruse?”

“Ok, now you _are_ getting carried away.” TJ said softly. “Old Jack might do that – would Michelle?”

“If she learned anything from “old Jack” she would.”

“Would you do that now, Jack?” TJ had to suppress a smile at Jack’s defeated attempt at snark.

“No, no. I wouldn’t.”

“Then stop thinking like “old Jack” and think like you. Try not to imagine everyone doing bad things to you, because it’s not that way anymore. If there is a contingency when we arrive, it’s because you’re the prince, and not because you’re under arrest. Remember that.”

“I guess I have to be “the prince” huh?” Jack sighed, “I mean at home I can tell everyone “just Jack” and they shrug and say, “great, good to meet ya Jack.” But now it’s going to be all convoluted.”

“Slow down, everything I say is making you crazy.” TJ smiled in spite of the urgency, Jack was calling the place with TJ “home” and that deserved a smile. “Breathe. Tell everyone you see, no matter where you are, that you’re “just Jack”. Do it. You know that your sister isn’t going to disrespect you by not having the appropriate reception, but once you’re on the ground, you can ask her and everyone to give you a little space and treat you like they would anyone else.”

“That would offend propriety.”

“Fuck that. Whose propriety? Your parents?” TJ saw the flash of pain, “I’m sorry. I am, but this is your life now Jack. Yours. I want you to do what’s best for you, obviously, but I see how thinking about going back to that life is worrying you. If it’s that bad, fuck propriety. I can’t stop being the president’s son but I did stop living under the banner. You can too, and you’ll do it better than I did. You’ll do it in a more healthy way. I sort of ran from it. All you ran from was imprisonment.”

TJ’s voice was urgent but he kept it low, he knew how to be dramatic in public, and it almost made Jack laugh. Close enough that it did bring a smile to his face.

“Thank you TJ.”

“Any time asshole.” TJ nudged Jack’s shoulder. “Don’t laugh at me.”

“I wasn’t, you made me smile in the middle of a meltdown. You’re so good at quiet drama.” Jack turned to TJ, “Why is it I give you a soft and sweet endearment and you call me asshole?”

“I call you sweetheart and baby. Asshole is reserved for special moments.”

Jack linked his fingers with TJ’s, “I’ll take what I get, I guess.”

The only turbulence on the flight was Jack’s nerves, but he was able to soothe his stomach with TJ’s ginger ale and crackers remedy, and engage in conversation with TJ about the YouTube channel to pass the rest of the time.


	34. Chapter 34

“How do you feel about this TJ?” Jack asked with a grin after they heard the announcement that they would have to remain on the tarmac while Air Force One was offloaded.

“Me? That’s just my mom, you’re the fucking prince, and you’re delayed for my mom?” TJ couldn’t squash the giggles, but he was at least able to keep his voice down. “Who planned this? How did this flight even get into the same airspace?”

Jack watched TJ’s mirth and let it chase the last of the nerves away. He’d sit for hours if TJ could be so joy filled.

“Apparently things happen. Do you want me to go make some noise? After all, I _am_ the ‘fucking prince’.”

TJ laughed again, “No, no – if they don’t recognize you or me we’re much better off. Press is press, no matter which country you’re in. Hey, you seem to be in a much better mood.”

“I blame you. Your little crackers and ginger ale trick and your joy. You’re sold on the YouTube channel aren’t you?”

“I think I am. Sorry about the preschool snack approach but when I was getting clean they worked wonders for my stomach and I swear by it now.”

“I wasn’t belittling it at all, both times you encouraged the remedy it worked. So, now that I’m not ready to retch, I’m this close to god knows what, I have to ask, your mom’s right over there,” Jack pointed out the window, “are _you_ ok?”

“I am. Do you want to know why?”

“Let’s hear it.” Jack smiled at TJ’s assuredness and posture.

“I still have a number of options for my music. I haven’t put the thought of entertainment law out of the realm of possibilities. I am clean – I can take a hit for Bucky, especially knowing in advance what I have in store for me. You, Janie, and Nana know the truth and right now that’s all I need. I’m going to introduce my mother to the man I love and I’m proud to do so. So yes. I _am_ ok. Are _you_ ready to meet my mother?”

“Your mother. TJ don’t you think your own mother will know that Bucky wasn’t you?”

“No. If she’d believed anything before I pulled away from the family instead of accusing me of trying to undermine her image, then I’d think it would be possible, but no, she’ll believe the information without pausing to look at the facts. If she does surprise me, then I’ll have to do some quick thinking.”

“I guess I’m ready to meet your mom. I’ve met other presidents and heads of state. I’m not worried about position. I’m worried about my mouth. How I’m going to react if she treats you unfairly.”

“Just don’t threaten her and you should be fine.” TJ smiled then looked out the window. “We should be able to be underway soon, it’s about been long enough to empty the aircraft.

Jack shouldn’t be surprised that TJ was exactly right, of course TJ had been on these trips and knew the ins and outs – maybe even more than the rest of the family, always looking for his escape route. Jack was a little surprised nonetheless, when the plane started to taxi and the announcement came overhead.

Jack was relieved that his stomach had stopped revolting and that the unease he felt now was a familiar thing that he knew he could push through. He didn’t know how he could ever thank TJ for his strength and caring but he knew he’d look for every opportunity, starting the minute they rose to leave the plane. He was sure Elaine Barrish was in the airport somewhere waiting for TJ, probably in one of the VIP lounge areas.

TJ looked at Jack before stepping out of the plane onto the jet bridge. Jack smiled back at him, looking much less like shit and more like his Jack. TJ was secretly glad of this because his nerves had started toying with him as they had waited and waited. He knew he would get through it and he even hoped he’d get through it as gracefully as he’d told Jack he would. The thing that had bothered him the most while they had waited was that he could spot the passenger that had what could temper those nerves, and he knew he could get some from the traveler and duck into the bathroom, it would be so easy.

Jack quirked an eyebrow at TJ seeing his strained smile in response. “You ok?”

“I am. Yeah, I’m ok.” TJ stuttered as he checked himself, he was. He didn’t do the thing he had been so tempted to do and he was off the plane, sober and nervous.

Jack hooked his arm through TJ’s, “You’re sure?”

“Yeah,” TJ said, his voice stronger and the smile more ready, “I almost did something terrible but I didn’t. I’m sure I’m ok.”

“Care to share?” Jack stopped just before reaching their security guards.

“I know how to score coke on a plane, and how to disappear long enough to put it to good use. I identified a probable source but I resisted. I did it Jack, even though I _really_ wanted to…” TJ swallowed hard, before bringing back his proud grin. “I want this more.”

“I’m very proud TJ. Now, let’s go get the hard shit over with.” Jack smiled affectionately at TJ.

Elaine was surrounded by people who were receiving orders and asking questions but she wasn’t interested in the words she was saying, she was anxious to get these people out of her way so she could see her son for herself.

Her mother’s angry retort after Elaine lost her temper over TJ being seen in a bar, drinking, and not caring two whits about what it would look like for the president, had been dancing around in her thoughts since she’d left the states.

“If you don’t stop worrying about what that boy makes you look like, you will lose him. You’re going to lose him for good. Elaine, you have a choice whether you ever see him again or not, and I don’t know about you, but I’m going to do whatever it takes to see to it that he never has to decide to write me off.”

Hurting her son and chasing him away would hurt like hell, she already had two good scares to teach her what possibly losing him would feel like. It was hard to let him go, and let him make choices when his choices hadn’t always served him well, but maybe her mother and her sons were on to something this time.

“Momma?” Elaine heard the nervous tremor underlying her son’s voice, afraid to approach her, that’s what she’d done to him.

“Tommy!” She pushed past the people in her way, rushing to her son. “You look wonderful.”

He did, she realized. He looked hale and healthy, just a bit more filled out than she remembered seeing him in a long time. His smile was slow and it made her heart ache that he was actually afraid of her. Afraid she was going to hurt him.

“You look amazing as always.” His smile spread and he held out his arms.

She grabbed him like she’d never let him go, “I’m sorry TJ. I said some hurtful things.”

“You did.” He agreed, holding tightly, his voice muffled in the shoulder fabric of her jacket, “I can’t judge, I’ve been there before.”

When he pulled away, he swiped his hand across his eyes, “Momma, this is Jack.”

Elaine watched the joy fill her son’s eyes and his smile softened into a tender thing. Jack looked like he was ready to go to battle, clearly there were no secrets between the two if he was ready for anything, and he knew about her history with her son and didn’t like it. In spite of that, his smile was genuine when he offered her his hand, “Ms. President.”

“Please, Elaine.” She said immediately, “Since my son has introduced you by only your first name, am I to presume that is acceptable?”

“It’s preferred, thank you for asking.” Jack watched the two with a touch of envy and a lot of relief, TJ was holding his own and his mother hadn’t decided to bring up any touchy subjects. She wouldn’t, though, he guessed. She’d wait until she could get TJ alone. “I’m pleased to finally meet you.”

“Yes, it seems I put myself in a position where I was the last to be introduced. I’m very sorry for your loss, Jack.”

“Thank you, and thank you for coming.” Jack’s voice cracked, this was the first person outside his protective circle to offer condolences, and it was harder than he’d expected to hear them.

“So, no Dougie? And dad?” TJ raised his eyebrows to emphasize the unspoken.

“Your brother has decided to take a page out of your book and fly commercial, he’s due in late. Your father had meetings and sent his excuses, I mean apologies, sorry Jack.”

“I understand.” Jack smiled. He could see where TJ’s abruptness came from now that he’d met the Barrish women.

“So, if you’re not waiting for anyone else, we can get out of here?” TJ was more than eager to get away from the presidential entourage, at least as much as he would be able to during this stay.

“Yes, let’s get out of here.” Elaine agreed, slinging an arm around her son’s waist. “I’ve missed you – I know I did it to myself – but I’ve missed you.

“I’ve missed you too.” TJ held his hand out for Jack and Jack obliged, still feeling a pang of jealousy that sat uneasily in his heart.

TJ’s reassuring squeeze helped with the unease, he looked up from their hands to TJ’s face, and the question was as clear as day, ‘are you ok?’

A small smile and a nod was not going to be enough in the long run, but it bought him time. He could hear Elaine talking about things that he didn’t know anything about and quick, casual responses from TJ, nothing he needed to know or answer. They followed their security and the president’s secret service detail to the caravan that would take them, would take him, home. Jack was glad he hadn’t called and let Michelle know his exact arrival, but he was slightly surprised that she didn’t make a point of going to meet TJ’s mother.

Inside the car, Jack excused himself to make the call to Michelle, talking at a polite level, he told her he’d met up with the American President and that he and TJ would be arriving with her after all.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me when you were arriving! I would have come to meet you.”

“Yeah, that’s why I didn’t. I’ve been struggling with this, so I just wanted to see you at home.”

“Alright, Jack. Are you ok? The last time we talked you weren’t so good.”

“I’m much better, I was able to talk with Sam, and it is hard coming back. This morning was pretty tough, but even that wasn’t like the other day.”

“I’ll see you in a little while then and I’ll know Jack. I’ll know if you’re trying to pull one over on me.”

TJ saw Jack smile at whatever his sister had said and some of the tension eased. Elaine noticed the acute level of connection, “TJ, is everything alright?”

“I think it will be.” TJ answered, placing his hand on top of hers where it rested on his arm. “We’re both pretty broken, but we’re working on it.”

She was aware that she probably wasn’t supposed to hear the last bit. It came out as an oath, not necessarily conversation. “TJ, what happened the other day?”

“If I told you it was a misunderstanding, would you believe me?” his normally bright eyes looked weary, but there was hope there.

“A misunderstanding?”

“Wrong place at the wrong time and tired to death of feeling hunted and trapped. Words said out of frustration. I’m clean Momma, trust that. I saw an opportunity today to throw it all away and boy, I was tempted, but I’ve worked too damned hard.”

“You’re not telling me something.”

“It’s my something to keep to myself, but what I _am_ telling you is the God’s honest truth. Just like I have been for the past almost-nineteen months.”

Jack’s hand moved from his leg to cover TJ’s as TJ started picking at the fabric of his pants, he gave a reassuring squeeze and TJ’s voice leveled out. “This is a hard thing to do, this isn’t about you or me, this is about Jack’s loss. Let’s not rehash the ‘press and the president’s son’ topic this week, ok?”

“TJ, I was wrong to jump to conclusions, it was terrible of me to think that the press knew you better than I should. It’s been a lonely week for me. I’ve disappointed you and your brother and because of it I haven’t had either of you to talk to. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.” TJ said sincerely, “Here’s the thing, Momma. I know you want me to recover. You need to _let_ me recover. I have to be able to function in the world and that doesn’t mean staying away from places where I can get drugs, it means knowing _how_ to say no when the temptation strikes. I know I’ve made bad choices; I didn’t have the right tools when that happened. Rehab didn’t work because it didn’t give me the right tools for _me_. I can honestly say that I have _not_ been high or drunk in almost nineteen months.”

She wanted to trust him, and didn’t want to bring up the bar, that she was thinking about it must have been easy to see because he continued.

“If you remove your feelings from the equation and watch the videos from that nightclub, you’ll see a man order one drink and consume less than all of it. If you believe what you see over what you’re told, think about that. I have _not_ been drunk or high in almost nineteen months.”

TJ was both relieved and frustrated that this was the moment in the conversation when the car stopped, that meant that he could breathe and not hear any negative comments while the commotion that surrounded traveling with the president took place. It also meant that he wouldn’t know if what he said had reached its target. He was quite proud of his version of the truth that kept Bucky anonymous and still urged a thinking person to realize that he was still capable of being drug-free.

Outside of the car, flanked by security, Jack was thankful that he was able to focus on TJ, and he was damned proud of the way TJ talked to his mother. People gathered their belongings and though Jack should be used to it, he was still a little surprised when he’d gone to gather his and TJ’s carry-on bags and they were whisked away before he could touch them.

Michelle watched as TJ Hammond stepped out of the car, thinking at first it would be Jack and then when Jack was standing next to TJ she smiled. She wanted to rush over, ignoring the American President and even brushing past her brother’s lover, to gather the last of her family in a hug. She didn’t. She waited for the trio to pull ahead of the security detail and servants and she greeted the president first. As soon as she’d satisfied etiquette and the surrounding press, she excused herself, “I haven’t seen my brother in over a year.”

“That’s quite understandable, I have to take care of a few things myself.” Elaine allowed, “TJ, see me later?”

“Of course, Momma. I’ll come find you in an hour or so.” TJ hugged his mother and watched her leave, still working. He shook his head. At least the discussion never got heated and maybe, just maybe, she’d think about what he’d said.

Michelle grabbed Jack in a bear hug that would belie her size, “Jack, welcome home. How are you?”

“I’m well. Overwhelmed. You look stunning.” Jack held Michelle close, savoring her familiar scent and the pure emotion that neither of them had allowed themselves to display in far too long.

“You look… Happy.” She said holding him at arm’s length to survey him properly. “Are you going to introduce me to your boy?”

An old, residual flash of guilt and fear was drowned out by the glee in her eyes, “Yes, TJ, this is my sister Michelle. Michelle, “my boy” TJ.”

TJ would be shot if he ignored protocol, his mother would have him shot if she even imagined he did. He knew how to greet royalty and his attempt was flawless, but Michelle was having none of it. She put a hand on his shoulder as he tipped forward to bow and she embraced him in a similar bear hug to the one he’d just witnessed Jack being subjected to.

“TJ _we_ will behave as siblings not as royalty, you’re the heart of my brother, and so you’re my family too.”

“Make sure you tell my mother, she’ll have me shot if I behave embarrassingly.” TJ teased in her ear.

“She’ll have to wait until you’re in her own country again because here, you’re a protected species.” Michelle teased back, but with seriousness behind the smile.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” TJ offered his heartfelt sympathies. “Your strength is inspiring.”

“Where’s David?” Jack asked as Michelle stepped away from hugging TJ.

“He’s greeting some other visitors; everyone arrived at the same time, so we split the detail. He wants to see you – maybe we can do something intimate tonight. Tomorrow will be full of receptions and pomp and circumstance.”

Jack cringed, “I’m sorry you have to deal with that instead of…”

“Don’t be, Jack. I knew what I signed up for. I have people doing most of it, and don’t worry, I learned from mom.” She saw the near terror cross his face, “I learned what _not_ to do.”

Jack offered his arm and she took it, laughing at him. “Good. I don’t want you to ever be that avaricious. You have a beautiful spirit.”

“Wow, you _have_ changed. You’re so open and expressive.”

“I have changed but I haven’t. I finally learned to embrace something denied to me, that I was taught to deny myself.”

“Your personality.” She agreed, “TJ, how much of that is thanks to you?”

“I like to encourage him.” TJ answered, “but he’s responsible for the change. He had some experiences along the way that helped him open his heart.”

“I’ve had both of your bags sent to Jack’s room, I’m sure you’ll want to take advantage of the downtime to decompress from your flight. Does seven o’clock sound good?”

“Sounds great.” Jack kissed Michelle’s temple before she went off down the hallway.

TJ put his hand on Jack’s shoulder as his posture changed. “You’re not as ok as you wanted her to think. What’s bothering you? Is it anything specific?”

“Just… being here… it’s different, less noisy, less busy. I mean that’s a good thing, but it’s just unfamiliar.”

“You miss her. It’s ok to miss her Jack.”

“I was so jealous of you earlier.” Jack sat on the sofa, not yet ready to find his room.

“With my mom? I’m sorry baby.” TJ sat next to Jack and put his arm across Jack’s shoulders.

“Don’t be, I’m glad you two might be able to work it out. There was so much about me she never accepted. I never could have had the relationship you have with your mom. I hope she can learn to trust you, I’d hate for you to have to live without her.”

“I wouldn’t enjoy it either. I’ve missed her. Your sister is wonderful, Jack. She’s funny and she’s kind, I’ll bet that before ambition became a prerequisite you two were a hoot to be around.”

“We had our moments.” Jack smiled. “Allow me show you to our rooms?”

“Rooms? How upscale.” TJ joked.

“Come on.” Jack laughed openly. “It’s my turn to spoil you with opulence.”


	35. Chapter 35

Janie walked into the office and immediately everything felt wrong. Several people between the door and her desk looked stricken, some were crying and some wouldn’t make eye contact. She felt instantly like she was walking into a tunnel.

When she reached her desk and set her bag on the chair so she could unload her things, her friend Valentina stood next to her desk, looking like she’d been crying.

“Ok, what happened?” Janie asked softly.

“The Murray boy who was returned to his mother, he didn’t make it.”

Janie collapsed to her knees in tears, she knew the Murray boy, Alexander. She’d been involved in the fight to get him away from his mother but the judge had determined the home safe. There’d been an appeal that kept the boy with his foster family but the appeal was denied the day she’d taken off from work. Val explained that Alex had been returned to his mother and had died on the same day. Killed by his incompetent, unrepentant mother.

Janie could feel and see the spiral she was heading down thinking he’d died because she’d taken time off. She knew if TJ had ever given her that explanation she’d tell him one hundred ways it was wrong.

Valentina knelt in front of Janie, “Janie,” She put her arms around her friend, “I’m so sorry, I know you were invested in him, more than any of us maybe.”

Janie wept on Valentina’s shoulder and counted down from 100. She wanted to run out of the office and keep running. 86-85-84… She could numb this pain. Janie knew at least two people in this office had oxy, “I failed him.”

“No you did not. You worked so hard for him, we all did.”

67-66-65… Janie picked herself up from the floor and Valentina moved her bag aside, helping Janie sit down. Janie unthinkingly turned her computer on before tugging a couple of tissues from the box on her desk and wiping her eyes.

“I need to do something. I don’t know where to start.” Janie sniffed.

“You should go home.”

“No. I went home and he died.” Janie said, her voice uncharacteristically emotionless.

“Janie that’s not what happened. You know that.”

Janie sat quietly, thoughts still whirling in her head, pushing against the tools she’d had in place for 5 years. The phone on her desk rang, jarring her from her thoughts. On autopilot she answered the phone, the script ingrained so deeply she didn’t have to think about it, finishing up with “This is Janie, how may I assist you.”

“Janie.” Bucky breathed, he’d debated hanging up the whole time the phone rang. Jesus, he was so out of practice with this. “Janie are you ok?” he had mastered observation and he knew something was wrong, her voice sounded flat.

“Bucky? No.” she sighed, a soul crushing sound. “I’m not ok.”

“Are you in danger?” not ok, fear and a flat, emotionless tone couldn’t mean anything other than danger could it?

“I might be.” Janie admitted, the recovery tools resisting the crowding clamor in her head.

“What is the threat?” Bucky couldn’t fathom what kind of danger she could be in, but he knew terror when he heard it. He’d inflicted terror, and he’d felt it. She was terrified.

“Me.” She sobbed.

“Janie, I called your office phone, are you alone?”

“No. I’m not alone.”

“You said you’re the threat, is this about the drugs Janie?”

She stopped talking, but he heard her breathing. She was working through something. He knew the pattern. Bucky turned the business card over and over in his hand then looked at it, he knew the area “Janie, it looks like your office isn’t far from me, can I come to you?”

He heard a soft noise, but wouldn’t call it an answer, “Janie, tell me, can I come to you?”

“y-yes.” She said softly, gripping the phone like a lifeline. “Don’t hang up.”

“I have to Janie. I’m on the house phone. I can call you back from my phone but I left it in the other room. To tell the truth, I’m not used to having one.”

Janie tuned into his voice, “I haven’t been this bad in a long time Bucky.” She cried.

“Two minutes Janie, let me get my phone.” Bucky looked up and saw Steve in the hallway. “Hey Janie? Talk to Stevie here, I’ll call your phone from mine in a minute but you won’t be alone, ok?”

“Ok.”

Quietly Bucky told Steve what he could gather and handed him the phone. “Hey Janie it’s Steve.”

“Hi.” Steve cringed at the drained sound of her voice.

“Hey. How can I help?”

“Just talk to me. I need the distraction, or I might do something I’ll regret later.”

“Bucky’s getting ready to leave, do you need me to send anything with him?”

“No – no Steve thank you though. He’s calling on the other line. Thank you for staying on the phone.”

“Any time. Bye Janie.”

“Bye Steve. Thanks again.”

She hung up, but Steve didn’t put the phone down until he heard Bucky as he came through the hallway from his room talking to Janie, “Tell me what happened Janie.” Bucky muted the phone, listening while she talked and still managing to explain to Steve quickly, “She’s on the edge, she might take something if I can’t keep her level, I don’t know if I can do this, shouldn’t you be the hero or something? Where’s Sam? He could handle this better than me.”

“You can do this Buck. It’s you she likes. Go. Get her away from wherever she is and let her talk it out.”

“Shit Janie, I’m so sorry. That’s so shitty.” Bucky answered Janie after unmuting the phone. “I’m out the door now. Hold on, ok?”

“Bucky, how did you know? Why did you call?”

“I just wanted to see if you’d like to get away for lunch. There’s only so much of these guys I can handle.” He said lightly, hoping that regular conversation would help ground her. “Can you meet me outside when I get there?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“Ok, do me a favor and head outside right now Janie. Get some air, I’ll be there soon.”

Janie picked up her bag, “You’re going to stay on the phone?” she looked up at Valentina who nodded when she noticed Janie leaving the office. Val smiled encouragingly and signed for Janie to call her.

“Yes Janie, I’m here. I just passed the coffee shop a few blocks out. Are you outside?”

“Not yet, taking the stairs, can’t handle an elevator right now.” Janie panted, not from exertion but from near panic.

“Slow down, your breathing is off.” Bucky said automatically, must have been something left over from his past with Steve.

“It’s not the speed, it’s me. Give me a number Bucky.”

“A number? I don’t follow.”

“I was counting down, I lost count. Tell me where to pick up.”

“Shit, um, 45. Start at 45 and I will be there before you’re done.” He could hear her reciting the numbers under her breath and as she did her breathing leveled. “You’re doing great doll. I’m getting closer but you might want to count slower.”

Janie stopped on the second floor landing and sat on the stair, “I’m so sorry Bucky. Obviously you didn’t call me to be my sober partner.”

“Don’t you dare be sorry. I called you to try to set up lunch plans, I guess my timing is – I don’t know what my timing is.”

“Perfect.” Janie sighed.

“I’m outside your building Janie, I don’t see you, is there another exit?”

“No. I mean I’ll come out the front – I stopped on the stairs, I needed a minute. You’re fucking fast Bucky.”

“Yeah, it’s a gift.” He cringed, “never mind. I can come in if…”

 “I’m almost out, I’m ok, and I’m coming to the front doors now.”

Bucky caught Janie as she flung herself at him, “It’s ok Janie. Come on doll, walk with me?”

She nodded into his chest, holding onto him for another moment. “I’m sorry Bucky, this isn’t fair to you.” Janie said as she pulled away.

“Hey, you’d do it for me, if I needed you to, right?”

“How do you know?”

“You have an addict and a former fugitive living in your apartment. You’d do anything for anyone.”

“I _am_ an addict Bucky.” She corrected him.

“And you’ve invited a fellow sufferer to share your space and possibly endanger your sobriety if he slips. Don’t underestimate yourself.” He looked at her as she stepped back, “So, walk with me?”

“Thank you. That’s what I should have said.” Janie fell into step with him, “I shouldn’t have dismissed what you’ve done.”

“You’re welcome.” He smiled softly, “would you have coffee with me?”

“I could use the break.” Janie breathed.

Inside the coffee shop, Janie set her bag down in the spare chair. She’d given Bucky her order when he escorted her to the table and said he’d handle it. She sat looking out the window and tears started to fall. She worried for all the kids, she worked hard for them, if this was how things would end up what was it all for?

Bucky saw her sitting, looking forlorn, and brought extra napkins for her tears. “Hey?” he said as he stood at her side, holding out the stack of paper napkins. “Wanna talk? Or just sit?”

“I donno Bucky.” Janie took the napkins and set them in front of her. “I don’t know if I can talk about it without falling to pieces.”

“Your timetable sweetheart. I’ve got all day. I’m good with silence. Just a little warning though, I think I might be able to listen too, not sure, haven’t had someone to listen to in a long time.”

She couldn’t stop the smile at his lighthearted delivery, while she wiped the tears from her cheeks with a napkin, even though the smile turned sad thinking he had been so alone for so long, and because she was just sad. “I appreciate you, Bucky. I’m grateful for your willingness to help, your honesty, and your company.”

Their drinks were called and he stepped away to get them and the pastries he’d added to the order. She watched him cross the coffee shop and thought about what might have happened if he hadn’t called. Val was helpful but she didn’t know Janie’s personal demons, maybe she needed to open up to Val. He came back loaded with goodies, and a smile.

“Bucky, I’m going to make you crazy thanking you. If you hadn’t called I would be in a very different place, I’m afraid. I just don’t think I could have succeeded alone.”

“You’re not ashamed of that are you? Because you shouldn’t be.”

“I know I shouldn’t. It’s easy to think that if I don’t manage this alone I’m not really in recovery, but I know that’s not true. Sometimes we need help. Not just addicts, but people.”

“That’s true. When I was locked up? When I got the opportunity to fix Jack’s papers? I knew I could get out if I had help so I fucked shit up to get Steve’s attention. I couldn’t have done it all myself.”

“You’re a much evolved male, Bucky Barnes.” Janie teased. It was a good sign that Janie felt she could tease him, right? Still her face was etched with sadness.

“I don’t think I’d go that far.” He smirked, glad for her lighter tone even if it only lasted an instant. He knew how dark thoughts could snatch you out of any moment.

Janie picked at the top of her pastry with her fork, piercing the [Papanași](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papana%C8%99i), and licked the cherry filling from the tines of her fork absently. Bucky watched her, he watched out the window, and he watched the people that flanked their table waiting for their to-go coffees.

Thankfully everything he saw was peaceful, with exception of Janie’s inner turmoil. She was quiet for some time, taking small tastes of the Romanian pastry while he half devoured his own. “This is good.” She murmured wiping a drizzle of pink juice from her chin, “Thanks, if you’d asked I would have said I couldn’t eat, but this is really good.”

“I agree.” He smirked gesturing his empty plate, “you can tell.”

“How long have I been picking at this?” Janie felt subconscious.

“I don’t know? I haven’t been timing you, and I didn’t exactly go slow. We have all day Janie, more if you need it. If you don’t want to spend it with me for any reason, is there someone you would typically call?”

“My sponsor, but I’m ok with you. If I still feel hairy later, I’ll call him. You’re sure this is how you want to spend the day?”

“Listen, I went from solitary confinement to spending way too much time with Steve and Sam. Sam and I are still shaky and Steve has unspoken expectations. I don’t really want to be alone and I’d much rather spend the day with you, in whatever capacity you can manage. Today is definitely not about me.”

“Thank you Bucky. God I sound like a broken record.”

Bucky reached across the table and laid his hand over hers. She turned her hand over, stroking the gloved hand gently. “I don’t mind.” He said quietly. “I haven’t done much for people to be grateful for in a very long time, so this is as unusual to me as it seems to be for you.”

“I promise I’m a better conversationalist, I just can’t get past that little kid, so full of promise, he had a family who loved him. If I hadn’t taken the other day off…”

“If you hadn’t taken the other day off you’d have been just as disappointed because the system was still in place. Did your work sit idle while you were out of the office?”

“No, I wasn’t the only caseworker involved. I wasn’t even the main caseworker… I was just the loudest one. He was urgent – why did I take the day off?”

“Janie, you did the right thing. Could you have done _anything_ that the others weren’t doing?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

He looked at her, quietly letting her think.

“No, our hands were tied by the judge.” She said as her shoulders drooped. She took a breath, squared her shoulders back up, and looked him in the eye, “Next time that’s not going to matter. They can find me in contempt, they can arrest me, but next time I know a case is going sour I won’t stop, I won’t shut up.”

“You’d really do that?” he admired how she could reignite her passion.

“I will. Bucky I’m doing this job to help people. If I am serious about helping, I can’t let this kind of thing happen again without fighting as hard as I know how.”

He squeezed her fingers gently before withdrawing his hand. “I think you’re ready for the next step.” He said as he rose and took their plates to the rack and discarded their trash.

Janie watched him walk across the shop and back wondering what the next step was. He offered her a hand and she took it, standing to follow him out the door. “Ok, what’s the next step?”

“A walk?”

“Oh,” she smiled, “I thought you had grand plans for my future.”

“I think a walk is a pretty good plan.” He smirked at her. “So, Janie, if I’d have called you for lunch on an ordinary day, what would we have talked about.”

“The weather, my job. Maybe we’d talk about you, if you wanted to. If not, I could complain all day about the buttheads I call my roommates, because I never get to talk about them to anyone.”

“What complaints do you have about Jack and TJ? You guys seem inseparable.”

“I don’t have many, actually. They keep to themselves a lot. Maybe I’d complain about that. I have two roommates but I still spend ninety percent of my time alone.”

“They’re off to Gilboa right?” Bucky remembered it was coming up but wasn’t sure when they were traveling.

“Yeah, landed yesterday. TJ checked in late last night. They spent the evening with Jack’s sister and her family.”

“The royal family huh?” he winked, “Jack’s sister is very sweet. She’s also quite attractive, but I wouldn’t say as much to her husband, he’s wary of me.”

“He has a rough history with Jack. You must really strike a chord.”

Bucky laughed, “Yeah that had a lot to do with our initial meeting and his animosity. We worked it out, we’re ok.”

“That’s a relief, you know, in case you ever go back for a vacation or whatever.” Her smile was watery, she was still suffering, but she was tired of feeling so much pain.

“I don’t think that will happen. Even if I end up on the run again, I think I’ll steer clear of that place, at least for a long, long time. So what made you take in a problem like Jack Benjamin?”

“He was with TJ who was passionately angry with him but wanted to help him anyway. He reminded me of me when I was at my most broken point and to be honest, he kinda resembled a half-drowned puppy. I don’t mean he was wet or anything like that, he just looked that desperate. I can’t help it Bucky. I take in strays.”

“and TJ?”

“He was at a meeting I was leading. He was desperate to hold onto a very tenuous sobriety and he was so endearing. He was so anxious, he made a bold choice and came to the meeting instead of calling his dealer. He was late and frustrated, and nearly bowled my chair over. He was so apologetic, about his tardiness, about bumping into me.

“We had coffee after the meeting and he talked for hours. I had instant dislike for his family as he opened up about how they’d approached his recent attempt at recovery, essentially holding him hostage, keeping him tied to them financially. It took me almost a year and a half to get him to feel confident to pull away from them.

“It made sense to me, if they were already limiting his finances, break free. He could live with me rent free until his music took off. I could manage groceries for two and I was already paying rent on my small two bedroom – I have a little money from my grandmother, I am more than willing to share. I’ve been TJ’s biggest fan since that first meeting.”

“So you took on two instead of one.”

“Yeah, it was a good call though.” She smiled, “Oh, and Jack not only paid this month’s rent, he’s going to buy chairs for the living space.”

“You could use at least one.” Bucky chuckled.

“Yeah, I used to live alone. I was expecting one guest with few visitors – he had walked away from his family after all. I didn’t know they were going to adopt you and your friends.”

“You think they did?” Bucky asked, taken aback.

“I know they did. TJ decided that going to war with his mother over you in the nightclub would be a battle he could fight. He hasn’t told her it wasn’t him. He alluded to it if you’re paying any attention but he didn’t out you.”

“How’s that?”

“To her credit, and that’s saying something coming from me, she was more concerned about his well-being than how it made her look. He told her that if she’d watched the videos she saw a man order and consume not even a whole single drink. He also told her adamantly that he hasn’t been drunk or stoned in a year and a half.”

“He’s smart. He’s being honest, both by keeping his word to me and by telling her the truth.”

“Yes, one of the tools for keeping clean is honesty, especially being honest with yourself. He’s probably not too bothered by the little lie, which is kind of good because even I encouraged him to do it if he felt strongly about it.”

“Even you.” Bucky’s smile was tender.

“Yeah, I might be a little invested in keeping you safe.”

“So you’ve adopted me too.”

“No.” Janie stopped walking and Bucky turned around, returning to where she stood, “You’re not one of my strays Bucky. I want to get to know you.”

“You might not like what you learn.” He ducked his head.

“I might.” She answered softly, touching his stubbled cheek. “I might not like everything I learn about your past, but I believe I’ll like the person you’ve become because of it. Are you willing to let me?”

Bucky covered her hand on his cheek with his own, her soft and warm skin sandwiched between his callused hand and rough stubble. “I am willing, to let you.”

She looked into his light eyes, the shade of the sky above them, “I’m looking forward to it.”

He saw her tongue dart across her lip and he swallowed before biting his own lip briefly. He put his gloved left hand on her neck gently and pulled her closer, dipping his head to meet his lips to hers. The contact was brief at first and he thought she’d pull away. Instead she moved her hand from his cheek to the hair behind his ear, threading her fingers through the length. She tugged him back to her lips, kissing him tenderly.

He pulled away reluctantly when the kiss ended, “So, not adopted then.” He smiled.

“No way pal.” Janie smirked, putting her arm across his back. “Where were we walking to?”


	36. Chapter 36

TJ woke in Jack’s arms after a late night talking and laughing with his sister and her husband. TJ liked David and Michelle and was elated to witness the group enjoying themselves. As it typically happens, a sad moment would spark a happy memory, and there were several. It also works in reverse, so there were occasions of quiet that followed a moment of mirth.

TJ nuzzled Jack’s jaw, “mornin’.” Jack said softly, ruffling TJ’s hair.

“I didn’t mean to wake you, I just couldn’t resist.”

“Kiss me all you want, just like the restless kitten you are.” Jack smiled lazily.

“You should just go get yourself a cat.” TJ pouted.

“Nope, I have you.” Jack’s nails grazed TJ’s scalp lazily, “You’re self-sufficient, and I don’t have to clean up after you. Plus, you are much nicer to curl up with, we fit.”

“Mmm. One of these days we’ll have to remind each other how well. We have to get moving, we’re supposed to meet everyone to head to the services,” TJ looked at his phone, “shit. In 20 minutes.”

“Fuck.” Jack said as he stretched.

“Yeah, none of that.” TJ frowned, kissing Jack’s clavicle.

“Later – After the services we’re coming back here and we’ll be left alone. I’ll make our excuses and have dinner sent up.” Jack decided. “If you have anyone trying to make you feel guilty, let me talk to them. I’ll be nice. But firm.”

“It’s been too long.” TJ said softly into the hollow of Jack’s throat. “I’ve suffered too many days being right next to you, but so far away.”

“Nothing and nobody will come between us this time. You have my word.”

“I’m the one who should be making you promises.” TJ shifted so he was resting on his elbow and looking down at Jack, “Are you ok?”

“No.” Jack reached and cupped TJ’s cheek, tears pooled in his eyes, “No, I don’t think I am. Everyone’s going to think I’m a hypocrite.”

“Not everyone. Anyone who does, well, they don’t matter.” TJ’s thumb brushed an escaped tear from Jack’s cheek. “I will be your rock today. Anything you need, it’s me you turn to, ok?”

Jack sat up, and slung his legs over the bed, TJ shifted to sit beside him. “I don’t know what I’m doing here TJ.”

“You’re here to bury your parents. What others think of that is of no concern.” TJ took Jack’s hand in his, “You’re here to say goodbye. Nobody gets to take away your goodbye.”

Jack turned to look at TJ, awed by the simple statement, “what would I do without you?”

“We’re not going to find out. Come on, I sure hope being fashionably late is still a thing.” TJ stood in front of Jack, when Jack didn’t move, he put his hands on Jack’s shoulders, “Hey, look at me. You and me? We’re going to get through this.”

Jack looked up at TJ when he told him to and saw love and encouragement that he’d never expected to see again after losing Joseph. “What I wouldn’t give to be back in New York right now.” Jack sighed.

“We’ll go home soon. You really have to cooperate with me here, come on sweetheart.” TJ’s hands moved from Jack’s shoulders to his neck and rested there gently, “I love you, now come, and get dressed.”

They rushed a little, but didn’t leave until ensuring that they were each perfectly presentable. TJ fixed Jack’s pocket square before turning and grabbing two handkerchiefs, “Here, tuck this in your pocket. You might thank me later.”

Jack’s smile was watery, “you really are on top of it, TJ.” He tucked the handkerchief in his inside pocket. “I’m glad one of us is.”

“It doesn’t have to be you today. I can do adult things too. Sometimes.” TJ’s soft smile as he checked Jack’s collar made Jack feel like maybe, he too, could do adult things today.

They weren’t the last to arrive and Jack didn’t appear to be bothered by the faces that turned in their direction. He squared his shoulders, he and TJ walked shoulder to shoulder to the pew that was designated for them. It wasn’t until they were seated that he took TJ’s hand with a mild sense of urgency.

TJ squeezed Jack’s hand lightly in encouragement, before twining his fingers with Jack’s. The night before, there was a discussion about who would speak and Jack had declined, “The last time I spoke in front of the people, it was a dark time. I don’t have too many good things to say, the way I feel can’t be expressed to people who don’t understand, and I can’t stand up there and say things for the sake of others.”

Both David and Michelle had argued, albeit not passionately, that they should each speak of something positive. When Jack insisted it would be in poor taste for him, given the depth of his involvement, to speak regarding their father, he also argued that he couldn’t, in good conscience speak on his mother’s behalf. He told them his suspicions of her involvement in Joseph’s death when they couldn’t seem to agree, that was when Michelle stepped up, “then you shouldn’t have to speak for either of them. Don’t worry, Jack. Everything will be fine. I’m glad you came though, now I can understand even more why you considered not doing so.”

“Still, I feel terrible leaving you to handle it all.”

“Speaking about our parents isn’t handling anything. It’s something I am able to do, I don’t want you to worry.”

Jack thought about the night before as the new reverend spoke. If they’d been on time, if either TJ or he had remembered to turn the alarm on, he’d have been introduced to this stranger who was saying words about his parents and God. He didn’t know thing one about Jack’s father’s relationship with God. Jack didn’t know if he understood it himself, but this man droning on was giving him a headache.

TJ looked at Jack as the reverend spoke. He saw his mother out of the corner of his eye in the pew across from them and tried to smile reassuringly. Jack’s jaw was tense and he was squinting, TJ’s hand tightened over Jack’s and Jack looked in his direction. “Relax baby, we’re going to be here a while, I’m right here.”

“He’s got everything wrong.” Jack’s voice was low but urgent.

“I know, clergymen have to say this stuff,” TJ’s voice was soft, “it’s not too late, if you need to speak today too.”

Jack thought of it, and of what he’d say, but all he could think of were stinging blows correcting this reverend, and that wouldn’t get anyone anywhere. “All I’d do is cause discomfort.”

“That’s not necessarily true. Don’t dismiss the idea completely, if your heart decides, let it.”

Jack was grateful for TJ’s soft words, whether or not he’d act, TJ was kind and tender regarding his feelings.

After the rather long-winded reverend stepped down, David was the first to speak.

“We’re not here to pretend that things never happened to tear apart the heart of our country and we’re not here to celebrate the things that tore apart the heart of our family. We’re here to say a respectful farewell to the people who brought us here to begin with. To give those of us left behind the closure we need to start our lives over.”

If anyone disagreed with the tone of David’s words, Jack couldn’t tell, there was a respectful silence. Jack listened as David spoke of his troubled relationship with King Silas, explaining his desire to bring a better form of peace to the country. He said things that would go down in history for his son to read about his grandparents, in a very real way. Humanizing them to someone who’d never meet or understand their motivation.

Michelle sat holding the now toddler, who was making her smile in spite of the mood, with his sing-song chatter. Jack touched her shoulder, “I don’t know,” he started when she looked at him, “I might want to – you know – after all.”

“Give me a signal when I’m finishing up, I won’t put you on the spot, you’ll have to let me know.” She whispered softly over her shoulder.

Jack agreed and put his hands out for little Eli. Michelle was surprised but lifted him to hand him over just before she went to speak.

Jack held the boy, looking fondly at his chubby cheeks and mop of curly hair. TJ smiled at Jack’s tender touch, “he doesn’t look like David at all.” TJ said softly, “that boy is all Benjamin.”

“That’s not true.” Jack smiled lovingly, “these curls are definitely Shepherd. Shh, that’s my sister up there.”

Michelle recalled pleasant family memories, sacrifices made in the hopes of better days and lost innocence. Jack tried to listen, and occasionally a memory she mentioned would tug at his heart, but the little boy on his lap kept drawing his attention away, the little one had liberated his pocket square and was working at his suit-coat buttons. At one point, hearing his mother’s emotional eulogy, he called out “Mama Cry”. Jack put a finger to the plump pink lips, “shh, momma’s ok sweetheart.”

People stifled a quick giggle at the innocent outburst and Michelle smiled through her tears, watching her brother with her son made her heart skip. Watching Jack smile at her son with an emotion she’d feared he’d exorcised from his soul made her continue with her speech, “My family has a history of misplaced emotions, but today I see my family in a new light. My parents did what they did for themselves and somewhat for us, but they made choices that hurt more than just our family.

“What I want to go forward with is what you see today. Honesty; nobody is going to stand before you today and tell you something opposite of what you saw with your own two eyes. Faithfulness; I had faith that I would see David again, and that he would know our son, I had faith that my brother would be returned to me, not just a release from his prison or a return to Gilboa, but the boy I knew growing up, the one with a deep capacity for love would return to my heart. I have faith that we will be a loving family, no matter where fate takes each of us after today. Dignity; everyone sitting here today has treated us with unending kindness and dignity. That is going to carry us through the next weeks and months as a foundation for our new lives as a family and as a country.”

Jack had nodded at her as she expressed her final thoughts, she returned to her seat, taking Eli in the transfer as he stepped up to speak.

“I had no intention of speaking today. I didn’t think anyone wanted to hear what I had to say because I honestly believed that nothing I could say would be positive. However, hearing David and Michelle address everyone respectfully without characterizing them as saints, but as people, encouraged me to stand before you.

“In my adult life I didn’t have a positive relationship with my parents because of a disparity of beliefs. I acted in the worst possible way to do what I thought was required of me, and then I acted even worse to try to reverse that. What I should have said and done was “I love you, but I don’t share your beliefs” and then walked away.

“My sister touched on the good moments, there were a lot of them, and I agree, they were innocent and joyous. Because they are plentiful, those are the moments I hope you remember when I tell you that I did love my father and my mother.

“If you have a good relationship with your family, you are blessed, so don’t forget to tell them how you feel, and tell them _frequently_. If you don’t have the good fortune to have that relationship there’s still hope, because out there, somewhere. is a family waiting to show you you’re worth it. They may not be related to you, or even to each other, but there are people who will help you when you’re down. People who will dress your wounds and send you on to your next stop, and people who will take you into their hearts and ask you to stay. If you love someone, don’t be afraid to tell them, just in case you don’t get another chance.”

TJ had wondered what Jack was going to say, he watched as Jack had screwed up his courage, and started to speak. By the time Jack had finished, TJ was proud and even more besotted.

After the services, TJ met up with Elaine to tell her he would be riding with Jack and his family, which offended her slightly. Douglas backed TJ up, “Mom, this is for Jack, TJ is here for Jack, if he didn’t know him he probably wouldn’t even be here, wouldn’t really have had a reason to. Go TJ.”

“Thanks Dougie.” TJ hugged his brother and then his mom, “I really do love you, you don’t _need_ me right now, and I promised to be there for Jack today. We’ll have breakfast tomorrow.”

“Breakfast? What about dinner?”

“We’re begging off, we’ll be having dinner in Jack’s rooms. Breakfast, I promise.” TJ hurried to catch up to Jack.

The procession to the cemetery was a slow process, sitting next to Jack in the limo, TJ watched as Eli played with Jack’s face, “Why do they do that?” he asked, laughing.

“Because Jack’s encouraging it. He’s making stupid faces.” Michelle smiled, holding David’s hand.

“He likes him, I don’t get it.” David said with a mock frown.

“You’re just jealous.” Jack smiled, “I know jealousy. I was prince of jealousy. Don’t be like that Eli. Don’t ever be jealous, because it just makes you do terrible things.”

“Jack.” Michelle admonished

“Terrible things like frown.” Jack said with an exaggerated frown that made Eli giggle.

“You’re incorrigible.” Michelle shook her head. “I’m so glad you two like each other, do you think he’ll be enough to encourage you to come back and visit?”

“Yes. Do you think TJ is enough to encourage you to visit New York?”

“Well I do like him.” Michelle smiled at TJ, “TJ thank you for being there for Jack. You’re the first person I know that has been.”

“I’m honored to be by his side. Thank you for helping me to see this side of him. He’s such a softy.”

“I should be thanking you, I think you nurtured the softness.”

“I think you should all stop talking about him like he’s not sitting right here holding the most precious person in existence. I think you should all start talking about Eli and what kind of face smashing genius he is.”

“Yeah, he’s lost it.” TJ smiled.

“Eli, if you like boys when you grow up, don’t like anybody as foolish as TJ. He loves me almost as innocently as you do. That’s bad news. Love somebody more stoic and unwavering like your poppa or somebody nurturing like your momma, but if he’s a complete boob like TJ walk away.”

“Hey, now you’re getting personal, I’m not a boob, just for loving you? Jesus Jack.”

Jack shared a soft smile with TJ, “He’s not even listening. He knows, don’t ya Eli? You know how much I love TJ don’t you?”

“EEEjay.” Eli lit up, looking at TJ.

“Great, so you’re “Aack” and I’m “EEEjay.” That’s going to stick. Hey little man, how about those consonants at the beginning?”

“That’s too elaborate, he’s still grasping the concept, you should feel lucky.” Jack teased. “At least he likes you enough to know your name.”

David and Michelle exchanged looks, they’d briefly talked after dinner, about TJ and Jack and whether or not they were a good pair. Michelle’s smug look made David chuckle. “You two are ridiculous.”

“David? You don’t agree?” Jack smiled over Eli’s curly mop of hair.

“I agree he’s still learning. I just can’t get over the way you’ve changed, Jack. It’s nice.”

“You know, I had dreaded coming back here and being judged by people. It had been sufficiently drilled into me that my ‘lifestyle’ was unacceptable. TJ reassured me that I wasn’t going to be judged and I’d have to say that from what I’ve seen so far, he’s right.”

“I guess when everything you are is being corrupted by someone else; it’s hard not to fold under the pressure. I’m glad you were able to recover who you are. Michelle never lost hope, not completely.”

“Thanks David. Shit, this is probably the most civil and honest we’ve ever been with each other.”

The car pulled to the curb at the cemetery before anyone could reply. David took Eli from Jack since Jack was the closest to the door. Jack climbed out and TJ followed. TJ helped Michelle from the car and then Jack reclaimed his nephew so that David could exit the car.

“I'm never getting my baby back, am I?” Michelle teased as she walked alongside Jack with her arm in David’s.

“No, I don’t think you are, you’ll have to come to New York not only to visit me and your brother, but to file kidnapping charges.” TJ joked, tickling Eli’s ear as he walked with them.

“Nobody’s pressing any charges, but my child isn’t leaving the country without me for at least ten years.”

“Then you’d better plan on visiting an awful lot, and having visitors.” Jack said as he tried to extract hair from tiny chubby fingers.

The lighthearted teasing dissolved into silence as everyone took their places at the graveside. David took Eli into his arms and without the distraction, Jack couldn’t help but glance over to the place where Joseph was buried. TJ noticed and held his hand out, offering it to Jack. Jack accepted, relieved to have the unwavering support and proud to be able to accept such an innocent offer without fear.

Elaine and Douglas stood behind TJ and when Elaine put her hand on TJ’s shoulder he gave her a soft smile. It was an odd place to be, standing at the grave of people he’d never met, linked physically and emotionally to his family and to Jack and his family as well. TJ felt fortunate as he replayed the words Jack had said at the church. He needed to call his father when they were done, even if it was to tell him that no matter how much it sucked that he couldn’t find faith in TJ, he still loved him.

The graveside service was intimate and blissfully short. TJ hugged his mom and brother before they left. TJ was about to stop Jack before he wandered over to what TJ assumed was Joseph’s plot, he reconsidered, letting him have the moments it would take him to go to the car and back. Michelle joined TJ at the car.

“You brought flowers for him to leave for Joseph?” she asked TJ as he pulled the bouquet out of the trunk of the limo.

“I did, he wasn’t going to remember, not with everything he was worried about, so yesterday when I ordered flowers for your parents I ordered extra for Jack. He’s going to be moping about not having any.”

“You’re one of a kind TJ Hammond.” Michelle reached up and kissed TJ’s cheek, “We have another car to take us back, you two take your time.”

“Thank you. Did Jack warn you we wouldn’t be down for dinner?”

“He did. Take care of my brother, would you?”

“I will. We’ll see you for breakfast though.”

“Brunch, let’s make it brunch.” Michelle announced before turning to David and Eli. “Brunch sounds better, doesn’t it?”

“It does, and it means one less meal you need to stress about having people assemble and attend.” David pulled her closer, “TJ, thank you.”

“I haven’t done anything. Not anything I wouldn’t do for him already. Thank you for having an open mind, he was very stressed about his reception. Especially by those closest to him, and thanks for giving him so much time to enjoy Eli.”

They left TJ to head over where Jack was standing quietly. “Hey.” TJ said softly before he could sneak up and startle Jack. “Thought you’d like to leave a little something.”

Jack turned to see TJ with a colorful bouquet of flowers.

“You… but… TJ?”

“Flowers, for Joseph. If you want?” TJ’s brow was lifted in question, a half smile on his face.

Jack reached out for the bouquet, “When did  you do this?”

“Yesterday when I left my mom’s apartment, I ordered some for your parents’ funeral and then asked for a special bouquet. Each kind of flower symbolizes something I think you feel or think regarding Joseph.”

Jack grasped TJ in a one-armed hug that was just a little awkward in the attempt to not crush the flowers as hard as he was trying to crush TJ. TJ held onto Jack as long as he would allow.

Jack stepped back and looked at the striking arrangement, a combination he’d ever expect to see, and everything he thought Joseph would appreciate.

“What do they mean, then?”

TJ took his phone out, “I knew you’d ask and I’d forget.” TJ smiled tenderly, showing Jack the phone note:

                “Gladioli - strength of character, sincerity, and moral integrity  
                Hyacinth - you’re included in my prayers  
                Hydrangea - true heartfelt emotions  
                Orchid - I will always love you”

“Well, then. I will remember to send you orchids.” Jack said reverently, trailing his fingers over TJ’s sleeve and taking his hand firmly. “Come on, let’s put them where they belong.”

Before they left, Jack pinched an orchid from the stem and tucked it in TJ’s lapel, “Joseph wouldn’t mind.”


	37. Chapter 37

Janie looked at Bucky as she bought hotdogs from the cart near the park. He had literally saved her today without thinking twice. She thought she was attracted to him before but now she was so enamored she had to take a step back. She certainly didn’t want to spook him and she wanted to be clear-headed and in a good place before letting her feelings have any rein.

He smiled at her with that soft, questioning look he’d had half the day, ‘are you ok?’ She wasn’t, exactly, but she was a far cry _better_ than she’d been a few hours ago. When the vendor handed up the first hot dog, she nodded to Bucky, gesturing for him to come over. “Create your masterpiece.” She teased. That was coming easier now, so she figured she was getting past the worst of it.

They put their choice condiments on their dogs and walked to a bench before digging in, “The first thing I told TJ he needed to have when he got here was a dog.” Janie said between bites. “I think he finally ended up getting one with Jack. Sorry, they’re on my mind a little.”

“Mother hen and her chicks?” Bucky smirked.

“Nah, not really. Just, they’re my friends, and TJ – so much more than that. I know, you must think they’re soft, after all you’ve been through, but they’ve suffered their own pain.”

“Hey, Janie? I’m not comparing suffering. It would drive me crazy to worry about that. Each person suffers once they’ve passed their own personal breaking point. I understand your concern for your friends. They’re far away and you can’t keep an eye out. The thing is? You don’t have to. Today you have to worry about you. Just Janie, ok?”

“Thanks Bucky, you’re such a good person. I’ve had such a trying day but you’ve made it so much more bearable.”

Bucky felt undeserving of being called a good person and unable to respond to it appropriately. “Janie, don’t.”

“I’m not sorry and I won’t stop. You saved me Bucky. You dropped everything and you saved me from myself. I’m not saying I would have killed myself but I would have blown five really, really good years and _not_ doing that is very important to my future.”

“I don’t know how to respond to that. I can’t…”

“Bucky, you do too know. How do you respond to someone saying “thank you”?”

“I’m out of practice.” Bucky sighed before continuing, “You’re welcome, Janie. Always.”

“Easy as that. Here, let me take your trash.”

Just like that, she thought she could give him a clean slate, as easily as she could take the mustard-stained papers and napkins and toss them into the trash. Bucky realized he was smiling at the thought, As an addict, she wasn’t delusional, of course she knew his past was still there, but this was her telling him without words that he could embrace the person that came out the other side.

Janie returned to where Bucky was waiting and saw the gentle smile that had replaced the confused frustration. He held his arms out to her and she wasn’t going to pass up an invitation to hug instead of having to ask him for permission.

“Thank you Janie.” Bucky said into her hair as he hugged her fiercely.

“You’re welcome, I’m not sure for what, but you’re so very welcome.” She embraced him back, smiling as the scent of him and the solidity of his body worked to continue his mission to ground her.

Even though he loosened his hold, Bucky stood with Janie’s arms around him and his around her for longer than he’d intended, being held was almost so foreign to him that he wanted to memorize every nuance. Janie didn’t seem to mind and she stood as if it were the most comforting thing on earth. She rubbed her hands up and down his back before eventually pulling away.

“I needed that.” Janie said quietly.

“I wanted to tell you, in spite of the way the day started, I’ve enjoyed being with you today.” Bucky felt so uncomfortable in his skin, why was this not easy, surely it used to be easy?

“I get it. I’ve enjoyed being with you too. Thanks for walking the city with me, would you like to come back to the apartment? We could talk, or we could not talk.”

“I would like that. Maybe a movie. Or music if a movie’s too much for you.” He offered.

“Maybe a little too much, soft music and a book sound nice, if you don’t mind quiet company.”

“I don’t. I don’t mind company of any kind, really. In tolerable doses.”

“I guess the last little while with Steve and Sam have been challenging? It’s always different when the dynamic changes.” She sighed.

“You miss them.”

“Yeah, a little. You know? Jack said they’d talked about moving out and it almost made me cry, I think I hid it pretty well. They decided to stay. Jack said they didn’t want it to be uncomfortable for my company. If I were to have any.”

Bucky imagined, if he were Janie’s company would it bother him? Probably not, unless they snuck up on him in a dark moment, that could be bad. “What would be uncomfortable?”

“They’re boys, they wander between the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen in various states of dress – or undress. Could make a guy uncomfortable.”

“Depends on the guy, I guess. If there’s fair warning that someone else lives there I’d expect all bets are off.”

“Yeah, or my naked gay boys could put clothes on when they leave their bedroom.” Janie giggled.

He liked seeing her laugh. This morning had sent him to a place he barely remembered, flocking to defend and protect. It used to be Steve, smaller, sicker Steve that would ignite that protective fire. He didn’t need protecting any more, Janie didn’t either on a good day, but today didn’t start out to be a good day. He offered her his arm as they set off to walk out of the park.

“Do you want to walk or take a cab?” he asked as they neared the street.

“I could walk, if it’s ok with you? It gives me something to do besides sit and fidget.” She frowned, “I’m sorry, it’s all about me isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Today it is and that’s ok. Janie? One day I’ll have a bad day, can I call you? Could I put you on my emergency list?” He asked, knowing she was more familiar with the role he was in today, maybe it would ease her worries a little.

“You’d better bet you can.” She said emphatically, squeezing his arm. “I’d understand if you didn’t or couldn’t but I expect you to at least know I’d be there.”

“Thanks Janie.” He covered her hand on his arm with his own.

Inside Janie’s apartment, she set her bag down and listened to the quiet. “I’m really glad you agreed to come back with me, this place is too empty.”

He couldn’t stop the habit of checking the place out before relaxing his shoulders a little in the hallway between the bedrooms. He looked up to see her watching him, “Sorry, force of habit. Place is really actually empty, in case you needed to know.”

The smile on her lips was a sad one, “I’m glad.”

“You don’t look glad.” He smirked, touching her elbow gently, “I think, especially after being ambushed in Gilboa it’ll be a long time before that habit is broken. But it’s good to be safe, right?”

“It’s best to feel safe wherever you are. Come, let’s be safe on the sofa.” She stopped to turn on the music.

They sat together on the sofa, Janie in one corner with her feet curled up under her and Bucky on the other end, stretched out comfortably. “So, TJ plays, but do you?”

“No, I got that from a friend so I could encourage TJ to come live here. He was having a horrible time separating from his family.” She smiled, “Moving that was an adventure.”

“I’m sure. How did you manage it?”

“I hired a crew. But I watched and it was very entertaining.” She giggled, “they really were fit for the job.”

He laughed with her, “Entertainment, and a job well done, sounds like you made out like a bandit.”

Bucky leaned forward and picked up a book from the coffee table, “Jack?” he asked, turning a drawing of Janie so she could see it.

“Yeah. He’s pretty good, how’d you guess it wasn’t a self-portrait?”

“Intimate pictures of TJ.” Bucky said, turning the page to quiet observations – tastefully rendered.

“Oh, well yeah. I don’t suppose I’d sit around sketching my roommates hardly dressed.” She agreed. “If you’re offended, I can put that in their room.”

“I’m not offended.” He smiled. “It’s nice to see someone using their talent. I should ask Steve if he draws much anymore.”

“I think it’s nice, that you’re interested. It must be hard to be in your situation.” Janie loosened her posture, unfolding her legs from beneath her and putting her feet on the cushion next to her. “Expectations from others as well as yourself.”

“We set some ground rules on that.” Bucky replied, not looking up from the sketches. “I’m the only one who gets to have expectations for myself. He’s doing a damned good job at being available for me too.”

“That’s good.” Janie smiled, “Just remember, whenever you can, that he cares about you and wants to help, and if he gets _too_ helpful, try not to get upset. Having support is a damned sight better than having someone there who could support you but is too hung up on themselves to do it right.”

“Are you speaking from experience?”

“Second-hand. You’ve heard about TJ’s family. I want to line most of them up and slap them repeatedly. They’ve taken tearing him down to a whole new level and then they’re surprised that their sensitive son can’t cope with his surroundings. Jesus, I’m talking about him again.”

“I asked.” Bucky said matter-of-factly. “I’m ok with you talking about your friends. Saves me from trying to think of things to talk about regarding my friend and his friend.”

Janie smiled and pushed her foot against Bucky’s thigh. “You’re funny.”

“Wasn’t trying to be.” He looked at her and smiled “You must have a warped sense of humor.”

“I’m living with two gay boys who look an awful lot like you and knowing this, I asked you out on a date, my sense of humor is as warped as they come.” Janie giggled.

“I’ll still take you up on that date. Today doesn’t count.” He grabbed her foot and rubbed her toes. “So, you’re pretty well versed in this modern era, growing up in it and all, why does your apartment look more like something I might have grown up in?”

“Because I like warm things. Cozy, comfortable, and classic. I have new stuff, modern technology. Hidden in my retro looking stereo is a Bluetooth connection so I can play stuff from my phone. My laptop is in my room.”

“So you could help me out? Say I want to have music on my phone, and don’t know where to start…”

“It’s a matter of taste, I could sure hook you up. We’ll have to schedule a tech day.” She smiled as he pulled her other foot to him and started rubbing it. “You’re very good at that.”

“Thanks, I figure you still deserve a little extra TLC.” He shrugged.

“I’m gonna have to pay you back.” Janie said with a laugh when his thumb tickled her foot.

“No, that’s not necessary.” His fingers pressed the arch of her foot, causing her to sigh.

“If you have an aversion to someone touching your feet, I could always give you a decent back massage, _or_ I _could_ give you a scalp massage. I used to do hair and that was one of the things I always got compliments for.”

“Maybe later.”

He was interested, but this wasn’t about him, not in that way. This was about him giving her kindness and making her feel good. He wanted to do that, to know that he could do something good for someone.

“Ok, I’ll remember that. So do you have an idea what kind of music you want to carry around with you?”

“Definitely some stuff from my youth, but I want to get caught up too.”

“Music is still subjective, luckily files aren’t permanent if you don’t want them to be, so if you get some music you don’t like you don’t have to keep it. You can use music services to test the waters, see what you like and what you don’t.”

“What do you have playing right now?” he asked as his hands massaged her ankle.

“It’s a ‘feel good’ playlist. Something I cultivated for days like today, well not quite like today…” Janie closed her eyes thinking about Alex. “For hard days anyway.”

Bucky’s phone ringing made them both flinch. “Hey Steve.” Bucky answered.

“Bucky is Janie ok?”

“Janie, do you want to tell Steve if you’re ok?” Bucky held the phone out.

“Hi Steve. Put that on speaker you dope.” He did so with a smirk.

“Janie. I was just wondering how you were doing.” Steve said, they could hear laughter in his voice.

“I’m better, thanks to Bucky. And thanks to your help this morning. I’m keeping Bucky overnight so I hope you don’t need him.”

Bucky looked at her quizzically.

“As long as you’re both safe, no worries.” Steve replied.

“You know you could have called me, right?” Janie smiled at Bucky’s curious face.

“I know, I just didn’t know how you were handling things so I thought Buck could give me a quick report. I’m glad you’re doing better. Call if you need anything – you too Buck.”

“Will do Steve.” Bucky answered for both of them, “Enjoy the palace.”

“It’s a penthouse, you ass. And we will. Movie night and you’re going to miss out.”

“’m not missing anything, I’m getting a musical education. We’ll see who’s more cultured by the end of this. Night Steve.”

Janie smirked as Bucky tossed his phone onto the table. “You’re going to make perfect roommates.”

“You think so? We made it work once, long ago.”

“I do think so, just remember clearly discuss one another’s expectations, make rules, and follow them. It was really nice of him to check in.”

“He’s a nice guy, has been a great guy since forever. What is this I heard about you keeping me?”

“Well, it was a horrible choice of words and I’d happily use Jack’s credit card to get you a car back if you say you’d rather go, but I don’t really want to be alone tonight and I was going to _ask_ you if you’d stay. You could use the boys’ room or the sofa, whatever makes you feel comfortable. So, would you stay with me tonight Bucky?”

“I was already sold, but thank you for asking.” Bucky answered, his mouth fighting a smile.

Janie reached for the coffee table, pulling the drawer open, she grabbed two books. She tossed one in Bucky’s lap and opened the other to her bookmarked page.

“What’s this?” he asked, reading the cover.

“It’s a book Bucky.” Janie said with a professorial demeanor before giggling, “It’s some book about TJ’s family. I don’t even think he knows it’s here.” She shrugged with a devious look.

He turned it over to read the back.

“If you’d rather, there are some more books over in the cabinet under the stereo.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Bucky said quietly as he opened to the first page. He turned on the sofa, putting his feet up alongside Janie’s legs. She tucked her toes under his rear and settled in to read. He smiled until he was a few paragraphs in and a frown formed.

Janie had started feeling hungry by the time she finished the second half of her book, she looked up to see Bucky reading, his brow furrowed and a frown on his face.

“Hey, how about a food break? I can order in?”

“Mmhmm.” He mumbled.

Janie leaned forward and put her hand on Bucky’s. “If it’s making you miserable you should stop reading it. What would you like for dinner?”

“This shit is real? Jesus no wonder he was terrified to tell his grandmother she was overstepping.”

“It’s not only real, it’s fucking authorized. I haven’t met his parents but I don’t expect they’ll like me much, if and when I do. His brother’s cool and his grandmother turned out to be pretty amazing too.”

“This book is trash.” Bucky said, tossing it onto the coffee table. “What were you thinking of ordering?”

“Well there’s the deli they’re closest and really good. Or there’s a great Chinese place that will take a little longer. Do you think I should get rid of the book? Would it make TJ uncomfortable, do you think?”

“The deli sounds great, based on your hot dog preparation I’ll have what you’re having.” Bucky said, watching Janie as she crossed the room. “I’m not sure how TJ isn’t already uncomfortable with the existence of that book. I don’t think I would keep it.”

“Ok it’s gone then. You’re sure you don’t want to look at the menu?” Janie held a paper menu between them.

“I’m sure, just two of whatever you’re having.” Bucky answered, waving the menu away.

“Ok, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Janie said, calling the deli.

Bucky crossed the room to the piano and brushed his fingers across the keys, quiet notes followed his fingers. He thought about small hands and delicate feminine hands tripping over the black and whites, looking up at his smiling mother as she tried to teach him a hymn. ‘The fun song mama’ he’d object and she’d give him the long-suffering smile that preceded the caving in. He teased a little bit of “Second Hand Rose” out of the instrument.

“I didn’t know you played?” Janie said from his shoulder, she’d effectively snuck up on him and he didn’t even mind.

“I didn’t either, I don’t.” Bucky turned. “My ma did. Used to pinch hit at church, when I was a little guy I wanted her to play at the cinema but she didn’t want to get a reputation.”

Bucky put his hand on Janie’s arm and slid it down to her hand, linking their fingers. “Being here is warm and familiar, nothing like the penthouse. I appreciate what TJ did but it feels so – I can’t even explain it Janie.”

“Over the top. I won’t tell TJ.” Janie grinned, putting her hand on Bucky’s neck. “Turn around.”

He did as asked and Janie rubbed the base of his neck and tickled her fingers up along the sides into his scalp. Bucky relaxed into her hands, leaning against her. “You’re right, this is fantastic.” He crooned.

Janie took the compliment to heart, giving his hair a ruffle, “Thanks sweetie.” He started when the buzzer rang and she kissed the top of his head. “Relax, it’s just the deli. Food’s here.”

Bucky followed her to the door, she appreciated his concern and decided not to say anything about it. When she answered the door she took the box from the delivery boy and handed it to Bucky before turning back to pay and tip the kid. Might as well put him to work if he was going to be overprotective.

“So did you only learn Second Hand Rose? Or did you learn other tunes too?” She asked when they sat in front of the food.

“I think… Chopsticks? I was supposed to learn hymns but she never really forced me.”

“Couldn’t say no to your puppy-dog eyes?” Janie teased.

“I guess that’s it.” Bucky rolled his eyes at her, “I just liked the fun songs. I was maybe four? Five?”

Janie picked up the remote and switched playlists, some big band music she’d recently found while thinking about Bucky and Steve and their fates. “So, I guess you like this then? Fun songs.”

His smile was warm and nostalgic. “You’d better watch yourself Miss Janie, I might be compelled to clear the floor and ask you to dance.”

“I’d be honored if you did. But maybe before we put all this food away, not after.” She chuckled.

“You’re serious?” he was astounded, he’d been certain she’d politely decline.

“I’m serious!” Janie’s face was alight with joy. She laughed outright as he moved to rearrange the apartment. He shoved the sofa back as close to the entry as possible and the coffee table ended up in the kitchenette.

“It’s a good thing those chairs haven’t arrived yet, you wouldn’t have half the space.” He held a hand out to Janie in offer. “May I have this dance?”

“You may.” She took his hand gently. He pulled her close.

“Do you know how to do the Lindy?” he asked, expecting a hearty laugh and a bashful ‘no’.”

“You’re talking to the daughter of a dance instructor. I can probably pull it off.”

They fell in step instantly, dancing through the rest of the song and the one that followed. He was smiling and she was laughing and both of their faces were flush when they stopped. He put his hand on her thick braid, feeling the silky strands as his hand trailed to the tail of it and he tugged. “Thank you.” He said, putting his forehead to hers. She brushed her fingers along his jaw and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you. You’ve made today survivable and even fun. We need to go out dancing one of these days, what do you think?”

“I’d like that. Is there somewhere we could do this? I mean – dance like that?”

“Yes! Oh swing dancing took off in a big way a few years ago and there’s a great club that I would love to go to if I had a reason. You know, I keep away from clubs for obvious reasons but if there was a legitimate reason to be there, like an evening out, I’d go in a second.”

“We could make it an event, invite all the stooges.” Bucky smiled. “More dancing? Or dinner?”

“Dinner please!” Janie said, “but don’t move the furniture yet, I might dance again.”

“I hope I can change your ‘might’ to a ‘will’.” Bucky snickered, “So since the furniture is divided like the red sea, where do you want to eat, on the floor at the coffee table or on the sofa with nothing to hold our food but our laps?”

“I vote the floor.” Janie tugged his hand, “If your ancient bones can handle it.”

Bucky followed with a huge grin.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like the chapter title says, the boys are gettin' some. This chapter is all about that. If you don't want to read TJ/Jack smut you might wanna skip this chapter.

TJ was tempted to just pamper Jack and send him off to bed, it had been such a draining day and he knew Jack would go to sleep with the proper application of massage and tenderness. TJ was also so starved for Jack’s touch that he was having the worst time being noble.

Jack had gone into the bedroom to change and thought TJ was right behind him. When he’d gotten his tie and shirt off, and his pants unfastened, all without hands on him, he turned to find the room empty other than himself. He stepped out of his trousers and set them aside before heading back out of the bedroom.

“Hey, I’m missing you in here, I had to do it all myself.” He called to TJ who was looking out the widow.

“Hmm?” TJ asked, clearly distracted. Jack walked up behind him and put his arms around TJ.

“What’s bothering you, Kitten?” he said into TJ’s neck before kissing just below TJ’s hairline.

“I was just looking at the view.” TJ lied.

“Stunning, especially from where I stand.” Jack ignored TJ’s lie. He unbuttoned the top button of TJ’s shirt, then the next several. “I would only change one thing.”

TJ smiled in spite of his warring thoughts, “Jack, if you’re tired, I know you’ve had an emotional day.”

Jack physically turned TJ to look at him, “You’re right, it’s been emotional. Do you know what gets me through emotional times? You TJ. Being with you.”

“I’m right here Jack. You don’t have to…” TJ’s hands went to Jack’s shoulders, “You don’t.”

“Since when is being with you, having sex with you, a hardship for me? I know we’ve had a dry spell, but if we let everything that keeps coming down on us keep us apart, we might as well start sleeping in separate rooms. I don’t want that, I want you.”

Jack pulled TJ into a kiss. He draped one arm around TJ’s neck, holding him close as his tongue teased TJ’s parted lips. TJ reacted by tugging Jack’s hips to his, rocking against him naturally as his body responded to the rhythm of Jack’s kiss.

Jack trailed his free hand down the button placket of TJ’s shirt, flicking buttons through their buttonholes and grazing TJ’s chest with his thumb. Reaching the bottom button of the already untucked shirt was a tight squeeze between the two of their bodies; Jack tugged the shirt loose and slipped his hand between them, palming TJ’s arousal, and getting his lip nipped in the process.

“No.” TJ said simply.

“No?” Jack parroted.

“We’re doing this right, none of that rushed and stop-and-go shit. Bedroom.” TJ shrugged out of his shirt and pushed Jack at the small of his back, urging him to move.

“You got it baby.” Jack smirked, tugging TJ’s shirt as he backed into the bedroom ahead of TJ.

TJ brushed up against Jack’s shoulder, planted a rough kiss on his lips, and ducked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Jack heard the water rushing into the tub, “Are you kidding? TJ! You romantic you.” He teased behind the door. Jack turned down the bedding and looked around his room. Thank god he hadn’t been incarcerated in his own room. He couldn’t bring TJ to that place, It would be impossible to intimate with TJ, if he’d had to suffer here, where he’d once felt safe, had once been innocent. Jack turned the stereo on, and queued up a number of sensual songs. “TJ, is the volume good?”

“Yeah, what’s taking you so long?” TJ called back through the closed door.

“Planning. Zero interruptions, right?” Jack smiled as he peeked into the bathroom to see TJ lazily sprawled in the middle of the large luxury tub. “I was wrong. I thought that tub was gorgeous before now.” Jack crossed the room and stepped out of his boxer-briefs. The room was warm and smelled woodsy.

TJ watched Jack approach and moved toward the edge of the tub. “Flattery will get you nowhere. I want you, Jack.”

Jack approached the tub and took the lube from the side, dispensed a generous amount in his palm and applied it to his cock, watching TJ watch him. TJ hungrily followed Jack’s movements as Jack knelt in front of him in the tub and kissed him. One of Jack’s hands was teasing his own arousal while the other trailed down TJ’s chest to his abdomen where it rested briefly before he traced along TJ’s hip bone and over his flank.

TJ lifted up to allow Jack access, still resting his shoulders against the tub. TJ’s ass was occasionally kissed by the bath water as Jack’s hand moved, causing it to ripple as his fingers traced the cleft between his cheeks and slipped between them, the cool lube promising more. TJ spread his knees, offering access as Jack’s finger glided inside him. TJ resisted rocking against the small intrusion, waiting for Jack to provide more.

“Jack, don’t take forever.” TJ moaned.

“Someone was executing his own plans.” Jack smirked as two more fingers were easily accommodated. He curled his middle finger upward and TJ’s resistance broke.

He rocked against Jack’s hand. “You have magic fucking fingers, but that’s not what I want.”

Jack smiled lasciviously as he leaned forward and kissed TJ’s hip before licking a line along the v to his cock. He dragged the flat of his tongue along the length of TJ’s arousal and teased the tip, tasting TJ and grinning before taking his length and sucking up and down, he released his own cock and grasped the base of TJ’s firmly as he hollowed his cheeks and sucked TJ off. TJ tossed his head back moaning with each noise Jack made, with each curl of Jack’s fingers, still teasing his prostate. TJ clenched around Jack’s hand, “Jack I need you to fill me up! I want your beautiful cock.”

Jack pulled off TJ’s still hard dick and pressed his own along TJ’s taint before withdrawing his fingers. He leaned forward, shifting positions to kiss TJ’s swollen pink lips. TJ kissed him back pressing against Jack’s teasing tip. He reached around to guide it in, and Jack captured TJ’s hand and laid it on his own unspent member. TJ cried out as Jack eased into his hole. Jack withdrew slowly and pressed back again in a deceptively leisurely motion. TJ strained to hold the position, his abs drew tight to keep the near-plank position. Jack helped support TJ with one hand and rubbed his other hand along TJ’s nude, wet skin.

Jack picked up the pace, thrusting in and out, wet skin and lube slapping but being drowned out by both men’s moans and guttural compliments. TJ repositioned on his hands and knees, unable to hold the previous position any longer and still enjoy the continued sensation. Jack was holding back, TJ knew. He wasn’t so resistant, Jack’s fingers snaked around his cock and joined his own, tugging him to completion, cum dispersing into the fragrant water.

“Jack, oh god, Jack,” TJ cried out as Jack’s cock struck his prostate repeatedly. “Fuck, stop dragging it out.”

Jack knew TJ couldn’t see his smile, but that didn’t stop the reaction. “You’re done with me already Kitten?”

“No, you prick.” TJ moaned. I want you to fill me up Jack. I need it.” TJ dipped his forehead so that it touched the water. “I need you.”

Jack wrapped his arms around TJ as he thrust repeatedly, finally letting go. He shuddered and thrust erratically as TJ moaned his name and love words intermittently, always losing control when TJ begged and loved him. He stilled as TJ clenched around him, filling his boy as requested.

TJ reached back and held Jack’s thighs against his, not letting Jack withdraw, Jack kissed TJ’s shoulder blades and traced his nipples with his fingers. They moved so Jack was seated, just dislodging momentarily until TJ mounted him, rocking his hips, gliding his prostate along the still firm length of Jack. TJ sucked Jack’s lip between his, kissing him as he rode, full of Jack and his seed. “I love you Jack. I love you.” He murmured over and over as he trailed kisses along Jack’s throat.

Jack put his hand on the back of TJ’s neck, rubbing his thumb across his collar bone. “I love you too Kitten. TJ you’re my world.”

TJ slowly lifted up, feeling physically drained as he was emptied of Jack’s cock. The loss was intensified as his cum followed. He kissed Jack urgently. Jack held TJ tightly to him, taking his bruising kisses, and returning them with marks on TJ’s neck.

Jack dried TJ off and sent him off to the bed with a slap to the rear before drying himself. He remembered to grab the lube before leaving the room.

Jack set the bottle on the bedside table and crawled across his bed, “Sleeping already?” he asked, running his fingers up TJ’s thigh before planting kisses in their path.

“Nope.” TJ hummed lazily. Jack stopped at TJ’s hip and sucked a mark there.

“I’m staking my claim.” Jack murmured, “marking my property, are those acceptable terms?”

“As long as I can mark you as mine too.” TJ carded his fingers through Jack’s hair. “and let me return the favor from earlier.”

“Holding you to it, on both counts.” Jack moved to dip his tongue into TJ’s navel. “You are delicious Kitten.”

Jack spent as long as it took to cherish and explore every inch of TJ’s body. He relished every delighted, tormented, blissful sound as he left a mark on his rib cage a few inches from TJ’s nipple, more marks were sucked into the skin along TJ’s collar bone. Jack wrapped his legs around TJ’s and kissed him worshipfully.

TJ pushed Jack over onto his back mid-kiss and plotted a reverse trip down Jack’s body, marking him in random places and tickling his soft spots, though there were few. He teased Jack’s nipples with his teeth and tongue causing Jack to arch to him. Jack held TJ’s head to his chest, carding his fingers through TJ’s curls moaning and reciting TJ’s name and his feline nickname over and over.

TJ pulled away from Jack’s chest, kissing down the center dip of his abs and leaving Jack’s hands empty. His fingers traced along Jack’s hip and beyond his thigh, between the muscled legs and back up, to tease his balls. Jack rolled his hips crooning “fuck yes, TJ. Fuck, talk about fucking magic fingers.” TJ looked at Jack with a hungry grin before flicking his tongue over the tip of Jack’s cock. Jack gripped the sheets in his fingers, “TeeJaay!” he called out as TJ continued to tease and play, finding every ‘most sensitive’ spot.

TJ splayed his hand across Jack’s hip to still his movements and drew Jack’s length into the heated, wetness of his mouth. TJ bobbed and twisted, sucking deeper and deeper as Jack rocked as much as he could under pressure of TJ’s hand. TJ pulled away and licked again, from the base to the tip before taking Jack into his mouth again and again. Jack threw his head against the pillows groaning as TJ licked him clean.

Jack reached for TJ when he withdrew, holding his arms open, welcoming TJ into an embrace. TJ crawled to his spot on the bed, sliding his arm over Jack’s belly and curling into his arms.

“Love you.” TJ sighed into Jack’s neck.

“Love you.” Jack kissed TJ’s temple.

“Morning sex is all yours.” TJ promised with a tired smile.

“I look forward to it. I’ll set an alarm so we can make it happen before brunch.” 


	39. Chapter 39

TJ was awake before the alarm, dreams of what he wanted to do with Jack waking him and with an uncomfortable erection too. TJ ran his fingers over Jack’s exposed back. “Baby?” he said softly, placing a kiss in the middle of Jack’s back.

“Hmmm?” Jack hummed into the soft sheets. “Yeah kitten?”

“I want to fuck you.” TJ smiled into the second kiss on Jack’s shoulder blade.

Jack squirmed, his cock twitching between his body and the sheets, “You promised you would.” He said, sounding more alert.

“Are you awake? Can I interest you in a little morning sex?” TJ teased between kisses on Jack’s neck.

“I’m awake, very awake. Good morning gorgeous.” Jack angled for a true kiss, “mmm, yes, sex please.”

TJ laughed as he reached over Jack for the lube, “You’re gonna lie there and not participate?”

“No, I didn’t say that.” Jack chuckled until TJ slid a slicked finger slowly into him. “Sneaky bastard.”

TJ leaned forward and kissed the small of Jack’s back as he impatiently rolled his hips chasing TJ’s digital stimulation. TJ gripped Jack’s ass cheek and squeezed with his free hand. His other hand was busy taunting Jack’s prostate and working him open. Jack drew up on his knees and TJ withdrew his hand and squeezed both of Jack’s cheeks while he positioned himself.

“Don’t stop now, TJ.” Jack moaned over his shoulder. He caught TJ’s smirk, his only warning before TJ pushed inside him. Jack rocked back, whining TJ’s name, until TJ started thrusting rhythmically. As their bodies struck together Jack’s whines deepened to moans and groans of ecstasy and shouts of TJ’s name over and over. Jack surged back as TJ withdrew, a cry on his lips, “You fucker, I want you, all of you. You promised.”

TJ smacked his cock along the cleft of Jack’s buttocks before slipping back inside and thrusting to his completion. He leaned forward over Jack, kissing his shoulder and making fresh marks on his back while remaining inside Jack. Jack rocked backward a few times, causing TJ’s orgasm to leak from him in spurts. Jack’s rolling hips under TJ and the muscles surrounding TJ incited a second wave. Jack’s cock bobbed against his belly, straining for release.

TJ withdrew from Jack and lay back on the bed, pulling Jack over on top of him, “ride me baby.” He said as he took Jack in hand. Jack moaned as he lowered himself onto TJ’s cock, rocking slightly as he did. TJ rolled his hips meeting Jack’s rocking motions. He could take it slow, having already come hard. Groaning, he slowed Jack with his movements and paid extra attention to the hand job he was giving. Jack watched TJ, not breaking eye contact.

TJ licked his lips, Jack realized his were dry too, he licked his own causing TJ’s rhythm on his cock to stutter. Jack climaxed, coating TJ’s sweat glistening chest and clenching around TJ’s cock. Jack took back the pace, urging TJ toward his second orgasm. He let TJ slip from him and stayed kneeling over and appreciating the view of TJ’s magnificent body. Jack’s hands splayed over TJ’s abs, and smoothed up his slickened torso and back down. “You’re beautiful Thomas Hammond” Jack said as he leaned forward to claim TJ’s kiss swollen lips.

“I love you Johnathan Benjamin.” TJ returned, almost enjoying the sound of his own name on Jack’s lips as much as he did the feel of Jack’s full name on his tongue.

“I love when you use my full name.” Jack laughed. “We missed the alarm.”

“I kinda love hearing you use mine too.” TJ admitted. “Productive shower time. We need to get ready for brunch. Please tell me we don’t have to wear suits again.”

“You’re going to wear whatever you want.” Jack decided, and so was he.


	40. Chapter 40

Jack and TJ arrived at the brunch table just after David and Michelle had, and several minutes before Elaine and Douglas did. Michelle kissed and hugged TJ and then Jack, “Did you get the respite you were hoping for?”

“We did, one afternoon alone was more successful than a weekend at the penthouse.” TJ smiled softly.

“To be fair, TJ. You were at the penthouse when news of all of this came to light. I’m glad you were able to recharge.” Michelle offered kindly.

“Tommy!” Elaine said when TJ looked at her.

“Momma, I hope you had a good afternoon yesterday. You didn’t have to work too hard I hope?”

“No more than usual.” She said as she always did, as she pulled him in for a hug. “You look wonderful.”

He’d wondered, wearing ‘what he wanted’ consisted of jeans and a soft Henley layered under a lightweight hoodie. “Thanks.” He smiled, “Comfortable, we’re going to see the city today. Can you come?”

“I’m not sure, but Douglas should be free.” She said, looking at her sons. Douglas glanced from TJ to Elaine, looking at her like he was ready for a duel, and TJ looked crushed, “I’ll clear my schedule.”

Jack watched TJ’s smile fade when his mother dismissed his invitation and wanted so badly to say something. When she changed her answer, he put his hand on TJ’s shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze, maybe she was learning. TJ’s smile wasn’t as sweet, not as bright, but it remained. Jack kissed his cheek before they sat around the table.

“If you’re too busy, I understand.” TJ finally answered.

“Nonsense TJ. I’m here to pay respects to the crown of Gilboa, and any entertainment the royal family has organized, including an outing with the prince and anyone of his choosing would take precedence over anything anyone else wants from me.” She smiled warmly across the table at TJ, “At least that’s how I’ll explain it to them. Of course I’m looking forward to spending some time with you and to getting to know Jack.”

TJ tried to keep his smile in place, uncertain how much of what she’d said was true, he had a sneaking suspicion it was more of the former and less of the latter. He squeezed Jack’s hand under the table before tucking into the meal in front of him.

Douglas struck up conversations with David, Elaine and Michelle exchanged stories both pairs involved Jack in their discussions, and TJ sat watching the dynamics and feeling exactly like he ever had at one of these functions. He was ready to excuse himself, to retreat to Jack’s room, when David engaged him in conversation over music.

“So, TJ, you said you write music? Do you play?”

“I do, I play piano.”

“That’s wonderful, so do I.” David said excitedly. “We’re going to have to plan something; I’d love to hear you play before you leave.”

“We need to make that happen,” Jack agreed. “Are you up for it TJ?”

This he could do. The conversation revolving around music and not politics, he could definitely do. If he could lose himself in his music, he was more than capable and confident in those abilities. “Yes, I’d really like that. Maybe this evening, if nobody has other plans.”

TJ saw Jack’s satisfied grin and smiled back, squeezing his hand lightly. The conversation stayed on music, preferences, what pieces they might enjoy performing and at Jack’s insistence, a promise to play his songs.

“TJ has been looking into the idea of a YouTube channel, as he does footwork to land a contract, the traffic to the videos will be good for his portfolio, and the money he can pull in is actually quite promising.”

“I haven’t gotten the equipment yet, but I sent Janie a list of things to start acquiring, I ordered a few things to be delivered as well.”

“From where are you going to broadcast these videos?” Elaine asked. “You could do it from home.”

“Our apartment is home. It’s my home Mom. I have a piano, and the lighting is good, why wouldn’t I use my home?” TJ was trying to remain composed, doing better about it thanks to the light pressure Jack had applied to his thigh, calming him, “It doesn’t have to look elegant, just appealing, and our home is very comfortable and appealing.”

“Mom forgets that the White House isn’t our home.” Douglas pointed out, “Everyone moved out and made homes of our own before she won the presidency, it’s been everybody else’s home in the years since we grew up there.”

“Dougie has seen our place, and other than needing some more chairs, which we’re shopping for when we get home, it’s not so shabby, right Doug?” TJ asked, hoping for backup.

“It’s cozy, in a clean building and the three seem very comfortable and happy. I think the piano is in the perfect spot for TJ’s idea too, some natural light streams in from the window and when you add the warm light from the lamp, it’s perfectly relaxed and inviting.”

“What do you know about this venture you’re planning on taking?” Elaine asked, hoping that she didn’t sound as condescending as TJ had already presumed her comment.

“I just started researching it, I had planned to look further into it over the last couple of days, but I think I’ll really dig into it tonight or tomorrow morning, depending on how our plans for the day pan out.” I’ve read a bunch of stuff and I still have more to read, then I also have some idea what I need to do financially and legally. Teenagers do this, Mom. I am pretty sure I can work it out.”

His patience was failing, he was starting to feel that familiar combination of inadequacy and disillusionment, “You’d be amazed at how much research TJ’s already done. It’s going to be a much better representation of his talent. Speaking of which, we need to start vetting agents TJ, you shouldn’t do all the footwork yourself.” Jack spoke to the group, holding TJ’s hand gently.

“Agents?” TJ hadn’t even thought of it, trying to do everything himself, “That would probably be a far cry easier than doing it all myself.” TJ admitted.

“Of course, it would give you more time to write.” David added.

Elaine was surrounded and outnumbered. She really worried about TJ getting into the music business and falling back into old habits, she just couldn’t think of an argument that would match up against all of the positivity.

As though Jack could read her mind, he prompted TJ to tell about the meeting that he’d walked out of, “Jack, I don’t know.” TJ hedged, “It’s embarrassing, and really, it’s mostly boring.”

“It’s also something you can avoid in the future if you have a good, industry savvy agent.” Jack smiled.

“Ok, but that doesn’t mean it’s a story for anyone to find entertaining.” All eyes were on him, and Jack’s fingers squeezed his reassuringly, “I went into this – I really wanted this theater gig. I could be writing songs for this production that is coming up. The guy I was supposed to meet was going to be writing the dialogue for the play, and the lyrics. When I got there, he was busy so I waited, he finally came and sat next to me in the theater, and started running his hand up my thigh. This wasn’t just a quick grab, this was getting personal.

“Things with Jack were very new but I was still very much committed to Jack. Not that I needed to be with someone else or anything for this to be wrong. It is assault and it’s not cool. So he’s got his hand on my leg and I’m just trying to be decent, but this guy, it was so off-putting and unfamiliar and just –” TJ cringed, “It made me feel very uncomfortable. Then he proceeded to tell me I’d have to do business his way, including partying it up in nightclubs. That was after I told him I’m in recovery.

“Just, none of it was good. I still want to do theater as much as anything, but I can’t work with that guy and if what I heard him mutter when I left, I might not ever get into theater. But if it’s my sobriety and sanity, so hard won, or that, I’m not going to sell my soul.”

TJ’s determined gaze fell on Douglas and Elaine, as though he challenged either of them to call foul. He saw his mother’s eyes glisten and the familiar and maddening smirk on Dougie’s face. “See mom, I told you TJ’s really, really gotten a handle on things.” Doug said with pride, smiling at TJ’s blush. “We just need to stop butting in and let him keep doing it.”

“We can start by not talking about him like he’s not even here, Dougie.” TJ smacked, to ignore his discomfort. “What have you and Annie been doing since I saw you last?”

“Avoiding me.” Elaine commented, “Apparently I have a lot to learn about my children and their need for space.”

“Good. At least some of the time I have valuable advice.” TJ quipped, smiling fondly at his mother. “Don’t worry momma, someday you’ll have grandchildren to start doting on, and they’ll be little and won’t need space for years. How’s that coming Dougie?”

TJ felt very pleased with himself when the blush on his brother’s face rivaled what he was sure was his own. Jack shared a look with Michelle, familiar with strained parent-child relationships, they actually found this one amusing. Jack also found that he felt ok with being amused, because TJ was holding his own and even enjoying himself without a lot of underlying pain. He was sure some residual pain was being locked down, but TJ looked like he was enjoying the conversation enough to allay any concerns.

“It’s so interesting that you two are twins also.” Michelle commented once the laughter subsided, “and the whole resemblance thing is really kind of spooky, especially with Bucky too?”

TJ nearly choked on the bite of food he’d just put in his mouth, his mother didn’t know about Bucky yet. He covered it up by putting his napkin to his lips. He saw it coming before she said anything, “Bucky? You don’t mean Bucky Barnes? He’s surfaced?”

“Mom, I wanted to talk to you about that.” TJ started.

“If I could, I’d like to be part of the discussion.” Michelle requested. “I’ve got a few things to say regarding him that I think should be part of the conversation.”

“TJ, how do you have anything to talk to me about regarding a wanted fugitive?”

“As Michelle said, there’s a bit of information, could we…”

“We can talk about it right now, it appears that only Douglas and I are in the dark – unless you know something I don’t know Douglas?”

“No, I wouldn’t mind hearing about this.”

TJ sighed, slouching in his chair and hanging his head. “I want you to have an open mind Mom, and really listen to Michelle and to Jack and David. All I really have to say is he deserves a chance.”

“A chance? TJ he’s killed people, you remember what happened in our own city.” Elaine looked like she wasn’t going to be hearing anything other than the sound of her blood rushing through her ears.

“Mom. He wasn’t in control. He was being controlled by Hydra, he had no way to break through the brainwashing. Please listen to Michelle and David, they saw him here, they know who he is, what he’s been through.”

“TJ, how are you involved with him?”

“I met him when Steve, Captain Rogers, came to give Jack his paperwork. Jack was a wanted fugitive too, but he’s been exonerated. The least the world can do is look at what POW and War Hero Sergeant Barnes has suffered before locking him away again. Please listen before you get carried away.”

The morning was taken over by discussions of Bucky’s contributions to freeing Gilboa, his imprisonment by the Hydra faction that had infiltrated the Gilboan government, and stories that David had heard from Steve and Sam, as well as things Bucky had confided to David during their watch. TJ couldn’t supply anything, could only sit, and wring his hands over the problem that he’d somehow made a personal one. His talks with Bucky, especially the smoke on the roof, really had bound him to the man in some way.

Douglas was on his phone through much of it; TJ tried not to be annoyed, but couldn’t help it. He finally walked over and as he leaned down to say something in Doug’s ear he saw the search for the Hydra/SHIELD documents Natasha Romanoff had leaked regarding the Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes. JT put a hand on Doug’s shoulder and squeezed.

Doug showed his mother the documents he had found, the proof that the man had been held and tortured against his will. “Mom, if anyone can help him, we have two governments right in this room that could put more than just a pretty good argument together.”

“Mom, I was going to talk to you about this, I was going to ask if you could help.” TJ added.

Elaine looked at her sons, they’d grown up on Captain America, and Bucky Barnes, TJ was always being told he could be a little Bucky and he was enamored with the praise. “TJ, it was him at the bar, wasn’t it? You were protecting him.”

TJ blushed and nodded, “Yeah, he needed to go outside, get out, and think, you know? The club bouncer thought he was me and let him in. He didn’t even get to finish his drink before I was being disparaged. He’s a really nice guy. I had one or two really nice talks with him. You can get that look off your face, I am committed to Jack.”

Jack noted that at least TJ’s mom had the sense to blush at her presumption. He was getting almost as frustrated with TJ’s mom as Janie was. She was all over the map, and then she wondered why TJ had trouble with direction.

“I’m not sure if I’m more upset with you for lying to me, or impressed with how you managed to tell the truth in there somewhere. You have a good heart TJ. I’ll listen. Maybe I should do that and let you and Jack go on this afternoon’s outing without me.”

“As much as I’ve looked forward to spending the time with you, giving that time to Bucky is an honor. Please have an open mind.” TJ answered after considering it for a moment. He kissed his mom before turning to Jack, “You coming with me or do you think they’re going to need you?”

“I’ve told them all I know, only a little more than you. If they have any questions or need further character references, they know how to reach us.” Jack answered as he rose to leave with TJ.

Outside, Jack hooked his arm in TJ’s, “You sure you’re ok? You seemed disappointed earlier when she almost backed out.”

“I’m not thrilled, but it’s for Bucky. I’ll gladly make the sacrifice.”

“Do I have a rival?” Jack taunted TJ.

“Nah, he was just kind to me. Gave me some good advice and was decent when he didn’t have to say or do anything. He was my hero, you know? Once all the news about what he did came out, it kind of broke my heart until I read more and heard more.”

“You couldn’t pick a better hero than one who suffers and endures. Your sacrifice was noble.” Jack wasn’t exactly teasing, but he was being lighthearted about it. "I’ve only got a couple of places I really care to go today. We can take it slow, do you care to walk?”

“I’m following you, if you don’t want to do this Jack, it’s ok.”

“I do, there are some things I need to check on. I hope it won’t be too boring for you. You’ve seen one city, you know?”

“No. each is different because of the people and the history. If there are things you can’t do yet, you don’t have to. It’s not like we can’t come back – you’re hopelessly in love with your nephew.” TJ smiled.

“My old place, we can do. I don’t know if you want to come with me to speak to Joseph’s family but I think I should give my condolences. Then I want to show you something.” Jack smiled back at TJ, impish and secretive.

“I’d be honored to accompany you to see Joseph’s family. Do you have any pictures of him that you can take home? I wouldn’t complain if you tucked one somewhere close to your heart Jack.” TJ asked gently as they crossed the courtyard.

“The disk with his video is in my apartment along with a few photos.” Jack said after thinking. He stopped short in the center of the garden, then dropping his hands from TJ’s arm moved slowly toward the rose bush that was the showpiece of the garden and sank to his knees.

TJ watched powerlessly as Jack dissolved into tears. His heart hitched and he forced one foot in front of the next to carry him to Jack’s side. “Jack, sweetheart,” he crooned, “what is it baby?”

Jack curled into TJ’s arms still weeping. When he could finally speak, he slipped his arms around TJ’s waist and held onto him, “Our last words to each other were horrible. I miss her TJ.”

“Your mother?” TJ asked and Jack’s head nodded against his rib cage. “Of course you do baby, she was your mom. I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t understand.”

“No honey, I don’t. I still love you and I’m still here for you, but you’re right, I don’t understand. I’m still here for you baby.” TJ threaded his fingers through Jack’s hair and held him. “You don’t have to tough it out. You’re grieving and you’ve been so strong for long enough.”

“She loved me didn’t she? She said she did but she did terrible things.”

“Of course she loved you. She didn’t know how to do it the way you needed it, Jack. People do terrible things for love too, she loved you, of course she did.” TJ rambled, crying for Jack, knowing even his own mom’s strained attempts were better than Jack’s mom could manage. “Don’t remember the terrible things, remember the times she told you how she felt, the times she pleaded with you to come home to her alive, the times she touched you tenderly. She was your momma, of course she loved you baby.”

Jack listened to TJ’s list of things to remember, he held tightly to TJ and waited for the wave of sobs to ease before looking up at the one person who might not understand losing a parent but somehow understood him. “I’m sorry TJ. I don’t know why that happened here.” Jack managed to say through hiccupping sobs.

“You must have many strong memories of her here, it’s ok. It really is ok to fall apart when you’re hurting, it’s ok to feel things and to let them out. I don’t want to ever hear you apologize for expressing your feelings.”

“I did tell you I love you today, right?” Jack tried to smile but fell short. “I need to tell you every day, I need you to know in case…”

“You’re not losing me and vice versa. We’re stuck with each other, but yeah, you have said it today. I will hear it any time you want to say it. I love you too Jack. I do, so much.” TJ kissed Jack’s forehead and smoothed tears from his cheeks before Jack sat back on his knees, looking at his hands. “If you can’t do the things we were going to do today, it’s ok. We have a few days yet.”

“No, I can, and I want to.” Jack rose and touched the nearest open bloom on his mother’s prize rose bush, “Rose Benjamin. My mother.”

TJ put a hand on Jack’s shoulder and squeezed before stepping back and walking back to the path to give him time. He watched as Jack contemplated the flower, caressing the petal between his fingers.

Jack turned after a long time blinking tears away to focus on the rose. His first instinct was to seek out TJ, swiping at the errant tears, and found him standing at the spot they’d left. TJ held his hand out and Jack took it as he fell back into step with TJ. “Thank you TJ.”

“Any time Jack.” TJ squeezed Jack’s hand.

“That didn’t happen.” Jack said, trying to be strong.

“It did so happen. But I won’t tell anyone.” TJ allowed. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“It was a little pathetic.” Jack tried to smile as they walked. TJ was quiet for a long moment before answering, causing Jack to wonder.

“Not even a little. You’re trying so hard to be unaffected but you aren’t. You lost them Jack. Whatever they did to you, they were your parents and like you and Michelle both said at the service, there are good memories, good things to hold onto and to mourn. It’s ok to love flawed people, and that’s good because I’m flawed too.”

“And me.” Jack smiled easier this time, “I’m flawed, from flawed stock, so it’s definitely good that you can love flawed people.”

“I can and I do.” TJ admitted, picking up his pace with a nervous energy. “I hope you’re not forcing yourself to do more things that hurt you when you could just show me the decadent side of you today.”

“Oh? You want to go into the Dark Side of Jack Benjamin?" Jack asked, keeping up with TJ's new speed, "That way lies a world of drugs and alcohol and sex. You’ve sworn off of two of the three.”

“Yes, I have haven’t I?”  TJ responded with a frown, repressed emotions and temptation to do things he shouldn’t even consider pushing him down a dark path, “It’s been a rough week.”

“No.” Jack said with finality, pulling TJ's arm to slow their pace as they neared the water's edge.

“No?” TJ taunted with a leer, “It would be fun to do forbidden things with you, Jack.”

“What happened to your hard-won sobriety TJ? I have a meltdown and you give up?”

“Every day I fight it. What if we did it in a controlled situation? Is it a problem then?”

“Yes, because there is no control with addiction TJ." Jack slowed down further, "You can’t go back and forth.”

“Would you love me less?” TJ pouted, turning to look back at Jack. He wasn’t sure what was happening, the roar of the past several days crushing in on him and the thought of Jack reduced to a pool of tears in front of a rose bush was the final straw.

“No, TJ I wouldn’t love you less, but once we were through, and the high was gone, once we were home and you had to look at yourself in the mirror, you would love you less and that would hurt me TJ.”

Jack led TJ to the rail looking over the river and stood next to him. “What’s happening TJ?”

“It’s nothing new Jack. It’s always under the surface. I thought maybe I could convince you that you’d want to short-circuit the pain and maybe I could come along for the high.”

“I don’t want that. I told you in New York, I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m new TJ. I want to do the right things and disconnecting isn’t an option. I wouldn’t drag you down that road either because you don’t really want it either.”

“But I do.” TJ said as he looked over the river. “I’m sorry Jack, I’m not the support you deserve.”

“You’re struggling, it’s ok. We knew there would be tempting times here, and you have been an amazing support, but you don’t have to take on the role without mutual support from me TJ. You give me the strength to face emotional moments and I’ll be here to remind you of your sober vow. I won’t take you to those places TJ. I won’t get high with you. If that’s your desired activity, you’ll have to find it on your own and go without me.”

“I won’t be doing that.” TJ sighed. “I didn’t mean to turn this into a TJ moment.”

“You and me kid.” Jack said softly as he kissed TJ’s cheek, “We go hand in hand, and so does our drama.”

“That’s not necessarily reassuring.” TJ leaned up against Jack.

“Sure it is. We’re so gone over each other; we can protect one another from what threatens to hurt us. If you take the low road, TJ, you come to me and you tell me truthfully. It will sadden me, because you’ve been so strong, but I won’t ever judge you or stop loving you. I promise you that. I won’t ever do it with you though so don’t ever put me in that position.”

TJ turned and wrapped his arms around Jack, “those are real moments in the life of TJ Hammond Jack. Random slips.”

“If you don’t talk about it I understand, but you can. Tell me those dark things. I’m not pure hearted; I’ve had many dark thoughts. I would not judge you.”

“I thought going to New York would make it stop. I thought coming here I could be the pillar of support you need. I just discovered that the darkness followed me to New York and I’m not as strong as I imagined I was.”

“You’re stronger than you imagined you were, you’re stronger than you know. You’ve been more than just a pillar of support, you’ve given me a lifeline several times in spite of the darkness. You’re light in the darkness TJ, but that doesn’t mean that your spark can’t dim from time to time. Light needs energy and we’ve both been drawing from it. You’re always going to crave an easy recharge.”

“You’re painfully cheery all of a sudden.”

“No. I’m not. I’m really not.” Jack said sadly. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe what I told you.”

“Ok, let’s walk. I think I’m past the current crisis.”

“My turn.” Jack smirked.

“If you must.” TJ tugged Jack’s hand. “Or we can take a break from that and go see something else.”

Jack followed and then led TJ off in the direction of Joseph’s family home. “Might as well get the next tough thing checked off the list.”

“The Lasiles?” TJ asked intuitively.

“Yeah, if you’re still ok with it.” Jack asked shakily.

“I am, of course. Unless you would rather go alone.”

“No.” Jack answered quickly. “No. not alone.”

The visit was quick and emotional, Jack apologized for not letting Joseph know how loved he was and his parents reassured Jack, which made him feel so uncomfortable.

“Jack, we understand why you had to do what you did, Joseph understood, in time. He just wanted you to be happy.”

“The problem is, I didn’t spend enough time considering his happiness. I’ll be sorry for that for the rest of my life. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but I have to tell you, and I hope you’ll not despise me for this, I don’t think Joseph killed himself.”

Jack looked at Joseph’s mother, Joseph had her eyes. She reached out and squeezed his hand to urge him to continue. “I’m afraid my mother had a hand in it. Joseph sent a video to the palace. He was going to out me to the nation one way or another, and she couldn’t have it. She told me he’d killed himself, but she’d said something else that didn’t register until I was alone with my thoughts. She said he wanted to blackmail the royal family. If she believed that then how would him committing suicide make sense?”

Joseph’s father stood up violently and crossed the room to look out the window.

“I want to make reparations; I wish I could give you your son back.” TJ took Jack’s free hand communicating support when Jack looked at him apologetically, “I wish more than anything that he were here right now, but that can’t be. I want to open a community center in his name, a place that would focus on LGBT+ support, including a medical and psychological clinic and outreach. I’d be honored if you would like to be involved in every part of its creation, from the design to the opening and beyond.”

Joseph’s father was still facing away, his shoulders hunched, Jack was reminded again of Joseph in the man’s silhouette and in the determined rise of the man’s shoulders and head as he turned, “Jack, that is a fine thing you are offering.”

“I’m just grateful that you are so much like your son, I know that the way I treated him in the end was unforgivable, but he forgave me and you. You’re an amazing family. I wish I’d given him the chance to introduce us. I wish I’d have had your influence in my life.”

“Whatever’s happened to you, Jack, you’re now so much more the person Joseph knew you could be. I suspect this young man has something to do with that.”

“To be honest, Mrs. Lasile, Joseph has everything to do with it. It was his words that inspired me to embrace who I could be. TJ benefits from Joseph’s influence.”

“I hope my coming along with Jack wasn’t in poor taste, I owe your son. His memory saved Jack from suicidal thoughts while he was incarcerated, he inspired Jack to look inside and realize he deserved happiness. Your son might be gone, but the mark he left on Jack’s life brought Jack out of the darkness. He left a mark so deep, that I feel it’s inside of me somehow.” TJ said glancing meaningfully between Joseph’s parents.

“I want to thank you both for coming. Of course I miss my boy every day, but you’ve made today easier to bear. I’d be honored, Jack, to help in any way I can with the center. It’s a beautiful tribute.”

“If you don’t want me there, for the opening, I’d understand.” Jack said quietly.

“That’s nonsense. You should be there,” Mrs. Lasile said tenderly, “you can stand proudly there in Joseph’s memory and you can show the world how much you loved him.”

“I’m not doing this to make a statement.” Jack argued.

“Joseph would appreciate the sentiment.” Mr. Lasile added, “I appreciate your reluctance to use your gift to Joseph’s memory to speak of yourself, but perhaps you could speak lovingly of Joseph without betraying your newfound honor.”

“We’re a ways away from any opening speeches, Jack, just keep an open mind about it.” Mrs. Lasile added.

“Thank you. You’ve been much more accommodating than some would expect. I’m sorry I brought you bad news, but I hope it gives you hope that Joseph would never give up.”

“Jack, before you go, there are some things you might like to keep.”

“I couldn’t ask you to part with any of Joseph’s things.” Jack argued.

“Don’t even think it.” Mrs. Lasile disappeared into one of the back rooms and then returned in minutes, with a small box and a soft blue sweater. “I sit sometimes, in that window with one of Joseph’s sweaters, it brings me comfort. I know he wore this on his favorite outing with you. He wore it often when he was missing you particularly.”

Jack brought the sweater to his face, breathing in the unforgettable scent. He closed his eyes and tears trailed down both cheeks, “Thank you.” Jack said quietly, almost so softly he wasn’t sure anyone heard, “Thank you.” He repeated, stronger this time.

“You’re welcome. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing, it will keep his memory alive.” Mrs. Lasile squeezed Jack’s shoulder before crushing the sweater between them in a hug.

The walk to Jack’s apartment from the Lasiles’ home was silent, but TJ’s hand found Jack’s. It wasn’t until they were standing inside the living room that TJ spoke. “Do you want to do this another day? You’ve already had an emotional afternoon. We could just…”

“I don’t know what you’re about to suggest, going back to my room doesn’t sound any more acceptable than being here. Wherever we go, we’ll be sitting in an awkward silence.”

“Ok, so let’s sit down, that part’s easy.” TJ led Jack to the sofa, he sat and tugged Jack’s hand. Jack bypassed sitting and went straight for lying across the sofa with his head in TJ’s lap. TJ tickled his fingers through Jack’s hair, “I’m not sure what you think, Jack, but I’m glad you touched base with Joseph’s parents. If you need anything to cope with all of this, I’m here for you. Do me a favor, don’t hide the stuff away. It’s part of you, and I meant it when I said it was due to Joseph that you’re even here. If you need to bury yourself in his sweater, I’ll just probably tell you how it compliments your eyes. I might want to hug you in it because it looks soft.”

Jack mustered a chuckle, “You’re filling the air with words to disprove my ‘awkward silence’ comment aren’t you?”

“I can’t just lie and say you’re imagining things?”

“No,”

“Do you regret abdicating, Jack?” TJ asked, tugging a section of Jack’s hair gently, “You would wear a crown beautifully.”

“I don’t. I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I was worried about being forgotten. Then when I was actually truly forgotten, I discovered myself. I found myself in the very obscurity I feared. I dug deep and found the man that Joseph loved and I gave him the power that he’d been denied. The power of my own action and a realization, I wasn’t blessed with what it takes to rule, and I wasn’t hungry for it anymore.”

“I wondered, if you came home and saw things, if you were surrounded again, maybe you’d have second thoughts. Michelle wonders the same thing, I can see it in the way she watches you. She’s waiting for you to officially make a claim.”

“I already spoke to her officially.”

“No, you made a statement over the phone in the midst of emotional upheaval. You could still walk in there and make a claim and everyone is waiting.”

“Then I’ll have to talk to her about her coronation. It needs to happen. Maybe that will be my statement, crowning my own sister as ruler.”

“You’ll have to do more. You’ll have to be part of David’s coronation – they’ll rule together.”

“As it should be.” Jack looked up into TJ’s eyes. “Sorry you don’t get to be prince consort, kitten.”

“Thank god.” TJ sighed. “I’d do it for you, asshole, but thank god I don’t have to.”

“You're going to have to do something about this aversion to attention once you become famous.” Jack said, sitting up to kiss TJ. “Thank you for being there for me today.”

“Sorry about the thing earlier, by the water.”

“I expect we’ll see that monster again, TJ. Don’t apologize. I want to praise you for being civil about it.” Jack rose and crossed the room, “Now I want to get out of here, I’m going to see if I can find the stuff I came for.”

"You're much too accommodating, but I appreciate it." TJ smiled, “Need any help?”

“Sure, you can help me rifle through the closet.” Jack tugged TJ up from the sofa and the two of them worked together to find the photos and other things Jack wanted to take home. “I’ll see if Michelle can have someone come and pack the rest of this up, some of the clothes I’ll take, the rest I’ll donate to the center.”

“Do you think you should also talk to her about this center that was a mystery until this afternoon in the living room of the Lasiles?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I can do that while you and David talk and play piano to your hearts content.”

“I’m not saying it wasn’t a great idea, you realize you’ll have to spend some chunks of time here to get it going.”

“I hadn’t but you’re right. Would you come with me?”

“Of course.” TJ agreed, carrying one of the boxes they’d put things into.

Jack draped the sweater Mrs. Lasile gave him over the top of the box and put the small box she’d given him into the box he was carrying. “Ok then, we’ve got nothing to worry about.” Jack’s small smile looked as bittersweet as it felt.


	41. Chapter 41

By the time TJ and Jack got back to Alder, they were jostling each other, teasing back and forth. TJ thought Jack’s mood was starting to change for the better, almost as though it were being disbursed by the cool spring breeze that was kicking in.

When they were greeted by Michelle’s smile and little Eli reaching for Jack, Jack set his box down and took the child eagerly. “Did you have a good time?” she asked.

“Not exactly.” Jack said, smiling at his nephew in spite of his answer, “We wound up taking care of some pretty emotional things. I need your help with something I’ve already promised to someone. I’ll beg your forgiveness for making a snap judgment.”

“I guess that will depend on what it is.” Michelle’s smile faltered, whether because of the charged mood or Jack’s words, TJ couldn’t tell. They made their way to the sitting room.

“I went to see Joseph’s family today. I ended up proposing and promising a community center in his name.”

“I’m listening.” Michelle sat next to Jack, giving him her full attention.

“I feel we need to be more progressive in care and resources for the LGBT+ people in the kingdom, and a center with medical and mental health clinics and other resources, bearing Joseph’s name would go a long way to help a large contingency of people as well as paying reparations to his family for our mother’s likely involvement in his death.” Jack stated, looking between the small child that was playing with his face and with the strings on his hoodie, and his sister, the sovereign.

“Jack, that is a beautiful memorial. I absolutely approve. We’ll do whatever it takes to make it a reality. You’ll be involved with it?”

“Yes, and so will his parents, they’ve been invited to be very actively involved with the entire project. I know I’ve overstepped, but I – the family – we owe them, I’m convinced she had everything to do with it and no matter how much I hate that, I can’t…” TJ moved to Jack’s side leaning against the arm of the sofa and scratched the back of his neck softly.

“I know Jack.” Michelle put her hand on her brother’s knee, “I miss her too, and I hated so many of the things she did. It’s been a lesson in how not to behave.”

“So, how did your discussions go regarding Bucky?” Jack finally asked, “Is it something we want to hear.”

“I think things went favorably. We’ve reached out to leaders, Elaine has more experience and contacts than I do, of course, but we have some promising backers. Your mom talked to Steve, TJ.”

“Really?” TJ flinched thinking about how it might have gone and worrying about the thought that she might now know they’re at the penthouse.

“Yeah, she’s going to set up a meeting with him after she returns to Washington.”

“That would be good, Bucky too? Or?” TJ could just imagine how that might go.

“She mentioned granting immunity at least in the US, so he would be welcome to attend the meeting, since it’s regarding his future, I’d assume if the terms were acceptable he’d be there. He’s already welcome here, not that he was ever given the chance to feel welcome here. I fear he wouldn’t willingly return to Gilboa unless it were the last resort.”

“I thought the same thing about me. In fact I still have to thank you and David both for not punishing me further or sending me to exile.”

“Jack, you’ve been punished, we all were. Your choices may not have been ideal but I still believe that in spite of grasping for attention, you were under the mistaken impression you’d be able to do good. I will never forget you holding me at gun point, but the fact that it wasn’t you holding the gun, and the idea that you were terrified yourself, went a long way to granting you my forgiveness.”

TJ’s hand stilled on the back of Jack’s neck, “Oh, I forgot to mention that, did I?” Jack looked up at TJ. “Yes, I threatened to have her shot. It was not one of my better moments. I told you I did terrible, ugly things.”

“I know.” TJ’s voice was quiet, “I was just thinking about forgiveness. Your sister can forgive something so terrifying, heinous even, and I’m holding a grudge against my dad for assuming my past is repeating itself.”

“Heinous. That was me. Quality word TJ.” Jack smiled sadly, “You can do it. You were caught up in emotions when he started talking at you. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me I’m too heinous.”

TJ’s fingers resumed their lazy massage of Jack’s neck, “It hasn’t happened yet.” He leaned over and kissed the top of Jack’s head, lingering over the clean scent. “Michelle, how do you find the strength to forgive?”

“I just needed the peace that it gave me. Peace is stronger than anger and it’s so much easier to live with. I also believe that if you love the person you’re forgiving, it’s a lot more important, if not easier, than if it were a stranger.”

“Love is definitely a motivation.” David said from the entry.

Michelle looked up with a smile, “We couldn’t move forward at all without forgiveness and love.”

“These halls haven’t heard so much talk of love and forgiveness; I’m surprised the walls are still standing.” Jack said as Eli used him and the sofa back as climbing devices.

“They’ll stand longer.” David said as he sat beside Jack on the sofa, enough room between them for Eli to continue climbing.

“Perhaps you’re right. You have wisdom and heart; the country will stand longer too.” Jack admitted. “Is it you we have to thank for a practically press-free outing this afternoon?”

“It was a joint effort, we felt it was the least we could do. I can’t guarantee a continuation; one afternoon was tough enough to wrangle.”

“It was more than I expected and it is much appreciated, thank you David.” Jack had to look around Eli who was dancing in front of his face; he couldn’t help but smile at the active toddler.

TJ stepped behind the sofa when Eli started climbing across Jack to reach him; he picked him up when he gestured with reaching hands and nearly toppled backward. “I have to thank you as well; it was good to be able to get out. I’ve gotten used to a kind of freedom at home and to be honest I don’t expect it to last once we return, so one last paparazzi free day was a blessing.”

“We need to ensure Janie’s protection. We have to make sure Bucky’s safe too, she’s shown an interest and invited him to come around.” Jack looked over his shoulder at TJ who was now learning what it felt like to have toddler fingernails in the fleshy parts of his cheeks and lip. “I’ll call the security company and have them keep the press back from the apartment, could you let Janie know and have her tell Bucky they can’t count on safety near there?”

“Yeah, I’ll go call her right now.” TJ walked around the sofa and David stood to follow him, taking Eli off his hands.

“TJ, let me know if there’s anything else we can do while you’re here. Like I said I can’t guarantee to completely wrangle the paparazzi, but I can try. Are we still on for tonight?”

“Yes!” TJ smiled at David and at Eli's disgust at being pulled away from his new playmate, “we are. I have been thinking of pieces to challenge you with. I need to thank you again for how relaxed you’re being with Jack and allowing him time with Eli. He’s completely smitten. I know things between you were… I don’t even know if there’s a word for it, so it means a lot that you’ve been so welcoming and that you haven’t decided to extend his punishment.”

“Nothing could be gained from torturing him or Michelle any further than they have been. What’s in the past is past and I believe he truly has finally found his way. He’s welcome here any time and I could offer him honors and position, you’d both be assets to our family and our country.”

“I’m impressed that you aren’t anxious to exile him. That’s what he expected you know. He expected lifelong exile at the very least for what he’d done. Your forgiveness and absolution mean more than he’ll probably ever say.”

* * *

“Jack, I am happy you extended your sympathies to Joseph’s family. I’m glad for a lot of things. I remember a time when you feared David taking your place and now you sit here alongside him and you show none of that anger or animosity. How did you do it? How did you overcome that horrible anger?”

“I had a lot of time to myself.” Jack found himself slipping back into the flippant dismissive answer and corrected his course, “I was allowed a lot of time to think, and I turned that anger in on myself many times before I realized that it wasn’t doing me any good. It certainly wasn’t getting me released. At first that’s what I focused on, how could I channel my energy to benefit myself? After a while, the energy of anger turned into a desperation. I was going to be trapped there if I didn’t do something. There’s no way she wasn’t prolonging things, she was lying about her cycle and trying to play house.

“Instead of being angry, I focused on how to get out. It was almost peaceful to let go of the anger. It made planning my escape easier. Then when I was free, Michelle, I was given gifts the night I escaped. There’s no other way of looking at it. I was able to escape the manor and the city. I was able to meet people when I needed them most. These were all rewards for not letting anger and ambitions continue burrowing their hooks in me.” Jack had thought about the anger and the terrible jealous feelings toward David often, embarrassed by his childish behavior.

“This is the kind of evolution that makes a revered king.”

“I’m sure David is much more evolved than I am, and you, you are a benevolent ruler yourself. Have you ever wondered if a monarchy is the right direction Michelle?”

“I’ve wondered a lot of things. I think in this time and place, it’s imperative that we keep some traditions. The coup is only freshly routed and my leadership is in its infancy. More change would just open us up to further threats.”

“Well, David is highly respected as are you, so you’re going to see this turbulence through with grace.”

“Are you sure you don’t want the throne?” There, she asked, they both knew that’s where this was going, she sighed in relief and he took a deep breath.

“Michelle, we’ve been here before. I know it was over the phone and we were both very emotional, but no. I don’t want the throne. I want to be myself and I am learning that to be myself, I have to do something different with my life. I’m actually looking forward to going back and working for Steve. Hopefully TJ and I can ride out the initial onslaught of press and then settle into some kind of pattern. I just want to be happy at home with TJ.”

“Ok, I’m satisfied. I just wanted to give you another opportunity now that you’ve had a little time. I’d step aside Jack. You have to know that.”

“I’m sorry to leave you with such responsibility, but I’m actually not too sorry.” Jack leaned forward with his arms on his thighs, offering a soft smile.

“On the plus side, you’ll be coming back several times to work on the center.” She smiled back. “You’ll get to see more of Eli.”

“That’s the best part of all of this. He’s a miracle, and he’s a sign that you and David are the right ones for the job.”

“What you said in the car? It won’t matter to either of us whether he likes boys or girls. We won’t do to him what was done to you Jack.”

“I know.” Jack blinked at the moisture in his eyes, “I know you won’t do to him any of the things that were done to us.”

“Only the best love and support, none of the worst. We’ll make our own mistakes of course.”

“Of course, but I think your mistakes will be made in the pursuit of the best for Eli and not the best for how people perceive you.”

“Jack, I’m glad we have some time alone. I needed to tell you something that you might want to break to TJ gently.”

“Whatever it is, you could have said in front of him. You don’t disapprove? I know you like him I can tell.” Jack was struggling to not sound like a petulant teenager.

“Of course you can tell, because I haven’t made it a secret. This is just sensitive and it’s your business to tell him." She leaned forward on her folded arms, "Lucinda came to us before you returned. She’s pregnant, Jack.”

“What?” Jack looked like he’d been slapped, “After all that time, the extra time I spent locked away…”

Michelle put her hand over Jack’s fist, “Jack, she did wrong you by toying with you, and she admitted it to me when she came to me. Obviously it’s not my place to forgive her, and I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t. What I’m saying is that there’s a child to think about.”

“Mine?” Jack couldn’t help the skepticism that dripped from the word.

“She says as much, and we know there are ways to confirm, or deny.” Michelle didn’t flinch at his cold tone, instead she crossed the space and sat next to him to offer comfort.

“How long did she hide it? Could I have done anything if she’d been forthright? Could I have helped stop the massacre?”

“She did withhold it for some time. As for being able to do anything, I don’t know Jack. I don’t think father would have exonerated you. They wanted to take any child from you and you would probably have been exiled.”

“If not executed.” Jack finished her unspoken thought. “What about the child? What now?”

“You’re going to have to work it out with her. I won’t take her child from her any more than I’ll take your child from you. You two will have to make this decision on your own.”

“Do you have any insight as to her frame of mind?” Jack knew that her only sin was trying to hold onto him, she hadn’t intentionally tried to hurt him, and he’d led her on in the first place in hopes of currying his father’s favor.

“She’s been prepared to give the child away since the beginning. She’s rather ready to start over, but that’s not saying she won’t have a change of heart when she holds the child. For a while, I thought I could give Eli up so that he could live better, but when he was born, I knew I’d been fooling myself.”

“It’s possible I could take the child with me?” Jack’s voice was breaking from the sheer emotion he was experiencing at the thought.

“It isn’t impossible. Like I said, you need to talk to her. You also need to talk to TJ. I suggest TJ first Jack.”

“Yeah. Thank you for waiting to tell me. I’d rather tell him privately.”

“I thought so. You also have a phone call to make and I need to see that boy before his nap.”

“A phone call?” Jack had forgotten everything before the topic of Lucinda and his child.

“You need to call security for home?”

“Oh. Yeah, thank you.” Jack rose as his sister did, “For everything.”

She pulled him into a hug; unfortunately such gestures had grown foreign between them. Though Jack was taken by surprise, he gripped her closer and they held on just a bit longer than either had intended.

* * *

“Hey Janie.” TJ’s pacing while waiting for Janie to answer stopped. The echo of his footsteps falling silent.

“TJ! Are you ok? You sound stressed.”

“I’m fine, there was a moment earlier where I almost did something really stupid, but that passed, and I’m not calling about me at all, I need you to keep Bucky away from the apartment. The press is catching up to us and it’s only a matter of time before they figure out where Jack and I are living. I wanted to get warning to you as soon as possible.”

“Breathe TJ.” Janie smiled. TJ could hear her frustrating grin. “Slow down and breathe. I’ll let Bucky know.”

“Jack’s hiring security to keep them from getting in your face, between the security and the paparazzi, I just want Bucky to stay safe. Do you know how they’re doing?”

“I saw Bucky yesterday at the apartment, that’s not going to be a problem is it?”

“Was anyone around? I’m sure he’s pretty good about scoping out his surroundings.”

“I’d say no, nobody was around.”

“OK, just going forward, call him and tell him you don’t think the apartment’s a safe place for the time being, I don’t want things to unravel for him right now. You should be fine because the security people won’t let them past and nobody’s seen you with me or Jack yet.”

“Ok good news, so about the other thing?”

“It wasn’t – I think I was just struggling with ghosts of Jack’s past. It was short-lived and Jack handled me well. He’s brutal, doesn’t coddle me like the family, doesn’t sweet-talk me like you do. Which works by the way. But so does his brutal “don’t expect me to go down that road with you” approach.”

“I’m offended. Sweet-talk? TJ?”

“Well for want of a better word.” TJ laughed softly. “You’ve always been able to talk me down. How are you?”

“Funny you should ask. I had a really shitty morning yesterday, Bucky got me through it. He called when I needed it most and he spent the whole day just being there for me. I have to tell you, it was a close call Teej.”

“Are you ok now?”

“Today it’s just grief. One of the kids I was fighting for died and it hit me hard. Yesterday I was devastated, today it’s deep and hard and real, but I’m ok to deal with it.”

“Honey, I’m so sorry.” TJ thought about Janie’s love for the kids she works so hard for and about little Eli and his chest hurt. “I wish I was there to hug you.”

“Me too. Bucky spent the night, I know that can’t happen anymore, but oh, TJ I wouldn’t mind if it could.”

“You two? Already?”

“No, you jerk. He slept in your room. I just couldn’t be all alone, y’know?”

“I do. Maybe things will pick up for him and soon you won’t have to sneak around. Did Steve take you up on the apartment hunting?”

“Yes. I talked to him today when I went back with Bucky. Damn you TJ, you took Jack to that penthouse, and you gave them a hookup, when’s it my turn?”

“Well, I’ll have to see when the place is booked, you deserve it as much as anyone.”

“So, I have a few days off, because apparently I need it, and I’ll be hanging around with Steve apartment hunting. Bucky might tag along if he feels it’s safe.”

“Sounds appropriate, he should put his two cents in if he’s gonna live there. We’re working, well my mom and Jack’s sister are working on his situation. Don’t get his hopes up, but maybe you can ask Steve not to divulge where they’re staying when he talks to my mom again.” TJ looked around cautiously, “She doesn’t need to know where they are just yet.”

“You and I are standing on some dangerous ground, skirting honesty; it’s not in our best interests in the long run. I hope this can be resolved quickly.”

“Me too. So with the new drama that’s come up, with the press, and security? Are you sure you still want us to stay?”

“I want you to stay. I’ll miss you too much if you leave too soon. Give me a few months, a year maybe?”

“Oh Janes… I love you. You might change your tune if you get a taste of the paparazzi. We’ll stay as long as you want, if you promise to tell us when enough is too much.” TJ smiled.

“Nope, just one more exciting chapter in the crazy mixed up world I found myself in. I love you too Teej. Take care of yourself and give Jack hugs and kisses from me.”

“Tell him yourself.” TJ smiled as Jack walked up to him, he handed Jack the phone while explaining, “Janie was just giving me messages for you.”

“Janie! Hey sweetheart, how are you?”

“Been better, been worse. TJ can fill you in. How are you holding up?”

“I could say the same. It’s been ok, better than I feared. Don’t be too upset over the security ok? I wouldn’t have bothered if I didn’t think they might get too aggressive with you. I could be overthinking it.”

“Jack, it’s sweet. I’m sure they won’t be necessary until you guys get home, but I agree, it’s better to be safe. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, love. Take care so you don’t have any more of those ‘been better’ kind of days. We’ll be home soon.”

“Miss you two, I admit it’s too quiet after all.”

Jack handed TJ the phone back after Janie ended things on her end, “So, what’s wrong? She didn’t sound quite as lively as she should.”

“She lost one of her kids. She had some very strong temptations and I guess Bucky called at just the right time. He was there for her when we couldn’t be, one more reason I really need whatever they’re cooking up for him to work. I owe him so much Jack.”

“You’re smitten.” Jack teased, putting his arm around TJ’s waist, “I’m kidding. I’m beginning to think we both owe Bucky a lot. It’s good that he was there for her. Do you know what happened?”

“I don’t, she just said she lost one and that she’s grieving. I’m sure she’ll tell us more when we get home. Can we go home? I’m so homesick.”

“You know what? I was thinking that too. Oddly enough, as much as I said New York was my home now, and that I didn’t want to stay here, I didn’t realize just how true that was going to be. I am homesick for New York and Janie and our cozy room.” Jack agreed.

“We couldn’t cut out early could we? I mean Janie might need us?” TJ was only half kidding.

“Don’t tempt me, it’s starting to feel awkward now that the formalities have been addressed. I’m sure Michelle and David will breathe a sigh of relief when we’re gone. I’m willing to say Eli’s the main draw at this point. You also need to spend some time with your mother.”

“We.” TJ smirked before considering the things they’d discussed before their arrival. “Weren’t there some other people you wanted to see? That Corporal… Donaldson was it?”

“Yeah, I should visit some of my men. That would be graceless of me wouldn’t it? To disregard them on my visit.”

“You could do that while I’m with my mom, I guess.” TJ offered.

“You don’t want to come along?” Jack fought an old feeling of inadequacy, waiting for TJ’s answer.

“I would love to, I just…”

“TJ, my father outed me, it’s no secret. Even if it were, we came here in the same spirit we approached things at home, open and honest.”

“You guessed.” TJ looked surprised.

“I guessed because of the devastation you tried so hard to hide. We’re both still just this side of ok, aren’t we? I was worried you didn’t want to meet my old comrades and you were worried I wouldn’t want you to.”

“Shit, yeah, we’re still working on things.” TJ’s attempt to smile fell short, “So we’re sticking around a while longer then.”

“A couple of days.” Jack’s smile was warm and stayed put longer than TJ’s managed to. “It's been an emotional day, let’s take the next couple of hours for ourselves before the evening of dinner and music to just unwind, ok? Besides, I want to show you something.”


	42. Chapter 42

TJ looked suspiciously at Jack and followed him through the mansion and out the kitchen door to the gardens, different gardens than the courtyard they’d passed through earlier. TJ followed as Jack ducked through an overgrown area of fragrant green and led him to a secluded area with leaf-dusted benches. “I’m going to have to do something about this.” Jack said as he brushed the leaves and dust away. “This is my quiet spot. It’s not as secretive as I used to pretend it was, but it’s starting to look the way I would imagine it.”

“It’s…” TJ was about to say sad, picturing Jack alone and feeling like he needed to wall himself off from everyone, but he thought about how pretty it was and he could understand the need for a private place, especially to get away from judgment and expectations.

“It’s a mess.” Jack finished, “It wasn’t always. I haven’t been through that hedge in a long time.”

“I was torn between sad and beautiful, to be honest. I like it though.”

“Sad huh?” Jack took TJ’s hand, “How is spending time alone with me sad?”

“I didn’t say that, I was struck with the image of you alone in your thoughts, walled off and secluded. I know at times you probably craved exactly that, but then the other times, when your life did it for you…”

“It was never a sad place for me, not here TJ. As a kid, it was a safe haven, and when I was older, it was an escape. Now it can be a place I share with someone.”

“You never brought anyone here?”

“Michelle found me here occasionally, other than that; I think only the old gardener knew that it was used. The gardeners kept it neat and clean just as they did with the rest of the gardens, but the opening always seemed to grow over a little more.”

“Someone liked giving you a private place to escape.” TJ guessed, following Jack to the bench. “I can imagine what dreams you were dreaming, commanding armies, and ruling the country. Did you ever dream of doing anything else Jack?”

“I dreamed of bursting into my parents’ room and being welcomed into their big bed with open arms. I dreamed of kissing someone special without judgment. Of the two dreams to expect to come true, this one wasn’t the one.” Jack said as he pulled TJ’s hoodie strings tugging TJ close enough to kiss.

TJ pulled away from the kiss with a sad smile, “I’m sorry about the other dreams.”

“You have no reason to be sorry Kitten. I know what needs to be done. When we start our family, we will be the ones in the big bed welcoming our children with open arms and maybe a blush or two.”

TJ looked down at the leaf that blew over his shoe and tracked it as it skidded across the stone path before looking at Jack. “You…” he closed his eyes and opened them again, not sure what he was expecting, “you want a family? With me?”

“Yes, with you. I blame Eli, being around him has given me a lot to think about and you are the one person I want that with.”

“You do…” TJ couldn’t breathe, it was usually him making plans, and someone would eventually burst his bubble.

“TJ? Don’t you want the same thing? I mean we’re still just starting out, I know that but…”

“No… I mean yes, Jack. I do.” TJ stood and started pacing, “I do want that, and with you. I just… I didn’t think you would.”

“You didn’t think I would? I guess I haven’t given off the most positive…”

“Jack not you… because usually it’s me making plans for the future and getting my heart broken, I guess this time I stopped myself from making any future plans. We could definitely do this.”

“It could be sooner than later.” Jack was looking at his hands, at his shoes through his fingers, but not at TJ.

“What do you mean?” TJ knew by Jack’s posture that this was no longer the light discussion of kids jumping in the middle of parents on a lazy morning.

“Michelle just told me that Lucinda is expecting, and it’s very likely mine.” Jack wiped a tear away and TJ hurried to sit next to him.

“That’s not a bad thing, is it? I mean I understand the implications, she was keeping it from you even when you left, and _that’s_ bad. However, you could have a child? Eli could have a cousin?”

“I know all of that, but it could be so complicated.”

“You could have lost your child before you got a chance to know them. This is better. Everything we do is complicated.”

“TJ…”

“Jack, stop. If it’s too much for Janie, we’ll move but stay nearby. I’ll work on my music and help raise our child. It will be ours Jack. I’m going to stay clean, if that’s what you’re worrying about.”

“I didn’t even think of that, I know you will, you’re doing great TJ. You’ve even thought of things I hadn’t yet. Like Janie.” Jack sighed. “We’re going to have to move, there’s no way she could want a baby around, and there’s only the two rooms. We’re only a couple of weeks into this, into _us,_ what on earth are we thinking?”

“You’re apparently thinking about everything at once.” TJ put his hand on Jack’s shoulder, “First things first, is it yours? and what happens next?”

“Even before that I have to talk to her.”

“We do. Sure, we’re new to our relationship, but if she’s going to agree to you taking the child even half the time, she needs to know I’m part of the deal.”

“I don’t want to think about the other half of the time. What if it becomes an ugly custody battle? I’d lose.”

“Start with talking to her like an adult, go in there offering half. Ask for more but offer no less than half. Be agreeable. You’d be surprised what you can get when you’re agreeable Jack.”

Jack was glad TJ seemed to be accepting the situation, he wasn’t sure what he’d expected. TJ wasn’t bound to experience jealousy over something he wouldn’t be able to provide, maybe Jack was just too used to complications piling on top of other complications.

“You’re right. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I didn’t expect it. I’m just…”

TJ turned Jack to face him, “You’re overwhelmed. I’m a little overwhelmed myself. I didn’t realize when you were talking about kids that it might be imminent.”

“Will you be ok with all of this?” Jack could see something, some storm brewing behind TJ’s soft words. He wasn’t too far off the mark after all.

“I’ll have to be, we both will. Are we going to be able to go home?”

“Yes, this kid will be a New Yorker.” Jack smiled.

“Son of a musician and tactical expert for the Avengers. Heir to a throne.”

“Oh hell.” Jack grimaced, “Hell no.”

“You’re giving up your children’s future?”

“Only that one. Of course my refusal can be overruled.” Jack responded, he looked as pained as he sounded. “Let’s not bring that up any time soon, ok? You ready to head back?”

“Yeah, I’d like to rest a while before we have to dress for dinner. I won’t miss that when we go home.”

“That freedom has been particularly nice.” Jack linked arms with TJ and led him to the opening of the hedge.

As they made their way back, TJ’s pace slowed about a half-step behind Jack. He thought about the woman who had been both victim and to some extent abuser, if that was the right word. He could forgive Jack for everything he’d confessed to but he was having a hard time being as charitable toward Lucinda Wolfson.

Jack was certain the bomb he’d dropped had finally delivered the unforgivable blow. He allowed the distance between them to increase as they approached the house. Elaine was on the back porch when they arrived. Jack greeted her politely as he passed into the kitchen. TJ melted into her arms when she reached a hand out to him.

“TJ. What is it Tommy?” Her voice softened as he buried his face in her hair.

“I need someone to talk to.” He murmured, feeling all of ten years old at the moment.

She pulled away and took his hand, leading him to a nearby stone bench. “That’s what I’m here for. Did you two argue?”

“No. No – it’s really not even all that terrible and it’s not Jack at all. It’s me.”

“You? Tell me.” She wouldn’t jump to conclusions. Her son was actively seeking her out and expressing himself, this was one thing she wasn’t going to get wrong with him.

TJ felt better getting his worries off his chest, his mother’s initial shock at the announcement was to be expected, and her warmth as he confessed his confused feelings was welcome.

“TJ, it’s normal to feel that way. You were already invested in Jack’s side of things. Of course, you’d see her attempts to get him to fall in love with her as wrong, and because he did suffer because of those attempts, you’re on his side. Just remember that the child is the innocent in all of this. You haven’t met the girl, but when you do, just try to have an open mind, because no matter what the outcome, if that child is Jack’s you’ll probably be dealing with her as the mother of the child for years to come, so try to be open.”

“I’m impressed.” TJ said as he watched her. “You really do accept Jack and that we’re together. You said ‘years to come’.”

“I did. I’ve seen you two, watched you, and barring the chance that either of you will do something stupid, I can see you together for a long time.”

“So as long as neither of us winds up like our fathers we’ll be just fine.”

“I didn’t say that.” She tried to hide a smile.

“You didn’t have to.” TJ laid his head on her shoulder. “Thanks momma.”

Elaine took TJ’s hand between hers, “You’re determined to make me a grandmother.”

“It wasn’t planned, but yeah,” TJ smiled mischievously, “I really thought it would be Dougie and Anne. Then when Jack started talking about kids, it was so, it was dreamlike, until he told me about Lucinda. Do you think we have to worry about it not being his? I don’t know if I can take any more drama on top of this past month.”

“I don’t know, TJ. I don’t know the woman. It could be a ploy to get him back, but if she didn’t know he was coming and she went to Michelle for help, it would seem more likely to be true. Of course she could want help either way, but it’s easy to prove or disprove.”

“True, he said as much too.” TJ sighed. “Well, how about the stuff with Bucky? I hear you talked to Steve?”

“I did. I’ve also talked to some other contacts. I’m going to have to argue pretty hard, don’t say anything to him and for god’s sake don’t get caught around him, not until we can get this squared away, but I think we might be able to argue for “time served”. You did _not_ hear that from me, if you ever repeat it I’ll deny it until it becomes a fact.”

“Thanks.” TJ wrinkled his nose and smiled. “Do you think he’s got a good chance?”

“I hope so. Is this just because he’s your childhood hero?”

“No, it’s a lot of things starting with that. He got Jack out of danger, he helped rescue this country, Janie really likes him, he helped me, and he’s just a nice guy who was terrorized and victimized. I would like to say he’s my friend and that should be enough, but there’s so much more. You didn’t think there was something else?”

“I didn’t know what to think.” Elaine said bluntly, “I’ve stopped assuming things and it’s up to you to tell me.”

“Well, good.” TJ smirked, “I still want to spend a little time relaxing before dinner, so I should get upstairs. Thanks for taking the time to help me work through this baby thing.”

“Thanks for confiding in me, it means a lot TJ.”

“So does your patience. I love you Momma.”

“I love you too Tommy. I’ll see you at dinner. Don’t let Jack think you’re upset about the news, it might hurt his ego.”

“I’ll talk to him.” TJ kissed his mother on the cheek and left her to go find Jack.

* * *

“I’m sure he’ll be ok Jack, why would he be jealous?” Janie said over the phone.

“Because. I don’t know, he just seemed to start to take things badly, and I thought maybe he’d been happy.”

“Maybe he’s scared. If anyone is jealous, it’s me. I was going to give TJ his baby.” Janie said lightly.

“What? Scared of what and when did you discuss having a baby with TJ?”

“Frightened of change, you know little tiny people in a world where the big versions haven’t figured themselves out yet.” Janie said, as though it should be obvious, and of course, it should. “He and I discussed it months ago, we were both up late, tired and giggly, probably high on sugar and I told him I’d carry his baby if he ever decided to be a dad, so yeah, I’m jealous as hell.”

“Well, maybe he’s upset about that, you’d be a much better option if the two of us were able to plan this the way we should have been.”

“Hey, at least all that hard work wasn’t for nothing after all.” Janie laughed.

“Dammit Janie, I’m worried about TJ and you’re making jokes. You’re no help.” Jack tried to sound upset, but the laugh was thwarting his attempt.

“Don’t worry about TJ. He’ll work through it and he’ll talk to you. It’s a lot to absorb. I don’t even know how it will work, but we will figure it all out. You go and take care of the current drama. I’ll talk to you later sweetheart.”

“Thanks Janie. I miss you.”

“Miss you too Jack. Come home soon.”

Jack looked up to see TJ closing the door behind him as he ended the call. “Hey, everything ok?” he asked hesitantly.

“No and yeah.” TJ unzipped his hoodie and shrugged out of it. He walked over to where Jack was standing and put his forehead on Jack’s shoulder.

Jack scratched the back of TJ’s neck idly, waiting for whichever answer to blossom. “I know.”

“I’m conflicted.” TJ finally said. “Mom says it’s perfectly normal but I feel like a real jackass.”

“What about?” ‘Here it comes’, Jack thought. He tugged TJ toward the sofa and they sat next to each other.

“I don’t like the way I feel about this Lucinda Wolfson.” TJ said without looking at Jack. “I feel like an ass about it but I don’t know how to forgive her for her part in everything. Not like my forgiveness is even important in the grand scheme of things, it’s not like she wronged me. It’s easy enough to absolve you of everything you confessed to though and you didn’t do any of those things to me either.”

“You’re ok TJ. I understand, maybe your forgiveness means nothing to anyone but you, but to you it’s important. Would it help if I told you I forgive her? I understand her motivation. She was just taking her cues from me.”

“I don’t know. I suppose I’m just sensitive of the subject because it affected you. I haven’t even met her.”

“She’s sweet. Malleable. This made her a good target. I need you to do me a favor in all of this; please don’t let me browbeat her.” Jack looked at TJ with concern, “I have done enough to her. This has to be an agreeable settlement for both of us.”

“So much for what we talked about in the garden, your change of heart is very pure, Jack.”

“I can’t be anything like my father. I’ll be a part of my child’s life but I won’t walk all over anyone to get there.”

“I don’t think you’ll need me to check you, but I’ll be there just the same, and I promise, if I see any tendencies, I’ll say something.”

“Today has not gone the way I’d planned, nothing is as I expected it to be.” Jack rubbed the bridge of his nose between his finger and thumb.

“Well, I can admit I’d change a lot of things from today if I could. I’m not sure if this news is one of those things. Sure, it might pose a challenge, but it’s a challenge we can face together.”

“It’s his legacy.” Jack said quietly, sadly.

“No Jack. It’s yours. You make this _your_ legacy. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances were for the creation of this child, what matters is that there’s never a single day he or she doubts their fathers’ love.”

Jack looked up at TJ, smiled the smallest of smiles and brushed TJ’s jaw with his hand, “Thank you TJ. I needed that reminder. You’re right, it’s not him or me anymore. It’s you _and_ me and our child.”

“That’s a scary statement.” TJ smirked.

“It’s a very scary thought. But one I can get used to.” Jack leaned back against the sofa back. “Sit with me and let’s forget about it for a few minutes.”

“Yeah, I seem to recall something being said about your free time not being your own once you have kids, so we’d better take advantage of it.” TJ joked, settling next to Jack and slipping his arm over Jack’s shoulders, “So, how do we forget?”

“Funny. Ok, so we’ll just relax then.” Jack leaned his head back on TJ’s arm. “I want to start over. I want everything to be perfect.”

“But where do you start? Before we came here? Before you met me? Before, before, before? It’s a copout, you know that right?”

“I know TJ. I think you also understand what I mean.”

“You want everything to be perfectly timed. Meet me when you’re stable, date, and get to know each other not fall into bed and in love in the middle of desperation, plan, and execute the perfect family. Plans don’t always pay off, look at my parents, they didn’t cut it. Look at your father’s plans. They hurt you. I’ll take the insane whirlwind with you any day. Meet and get crazy, have more crazy and then let crazy have your baby.”

Jack cocked his head, his eyes wide, “TJ really?”

“I’m only kind of sorry. I need to vent somehow too Jack.”

“Janie’s jealous.”

“Oh god, Janie. We did have a pseudo plan. I think we both really loved the idea too.”

“Well we don’t have to stop at one, and I don’t have to father all of the children we’re going to love. We could still pretend we have a plan.” Jack said as he leaned back against TJ’s arm again. “I like pretending we have a plan.”

“It is a good plan, Janie is family.”

“Yup. And we love her, she loves us. It’s a good plan.” Jack smiled wistfully.

“What’s the likelihood it’s not yours?”

“Slim to none. If she was trying not to get pregnant to keep me there until I fell in love with her, she wouldn’t be fooling around, and she was as trapped as I was. Not only that, even if she was fooling around, guards, whatever, she’d be even more careful not to let it happen that way. Eventually she was going to have to get pregnant. It wouldn’t have been much longer and even the most naïve bastard on the planet would start to wonder.”

“Ok, you’re right. So this is real.” TJ sighed. “I thought things were moving fast before.”

“Are you having second thoughts about us?”

“No. Not at all. Just, I have to get my shit together Jack.”

“You are. You’re working toward your dream. You’ve accepted that it’s attainable and you’re going to get it.”

“It’s flighty and it’s a pipe dream.”

“If our child tells you they want to be a musician, would you tell them it’s a pipe dream?”

“No, but…”

“TJ, stop. It’s no different. Dreams aren’t limited by age.”

“It’s irresponsible to bring a child into a world where you can’t even manage to be an adult.”

“You’re working on that and in the meantime – just like before – I’m there for you. You are going to build your dream and show our child that it’s what a person does, no matter what obstacles are in front of them. If I had the same crisis, you’d be right there backing me up.”

“Ooh, what crisis Jack? Should I be king? Would my child look up to me if I were?”

“Chances are – no.” Jack said calmly, not taking TJ’s dramatic bait. “I would not be the role model I want to be. Stop being dramatic for a minute and think. What makes you happy? And don’t be a teenager and say that I do.”

“Well, sometimes you do. Music. Music makes me happy.”

“Why is it age specific?”

“Because I should have established myself in something by now.”

“You had a rough start, a lot of the right people didn’t come into your life until later. It happens. You’re going to do this. You have support from Janie and from me. Douglas seemed happy with your plans. I am willing to bet that anything you do that keeps you productive and healthy will make your mom proud. Our kid will just get to watch you make your mark, learn from your steps how it’s done.”

“You’re really not going to let me wallow are you?” TJ leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees.

“Nope. If I can’t, as the actual prospective father, you can’t as my boyfriend and potential future dad.”

“We’re going to be dads. We don’t have the best ‘dad’ role models.” TJ wiped his brow restlessly.

“No, but we have a laundry list of what **not to do**. We’ll do fine as long as we follow the list religiously.” Jack rubbed TJ’s back before leaning forward to look at him. “TJ you’re making my acceptance of this so much easier with your own self-consciousness.”

“I think you mean I’m making it all about me.” TJ gave Jack a watery smile.

“No, not at all, it is about you as well as me. In fact, as long as you still want to be with me through this, it affects you as much as it does me.”

“I want. I really do.”

“I know. I think that is why it’s hitting you so hard. You are so concerned about the child you’re going to give yourself an ulcer.”

“I’ll stop short of that, ok?” TJ promised.

“Good to know. So, what music do you think you’ll be treating us to tonight?”

“I should work on some lullabies.” TJ smirked.

“It’s not a terrible idea.” Jack agreed. “They’d be lovely, I think that second song you wrote is very close to a lullaby, actually.”

“You’re just humoring me now.”

“I am not, I wouldn’t do that about your career choice or about your desire to do right by our family. I’m going to make a call, you going to be ok?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to sit here and try not to fixate on any of this.” TJ yawned. “Dare I ask who you’re calling?”

“I’m going to have someone set up a meeting with Lucinda and make an appointment so we can meet the guys tomorrow after that.” Jack picked up TJ’s legs and directed him to lie on the sofa, surprised that with his current willful demeanor he complied.

“You think she’ll meet you tomorrow?” TJ asked as he covered his eyes with an arm.

“I’m sure she will.” Jack said quietly as he ran his fingers through TJ’s hair before walking away from the sofa.

They both knew TJ would fall asleep, but it didn’t stop TJ from waking up surprised when his alarm buzzed. He’d forgotten he’d set the alarm so that they would have some warning and be able to dress for dinner. Jack, who was sitting across from him reading, put his book down when he heard the alarm. “Time to get moving I presume?”

“Yeah, it would appear.” TJ sat up, yawning. “You let me fall asleep.”

“Yeah? It seemed obvious.” Jack smiled warmly, “You seemed tired before the baby news dropped and got your emotions all riled up.”

“I’m glad I’m so easy to read. So, let me have it. Were you successful?”

“I was. Tomorrow, before we leave, we’ll take about 45 minutes to talk with Lucinda downstairs. After that we head out for lunch.”

“Jack, does she know you’re with me or is it going to be an awkward “I thought we could get back together” meeting?”

“She knows you’ll be there, she also knows I’m with you. I won’t be responsible for any delusional expectations beyond that. _We’re_ meeting to talk about plans for the baby.”

“Ok, as long as she’s not walking in blind, any assumption she makes is on her.” TJ offered Jack a hand to get up from the chair. Jack took it, and once standing, pulled TJ close. He pressed a kiss on the side of TJ’s mouth and TJ tugged him closer with an arm around Jack’s waist and kissed Jack hard.

“I know Kitten.” Jack murmured against TJ’s jaw. “You’re so needy.”

“I’m not. I just like kissing you.” TJ lied.

“I know. You’re never needy.” Jack pulled away, only to be tugged back in TJ’s arms.

“I am so. It’s just that we made promises. I’m trying to be an adult.” TJ kissed Jack’s jaw and then his neck below his ear. “I’m trying.”

“After dinner and music, which you’ll enjoy, we’ll come back here and I’ll pamper you.”

“I should pamper you, it’s your homecoming, your hard day, your difficult news.” TJ argued.

“Haven’t we covered just how much I enjoy taking care of you TJ? Just how happy it makes me to watch you unwind.”

“I still don’t understand why.” TJ replied as he stepped away from Jack to move toward the bedroom. “I’m so demanding and difficult.”

“Oh yeah, you’re just a mess. All I have to do is ruffle your hair and rub your skin and you’re just like the kitten I always compare you to.” Jack followed. He stepped through the doorway and began to change, pulling his clothes from the valet stand nearest his side of the bed. He was pleased to see that there was a second one added for TJ’s use, and it was well appointed just as his was.

“Jesus, this is fancy even for me.” TJ smirked, seeing his clothes pressed and presented, complete with jewelry.

“When in Rome. Or Gilboa.” Jack shrugged. “It’s nice to take advantage of some of the finer things, but I still miss our room and the small space between the bed and the closet. I miss sharing that space and tripping over each other trying to find clothes to wear at the same time, all while not wanting to get dressed at all.”

“Well one out of the three isn’t any different.” TJ chuckled. “How long will you be happy living with Janie? She’s not ready for us to leave yet.”

“As long as three or four of us can fit in the same apartment.” Jack answered honestly. “I’m not ready either. Like I said, I miss the coziness of our home.”

They dressed quickly and headed down for dinner. Douglas was the first to say anything about the new addition, “So wasn’t it just this morning you were asking me how soon _we_ were going to make Mom a Grandmother TJ?”

“Yeah, I don’t know how to keep my mouth shut; It must run in the family.” TJ replied slanting a look at his mother for telling Douglas. “At least I know I can call you two to babysit, you won’t be busy raising your own.”

“No, we’ll be doing childless people things, like traveling, sleeping.” Douglas countered.

“Yeah, all overrated.” TJ smirked, gaining laughs from the parents in the room, and an extra-loud laugh from Eli, who just wanted to be part of things.

“We’ll have joy like that to make up for missed sleep and fewer travels.” Jack pointed out. “I’ll take joy any day.”

“Well said Jack, and none too soon either.” Michelle agreed. “It’s high time we all found our joy.”


	43. Chapter 43

The dinner party moved to the music room, David started the night off playing, breaking the ice so that TJ wouldn’t feel put on display, a gesture that was noticed by Jack for what it was, and it was deeply appreciated by both Jack and TJ.

TJ watched Jack walk to the edge of the room with David, as he sat at the piano to play one of the songs he’d written.

“I wanted to thank you for starting the night off, TJ loves what he does, but after the day we’ve had, he was feeling a bit unsure.”

“You’ve changed, Jack. I didn’t think it was entirely possible, I didn’t exactly believe Michelle when she insisted, but you really have. You’re the one who had the profound experience today as well as the life-changing, but you’re looking out for TJ’s feelings. You’re a different man.”

“What is your opinion of that man David?”

“Does my opinion bear weight?”

The pair exchanged a meaningful look before Jack said “You know it does.”

“Well, he could use a little reminder of manners," David nodded toward the piano, and took note of Jack's smile as he followed David's reasoning, "TJ’s performing. Other than that, I think I might like this new person.”

“I’m not new; I’m just embracing who I was meant to be. I’ll shut up now.” Jack smirked before walking away from David and toward the piano and TJ.

TJ watched his mother. He hadn’t played this song for her yet and he was nervous to do so. He wasn’t even certain why it was something that bothered him. He’d played for his grandmother and Douglas had been the first to hear it. He started strong in spite of his nerves and played through the song as he had edited and re-edited it in his head weeks before. In his opinion, this performance was even better than the last recording he’d made.

Elaine watched her son play a tune she’d never heard, she looked to Douglas who smiled, nodded and cocked a brow at her, this was one of TJ’s creations.

Jack sat next to his sister and Eli rolled off her lap and onto his in a comical toddler manner. He bounced on Jack’s leg until Jack took the hint and bounced him on his knee. Jack thought about nights long ago when he was Eli’s size and his father would toss him about at his demand. His sister joining in the roughhousing until she couldn’t any longer due to her health. He thought about the meeting tomorrow with the girl who promised him his own child, after both were condemned to create something he had vehemently rejected. Something he now longed for.

Michelle brushed her hand over Jack’s and he squeezed her fingers, “You’re worried about what we talked about.”

“I just don’t want to screw it up.”

“Then don’t.” She said softly. “You won’t.” She quickly amended.

David sat next to TJ at the piano as his song ended, and started playing a piece that TJ quickly recognized and caught up. They played the duet and TJ slipped from the bench as it ended, to let David play again. TJ sat next to his mom, and she took his hand and squeezed, “yours? It was beautiful TJ. Do you have more?”

“Two complete, one in progress and a little idea that struck me this afternoon.” TJ answered quietly. “Thanks.” He added, resting his head on her shoulder.

“You’ll make a very successful musician. Promise me you’ll stay safe.”

“I have every intention of doing so. I have a lot of extra motivation these days.”

“Motivators that can also cause stress, remember when you’re feeling stress…”

“Seek help.” TJ smiled.

“Yes. Babies are stressful, as are new relationships.”

“All relationships are.” TJ agreed.

“I’m trying Tommy. Can you take my words as simple advice?”

“Yes. I will.” TJ sat up and turned to face her on the sofa, calmly stating, “I’m surrounding myself with positive people who have nothing to do with drugs. I’m going to be starting a family, yes, I’ll need your advice, but I’ll need your support and trust more.”

Elaine took his hand and surveyed her son, his defensive posture where he’d just been sitting lazily against her, the determined set of his jaw, “I’m proud of the progress you’ve made. I hope I can impress upon you how proud. It’s been a hard couple of years between you and me and I’m sorry. You’ve made this progress and you’ve done it on your own terms, which is as it should be. I should never have made it more difficult for you.”

TJ checked the automatic response that nearly escaped, no; he wasn’t going to say ‘it’s ok.’  “Thank you Momma.”

“This might be a rough road, you make sure you have a backup if you need to talk, I wish I could be there for you more, but I still want you to call me if you need me.”

“I appreciate it. We’ll know more tomorrow, we might be able to gauge the road ahead.”

“Come find me if you need to talk. Otherwise, let me know what you find out as soon as you’re able.”

TJ took David’s place and played through the song he’d recently been piecing together, just to get it out in the open. He knew he had a lot of work to do on the piece but he took the opportunity to judge its reception in its roughest form. He forgot while he was playing that the audience at large wasn’t exactly nonmusical. David slipped next to him on the bench, “do you mind?” David replayed a bit of the piece and added something that TJ knew instantly had been missing.

“The man just earned a songwriting credit.” TJ smirked playing through, with David playing at his side.

“I’m sorry.” David offered as they finished, “I should be less forward.”

“Not at all, I might have been mulling that piece over for weeks not knowing what it was missing.”

“We might have just witnessed a new songwriting partnership.” Douglas injected.

Jack smiled at TJ when he looked his direction helplessly. TJ smiled back, seeing Eli draped over Jack’s lap and dozing. Jack was ruffling the boy’s curls tenderly. David looked to his wife, hoping for her to rescue him from a commitment.

“I think you’re right Douglas, at the very least TJ has found someone to bounce ideas off of, it’s a good thing the internet can keep them connected.” She smiled. “Music does make David happy.”

David crossed the space and picked up his sleeping son, “Nothing makes me happier than my family. I’ll gladly help TJ as an extension of that family, as long as none of my time with my immediate family is sacrificed. It’s time to put this little powerhouse to bed.”

“I’m going to tag along and call it a night. We’ll see everyone tomorrow.” Michelle kissed Jack’s cheek, “Tell me if you need anything tomorrow.”

Jack smiled and rose, hugging his sister before she could go, “Thank you, I’d like to just have you order her to just make things easy for everyone, but I’ll behave.”

“Good night Jack.” Michelle hugged TJ, “and good night TJ. Try not to worry.”

“I won’t.” TJ said definitively.

“Don’t let him, then.” She said conspiratorially.

. . .

TJ fell onto the bed when they got to their room; he was disheveled but still fully clothed. Jack walked through the bedroom door untying his tie, “Tonight wasn’t so bad, do you think you’ll work with David?”

TJ looked up at the ceiling, following the lines of the moldings around the vaulted ceiling. “Maybe. He has good instincts. I don’t want our siblings to rope him into something he doesn’t want to do though. I’ll proceed with caution.”

Jack sat on the bed next to TJ once he was stripped to his underwear. He didn’t care about the status of his clothes, discarded across the floor. He’d care in the morning. He touched TJ’s hip, sliding his fingers under the hem of TJ’s untucked shirt. “he seemed to be open to it.”

TJ closed his eyes when Jack’s fingers brushed the waistband of his pants, he put his arms behind his head and tried to focus on just the feeling of skin on skin.

He pushed the guilt aside that he felt for soaking up Jack’s attentions instead of lavishing Jack with his own. Jack _did_ like this almost as much as he liked TJ’s hands on his body. Jack wanted to do this and it would end in insulting him if he rebuffed him, _and_ it felt _so_ good.

Jack bit back a smile as TJ sighed under his fingers. He unbuttoned the silk shirt that was stretched just right over TJ’s belly. He would never convince TJ that he enjoyed treating him so tenderly. He felt good _giving_ , it was therapeutic to see the soft smile, to watch the tension slip away from the muscles in TJ’s jaw. They were both damaged, and somehow this ritual was knitting the wounds for both of them. Jack would never convince TJ of this, TJ would laugh.

Jack straddled TJ’s hips, placing all of his weight on his own knees; he pressed kisses along TJ’s clavicle as he bared it. He surprised TJ when he kissed his mouth, but the shock was gone as quickly as it came. TJ was a kisser, he could kiss in his sleep, Jack knew, because TJ had done so before. TJ met Jack’s lips with hunger that was beyond physical, an ache to belong, and to be loved had him devouring Jack’s kisses.

TJ moaned into Jack’s mouth as Jack’s hands pushed the silk shirt over his chest and it bound at his shoulders. He sat up slightly, not breaking the kiss, and removed the shirt by tugging the collar up and over his head. TJ flung the shirt away, and wrapped his arms around Jack’s waist.

Jack leaned back to look at TJ, _his_ TJ. He didn’t care that it had been less than a month, he didn’t care, TJ was a gift from whatever gods thought he deserved another chance. Joseph must have put in a good word for him and sent him TJ. TJ who bought flowers for Jack’s dead lover, and who was tearing himself apart with fear that he wouldn’t be a good parent to Jack’s child.

“I love you Kitten.” Jack said with all of his heart.

“I know baby.” TJ said, drunk on the love he could see and feel surrounding him. “I know. I love you too.”

“We can do anything.” Jack murmured into the sweet, warm skin on TJ’s neck.

“Yes. We can do anything. We make each other stronger, together, we can do anything.” TJ repeated, carding his fingers through Jack’s hair.

Jack fell to TJ’s side, sitting at his hip, and idly ran his hand over TJ’s abs. TJ watched Jack’s eyes close while he sat quietly. He loved the combined sensations of Jack’s leg pressed firmly along his side and the soft skin of Jack’s palm on his belly. TJ trailed his hand up Jack’s arm, tickling the tender skin on the underside. The sedate manner that Jack had employed was working to slow TJ’s always-speeding mind. His usual fidgety manner was replaced with a desire to be laid-back, and to linger as he stroked Jack’s skin.

TJ pulled his hand back down Jack’s arm slowly, until their fingers linked. He looked at the joined fingers, the differences as surprising as the similarities. He pulled his hand from Jack’s and watched as their fingers unlinked. “Lie back.” TJ said softly.

TJ rolled to his side and rose up onto his elbow, reaching out to touch the skin on Jack’s hip, just above the waistband of his underwear. His fingers then his palms slowly crossed over Jack’s hip bone and then hovered above his navel before gliding up to Jack’s chest. TJ moved slowly, sometimes forcing himself not to rush, but mostly he was caught up in the way his hands on Jack’s skin made Jack’s muscles move and made Jack’s breath catch.

TJ rested his hand over the thumping of Jack’s heart, warming the skin there and warming his own soul, “a good heart”, TJ whispered into Jack’s shoulder before he moved his mouth to cover Jack’s nipple. He kissed slowly, repeatedly, and licked the pebbled pinkness. He smiled as Jack’s breath evolved into a chuckle and then dissolved into a moan. TJ looked up at Jack, his lower lip _just_ grazing the tip of Jack’s nipple, “it is, you know.” He pressed his fingers against the thump-thump, “I can feel it.”

“Doctor Hammond.” Jack said with a breathless laugh, “I must commend you on your bedside manner.”

“What bedside?” TJ sat up while Jack watched his movements. TJ moved his hand from Jack’s heart to his nipple, gently drawing circles around it with his middle finger, “I’m _in_ the bed with you.”

Jack reached for TJ, settling his hand on TJ’s neck, rubbing residual tension with his thumb before pulling TJ to him, stretching to close the distance between their lips. “Still commendable.” Jack murmured into the kiss. He took TJ’s hand from his chest, matching their palms. “Still my turn.” He added, the words not _quite_ lost in the breaths of their kisses. He pushed against TJ’s hand lightly. “Lie. Back.”

“You’re a shit.” TJ smirked, his lips not leaving the skin of Jack’s cheek. “You’re determined to make his about me.”

“You’re making it about you, I wish you’d just let me do this, let me give, allow me to be generous and thoughtful of someone who isn’t me. Please, let me be selfless.” Jack implored.

TJ gripped Jack’s face between his hands and looked into his eyes, seeing desperation and love, “baby, it’s really that important?” he kissed Jack tenderly before lying back against the stack of pillows, “Anything for you sweetheart. You know you’ve been nothing but selfless with me, always.”

Jack groaned as TJ’s hand trailed down his throat, “You’re making it difficult.”

“I’m not trying to, you’re just a distraction.” TJ peppered the vibrations coming from Jack’s throat with open-mouthed kisses. “You can be selfless by letting me do what I’m thinking of doing.”

“I can? How will that benefit you, TJ?” Jack asked with a hint of laughter under the desire.

“What do you get from being selfless, Jack? Satisfaction is a benefit.” TJ’s teeth grazed Jack’s throat, “If I’m satisfied, there’s a benefit. If I can touch you,” TJ’s fingers and nails grazed Jack’s pec and nipple, causing a ripple under TJ’s fingertips, “and feel your skin and muscles respond, that’s satisfaction. Benefit.”

“You’re twisting things.” Jack grinned, “Your inner politician is showing.”

“You don’t play fair.” TJ said matter-of-factly as he tossed onto his stomach, smiling into the pillow in anticipation of his reward for admitting defeat. He did love Jack’s attentions. “If you insist, I could use a back rub.”

Jack kissed the outline of TJ’s shoulder blades one after the other. “I am happy to.”

TJ knew he would fall asleep, he always did under Jack’s massages. He tried not to this time, he let Jack’s fingers manipulate his muscles, and he thought about how he would return the favor, “Did you remember to set an alarm?”

“Yes, kitten.” Jack murmured behind TJ’s ear. He leaned over TJ, digging his fingers into TJ’s muscles then softly kissing the pinkened skin.

“Good, I don’t want to sleep through the most important meeting of our lives. Even if it is the least desirable meeting, and I can say that after attending so many kinds of meetings.”

“Yeah, I feel your pain. However, I can honestly say it won’t be the worst in my life.”

“I can almost imagine.” TJ said, looking over his shoulder. Jack looked distant, but he seemed to be finding peace through the motions of kneading TJ’s muscles. TJ mumbled, “I’m going to have to start going to the gym, I’m getting soft.”

Jack laughed, “You’re perfect.”

“I’m not, you have to say that.”

“I don’t _have_ to do anything. I love everything about you, you’re perfect.” Jack kissed the side of TJ’s mouth, “if you feel like you should go to the gym, then do. It’s probably good to start parenthood in top physical shape.”

“Yeah, you’d better go to.” TJ teased sleepily, laying his head back on the pillow.

“I’d better, you’re right.” Jack chuckled. He brushed the backs of his fingers over TJ’s cheek. “Go to sleep kitten.”


	44. Chapter 44

TJ felt the soft brush of Jack’s lips on his temple and hummed, offering a sleepy smile before he even opened his eyes. “Time to wake up, sleepy kitten.”

“You just told me to go to sleep.” TJ groaned.

“Hours ago baby. Alarm’s gone off, we have enough time to shower, unless you feel like sleeping a little longer, you still smell sweet.” Jack kissed TJ’s neck.

“You put me to sleep, I had a plan. I was going to give you a massage too, you always do that.”

“I’ve always been a master of manipulation.” Jack smirked.

TJ sat up and swung his legs over the bed, “I never took my damned pants off.”

“You were never going to give me a massage. You were just going to sleep, you fought valiantly though.” Jack said from behind TJ as he knelt against him on the bed, snaking his arms around TJ’s middle.

TJ put his hand over Jack’s, “Are you ok this morning?”

“I’m nervous.” Jack admitted, settling his chin on TJ’s shoulder, “stomach churning nervous.”

“So all this extra attention I’m getting is to distract you?” TJ tightened his hand over Jack’s.

“Mmhmm.”

TJ put his hand on Jack’s cheek, “You got this sweetheart, I’ll be right there with you.”

TJ stood up and turned to face Jack and Jack shifted to sit in the spot TJ had vacated. He slipped his arms right back around TJ’s waist, laying his head on TJ’s chest. TJ smiled over the top of Jack’s head. “I’ll be there through all of it Jack. You’re not alone.”

“No. I’m not.” Jack smiled, taking a deep breath to try to soothe his agitated stomach, “That is the promise I needed to hear.”

TJ scratched Jack’s scalp idly, he was nervous but it wasn’t anything compared to the nerves Jack must be processing. He could hear it in Jack’s voice. “Shower?”

“You sayin’ I stink?” Jack taunted.

“Yeah. You’re a smelly mess.” TJ lied, burying his face in Jack’s hair, “a complete mess.”

“I say you smell sweet and you call me smelly. I see how this relationship has eroded.” Jack kissed TJ’s bare chest lightly before standing, “Guess I had better shower. Don’t want to offend anyone more than I already have in my life.”

“Jack?” TJ followed Jack to the bathroom that was probably bigger than their bedroom at Janie’s. “Hey, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know, Kitten.” Jack turned to face TJ, he looked at the towel in his hand, “I know.”

TJ took the towel from Jack and set it down, “what’s wrong baby?”

“Nothing.” Jack looked away, “I mean, it’s just. I want to cancel today. Do I have to see these people?”

TJ gathered Jack in his arms, “If you mean, do we have to face the future? Then, yes. If you mean, ‘do I really want to visit with my friends?’ Then, no, you don’t have to, but you’ll wish you had once we’re back at home. Of course, you can try to reschedule with the guys, but you might have to do it in smaller groups. You said yourself getting them all together was harder than you’d thought.”

“You’re right.” Jack took a deep breath, “I am being impossible, sorry.”

“I’ve never been nervous _or_ scared, I don’t know _what_ you’re making a big deal about.” TJ said sarcastically.

“Hah, you’re funny.” Jack smiled in spite of his nerves. “Shower with me? We only have time for _just_ a shower though.”

“I can’t do that. I’m always horny and sex starved and I couldn’t possibly _just_ shower with you.” TJ continued his sarcasm as he unfastened his trousers and let them fall down his thighs and pool at his ankles.

“Didn’t say that.” Jack said lightly, watching as TJ stripped his boxer-briefs and stepped out of the puddle of fabric. “Didn’t think it either.”

TJ stepped into the stone shower under the shower-heads that came from every direction, tugging Jack inside with him with a hand on Jack’s waist. “No time to waste,” TJ smiled, kissing Jack’s neck as he reached behind Jack to change the water flow and temperature.

They wasted a little bit of time, lathering and kissing, rinsing, and touching each other, it couldn’t be helped, really. Jack let TJ pamper him since he’d made noises earlier about not being able to do so the night before. He knew that if he was late it would look shitty, but he was procrastinating the most pleasurable way he could imagine, short of having sex too, of course.

TJ realized he was taking longer than they had to indulge and finally grabbed Jack’s freshly washed and rinsed head and planted a harsh kiss on his mouth, “you’re done. Go get dressed, if I’m a few minutes late it’s ok. Hurry, I’ll be right behind you, once the soap is rinsed.”

Jack backed out of the shower, “You’d better be. I don’t want to do this alone.”

“You’re not, talk to me while you dry off and dress, or be quiet and do it.” TJ said lightly, “I’m right behind you baby.”

Jack smiled at the reprimand, and the endearment that followed. “Ok see me in a towel? I am scared TJ. I don’t want to be an asshole. Don’t let me be an asshole.”

TJ hurried his rinse and turned the water off. He grabbed the towel and draped it over his hips, securing it as he crossed the bathroom space. Feeling helpless at the sound of terror in Jack’s voice, he enveloped Jack in his arms.

“Come on sweetheart, you’re not going to be. You’re just going to be confronting a scared girl. Remember that, she knows what she did, as you know what you did. You’re both different than you were. Every day, if we’re trying to change anything, we’re different than we were the day before.”

Jack looked at TJ, and kissed the tip of his nose, where a bead of water had threatened to drop. “Thank you.” He sighed. He reached around TJ to grab another towel and draped it over TJ’s soaked and dripping head. “Come on, talk to me while you dry off or be quiet and do it.”

TJ snickered, hearing his words parroted back at him. “I’m doing it.” He watched Jack’s progression as he dried his own skin, he was still terrified, but he was sucking it up nicely. “You’re going to be great Jack. I’ll only be a few minutes behind. Just stick with the pleasantries, you’re a pro, you can do this.”

Jack worked to dry and style his hair after putting on a nicely fitted Henley. He remembered TJ picking it out on their shopping trip and his comment about how he deserved soft things. He was always used to soft things, but he’d never realized that deserving them wasn’t the same as feeling entitled to them. He preferred deserving something that felt as good as this.

He posed at the door as TJ was combing through his hair, “So, what do you think? Presentable?”

“Perfect.” TJ said after he turned to get a better look than the mirror reflected. “You feel good?”

“I feel like well-dressed shit.” Jack admitted.

“Is this just about the deal with Lucinda? Or are you afraid to meet your friends?”

“Maybe a little of both, and the ominous threat of walking out the door to unrepressed press.”

“We can handle that above all of the challenges. Go, I’ll be right down. You’re perfect, this is going to be perfect. You’re gonna be a dad…” TJ smiled, picking up the hair dryer.

“We’re gonna be dads.” Jack said as he turned on his heel. “We’re gonna do great things TJ… if I survive today.”

TJ smiled as the door to the room closed behind Jack. He hurried and finished getting ready so he could be there to support Jack and to get answers first hand.

* * *

Jack entered the room having been informed that Ms. Wolfson had been seated only a moment ago. He looked around the room. It seemed much larger without his family there and felt much colder without TJ there.

“Lucinda,” he said in a voice that made him cringe inside, “Thank you for coming on such short notice.”

“Jack.” She looked at him briefly before looking back down at her hands. He sat next to her, opting to avoid saying anything like ‘no please don’t stand on my account’ because that would be very “Prince Jack” of him, of course, at his worst.

“Hi, so I left before things started getting good, huh?” He tried to smile.

“I’m sorry Jack. I shouldn’t have, but.”

“I know. Maybe I shouldn’t have run, but I don’t exactly regret it. You understand it really never would have worked right?”

“Yes, I… I’ve had some time to think, and I really am jealous of you.” Lucinda looked up at jack and sighed.

Jack couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of him, “I’m sorry, that was rude, of what _exactly_ are you jealous?”

“I just want to go somewhere and start over.” She said to her hands.

TJ walked in to see Jack cover her hands with one of his. “Where would you go? What about the child?”

“Nobody wants this child.” She looked up at Jack with pain in her eyes.

TJ rounded the sofa and crouched at her other side, “Ms. Wolfson, I’m TJ. I want you to know that is not true.”

She looked up at TJ and blinked, and blinked again, and then she laughed quietly. “It’s funny right? Jack? You do realize how funny it is.”

TJ saw a spark that warned him, he knew the words wouldn’t be kind, but he hoped Jack would take it well.

“What’s funny?” Jack asked, worried about the change in her demeanor, if she insulted TJ he would have a hard time controlling himself.

“It’s funny that you’d fall in love with someone who looks just like you, how narcissistic are you?”

Jack laughed. It was an actual sound of humor, “You’re surprised?”

TJ stood up and walked away, looking out the window, leave it to Jack to find that amusing. Lucinda stopped laughing and looked at TJ’s back, “I’m sorry TJ. After you were so kind to me.”

TJ turned and linked his hands behind his back, “He’s not hurt by it, you don’t owe me any apologies. It’s not true that nobody wants the child, Jack has been thinking about it in very realistic terms since he heard.”

She looked at Jack curiously, “You have?”

“You have to know, what TJ hasn’t mentioned, is that I’ve been thinking of raising the child with TJ, in New York. That’s where I’ve started over.” Jack said, rubbing his hands over the knees of his jeans. “If we can work out an acceptable arrangement, nobody would have to get their hands dirty.”

“You asked where I’d go? I’d go to Paris. There are a lot of opportunities I passed up on that I’d like to explore now.”

Jack was grateful she didn’t finish the sentence as he expected she’d like to, now that her dreams of being queen, of being his love, of a life with him, were dead. He was especially grateful she didn’t say ‘but I can’t, being shackled to a kid’.

“You’re intent on giving up the child then?”

“I am. I know Michelle expects me to change my mind, she said as much. She loves Eli, but she always loved Eli. I don’t think she was ever as prepared as she says she was.”

“Would you be open to allowing TJ and me to take the child?” Jack asked, almost reverently.

“You’re asking? Actually considering giving me a choice?”

“I don’t want it to end up in court. I want you to agree and save all three of us a lot of pain, inconvenience, and time. That’s as much of a choice as I can offer you, the easy way or the way none of us really wants to go.”

“What about what I want?”

“You’re free to pursue it. With as many or as few visits as you wish.”

TJ watched the two, he knew jack wasn’t that naïve, but he had to say something, “I don’t think that’s exactly what she’s asking Jack.”

“No, I didn’t think so.” Jack said to TJ before turning to face Lucinda, “I won’t buy our child from you. I’ll see that you’re comfortable throughout the pregnancy. I’m a decent guy, I’ll even spring for an after-baby wardrobe, but I won’t purchase a human being. I’m not my parents.”

TJ turned back to look at the gardens through the window as the silent showdown made the room painfully quiet.

After what felt far too long, he crossed back to the sofa and stood next to Jack, settling a hand on his shoulder, looking at the design on the sofa cushion that separated the two. He was going to show a united front but he was trying very hard not to appear as though he was trying to tower over her.

“Your family terrorized us both by locking us up together with this goal in mind.” She gestured her rounded belly, “I’ll admit I made it worse by trying to force you to love me, but I’m not going to continue to live by that model, it didn’t work for them, and it didn’t work for me. How will you give this child a better life than someone else would? I don’t want to raise a child right now, that doesn’t mean I want him or her to be a pawn for you in whatever strategy you have cooked up.”

“I’ll tell you my strategy, and then maybe you’ll reconsider. My half-baked plan, because I only learned of this thing you’ve known about for what, months? Well done hiding it from me, can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing. My ill-conceived plot involves raising a child to love openly. Taking him or her to the park, the zoo, live music, and theatre shows, and loving them. If I wanted the throne, all I’d have to do is tell my sister, but after being asked repeatedly, I’ve told her that won’t happen.

“When asked if I wanted my child to be in line for the throne, you might be surprised to hear that I said it would never happen. I don’t want to pour salt on any wounds, but I need you to know,” Jack put his hand on TJ’s hand where it still rested on his shoulder. “I’m in love with TJ and we discussed raising this child with consideration to whatever stipulations you would add, because you are the mother. If you give the child up for adoption, please save me the trouble of a custody battle and give it up to us.”

TJ stepped to the chair opposite the sofa when he felt Jack’s shoulder settle after his argument. “Ms. Wolfson? I’m not perfect either, I’m a recovering addict and alcoholic, I’ve been clean just short of two years and my parents don’t exactly fit the mold for parent of the year either, but they did teach me love, respect, and humility. I hope you don’t feel put on trial here.

“You are nurturing the future, an opportunity for better than what came before. Jack’s not lying when he says you could visit any time. I want you to embrace whatever dream you have for your future, because that’s what we’re doing. There was a real darkness that you were forced to endure, it’s time for you to seek your own happiness. If that means walking away from the whole of your past, I get it. But it could also mean you don’t have to close all of the doors.

“We could send updates any time you’d like, and we would invite you to come and see for yourself. If that’s not something you’re interested in, fine, but you have time to make a decision.”

“Jack, call your lawyers.” Lucinda said quietly.

All Jack could imagine was a custody battle, he didn’t think there could be any other reason for a comment like that, because he wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Set up an appointment and let’s sign whatever I need to sign.” She looked tired to TJ, he was convinced she’d like a nap, “You answered my questions, my concerns, and TJ added some good arguments as well.”

“You? You mean?” Jack was sure he’d lost that thing that takes words from your brain and puts them in your mouth, because he was positive there were an effusive thank you and an eloquent question supposed to come out, not three confused words.

“Have whatever legal custody and/or adoption papers drawn up, let’s get things started. I wouldn’t be opposed to some updates though.” She said with a small smile in TJ’s direction.

“Lucinda,” Jack reached a hand to hers on the sofa cushion, “You weren’t hurt, nobody harmed you after I escaped, did they?”

“Not physically, they were pretty intent on accusing me of helping you. They couldn’t prove anything but they wanted me to confess, even if I wasn’t guilty. I kept the secret then too, because I didn’t want them to keep me locked away. The boy in the hallway… the guard when you left, he said he’d helped you, he made up some story about concocting a plan to help you get out. Made a show of saying he’d hoped you’d take him with you, and we were both let go, well he was exiled but he had told me he knew where he would go, he wanted out.”

“Didn’t we all?” Jack sighed, noticing her tears, he walked to the table opposite them and brought a tissue box back, setting it between them. He frowned as he took his seat back, thinking how horrified his mother would be with a box sitting out like that. He’d seen Michelle go to it several times chasing after Eli though and he smiled. A cardboard box of paper tissues, in the main parlor of the mansion, was probably the best sign of a positive change he could imagine.

Lucinda took a tissue and dabbed at her tears, and watched the frown morph to a smile on Jack’s face, not the public smile she’d always seen, something warmer. “You’re amused by my distress?”

“Not at all, the tissues reminded me of Eli. Thoughts of him always make me smile. I’m sorry I caused you any more distress. I used you, and I’m sorry for that too. You’re so much better off without me. You can find someone who will return your affections, someone who would rather die than stray from you.”

“I understand now, you were under a lot of pressure, to do and be something you weren’t. I get it, and I’m glad you’ve found that too. Let me know when to meet you and your lawyers. I’m going to let you get on with your day. Thank you for your kindness Jack; and TJ, thank you for yours, you were never required to extend any my direction.”

“Well, I was raised better than to just do as required. If you need anything, anyone to talk to, please reach out. What you went through must be very difficult to put behind you.”

“I’m doing ok with that, actually. It was tough at first. This was stressful.” She offered a watery smile as she rose. TJ offered her his hand.

“It was nice to meet you. You’re not even remotely as impossible to forgive as I’d imagined.” TJ chuckled at her shocked look and raised eyebrow, “I’m afraid I was very much on Jack’s _side_ and thought you were terrible. He never spoke ill of you, other than suspecting you’d been deceiving him. I was entirely too childish, making snap judgments. I’d like to apologize.”

“You’re forgiven, Mister Hammond. You teach this child that kind of honesty and he might grow up to be part of that better future you mention.”

“He?” Jack asked as he stepped up to offer to escort her to the door, “is that a generic ‘he’ or is it really ‘ _he’_?”

TJ touched Jack’s back, his fingers were a little shaky, but he was trying to offer comfort too. Jack backed up into TJ’s touch seeking the contact.

“ _He’s_ growing well, healthy and active. You have roughly fourteen weeks left of sleeping nights. I know this because I have roughly fourteen weeks left before I _can_ sleep at night again.” She offered him a genuine smile, “I’ll be happy to provide updates until the time comes. I was thinking of going to Paris between now and then, but I might be persuaded to spend my final weeks in New York, my aunt has a place there that I could use. It would make taking him home easier on you, and I would return to Paris as soon as I was cleared.”

“I’d be happy to secure your travel, if you let me know when you’re planning to. I’m grateful you’d even consider it let alone suggest it so openly.” Jack was tamping down feelings of excitement and trying to convey his happiness without going overboard, “You’re being much more charitable to me than I’d expected, more than I probably deserve.”

“No, I’m not being charitable Jack.” She laid her hand on Jack’s arm in comfort, “I’m just being me, a good person. I want to do this because it’s clear you are not the man I thought I loved, you’re a different man. You’re a better man and if I weren’t painfully _not_ your type, I’d fall in love with you all over again. TJ is a lucky man.”

“TJ knows that.” TJ smiled at Lucinda.

“Jack’s a luckier one.” She told TJ with an elegant smile.

“Jack is painfully aware of how lucky he is.” Jack said, “I’ll show you out. We’re here three more days; I’ll try to get the paperwork together by then. If that doesn’t work out, we’ll have the papers sent to you, please keep me updated on where you are and if you need anything.”

TJ watched the pair walk to the foyer, he thought they made a striking pair, he knew the child would be incredibly beautiful. He felt relief for Jack and of course for himself. It could have gone worse, she was testing them, mostly she was testing Jack, and he was sincere. He hoped she knew how sincere Jack’s answers truly were.

“You were perfect.” TJ said when Jack turned back.

“You were. You were kind to her but you were brutally honest.” Jack replied with pride.

“I have a complaint though.”

Jack scowled and looked at TJ, as if he was searching to find the complaint written on TJ’s face, when that wasn’t forthcoming he asked, “Yes? That would be?”

“I wanted it to be a girl.” TJ said as he slung an arm over Jack’s shoulders.

“Liar, you didn’t care either way.”

“True, I just care that this continues to go off without a hitch, that would be really ideal and it would be a mark in our favor. Meetings, lately tend to bite me in the ass, so maybe because it’s you, things’ll be ok.”

“It went perfectly and the agreement will stick.” Jack chuckled, the relief from the outcome was still making him high. He tugged TJ closer with his arm around TJ’s waist.

“The timing of the thing didn’t even go over; you won’t be late for the next thing.” TJ said.

“’You’? You mean ‘we’, right?”

“I mean ‘we’.” TJ nodded, turning in front of Jack, stopping them at the door. He held his arms out and Jack melted into them, “You’re stuck with me Jack. War buddies, exes, babies, I’m going to suffer them all because you’re stuck with me.”

“You know, I’ll never understand how you know when I need this. I’ll never understand how I won the lottery.”

“You’re playing the wrong lottery if I’m the prize sweetheart.” TJ chuckled. He looked out the glass pane in the door, and saw press people milling about, “They’re here, just since she left?”

“Sorry, forgot to warn you, we’re on.”

“Ok,” TJ huffed, “let’s do this. I’ll keep my mouth shut. Just slug me to remind me, huh?”

“Same.” Jack smiled a big smile at TJ and winked. TJ saw the second the smile was no longer for him, but for everyone else, and smiled himself.

They stepped out, one after the other, half a step apart until jibes posed as questions stopped Jack’s purposeful stride. TJ stopped next to him and put his hand through Jack’s arm. “If you’ll excuse us,” TJ squeezed Jack’s arm in apology for forgetting his ‘keeping his mouth shut’ promise, “We’re off to meet up with friends. Have a nice day.”

The smile TJ left them with was for Jack alone, but he figured it would still photograph well. Their clamoring questions followed them and once they were inside the car TJ asked, “Did you send her through that sea of sharks alone?”

“No, there was a guard with her. I’m not heartless, and I promise you I will protect that child.”

“Mean, prickly bastards. Good to see they’re not just an American menace.” TJ frowned, “You still ok with all of this? Did you freeze back there?”

“No. I gave them what they wanted. They wanted pictures of us. I _was_ biting my tongue though.”

“Yeah, I noticed it was quiet which is why I spoke up. Sorry if I ruined your runway moment.” TJ said in a mock grumpy tone.

Jack laughed and leaned his head on TJ’s shoulder, “You’re adorable, kitten.”

“Fuck you.” TJ spat, but he was smiling, as he rested his cheek on Jack’s head, “love you.” He added softly.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not an apology, just a warning... this one went long. And there's blood and fighting mentioned.

They rode the elevator quietly to the top floor of the high rise. TJ had his hand on Jack’s waist, rubbing his thumb along the small of his back. He was nervous, he wondered if Jack was too.

Jack breathed slowly, carefully, matching the rhythm to the strokes of TJ’s thumb over the soft cotton shirt. He wanted to bolt. He had no idea how his men felt about him after all was said and done.

When the doors opened to the restaurant, TJ stepped forward and turned to look at Jack. “You ready for this? It looks like we might be early, we could go to the roof for a smoke?”

Jack looked from TJ to the spot behind him, where the restaurant had the VIP area cordoned off. He thought about it and tugged TJ back into the elevator by the collar of his shirt. “Share one smoke, then we come back down.”

The ride to the roof wasn’t any different from their previous ascent, Jack still held TJ’s shirt and they exchanged silent glances. Out on the roof, TJ fumbled to light the cigarette, until Jack’s hand gripped his, “You’re going to be fine, you’ll be a hit…”

“Don’t say Kitten. Just – not here.”

“Of course not,” Jack offered TJ a sideways smile, “Kitten.”

TJ gripped Jack’s neck with his free hand and kissed him roughly, “I said don’t.”

“I know, I won’t when it counts.” Jack grinned taking the cigarette and lighter, “Here, let me do this.”

“You’re an ass.” TJ finally let out the sigh he’d been resisting. “I know they’re going to hate everything about me.”

“That’s shit. You’re a better man than I am; you’re almost as lovely as golden boy David Shepherd.” Jack puffed smoke around the cigarette in his mouth. He took the smoke from his lips and put it to TJ’s before TJ could reply.

TJ savored the cigarette, biting back any retort that came to mind. They shared the rest of the cigarette in silence, brushing hands every time they traded. TJ took the last drag and stubbed out the smoke. He flicked it into the can by the door on the way back in to the elevator.

Surveying the layout of the area their luncheon was to take place, Jack saw that they had combined tables to make an island in the middle of the dining space. Crystal and silver sparkled, on top of crisp white tablecloths, and the whole thing looked terrible to Jack.

He turned around and looked at the view out over Shiloh with slouched shoulders. TJ waited for whatever mood just struck to pass, but when it didn’t look like it would, he stepped up next to Jack and put his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Hey, everything looks fine, what’s wrong?”

“It’s horrible. Something needs to change. It’s, it’s just wrong.”

“The table? Did you want it separated?”

Jack sighed, “I want it different.”

“You’re being difficult.” TJ said quietly, “What can we have them change that will make you happy?”

“It looks too… too formal.” Jack wasn’t sure if that was the issue, but it was the best that came to mind, his stomach was churning, and the light twinkling off all of the crystal was giving him a headache.

“Are you concerned your friends will think you’re posturing?” TJ didn’t wait for an answer, he approached the young lady who was organizing the table, “Excuse me? I’m afraid there’s too much formality, we don’t want to make the guests feel inadequate, would it be ok if we use some of your barware and lose the tablecloths? Maybe replace the stems with tumblers? I’ll gladly help exchange the glassware.”

“Oh, no sir, you don’t have to do that, I’ll get it taken care of. I’m sorry, we didn’t mean any offense.”

“No, no offense. Not at all. It’s just going to be a bunch of guys, if you’re sure it’s ok?”

She smiled and recruited the bus boys to help replace the table setting. TJ caught her eye again and handed her some cash, “for your trouble.”

TJ rejoined Jack at the window and saw a couple of cars at the entrance, “so, they’re arriving. Are you ok?”

Jack turned and saw the bare wood table tops and the stout rocks glasses and put his arms around TJ, “Thank you.” He said, blinking tears that fell onto TJ’s shoulder.

“I’m not sure what button got pushed, but you’re welcome for my desperate attempt to diffuse whatever it triggered. I love you and it would be easier for me to fix things if you’d talk to me.”

“I know. I just… thank you.”

“You’re welcome. How do we proceed? Do I need to hurry to the other side of the room?”

“Fuck you.” Jack said without malice, “Don’t you dare abandon me.”

TJ smiled and followed Jack’s lead, keeping his hand on the small of Jack’s back. Jack greeted the guests with smiles and humor, introducing TJ right off as his boyfriend. TJ saw the telltale signs of discomfort in some, and gave credit for the way they checked their internal voice and continued to laugh and joke with Jack.

So maybe they had been hoping the rumors were false, at the end of the day, they accepted Jack. After getting to spend several hours with TJ, he guessed everyone was pretty ok with him hanging around too. There were drinks served and copious amounts of food consumed. Everyone tried to buy Jack a drink and after politely refusing several, Jack said, “No thanks guys. I’ve quit drinking, no drugs either. I got too dependent on them.”

“What he’s not saying,” TJ said with as much calm as he could, “is that he’s being a good sport because his boyfriend is a recovering addict and alcoholic.”

Jack covered TJ’s hand, “What I wasn’t saying,” he corrected TJ in a level voice, “is that I am an alcoholic. While I’m grateful for TJ’s influence, it’s our friend Janie back in New York who helped me realize it.”

TJ’s mouth dropped and he looked at Jack and then away, noticing the considering looks of some and the nervous looks of others. “Your guests don’t know how to proceed.” He said quietly. “Not that I’m sure how to process that information.”

“Please, don’t let my announcement change anything, the bar’s still open. I’m happy with my choice of beverage.”

Things pretty much reset to the level from before, TJ noticed. He was curious just how happy Jack was with his choice, because he, himself, wanted a scotch.

The craving sent TJ from his chair and out the door. He chalked it up to nerves from the week and especially from the day, not so much the alcohol being consumed. He wanted to work through this on his own, no, not that, but he didn’t want Jack to fix it. He loved Jack but he was getting too dependent on him. TJ fidgeted all the way down on the elevator. As soon as he was out on the sidewalk, he pulled out his phone and texted Janie.

TJ text: “Hey Janes. Could use a little help.”

TJ text: “BTW how are you? (sorry that should have been first)”

Janie text: “Never has to be if you’re in trouble TJ. I’m fine, what’s wrong.”

TJ text: “I don’t know, everything? Nothing?

Janie text: “Do you need to talk?”

TJ text: “Not urgent, but can I call?”

Janie text: “You can always call me dork.”

TJ text: “Thanks, dork.”

TJ switched to the phone, “Hi dork.”

“Sounds like you’re ok to me.” She said and he was sure he could hear her smile.

“I am.” He admitted, “Now. I just fled an ok lunch with some of Jack’s military buddies. Did you know Jack considered himself an alcoholic?”

“I knew he _probably_ was, but I didn’t know he’d admitted it yet. He’s been pretty respectable about not drinking, even when he took me to dinner. All I know is he was more concerned about running into problems before this trip.  Did something happen?”

“He just stood up in the middle of lunch and schooled me on calling him out.”

“Oh jesus TJ. What did you do?”

“I might have passive-aggressively called him out on not drinking around me.”

“You might have done so? Or it might have been passive-aggressive behavior?”

“Both? I sat there and told them the reason that he wasn’t taking the drinks they were trying to buy was because I’m a recovering addict. But I did say it pleasantly.”

“You’re such an ass. You insensitive ass.” TJ knew she was pacing now, “You know as well as I do he attended that meeting with curiosity and concern. You might have been preoccupied with your own stuff but surely you remember he said he didn’t know?”

“Janie, you’re yelling.”

“Of course I am! You’re jealous because Jack has a substance abuse problem?”

“I’m jealous that he told you and not me.” TJ said; hurt making his voice louder than intended.

“He didn’t tell me you fool. I listened to what he didn’t say. I _listened_. He didn’t admit to a problem, didn’t you hear me? He told you he was afraid of what he’d do on this trip, what did you think he meant?”

“God, I am an ass.”

“Are we finally on the same page?” Janie said as calmly as she could manage. “Are you ok?”

“I’m a selfish ass and all I want is a scotch, or worse. No, I’m not ok.”

“Sit down.”

TJ sat on the curb, “Ok. Sitting.”

“Breathe.”

TJ took a deep breath.

“Again.”

He repeated and followed her instructions.

“Ok, one more sweetie.” Janie encouraged

“Janie, where would I be without you?” TJ asked sadly.

“You’d be in a world of hurt.” Janie repeated for what she was sure was the thousandth time, not exactly teasing, “What’s the latest?”

“We’re going to have a baby. Fourteen weeks. A boy. Full-time parents.” TJ said quickly.

“How do you feel about that?”

“Terrified, but excited.”

“How’s the terrified part treating you?”

“I wish it was you. I don’t mind her as much as I thought I would. That has nothing to do with being terrified. I can’t get through a simple lunch without melting down. That’s who is going to be a fulltime parent.” TJ answered with despair.

“You’re so wrong. It’s not a simple lunch, you're far away from home, meeting a bunch of people who might or might not have accepted you and your relationship, after coming from a meeting with the mother of his child. That’s a little stress on top of some more stress, that’s a Steve Rogers Dagwood sandwich of stress! Of course, you’d want something to wash that down with. I’m proud of you for keeping it just water or soda. TJ you’ve got to keep things in proper perspective.”

“You’re right, thanks Janes.”

“Don’t just tell me I’m right, you did hear what I said, right?”

“Yup, Nice analogy, by the way.” TJ smiled. “I like the visual.”

“Are you ok to go back in to Jack and the rest?”

“I think so.”

“Good, are you ok to accept Jack for what he’s admitted to himself and to you?”

“and about a dozen other people.”

“You probably forced the moment. You should watch your level of judgment on that piece of the puzzle sweetheart. Are you going to be able to accept that Jack owns this? Jack is an alcoholic; he’s going to need your support.”

“I know. You’re right about everything. I’m being a jackass.”

“You can be a jackass with me any time, but you gotta be supportive. I know you love him, will this change things?”

“GOD NO!” TJ was finally moved to answer. “No. What? I couldn’t after… No.”

“Ok baby. Go back inside, give him a kiss from me and two from you. I’m very proud of both of you.”

“Even the jackass?”

“Especially him, he’s come a long way.”

“Thanks Janes.”

“You’re welcome TJ. Don’t have any scotch, kay?”

“I won’t. I promise.”

Jack was looking for TJ by the time he returned. He hadn’t expected any kind of response from TJ with his admission, but when TJ had disappeared, he couldn’t help but feel rejection. It rankled and it pushed at his buttons. He nearly swiped one of the drinks on the table, but after such a show, he thought he’d just wait until he was alone. As the feeling passed, the destructive thought became easier to dismiss.

Jack saw TJ come in through the arch that separated the rooms, and he moved to, to what? To block his entrance, that was what he felt he was doing. Jack stepped aside, but touched TJ’s arm “can I talk to you?”

TJ ducked back through the arch following Jack, “What’s wrong baby?”

“You're that upset with me, you have to walk away?” Jack’s eyes were flooded and wide.

“No, no… I was walking away from… god I wanted a scotch.”

The sound of pure devastation broke Jack’s hurt and anger, “I’m sorry. I thought it was what I said.”

“I had a selfish moment over that too, a very selfish and stupid moment. I’ll tell you all about everything on the way back, we don’t have to do it here, do we?”

“No, of course not.”

“I’m proud of you, Jack.” TJ said earnestly. “I really am, that takes a lot of courage, and you didn’t do it in a meeting of people who ‘get it’ you did it in front of friends. That was, I’m so sorry Jack. I’ve been so self-absorbed, I didn’t even realize.”

“I didn’t exactly follow any rules. I didn’t let you in on my discovery, or correct you every time you rode me about not drinking. I could have. I should have.”

“You don’t have to, I need to support you when you do say it, and I wasn’t supportive. God, Janie’s right, I’m such an ass.”

“You are.” Jack smiled tenderly and took TJ’s hand in his. “You’re allowed to be human. Come, let’s get back to the group, we’ll leave soon. We can skip dinner, reschedule with your mom, if you can’t connect here, you do live in the same country.”

“We won’t have to socialize any more after this? Can we get away with that?”

“Yes. I’ll see to it and it’ll be just you and me. If you’re hungry tonight after all of this, we can call the kitchen and have something sent up, or we can raid the kitchen in the middle of the night. You in?”

“Yeah, I really am sorry Jack. I was selfish.”

“Yeah, we have that in common. I wanted you to applaud me, maybe not literally, but maybe?” Jack confessed and teased.

“Ok, the sooner we get back, the sooner we can leave, right?”

“Yes.” Jack tugged on the hand he still held, “let’s get this over with.”

They rejoined the group and TJ made his excuses, “Just because I quit doesn’t mean I didn’t want something. Called my sponsor.”

“Does that really work?” one of the boys asked.

“Yup. Janie has dragged my ass out of the fire more than once, and will again, I’m sure.” TJ was proud to confess.

“You have one, Jack?” the same guy asked.

“Not officially I don’t, although, Janie’s been a real cheerleader. I don’t know if she wants to deal with both of us.” Jack said, honestly. “I’d choose her in a heartbeat though. She is amazing.”

“So how do you choose?”

“I’d say you have to really trust that they have your back, want you to succeed. If you can’t trust them, you’re probably going to be back in trouble before too long. It depends on what you need from them and if they can deal with 24/7 phone calls and texts. Janie simply _told me_ she was my sponsor.” TJ laughed, “I ran with it because I didn’t have anyone else, but I liked her. It worked out in my favor that I trusted her initial command.”

“You call her any time?”

“I live with her now, but yeah, for the last year or so, if it was pretty bad, it warranted a text, if it was urgent I called. You have to call before you cave though. You have to admit to yourself that you want to stay clean more than you need your pride, because you’re crawling across glass making that call.”

Jack watched the other men; some were straining not to hassle the youngest of the group, probably out of respect for TJ, maybe for himself. He hated to think about the derision he might face after they were gone.

“If you know someone who you think would like to talk about it more, we’re here for three more days, or you could pass my number along to them.” Jack said, partially to end the conversation at hand and part because he hoped it would put the issue to rest behind the scenes.

“I appreciate it, sir.”

“Jack, Christian. Please call me Jack.”

“Yes sir, uh, thank you Jack.” Christian said quietly.

 As the men filtered out after their food was all eaten, and stories swapped, Jack put a hand on Donaldson’s arm, “Erik, we haven't had a chance to talk, may I have a moment?”

“Sir? Yes sir.”

“That will do.” Jack said, exasperated then smiled, “I’m Jack, dispensed of my rank and title.”

“That wasn’t a fair punishment, sir.”

“I appreciate your loyalty, please don’t say sir any more. I’d like to be on a first name basis. You did a great thing, a very brave thing Erik. I trust you’ve been compensated?”

“I was only doing my job…” Erik paused, catching himself, “Jack, I was only doing what you trained me to do.”

“You saved Captain America’s life. I’d say that was more than just doing what you were trained to do. In doing so, you saved my sister’s and my nephew’s lives and for that I’ll be grateful to the end of my days.”

“There were a lot of good men involved, si--- Jack. I just did what was necessary.”

“I have a feeling you’ve had this conversation before. I just wanted to thank you. You stood up for me to Sergeant Barnes, earning me a little charity in his eyes. I appreciate that.”

“I only told the truth. You were always a good soldier, and a good man sir. Uh. Jack.”

“Did you get a promotion? I feel the need to tell you that I recommended you, and then everything went to shit. I’m sorry for my part in it. I’d hate to think any that my men, my friends, thought I was doing anything against them.”

“I did, to Sergeant. Lieutenant Charles spoke with Captain Shepherd, uh, I mean…”

“It’s ok, Erik, there’s been no official coronation yet, and he was Captain Shepherd at the time, acting Captain, anyway. The state of the government has a lot to iron out over the next several months. I’m glad you finally got your commission.”

“Thank you sir, I mean, Jack.” Erik replied. “Shit, I’m not going to get used to that.”

“I hope you can. We’ve seen some shit together. I’d like to keep in contact and it would make me uncomfortable if you keep calling me ‘Sir’.”

“I’ll try then,”

Jack saw him swallow the ‘sir’ and smiled, “getting easier already.”

“Thanks for everything… uh… You can be sure I’ll keep telling people the good you’ve done.”

“I don’t want you to worry about that. Defending my honor would be a full time job, and to be honest, there was a time I had none to defend. Spend your energies doing better things. Keep my family safe, you’re a soldier in service to them.”

“You got it, Jack.”

“Thank you Erik. Thank you for everything.” Jack patted him on the back before he left.

When they were alone, Jack put his hands on TJ’s shoulders and faced him, “You, do you want to tell me about how mad you are at me now?”

“I’m not.” TJ said quietly, color flooding his cheeks. “I was, I was livid but I was also selfish. I was jealous that you’d told Janie before me… stop… I’m not finished.” TJ added as Jack started to interrupt. “I know you only talked about generalizations and basic fears about coming here. She wouldn’t have told me if you’d confided anything to her, but she told me you never said it to her.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s my cross to bear and it’s my confession to make, to whomever I need to make it. You’re my heart TJ, but you don’t get to be mad at me for opening up and admitting that I have a problem. If I told Erik there, before I told you, you could be mad but you wouldn’t have the right to take it out on me.”

“I know. Janie reminded me in no uncertain terms. I admit I was selfish. Can we move forward with this promise? I won’t give you shit for not drinking around me, I never should have but I made it about me and that wasn’t fair.”

“You have a deal. Can I ask you not to be mad at me because it’s been relatively easy to stop, please? I know that it seems unfair in light of how you’ve struggled.”

“You’ve been stronger than me, faster than I was, that doesn’t negate your struggle. I want to be part of your recovery, not the asshole that sends you to the bottle.”

“Ok then, I made you a promise, let’s go home, and put today behind us.”

TJ followed Jack from the elevator, and seeing the press out the front door, Jack tugged TJ’s shirt by the shoulder seam and directed him toward the back entrance. TJ spun on his heel, noticing the reason for the radical change and caught up, knocking Jack’s hand from his sleeve. “Coulda said something, any excuse to manhandle me.”

Jack let out a sharp laugh, “Coulda let you go into the fray too.”

“You’re just getting me back. By the way, you still owe me for getting the tables changed up. Care to explain?”

"Reminded me of my mom." Jack said quietly as he pushed the door open with his backside.

They stepped out the door and saw a cluster of four or five of the guys they’d just spent the afternoon with. TJ guessed they were having a smoke when Jack charged into the circle and jerked one of them out of the huddle. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

TJ heard the all too familiar homophobic slurs being launched at Jack and at the subject of Jack’s rage, the young soldier, Christian, who had asked about TJ’s sponsor. Jack grabbed the young man, and shoved him out of the circle, catching a fist to the jaw. TJ caught Christian and steadied him, checking him over, “you ok man? What happened?”

“N-nothin’ sir. I mean, it was…” Christian took a few quick breaths, “I mean, it wasn’t…”

TJ urged him to move farther away from the fracas, as much as he wanted to get in there, he needed to see to the man who was the reason Jack was pummeling his former men, and getting pummeled. “They’re going at you because you asked about a sponsor, giving you a bad time?”

“Yeah. Say I’m weak, I guess. Said I was trying to get on the Major’s good side or something. I mean Jack, you know.”

“Are you ok? I need to help Jack, but I need to know you’re ok.”

“I’m fine. I – yeah.”

“Listen, get home, keep yourself safe. If you were asking because you think you might have a problem, call me. If you need to talk to someone before that, here…” TJ gave him Janie’s number, “Tell her I gave you her number, and tell her it was important to me. I need to help him.”

“Should I call the police?”

“No, Call David, David Shepherd. These are his men, yes?”

“We all are, sir. He’s the king, well he will be.”

“Call him. Bypass your CO, tell David I told you to. He’ll know I’m just a dumb civilian, it’ll be ok.”

“Thank you.” Christian said, smearing blood from a cut on his face as he wiped at his chin.

TJ ran toward the sickening sound of flesh striking flesh and saw Jack scramble back to his feet in time to be cuffed upside the head, TJ rushed the man who struck the blow, lodging his fist into the man’s gut. Jack had another in a headlock. The man tried elbowing Jack and failing that, kicked out his feet to knock TJ on his ass. The man TJ had gut-punched launched on top of TJ slugging him across the jaw with his left hand and raising his right fist to crash into TJ’s face. One of the men who had been on the outside of the circle stepped in, “stop this you fools!” he grabbed the man by the shoulder and twisting his arm behind his back, “You’re going to cause an international incident at the very least you son of a bitch.”

Jack’s hold on the man tightened as he saw TJ go down. “You motherfucker, what the hell is wrong with you? You want to hit someone for being an addict? Hit me. You want to beat on someone for being homosexual, beat me you fucking prick. You don’t pick on one of your own goddamned men. Leave TJ out of your fucking fantasies too.”

“Jack!! Jack stop!!” TJ called from his spot on the ground, “You’re going to kill him.”

Jack relaxed his hold, breathing heavily, and threw the man to the ground. “I’m not going to kill the bastard.” Jack said, punching the third man before he could deck him.

David came down the alleyway accompanied by guards, “Can’t leave you two alone, can I?” he said with the sound of an exasperated father.

“Just looking out for the innocent, sir.” TJ said, rolling to his knees and spitting blood.

The four men were secured by the guards, and Jack helped TJ to his feet. “I hope you don’t think we started this, David.” Jack said with a distinct slur. He swiped his arm across this cheek and saw the smear of blood it left.

“Take it easy Jack.” David said in a friendly tone, “are you two ok?”

TJ looked at David scornfully, “Seriously?”

“Fine, I don’t care, I don’t want to know.” David’s voice was laced with laughter, making Jack and TJ both mad.

“Did Christian tell you how it started? Is he ok?” TJ asked as they reached the car in the middle of the alley.

“He says he’s fine, but he’s being looked at. Yes, he told me, I sent him to Alder. Michelle will be hearing the details soon enough. Don’t worry, TJ, they’re the only ones in trouble here. Your mom probably won’t be too thrilled.”

“Aww jesus.” TJ said, “Why couldn’t she leave today?”

Jack laughed, “Probably because she was looking forward to spending some time with you.”

“Yeah, well, it takes someone else’s funeral and a trip out of the country to try.” TJ groused, looking Jack over, “Would you sit still? I need to make sure you…”

“I’m fine TJ, I am. I can’t check on you if you’re fussing over me.”

“Both of you should wait and just let the nurse check you over,” David said with a chuckle as they pulled to a stop in the drive. “No arguments because Elaine and Michelle will make sure it happens.”

“Damn right we will.” TJ heard his mother outside the car.

“Mom, meeting us at the car? Really?” TJ groaned from the bruised (hopefully just) ribs as he got out of the back seat.

“Really. I should be saying “Really TJ?” to you.” She fussed, putting her arm across his waist.

“I’m fine Mom, I need to help Jack.” TJ tried to pull away.

“I’ve got him.” David said from behind, essentially holding Jack upright. “You’re going to live, so you might as well pull your own weight Benjamin.”

Jack tightened his hold on David’s shoulder, trying to see through the slits that were his eyes. “I can pull my weight, but I can’t see where it’s going.”

They were led to their rooms, and met by the nurse who had been summoned to check Christian over. She cleaned up Jack’s face and set him up with cold packs, she checked his bruised torso, “Mostly bruised, keep an eye on this cut, you might need to get it stitched. Keep the cold pack on your face, the swelling will come down. Your knuckles should be iced too.” She told Jack as she cleaned his hands.

She checked TJ’s ribs and cleaned him up, “Ice and rest. I’m pretty sure they’re just bruised; you might want to see a doctor just to make sure.”

“Shh. Jesus, now she’s going to get a doctor involved.” TJ groaned.

“You’re right again.” Elaine said from the doorway, she crossed the space and brushed her hands through TJ’s hair.

“Don’t argue with your mom, TJ” Jack said from the pillow next to TJ, sounding slurred from the swelling of his lip, and the pain meds he’d been given.

“I hate you.” TJ said under his breath. “Jack.” He decided to clarify.

Jack reached his hand toward TJ and TJ took it, “why this time?” he asked, a slight hint of humor under all the outside barriers to his clear speech.

“I can’t even take any pain meds, and you’re already getting high.”

“Lie down Kitten.” Jack sighed. “Rest, they can call the doctor to come to you.”

TJ accepted his mom’s assistance and eased back next to Jack on his pillows. After a couple of hard breaths, he started to relax a little. “Doesn’t work.” TJ moaned, gripping Jack’s hand that was still next to him.

“It will, just close your eyes.” Elaine cooed, brushing his hair from his forehead and settling the new cold packs that were recently delivered against his face.

Jack gingerly pulled a pillow from under his head and handed it across, hopefully to Elaine, he wasn’t able to see yet, “Tuck this between his arm and his torso, it might help, a little.”

TJ accepted the fussing, because if he didn’t he’d just complain about something. He lifted his arm and let his mom place the pillow along his side, then lowered his arm to hug the pillow gently.

Elaine fussed a little longer, careful not to irritate TJ, but ensuring herself he was just bruised and irritable. She crossed to Jack’s side and peeked under the cold pack, Jack looked at her the best he could, “You look terrible but I’m assured you’ll live.” She combed her fingers through Jack’s hair.

“Thanks” Jack tried to smile at her, he hoped it was a smile.

“You’d better live. There’ll be no living with him if you don’t. You hear me?”

Jack gave her a thumbs up as Elaine covered his bruises gently. She left when the doctor arrived. He looked TJ over and then Jack at TJ’s insistence. “I can offer you something for the pain, TJ, if it’s closely monitored it should be sufficient, but it’s not without risks.”

“I’ll deal with it on my own.” TJ breathed as he lay back down next to Jack. “If it really gets bad I’ll call you. I can’t take the chance.”

“Ok, don’t hesitate to call me, don’t suffer needlessly. I promise, I’m not into working against your recovery.”

“I know doc. Thanks.” TJ said softly.

“Let them rest.” The doctor told Elaine and Michelle, who’d finally been able to join, after looking after Christian and keeping him company until his girlfriend came to retrieve him. “TJ has my number if the pain gets too bad. If he’s being too stubborn, you can call me and we’ll check in with him again.”

“Not exactly how we were planning to get away from it all this afternoon, huh kitten?” Jack slurred, causing TJ to smile and wince.

“No, and you’re too messed up, chemically and physically to talk right now, so be quiet. If you make me laugh I’ll punch you.”

“You don’t have the range. You’re hurt.”

“Fine jerk. I’ll punch you later.” TJ groaned.

Jack dozed fitfully, dreaming about choking the man he’d served with, and TJ’s bloody, terrified face. He sat up with a groan and struggled to open his eyes. He was relieved the swelling had gone down enough that he could see a little better. He walked around to the window and looked out at the setting sun. When TJ groaned he went back to TJ’s side of the bed. “Shh, it’s ok TJ.” He ran his fingers through the hair that fell on TJ’s forehead, lookin at his split knuckles as he did, “I’m here, Kitten.”

“Jack? You should be sleeping.” TJ said sleepily.

“I was having nightmares. I’m so sorry about earlier.”

“What, you rescued Christian.” TJ said quietly.

“I almost killed Evan.”

“You didn’t.”

“I almost did, because he took you down, and I didn’t because you stopped me.”

“You’d have stopped.” TJ reached for Jack’s hand, “Come lie down.”

“I’m too anxious to lie down. I saw red TJ, I haven’t felt like that in a long time, and I never wanted you to see it.”

“But you warned me it was there, and it was in defense of a man overwhelmed by bigger, more experienced men, and me. I promise I’m not such a stranger to scuffles, I did go to boarding school.” TJ tried to smile, but his split lip stung and he hissed at the burning feeling.

Jack joined TJ back on the bed, lying gingerly on his side, favoring his bruised middle, “You’re crazy to be so forgiving. However, I’m glad you are. I’m sure I’ll think about you rushing into the middle of everything and I’ll forgive you for that too. But maybe not tonight.”

TJ turned his head to look at Jack, brushing his finger over the puffy cheek, careful to avoid the cut, “You’re not going to forgive me for stopping someone from bashing your head in? Well, that’s incredibly graceless.”

“Not tonight. You’re injured, on my account, I can be mad about that.”

TJ braced himself and sat up, dragging himself from the bed with some effort to Jack’s protest.

“I have to piss, Jack. You want me to try to make it from here?”

“Of course, that would be more entertaining. You can manage, I presume?”

“No, I want you to come hold my dick while I try to ignore the pain.”

“I’m not going to help you with anything, ever. You’re a mean one.” Jack retorted, with a hint of humor.

“I know. I’m a real jackass.” TJ said when he returned, he put some music on and walked to the window, holding his ribs, “It just hurts and I’m an overgrown baby about it.”

“I know, which is worse? Standing or lying down?”

“Both. I’m sure it’ll pass.” TJ came back to the bed, sitting on the edge by Jack. “I’m sorry you got clubbed, and I’m sorry I got involved.”

“I don’t want apologies, we did the right thing, and even if I went overboard, everyone got thumped pretty good.”

“I want to go home.” TJ moaned.

“You don’t want to fly for at least a few days. Let’s just hope our stay isn’t prolonged. I’m not chancing making your injury worse.”

“Oh great.” TJ sighed. He winced as he reached for the phone to call for more cold packs.

“You’ll be ok in a couple of days as long as you relax, come back to bed Kitten, I’m sure your mom or Michelle will bring the cold packs, we don’t have to move, we can be waited on if you desire.”

“Do you think you can get some more sleep without nightmares disturbing you?” TJ asked as Jack scooted over to let him lie next to him in his spot.

“Maybe, I talked about it, maybe that helped work through it. Unless the pain meds planted it in there. TJ, would you talk to me? Is that selfish?”

“No sweetheart, what do you want to hear about?”

“Tell me about your boarding school experiences. Something worth talking about must have happened.”

“Not a peep. I was very vanilla. I never got into trouble and I always followed the rules.”

“What have you done with my TJ? You’re an imposter.” Jack said sleepily.

“I’ve been fooling you all along. Fooling the world. A well-crafted fiction to make my life sound more adventurous.”

“What’s this?” Elaine said from the doorway, carrying a basket full of snacks and some cold packs.

“Momma.” TJ sighed. “I was just telling stories, Jack had a nightmare, I was just talking until someone brought the cold packs. These are warm now.”

“If you need anything, just call,” Elaine placed a fresh pack across Jack’s swollen eyes and he reached for her hand. She took his hand, “you rest Jack, I’ll make TJ do the same.”

“Thank you, he’s getting restless.” Jack murmured.

“I was settling down.” TJ objected, wincing as he moved to find a comfortable position.

“Well, you can settle down now.” Elaine stroked TJ’s forehead before bending to kiss him where her fingers had been, “You don’t want me camping outside the door.”

“I guess it wouldn’t be so bad.” TJ said with a tired smile. “Some way to spend time together, huh?”

“Hush. You were doing the right thing. Go to sleep, I’ll sit in the other room for a while. If you get hungry there’s something to munch on right here on your bedside table.”

“Thanks momma.” TJ replied, hugging the pillow close to his body as his mom adjusted the cold pack on his cheek. “Is Jack sleeping?”

“Yeah, I think he finally gave in. Your turn sweetheart.”

* * *

When Jack woke again, his head was pounding. He groaned as he rolled out of bed to go to the bathroom, and he fumbled his way back to the bed feeling as if he’d been steamrolled. He put both hands on the bed, trying to crawl in without jostling TJ and wound up lying sprawled on and off the edge looking through the darkness trying to focus on the ceiling. He squinted and moaned from the pain caused by his stupidity.

TJ reached toward him, resisting opening his eyes just yet, he felt along the mattress until his hand touched Jack’s shoulder, “you ok?” he croaked, his throat dry.

“I’m only half dead.” Jack snickered.

“Less than that if you can laugh.”

“I guess I’ll live then.” Jack answered as he reached up to brush TJ’s hand with his fingers. “How’re you feelin’?”

“Like I was dropped from the roof of the building we were at.”

“Maybe a little exaggerated?”

“No.” TJ said with a groan that bordered on a whine.

They heard a soft knock and a quiet “Can I get you anything?” from the doorway and TJ opened his eyes.

“Momma, did you stay all night?”

“I fell asleep on the sofa,” Elaine answered, “you should drink something.”

TJ struggled to sit up and winced and groaned. “I told you, dropped from a building. A very tall building.”

Jack groaned a laugh as the split on his lip opened up with his smile. He tasted metal and rolled to sit on the edge of the bed; he reached for the water Elaine had put by the bed to wash the taste away. TJ took a water from his mom and winced as the bruises on his face pulled when he drank.

“I haven’t been beaten up in a long time, I forgot how it felt.” TJ said, shooting for humor.

“I have, didn’t forget either. It sucks.” Jack answered, sitting back against the headboard.

Elaine stood by, watching the two men cope with their injuries, the duality apparent in TJ’s largely sheltered upbringing and Jack’s worldly experiences. She admitted she’d seldom to never seen TJ with one of his love interests. She’d met a few, when he’d felt inclined to bring one around, but seeing TJ as part of a couple was new for her.

She worried that they could be too codependent, but on the other hand she liked the way Jack supported TJ and encouraged him to reach beyond his comfort zone. Maybe they would find a healthy way to make things work. All she knew was she was going to be as supportive as she could, because she hadn’t seen TJ happy, even in the midst of the latest developments, she hadn’t seen him as happy as he was now for too long.

Michelle knocked, “I’m sorry, I let myself in because I didn’t want to make you get up. I’d have been in earlier but Eli woke up as I was getting ready.”

“That’s ok.” Jack smiled with the half of his face that wasn’t broken open, “where is he?”

“He’s with David, you don’t need him climbing all over you, I’ll bring him up a little later, after you’ve had a chance to get some more rest.” Michelle took the water bottle from the side table and dampened her handkerchief; she lightly cleaned Jack’s freshly opened lip.

“You’ve been a mother too long.” He complained.

“Yeah, deal with it.” She said, all business. “I’ll get you some fresh cold packs, your face doesn’t look half as terrifying as it did last night. They must be working.”

“I can’t even give you a dirty look.” Jack pouted.

“Then I’ll have to come around more often. At least until the swelling goes down and the cuts stop opening.” She smiled good-naturedly. “Can I get you anything? I can have something in the way of breakfast sent up.”

“Bone broth. Or gruel.” Jack frowned.

“I think we can do better than that, of course I could be nice and just give you what you asked for.” Michelle patted Jack’s foot as she walked around to give TJ a peck on the cheek. “Are you as prickly as he is this morning?”

“Probably.” TJ agreed, “How’s Christian?”

“He was fine when he left, a few scrapes and cuts. He’ll probably wake up to some bruises.”

“I need to call Janie. I told him to call her if he needed and I didn’t warn her.”

Elaine handed TJ his phone with a gentle “you don’t have to do this right now TJ. If he called her she already knows.”

“I still need to let her know what’s going on, he probably said something and she’ll probably worry. I’m ok Mom, I need to do this.”

“I’ll make sure he takes it easy.” Jack offered. “Not like he’s going anywhere. Maybe you two can supervise the breakfast?”

“Ooh, he’s funny.” Michelle said, “Not the worst idea you’ve had though. We’ll be free to talk about you without you hearing.”

“Look who’s funny now? I remember this girl. Pesky thing with pigtails.”

“You don’t want to get me started on who’s the most pesky. I’m glad you’re feeling ok to tease. Maybe you should get your own breakfast.”

“It’s ok; don’t go out of your way.” Jack called after them, “Don’t mind our suffering.”

TJ snorted and groaned at the pain the act caused. Elaine and Michelle left laughing, probably at something they were sharing behind their backs. Jack turned to check TJ over.

“You gonna make it?” Jack asked, half teasing.

“I won’t if you two don’t stop trying to take me out by way of humor.”

“That? That wasn’t funny at all.” Jack brushed TJ’s hair aside and looked over his face.

TJ saw the splits on Jack’s knuckles in an up-close blur and took his hand, turning it to inspect the damages, “You really went into battle.” He said quietly, softly rubbing his thumb over the un-cut skin on the back of Jack’s hand.

“I really got carried away.” Jack admitted. “Call Janie, and at some point put it on speaker so I can say ‘hey’.”

“Ok,” TJ carefully adjusted his position and eased back against the pillows then tapped the most used contact on his phone.

“Hey Janes.” He sighed as she answered.

“TJ? Are you ok?”

“Did a guy named Christian call you last night?”

“He did, said you told him to. He seemed pretty upset, can’t tell you much else.”

“Did he tell you about the fight?”

“Yes, and that you and Jack got into it on his account. Did your anger have anything to do with pushing you into the fight?”

“It might have made me a little braver than I would have been otherwise, but Jack and I had talked and mostly it was diffused.”

“Did you two get hurt?” Janie asked

“Bruised ribs, cuts and bruises. Jack’s face has seen better days, he's bruised all over, and he split his knuckles. He’s here, I’m putting it on speaker.”

“Jack? I hate that you two got hurt. That’s not what I meant when I told you to take care of TJ”

“We’ll be fine Janie. He’s the one who came in brawling to save me, for what it’s worth.” Jack replied.

“I’d do it again, as long as I have a few days to recover from this one.” TJ admitted. In all honesty, all he saw was a group of people, and Jack in harm’s way. He hadn’t seen the skill Jack possessed, and it wasn’t until thinking about it now that he realized how good Jack was in a fight.

Janie laughed, “Please, Jack, give him recovery time.”

“I will Janie,” Jack said softly, “he’s going to rest the next day or so, and we might be delayed coming home if he’s as bad off on travel day as he is now, can’t move without sounding like a dying cow.”

“I’m not going to dignify that with a response, Janie how are you sweetheart?” TJ asked, flipping Jack off in the process.

Jack cringed, reminded again, too late, that laughing hurt.

“I’m ok, going with Steve and Bucky to look at apartments in the morning.”

“I’m sorry, I keep forgetting the fucking time difference.”

“TJ, it’s alright. You already know you can call me any time. I’m just glad to know you’re ok, both of you.”

“We will be.” TJ agreed. “I’ll send you a picture so you can see how stupid we are.”

Janie giggled when she saw the selfie Jack took of the two of them, “I can’t disagree. Just don’t do anything to make it worse, I’d like to see you home soon.”

“We have to be more respectable, we’re going to be parents, and this isn’t any way for parents to look.” Jack complained, frowning at the photo.

“Jack, you did an honorable thing. Don’t worry so much. If you two are ok, I’m going to go to sleep now, I’m looking forward to morning and don’t want to wind up sleep deprived and grumpy.”

“Sleep well Janes. We send our love. Tell ‘em hi for me.”

“For us! Tell ‘em hi for both of us. Love you sweet girl.” Jack added.

“I love you two fellas too. Be good.”

“Apparently it’s really hard to do that here, Janie. We need to get home soon.” Jack frowned, getting used to the pain the gesture caused.

“Yes baby, you do.” Janie said sweetly, “So be a good patient and get home on your planned flight.”

“Or you can come home with me on a more comfortable flight.” Elaine said from the bedroom doorway. “If you’d like.”

“Janie, this is my mom.” TJ said, looking from Jack to his mother, “She’s being helpful, and she’s bearing breakfast. You have a good sleep and we’ll see you soon.”

“Hello Mrs. President.” Janie said, and TJ imagined she was flipping off her phone which made him laugh.

“Janie? Please call me Elaine. I look forward to meeting you in person.”

“Thank you. I’ll trust you’ll take care of my boys?” Janie asked, not cowing in the slightest, even to polite conversation, and TJ loved her all the more for it.

“I will, if they will let me, they’re stubborn.”

“Ok everyone, I’m hanging up now.” TJ announced.

“Bye boys.” Janie said quickly and ended the call on her end.

“Her boys?”

TJ laughed and held his arms close to his ribs, “Yes I’d say we’re her boys. She’s put up with a lot of our problems. She gets to say “my boys” doesn’t she Jack?”

“I hope so, she’s our girl.”

“I wouldn’t fight Bucky over her though.” TJ decided, “No, she’s our girl after she’s Bucky’s girl.”

Jack carefully managed to eat and found either it got easier or he was just getting used to pain, TJ picked at his food, while asking his mom about Bucky.

“What’s going to happen with him?”

“I answered and made more calls yesterday, and I’m starting to feel pretty good about things. I think we might be able to give him some hope for good news.”

“I think he’d rather wait until you had the actual good news.” TJ considered, breaking a piece off the croissant and pulling the pastry layers apart before putting them on his tongue, one at a time and letting the pastry dissolve.

“Well, I could wait, I suppose.”

“If you could give him some freedom, some protection, it would be great. You know, until the great minds of the world try to figure out that torture and brainwashing is a valid reason for what he did. Alternatively, if they can try to justify how a lifetime in captivity, in the hands of our own government, _if you want to get technical_ , doesn’t already constitute “time served” for the crimes he committed in his role as a weapon. If you think that maybe they can pull their heads out of their asses long enough to consider that he actually should be paid restitution for his horrifying treatment.”

“TJ,” Elaine laid a hand on TJ’s shoulder, “please calm down. I agree with you, but these things still take time. I’ll use some of your arguments if I have to, because you’re right.”

“I won’t calm down Mom, this is wrong. Every time I get upset about something someone tells me to calm down, as if being outraged by a thing is going to set me off or something.”

“Honey, I don’t want to control your reactions, I just don’t want you to hurt yourself further.”

“I agree with your mom TJ. You’re getting worked up, and rightly so, but she did have positive news.” Jack touched TJ’s thigh.

“I know.” TJ sat back against the pillows, wincing at this quick movement. “I’m sorry.”

“TJ, why _are_ you so passionate about this?”

“I told you mom, he’s been nothing but good to me. He seemed frightened and uncertain but he was willing to open up to us and hope to be accepted. He seems like a wounded animal in some respects, not that I’d ever say so to him. Top it all off with what I just said, he was mistreated. Horrifically mistreated.”

“Ok, I think I understand.”

“I’d hope you wouldn’t even need for me to give you a personal reason, I could just be outraged by the whole ordeal, and that should be enough to be passionate. But I’m giving it to you so you can feel more connected to it, to him.”

“I’m working on it, I promise. I’ll make more calls while you rest. I can’t say it will all come together quickly, so have patience. I’ll make it known that Bucky has the protection of the United States pending the decision and he doesn’t need to be afraid of going out.”

“Except for Hydra, he still has to fear that,” TJ considered, “Is this freedom immediate?”

“Yes, that will be my first call.” Elaine ruffled TJ’s hair, “Are you just not hungry? Or did you spoil your appetite?”

“It’s just unpleasant to eat with the pain. I’ve been fighting getting up, so I gotta do that, and then I think I want to lie down again for a few.”

Elaine helped TJ to his feet “Can you manage or do you want my help?”

“I’ll see if I can make it to the door.” TJ half joked, “I should be fine.”

She sat on the bed, “Jack, how are you?” she asked quietly after ensuring TJ did make it to the door.

“I’m ok, better off than I look. You can leave him to me, I think he’s just going to complain and sleep. If you could make that phone call and let him know, I think he’d like to tell Bucky.”

“I think it might help lift his spirits. He’s beating himself up over this fight, isn’t he?”

“I think he feels it more than just in the bruises. Maybe it’s just everything. He hasn’t been as happy, or easygoing as he was in New York, he misses it. Not only that, every day has been some emotional upheaval or another, and I don’t think the energy of the city has blown over yet and it’s getting to him.”

“Were we talking about me?” TJ asked with a small smile. “Could you have a rotation of cold packs delivered? If I can’t take anything for this, I need to do something.”

“Of course.” Elaine got up from TJ’s spot and helped him lie down. “Pillows? How many and where?”

“You’re hovering.” TJ reprimanded. “Thank you for hovering.”

He found the best position to lay and lifted his arm for the pillow that did actually help, since he could feel his arm against his ribs without it.

“If you’d like, you can call Bucky and let him know he’s only got Hydra to worry about, the authorities will not be hunting him, and if anyone harasses him, they’re to call me directly. It might be a good idea if he sticks close to Captain Rogers until the message spreads. He might want to keep away from your apartment if the press has figured out where you live.”

“Momma, thank you. I guess I should confess, I let them stay at the penthouse in the city for the next week. Janie’s helping Captain Rogers find an apartment, so it kind of took some of the burden off them.”

“You’re a good friend TJ. You’re a good man, and you’re a good son.” She placed a kiss on his forehead.

“I love you mom.”

“I love you too TJ. Jack, don’t ‘look after’ him to the extent that you forget that you’re healing too. I’d hate for you to have any complications.” Elaine said, giving Jack’s cuts a once-over before kissing him on the cheek.

Jack took her hand in his and kissed the back of it, then before he could let go, she turned his hand over and took his other to inspect them. “I guess I lost control” Jack blushed.

“I hope it’s not a habit.” She said warmly, “I’m sure the moment warranted some aggression.”

“I’d never raise a hand to TJ.” Jack’s eyes flooded at the implication, whether imagined or intended, “I wouldn’t.”

“Now Jack, I never said you would. I wouldn’t trust you to care for him if I thought that. TJ got just as involved and I’d never suspect him of raising a hand to you either. Settle back and relax. If you need anything, let me know.” She released his hands and brushed her fingers over an unbruised section of his cheek, “don’t you worry.”

Once the main door to the apartment closed Jack turned to TJ, “It’s ridiculous.”

“What is? You showing your soft side?” TJ smirked, sort of, with a little wince from the tug of the bruise.

“No jackass.” Jack half-smiled, silently cursing the extra tears that seemed determined to gather. “I’ve spent a thimble-full of time with your father. I’ve spent just the short time here, especially in this room, with your mother. The thing is, they both treated me with more kindness than I can recall from my own parents, and I’m trying hard to draw on every little thing when I make that comparison. At least in my adult life.”

“My father.” TJ huffed (and cringed), “He said you’d leave me, is that your character or mine he was assassinating?”

“He was kind to me. I’m not saying he didn’t hurt you, but so did your mother, and you’re talking to her.”

“You’re right. I suppose I could think about it.” TJ said, picking up his phone. “What time is it in New York?”

“Bucky’s probably awake, even if he’s not, he’d like to hear this. You could send a text asking him to call you back. You know, in case he's sleeping, chances are the text won't wake him.”


	46. Chapter 46

Bucky’s phone chirped, it was something Bucky’s phone didn’t normally do. He wondered if it had a setting to remind you to plug it in or something, but then again, he considered the changes in his life. It could be Janie. He picked it up and saw the message.

TJ Hammond: “Bucky, could you please give me a call when convenient?”

He shrugged, ‘what the hell, why not now?’ he thought as he touched the call button.

“Hello?” a muffled voice that could be TJ’s answered.

“TJ? Sorry, did I wake you? I thought you just sent a text.”

“No, sorry, there was an incident yesterday, got a bit cut up, and I bruised my ribs, but that’s not why I asked you to call.”

“What’s happened? Is Janie ok?”

“She’s fine, sleeping I think. This is about you. I just talked to my mom, Bucky. She assures me that she’s working with some very important people about your situation. Meanwhile you’re a free man in the US. Nobody should try to arrest you, but in the time it’ll take to get the message out, if there’s any problem in the next several days, have whomever it is call my mother directly. I’m supposed to give you her contact information, I’ll text that when we’re done.”

“TJ, I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll stick close to Steve, mom suggested as much, and take care. Don’t let the idea of freedom let you drop your guard, Hydra is still out there.”

“Don’t I know it? But that I can handle. Thank you TJ, I know this was your doing, I mean I know Steve has talked with her but you deserve most of the thanks.”

“I might have been accused of being passionate about it. You were kind to me; your advice has been invaluable.”

“I might be coming to you for advice; I’m not sure how to process this. Just a few days ago, I was getting you into trouble and a few before that I was fighting a war in the city you’re visiting. You said you got injured, is there still fighting?”

“Just ruffians picking on someone with a difference of opinion. Jack went in and got the kid out, I went in to make sure Jack could get out.”

Bucky stifled a chuckle, the visual he had wasn’t TJ and Jack in the middle of this fight, but Steve, many years ago, and about a hundred pounds lighter. “You’re sure you’re ok? How did Jack fare?”

“We’re fine, cuts, and bruises, anyone sees us, and they’ll think we tried to take each other out.”

Bucky couldn’t hold this laugh in, “as long as you’re both ok. I think Janie would be out of her head if you weren’t.”

“The crowd here isn’t too different, my mother is hovering, and Michelle would be very near doing so, if she didn’t have a government to fix and a kid to raise.”

Bucky smiled. “Tell her thanks for her part in everything. Tell her I wish her luck too.”

“Will do. Good luck on the apartment hunt, don’t worry if you don’t find something before the penthouse is no longer available, I have an idea. I’ll let you know in a few hours, after I can make some calls.”

“TJ you don’t have to do any more, honestly.”

“I might not have to, but I can, so I will. Its family perks, you’re close enough to family at this point, I mean Janie and you, getting to know each other, Jack going to work for Steve, it just feels right, so let me?”

“I’m not going to refuse, I’ll have Steve call you if he has any arguments. Sounds like you could do with a rest. Thanks for everything TJ.”

“You bet. Since you’re pretty much able to go wherever, you can let Janie know the apartment isn’t off limits any more. As long as you don’t mind kind of ducking the press.”

“TJ, I’m afraid I’ll have my own press to deal with once word gets out, so, I’ll be seeking even more advice from you soon enough.”

“Yikes, I’m sorry ‘bout that.” TJ apologized.

Bucky laughed, “It’s ok TJ. Small price to pay for freedom, just be there to remind me when I forget I said so. I’m going to let you go, you really need to take it easy, and I’m going to go outside and see if it feels any different.”

“You’ll have to keep me informed, I’m interested to know if it does. Bye Bucky, sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t. Bye TJ.” Bucky slipped the phone into his pocket and grabbed his shoes. He padded down the hallway and let himself into Steve’s room, “Steve?”

“Yeah Buck?” He didn’t sound like he’d been awakened, “Everything ok?”

Bucky crossed the room quietly and Steve heard the shoes tumble to the floor as Bucky sat on the edge at the foot of the bed. “Yeah. I think it will be. Everything ok with you?”

“The usual. What’s up?”

“I just got off the phone with TJ. His mom is still working things out internationally, but here in the States, I’m a free man. I don’t know what to think about that.”

“You don’t have to think anything right away, just run with it.” Steve said, smiling.

“I know, but, I didn’t let myself expect anything. All the talk from you, and Janie, about President Hammond, and all the promises from Michelle Benjamin were just words, noises I couldn’t let myself consider. What do I do now?”

“Anything you want, at least within the confines of the United States. Talk to Jack and TJ, they’re both starting over. Maybe they have some advice. Come fight alongside me. It’s all your choice Buck.”

“I have options.” Bucky said with awe.

“You have options.” Steve agreed. “You taking off now that you can?” Steve indicated the shoes at Bucky’s feet.

“I was going to take a walk. I came to ask you if you wanted to join me.”

“I’d like that.” Steve threw back the covers and sat next to Bucky on the edge of the bed. “We could go down the street to that diner for an early breakfast.”

. . .

The diner was a perfect choice; they both ordered a hearty breakfast and talked about what they were looking for in an apartment. Bucky’s only stipulations were good lighting, roof access, and warmth in winter.

“Roof access might be our biggest barrier; you don’t have any other requirements?”

“Up til a few hours ago I was going to be lucky to be able to squat _anywhere_ , and hope to be safe for a _minute_. I haven’t had time to be more selective. Warmth is important, I remember all those horrible winters, and then there was all the time in cryo. I just want warmth and blankets. A roof to look out over the city, and after being in that veritable pit at Gehenna I want light, natural light, artificial light, lanterns for power outages. I have very few requirements to make me comfortable, Steve.”

“Just don’t lose it when you hear the going rate, it’s more than a little traumatic.”

“I’m slightly prepared; Janie has been breaking it to me gently. I’m appalled. It’s too bad we didn’t own property.”

“We barely owned the clothes on our backs.” Steve added.

“Too bad we don’t have that. We could be the original hipsters, or sell the stuff to make rent. Have you seen what “vintage” clothes go for?”

Steve laughed and his smile lingered as he dug into his stack of pancakes.

“What?” Bucky asked, a tiny smile tugging at his lips.

“Not too long ago, we were kicking the shit out of each other in a clearing in Gilboa, and you were in a very dark place. Today you’re joking about being a hipster and contemplating the vintage clothing business.”

“I think it comes from Janie.”

“I’m glad you like her, Buck. There’s a lightness about you after you see her.”

“She’s the lightness, Steve. So did Sam get settled back home?”

“Yeah, he’s visiting family and taking a much deserved break. Surprised you asked.”

“Why? He’s an ok guy. We were even starting to get along by the time he had to leave. I’m surprised you didn’t notice. The first couple of days we were all just tired and trying to figure everything out. Plus, like you said, he needed a break. Dealing with you while looking for me and then dealing with me on top of it is a lot for any one person.”

“Dealing with me?” Steve feigned shock.

“Yeah, I’m sure while you were out there fighting Hydra and trying to find me, all while trying to protect the world, you might have been difficult to spend so much time with. I’ll shoulder the blame for a lot of that, ducking and hiding from you, only to get caught by them.”

“Don’t do that, there’s no blame to be had.”

“and if I feel it anyway?”

“You’ll work it out, you’ve got a support system.”

“Yeah, when you first told me that I didn’t believe you, but those people you kept saying good things about? They really are pretty decent people.”

“You sure used a lot of words there Buck, you coulda just said “You were right Steve.” and saved your breath.”

“I see how it is.” Bucky pushed his empty plate aside, “well, you were right, Steve. This morning TJ called me “family”.”

“Somehow, I’m not surprised. I think he quietly adopted both of us.” Steve mused.

“Wouldn't’ be so bad, I mean who doesn’t need some kind of family, right?”

“We could benefit from it, especially so displaced from everything.” Bucky saw Steve’s carefully hidden frown, that was something he could never forget, Steve-don’t bleed on anyone-Rogers.

“It’s just a new adventure, Steve.” Bucky said as his phone chirped. “Still not used to this.” He said apologetically, pulling the phone from his pocket.

“Yeah.” Steve sighed, as Bucky looked at his message. “You an’ I remember when they were a luxury, not a requirement.”

“Part of the adventure I guess.” Bucky answered, “It’s Janie, she just asked about breakfast.”

They both laughed and Steve considered the options, “tell her we’ve eaten but we can have coffee while she has breakfast, we’ve been ignoring our cups anyway.”

“Too focused on the food. God I swear I’m always hungry, wasn’t that long ago I was able to go from dawn to noon with just a couple of energy bars.” Bucky said as he sent the message to Janie.

“Probably why you were able to be snatched, your body needs more fuel.”

“Yeah, something I know but on the run, it wasn’t always possible.”

“But now, you don’t have to worry about it, you’re not going to have to go hungry Buck.”

“OK. We’re meeting her in half an hour at a coffee shop halfway between here and her place.” Bucky said by way of changing the subject. “Maybe I’ll have a pastry when we get there.”

Steve took care of the check and they headed to meet Janie.

Janie smiled as she saw the pair walk into the small coffee shop she had chosen, she hadn’t been there longer than the time it took to secure a seat for them, so she still had to order. She hugged Bucky, first, clinging just a little before moving to give Steve a hug as well.

“Janie.” Steve said fondly, “Thanks for doing this, we could have rescheduled, how are you doing?”

“I don’t want to reschedule, I’m off work for the week and I don’t want to spend it sitting at home thinking about him, so I’d rather see the sites and some apartment buildings with you. If this works out, who knows? Maybe I’ll start looking into becoming a realtor instead. Can’t really have the lives of kids directly on your hands doing that, can you?”

Oh god. Did she just say that? That was supposed to be inside her head. Fuck. Steve confirmed that she did with a second hug, “Don’t give up. You’re helping more deserving people than you’re giving yourself credit for.”

“I’m really not giving up, I didn’t mean to blurt that out. That was supposed to be a private thought, I’m sorry. So you’ve already eaten? You must have gotten an early start.”

“We did.” Bucky said, “TJ sent a text in the ungodly middle of the night and had me call him. I couldn’t sleep afterward.”

“He had me awake too, time difference. Was he asking for fighting advice? Sounds like he got his ass kicked.”

Bucky shook his head with a smirk, “Nah, he wanted to give me some news. It seems he’s managed to sway his mother to give me a break. I don’t have to hide anymore, as long as I keep my feet on US soil.”

“Well, there’s a lot of that to keep you safe and not keep you tied down. Some people live their lives never leaving, and you’ve spent enough time out of your home country for anyone’s lifetime. But a complete dismissal would be better.” Janie observed, “I’m gonna order, you sure you guys don’t want anything other than coffee?”

“I can’t let you get ours.” Steve said, “Whatever you’re having, it’s my treat, after all, you’re doing this for us.”

“I won’t start the day arguing, thank you, I appreciate it.” Janie smiled.

They stood in line together and Bucky considered what Janie said, “You know, you’re right about both. I could stay put and not think twice. Especially if you manage to find us an apartment with all the requirements.”

“You’d best not be too picky. I’ve got a few ideas though. Do you like my building? I know there’s an apartment vacating next month – which isn’t great timing-wise but it’s better than some waiting lists.”

“You’ve got roof access, which I like. The windows are sufficient, that is if this other apartment is at all comparable to yours. What’s it like in the winter?”

“Snow falls there just like the rest of the city.” Janie said.

“You’re funny. Is the building warm.” Bucky said, tickling Janie’s side then pulling her close. “Or could I sneak into your apartment if I get cold?” he asked closer to her ear.

“Then,” Janie continued, ignoring the last but holding it to her heart with a smile, “There’s another building similar to it a few blocks away. Of course, those aren’t Brooklyn. You’d be settling.”

“I am serious about a warm building. If it’s warm, I will take it over a cold, damp one anywhere, even Brooklyn.”

“It’s warm, I promise, everything we’re going to look at today is very modern, even the older buildings have been updated.” Janie hugged Bucky close to her side.

“Ok, if warm is covered, I want lots of light and I want roof access. If I can’t have a top floor I want roof access.”

“You’re not picky. I suppose Steve wants some kind of special kitchen setup and more square footage than is reasonable?”

Steve looked away from the menu, to Janie, “I’m not that picky. I’ve already been looking, I know small with a big price tag is what I’m looking at. I would like to have enough room that I can stand in the room and stretch my arms out and not touch the walls.”

“Well, someone is trying to be a comedian.” Janie snickered as their turn at the counter arrived.

After ordering coffee, a breakfast sandwich for Janie and Danish for both Bucky _and_ Steve, they sat at the table Janie had put her stuff on. “So, you don’t want a trademark New York closet, huh? Lucky for you everything I have to show you is the size of my place, roughly.”

“How did you find all of these properties?” Steve asked.

“My friend’s girlfriend is a realtor. I talked to her and her girlfriend one day and told them I knew someone who was looking and they gathered a list of places after I gave them a list of the things you told me and what I like, figuring you might need a little modern sense thrown in there. She focuses on sales but has access to rental properties, and since we’ve all been friends for ages, she did me a solid.”

“Janie, you are amazing.” Bucky said, “Almost as amazing as this pastry.”

“and that’s when you start sounding like my little brother.” Janie said, in the exasperated tone that one gets with little brothers.

Steve laughed and Bucky leaned toward Janie and dropped a kiss on her cheek.

“I like what you’ve done with your hair today Janie,” he said quietly, “I love the braids, but your curls are beautiful.”

“Thank you Bucky.” Janie blushed, “So, we’ll start in Brooklyn and then make our way back.” She changed the subject for Steve’s sake, not because she didn’t quite remember how to breathe properly around Bucky let alone how to react to his sweet and innocent compliment. “Is the train ok? TJ mentioned at some point that there’s a car at your building if we need it.”

“What do you say Buck? Traffic or people?”

Bucky smirked, “I’d walk the streets if I had my druthers, but the train is ok.”

“You sure?” Janie asked, “The car would be ok if you’d prefer to keep contact to a minimum.”

“Nah, it’s just… It’s nothing Janie. The train is fine.” Bucky rose to gather their coffees.

“He’ll be ok.” Steve reassured her, “he knows the train isn’t the same, I think it’s just the initial thought makes him shudder.”

“Oh. Oh! Ok. I’ll just keep my mouth shut.” Janie blushed, “I mean, of course I won’t but I won’t carry on about it.”

“You’re fine Janie.” Steve smiled, “So, these Brooklyn places? Anything promising?”

“You’re just itching to go home.” She smiled softly, “I think a couple are attainable, there are a couple here,” She pushed two files his way, “that are pretty high up on your high-end.”

“Yeah,” Steve whistled as he pushed the files back at her after peering inside of each of them, “Let’s not waste our time with these, it still looks like we have the better part of a day with what you have left there too look at.” Steve gestured the folders she hadn’t given him yet.

“What’s this?” Bucky asked setting three coffees on the table and picking up the discarded folders.

“The places we’re not looking at today.” Steve said before sipping from his cup.

“Ok, too high?”

“Yeah, just enough.”

“Ok, what about the rest? All good?”

“Blue ones are Brooklyn and green ones are near my apartment.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t just email us a bunch of files.” Steve said, flipping open the first blue folder so he and Bucky could look over the amenities and details.

“I like paper. You’ve seen my place, it doesn’t exactly scream techie. I guess some things will change a little when TJ and Jack come back though.” Janie huffed her bangs from over her nose, “a lot of things are going to change.”

“I guess that happens when you get two roommates instead of just one.” Bucky said thoughtfully.

“Three.”

Both Steve and Bucky looked at her, confusion knitting their brows almost identically.

“Jack’s punishment in Gilboa? Well the woman got pregnant.” Janie broke a piece off the pastry Bucky offered her, “They’re going to bring the baby home when it- when _he_ is born.”

“Woah. Nobody mentioned that in the middle of the night.” Bucky said, shocked.

“Yeah, it probably got bumped down on the list of immediate importance by the bruised ribs, split lips, and blackened eyes.” Janie said, swiping through her photos to find the selfie that had made her cry when Jack and TJ sent it to her.

Steve looked at Janie and Bucky after taking in the brutal image, “What the hell?”

“A young soldier was interested in the things TJ and Jack were saying about having a sponsor to help with drinking problems and afterward a handful of the guys they were having lunch with cornered the kid in the alley and started berating and beating on him. Jack rushed in to pull him out, TJ got the kid out of the alley and sent him for help before getting into it too. TJ was either punched pretty hard or kicked in the ribs, they’re sore, but as far as anyone knows, it’s _just_ bruises. No internal injuries. They’re resting and being monitored in Jack’s old room.”

“Not the one he…” Bucky started, Janie saw his concern and interrupted with a small smile.

“No.” Janie put her hand on Bucky’s, “Not where he was imprisoned. They’re in his room at the mansion.”

“Mansion.” Bucky said with a shake of his head. “and they’re choosing to live in your little place? Just goes to show the value of good people, that they’d choose your cozy home over luxury.”

“They are pretty special.” Janie agreed.”

“I think he meant you.” Steve said, opening the next file. “So now that I’m no longer out of the loop, back to finding our own cozy place.”

“I know what he meant, and he knows I’m teasing. I’m done here, if you want to take your cups to go.” Janie said, clearing her breakfast sandwich wrappers and napkins. “We can look over the files on the train.”

“Well, let’s get started then.” Bucky said, taking his cup and standing next to her, “Thanks for cleaning up after me.”

“You bet.” She said, placing her hand into the crook of his left arm, “

Steve closed the file and tucked it under his arm before picking up his cup. He stopped to get a refill and then rushed out to meet the others.

He stayed back when he saw the two with their heads together.

“If you don’t want to take the train we can get a car, take a cab or we can take an Uber. It’s really ok.” Janie said quietly to Bucky, she’d seen him flinch again when she had mentioned it and wanted to give him all of the options.

“What good will that do? I’m planning to live in the city, I need to get used to the train.” Bucky touched one of the bouncy curls at her neck, “Thanks for being considerate, let’s start conquering this town.”

She looked up at him and smiled, she saw Steve standing back from them over Bucky’s shoulder. “You might as well kiss me, Steve’s giving us a wide berth.”

Bucky twined his fingers in her curls and lowered his mouth to hers, hesitating before making contact, he couldn’t take his eyes off her full lips, especially when her tongue darted out nervously. She put her fingers on his chin and closed the distance, taking his bottom lip between hers.

He hastened the kiss, with Steve standing by and them blocking a portion of the sidewalk. He wanted to linger and enjoy it but put the longing into his kiss before pulling away, “we should probably not subject him to too much of this.” He winked, and Janie laughed.

“Ok then, to the business at hand.” Janie said, turning to Steve and holding her hand out. Steve fell into step with them and Janie linked her hand through his arm as well as Bucky’s. “I’m so lucky; I have the best collection of boys.”

Bucky laughed and Steve shook his head, but his smile was soft.

The Brooklyn properties were across town from each other, which meant extra time on the streets, but they made the best of it by educating each other, Bucky and Steve told Janie about things from ‘back in their day’ and Janie let them know what she knew about the things they were seeing now. Bucky had to admit that this was the most productive part of their morning, because the places they looked at were so expensive.

When Bucky gave him the thumbs down on the first one, he immediately agreed. Steve liked the second one _better than_ the first, but he wasn’t sure. It seemed to have Bucky’s prerequisites and even though it was a little narrow here and there, he thought it might work. He told Janie to put the second one down as ‘possible’ before they left Brooklyn to look at the other locations.

Bucky discovered that the train wasn’t as disconcerting as he’d expected. It was much more like _home_ and far removed from a freight train in the alps. He also had distractions, as he had Janie holding his hand and lively discussion of the properties. He was more and more convinced he would be happy in the second Brooklyn apartment. He knew that Steve had some reservations about the odd size of the rooms, but he was certain those would be resolved once Steve saw the sizes and locations of the non-Brooklyn locations. The properties would have to excite either or both of them for the narrow common room and kitchen in the second Brooklyn location to be a huge detriment.

It turned out that the only selling point to either of the properties they saw later in the day was the one close to Janie, because of its location. Nothing screamed ‘this is home’ to either of them.

Janie noticed a lack of excitement as they left the last address, “I think either these are not doing it for you, or you’re both hungry. How about we make sandwiches at my place, eat and discuss the merits, or lack thereof, of each of the places we saw today.”

“That is a great idea.” Steve agreed, following Janie up the stairs from the apartment they’d just seen, to Janie’s place.

“I’m so glad you approve, Captain.” Janie teased.

“Why? Why is it that everyone has to use that in their jokes?” Steve asked with a dramatic flair.

“Because when they do it, it’s either you acting at your least ‘captain’, or you’re too ‘captain’ for the situation.” Bucky said over his shoulder before picking up his step to avoid a shove. The trio entered the apartment laughing, Steve and Bucky cleared the coffee table and Janie started pulling food from the refrigerator.

“You guys are capable of making your own sandwiches, right? I find it’s a subjective thing and everyone knows his own sandwich preferences far better than I could guess. However, I’ve heard I could probably just put _everything_ on one and you’d be happy Steve.”

“Ouch.” Steve laughed, “I see my reputation is being tarnished as it precedes me.”

“I was there when you did the telling, even if TJ did tell it more colorfully.” Janie said, stepping aside to give them access to the small counter space.

“By all means, if you’re hungry, make it as monstrous as you wish.” Janie teased, finding some sodas in the fridge. Her phone ringtone sounded as she took the bottles to the coffee table.

“Hey TJ, how are you feeling sweetie?”

“I’m ok. I can move around a little better now. Jack’s pacing.” TJ said.

Janie heard Jack in the background,

                “I’m not pacing, I’m just having a hard time getting comfortable.”

“He’s pacing.” TJ said again. “I just called to let you know we’re ok. I think we might not have made the most positive impression yesterday. While we’re feeling better after some sleep, we _look much worse_ today.”

“I’m sure you do. Bruises tend to work that way.”

“How’s the apartment hunting going?”

“We’re done with the footwork for today. We wrapped up in our building so we’re having a late lunch. I’ll replace your sodas before you get back.”

“Don’t even think about it, if they’re in the fridge, they’re fair game. I’ll let you get back to your lunch. Tell ’em ‘hi’ for us. I love you Janie.”

“I love you too Teej. Kiss Jack for me and give him my love.”

“Consider it done.” Janie heard, “Janie sends her love,” as TJ ended the call.

“TJ said to tell you guys ‘Hi’.” Janie said as she and Steve did the dance you do in a small space, she stood next to Bucky to fix her sandwich.

“How are they doing?” Steve asked from the sofa.

“I’m sure they’re still pretty sore, but TJ said they were feeling better, and looking worse.”

“Yup, that’s the way it goes.” Bucky added, taking his sandwich to the sofa. “I’m glad they think they’re feeling better. That feeling will pass after a couple of hours.”

“That’s the truth.” Steve added, recalling memories of his preserum days. “It’s easy to forget just how bad you felt too, until it takes its toll again.”

“I’d better text them and tell ‘em to be careful.” Janie said as she put the condiments and leftover deli meats back into the fridge. She pulled up a spot on the floor and picked up half of her reasonably sized sandwich. “After I eat.”

“So, where are we with what we’ve seen? Do you want to keep looking, or did you want to act on one of the places we saw today?” Bucky asked Steve, as he flipped through a folder with one hand, taking a bite of his not-so-reasonably sized sandwich out of the other.

“I’d like to tell you we could keep looking, but these are the best ones I’ve seen. I’m partial to the old neighborhood, but did you see anything you liked better?”

“Honestly, I don’t know what you had against the second one in Brooklyn, it was a little oddly sized, but it was bigger than I can remember living in, and two bedrooms? Woah, that’s hittin’ the big time. I don’t take up much space, so you can set up your art supplies anywhere, and you can take the room with the most light. Only thing I liked around here was downstairs, and I’d have to admit it’s just because it’s close to Janie.”

“Yeah, the more I think about it, that place in Brooklyn had a lot going for it, we can figure out the narrow rooms, and like you said, neither of us takes up too much space.”

“If you guys want, I could keep checking?”

“Thanks Janie, you’ve been a world of help already. The place in Brooklyn is starting to grow on me. Besides, it’s a rental, if we find something better, we can revisit.”

“Depending on the lease.” Janie added.

“Of course.”

They visited a while longer, not talking about rental properties any more. Bucky told Steve about Janie’s idea to go to a swing-dancing club with everyone.

“With the news you got last night, it might be a good thing, we could celebrate.” Steve felt the almost foreign excitement at the thought.

“He’s right!” Janie said gleefully, “Because we _should_ celebrate. You’d have to make sure Sam could make it too.”

“We would?” Bucky asked, with a raised brow.

“ _You_ would.” Janie commanded. “Because he worked hard to help find you and get you to a safe place, and because you’re just being a jerk, right?”

“You might be right.” Bucky smirked. His tone sobered, “Of course I’ll ask Sam to come along.”

“I think the news has done you a lot of good, Bucky. You seem so much more relaxed today, even with all the stimuli.”

“What do you mean? We spent the day in the city before?”

“You were focused on me, but you were still vibrating with a nervous energy. Today was nothing like that. Freedom sits well on your shoulders.”

“She’s right Buck. You’ve been more relaxed out in public than you have even alone with me at the penthouse.”

“Well,” Bucky scrunched his nose, “I’m not all that comfortable in the penthouse. Like I told Janie, I’m grateful to TJ but I was more comfortable sleeping here than I have been there. It’s just too much. However, I understand what you’re saying. Since talking to TJ, I’ve felt much more relaxed. I don’t exactly know what to do with myself.”

“Just let it come to you.” Janie said, scooting across the floor to sit at his knee. “We’ll be here for you if you need help.”

“I know, that’s also very disorienting. Having people to count on, it’s nearly foreign to me.”

Janie saw a hurt look cross Steve’s face before he masked it with his current mellow and supportive mood.

“That makes me mad.” Steve said after some consideration, “You should have always had someone to count on. It used to be me.”

“Stevie, don’t do this to yourself, you’d have been there if you’d known. Of all the things I’ve recovered, the keen knowledge that this is a fact is one of them.”

Janie couldn’t contain a small giggle and Bucky bumped her shoulder with his leg. She looked up at his curious face and laughed, “I am so sorry, this is inappropriate. You guys are talking, feelings and all, that’s good.”

“But?” Bucky asked, looking intently at Janie.

“But it’s just hard to look at _him_.” She gestured to Steve, “ _Captain America_ being called “ _Stevie_ ”.”

“You get a pass because you’ve been through some trauma, but you really shouldn’t laugh at Captain America.” Bucky said, trying as hard as he could to keep a straight face and serious tone.

His efforts were wasted, “Very funny, both of you.” Steve said in his most disappointed voice before shaking his head and trying to bite back a laugh.

Steve sobered up and leaned forward, to see around Bucky, “Janie, how are you holding up?”

“I’ve had my moments. It’s so hard, sometimes, to let myself off the hook. I know what I’d tell someone else, but I can’t find the way to follow the advice I’d give.” Janie answered sadly. “I know that’s normal too, but it doesn’t help. Today has been a really great and welcome distraction, so thank you both.”

“I don’t suppose you’d follow my advice either?” Steve asked.

“You’re going to tell me everything I already know, thank you. Soon enough, I’ll be able to think rationally. Right now, a little escapism is what’s needed. Today was a good start, maybe I’ll go to the movies tonight. You two are invited if you’d like to come along. I’d enjoy your company.”

Steve tried to wiggle out, thinking he’d be horning in on a date, but Janie convinced him that she’d go on a date with Bucky another night, that she wanted to continue with the chemistry of the day, and he wanted to go see this movie too, right? He couldn’t deny that the comedy did sound fun and Bucky joined in the campaign to get him to come out.

“We’re celebrating, low key celebrating, let’s go see the show. We’ll eat snacks and laugh. It’ll be good for everyone.”

As if Steve could ever resist Bucky’s lure to have a good time. More importantly, as if he would deny him, after all he’d been through. Today was one of the brightest days Steve had witnessed for Bucky and he’d be damned if he’d have anything to do with bringing things down.

“Well, you’re both right, I do want to see the movie, we’re having a good time, might as well keep it going.” Steve said with a tender smile, getting an approving nod from Bucky and a full-body hug from Janie in her excitement.

Steve was unsure how to proceed, he felt overwhelmed, gawky, and uncomfortable until he finally gave in to the instinct that was clawing its way through him. He hugged her back; warm and welcoming, and as close to a bear hug as he’d ever come.

Janie felt the moment that Steve’s resolve melted like butter, she smiled into his shoulder before pulling away, “I’m sorry, but then again, I’m not. Somebody needs to hug the stuffing out of you.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s been a long time since I’ve had someone hug me like that.”

“Been a long time since you _let_ anyone hug you like that.” Bucky responded, “Prickly bastard.”

Janie settled back against the sofa, looking up the movie on her phone. “Ok boys. We have a show starting in an hour, looks like our best bet. You two up for a short walk? We could leave now and get our snacks together. Be warned, I don’t have the healthiest habits at the theater.”

“Who thinks healthy at the theater?” Bucky scoffed. “If the concession stand is full to the brim with vegetables that aren’t popcorn we’re at the wrong place.”

“Honey, I don’t stop at popcorn. I like candy and pop too.”

“You mean soda.” Bucky said with finality.

“Let’s not get into _that_ debate, Brooklyn. You call it soda, I’ll call it pop, and we’ll both drink the same damned drink.” Janie said casually as she stood and stretched.

“You know ‘soda’ was first, right? ‘Pop’ came later.”

“Where do you get this from? You can’t remember two years ago but you know trivia about soda?” Janie taunted.

“Soda. See, you did it. I knew you had it in ya.” Bucky teased. “As for useless trivia? That’s why it sticks, it’s trivial. ‘Soda water, soda, phosphates, pop. Historically, I’m accurate and you’re just bein a boob.”

“Well, this boob is going to the movies, and leaving your historical ass behind if you don’t come along.”

Steve watched and listened, grinning. This was ‘Bucky’ at his best, just weeks out of solitary confinement, and _more_ sensory deprivation by Hydra, and he was blossoming into a version of himself that Steve recognized. “I’m with her. You can stay behind and debate sugary drinks with the empty room, or you can clam up and come along.”

“Now it’s you trying to get me to leave the house? Steve, role reversals are scary.” Bucky walked around the sofa, “You.” He said to Janie, “I wasn’t quite aware you had such a vocabulary.”

“You ain’t seen nothin yet.” She grinned, pulling her hoodie from the hook. “Thanks for this.”

Bucky gave her a quick peck on the cheek, “Any time, doll.”


	47. Chapter 47

Jack wandered the length of the windows in the bedroom, listening to TJ talk to Janie, “I’m not pacing, I just can’t get comfortable.”

Yes, he was pacing. He’d been uncomfortable and managed to wake himself up simply by turning over and smacking his own bruised face and he was in a pissy mood, so he was pacing. He continued to pace as TJ finished the call to Janie.

“Janie sends her love.” TJ said as he pushed himself up on the bed with a groan. “Hey.”

“Hey what?” Jack snapped.

“Sorry, I just… Janie sends her love.” TJ sounded wounded.

“I’m sorry Kitten.” Jack said as he crossed to the bed. “I’m not in the best mood. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

“It’s ok, you didn’t sleep well, it’s understandable.”

“No. I’m sorry and it’s not ok nor is it understandable that I would snap at you out of the blue like that.” Jack eased onto the edge of the bed next to TJ. “I’m tired and cranky, but I’m also a fucking adult. I have to own up to my shit. Is Janie ok?”

“Yeah, they finished their apartment hunt for the day. Maybe they’ll be our neighbors.”

“That would be nice. Unless… They don’t know about the baby. Might not be the types to enjoy a crying infant at all hours.”

TJ reached for Jack’s hand, careful of the split knuckles, he spread his fingers over the back. “You _are_ cranky, what can I do to ease your mind?”

Jack’s posture fell; he completely deflated, hissing at the way the physical reaction felt to his battered body. “Thank you TJ, but honestly, nothing.”

“Are you telling me you’re just going to ride this out alone?”

“There’s nothing you or anyone can do.”

“Come on, try to lie down again.” TJ understood the helpless, pained misery that Jack was experiencing. He knew he’d been as bad the day before. “Don’t put on a brave face for me, take a pill, and let it do its thing.”

“I did.” Jack turned his hand over in TJ’s, “I’m sorry, I’m such an ass. How are you feeling?”

“Sore. Worried about you. Homesick.”

“Yeah, homesick. We’ll go home soon. Fuck, I have to get those papers setup.”

“It’s just a phone call, let’s see if we can’t make our way into the other room, set up on the sofa for a while and you can make your call while I get some food sent our way. I’m surprised we haven’t been bombarded yet.”

Jack inhaled and exhaled a large breath, wincing slightly at all of the parts of his bruised and split body that responded. “Ok, let’s give it a shot. Are you sure you don’t want some help?”

“You can’t help, not in the condition you’re in. No, I can do it. I got up an hour ago to piss and it wasn’t any kind of fun but I managed. I just don’t want to be stuck in bed all day.”

“You know I can get someone to come help you. Hey, we should fly home with your mom, it’s bound to be more comfortable for both of us.” Jack considered.

“I was thinking the same.” TJ said as he waved Jack off for trying to help. “Don’t do that, I told you.”

Jack stepped aside and watched as TJ slowly progressed from the bed to the doorway.

“I just didn’t want to hurt us both if I couldn’t do it, Jack. I’m sorry.” TJ said as he braced himself in the door jamb, to catch his breath. “Last thing you need is me falling on top of you.”

“Yeah, that would be horrible.” Jack allowed a hint of humor to escape.

“It would be.” TJ said soberly, “but I like what you did there.”

TJ turned to enter the living room when they heard Elaine’s voice in the main doorway, “knock, knock.” She saw TJ and rushed to his side. “TJ you should call for help.”

“Morning Momma.” TJ tried to hide the extent of his discomfort, “I’m ok, just had to move.”

His actions belied his calm commentary; he leaned heavily on her shoulder and bit back a hiss when his ribs balked at the movement.

“I’d still prefer you have help.” She continued as she helped him get settled on the sofa. “At least Jack had the good sense not to try to get himself hurt trying.”

“No, he didn’t. I had to tell him ‘no’.” TJ said with a wince then a smile.

“How are you Jack?” Elaine asked when Jack nearly collapsed into the opposite corner.

“I’m miserable, thanks for asking.” He was proud that his tone had improved from earlier; his answer was just a simple truth. “I’m sure we both will be for a bit longer.”

“I came to see if you wanted anything special brought up for breakfast, and to check on you both.”

“We were about to figure that out, so yeah, if you want to supervise our breakfast, that would be great.” TJ replied. “I’m hungry.”

“Hungry is good, I can have that taken care of.” Elaine continued to fuss over TJ’s bruises but thankfully stopped short of making him raise his shirt and let her inspect something she couldn’t even see.

“We were just talking about flying back with you, if the offer is still open, we’d probably prefer the luxuries of the flight.”

“You know it is, as long as you get the all-clear to fly. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait and take a commercial flight. Do either of you have any special requests for breakfast?”

“Some of everything.” Jack said, secretly enjoying the fussing he was getting over his own injuries. “Please.”

“What he said.” TJ added. “Thank you.”

Jack laid his head on TJ’s lap as Elaine left the room, He was absentmindedly scrolling through his phone before his eyes closed when TJ’s fingers started running through his hair.

“You were going to make a phone call.” TJ said with a tender smile.

“I was looking for the number.”

“Funny,” TJ laughed carefully, softly, “I can’t imagine you’re going to find it with your eyes closed. You’d better voice-dial.”

“Challenge accepted.” Jack said, calling up the name for the attorneys Michelle had given him.

TJ listened as Jack made the call, laying his head against the sofa back, missing Janie’s less opulent, more comfortable, custom couch. Sure, being waited on was always nice, but the past few months, getting out from under his parents, hiding at the house on Grandpa Hammond’s farm, and slipping into a small but not too tiny apartment in New York had become part of his survival. Not only that, needing to actively work to feed himself, if not by getting a job, then by going into the kitchen and cooking or simply building a sandwich had become a new kind of comfort. If he wasn’t feeling broken right now, he might have instigated some breakfast making between him and Jack.

Soon, he’d have to cook for a kid, and it sounded so nice. He continued thinking about it, tripping over each other in Janie’s apartment, a small version of Jack sitting in a high chair making noises and eating or maybe flinging the food they made for him. He heard Jack end his call and call Lucinda with the promised information. They’d be doing it in two days. Jack started talking about the events from yesterday afternoon, of course it had made the media, of course it would hit her, what did she think of them now?

TJ waited anxiously (for what seemed like forever) until the call ended, “She heard about yesterday, what kind of damage has been done?”

“None, she was just asking after both of us. The media was decent to us, I mean they could have lied, but they didn’t.”

“We’re still good to go then?”

“Yeah. Why? Having second thoughts?”

“No, having paternal thoughts.”

“You’re amazing.” Jack said, looking up at TJ. “You know that?”

“Hardly.” TJ said with a small smile, he kept trailing his fingers through Jack’s hair. “I’m just a sap.”

“I already knew that.” Jack smiled and groaned. “I need to stop smiling. And talking.” He pressed the heel of his hand against the spot on his lip that kept opening. TJ pulled his hand away, avoiding the cuts on Jack’s knuckles and touched a tissue to the injured spot.

“You just need to be careful.” TJ thought about how he _would_ have leaned forward and kissed Jack’s lip if he _could_ have. He wasn’t that flexible right now. It was probably for the best since breakfast trailed in behind his mom and Michelle. It looked like there was literally some of everything. TJ smiled. “Food.” He whispered to Jack whose eyes were closed.

Jack had enjoyed the peace and the soft scratches and tugs at his hair. TJ had kept him calm through both phone calls, and his gentle tending to Jack’s lip was welcome as well. He'd nearly fallen asleep and he didn’t want to sit up, but he _did_ want to eat. He carefully pulled himself into a seated position. “You took me seriously?”

“I did.” Elaine confirmed. “I figured you’d have stopped me before I left if you weren’t serious.”

“He’s on drugs Momma.” TJ said with a naughty smile.

“One pill TJ.” Jack scoffed as Michelle sat between the two, looking Jack over.

“It’s a hell of a pill.” TJ continued. “Thanks for this.” He said as his mom helped him stand and cross the room to the table by the window.

“You know you don’t have to thank me.”

“Yes I do. You might be available more if I’m pleasant.” TJ teased.

“It shouldn’t matter what mood you present, I should be available more when you _need_ me, not just for emergencies, but any time.”

“You’re the president.” TJ said as though it were rehearsed, or maybe it was just ingrained.

“I’m your mother.” Elaine had seen the changes in her son, she had seen things she hadn’t allowed herself to see before, and she missed that she didn’t allow herself to be a part of the process. “I’m going to do better. I’m not just saying the words Thomas, I mean it. You’re making me a grandmother and I still have lessons to learn about being a mother.”

“I hope you do mean it, I’d like a better relationship with you, things got sticky, I lashed out. I’m going to try harder too.”

Michelle was satisfied with the status of Jack’s injuries and sat gingerly back against the sofa next to him. “Same goes here, we’ve lost too much Jack.” She said quietly.

“I agree. Being back really brings that to light.” Jack said with a sad sigh. “What we have is all we’ve got; we need to make the best of it.”

Jack forced himself to get up from the sofa and take a seat across from TJ, “Where’s Eli?” he asked as he helped himself to the array of foods.

“He’s with David. I’ll bring him up in a little while. I wanted to make sure you were up to seeing him.”

“Are you kidding? Always.”

“I didn’t mean emotionally, I meant physically.” She said with a quiet laugh. “He thinks you’re his own personal playground.”

“That’s true.” Jack considered, “Nevertheless, I want to see him. I’ll deal with the aftermath on my own terms.”

Jack smirked at his sister’s exasperated sigh. He was getting used to allowing the concern of others in, but wasn't sure how to respond to them. “Come on Michelle, he's a breath of fresh air. He might be a little clumsy about it, but I can deal with the consequences.”

“Remember you said as much.” She scolded as she swiped a strip of bacon from his plate. “Tariff for future whining.”

“I hope the dictatorship ends at the door.” Jack said with an appropriate whine. He brushed his stockinged toe along TJ’s bare foot under the table, grinning when TJ cocked an eyebrow.

“Your sense of humor is still damaged from the fight Jack. You'll want to stay off it for a few days.” Michelle cautioned.

TJ laughed at her, not only the comment, but also her flawless delivery. Jack flashed him a look that just made him laugh more and groan from the pain that it caused his ribs.

“Serves you right, you're not supposed to laugh at her jokes when they're at my expense.”

“Now who's the dictator?” TJ asked hissing as he laughed again.

“I rest my case.” Jack said with more care than humor. He touched TJ’s foot with his again. “You ok?”

“I'm fine,” TJ said casually, “overdid it with the laughing maybe. I'll live.”

“You wouldn’t lie to me, in front of your mother?”

“I’m fine Jack. Looking forward to settling back in on the sofa, but I thought I’d behave as civilized as possible and eat at the table.”

“You know you get a pass,” Elaine said as she rested her hand on TJ’s shoulder.

“I might, but I can’t imagine it being comfortable juggling a plate on my lap versus sitting at the table. I assure you, I’ll live. So what are your plans for today? Please don’t say hovering over me.”

“Is that not an option?” Elaine asked, walking to the window and looking out over the garden view.

“ _No_. That is _not_ an option.” TJ stated. “and where is Dougie? I haven’t seen him.”

“David’s been keeping him busy.” Michelle answered, “they’ve hit it off quite well, not to mention, Douglas has quite a bit of experience and David’s eager to learn from him.”

“Dougie’s good at what he does. I’m sure David’s got his work cut out for him. If they get a minute, maybe you can suggest my brother come and see me? I guess he’s the only one who believes I’ll live through this since he hasn’t been to see me.”

“He’s coming up later.” Elaine said, “He’s letting us “mother hens” have the first shift.”

“In other words, he doesn’t want to bear witness to the coddling.” TJ determined.

“You may be right.” Elaine admitted. “I’ll leave you two alone, if you think you can handle it.”

“I don’t mind a little coddling, but yeah, we can handle it.” TJ answered, “For a little while at least. Thank you both.”

Once they were alone, TJ put his elbows on the table, and his head in his hands. Jack leaned forward, “You’re not ok.”

“I’m not. I still hurt, and I’m tired but I’m sick of being tired and tied to the bed. I’m fine, honestly, but I still feel some stupid sense of duty to maintain my posture and bearing. I know Michelle's your sister, but somehow, since she's the leader of one country and my mother is the leader of another, my mind won't let my body forget it. I’m just glad they’ll leave us alone for a couple of hours.”

“You’d tell me if it were more than that, right?”

“I would. God Jack, I’m so close to taking something, but I’m afraid anything even remotely safe won’t touch this and anything that will work will set me back.”

“Call the doctor. Or I will.”

“Jack. I’m doing this my way.”

“You’re going to complicate things, unbearable pain isn’t an option TJ. It’s going to make matters worse. Treat the pain, with the doctor and with my support, and with your strength, we’ll make sure you come away from this ok. You know it’s not a relapse if it’s prescribed and controlled, right? Call your therapist, I’ll call the doctor, we’re going to get you through this. Who do you trust to keep and administer it?”

“You. Janie, my mom, Dougie.” TJ said from behind his hands. “I don’t want to put them through this.”

“If you’re not in pain, we drop it.”

“Jack, can’t we drop it anyway?” Jack wasn’t certain but he thought TJ was crying. He ignored his own discomfort and went to TJ’s side. He put his arm across TJ’s shoulders and when TJ leaned into him, held him, rubbed his thumb over TJ’s cheek.

“It’s ok, you’re hurting, the pain is real, and it’s important that you treat it. I’ve got your back sweetheart.”

“I know it’s not a relapse, but it could become one.” TJ sniffed.

“It won’t, because you have help, you have a support system. Me, Janie, your mom, Douglas. You’re not putting anyone through anything by treating yourself gently. You are by choosing to suffer, that’s hard to watch Kitten.”

“I’ve never been so emphatic about not taking something before.” TJ looked up at Jack.

“You really want this sobriety, and I love you for that. Call your therapist, call Janie, I’ll wait on the doctor until you’re done with those calls, ok?” Jack caressed TJ’s face, “I just want you to feel two steps closer to human. I know it hurts like hell.”

“It does.” TJ admitted, “Help me back to the sofa?”

“I thought you didn’t want my help.”

“I must be delirious. Just make sure I don’t fall or hurt you even more.” TJ’s request sounded feeble. Jack stood by his side as TJ pulled himself from the chair and steadied himself. “This was a bad idea, just let me do it.”

“Stop being maudlin. I’m here, I can help you cross the room.”

TJ snuggled into the corner of the sofa with his legs stretched across half of the center cushion. He called Janie right away.

“I’m sorry if I woke you or anything Janes.” He said when she answered.

“You’ve got to stop apologizing. Are you ok? You sound…”

“I’m not. It’s just a lot of pain Janie. I’m thinking about calling the doctor for something for the pain. Jack says he’s going to do it for me. I’m scared.”

“Honey, you’re hurting. You shouldn’t suffer, it can be done you know.”

“Problems. Half of the people I trust are recovering. I can’t ask you to maintain my prescription and have it become an issue for you. I can’t do that. I can’t bring it home…”

“TJ. Honey, stop. You’re in pain, we deal with that first. I want you to come home, but if it’s going to give you added anxiety over the prescription and my ability or inability to operate with it in the apartment, you should stay where you are, or somewhere else where you won’t feel that added anxiety and responsibility. Don’t let _my_ addiction be the reason you suffer unbearable pain. I can guarantee you, though, I’m responsible for my own actions.”

“I know, but you shouldn’t have to deal with the temptation.”

“Think about one thing right now. TJ. Think about TJ. You’re in pain, have you tried safer, over the counter meds? See if the doctor thinks that will help. If not, follow the doctor’s discretion. What does your therapist say?”

“I called you first. You’re not just my sponsor, you’re my friend, and we live together. I wanted your advice in all of those areas. This is going to affect all of those things.”

“I say take care of you. I’m open for anything that includes. We’ll get you through this sweetheart.”

TJ rested his head against the pillow Jack tucked behind him, “That’s what Jack said too.”

“See? You’re not alone. Remember that. Talk to the therapist, talk to your doctor. You have a strong team behind you TJ. House rules are lifted for a doctor approved prescription, can Jack handle it?”

“He’s volunteered. He’s been monitoring his own prescription, and by my choice, I don’t know where he keeps it. Thanks Janie, I’ll call the therapist.”

“Keep me informed, no matter what time it is.”

“I will, thanks Janes.”

By the time TJ was finished with his call to his therapist, the doctor was being escorted into the room. Jack had wasted no time calling, or the doctor was kept housed in a tower in the building, TJ was afraid to ask which it was.

“TJ, I hear the pain is getting the best of you.” The doctor said from the side of the sofa.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that. I’m contemplating the inexcusable.”

“Don’t think of it that way. Can I take a look? Is this a good spot?”

“If it’s good for you, have at it.” TJ cringed as he moved to sit on the edge of the sofa cushion. He flinched as the stethoscope touched his skin and hissed at the pain his action caused.

“Still sounds good,” The doctor said encouragingly as he palpated the injured area. “Nope, you haven’t done anything new.” He determined. “I can suggest an over the counter pain medication, if you think that’s a step you want to try first. You don’t want to take too many of those and damage your liver, so if they don’t work don’t increase the dose, call me and we’ll look at something stronger. If you want to skip that step, I can have someone in the house administer the correct dose at the prescribed time, you’ll want to partner with your therapist and have someone responsible once you leave the house.”

“What is the likelihood the OTC will work?”

“Given your history of self-medication, I’m not convinced they will, but every _body_ is different. You’d have to give it a shot if you’re strongly against a narcotic. I do understand and respect your reluctance. This can work, TJ.”

I’ve spoken with my therapist, I’m going home in a few days, and I’ll be seeing him daily if I go on a narcotic. Jack will administer the dose and keep the pills away from me. I don’t want to, I honestly don’t want to slip, and I’m afraid this is the first step.”

“I understand, TJ. Do you want to try ibuprofen first then?”

TJ recognized the war inside his head for what it was worth, part of him wanted to say screw it, no, fuck the ibuprofen. However, the other part, the one that was proud of Jack for his announced sobriety, the part that was excited about their coming child, the part of him that had fought for over a year and a half to be sober said “Yes.”

He saw Jack’s shoulders drop, he smiled in spite of himself, “Jack, I’m not dying. If these don’t work there’s still the other option.”

“What? I didn’t say anything.” Jack said, offended.

“I saw you.”

“Well, stop looking at me then. I’m behind you whatever you choose, you know that.”

“Good, then this is my choice. Narcotics are a last ditch effort.”

TJ ignored Jack’s frustrated sigh, he knew he wasn’t supposed to notice it, he knew Jack just desperately wanted to help. TJ just couldn’t shake the feeling, even though Janie and his therapist had both said he couldn’t take Janie’s (and Jack’s to be honest) sobriety on in addition to his own. He shouldn’t be trying to be responsible for more than one recovering addict when he was also trying to recover from injuries, but he couldn’t get past the idea that if the drugs were there, and someone other than him slipped, it would be his fault.

The doctor finished checking TJ and at TJ’s insistence, gave Jack a quick check to make sure things were fine with him too. “How are you handling the pain medication?” he was asked. TJ thought the doctor meant how was he keeping them away from TJ, so Jack’s answer, “I think they’re working adequately, I’m not taking them as often as prescribed, at least I haven’t, maybe because I’ve been sleeping.” Threw him off.

Jack was told to remember that he was injured too, and to stop trying to be TJ’s physical support. “By the time you’re able to physically support TJ without risking damage to yourself is about when TJ won’t need someone to support him.”

TJ was told to get someone else in the house to help him from the sofa to the bedroom and back, the distance between the bed and the bathroom wasn’t as great, so use his own judgement there. He was given ibuprofen and told to use more cold packs for at least another couple of days, and then if he had it at his disposal, he could start heat therapy, warm packs and a hot tub were suggested.

After the doctor left, TJ looked at Jack across the sofa, “You’re mad.”

“I’m not. I’m concerned.”

“I promise if the pain isn’t made bearable in a reasonable amount of time we’ll call the doctor back. It’s easier to do it this way than to take it back later. I’m not in any kind of life-threatening situation where I’m refusing a perfectly viable cure; I’m just choosing to play it safe with my addiction.”

“I know.” Jack pulled TJ’s legs across his lap, “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to push you to break protocol. I want you to play it safe; I also don’t want to see you suffer, so there’s a bit of a struggle for me.”

“I’ll suffer more if I slip.” TJ wiggled his toes in Jack’s fingers, “This is just a nuisance compared to what could happen if I make one wrong move. Doc says the pain should subside sooner than later anyway.”

“I know, you’ve promised, I won’t say any more. Just don’t torture yourself, please.”

“I won’t. I think now that I have a full belly, some ibuprofen in my system and a good foot masseuse, I’m going to take a nap.”

“It can’t hurt.” Jack said quietly.

“You should too,” TJ yawned and winced at the pain it caused, “you’re not much better off than me, other than your quality of pain meds.”

Jack’s sympathy yawn might have been a little bit less ‘ _sympathy_ ’ than yawn, “I might do that. Are you sure you’re going to be comfortable here?”

“No, I’m not sure, but I don’t want anyone else coming up for a few hours. I’ll manage. You can go lie down if you want.”

“I’ll just settle in here, there’s room.” Jack set one leg on the sofa against the back with TJ’s legs still crossing the leg that remained on the floor. He continued to massage TJ’s feet idly after rearranging the throw pillow behind his back with a little groan.

“Room, but no comfort.”

“No, it’s not so bad, twisting to fix the pillow wasn’t so great though.” Jack looked TJ over, “I love you. In case you forgot.”

“I couldn’t forget, you’ve been hovering with the best of them.” TJ said, his eyes closed, head back on the pillow. “I appreciate it, even if I don’t act like it. When I stop feeling sorry for myself I’ll repay the favor.”

“TJ, feeling pain isn’t the same as feeling sorry for yourself. I’ve had the benefit of a temporary chemical pain-blocker, you haven’t. You’ll be all sorts of annoying soon enough.” Jack said emphatically, tugging on TJ’s foot.

“I love you too Jack.”

“Well I was starting to wonder.”

. . .

Two days later, TJ and Jack were dressed for business, the first time TJ had worn clothes since the incident, he’d been happy to lounge about in pajamas or less. The ibuprofen had worked well enough that he could at least sleep better than if he’d had nothing, and he counted that as a win. Now they sat in the living room of Lucinda’s modest apartment as their attorney and hers explained the documents in a way that there could be no misunderstanding. Lucinda’s parents and Michelle were present to witness and what they saw was three adults sitting harmoniously on the sofa, each listening intently and sharing glances when points were made. The trio signed the paperwork and even hugged when everything was through.

“I can’t say I’m happy to be losing my grandson,” Lucinda’s mom said to Michelle, “But she was going to give him up, no matter what, at least he’ll be with family.”

“I’m sure TJ, if not Jack, will be happy to let you visit with him when they come to visit.” Michelle replied, “I’m pretty sure Jack would be ok with it too. He’s changed.”

“I’m glad he found someone, I’m equally glad that he and Lucinda aren’t together any more, he would never have made her happy, because he’d never have been happy.” Lucinda’s father added.

“It’s clear she still loves him.” Mrs. Wolfson said. “Hopefully that will work for them in this new agreement. It’s not a traditional family, but maybe it’s what she needs.”

“I don’t know.” Michelle said, “It seems to me that a traditional family consists of parents loving, and doing right by a child, I’d say this is as traditional as they come.”

“We’re blessed to have someone with your heart leading our country. I pray you have all the support you need.” Mrs. Wolfson responded.

Jack had heard the last few comments as he’d broken away from the conversation TJ and Lucinda were having. He put an arm across Michelle’s back. “Thank you for this. Thank all of you for being open and understanding. Mr. and Mrs. Wolfson, I’m sorry for the troubles I put your daughter through, it was a terrible time. Thank you for supporting Michelle, she’ll do well with people like you behind her.”

TJ looked at the group of family gathered for support and smiled, “We’ve got an audience.” He said to Lucinda.

“I'm sure it's nothing new for either of us. I’m surprised your mother didn’t come.”

“I asked her to come late. I didn’t want you to feel overwhelmed. You’re making a huge decision; I didn’t think you needed too many people with so much _presence_ here, especially on _our side_. It can be imposing.”

“TJ, you’re a good person. You’ve been a good influence on Jack and I’m excited to see what kind of dad you’ll be.”

“I don’t have experience and my role model is a bit iffy. I truly hope you won’t regret saying that.” TJ said with a smile. The doorbell rang as punctuation, “and there’s my mom. If you’d like I could let her in.”

“Thank you TJ, that’s ok, I think I can manage, besides, you’re still recovering, and you should sit.” Lucinda smiled, touching TJ’s arm before moving to answer the door.

“I’m fine.” He said as she walked away. He was better than he’d been two days ago, didn’t hurt as much just existing. He’d even survived two visits from Eli. Jack had needed to take his pain meds at prescribed intervals afterward, instead of just when needed for pain. Eli loves his uncle Jack in a very active way.

TJ remained standing where Lucinda had left him. He knew a hug would be imminent, sitting would just be a waste of energy, and he was still treating himself as fragile. He heard the women introducing themselves as they crossed the space between the door and the main part of the living room. TJ took his mom’s gentle hug and kissed her before sitting back in his seat, watching the flurry of greetings across the room. Michelle rescued him from being alone when she sat down next to him. “You feel a little outside?”

“No, not as much as I worried Lucinda would. I’m receiving an amazing gift; she’s signing her child away. Do you think my mom understands why I asked her to come late?”

“I believe she does. You’re a very kind person TJ.”

“I don’t know about that, just, I’ve been on the outside and I know what it’s like.”

“You’re kind. You wouldn’t go out of your way to make ‘the other woman’ feel good if you weren’t kind.” She was half-teasing, “even if you do know how it _all_ feels.”

“I’m so glad you and Jack worked things out. I’m going to love having you for a sister.” TJ smiled wearily.

“Good. You’re tired, what was the doctor’s latest?”

“I’m good to go home with mom, Jack too. Don’t worry we’ll be back. I promise, next time we won’t drag a whole lot of drama through your streets. How is Christian?”

“He’s doing well. I don’t want you to worry about him, David is going to see that things take a different tone, there’s going to be some education handed down to the young soldiers and resources will be available for all of them, no matter what their needs may be. Young people have been overlooked in Gilboa, from alcohol and drug related issues to sexuality, and that’s going to stop. My brother wouldn’t have had it so rough if there had been more understanding and acceptance. Likewise a young soldier like Christian shouldn’t be afraid to find help for substance abuse either.”

“Your country is going to embrace the youth, I like that. I’m not sure how the senior members of your society will react. I wish you all the luck.”

“I’m going to need it.” Michelle finished the unspoken thought with a tender smile. “Thank you TJ.”

“Thank you, Michelle.” TJ said, taking her hand in his. “For everything.”

Jack left the senior members of the room to talk with Lucinda and escorted the lawyers from the apartment, thanking them for making the trip and for making things easy for everyone. Returning to the room, he sat one hip on the arm of the sofa, putting a hand on TJ’s shoulder. His bruises were tender and he was done being a responsible adult for a few hours, he just wanted to get back to their room and maybe have a large stack of fruit and waffles sent to the room and just turn everything off until their flight the next morning. He could tell Lucinda would be happy to have her home back too. “We should be done here.” He said quietly to Michelle, “You wanna help me break the news to them?”

“I’ll get my mom.” TJ said, bracing himself on Jack’s thigh as he stood up. “Sorry, you were in the way.” He said with a smirk.

TJ stood at his mom’s elbow, waiting for a lull in the conversation the expectant grandparents were having. “Mom, we’re getting ready to go. I'm sure Lucinda would like to get back to her afternoon plans.”

Lucinda smiled gratefully at TJ, and Elaine put her hand on top of TJ’s where it rested on her arm, “You’re right. It was a pleasure to meet you all. Thank you for being so supportive.”

TJ endured the gracious back-and-forth between the parents with a smile on his face. He’d already been homesick and then everything that had happened had just made him more anxious to go home. Not that servant provided food and the round-the-clock nursing from his mom hadn’t been welcome, it was nice, he just wanted to go home, collapse on his bed in his small room and have Jack to himself. Have Janie trying to hug him without messing him up, and to slip into the kitchen in his underwear for a sandwich if he was hungry.

He had spent the hours he couldn’t sleep, and could handle sitting up, looking for equipment, and plotting his first video. He’d answered a series of six emails regarding meeting with a playwright to work with him on a musical, but he hadn’t told anyone about it yet. Not even Jack.

He was still thinking about this when they arrived back at Alder.

“TJ?” Jack tried to catch TJ’s attention. “Hey, was today too much?”

“Huh?” TJ shook himself mentally, “Sorry, what?”

“I’d asked if you were up for waffles and you didn’t answer. Are you ok?”

“Yes, waffles. Yeah, I was just thinking about work.” TJ said after he followed Jack out of the car.

“Not stressing about being a good provider again are you?”

TJ snickered, “no, not that. I was just thinking about an email. How about you get the waffle situation under control and then I’ll tell you about it.”

“I can do that.” Jack detoured to the kitchen before heading up to their room.

TJ was accompanied by Elaine to the hallway outside his room, where Douglas met them both. “Hi Mom, Hey TJ. How did it go?”

“It went smoothly, I’m officially an expectant father, I guess. I hope she didn’t feel railroaded.”

“TJ; Douglas and I read over the paperwork, there’s nothing there that would indicate any such thing.”

“I know Momma, it’s just, I don’t know. She’s a nice girl and I just don’t want to take advantage.”

“TJ, she’s giving the child up, whether it was to you and Jack, who has rights as the biological father, or someone else, she chose the option that wouldn’t add stress to anyone’s lives.” Douglas said, opening the door. “Here, let me help you.”

“I’m fine Dougie. Two days ago, I needed to lean on someone; thank you for being there. Today, I’m happy to say I’m just sore.”

“Ok, if you say so.” Doug stepped aside. “I wouldn’t worry so much about Lucinda Wolfson; I don’t believe either you or Jack ever railroaded her in any way.”

“Damn right we didn’t.” Jack said from the doorway, “Who says we did?”

“TJ said he hoped she didn’t feel railroaded.” Doug supplied, even though TJ was trying to wave him off.

“I feel for her, ok?”

“I know you do.”  Jack said, sitting at TJ’s side. “She’s going to be well compensated, she hasn’t changed her mind about giving the child up, and he might as well stay with us. Because you feel for her and are soft-hearted, she’s going to get visitation rights, and because my sister is almost as soft-hearted as you, her parents might as well.”

“It’s the least we can do; none of them intended any harm.” TJ said, “What’s the ETA on the waffles? Are we all flying out tomorrow?”

“Waffles will be up as soon as they’ve been made, all the possible toppings too. We all?? Who are you expecting to back out?”

“I just wondered if everyone here would be on the plane tomorrow.” TJ leaned back against the pillow on the sofa.

“We’ll all be on the flight.” Douglas confirmed. "In case that’s our cue, I’ll go now, and take mom with me.”

“It wasn’t anyone’s cue, I’m just… there’s a lot going on in my head and I was trying to streamline it a little.”

“We’ll leave you to it.” Elaine agreed, “You still need to rest. I know – you’re fine.”

“I am fine.” TJ said to Jack after they’d left.

“I’m glad you are. I’m sore and tired. I want to eat and then pass out until tomorrow.” Jack put his feet on TJ’s legs.

“When did you have time to take your shoes off?” TJ grumbled.

“When I came in, they’re by the door.” Jack sat up and gestured for TJ to put his feet up.

“No, come on, you were getting comfortable.”

“TJ, do it.” Jack encouraged. TJ put his feet up on the sofa and Jack took his shoes, tossing them over the back of the sofa. “Gonna be hard to get used to picking up after myself again.”

“No it won’t. The space is so much smaller. You’re gonna want to keep obstacles to a minimum.” TJ sighed when Jack’s fingers pressed into the balls and arches of his feet. “You have to stop that. I was going to do that for you.”

“Too bad. Now it’s only me who will have to wash their hands before the food arrives.”

“Are you kidding? I definitely have to, having shaken so many hands, first step if I wasn’t so wiped out.”

“and your family wasn’t hovering.” Jack patted TJ’s feet and put his up next to TJ’s thigh. “Ok, since you have to wash your hands anyway, my turn.”

TJ yawned, partially feigning disinterest, and partially because he was tired. “I guess I was pushing things to think I was ok all of a sudden. I do feel better than the last couple of days, but that took a lot out of me.”

“Good, you’re being honest. Tomorrow, at least the flight is pretty luxurious. Just don’t let your pride get in your way, ok?”

“You think you have me all figured out.” TJ said, rubbing Jack’s feet idly. They were both quiet for long moments following TJ’s last comment. TJ started to think Jack had fallen asleep, but he was alert when the door opened with a faint knock.

“Table or bedroom?” Jack asked after the food was delivered.

“Table, it takes too much to balance food and manage this bruised body at the same time.”

“So you said something about an email?” Jack asked after they were seated in front of plates of peach and raspberry waffles.

“A half dozen of them, actually. I feel guilty not saying something before now, but I was trying not to be too invested, or get too excited. We know what happened the last time I did that.”

“You mean the last time you had a human nature reaction to something your dreams are made of? Yeah, you had your heart broken. Don’t feel guilty for taking things slowly.”

I was contacted by a friend of a friend. He knows this playwright who is looking for someone to score a musical he’s working on. I had him forward me the guy’s information and I then contacted him. I shared some music files with him and he and I have been emailing. He wants to meet when we’re home, and see if we can’t work together.”

“TJ. That sounds like exactly what you’ve been wanting.” Jack couldn’t contain the excitement or pride in his voice. “This is the best news.”

Jack’s smile warmed TJ’s heart. TJ was happy to let Jack get excited in his place, because TJ wasn’t allowing himself to get too over the top this time. “It’s a promising conversation.”

“That’s all you’re going to say about this?” Jack leaned forward in his chair, his fork paused midway between his plate and his mouth. “Promising conversation?”

“I told you, I’m not going to be anything but realistic.” TJ said before biting into fruit-laden waffles. “Besides.” He said through the mouthful before stopping – he held a hand up to pause while he finished the bite, “Besides, you _just_ _said_ ‘don’t feel guilty for taking things slowly’, so which is it?”

“I lost myself in the excitement.” Jack grinned.

“Yeah, well, how about I let you get excited, and I’ll just play it cool.” TJ stated, biting into another fork-full of food, “Mmm. This is so good.” He said around the food.

“Yeah, I miss this. My dad was the breakfast fiend, but sometimes when he was too busy, we’d get chef prepared foods. Not that his breakfasts weren’t good, he knew his way around the kitchen, knew what we liked…” Jack trailed off.

“You ok?” TJ asked after a few minutes of silence. “I know it’s gotta be rough.”

“Yeah, it is, two sides of the same man, you know? I was like that too, two distinct sides. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be _that dad._ ”

“You won’t be. I don’t understand everything you’re saying, but _that_ sentiment, I get. I _don’t_ want to be _that dad_ either, practically said as much to Lucinda today. Jack, it’s ok to miss him, without making excuses. It’s ok to be so angry over his treatment of you but to miss him anyway.”

“Something for the therapist.” Jack said, dismissively.

“Yeah, I’m here too, if you need.”

“I know.” Jack pushed away from the table, plate empty, full stomach suddenly threatening to revolt. He walked into the bedroom untying his tie.

TJ watched Jack go as he finished his last bite. He had decided over the past week that he’d call his dad when they got home. He didn’t want to leave things hanging the way they were, if, god forbid, anything were to happen. He didn’t want uncertainty and hard feelings to be the last thing between them.

He groaned as he stood up from the table, definitely too much activity after the past few days. When TJ entered the bedroom, Jack was standing at the window wearing only his suit pants. TJ approached and put his arms around Jack’s middle, careful to avoid the bruises he knew were still there.

“Hey.” TJ said softly.

“Hey. I forgot to say ‘Thanks’.” Jack said, leaning into TJ’s embrace. “I didn’t mean to dismiss you.”

“I didn’t see it that way. Some things need to stay yours until you can share. If you ever can.” TJ tucked his chin against Jack’s shoulder. “I just… you know that if you want, I’ll listen.”

“I know.” Jack wanted to let TJ know in those two words just how much he _did_ know and appreciated it. He knew that was impossible, “I hope you know… that means the world to me Kitten.”

“Tomorrow can’t come soon enough.” TJ said quietly against Jack’s skin. “You said you were tired, come on, let’s steal a catnap.”

Jack let TJ pull him backward a step before turning and unbuttoning the collar of TJ’s shirt. “I love you.”

“You know, the month we’ve been together feels like we’ve known each other forever, but it’s just been a month. Look at everything that’s happened to us.”

“I know. I hope that things slow down now. I can’t imagine a life filled with months like this. There’s bound to be quiet times too, right?”

“If you consider I’m just coming off a move, you’re coming away from something entirely more dramatic, yeah, things will quiet down. You’re prince in name only; you don’t have the responsibilities that come with it. Does that mean we don’t get the perks?”

“You’re the son of the president, you ran away from perks.” Jack scolded, resting his hands on the silk of TJ’s shirt.

TJ closed his eyes to the warmth of Jack’s hands on his chest. “I know. Perks just get you into trouble.  For the most part, good seats at events are good perks though. I’ll keep those.”

Jack laughed as he finished unbuttoning TJ’s shirt. His hand scarcely touched TJ’s skin above an ugly purple bruise that ran just below his right nipple to the tip of his rib cage and wrapped around the side. “My poor kitten.” He crooned.

“I’m fine.” TJ tossed the concern aside.

“You keep saying that, we’re alone, you don’t have to put on a show for your mom, or your brother. I’ve been with you this whole time and I know you’re not _fine_. Let me feel sorry for you for a minute, and your bruised skin, painful muscles and _still_ bruised ribs, won’t you?”

“If you have to.” TJ capitulated. “I can’t see that there’s any stopping you.”

Jack nudged the shirt over TJ’s shoulders, “You can’t deny having help with that is good.”

“I can’t. I hate putting a shirt on with this, I can’t imagine why the pain radiates to my shoulders, but I guess I was jacked up pretty good.”

“You shouldn’t have gone in.”

“I know you think so, but you were on your own.”

“I appreciate that. I do, but you could have gotten hurt even worse, your boarding school fighting skills aren’t exactly a match for combat soldiers. I’m not trying to belittle you, just… if I’d known you were in it at the time… TJ.” Jack closed his eyes to the thoughts of what could have happened, “When I saw him on top of you…”

“You lost it, I know.”

“Scared you, didn’t I?” Jack’s hand moved to caress TJ’s cheek.

“I was afraid, afraid I’d lose you to rage and what it resulted in.” TJ covered Jack’s hand with his own, “I was as angry Jack.”

“Maybe close, you didn’t need to be called out though.”

“Ok, I know for a fact that you have anger issues. You’ve discussed it. I have faced some rage demons in my past as well, mostly drug related, but let’s not turn this into a competition. I would have killed for you. I felt it. Luckily, neither of us had to prove anything so horrific that day.”

“One more reason I have to keep that therapy appointment. I’m going to be a father, I can’t just _have_ anger issues.”

“I’m proud of you, Jack.” TJ kissed Jack sweetly.

“Thank you, Kitten.” Jack said into TJ’s kiss. “We need to stop this.”

TJ pulled away first, even though it was Jack who’d spoken, he unfastened his pants and let them fall where he stood, then stepped out of them. “I know. Ruined three or four perfectly good days we could have had to ourselves.”

“Oh well, we know how to get away from things.” Jack was smiling at TJ’s lazy undressing, even as they were talking about not being able to enjoy each other’s bodies. “You’ll be working soon and I can pay for anything, including luxuries, in the meantime.”

“You could call in those royalty perks, maybe.” TJ said as he sat carefully on the edge of the bed. This pain was a reminder why he had to walk away from Jack. He let out a breath, “I hate this.”

“I know.” Jack sat next to TJ, “trust me, I know. It only hurts a little less than it has.”

“Your whole side and part of your back are purple, how did you not get the bruised ribs?”

“Lucky?” Jack chuckled, wincing at the discomfort. “I don’t know.”

“I have to yawn. It’s going to hurt.” TJ moaned.

Jack put his hand on TJ’s thigh, watching and grimacing at the pained sound that trailed out behind the yawn. “I’m glad the doctor has been to see you, I’d worry if he didn’t say you were doing well.”

“You’re still worried. Like an old lady.” TJ teased Jack.

“Shut up. Lie down and take your grandpa nap.”

“I thought you were the one who wanted to sleep until tomorrow.” TJ accused.

“Oh, right, that was me.” Jack smirked. He stood up and walked to the other side of the bed. “I still do.”

He watched as TJ pulled the comforter over himself then he climbed into the bed and nestled near TJ, running his fingertips over TJ's hip.

"Love you too, Jack." TJ finally said, just before he dozed.


	48. Chapter 48

“Oh hell! Look at you!” Janie exclaimed when Jack came through the door ahead of TJ. ”It looks so much worse in person. I can’t even hug you?”

Jack laughed and pulled Janie into a hug, “Just don’t squeeze as hard as usual. Oh I’ve missed you.” He kissed the top of her head.

“Don’t hog her. I want some.” TJ said, setting down the one bag he was allowed to carry. “I still can’t believe she recruited you to come unload our bags Bucky. Thank you.”

“You’ve already thanked me out by the car and in the elevator, I’m happy to help TJ.” Bucky took the bags into the boys’ room.

“You’re next.” Janie said at TJ’s side, “I wanna hug you too.”

“Even less squeezing than Jack, I can’t wait to give you a proper hug. Soon.” TJ wrapped his arms around Janie gently. He breathed in her hair and sighed. “I’m so glad to be home.”

“That bad huh? A guy goes away and comes back in the shape you’re in, he should have had fun. I guess the circumstances don’t allow for much of that. Come, sit down sweetheart.” Janie rambled, leading TJ to the sofa.

“Yup, missed you.” Jack grinned, easing himself onto the sofa. “Bucky, congratulations on the new status and the new digs.”

“You’re going to have to come by after we get things squared away.” Bucky heard himself saying, and found he meant it. “It’s not quite as roomy as your place, oddly shaped, but it’s well lit.”

“I’m glad you’ve finally come home, Bucky.” TJ said, “Is it? I mean do you think you’ll be able to feel at home?”

Janie fussed over the corner of the sofa, rearranging pillows for TJ “Sit down for more conversation.” She ordered.

TJ and Bucky shared a smile. “Janie, please just be yourself. I’m fine.”

“Ugh, if I hear that phrase any more, you let her fuss. You’re not fine you’re recovering. You deserve a little TLC.” Jack said from his spot on the edge of the sofa. “Janie, did you find any chairs you like?”

“I did see a couple in a consignment shop that would fit, and I think they’d look nice with the sofa. I thought maybe you’d want to see them before…”

“Darling girl, you call that consignment shop, you call a moving van, and you get those chairs.” Jack said with authority and love.

“Jack’s been in a veritable palace for the last week, it’s going to take some time to acclimate to his surroundings.” TJ teased.

“All I care about is that our friends can sit, and that Janie likes the chairs. I’m not being too commanding. Am I?” he turned to Janie.

“You’re being you. I’m happy to call the consignment shop. I did hope you’d like them, because I kinda love them.”

“She loves them.” TJ said, “Saw some that ’would fit’ and ‘they’d look nice with the sofa’… that’s what you said. This girl knows how to downplay her excitement. I’m going to study and learn from you Janes.”

Bucky laughed with them, shaking his head. “I’d love to stay, but I have to meet Steve and Sam so we can get started on moving in.”

“I'm coming by later with food. Tell Steve and Sam I’ll want to know what they want to eat.”

“I guess we wouldn’t be any help.” TJ said from the sofa, trying to stand.

“You wouldn’t be. Don’t try to get up just to see me go, TJ. You’ve already helped me more than you could know. Thank you.” Bucky shook TJ’s hand and then Jack’s. “I’m sure I’ll see you both sooner rather than later. Janie, I’ll see you later. If they don’t let you know, just get them whatever’s on special. I’ll pass the word though.”

TJ watched as Bucky kissed Janie, he tried not to, but it was mesmerizing, from the first tip of his head to the gentle placement of his metal hand on her shoulder and his flesh hand on her neck, just barely messing up her ponytail. He looked away with a fond smile. Jack gave him a raised eyebrow as Janie closed the door between herself and Bucky.

“What? They’re lovely together.” TJ answered the quizzical look. “I wasn’t gawking, just making an observation.”

Janie sat between them gently, “You talking about me?” She put a hand on each of their legs and sighed, “I like him.”

“I’m glad. He seems to like you too.” Jack said, covering her hand with his. “So, do they need anything for their new place? Seems we should be collaborating on a housewarming gift.”

“I’ve got so many ideas.” She grinned. “I shouldn’t, I don’t want to take advantage of your apparent generosity.”

“You should. Tell us all of your ideas; we’ll pare them down from there, after you call about those chairs.”

“Guys, can we do the virtual shopping from the other room? I want to stretch out a little.” TJ asked. “I miss the days where I could just sit on the floor like a real person.”

“No more floor sitting, we’re going to have chairs. Yes, we can go into the bedroom.” Janie said, rising to offer TJ a hand.

TJ took her hand, surprised for some reason at her strength as she tugged him from the sofa. “Thanks sweetheart.” He put his arm across her shoulders, “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too. How, injuries aside, was your trip?”

“It was eventful. I don’t mind the place, I mean it’s just another metropolis, another city, but I think we can manage visits. It’s your turn next time. Jack’s going to be dedicating a community center in the coming months. He might even be going back sooner for meetings and his sister’s coronation.”

“TJ’s going to be busy, would you be my date for the coronation Janie?”

“You’re teasing.” Janie said to Jack as he touched her back to pass her and set their toiletry bags in the bathroom.

“I’m not. TJ has meetings this week, and he will likely be involved in scoring a play, while I’ll be flying back to Gilboa for Michelle’s coronation. We already discussed it…”

“He’s right, we did. I’m all for it, if you want to go? You and I could shop for your gown, that way I can be involved too. It’ll be fun.” TJ smiled as he eased himself onto the bed.

“An actual coronation? A real formal gown? I wouldn’t know how to comport myself in a situation like that. I’m too loud and my sense of propriety is waaay down on my list of good qualities.” Janie said, exaggerating the word ‘way’.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Jack said from the doorway. “Anything you need to know, I’ll be happy to teach you. You’re beautiful just being you, and you have a loooong list of good qualities, so something has to be on the lower end. Propriety is boring anyway.” Jack exaggerated the word ‘long’ to tease back.

“Well, if you don’t care how much I embarrass you, I’ll be happy to be your date.”

“You didn’t embarrass me the last time we had a date,” Jack said, moving to the foot of the bed and sitting next to Janie, “you won’t embarrass me now.”

“How are your injuries?” she asked, reaching to touch Jack’s shoulder.

“Achy, ugly purple stains.” Jack let her lift his shirt. “TJ looks just as bad.”

“TJ feels as bad as Jack looks.” TJ said, leaning against the rack of pillows at the headboard. “Jack is more purple.”

Janie crossed the bed and tugged TJ’s shirt up to his armpit, “You’re purple enough, doctor said you’re ok? How’s the pain?”

“There. Very present.” TJ answered, enjoying the cool feel of her fingers along the edges of the bruises. “You’ve got a very tender touch. I’m only taking ibuprofen, it helps enough that I can sleep.”

“Is that good enough? I mean, I understand what’s driving you Teej, I just want to be sure it’s enough.”

“Yeah, it’s enough. I’m going to see how things go through the next week or so, I can’t let this opportunity slip through my fingers, so, if I have to get a prescription filled, I’ll go through all the right steps. Tomorrow’s my appointment with the therapist, followed by meeting this playwright the day after.”

“I’m going to say something you’ve probably already heard, but don’t push yourself too hard.”

“I know Janes.” TJ said, holding his arm up for her to slip under. She sat next to him and he rested his arm on and leaned against her. “I just hope, I want to get the initial meeting done this week, then there’s the possibility for more work – slow and steady – next week.”

“I’ll be holding you to that.” Janie looked up at TJ. “So, ideas for the boys’ housewarming. I think we should focus on either their kitchen or their living room. Books are a must, so maybe a shelf… ooh wait, there’s this great… Jack, in my room on the dresser is a blue folder, could you? I mean I don’t want to put you out, but I don’t want to jostle TJ either.”

“I’ve got it.” Jack sent Janie a look that said she was doing ‘it’ again before retrieving the folder and returning to hear Janie talking animatedly, while managing to sit practically still, about the long and narrow construction of the apartment Bucky and Steve were moving into.

“Look.” She said as Jack pulled out the photo of the living room. “This is just wide enough and twice as long, if they crowded a bookshelf in there, they’d lose width, but if we added built-ins where the wall arches, here, and maybe by the front door, it wouldn’t take up the width. They’re not shrimps like me, so they could reach overhead for the books. We’d have to get their ok and that of the landlord, but I could only see it as being an improvement.”

TJ listened, smiling at Jack over Janie’s enthusiasm, “you know the shelf could be duplicated on the other side of the arched wall in the kitchen so they could add cookbooks there as well.”

“TJ you’re brilliant!” Janie grinned up at TJ then looked to Jack for his opinion.

“Hey, if they love books, they’re going to need a place to keep them. If they’re as bothered by the narrowness of the rooms as you say, this might help them with some of their concerns. I say we start a conversation.”

“Listen to him, ‘start a conversation’.” TJ said in a mocking voice, “You haven’t been around many politicians lately have you?”

“I have, for a whole week. But the fact remains.” Jack added with a straight face.

“We gotta get him back on solid ground Janie.”

“Yup, we do. Swelled head.” Janie teased, bumping Jack’s leg with her foot. “It’s good you got back when you did.”

“I like the idea. How should I answer? We can’t just pop a built-in into their place without checking with them and the property owner. Conversations should be had.” Jack turned away from Janie and TJ as they mocked him. He was grinning, but they didn’t need _any more_ encouragement. He changed the subject, “I’m hungry, anyone else want something to eat?”

“I’m buying.” Janie said before Jack could budge. “Deli, Shawarma, or pizza?”

“You’re taking food to the boys, you can’t buy ours too.” TJ objected.

“I can.” Janie said defiantly.

“I can buy the food for Sam, Steve, and Bucky. Something tells me that will be the bigger bill.” Jack suggested.

“Ok, I know enough to _not_ argue, you can buy the boys’ lunch.” Janie said, tugging her phone from her hip pocket. “I still don’t know which you two want for your own lunch.”

“Whatever sounds good to you, Janie.” TJ answered, “You know what I like from each of them.”

“Nope. TJ you always get away with that, but no. You have to pick someplace.” Janie looked at him, “You have to start making decisions, might as well start with lunch, that’s an easy one in the grand scheme of things, and Jack and I won’t complain. You won’t be stepping on anyone’s pride by choosing a lunch place.”

“Wow, I didn’t know this was a teaching moment.” TJ said, tilting his head to look at Janie. “Fine, we’ve done the deli and pizza lately, so Shawarma it is.”

“See, that wasn’t so hard.” Janie smirked, winking at Jack, who shook his head. “We’re so proud of you.”

“Fuck you Janie.” TJ said lightheartedly, “I’m not that much of a pushover.”

“You have been.” Janie maintained. “Maybe this week away was good for you.”

“Ugh, order lunch, don’t remind me about this past week.” TJ groaned. “I hope you have a better time in Gilboa when you go than I did.”

“I don’t plan on breaking up any fights, so it’s already looking better, plus I’ll be dolled up, styled by one TJ Hammond. That’s a positive note. Then, I’ll have a lovely date in Jack, I mean you had him too, but maybe I’ll appreciate him more than you did.” Janie winked as she slipped away from TJ. He groaned at the reminder that he shouldn’t swipe at Janie, not yet anyway.

“Just you wait until I’m back in fighting form, you’ll have to be fast then.” He moaned. “Damn it.”

“Serves you right.” Janie taunted as she waited for the restaurant to pick up. “That fight gave you violent tendencies.”

TJ sat back against the pillows again, lifting one leg and resting an arm on his knee. “Only when teased by a saucy redhead.”

“Bucky likes it.”

“Ooh. Bucky likes it. How’s he going to like you going on a date with my guy?”

Jack rolled his eyes, laughing quietly at the two of them.

“He’s going to be glad it’s not him going.”

They all just nodded as Janie started placing their order.

Jack climbed onto the bed and sprawled across diagonally, on his belly. The pressure on his bruises sending mixed signals of pain and relief. ”I’m so ready to feel like me again.” He complained into the spot on TJ’s hip where his head had wound up, his lips brushing TJ’s jeans.

TJ stroked his hair, “I know. Me too.”

“I figured you’d understand.” Jack rolled to his side without expressing just how much his body was complaining with the movement, he laid his head on TJ’s thigh.

Janie resisted the urge to pile onto the bed between them and crept up behind Jack gently. She sat with her thigh along his back and put her hand on his arm. “Poor babies.”

Jack leaned against Janie, grateful for the added support. “Don’t move. Just call the delivery guy back and tell him come in all the way in.”

“Funny. Door’s locked funny man.” Janie said rubbing Jack’s back lightly. “Missed you and your silliness.”

“We missed you too, if TJ wasn’t complaining about being homesick, I was.” Jack admitted, stretching his muscles under Janie’s hands, wincing once or twice for his trouble.

“I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know you feel that way Jack. A month ago, I had no idea what I was going to do with you, but now I can’t imagine not having you around or at least nearby.”

“How do you think you’ll feel about that when your two roommates become three?”

“Tired.” She said, “But happy.”

‘You’ll say something if it’s too much?” Jack asked, “Promise you will.”

“I’ll pack your bags for you and everything.” Janie’s fingers ruffled Jack’s hair and scratched his scalp, “Does that make you feel better?”

TJ looked at Jack then put a finger over his lips to shush Janie, mouthing, “he’s asleep.”

She whispered quietly, “lunch in a few.”

“We’ll wake him then.” TJ whispered back, his hand hovering over Jack’s shoulder before lighting there tenderly.

Janie shrugged, putting her head on TJ’s shoulder. “I really shouldn’t let you two out of my sight.” She whispered.

TJ covered her hand with his and squeezed. They sat like that for another fifteen minutes before the delivery person buzzed.

“Jack,” TJ said in a soft voice, “food’s here.”

“Mm.” Jack muttered, “k.”

“Well? Do you want to eat or do you want us to put it away?” TJ asked, pushing hair away from Jack’s forehead. His fingers trailed down Jack’s face, tracing outside the bruises. “Huh? Hungry or sleepy?”

“Hungry.” Jack said, feeling the light tickles on his temple and cheek.

“You’re going to want to sit up for this.” TJ said with a faint sound of laughter in his voice, “Come on baby.”

“I ain’t no baby.” Jack grumbled.

“You’re my baby.” TJ teased, wincing at the movement in the mattress.

Jack sat up against the headboard next to TJ. “I’m yours.”

“You're both my babies.” Janie said sweetly as she set the boxes on the center of the bed before crawling onto the bed, careful to minimize the movements closer to the two battered men. She handed TJ his order then passed Jack’s to him. “This smells so good, good call Teej.”

“Hey, you were right, I can make a decision.” TJ taunted back before getting serious, “I don’t have to tell you how worried I was that it would be disappointing to everyone.”

“I know. That’s why I encouraged you sweetheart.”

TJ looked at Jack, “See, I’m still a big giant mess.”

“I know.” Jack said with a smile before taking a bite of his food, he needed to remember not to do that; the split on his lip would never heal if he kept smiling. Or eating.  Fuck it, he was going to eat when food was this good and his friends making him smile was something he’d missed for half of his life. “So, when do you have to go meet the guys? I wish we could help, I feel pretty useless.”

“Don’t you dare, you’re buying lunch. You feel really bad, you can buy beer too.” Janie said, laying her hand on Jack’s shin and squeezing lightly “I’ll be leaving after I eat. I won’t be home til late, so don’t forget to have a healthy dinner.”

“I can’t think about dinner when I’m inhaling lunch.” TJ said around his last bite of shawarma.

“Inhaling is right, Jesus TJ.” Janie laughed. “You seriously are an animal.”

TJ looked at Jack, “I missed _this?_ ”

Jack laughed, “You did, complained every day about missing _this_.”

“I _love you TJ_.” Janie laughed. “I’m eating slowly so I don’t wind up with an upset stomach, and so that I can spend more time with you.”

“I’ve done so much to my body, my stomach is the least of my worries.” TJ said, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “I do like that you’re using us as an excuse to miss out on a half day of moving.”

“Don’t forget to talk to them about our housewarming gift idea, Janie.”

“Honey, I’m so excited to mention that, I’m sure I’ll blurt it out first thing.”

TJ closed his eyes and frowned, preparing for the yawn that would cause his ribs to rebel. When the yawn overtook him he winced and cringed, “god I hate that.” He said in a weepy voice.

Janie looked at TJ with concern, “I can stay if you need me to.”

“I’d rather you help them out, since we can’t. It’s just pain; it’ll be there whether you’re here or there. Thanks for offering though. Maybe you can hang out with me after my therapy session tomorrow. Jack’s got his own appointments to tend to.”

“I’d love that.”

“Maybe I can hang out with _you_ tomorrow after my therapy session.” TJ corrected himself, “have you been taking care of yourself?”

“I’ve had good and bad moments, I’m back to twice a week therapy myself, after the thing at work. After Alex.” She corrected herself. “I can’t wait for the two of us to hang out tomorrow.”

Jack moved over, “you come over here, sit with us. Neither of us can properly hug you from over there.”

Janie crossed the space Jack cleared and settled carefully between them. TJ linked his fingers with hers and rested his head on hers, “I’m so sorry sweetheart. I truly am.”

“TJ, I tried so hard to get him out of that situation.” Janie buried her face in TJ’s shoulder. “I fought and fought.”

“I know you did, I remember how hard you were working before we left. You did try hard honey. You did everything you could.”

“I don’t know, it wasn’t enough, maybe I didn’t do _everything_ I could.”

“Bullshit.” TJ said but it was tender and sweet, “I know you, I know how you work and how much of _you_ goes into your work. You did _everything that **you**_ could do.”

“I try to tell myself that.” Janie looked up into TJ’s eyes. “I try to believe what I say and what I hear. Then I see his face in my dreams.”

“I hope his face is kind to you. He was important to you,” Jack said quietly, “of course you’ll dream about him.”

Janie looked at Jack, “Thank you.”

Jack brushed her cheek with his thumb, “Janie, you’re welcome. Don’t go until you feel a little better, ok?”

“I’m ok, honest.”

“Ok, but when you’re not, make sure that you’re not alone, ok?”

“Yes Jack.” Janie smiled, knowing how much he wanted to make the “you’re not ok and he’s not fine” speech. “I promise, I have either one of you, Steve, Sam, or Bucky to lean on at any time, even if I’m physically by myself, I know I can call any one of you.”

“Damned right you can.” Jack said with a frown.

“I love you. You’ve turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me, to us, Jack.” Janie said.

TJ looked at her, then up at Jack. “She’s right.” He said with his cheek resting on Janie’s head.

Janie patted each of their thighs before getting up from the bed, “Thank you boys, I really did need that. I hope you plan to rest. I should head out.”

Jack and TJ shared a look, “You reset pretty quickly there Janes.” TJ said with concern.

“I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole before I have to leave, I’m not “better” but you two and your tenderness and hugs really were what I needed for a temporary fix. Ok sweetie?”

“Ok, I’m not sorry.” TJ said with a brief smile.

“I don’t want you to be. You’re just looking out for me. I wouldn’t be sorry either.” Janie said earnestly, bending to kiss TJ’s cheek. “I’m functioning. I want to see Bucky again and I think physical labor will help.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” TJ said, kissing Janie back. “Be careful, they’re strong boys, I mean _strong_ , you don’t need to overdo it.”

“I know that.” Janie said to TJ. “I’m sure not going to try to out-lift a super soldier.”

They laughed with Janie and Jack reached across for his wallet on the nightstand.

“Janie, take this. Buy whatever they need for food and drinks. Tell them we really do wish we could help, I know Bucky knows, but please, just do.”

“I will sweetheart, whoa, that’s too much.”

“I doubt it. If it proves to be, then apply it to whatever dinner you end up having.”

“Jack, you don’t have to buy us honey, you’ve won us over already.” Janie protested, trying and failing to hand him half of the cash back.

“I’m not buying anyone. I’m treating some people that I owe so much more than just monetary recompense. Get the good beer.” He smiled.

“Fine, I will.” Janie replied. “But you two have to take care of yourselves.”

“Going to take a nap.” TJ said, “Both of us.”

Jack nodded, “promise.”

“What would we do without her?” TJ asked after Janie had left the apartment.

“I think we’d get beaten up, be miserable and whine about missing something special.”

“Oh, right. Like we did this past week.” TJ eased himself down so that he could try to get comfortable lying on the bed.

“Exactly.” Jack replied, holding his arm so that TJ could lie against him. He rested his hand on TJ’s hip once TJ was settled. “I’m glad we have her.”

“I’m glad we’re home. Everything just feels right here.” TJ agreed.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TJ and Jack meet a little resistance from the unenlightened - there is some homophobic language in this chapter

TJ woke to increased pain in his ribs, caused by Jack’s thrashing on the bed, he groaned, tears pooling in his eyes, and turned over to try to soothe Jack. More pain from the movement. “Jack.” He croaked, “Ow, shit, fuck. Jack honey, it’s ok.”

He pushed himself to a seated position to try to get the advantage over Jack’s erratic movements and try to calm him. “Jack.” He said in a firmer, louder voice.

> Jack wrestled with something in the darkness, it had him by the throat but he couldn’t see it, and it taunted him. “You have nothing.”
> 
> It growled at him from the recesses of the tunnel under the palace, he broke free of its clutches and ran, “You can run Benjamin but you can’t hide. You have nothing, you are nothing.”
> 
> He turned to see what was calling after him, it was good at lurking, it was good at hiding.
> 
> “GO ahead Jack. Run. Shepherd got what you wanted. You never deserved it. You’re not good enough. The things you did Benjamin. You’re not the polished prince, you’re nothing.”
> 
> “NO! I don’t want this! I want to go HOME!!” he screamed, his voice cracking and echoing back at him through the long tunnel.
> 
> “you have NO HOME.” The tunnel rumbled.
> 
> The tunnel was darker, longer, and danker than it had ever been. Jack slipped on something slimy, “Please! I’m sorry! I should have done more. If I hadn’t been selfish, they’d be alive. Would you leave me alone if they were still alive?”
> 
> The ogre, the dark loving, slime monster laughed, a vile sound, “You’d spare them? They who made HIM the favorite? They who killed the man you love? The only person who **_ever loved you!_ ** Because you FAILED them? You’re not good enough for favors. You have no home Jack. You’re unlovable Jack _Benjamin_.”
> 
> “NO! That’s not true!” he wailed, tears obscuring his vision. He felt utterly hopeless as he ran, “I have TJ! I have Janie!”
> 
> “You have **NO ONE** Benjamin. It’s as you said, your soul’s been starved. You have nothing! Keep running little prince.” The vile laughter echoed, surrounding him, resonating through him.
> 
> Jack slipped again, stumbling and landing on his face in the mire “I don’t want to be alone!”

“Baby, it’s ok, you’re here. You have me. You have Janie. Whatever it is, I’ve got you baby.” TJ cried through the pain in his ribs, and the anguish at hearing Jack’s miserable cries. “Baby, you’re not alone.”

Jack woke with a start, causing himself and TJ more pain in the process. He looked at TJ with wild eyes, trying to sort out the pain, the dream, and TJ’s sobs.

TJ sat up, and put his hands on Jack’s face, in spite of the pain in his ribs. “Jack, honey, it’s ok.” He wept through his own agony. “It was just a dream.”

Jack sagged against the headboard, rubbing his eyes. “Oh god.” He breathed, cringing at the spasm that rippled through his bruised muscles.

TJ regained a little of his composure, sitting back next to Jack, their shoulders touching, “you care to tell me what the fuck just happened?”

“You’re pissed because I had a nightmare?”

“Hell no. I’m pissed because I can’t wake you, and comfort you, without falling apart myself. Asshole. You ok now?”

“No.” Jack breathed again. “Fucking nightmare.”

“Wanna share?” TJ swiped at tears that stained his cheeks from the pain, caused by the battle to comfort Jack.

“An ogre in the tunnel.” Jack said with a feral, half-smile. “Sounds more like a fairy-tale than a nightmare.”

“Actually not too far from the same thing, if you read the originals.” TJ was finally catching his breath, “Besides, nightmares don’t give a shit how they fuck with you. The ogre was giving you a shitty time, that’s what I got from my end of things.”

TJ sucked in a couple of deep breaths, testing his ribs.

“You ok kitten?”

TJ chuckled through the residual pain, “you can curse me and call me that back to back?”

“I need something to hold onto.” Jack stated, setting his hand on TJ’s thigh, “The fairy tale nightmare fucked with me, Tell me you’re not going to leave me.”

“Jack. I’m so sorry, but you're stuck with me.”

“I’m afraid I’m not the man you think I am.” Jack said, sounding smaller than TJ had ever heard, and he’d been with Jack through some moments where he’d been knocked down before.

“I think you don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“I’m still fighting the darkness TJ.”

“The ogre? I know you are, I know. You have fitful dreams often. You _are_ fighting it though Jack.”

“If I dream bitter words about David, does it mean I mean them? If I dream about jealousy, am I jealous?”

“I don’t know. You seemed to be genuinely cool with David. You seemed to be happy for them, for all of them. What would you gain from being King? Do you think the people of Gilboa would be better under your rule, or Michelle and David’s?” TJ’s question was candid and earnest.

“You’ve seen the love they have for the people; they’d obviously be the better choice. I’m pretty sure that’s what I was always afraid of.”

“Do you feel displaced?”

“No” Jack said, thinking, “no.”

“You screamed you wanted to go home. What was that place for you?” TJ posed his questions much the way his therapist had, in order to keep expectations from coloring his tone.

“Here, with you.”

“When you were doing the “things” you’ve said you did, what was missing in your life? What things were they?”

“I wanted to be… special, I wanted to mean something to my father, I wanted to be accepted. I was violent. I figured, if I fought, if I broke through the resistance, maybe he’d see me.”

“I love you Jack. I’m sorry you didn’t get that from your family. But I love you, and you’re special to me. I accept you for who you are. Even the darkness.”

“You saw me in that fight, you didn’t even see me at my most violent TJ.”

“Jack, if it’s something that worries you, that’s what the therapy visits are for. I know you were a soldier, you saw combat, and you didn’t get the support you needed coming out of that. You didn’t have a positive role model ever, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but anyone whose answer to _anything_ is having the opposition murdered, that person is not any kind of role model.

“Of course you’re afraid; you just came home from all of those fresh memories, and everything came to the surface again. You’re going to be a dad, and you want to be the best possible one. You want the best for those you love, and you don’t know exactly how to achieve that. It’s ok to be uncertain, and even frightened.”

TJ’s fingers laced with Jack’s, “You’re not going to be able to get rid of me so easily Jack.”

“How badly did I hurt you?”

“Pain. No new damage, and you’re hurting too, so don’t get all sensitive about it.”

“It’s dark out, we slept a little while before I ruined it.”

“You ruined nothing. You just need to work some things out, that’s all.”

“That’s some bullshit Hammond.” Jack said, lifting their hands and kissing TJ’s fingers.

“I know. Is it working?” TJ asked with a smile, well, as much of one as his pain would allow for.

“No. You’re hurt and you’d better not be lying to me about how badly, I will call your mother. She’ll rain down on you with doctors, nurses, and all sorts of “I told you so”.”

“I know she would. Trust me, I feel no worse than my most recent worst.” TJ said, not sounding reassuring at all.

“I figured as much. I’ll get you something to eat, and then you’re taking some ibuprofen and back to sleep.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll eat with you, it’s well past time for another pill, and I’ll sleep too. Hopefully with no ogres.”

“I’m the only ogre you’d better be sleeping with from now on.”

…

Jack sat in the therapist’s office, feeling more exposed than his first military physical. He’d led with the nightmare, and continued by explaining his activities of recent years. The doctor had a kind voice as she encouraged him, and she appeared interested in what he had to say, as well as what he wasn’t saying, but this was just about the worst experience he could recall.

He’d been eager for attention and companionship when he’d first confessed these things to TJ, and he had wanted to let Janie know what kind of problem she was letting into her home, he’d liked her and he’d really, really liked TJ. Today he felt like he was opening a wound for no good reason and pouring lemon juice into the wound.

“Jack, I want you to be comfortable in our sessions, if you have to pace, I encourage that.”

“Do I look like a pacer?” Jack asked, tugging on the fold in his jeans where his knee bent.

“You look like you’d rather be anywhere else, sometimes burning that excess energy, even for a minute helps.”

“I want to do this. But I don’t.”

“That’s very normal. That you’re doing it in spite of the part or parts that don’t want to be here is admirable. What are your reasons for being here?”

“I want to do it for my family. I mean I want to be able to be there for them and sometimes I just can’t. I’m afraid I’ll get violent, and we’re expecting a baby, and I can’t _be_ violent.”

“How have your violent tendencies affected your current relationship?”

“I haven’t been violent with TJ, but recently, as you can see, I was in a brawl. I got more into it than I should have when I saw TJ being hurt. I nearly decked my previous lover though, and TJ and I both have tightly wound personalities. I’m afraid it’s a matter of time and the wrong word between us. I’d never forgive myself if I hurt him.”

“Jack, we’re going to work on this and anything else that comes up, if you’re comfortable continuing. I can give you tools and we can work through things. You’ve taken quite a few admirable steps in changing your life. I know that is not always easy. Do you feel that two sessions a week to start is adequate? I wouldn’t advise fewer just yet, but it’s all up to you and your level of comfort.”

“Twice weekly sounds manageable.” Jack answered, “Will I always feel so exposed?”

“Sometimes more.” She smiled warmly, “sometimes less. You are exposing the very most intimate part of yourself. I’ll try to help make it feel less intrusive.”

“Well, I appreciate that.”

“Jack, are you a reader? I have a couple of suggested materials that I think could help between now and our next session. I’ve got video and mp3 versions if you prefer.”

“I don’t mind reading, I don’t think either of the others would be utilized too well.” Jack admitted.

“It’s pretty easy reading, but I think it could help with your frustration.”

Before he finished up, she had an outline for him, the beginnings of a plan for future sessions. He felt more confident in his decision and selection by the time he walked out of the office. He called TJ’s phone, “Hey kitten, when you’re done give me a call. We can meet for coffee.”

TJ called back almost instantly, “Sorry, Janie was teasing me. Wouldn’t give me my phone, and I couldn’t exactly wrestle her for it. How’d it go?”

“I think I’ll keep going.” Jack said, “Would you two like to join me for coffee? Are you up to it?”

“I’m capable of sitting in a coffee shop, yes.” TJ answered, “and yeah, I wanna see you. Did you see Steve or was that later?”

“Later, he’s got some files for me and wants to go over some of them. Apparently they found some information down the line from the stuff they got from Gilboa.”

“Huh. Sounds pretty deep. I hope you’re safe, getting involved in that business.” TJ was afraid to say ‘Hydra’ aloud in public, even though a dress shop was probably the least likely place to wind up shot for it. One never knew, though. “We’ll meet you at the usual place; we can head there in about fifteen, so we’ll see you in roughly a half-hour?”

“Ok. I love you kitten.”

“Love you too baby.”

Jack smiled as he heard Janie cooing in the background, “Love you Janie.” He said as he ended the call, hearing TJ translating his love to nonsense about how Jack would like her a little if she weren’t such a bully.

Jack took the train part-way, getting off a few stops before his destination because he was uncomfortable under so much scrutiny, were people trying to figure out who he reminded them of, trying to figure out why he looked like he’d gone a few rounds or were they even looking at him at all.

Jack supposed the near-naked feeling from the therapist’s office was partially to blame for his self-consciousness. However, he was the subject of tabloids, as was TJ and even Bucky, and they all just happened to be in the same city, sharing the same face.

The walk was much better, there were more things for people to look at, more people who weren’t looking at his bruises, and a fresher breath of air. Jack was the first in the coffee shop from his group, so he found a table, scanning the place for rogue congressmen, or tell-tale paparazzi. He called Steve to confirm their appointment and get directions to his new apartment.

“So, what’s the word on our little housewarming proposition?” Jack asked.

“We don’t want to take advantage of you, Jack.”

“I know. It’s a gift, a group gift from TJ, Janie and me. Did you talk to the landlord? Does the design appeal to you both?”

“Yes, and yes.” Steve said almost reluctantly.

“Hey, you two saved my family, and you’ve given me a job. The least I can do, as a friend, is to give you something to make your living space more comfortable.”

“Thank you Jack.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll have the contractor contact you and you can arrange to have them come in and get it built. I’ll head over after Janie, TJ, and I finish coffee. Can I interest you in some pastries? They look really good.”

“I’ll make coffee, if you think you can drink another cup when you get here.”

“I’ll make mine a small one. Thanks Steve.”

Jack finished the call as he heard Janie’s voice coming through the door. He saw TJ grasp his sides, laughing at something she said and he cringed in sympathy. He stood up and cringed in reality as well. He enveloped TJ in his arms when they reached the table, careful to avoid hurting him further. “Missed you. How did your therapy session go?”

“It was typical. I might be making unhealthy choices; I need to watch out because I’m exhibiting codependent tendencies.”

“We didn’t get that far.” Jack said. “I didn’t order, I wasn’t sure what you’d want today.”

TJ smiled, “You know me so well. No wonder I’m codependent.”

“Might be.” Jack corrected.

“Yeah, whatever.” TJ smirked, “I’m buying.”

“Honey.”

“No, don’t honey me. I’ve got a little left, I’m going to get this gig tomorrow, and I’m buying.”

“I think I love you. Hey Janie, when did you get here?”

“Oh, you’re a riot Jack.” Janie sidled up to him, “I’d push him out of the way, but he’s feeble.”

“Feeble and codependent. At your service. The usual for both of you?”

“Make mine small. I’m having _more_ coffee at Steve’s a little later. Don’t buy pastries, I’m already buying to take to Steve and Bucky, let’s not make her job harder. In fact, you’re not buying. You can leave the tip.”

“Jack.” TJ gave Jack an “I’m folding my arms and glaring at you” look, at least he hoped it translated as such, since the last time he’d folded his arms to look dramatic he’d regretted it for an hour.

Jack swiped a hand over TJ’s tense jaw, “TJ.”

“Fine. You’re a shit. You can go order too, for that.”

“Someone, anyone, give me the money, I’ll order and you two babies can sit here, discussing just how two babies are going to manage to be fathers. I’ll also take a finder’s fee or whatever you want to call it.”

“Janie, I think the word you’re looking for is a nuisance fee.” Jack grinned. “I’m glad I’m not the bigger nuisance.”

“How about you both let me be the judge of that.” Janie answered, “small with, all the pastries in the case and what are you having TJ?”

“I’m afraid to answer.” TJ said, embarrassed.

“I don’t know what you’re afraid of.”

“Decaf, with.”

They both groaned

“What? I’m going home to try to let more sleep help me heal. I’m sore and I don’t want caffeine keeping me awake, but I want to drink coffee with my friends and no, I don’t want tea.”

“TJ Hammond, the anti-druggiest drug addict.” Jack teased, “Sit down kitten, you want some warm milk instead?”

“You know what? Fuck you. Yeah, that sounds great actually. Janie, make mine a vanilla steamer instead.”

“With whip?” Janie asked playfully.

“Yes.” TJ answered the tease, “of course with whip.”

Jack waited until Janie was in line before leaning close to TJ, “Rough day at the therapist?”

“Yes. Not for any reason other than me getting in my own way. It’s been too long, I’m out of practice, and I’m a little raw.”

“I’d say I could postpone this meeting with Steve, but you’d just say something snarky about something you imagined your therapist meant when he said something.”

“I’d just say ‘no’.” TJ corrected Jack, “Because you need to do this. I need to get some rest and regroup for tomorrow. You might not be too far off about how I’m taking the intent of today’s session though.”

“Please tell me you’re at least half as honest with your therapist as you are with me.” Jack’s thumb rubbed over TJ’s knuckles.

TJ took his hand and turned it over to look at the wounds on Jack’s knuckles. “I’d like to think I handle myself pretty openly with him. I probably wouldn’t feel so raw if I wasn’t. I’m sure the travel, the fight, and last night was all part of the emotional overload as well.”

“Today was the first time you had to deal with our sudden relationship with someone who doesn’t either adore the hell out of us, or who you don’t say ‘fuck you’ to out of habit. Over-explaining your feelings doesn’t work with the therapist, so you have to dig down deep. I’m sorry about last night. You shouldn’t have to carry the burden of my nightmares.”

“Did you get a chance to talk about them?”

“I did, I’ve got an action plan that might include anger management classes. How do you like that?”

“I do actually, if it’ll make you feel better about things. I know you’ve been worried, and I like that you’re going in as a preventative measure.”

Jack traced TJ’s bruised cheek, “I’d hate if I put these there. I think about it more seeing you hurt, battered, and I worry that one day our tempers will meet and the result would kill me.”

TJ kissed Jack’s palm, “I know why you’re worried, but I like to think I’m pretty rational, and I still don’t see things going that way. If you feel concerned though, you’re making a good choice.”

_“God in heaven would you look at those faggots?!”_

“I’m making some pretty serious choices right now.” Jack’s hand tensed in TJ’s.

“Ignore them.” TJ answered, seeing Jack’s expression darken, hearing the slurs coming from across the room. “Kiss me instead.”

“Listen.” They heard Janie, TJ saw her whirl, “I don’t know what century you just woke up from, but you’re in New York in the twenty first century, in case you didn’t know. Nobody needs to hear your homophobic nonsense.”

_“It ain’t natural.”_

“I’ll tell you what ‘ain’t natural’ pal, your attitude. Turn around and leave if you don’t want to see people expressing love. This world is full enough of hate we don’t need you spouting off with your vile pseudo-caveman logic.”

“Should we stop her?” Jack asked, smiling as their lips separated.

“No, Janie doesn’t have violent tendencies and she’s got a wall of protection. We don’t have the fight in us right now. I say we just kiss again, people who love it, love it and those two… they’re just jealous. Are you ok? You haven’t had to deal with this before.”

“I did tell you about my father, these apes can’t top his ugly barbs.”

“I guess that does hurt worse.” TJ’s thumb grazed Jack’s jaw. “Do you think we look oblivious enough?”

Jack smiled at TJ’s ridiculousness. “I think we’re obvious, not oblivious.”

“Either way, we’re not giving them what they want. They’re not going to get to beat on us.”

_“Whatever lady.” The shorter of the two huffed, following his friend out of the coffee shop._

“Does anyone else have any problems with my friends here?” Janie asked before ordering, as she was finally next up.

There was no awkward silence. Instead, she was applauded.

“That’s not necessary. I expect most of you would have done the same.” She smiled, winking over at TJ and Jack.

When Janie pulled up a seat next to them, Jack gave her a concerned look, “You could have been hurt.”

“Nonsense, if they were going to be hitting anyone, it was you two they were trying to rile up. I know how to judge a crowd and these guys weren’t going to let _those_ _guys_ do anything to me. Probably wouldn’t let them mess with you two either, but I’m glad you played it cool and we didn’t have to find out. TJ would have wound up in the hospital for sure, maybe even you.”

“It’s probably a good thing they didn’t hear my order.” TJ said with a small laugh when he heard their order being called.

“You’re right, round two would have been even more entertaining.” Janie giggled.

“You two are impossible.” Jack said with a smirk before getting up to retrieve their order.

“You should have…” Janie shook her head, “He should have let me get it.”

“Darlin’ he’s as stubborn  as the rest of us.” TJ answered. “So, are you happy with the gown we found for the coronation?”

“I am, I can’t wait to see how it looks after it’s fitted. Oh my god TJ, I’ve never been in a “fitted” couture gown before and I’m…” She paused her gushing, “Thank you Jack.”

“I take it you had success?”

“Yes.” Janie’s face flooded with color, “It’s amazing, I can’t thank you enough for such a fairytale.”

“Ugh, don’t say fairytale.” Jack pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Why not?”

“I had some pretty unsavory nightmares yesterday and last night that had to do with fairytales. I’m still tired.”

“Well, it’s a dream come true, and not a nightmare.” Janie continued her happy chatter about the dress, bringing the smile back to Jack’s face.

“I’m glad you’re happy Janie. It might make going back tolerable.”

“I thought you said you’d be willing to go back.” Janie frowned.

“I did, and I will. I’ll focus on having fun with you, and on seeing Eli again, but the nightmares, well, I’ll have at least 4 therapy sessions under my belt before going back, and hopefully almost two weeks without any more nightmares, maybe I’ll feel better about it as it gets closer.”

“I hope so, not for my sake either.”

“You know I know that, right?” Jack asked, taking TJ’s vanilla steamer and taking a sip.

“I do Jack, but you know me.”

“Hey! Get your own.” TJ complained.

“Tastes really good.” Jack said, handing the cup back and leaning in for a kiss. “Mmmm tastes better on your lips.”

“Eew, you two and your unnatural display.” Janie stuck her tongue out before winking. “I wanna see.”

TJ leaned across and kissed Janie, “See?”

“I meant the drink Jerkface.” Janie complained, then tugged TJ back for another kiss, “I like it. Don’t tell Bucky.”

“You’re a little shit Janie.” TJ laughed, passing his drink across for her to sample.

“Mmm, it’s good. I’ll remember it for when I have one of those kinds of days.” She said seriously, before adding, “You can go back to kissing your boyfriend now.”

“Thanks darlin’.” TJ replied, “Think I will.”

Jack kissed TJ again before taking another bite of pastry. “You two are the best.”

“You really _do_ need therapy Jack.” Janie teased. “So, off to work after this huh? Nervous or excited?”

“It’s just a meeting. Informal, at Steve’s apartment. Nothing to get nervous about yet.”

“I imagine you’ll be renting an office, with a frosted glass window in the door, you’ll have something innocuous printed on the glass because you’re a secret agent for…” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “ _them_.”

“You’re hilarious, as usual. I’ll probably be working at the apartment.”

“You need a private space so you can keep all of your top secret documents out of the hands of _civilians_.”

“Shut up Janie. You’re so out there.” Jack chuckled, “It’s really very endearing.”

“It would be if it was occasional, but it’s a _constant thing._ ” TJ complained. “It _never stops._ ”

“Now who’s out there, and hilarious?” Janie asked innocently, hiding behind her coffee cup. “Don’t _beat_ _me_.”

Jack paled. “Janie, never.”

“Janes. Stop.” TJ said, concerned. “Not that, ok?”

Janie looked at Jack, and then at TJ, setting her coffee down slowly, “Shit, I’m sorry. What’d I miss?”

“I’ve been having some concerns again, about violence. The nightmares. I’ve brought it up to my therapist and everything, but I’m a little sensitive I guess.”

“I hope you know I was teasing. I’m sorry. If it has you worried, I’m glad you’re going to work on it. For the record, I’ve never been concerned about it.”

“I know. This one said the same thing. It’s me, it’s my past, and being back there, the fight and how I lost it during.”

“Ok. Well, I won’t play that card again. Forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive Janie. You’re adorable as always.”

“Ooh, adorable.” Janie cooed, “I can work with adorable.”

The trio worked on their pastries and coffee as they discussed the coming plans, including Janie’s trip to Gilboa and what on earth she’d do at a _coronation_.  When Jack’s cup was empty, he reached for TJ’s hand, “I gotta go.”

“Do you think you’ll be home for dinner? I can cook something.”

“I’m not sure, I’ll let you know?”

“Do you know how to get there?” Janie asked, “First time navigating New York on your own.”

Jack considered all possible responses, “I have the directions, I think I’ll be ok, thanks Janie.”

“Just wondering, it wasn’t that long ago you were a lost puppy.” She smiled softly.

“I knew you were going there. I’m a lot less ‘lost’ than that first time out in the city. Thanks, in part, to you Janie.”

Jack rose and kissed Janie’s cheek. TJ stood and pulled Jack into a hug before kissing him. “You let us know if you feel like a lost puppy again, ok?”

“You’re just jealous.” Jack smirked, he rubbed his thumb over TJ’s jaw. “I’ll call if I need redirection.”

“You could just hire a car.” TJ suggested, for the fourth time today.

“I know. I want to be able to navigate the streets of my new home. I’ll have a car bring me home, it’s safer that way, and will cause you less worry.”

“You’re right. It will.”

“Do you see what he does to me Janie?”

“What? He cares.” She smiled warmly, “I’d have said the same damned thing.”

Jack left the coffee shop feeling warm.  He made his way across town feeling less exposed. Hell, maybe he was in a codependent relationship, but seeing TJ, checking in with him and Janie made him feel less insecure as he rode the train.

“Baby steps.” He said to himself as he walked the steps at his stop. He stepped out of the way and consulted his phone for his final directions, and headed toward Steve’s apartment.

The brownstone was appealing from the outside, shaded by ancient trees. The walk-up was in good repair and the door, though heavy and old, had a fresh coat of red paint. He was met at the door by Sam who was just heading out, “Hey Jack, Steve said you were close. Perfect timing, you can go up.”

“Hey Sam. Leaving so soon?”

“Are you kiddin? I’ve been here since yesterday, time to get back to my own business.”

“Here.” Jack stopped, and dug into the bag, pulling out a pastry with a napkin. “I brought more than enough. They’re pretty good.”

“Thanks Jack. We should get a proper coffee one of these days.”

“I’d like that; I’ve got therapy across town on Mondays and Wednesdays, if you’re available.”

“Let’s make a plan. Nice to see you, although, they weren’t kidding you got messed up.”

“Yeah. I’ll tell you all about it over coffee. Is Steve alone?”

“Would you believe Bucky’s already found himself work?” Sam sounded incredulous and a little bit proud.

“I didn’t think you two had hit it off that well, you seem happy for him.”

“I’m glad for the guy, he shouldn’t have too much time on his hands. It doesn’t bode well for someone with so much to think on.”

“So where’s he working?”

“Bookstore halfway down the block.” Sam said, taking a bite of his pastry, “I can take one to him if you’d like, he’s got a book on hold for me, I’m headed there before going home.”

“Sounds like he may have found a good fit; when did he start?” Jack pulled out two more pastries and watched Sam make them into a bundle from a bandanna he pulled from his bag.

“Yesterday he got the job, by sweet-talking the owner, he started this morning. Damn Barnes, charming everyone he meets.”

“Everyone but you that is.” Jack said, amused.

“He’s ok.” Sam shrugged. “Thanks Jack. I’ll call you about coffee. Don’t let _that one_ overwhelm you on your first day. We need you.”

“Thanks Sam.” Jack chuckled. “I won’t.”

“Top of the stairs on the right.” Sam called back over his shoulder.

Jack jogged up the stairs, forgetting that maybe he should just walk; he slowed down as he reached the final steps. He must have looked beaten when Steve answered.

“Jack? Are you ok?”

“Yeah, forgot about the bruises for a bit there, took the stairs too quickly.” Jack answered, feeling embarrassed.

“Secret’s safe with me.” Steve chuckled, “Have a seat, catch your breath.”

“I like the place.” Jack offered as he carefully settled into the sofa.

“It’s growing on me. I really do like the neighborhood.”

“I see your point about the structure, but it’s kind of homey, as long as you don’t get a lot of bulk against the walls.”

“I really like your idea about the shelves, Janie’s idea, whatever.”

“Janie had the brainstorm about the built-ins, TJ added on with the idea for a mirrored shelf on the other side of that arch.”

“I like all of it. Bucky’s excited about the shelves now that he’s got a regular outlet for acquiring books.”

“Yeah, the bookstore, that’s great. Sam told me before he left. I’m going to have to check this bookstore out.” Jack handed Steve the bag of pastries, “Janie went overboard, bought the whole case, there should be something you’ll enjoy in there. I gave a couple to Sam for Bucky, and one for him.”

“Great, come to the kitchen, coffee’s in there. I haven’t figured out the right furnishings for the living room yet, with the space issue, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Kitchen’s the best place to gather, even back home. Janie’s place is missing the separation, but we still wind up clustered around there somehow.” Jack said, easing up from the sofa. They sat at a small dinette set by the window, “I like this, very retro.”

“It’s Sam’s idea of a joke, but the joke’s on him, the chrome, and the colors work in the small space.”

“A joke huh?”

“Yeah, it’s from the 50’s, he said it was old like us, but he got the era wrong. Says, “That’s ok, you both missed the 50’s anyway.” Bucky liked it right away, to be honest, so did I.”

“I kind of pegged you for a hardwood type.”

“I thought so too, but I think it would look wrong, too heavy, and dark. You can see the window here all the way from the entry and this keeps the space brighter. That works for some of Buck’s demands, keeping the place bright. I also thought it might not be sturdy enough for a couple of guys our size, but it holds up.”

“Maybe you’ll want industrial bolts to hold the pieces together, you know, if you start throwing them at each other WWF style.” Jack mused.

Steve laughed. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, the two of us have fought each other one too many times as it is.”

They talked about what Steve wanted from Jack, how he’d be able to help, and what Jack would need to be able to do the job. “It’s thankless, Jack. I’m sorry for that.”

“If, by thankless, you mean I won’t have my face on magazines and in papers, I’m fine with that. First, I’ve had that all my life, and something tells me I’m going to have more than my fair share going forward, just by being the ‘castaway prince’ and ‘boy toy to the first son’.”

“Even though you sound slightly put out by those, I presume, self-assigned headlines, you don’t sound bitter.”

“I’m trying a new tact. I’ve been bitter, mean, downright heartless Steve. I don’t like who I was and I’m going to therapy to make sure I am not him again. I know you’ve done your research. I know you know my history, I don’t think you’d be warning me that I won’t be allowed to be publicly recognized for my work. I don’t have to tell you that the press is going to be poking into my life, trying to find out if I’m frittering my life away. They’ll be looking for information.”

“I know, that’s why Maria Hill is your supervisor at Stark Industries. I’m nothing more than a friend as far as the press is concerned. They know about my involvement in Gilboa, they’ll be able to make that connection fair enough. Most of the time Maria will be contacting you, but I will as well, under the guise of social activities.”

“But the social activities are real enough.” Jack smiled. “The dynamic duo at home was teasing me about clandestine activities. Janie’s got a complete film noir scenario in her head. I think she’s got aspirations to be a real estate agent since she has some mystery office cooked up in her active imagination.”

They both laughed, “Janie’s the best. She’s the greatest thing to happen to Bucky. Little imp was the one that got the bookstore owner and him together.”

“She’s the one of the best things to happen to a lot of us, Steve. I’m glad Bucky likes her, she’s gone over him.”

“What do you say we go see Buck before he has to close up shop? You can see the store before you head back.”

“I’d like that.”

Steve handed Jack a padded backpack, “Tech, to get the job done.”

“Wow, thanks. I…”

“Coulda bought it yourself, I know. Think about it this way, it’s already secure, and all the tech you could need preloaded. Saves a step, and it is part of the job.”

Jack shouldered the pack, settling it gently, surprised, but pleased that it wasn’t as hard on his bruises as he’d expected. He preceded Steve out of the apartment and followed him from the building. They walked in the sunset, talking about Michelle, Eli, and David. Jack invited Steve to the coronation.

“Wow, thanks, I should probably make an appearance.”

“Bucky’s invited too, but I know how he feels about the place, so let him know after I go, ok? I don’t want him to think Michelle or I have any expectations.”

“I’ll do that. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders Jack.”

“When it’s screwed on right.” Jack grinned as they ducked through the door, causing the bell to tinkle.

“Hey Buck. How’s the first day?” Steve asked, running his fingers over the cover of a book on the counter.

“It’s been great. A little slow at times, but gives me a chance to get familiar with everything. Don’t tell me you needed a book all of a sudden?”

“Jack wanted to see the place so I figured the best thing to do was come down before you close, to make things difficult.”

“Jerk. Hey Jack. Thanks for the shelves, even though they’re not up yet, I think I’ll be filling them.”

“Hey Bucky, No problem. Janie knows best what you guys need. Do you know where I’d find books on anger management or codependency?”

“Yeah, this one looks great, and I think I’m going to get it for anyone who doesn’t have it by Christmas,” Bucky said, pulling out a bright yellow volume.

“Fuck Feelings” Jack said, pronouncing the asterisk in the title _F*ck Feelings_. “Sounds fun, opposite of what I was thinking.”

“Read the cover, and the intro.” Bucky stood by, arms folded, with a sly grin.

“I’ll take two.” Jack said as he finished skimming. “and I’m sure my therapist will love me.”

“As long as you love you, who gives a shit?” Bucky asked. “Thanks for supporting me in my new job. I’m sure that’s the only reason you came by.”

“I came by to see you, and your new digs. This place really seems to suit you.”

“Did you mean stale, and on the brink of shutting down?”

“Funny. No. I’m sure there’s about to be a resurgence in bookstores, and as for stale, that’s called the _smell of books_. It’s a thing that bibliophiles love.”

“I hope you’re right on the first point, I like this job. I can already tell.”

“How much longer before you’re done? I’m offering dinner.”

“We close in ten. It depends, I guess, on if you’re my last customer or not. I hope not longer than a half hour, but then again, it all depends on that little bell on the door.”

“I just have to let TJ know I won’t be home for dinner, promised I’d keep him updated.” Jack pulled out his phone and moved to a quiet corner of the little store, looking at the tall shelves and the new and old novels and reference titles.

“Hey Jack.” Janie picked up. “TJ’s finally sleeping. I had to pull out the ice packs and he finally took some ibuprofen.”

“Do I need to come home?”

“No, if you’re out, he’s sleeping. He was ok, he just did a little more than he’s used to, I just wanted you to know he’s ok and I’m not letting the phone wake him.”

“Good plan as long as you guarantee he’s ok.”

“He is, Jack, but stubborn as ever, I made us a sandwich to share so he had something on his stomach to take the pills. He’s adamant he doesn’t _need_ anything stronger. I am inclined to agree with him, I’m pretty sure he’s not just being prideful.”

“I agree, I had wondered, but he’d say something. He’d have a meltdown about failing, but he’d say something.” Jack half-chuckled. He listened as she described TJ’s familiar reassurance that he was ‘fine’ and that everyone was making a big deal out of things. “Yeah, he’s prideful all right, but he’s probably more aware of his pain than we are.”

“I know, I hate even suggesting it because he’s worked so hard and he’s been so strong. Not to mention what having the stuff around does to my head.”

“Which is why my prescription is with me and not there. If he did need something you’d have to go through the doctors, I trust that you’d go through the proper channels even if he started getting demanding.”

“Yes, I would definitely go through proper channels. I don’t allow myself to think there’s anything _but_ proper channels for that sort of thing. It’s not an option.”

“I’m sorry we brought this to your door Janie.”

“Don’t you dare. You were hurt, you’re being responsible, and he’s fine. There’s absolutely no reason for you to be sorry.”

“Are you staying close? Is that something I can ask you to do?”

“I am close by, just in case, and yes, you can always ask me to keep an extra eye on this one. The bedroom door is open and I’m hanging out on the sofa til you get home.” Janie said. “What’s up anyway?”

“In celebration of Bucky’s new job and mine, I’ve offered to take Steve and Bucky to dinner.”

“Jack, you’re an angel. Isn’t that bookstore the best?” Janie gushed.

“Yup. It’s great, I can’t imagine a better place for peace. I’ve already decided to bring TJ by; I think he’d love it here. The music section is great. Janie, I’ll see you in a couple of hours, but if TJ wakes up, tell him where I am, please?”

“Of course I will. Tell the boys ‘hi’ for me.”

“Hey Benjamin, you ready or not?” Bucky said from the door.

“Tell him to be quiet.” Janie said with a laugh, “I’ll let you go.”

“See you later Janie.” Jack said just before she ended the call. “Your girlfriend says to say ‘hi’ – I say you’re lucky I gave you the message.”

“I’m hungry, we’re closed, what did you want me to do?” Bucky asked.

“Hungry I can take care of.” Jack smirked, following Steve out the door.

The three men walked down the road to the nearest eating establishment, which happened to be a diner, giving Steve and Bucky another sense of ‘home’. They were seated at a corner booth per Bucky’s request, and apology to Jack.

“No need, I understand the urge. TJ sits in the open, and having a reaction is just a thing I have to try to manage.”

“I don’t know why I forgot you were military.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s the fancy gear.” Jack smiled, no malice in his tone. “These are tales to tell people who haven’t seen, and done as much as either of you.”

“Or maybe people like us, who might understand.”

“Bucky, I wouldn’t want to burden you with that. You’ve…”

“Please don’t Jack. I don’t want to have people always look at me like the worst-case scenario. It might be true, but I already know it, and I wouldn’t be comparing my experiences to yours negatively, only enough to commiserate.”

“I appreciate the offer. I might bother you with that sometime.”

“Why don’t you _tell_ TJ that it’s a problem?” Steve asked, “He seems the kind of guy who would accommodate you.”

“He would, and he’d bend over backward to do it, and he’d make a big deal out of it until I begged him to stop. It’s easier to count the exits, watch the windows, and mostly pay attention to what he’s saying while we eat. It’s getting easier, too.”

“Can’t always eat in a foxhole.” Bucky said with a laugh.

“Thank god it’s not required. But I know what you mean.”

They ordered and ate, and Bucky and Jack each flirted with the server and made her blush. Steve finally shook his head, “I don’t know how you do it. I’ve watched this one my entire life growing up and never learned a lick from him. You both put me to shame individually, together, I might as well not even be here.”

“Bullshit. She’s ignoring us for the strong silent type. Be polite, thank her, and smile. That’s all she needs from you.” Jack laughed. “In fact, we’re actually helping your cause. The more ridiculous we are, the more she’s watching for your shy smiles.”

“Ten bucks says she leaves her number on the check.” Bucky added. “You have to be honest with us though.”

“But Jack’s getting the check, it’ll obviously be for him.”

“No “Dad”, you’re the responsible one here, I’m kicking in another ten to say she hands the check to you, not me.”

“Wait, only Bucky gets to call me “dad” and even Bucky doesn’t get to do it.”

“Fine, Gramps.” Jack laughed.

“You’re in fine form today.” Steve commented.

“My mood has improved. Thank you for getting me out, it lets me get my head around something constructive. I’d hoped TJ would have had the same chance with his music and stuff. Turns out he’s not quite ready to be active, but tried it anyway, so now he’s at home sleeping. I’d like to encourage him to reschedule his meeting tomorrow, but he’s so determined and excited about the prospect.”

“It does sound like an exciting opportunity, I’m sure with you and Janie to bug him, he’ll take everything else slowly.” Bucky offered, “If not, call one of us and we’ll come stand guard.”

“I might have to do that, but you’ve got your job, and this one’s got to save the world or something.”

“I can start with saving TJ a hospital bill. Maybe I’ll stop by just because.”

“If you do, I’ll spring for pizza. Can we somehow pretend we’re not babysitting TJ?”

“He’ll just have to accept that I felt a need to visit and see how he’s doing since he was injured. Of course, you and I can talk a little business when it’s clear he’s tired.”

“How IS It that you’re volunteering your services, anyway?”

“I’ve got a lot of experience being the bruised but proud one being pushed back down against his will, I thought I could offer a different option than just shoving him in bed and telling him to let his body heal.”

Bucky had the grace to blush, “So, I tried really hard to keep him from dying, this is the thanks I get.”

“That’s true?”

“All true, mostly. Possibly something was exaggerated, but I’d say in my case maybe there was more omitted for many years, than exaggerated. It wasn’t until the Smithsonian exhibit that some things were declassified.”

“You can’t possibly exaggerate either of our histories. It boggles the mind. What else boggles the mind? Erskine looked at his list of ailments and said, “Yes this one looks nice.”

“Hey, it worked.” Steve shrugged, shyly smiling at ‘Millie’ the server.

“She’s hooked, I tell ya.” Jack teased. “However, you might want to keep your list of ailments to yourself.”

“Jack, please.” Steve blushed.

“This one?” Millie took the bait, “He looks healthy as a horse.”

“Yup, he’s a regular Clydesdale, this one.” Bucky said fondly. “Not your garden variety workhorse.”

“I didn’t know gardens needed workhorses. Farms, yes, but gardens? Just how big a plot you planning to plow Bucky?”

“I’m so sorry for my friends.” Steve said honestly.

“Don’t apologize. They’re entertaining.”

“I’m glad you’re entertained. Thanks for putting up with us.” Steve smiled as she handed him the check.

Jack dug out his credit card and handed it to her with a big grin. “Yes, thank you for putting up with us. It’s my first night out in over a year. I may have forgotten how to handle myself in public.”

“You’re fine Mister Benjamin, I hope you have a nice night.” She said, reading his name from his card. Within minutes they were roughhousing Steve, trying to get the check from him as they walked up the street. Jack backed off and let Bucky lunge for the slip of paper, his bruises only allowing for so much action.

“Called it Rogers, pay up. Ten to me, ten to Jack. We both called it, and you’re going to be calling her, right? Look, she’s adorable, has the real old-fashioned name of “Millie” and she’s already been introduced to me and to Jack, yet gave _you_ her number anyway. Only thing killing this romance might be Wilson.”

Jack laughed through some soreness in his torso, he hadn’t laughed as much as he’d done tonight since the fight, and he made the mistake of joining super-soldiers in a little roughhousing.

“You ok Jack?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, sore. I’m glad I have the option to call a car, and I’m glad I promised TJ I would do so. I’d hate to take the train, feeling beat like this, I haven’t laughed this much since before we left for Gilboa. Oh, Bucky, you don’t mind Janie being my date for a few days in two weeks, do you? She’s escorting me to Michelle’s coronation.”

“That’s nice, she’ll like that, she could use the diversion. Of course I don’t mind.”

“Well, you’re invited too. I didn’t want to make you feel pressure, I was just going to let Steve tell you. If you’d rather she be your date, of course you should escort her.”

“I don’t feel any pressure to go, I’ll send a gift, if that’s a thing? I’ll send my congratulations. Steve? Are you going?”

“Yeah, I thought I could go and represent both of us.”

“So if Janie’s escorting you, I take it TJ’s staying behind?”

“Yeah, he’s going to need the time to recover, plus he’s very hopeful that tomorrow’s meeting will put him to work.”

Then if he’s not opposed, I might spend some time with him when I’m tired of listening to my own thoughts.”

“I’ll pass it along, but I’m pretty sure he won’t be opposed. I know I wouldn’t be opposed to someone making sure he’s not constantly alone with his own thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I completely trust him, he just hasn’t been alone since before the two of us got together, and I know recently he doesn’t like to be too alone.”

“I understand, part of the reason I’m jumping in there is for my sake, I don’t mind being around someone I like and trust. Sometimes I don’t like to be alone for too long.” Bucky said, understanding TJ’s plight.

Jack called the car service as they walked. Once they arrived at the brownstone, the three sat and/or stood on the stoop talking. “I like your neighborhood.” Jack observed, “You two think you can make a home in the here-and-now?”

“I plan to give it my best shot.” Steve answered.

“You seem ‘grounded’ a little more than the last time I saw either of you, of course being in the middle of all that mayhem might have something to do with it. You both _look_ like you fit in here.”

“The place is older than we are, I think it helps.” Bucky said with a smile.

“That’s something that I can’t wrap my head around. You both – old. Not just that, but you grew up in a completely different time, how is it you’re both not only so accepting of things like homosexuality, you also seem new-age comfortable with TJ and me.”

“Jesus, Jack. We’ve seen worse things than people loving one another. There were times I had to do a double-take, but mostly that was because of the bad time people used to have just being themselves. You don’t think we’d never seen queer people before?” Steve said.

“Pulled this one off of more homophobic bullies than I can count. He nearly went the rounds with police trying to entrap a young kid.”

“Pulled me off? You joined the fray.” Steve shook his head. “A bully’s a bully. Never liked ‘em, never will. As for you and TJ. God, you two put up with a version of me that was just… I’d been the rounds. I’d given up so many times and there was one more trail to follow, you treated me well when I was more than a little fragile. People do that, they’re friend material.”

“You already know I owe you one just for putting your neck in the wringer.” Bucky said, “I wasn’t going to like you. I was fed up with your type. Leaders, privileged, and the son of a despotic king destined to assume his role. I had nothing nice to say or think about you when Steve found me. He told me you were a decent guy. I wasn’t inclined to believe him, but you were a fucking decent guy after all. TJ? He’s just a puppy, a sweet kid I’d probably taken under my wing back in the day.”

“This is getting awfully close to emotional, you’d better stop.” Jack warned with a misty smile.

“You’re right. Terrible.” Bucky shook his head, “Looks like your car’s coming from down the road. Thanks for dinner. Payday, I repay the favor.”

“I’ll be in Gilboa, make it the payday after.” Jack groaned as he stood up. “Should never have sat down.”

“Take care, Jack.”

“I will, thanks guys. I’ll probably bring TJ around to check out the store in a few days, depending on how he’s moving around. He should be loosening up over the next few days, and he’ll be getting cabin fever by then.”

“Great, see you then.” Bucky waved as Jack opened the door to the car.

“See you tomorrow Jack.” Steve called as Jack got into the car. “Thanks again.”

“You’re welcome, thank you both too.”

Jack sat against the plush seat-back with a sigh. He had something new and amazing. Friendships with the sole purpose of being there, no agendas. Give-and-take instead of all take. He sent a text to TJ’s phone, with the knowledge that Janie would have it still, “I’m on my way home, does anyone need anything while I’m out.”

“No, TJ’s still sleeping, I’m going to bed as soon as you get home, and not before.”

“You can go to bed before.”

“Who’ll watch TJ?”

“Does he need watching that badly?”

“You said stay close.”

“Go to bed Janie. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Ok, night Jack :)”

Jack smiled. He didn’t just have friends, these people were family.

Jack was quiet when he made his way up the stairs of the building, making a note to call the superintendent first thing in the morning about the lights in the hallways for once and for all. He let himself into the warmly lit apartment, half expecting to see Janie on the sofa still.

He was pleased and surprised to be wrong. He peeked into her room , if she were awake, he’d say ‘goodnight’ in person. She was curled into her pillow, facing the door. He smiled at her peaceful face, fanned by the curls that fell loose. Quietly he backed out of her doorway and hurried through the nighttime bathroom ritual before going in to crawl into bed next to TJ.

Jack approached the bed, seeing TJ sleeping on his side of the bed, he walked around to TJ’s side. He stood, watching TJ sleep for the longest time before figuring out the best way to get into the bed without jostling TJ too much or abusing his own bruises more than he had already done all day.

Once he was situated in bed, not entirely uncomfortable on the wrong side, he brushed a thumb over TJ’s cheek. He couldn’t resist the smile when TJ’s eyes fluttered open, “welcome home.”

“Sorry I’m late.”

“Have fun?”

“Mm-hmm. You’re coming next time. Steve and Bucky are great. Took ‘em to dinner to celebrate Bucky’s new job. You’re next you know.”

“I’ll find out in the morning.” TJ yawned, cringing.

“Still hurts, huh?”

“You think it’ll ever not? I’m starting to accept that it’s going to stay this way.” TJ took Jack’s fingers in his hand. “Bucky got a new job?”

“Yeah, works at a bookstore right on their block. Their neighborhood is great. If I didn’t love Janie so much, I’d say we should move there.”

“They’d get sick of us.” TJ smiled sleepily.

“Someone’s bound to get tired of us as it is.” Jack laughed softly. “I was going to bring home a slice of pie for you, but teasing Steve about the server made it slip my mind.”

“It’s ok. You’ll make it up to me another day.” TJ answered. “How are you feeling after such a long day?”

“Old.” Jack sighed, “But incredibly loved.”

“Oh really? I haven’t even said it yet tonight.”

“You don’t even have to.” Jack kissed TJ’s temple. “I can feel it coming off of you. People I knew all of my life never made me feel as loved as people I’ve known for mere weeks.”

“What happened between you three tonight?” TJ teased.

“It wasn’t anything, I was curious about how two guys from the early twentieth century didn’t have a problem with a couple of queer guys but my own family was so against it, I asked why they didn’t seem bothered by us, they practically told me they love us. I mean, not those words…”

“But in the moment, you felt it. You deserve that Jack. I’m glad you’re finally feeling it. It sounds like you had a good night.”

“Best part was coming home. I really didn’t want to wake you, but I'm glad we could talk.”

“I’ve been sleeping most of the day, or the afternoon, anyway. I feel like such a waste of space.”

“You’re recovering. It’s bound to hit you like that a little. In a couple of days I think we should go see Bucky at the store, that store’s amazing and he seems _happy._ Oh, I got you something.”

“Don’t worry about it tonight, give it to me in the morning. Remember, I’m codependent and I’ve been without you most of the day. Hold me?”

“I’ll hold you, but I don’t think you’re really codependent. I think maybe borderline. I also think you’ve been alone so long, it’s normal to reach out. Keep going to therapy, but don’t get hung up on labels. You’ll love the book I got you. Bucky recommended it for me, but I knew you’d enjoy it too.” Jack kissed TJ’s temple again, “I love you TJ. I’ve missed you today.”

“I love you too, Jack. I’m really glad you had a good day.” TJ nestled in Jack’s careful embrace. “Goodnight Jack.”

“Goodnight TJ. Here’s to no nightmares tonight.”

TJ kissed Jack’s neck and nuzzled close to him. “You’re safe with me. You’re loved, and you deserve it. Remember all of the good things from today and you’ll have sweet dreams.”

“Sweet?” Jack moved so that their noses touched, looking at TJ with love and humor, “I’d settle for mellow, weird would be ok too. I don’t expect anything sweet.”

“You’re going to have to trust me. Sweet dreams Jack.”

“Sweet dreams Kitten.” Jack closed his eyes and let sleep wash over him.

TJ brought his hand to Jack’s bruised cheek, approving of the lightened color. His long fingers rested gently there as he counted his blessings and slipped into slumber.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Join me while I follow Bucky for a day, this picks up where Jack left Steve and Bucky the night before (in the previous chapter) and follows him through the next day.

“So, you’re saying I was right?” Steve looked at Bucky where he was sitting on the stoop.

“I haven’t said anything to you for about forty minutes.” Bucky looked up. “What are you talking about?”

“You said I was saying good things about Jack. He’s a good kid, right?”

“Didn’t I say as much? You have to be right?”

“Doesn’t hurt, especially since I was.” Steve laughed at Bucky’s eye-roll.

“Ok, so you might have been right about that one. We’re still going the rounds over Wilson though.”

“You love him and you know it.” Steve grinned. “He brought you pastries.”

“Correction, he delivered pastries that Jack brought, we’ve already agreed Jack’s a good guy.”

“Could have never let you know he had them.” Steve said, looking out over the street. “What changes this place has seen.”

“Yeah, I think I like it better that way. We have updated electricity and plumbing, and central air and heating. Besides, you and I’ve seen some changes too. Couldn’t be different and come back to someplace that wasn’t different too.”

“True. So you’re sure about Gilboa?”

“Yes. I can honestly say I’ve seen enough of that place. Can I ask you to give my regards to the only redeeming thing about the place, please? What about you? Are you going to call Millie tomorrow? You really should. I think you could really impress her with talk of the coronation.”

“You know? I was thinking about it.” Steve leaned against the railing, “I might just text and see when she works next and visit.”

“That’s bold Rogers.”

“Too bold?”

“For you? Yeah. Stammering into the phone would be more your speed.”

“You’re such an ass.” Steve chuckled, offering Bucky a hand up.

“Steve?”

“Yeah Buck?”

“Thanks for putting up with me.”

“Listening to you razzing me about my skills is far from putting up with you.”

“I mean everything else. You didn’t sign on for a full-time dependent. We both know that’s what’s been happening lately.”

“Buck… I expected you to be in far worse shape after Hydra, let alone the garbage they pulled on you in that prison in Gilboa. You haven’t been a dependent. Look at this? Your first week as a free man, you already have a job.”

“I didn’t know what I was coming into either, but I honestly didn’t think it would be an apartment, a home. I was afraid I’d wind up on the streets if I didn’t comply with your expectations, and I didn’t ever get any to have to comply with.”

“Bucky. You wouldn’t let me be alone after Ma died, what on earth makes you think I’d force you to be alone after all of this? End of the line means what it has always meant.”

“We haven’t gotten there yet. That’s good.” Bucky smiled. “I left my smokes in the apartment.”

“Would you believe I swiped one?” Steve produced a cigarette and lighter. “I wasn’t sure if I’d use it, last smoke I had was with you in Gilboa.”

“We do this just to remind ourselves or what?” Bucky asked.

“It’s… yeah, probably. Do you think about them? The Commandos?”

“Sometimes something comes to mind. Warm fires in cold air, laughing over cigarette and cigar smoke. The smell of war. Sometimes individual memories of Gabe and Dernier, or Dugan or any combination of the guys will accompany me and my cigarette.” Bucky said, casually taking the lit smoke from Steve. “A lot of the two of us, but so much of it was before the war. I guess it’s because we have the most intricate history.”

“I remember it like it was yesterday.”

“Your mind has always been a steel trap. Your memory was fucking gold before Erskine shored everything up. For me, it’s so much more like a ninety-something year old man trying to recall unimportant facts.”

“I think you _might_ be exaggerating.” Steve took a hit from the cigarette and handed it back. “You’re doing better now that you’ve got a stable place and you’re eating well. Even now, whatever version of the serum you’ve got inside you is working to repair the damage. It’s the only way you’re still standing.”

“That and I’m not getting regular zaps to delete everything all over again. Jesus, I shouldn’t be in a bookshop, I should be on the frontlines trying to burn those evil bastards to the ground.”

“You’re welcome to join the fight once you’re safe across the globe, until then, recover in the safe haven of the book store. It really seems to suit you.”

“’s long as I keep my temper in check.” Bucky smiled in spite of his outburst.

“Yeah. Hey, so this thing with Janie going to the coronation, are you sure you’re fine with it? Guess who I expect to ask me tomorrow if you said anything.”

“I’ll miss seeing her. I can imagine she’ll have a great time, and I meant it when I said she could use the escape. She’s still reeling from the death at work. That kid really got under her skin.”

They passed the cigarette back and forth a couple more times before heading in. “I can’t believe you painted the door red.” Bucky chuckled as the heavy door closed behind them.

“I couldn’t resist. The door needed attention.” Steve grinned, “I had time and Sam to help. I can’t wait to hear what the super has to say.”

“Better be “thanks for making my property look a thousand times better, here’s a discount on your rent”.”

“Don’t hold your breath.” Steve said, following Bucky up the stairs.

“I guess that would be too much to ask.” Steve heard from above him.

“Now you’ll admit I’m right. No witnesses.”

“That’s right. I have to rebuild a reputation, I gotta start somewhere familiar.” Bucky chuckled, opening the apartment door cautiously. Steve wasn’t fazed by the practice. He was all too familiar with it as an action he took as regularly as breathing. He’d apologized to Sam once for it and Sam had just laughed and told him he’d probably bitch slap him if he didn’t do it. “Sorry.” He heard Bucky mutter.

“I was just thinking about the first time I said “sorry” to Sam for the same thing. Don’t be. I do it all the time, or hadn’t you noticed?”

“I guess I suspected that you were appeasing me.” Bucky shrugged still taking stock of the apartment. “I should have considered the alternative, after talking to Jack, I’ll remember that if he has those tendencies, you’re bound to even more.”

“If this place doesn’t wind up the safest in Brooklyn with the two of us on guard, I’ll be surprised.”

“If it’s safe, I’ll happily have Janie over all the time.” Bucky smiled almost shyly.

“You two really hit it off, I’m glad Buck.”

“It wasn’t the plan, and it’s high time you took a chance too, you know. It’s no more frightening than having someone inject you with some mystery goo and bake you in an untested machine with god knows what kind of radiation.”

“Oh, a regular vaudevillian?”

“You betcha. Movie or book night? Or is it too late for you, gramps?”

“Movie. I’ll make popcorn if you want to make the selection.”

“Space or zombies?”

“Don’t expect me to say space zombies, that’s ridiculous.” Steve said from the kitchen. “Space, let’s save the zombies for another day.”

“Hmm… I don’t actually know if we have either. I was just being difficult.”

“Make it really far-fetched or really funny. I don’t want anything too deep or emotional, we’ve had a rough month.”

“It’s been easier than the previous ones, well, at least for me. Have you seen this one?” Bucky pulled up “Young Frankenstein” on the movie menu.

“No, not yet.”

“Me neither, but then you’d know what I’ve seen, since we’ve watched the sum total of those titles together this past ten days or so.” Bucky murmured, scrolling through the menu, just in case there was another option.

“I hope that’s not a problem, Buck.” Steve called from the kitchen. “You should take Janie to something new in the theater, I think you’d both like that.”

“Ok, but if you take Millie to a movie, you’d better make it the second date or something. You can’t just take a dame out and not talk to her. Maybe you should see how she feels about dancing, Janie’s going to have us all meet up soon.”

“Wow. You planning my wedding too Barnes?”

“You could wear white.” Bucky chuckled.

“You’re the best friend I ever had?” Steve lamented. “Why was I limiting myself?”

“Couldn’t do better back in the day. You’ve leveled up with Wilson.”

“Leveled up? One day of video games with Sam and you’re having me ‘leveling up’?”

“Did I not use it correctly?” Bucky asked in mock-dismay.

“You used it perfectly. You like Sam, he likes you. I don’t understand why you snark at each other even when the other can’t hear.”

“He snarks at me? Wait, can we go back to where you said “snark”?”

“Can we go back to where you sat quietly in the doorway holding a gun and looking menacing so that I could sleep protected?”

“Why? You scared Rogers?”

“No, I miss the quiet.” Steve laughed, sitting next to Bucky, putting the bowl between them, and handing him a beer.

“Well you’re the one talking. I’m trying to watch a picture.” Bucky smirked with a wink.

“I’m damn glad you’re here Buck.”

“I might be too.” Bucky admitted. “Thanks again.”

“You’re welcome.”

Steve wasn’t sure if Bucky had fallen asleep before or after he had, but when he woke, the TV was blank, having also gone to sleep. The bowl of popcorn had toppled and they were both strewn with the little buttery morsels. Luckily the beers they’d had had been set on the floor next to either end of the sofa and didn’t end up part of the spill.

Steve stretched and stood up from the couch, he brushed the better part of the popcorn back into the bowl, leaving the hard-to-reach remnants in and around Bucky’s lap. He made a mental note to vacuum the sofa in the morning. Across the back of the couch was a fluffy blanket that Bucky had picked up in the store, while they were collecting linens for the apartment. He picked Bucky’s legs up from where they draped over the floor, and positioned him as cautiously and carefully across the sofa as he could before covering him with the blanket.

He put the beer bottles and popcorn bowl in the kitchen, before shutting off all of the lights except the one over the range. He made one last visual sweep around the room, before he followed the dull glow from the lighted lamp in his room to his bed. Tired enough not to care, he sprawled across the bed diagonally face down on the comforter and thought he’d pull a blanket over him in just a minute.

...

When Bucky woke, it was to a tickle on his face. He brushed away the fuzzy blanket in a rush and sat up. Gaining his bearings, he saw that he was on the couch and the sun was peering through their kitchen window.

He rose from the couch, stretching, and yawning, and padded into the kitchen to stand next to the table and look out over the skyline. He scratched his belly and yawned again, thinking about the conversations he’d had recently. He was thankful for Steve. More than he had even begun to express. He still had nightmares about Hydra and about that dungeon in Gilboa, but he guessed there wasn’t enough time between he and them to allow his mind to settle completely.

The past few days, even the past week, were definitely more pleasant. He looked at the shining sun in the distance. He was up with the sun, he was smiling, and he’d slept peacefully. With another yawn, Bucky turned around to face the kitchen, his kitchen. He pulled out the coffee and the French press that Janie had given them. He put water in the kettle onto the stove, and breathed in the aroma of the coffee fresh out of the grinder before adding the grounds to the coffee apparatus.

Bucky looked into the refrigerator, wondering how it was that the simple motions of plodding through the apartment, looking for food, fixing coffee felt familiar. Even though most recently, they’d had every meal delivered while they were in the penthouse, before that he was lucky to get food twice a day for months. Further back, before that, either he had stolen, or if he was lucky enough to find an odd job to do, or a handout, had purchased energy bars, jerky, and bottled water to ration for days.

Shaking the thought away, he decided that it didn’t matter how this was familiar and comforting, it just mattered that he had the option. Bucky pulled out the dozen eggs and the packet of bacon, and set them on the counter; he then located the potatoes and tugged out a couple of good-sized ones. He thought about KP while peeling the potatoes. In basic he’d never let on that he didn’t _despise_ the duty. It had been a time to settle into his thoughts. The simple motion of peeling potatoes, the hot, steam of washing dishes, none of it was exciting, but it wasn’t as big a drag as some would make it out to be.

He set the skillet to heat while he chopped the potatoes to make country-fried potatoes. He whistled some familiar tune while he considered his next steps. Get the food together, take a shower, and get ready for his shift at the bookstore. Simple enough. As he pulled the juice out of the fridge, he remembered he’d want lunch too. He pulled out the packet of deli meat, then put it back, and closed the door.

After tossing the potatoes into the skillet and putting the bacon into a second skillet, he washed his hands and called Janie.

“Bucky, hi.” Her voice sounded like the sun streaming through their windows.

“Hi Janie, good morning. How are you?”

“I think it’s going to be a good day. How are you?”

“Well rested, even though I slept on the couch. Would you be able to come by this afternoon at about lunchtime?”

“I’m free all day. Back to the office starting next week, so I’m still a free agent. Should I bring something to the store?”

“Could you? I could take my break whenever you get there. Or we could go to the diner up the road if you’d prefer.”

“I’ll bring you lunch today and we can wait until you’ve gotten paid before you take me to lunch at the diner.” Janie answered. “When is a good time?”

“I’d say around one thirty? How does that sound?”

“It sounds great. What are you up to now?”

“KP duty.” Bucky said with a slight smile, as he started warming the egg skillet.

“Oh? Anything good?”

“The easy stuff, potatoes, bacon and eggs.”

“Oh boy, I’m bringing salad.” Janie decided with a laugh, “That really does sound good though.”

“I’m going to have fruit with it. I know it’s not very healthy, but it sounded good.” Bucky checked the potatoes.

“I’m not judging, I’m just bringing some vegetables to round it out. I hope your breakfast is as good as it sounded.” Janie sounded sincere.

Steve waved and Bucky smiled, pushing the coffee toward him.

“I know you’re not Janie. Salad sounds perfect. As for breakfast, if it tastes as good as it smells, I won’t be upset.”

“Ok, so I’ll see you at one thirty. Do you want me to bring anything else?”

“Surprise me. I’ll see you later. Steve says “hi”.”

“Hi Steve. I’d tell you to kiss him for me, but you’d probably do it and he’d hate me.”

“Hah, shows what you know. He’d love us both even more. He’ll have to tell you all about his first date with Millie. If he gets around to calling her that is.”

“I can’t wait to ask you all about this today at lunch.” Janie laughed. “Speaking of breakfast, Jack’s got mine warming. I’ll let you get back to yours. See you later.”

“Later Janie.”

“I’m going to text her today, you know.” Steve said as Bucky ended the call.

“You really are? I mean, you should, but way to go Steve. Breakfast?”

“Yeah, thanks. You're up early.”

“I am, but I slept through the night, so that’s a new one.”

“Did you wake up on the couch?” Steve took a fork from the drawer and stabbed a potato in the skillet.

“I did, did you tuck me in?” Bucky took the bacon from the pan and let it drain on a towel-lined plate.

“I did. Cleaned up most of the spilled popcorn. Some of it was getting familiar with your inseam, so I left those for you.”

“I’m sure you were just protecting your jaw from a fist. That would have been a rude awakening.” Bucky grinned, sampling a piece of hot bacon, carefully.

“Potatoes are good. You sharing this?”

“I am. If you’ll pull out some fruit and wash it you can have some of this.”

“You drive a hard bargain Barnes.” Steve answered, taking down plates and glasses before getting into the refrigerator for fruit.

Bucky dished up the potatoes and bacon, while watching as Steve prepared the fruit. This whole thing was familiar and foreign at the same time. They used to fix meals side-by-side in a much smaller kitchen than this, they also had less to fix, and fresh fruit was almost a luxury.

“What?” Steve asked, looking up with pink cheeks and a bashful smile.

“I was about to say ‘remember when’ but so much is different.”

“There’s a lot more to fix.” Steve agreed, putting the fruit into two bowls and following Bucky to the table. “I never thought something so normal would be in my grasp again.”

“Honestly? Me neither. Not so long ago I was hiding in abandoned beaver hutch, and now I can wander barefoot from a popcorn strewn couch to the kitchen in my old neighborhood, I can cook breakfast and make coffee, and I can even walk outside of my own place without hiding.”

“Making dates and teasing your hopeless friend.” Steve agreed, sitting across from Bucky. “It’s long overdue. You deserve it Buck and more, this is just the basics.”

“Basics were more than I could dream. I’ll take ‘the basics’.”

“OK, baby steps.” Steve agreed, taking a big bite of the food Bucky’d prepared. “Good eats Buck.”

“Thanks, can’t exactly fuck up the basics.”

“You’d be surprised. It’s good.”

“Don’t get used to it.”

“Nah, I’m just happy I didn’t have to fend for myself this morning and it was nice to have the smell of bacon and coffee as the things that woke me.”

“I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it again, I just don’t know how often I’ll be able to be so organized.” Bucky felt he should add. “I enjoy the process.”

“Maybe we can work on a routine. It’s supposed to be a healthy way to be. You’ve got a work schedule and you should eat before going to work. If we both make a plan, and work together, it could help us both settle into this weird, new world.”

“I thought you were all settled.”

“Hell no. I wake up and there’s an alien invasion. I try to get settled, and I find you’re alive and being tortured, so I spend a couple of years looking for you. None of that’s settled at all. This is the first week I’ve tried being ‘normal’ since before DC happened.”

“Fuck. So we’re both just floundering.”

“Yeah, so what do you say? We flounder together until we have our footing?”

“Ok, but if I deck you when you try to wake me up one morning, remember it was your idea.”

Steve chuckled, even as he kept the warning in the back of his mind. “I’ll remember that. I’ll try not getting so close until you’ve gotten used to the routine of having someone wake you.”

“I’m used to people removing me from my sleep. Just be gentle.”

Steve wanted to laugh, but he knew it wasn’t funny. He’d seen videos and read reports. He knew how terribly Bucky had been treated. He only knew how disoriented he’d been when he’d awoken in 2012, he couldn’t begin to imagine being hosed down after being dragged from cryo.

“I’ll call you from the other side of your door. I almost said I’d stand in the doorway, but I don’t want to be knife-throwing target practice.”

“I’m not that bad. Not anymore.”

“I’m glad I didn’t get to be the one to do the honors until you weren’t ‘that bad, anymore’. Besides, I know you sleep with a knife under your pillow. I’ll play it safe.”

“So, how do you feel – morning routine partner – about washing dishes this morning? I need to get a shower and head down.”

“I’d say the old rule applies. You cook, I wash. Thanks for cooking today Buck. It really hit the spot.”

“You’re welcome. Leave me a note, text, or call if you get a date tonight. I’d like to know if I’m fixing food for one or two.”

“Unless I’m home and get it done before you.”

“Or you can make a date with that cute Millie and take her out after her waiting on people all day. In fact, there’s your sales pitch. You think she deserves to have someone serve her… etcetera…”

“Wow, you’re really digging in.”

“Yeah. I figure I should pick up where we left off when you were just a skinny kid.” Bucky took his plate to the sink. “I’m gonna go get ready for work.”

“I’ll do these dishes and then I’ll get ready to “drop by” TJ’s.”

“Tell him ‘hey’ from me. I have to figure out a proper thank you for that kid. He’s been almost a bigger fan than you.”

“Maybe it’ll come to you while you’re stocking bookshelves.” Steve offered to Bucky’s back as his friend rounded the corner into the bathroom.

Bucky turned the shower on, grinning at how fast the water heated. Yeah, some nostalgia was ok, a diner, a girl named Millie, home cooked breakfast, but a modern water heater was the way to go.

Bucky arrived at the store with five minutes to spare before opening. He was glad he’d had everything taken care of the night before. He opened the store on time, counting the cash for the till after turning the sign and the lock. Maybe he’d splurged time today, but he didn’t regret a minute of it. Fresh coffee, joking with Steve, and a full belly had put him in a good mood. Not to mention lunch plans with his favorite redhead.

The patrons were mostly in line with his good mood, with the exception of a self-absorbed executive who wasn’t interested in Bucky’s recommendations or anything remotely diversionary from his mission, which was to obtain a specific book, a book that was on backorder in all bookstores, _and online._

“I can order it for you, sir,” that nearly stuck in his throat. This guy was big, older, and blonde with gray at the temples. He had a square jaw, a stiff suit, and a gruff attitude. He reminded Bucky, painfully, of Alexander Pierce. Talking to the man in a deferential manner was the biggest challenge he could imagine right now. He brought forward thoughts of bigger challenges that he’d surmounted, including the one-armed escape from Gehenna, and coached himself ‘you _can_ do this. He’s _just a customer_. He’s not a dungeon in Gilboa, he’s not a hydra handler, he’s just a self-absorbed ass.’

“When would I get it?”

“It’s on backorder everywhere, with no current projected ship date. You’d receive an email when it is about to ship.” Bucky heard the bell on the door tinkle and saw Janie wave and step toward the sci-fi section. “Good afternoon. I’ll be right with you.” he said cheerfully.

“Fine.” The man grumbled. “Let’s pre-order it then. What’s the point of a bookstore if I could get the same information online.”

“I understand it’s inconvenient today. I apologize. Usually a local store is more convenient; it’s just been such a popular title, when even online retailers are out of stock.” Bucky said genially as he entered the customer’s information. “Here’s a discount for a future visit, and I’ve gone ahead and entered a discount code on your order as well. I hope you have a better day, sir.” He tried _so hard_ not to let that sir sound bitter or mean.

Bucky thought that maybe he heard a gruff ‘thank you’ as the man took his credit card and receipt. As soon as the door closed, “Janie, turn the sign, quick, and lock the deadbolt.”

“That bad?”

“Just that guy. Half an hour of bitching about a book that nobody in the country can pick up _right now_ not being available to _him_.

“It’s a good thing I splurged on you then.” Janie handed Bucky a milkshake. “I know, it’s the exact opposite of a salad. I thought maybe you’d let me have a taste.”

“You’re a godsend.” Bucky kissed Janie. “Come with me, I’m going to show you something.”

She followed him out a side door marked “emergency exit only” to a slab of concrete with overgrown trees and vines.

“Sorry it’s a little extra green, and a little extra dusty.” He had her stand by the door as he brushed leaves and dirt away from them and off the drop-off with a broom. “I was planning to do at least _that much_ before you got here, but there was 'Mister Impatient'.”

“It’s cute.” Janie smiled. “I like it.”

“I like it too. I had a little brainstorm today and I think I’m going to talk to the owner. There’s enough room over there for a small coffee cart, maybe this could be a coffee space. I’d clean up the overgrowth and even repair the furniture that’s out here, if she was interested.”

“I think you’re brilliant, I would buy a cup and a book and sit out here.”

“That’s what I was thinking. Of course when you have 'Mister Impatient' and 'Ms. Entitled' in the shop at the same time, I might get murderous.”

“Nah, you were perfect in there with Mister Impatient. What a gentleman.” Janie smiled, sitting on the slightly wobbly chair.

“I had to fight everything to _be_ a gentleman to that fool. It doesn’t help that he really, strongly, reminded me of my last Hydra handler.”

Janie frowned, “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t intend to say that aloud. It’s true though. He freaked me out at first.” Bucky took the salads out of the plastic bag Janie had set on the table. “Try the milkshake, it’s really good.”

“Don’t censor yourself with me. If I get sad, it’s not you. Let me just repeat, knowing what I know now about the situation, you were _perfect_ with him. You should be proud. You managed successfully, to sell him the book he couldn’t take with him, even though he was more than happy to make you miserable about it the whole time. _And_ you did it while being somewhat terrorized by the reminder of your own personal hell. You did an amazing job.”

Bucky watched Janie ardently praise him while she rooted around in her salad for a tomato, and then punctuated her final comment by stabbing her tomato-fork in his direction. “You’re too good for me.” He smiled. “Thanks for the glowing recommendation and the salad-milkshake combination.”

“You’re welcome.” She answered, swallowing her bite. “I meant it.”

“I know. It means a lot more because I know you do.”

“How are you guys settling into your apartment?” Janie asked, taking her next bite while he answered.

“I can’t say yet. It’s still new and surreal. I fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. I woke up and fixed breakfast. Steve offered to set a new routine for both of us where we’ll both get up in the mornings and fix something for breakfast.”

“I approve. Routines are perfect. They keep the negative stuff in smaller doses, because you’re filling the time with purpose. Doing it together will be beneficial for both of you. I’m surprised he offered. He seems like the ‘I’ll do it myself’ type.”

“He is, except for when someone else is in need, and then he’s all ‘together we prevail’. He’s an enigma.”

“Well, it’s going to be good for him, as well as you, so I hope you’ve agreed to it.”

“As a matter of fact, I did. It was a moment of weakness and nostalgia.”

“It’s not weakness Bucky.”

“No, I know. I'm actually glad for it.” Bucky nodded, he nibbled his lip, watching her, “How are you, really?”

“It’s a better day now. I had a little pity party on the train over. I saw a little guy that reminded me of Alex and…” She blew out a breath. “I cried. I had to redo my makeup at in the restroom at the diner so I didn’t look like a raccoon.”

“War paint.” Bucky frowned.

“Huh?”

“Hang on. I’ll show you, if you promise not to ask why I have the picture.”

“I won’t ask if you promise to tell me one day.” Janie said in a teasing voice. “When you’re able.”

Bucky pulled up a picture of himself from around the time of the DC events. “This. War paint.”

“Bucky.” She said. Bucky had to give her some credit; the sound wasn’t exactly a gasp. “You’re unrecognizable, and not because of the ‘war paint’.”

“I wasn’t me. I wasn’t really consciously ‘in there’.”

“I’ll show you one of my proudest moments.” Janie offered, digging out her phone. In the album “never again” she pulled up picture of a very strung out, very unkempt version of herself. “I’ll tell you why I have it, and you can decide whether or not yours is the same. I don’t ever want to be “her” again.” Janie said as she handed the phone to him. Only the entire internet and TJ had ever seen the picture, and she had hopes that she’d managed to get most of the evidence off the internet. At least enough to feel like she could show her face in public.

“You weren’t really consciously ‘in there’ either, were you?” He asked with a sympathetic smile.

“I had practically hung the vacant and condemned signs on that girl at this point. I don’t show this picture around. I did everything I could do as a sober, thinking person, to remove it from the internet. TJ has seen it once when I wanted his trust and he wasn’t up to trust anyone. You showed me something painful, I thought it only fair.”

“You’re much more beautiful than that picture.” He said sweetly. His hand brushed hers as he handed her the phone. When she put it away, he took her hand in his. “Thank you for sharing that. I’m sorry you had a rough trip over here. Do you want to hang out for a while? You can pull up a chair and read while I have customers, and we can talk – or not talk – when I don’t.”

“I’d like that. I like spending time with you. Talking, or not talking.” Janie tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. “Pass the milkshake.”

They shared the shake, finished their salads, and talked until Bucky had to get back inside. “Feel free to hang out here as long as you’d like, or come in.” He said, putting his hand on her cheek and brushing it softly.

 

Janie covered Bucky’s hand with hers before he slid it from between her face and hand to go to the side door of the shop. She sat, blushing, and waited a few minutes before gathering the food containers and taking another hit from the milkshake. She went inside, “you want any more of this?” she asked, “and where’s a good place to toss this stuff?”

Bucky took another swig from the milkshake before handing it back to her, “You can finish it or toss it. Trash is out back, let me take it, I’ll be just a minute. Be a doll and say “hello” if someone comes in?”

“I can do that, or take the trash out.”

“I got it.” Bucky kissed Janie’s forehead. “make yourself comfortable.”

“Go ahead and take this. I think I’m done.” She handed the cup back to him and sat in the cozy chair in the corner, looking at the peeling paint on the window frame, and at the view of the street beyond the window frame. “Hey, Bucky? I’d be happy to volunteer a weekend to strip these window frames.” Janie said as she heard Bucky coming back inside. “The wood looks nice, it would make this place look even more amazing.”

“I’ll pass the word along, if you mean it and aren’t trying to distract yourself from what happened this afternoon.”

“I’m not. I like that kind of thing – in small doses – and free labor is probably the right price for a small business owner.”

“I’m sure it is.” He laughed. “I’ll let her know you volunteered. You’ve done that before have you?”

“Oh yeah. The wood in my apartment? All stripped and rehabbed by me. When you may or may not sleep, you find you have a lot of extra time. When you have extra time and you have an addiction, you could get into some trouble. So, I made lists of projects I could break down into small chunks and get done on sleepless nights or rainy weekends. Listening to football on the TV, while rehabbing wood, became a bit of a wintertime passion.”

“You make it sound inviting and enjoyable.”

“It is. You could join me one day.”

“I like the sound of that. About that, would you go to a movie with me this weekend?” ‘Smooth, Barnes. Maybe you should take a page from Steve’s book after all.’

“I’d love to, there are about four I want to see, so, I’ll give you the titles, you decide if any appeal to you, otherwise you pick.”

“Great.” Bucky smiled, breathing a sigh of relief. It must not have been as uninspired as he thought. On the other hand, maybe she just liked him enough to not care. “We could squeeze a couple in, if you’d like.”

“I would like that. I haven’t been to a movie in ages. I’ve never been one to go alone, and before TJ and Jack came along, I was mostly that. After TJ and Jack? Well, they’ve just started settling down, it’s been a little hectic at my place.”

“I hope everyone’s about to get settled in, I found myself really enjoying the feeling this morning.”

“I think they finally are. You’re free, Jack’s free, TJ had a meeting today. If he can just get one paying gig I know he’ll be able to go into the youtube video thing with a lot more confidence. The baby just made him more desperate.”

“You still want them to stay, with a baby?”

“Yeah, don’t you think we’d make a cute family?”

“I think you’d have even less time.”

“I’m not a mom, by any means. I’m not taking the level of responsibility that they are, I will spoil and play dress-up with the kid. I will also leave him with his parents.”

“I don’t mean anything by it, I just want you to remember to look out for you before everyone else.”

“A rule I try to follow, but I appreciate the reminder, I do forget from time to time.”

Janie watched as Bucky welcomed customers, talked with the mail carrier, and checked in a shipment from the UPS driver. He was on his second day and he ran the place as if it were his own. She smiled watching him shelve the books. He seemed to have put the fact that she was there in some recess of his mind as he did the chore, singing along to a song on the radio as though he were alone. The only indication she had that he still knew she was there was an occasional hand on her shoulder when he passed behind the chair.

She looked up at him and smiled at his warm look. Bucky knew she was there, he couldn’t forget because he was always cataloguing his surroundings, but he didn’t want to forget because he liked the quiet moments with her as much as he liked hearing her laugh, or better still, making her laugh. She looked up at him so endearingly, he almost stopped what he was doing and sat on the arm of the chair to touch her hair and maybe kiss her more than once.

The tinkle on the door, a nice and sometimes unwelcome sound, stopped him as his hip grazed the side of the chair. “Good afternoon.” He greeted the couple. He watched to see if they were hesitant or if they went to a particular area before continuing. He was getting used to watching people for the purpose of the job instead of for other reasons. He thought maybe the bell helped as an extra warning and reminder that he was in _this environment_. “Can I help you find anything in particular?” He asked when the young pair seemed to have no direction.

“Yeah, do you have the newest book by S.J. Sebastian?”

“I think… hang on, that sounds familiar, came out this week right?” Bucky asked as he moved over to the shelves he’d stocked the day before. He pulled out the volume and handed it to the young man. “Yeah, here it is…” he said to himself, “Is this the one?”

“Yeah, that’s it. Thanks.” The customer took the book.

“You’re welcome.” Bucky offered in a friendly voice. The conversation back and forth was his struggle. He’d have to say something to Janie, she always seemed to offer him insight he could work with. He watched as they appeared to want to browse further. “If you need anything else, don’t hesitate.”

Bucky went back to his half-empty box and resumed shelving the books. He noticed a smile from Janie’s corner, and he kept an ear and eye out for the customers. The last thing he wanted was to be that ‘looming presence’ that would chase them away. Sometimes he felt that was all he was made for, was to be a looming presence, so practice was in order.

Bucky checked in with them once more as he passed a shelf they were standing by in order to get the last of his box on the shelf. They happened to ask for the book he had in his hand. “You’re in luck, we just got this one in. Been on backorder for a couple of weeks.”

“Thanks. I think that’ll do us.”

“Great, I’ll be right over.” He put the rest of the books on the shelf and then followed the men to the counter.

Another customer came in as he was finalizing their purchase, and Bucky smiled over their shoulders at her. After bagging their books and thanking them, he greeted her and she nodded, preoccupied with her phone, but not rudely. She kept looking at the phone and back at the shelves, and he waited for a moment in between glances to ask if she needed help. She finally looked up and made eye contact and he zeroed in. “Having trouble finding something?”

“I have a list I’m supposed to pick up, or try to pick up for my brother in the hospital. I’m so distracted, maybe you can help me?” She handed Bucky the phone, he started pulling out the books he could find, and searching for the others in the places he _thought_ they should be. Bucky caught Janie’s eye again and brushed his hair from his face. She smiled encouragingly at him and went back to something on her phone.

Once he’d finished with the list and checked the customer out, he was really envious of Janie’s position in the chair. “Ok.” He said, a little spent. “I’m not going to be nice or friendly for at least fifteen minutes.” He pronounced.

“Or until the next customer walks in.”

“How are you not bored?”

“I like it here, and watching you is entertaining.”

“Watching me get two steps from pulling out my hair?”

“No, you’re very graceful, and you’re very attentive. You seem to know just when to approach and not crowd the customer.”

“Oh, trust me, I don’t know. I keep worrying that I’m waiting too long. I don’t want to spring on them because that’s the last thing I want, but I really don’t want to come across as unfriendly. That guy earlier really set me off my game.”

“You handled him perfectly, you took care of that couple’s needs and they bought more than just the two books. That last girl was so lost. Whatever’s going on with her brother is bigger than she let on. He’s in for a long haul with that list of books, and you took care of her expertly.”

“Oh god, Janie, could you just come and be my Jiminy Cricket every damned day? You made me feel so much better about all of that.” Bucky said in a rush, sitting on the arm of the chair. He let her take his hand in hers, watching as the fingers of both hands rubbed his palm.

“Trade me spots. You have tension, let me work those shoulders you’re trying to carry the world on.” She stood up, tugging Bucky to his feet. “Sit.”

He followed her order, watching her circle the chair. He looked up at her standing behind him. “You’re a real godsend Janie.” He said as her small, strong hands dug into his tense shoulder and neck muscles.

“I’m just happy to be of service. Do you have after-work plans?”

“I don’t think we made any in our discussion, if he’s doing what I told him to, he’s going to be out on a date.”

“Pushy.” She teased, kissing the top of Bucky’s head. “Let him alone.”

“I would, but that’s the problem. He’s alone.”

“You’re such a girl.” Janie teased some more. “Everyone you know is with someone, even you, and you need to set him up. Is Sam next?”

“Sam’s got something going on. It’s just Steve.”

“He might be ok with it.”

“He never was before. Why would he be now?”

“He wasn’t? Or you just felt funny being the one with the dates? Is that a holdover?”

“I didn’t think it was.” Bucky looked up at Janie. “Are you trying to mess with me?”

“No, I just don’t want you to get involved in something for the sake of ‘making up for’ anything. You and me getting involved so quickly is already a touchy subject. You have adjustments to make to society and I want to be there, but I don’t want to be the stepping-stone. Maybe he’s afraid to make someone his ‘stepping stone’ into society.”

“Maybe.” Bucky considered. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel that way.”

“No. Not at all. I’m trying to be realistic for both of us. Your situation is beyond my psychology education. I’m sure there’d be people lining up to study how you’re able to cope so well.”

“I’m coping? It’s just survival. You know, get a job, pay the bills. Take a pretty girl out for dates. Eat the food she brings you for lunch. It’s all sort of familiar.”

“You’ve had pretty girls bring you lunch before?”

“Yeah, in 1940. You’re going to have to do some serious digging if you want to go the jealous route.” Bucky smiled warmly, holding her hands still on his shoulders. “Thank you. I already said it, but you’re a godsend.”

“Any time sweetie. This is how it is huh? Rush or complete silence?”

“Yeah. I got a lot of cleaning done when it was quiet yesterday. This is when I get ideas like the patio.” He let out a soft laugh. “What did you have in mind for tonight?”

“Something quiet. Maybe a movie at your place? I can cook. I could run to the market, and meet you back here after you close.”

“That sounds nice. Let me see if I can nudge Steve out of the apartment. No worries, I won’t bring Millie up again.”

“There’s a good boy. What would you like for dinner?”

“Am I putting too much on you to say ‘you decide’?”

“No, as long as you don’t mind. I can wing it pretty well.”

“Hey, let me give you the key so you can get the stuff in, and you can get started if you finish the shopping before I’m done.”

“Ok, if you’re alright with that, so am I.” Janie sat on the arm of the chair while Bucky pulled his key from his pocket. “By the way. I got my chairs. You’ll have to come see them soon. The place looks even smaller, but cozier.”

“Too small?” he asked, worried that she’d made concessions she hadn’t wanted to make.

“No, it was a shock when they were first delivered, but it looks like they belong. I love them.”

“I’m glad your friends’ insistence didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“What about our little gift? Do you think it’ll make you uncomfortable?”

“Aww, hell no. I’m so excited about a place to store books and some other things. You should see the list I’m making of things I can’t take home yet. Steve was going to call the contractor today. We should be in complete upheaval soon.”

“I want to see your list.” Janie smiled at Bucky’s enthusiasm.

He handed her his handwritten list, “Don’t judge.”

“Honey, that’s the last thing you’ll see me do. You should see my reading list from time to time. Besides, you’re starting from scratch. You deserve an eclectic list. I’m going to head to the market. If you have any special requests, just send me a text. I’ll see you here about closing time.”

Bucky pulled Janie in for a brief kiss, finishing up with a blush when the door signaled a new customer. “See you later.” He told Janie quietly. “Good afternoon.” He greeted the customer.

“Hi.” The woman said, distracted. She made her way to the shelves that held romance novels and browsed the shelves intently.

A young man in skinny jeans and an oversized sweater came in and went to the music section while greeting Bucky on his way. “Hey man. You’re new here.”

“Yeah, second day.”

“Wait, you look familiar.” The guy looked as if he were considering where he’d seen Bucky before. Bucky waited, not wanting to offend the romance lady with the truth. “You play?”

“Play? Oh, music? No. Not for a long time. Used to do ok on the guitar.”

“Hmm what made you stop?”

“Lost my arm.” Bucky shrugged. Truth was easier. “Haven’t figured out if I could do it again.”

“I know a guy…”

“I think I’ve got a decent enough prosthetic, it’s just that it’s been so long.”

“Well, if you want to find out, I live up the street, you could come by one day. We jam on weekends on the roof of my building. I could hook you up with a decent priced axe.” The kid stroked his beard. “Actually, I thought for sure I saw you play piano, maybe not though. Guy really appeared to have two hands. Anyway, I’m Tyler. Welcome to my second favorite place after the roof of my building on weekends.”

“Thanks Tyler. It’s good to meet you. I live up the road myself.” Bucky almost kicked himself for the slip. He’d never let his guard down like that before. “I think youmight have met my friend TJ. People get us mixed up all the time.”

“TJ… Right. TJ Hammond. He had an audition of sorts with my previous employer. Never heard if he took the gig though. I left right after. Got a more musically inclined job myself. Instead of being the greeter in an office.”

“Yeah, must have been TJ. He didn’t take it, if I remember. It seems they wanted more from him than just his music.”

“Oakson’s a decent enough guy, but he knows how to make a buck. TJ woulda done ok with him, but in the long run, he’s better off.”

“I’ll happily spread that word. I’m sure it will make him feel better about his decision. I’ll leave you to your shopping.”

Bucky checked out the ‘Romance lady’, politely making conversation to the top of her disinterested head while bagging her books. She rummaged through her purse and uttered ‘uh huh’ and ‘you too’ at him in a nearly appropriate response pattern. “Thanks, have a nice evening.” Bucky said, keeping the sarcasm from his voice.

“That one. She’s always like that, it ain’t you man.” Tyler said from the blank journal rack. “Do you know if any of these are unlined?”

“I think there are a few on the top row, leather-bound, that are unlined.” Bucky knew they were, he had his eye on two of them. He liked the unlined ‘no rules’ aspect, and he thought that maybe one would make a good birthday present for Steve. The pages were nice enough paper that he thought it would make a good sketchbook, the covers were soft leather, and the spines looked to be quality bound, so they might endure what an Avenger on the move might have to deal with on longer missions.

“Yeah, they are.” Tyler whistled as he saw the price tag. “Nice books too. Maybe payday.”

“Yeah. I know what you mean.” Bucky chuckled. “They do look well worth the price though.”

Tyler set his stack of books on the counter, “I need these first, and one of those is about the price of the three of these.”

“It’s a good thing we’re just down the street.” Bucky said, ringing up the guitar tabs. “Enjoy.”

Bucky took the quiet moment to call Steve, “Hey, Janie’s coming over, where are you going to be this evening?”

“Out of the apartment?” Steve answered.

“Well, it would make a date easier. But…”

“I’m taking Millie to dinner. I managed to initiate conversation and get a ‘yes’ out of her, so I’ll be out of your hair for a while. I won’t be checking on when it’s ok to come home though, so keep it PG13 or take it to your room.”

“Ok, now who’s been hanging around Wilson too long? PG13? You do _not_ get to tease me about “leveling up” anymore.” It made Bucky feel good to hear Steve laughing on the other end of the line. “It’s Janie, be a gentleman why don’t you?”

“Ok, fine. I owe her an apology. But not you.”

“Good luck on your date. Or should I say, wish Millie luck?”

“Jerk.”

“Punk. Have a good evening.”

“You too Buck.” Steve’s voice was still tinged with laughter and Bucky ended his call with a smile. Maybe they could have something resembling normal. This felt close.

Bucky was just moving to lock the door when two customers came in. He pasted on a smile he hoped didn’t feel pasted on, and welcomed them. He also turned the sign to closed but resisted breaking fire code by locking the door. They were browsers, he noticed. He gave them a few minutes before asking if he could help them find anything. He was refused by both. He tried to keep from suspecting nefarious intentions, but he watched for signs anyway. He was convinced he wouldn’t find anything and was just feeling some stress from the long day, the ups-and-downs, and anticipating Janie and what dinner she would surprise him with. He saw her at the door and looked at the two customers again, trying to find anything to be nervous about. He finally motioned for Janie to come in.

“Hey, Hi. I know you’re closed, she said genially, “I was wondering if you could help me? I’m looking for this building.”

“Yeah, hang on just a second.” He smiled at her. “I just need to get these two customers checked out and I’ll show you where it is, it’s getting dark.”

Bucky moved to the shelf where one customer was still browsing. “Hi, I didn’t get a chance to welcome you. Was there something I could help you find? I know where nearly everything is, even though it’s just my second day.”

She was disarmed by his chatty approach, which he’d assessed would be the case. “No, I was just looking. Thanks.”

“Oh, ok. I see. We’re closed right now, you’re welcome to come back in the morning. We open at nine, but I’d be willing to open the doors at 8:30 if you were to come back then.”

“Oh? You’re closed? Where did the time go?”

‘up your skinny ass’ he wanted to say. “It sure flies. I need to get things closed up so I can help this young lady find a building up the road. Please feel free to come back in the morning. Would you like me to be here early?”

“Oh, no. That’s quite alright.” She answered, putting her well-manicured hands in the pockets of her expensive jacket. She allowed him to escort her to the door.

Janie was chatting up the other customer, “you see, I’m new here. I got lost twice already this week, and I was here earlier, this nice man was so helpful. You’ll love this book. Yes, I’ve read it twice. If you get this one, you’re going to want the first three and the one that follows. Nothing like getting into a story and finding out it’s a series. I really need to get where I’m going, I sure hope he’s able to close soon.” Bucky heard her say just as he closed the door behind the oblivious woman.

He looked up to see the other woman looking completely overwhelmed, carrying five books to the counter. “You found something good? Oh, I’ve heard good things about this. I hear once you start you just can’t stop. Something about a series just hooks you, you know?” The fact that he knew nothing about this series didn’t stop him from regurgitating what Janie had just said to the woman, only in a different order. Why look a gift horse in the mouth. Janie talked at the woman so actively that she managed to sell her five books. He only managed to get one woman the hell out of his store.

“I can’t wait to read them.” The woman, obviously caught up in their excitement, declared. “Thank you so much. I’m sorry you’re here after close.”

At least there was that.

“Oh, thank you, that’s ok.” Bucky bagged the books and tore off the woman’s receipt. “At least you found what you were looking for.”

Janie was behind the woman, biting her tongue, her cheek and holding her hand to her mouth to try to not laugh, which was making things _very_ hard for Bucky to keep a straight face in front of the woman. He escorted her to the door, locking it behind her with purpose before joining Janie in gut-busting laughter.

“Oh my GOD Janie. You’re amazing. You should definitely work here.”

“No, just stick with me, you’ll learn how to befuddle and charm them. Don’t worry though; ‘Ms. Designer Suit’ wouldn’t have bought anything. She was just looking around. Maybe even trying to judge the real estate and not the merchandise.

“I thought they were both here for ulterior motives, I think my paranoia was acting up. But if you’re right about ‘Ms. Designer Suit’, I just got my wires crossed.”

“The other lady just wanted to see the bookstore. She probably would have bought something before leaving anyway, she seemed to be the type who would buy a pack of gum in a convenience store just to use the restroom, or buy a book she might not even read because she kept the shopkeeper late.”

“Ok, so I can read people pretty well, but I need to attend “Janie’s School of Domestic Observation”.”

“Like I said, stick with me, you’ll figure it all out.”

Bucky kissed Janie before ducking behind the counter to count his till and drop his cash. “Bank run in the morning.” He said, locking the cash bag.

“You talking to me or reminding yourself.”

“Yes.” He answered as he headed back to the back room. He put the money in the safe and double-checked the doors and lights. He made sure the side door was secure before grabbing his bag and heading for where Janie stood by the door. He hit the lights and set the alarm.

“Ready to go.” Bucky hooked an arm in Janie’s, escorting her out of the shop before locking the door.

“It’s like you’ve been doing that for years.” She said, impressed. “You’ll learn my tricks in no time.”

“I hope you’re right.” Bucky smiled. “Shall we? I believe dinner and a movie have been on order.”

“Yes, dinner is just going to take a few minutes once we get back. I love how you’ve got your place set up, by the way.” Janie put her hand on Bucky’s bicep.

“Thanks, it’s still a work in progress.”

“Aren’t we all, sweetie.” Janie leaned against Bucky’s shoulder. “I think if that weren’t the case, life would be terribly dull.”

“I could use a _little_ dull.”

“No, dull isn’t the word you’re looking for. Peace, stability. Whatever it is, you definitely deserve it.”

“Thanks for rescuing me tonight.” Bucky rested his cheek on Janie’s head as they walked.

“I’m happy to be of service.” Janie answered, “That’s not just cliché either. I really am glad I could help.”

They walked together with a comfortable, peaceful silence, excluding the sounds of the neighborhood around them. Bucky let Janie into the building and she took his hand as they took the stairs. Inside the apartment, Bucky put his bag in his room, feeling like he should say something to Janie about making herself comfortable, even though she’d already been inside the apartment. Instead, he realized he had the right thing to say after all, “It smells terrific Janie. I can’t wait to taste it.”

“Thanks.” Janie smiled and was that a blush? “I don’t cook often, and I don’t have many signature dishes, but what I do know I can do well.”

“You know a lot of things Janie, if just a few recipes are part of it, it just makes room for other things.” Bucky put his arms around her, burying his nose in her curls, “Just what smells so delicious, besides your hair?”

“Um.” Janie hesitated, enjoying the closeness. “Tri-tip and garlic roasted vegetables. I found my favorite ice cream at your market, so we’ll have some of that too.”

“Did you pick a movie or do we go off this list Steve’s got?”

“I’m leaving the movie up to you. I like just about anything. If I’ve seen it, I’ll never let on. No spoilers from me.”

Bucky tightened his arms around Janie’s waist, “Any funny movie requests? I don’t think I’m quite up to action or suspense. I’ve lived it for too long.”

“Depends, how sensitive are you to really crass humor? Have you jumped on the political correctness bandwagon?”

“I’m a blank slate. Crass is fine, I’m not sure I can handle any more political anything, and that’s about the stupidest name for being hypersensitive that I’ve ever heard. I have to be hypersensitive all day just so I don’t offend a potential customer. If there’s something you have in mind play it.”

“I didn’t yet. I was just gauging the type, and age of Comedy to introduce you to.” Janie put her hand on Bucky’s. “Come with me to the kitchen or let me go, unless you want dry Tri-Tip.”

Bucky loosened his hold and followed Janie across the space into the kitchen. He pulled out dishes while she pulled out the steaming food. She set the roast on the stove-top and put her hand on the small of his back as she stepped past him, “Music ok until we’re ready to debate movie titles?” She asked as she turned the stereo on.

“Yeah, that would be nice, otherwise you’re going to be treated to my whistling or something equally embarrassing.”

“Well, I hope I can trip you up and catch you singing.” Janie laughed while she selected something lively enough but that would still let them talk.

“You are a troublemaker.” Bucky smiled, sampling a vegetable, “mmm. Good food Janie. He peeked into the freezer to see the bourbon pecan ice cream. “You spoil me.” He grinned.

“Don’t kid yourself. Each time I’ve bought ice cream today I was solely thinking of myself.” Janie corrected Bucky, scrolling through the movie list for an idea of what to suggest.

“Rightfully so.” Bucky determined. "You’ve had a rough week; I believe you should absolutely indulge. You shared earlier, does that mean you will be sharing again tonight? Or was that a tease earlier when you said “we’d” be having ice cream?”

“I’ll share if you’re nice.” Janie answered, crossing behind Bucky and taking his hips in her hands, swinging them to the beat of the song that was playing.

“You gotta be nice too.” Bucky said with a grin, putting his hands over hers.

“I’m perfectly nice.” Janie swung away from Bucky to carry the vegetables to the table, “Do you mind carving the roast?”

“I could manage.” Bucky responded, thoroughly enjoying their familiarity and banter. He wondered, briefly, as he carved the moist, juicy meat, whether or not the feeling was ‘happiness’ and if it was, whether he deserved it.

“Uh oh, drooping shoulders.” Janie pinched the muscle at the base of Bucky’s neck on either side between her fingers, “Tonight’s a reality free zone, Bucky.” She kissed the base of his neck.

“It was just a momentary thing.” Bucky tried to shrug, but Janie’s firm hands kneaded the muscles required to do so. “I promise.”

“I’m holding you to it. That looks perfect. You just improved on my dinner.”

“Bullshit.” Bucky turned, laying his hand on her cheek, “thanks Janie.”

“You’re welcome. Don’t say ‘bullshit’ when I compliment you. Part of a good roast, is the cut for serving. You did beautifully.”

Bucky ducked to kiss her, briefly, tenderly. “I was thinking about how much I enjoy being in this kind of element with you. Problem with that is every time I enjoy something the next question is ‘do I deserve to enjoy’ that thing.”

“You do. Just as you deserve to have a home, safety, and a job, and the skills to boot people out at closing. You deserve to enjoy me.”

“At the risk of sounding self-serving.” Bucky teased.

“At the risk…” Janie agreed. “Because I do enjoy you.”

Bucky rubbed his thumb over the Janie’s bottom lip and across the corner of her mouth, before tasting the spot. He cupped the back of her head with his left hand, whispers of metal plates, and a firmer surface were the only indication that anything was different. His touch was that tender. “Janie, I’m going to ruin your lovely dinner if you keep inviting kisses.”

“I wouldn’t mind.” Janie smiled, ducking her head to hide the blush that burned her neck, cheeks and ears. “I think you’re hungry enough to not let that happen though.”

“It’s a close call.” Bucky’s smile was mischievous. “Safer to follow the plan though. We can revisit the kissing after we’ve eaten.”

They ate, and talked. Bucky found it easier and easier to open up about random things as they spent time together. He told her about the journals he wanted to buy, the multiple reasons behind them. “I write to order my thoughts and express my emotions. Steve draws, or he used to. They’re so nice. Strong bindings, soft leather covers, and they are unlined. I think one would be great for Steve’s birthday. I’ve got a little time to save for one for him, I’d really like one myself too. I’d like to put this new life on the pages of a nice, new journal. It would almost illustrate how things have changed since the first scrawled pages tucked inside a stolen notebook, to a fine piece of art.”

“Bucky, when is your Birthday?” Janie asked, long after the conversation had steered to other topics.

“It was in March.”

“You were in that hellhole on your birthday. That’s just wrong.” She frowned, forming an idea. He could buy that journal for Steve because that was a gift between friends. She would buy his as a birthday gift, and she was going to organize a belated birthday celebration between friends.

“It’s no different than the other holes where I spent the past seventy.” Bucky said with no difference than if he were reporting the weather.

“No, it is different, Bucky. You have a family now. I’m not going to surprise you, I’m going to tell you. We’re going to have a belated birthday celebration for you. It can be you and me, or it can be the people who love you, Steve, Sam, TJ and Jack, and me. You choose, but it’s going to happen. I’m just talking something simple like cake and ice cream, because you deserve so much better than you’ve been given.”

“You have a coronation to get through first. Then you can belated birthday plan all you want.” Bucky knew better than to argue with Janie, but he also secretly liked the idea of a happy little “fuck you” to Hydra. They’d stolen his life and Janie was part of the team of people giving it back to him.

“You mean it?” Janie expected arguments and bargaining, not a smiling acceptance.

“I do. Taking back my life means everything I didn’t have because they took it from me. Promise to keep it as small as those people and I won’t have any arguments.”

“You have my word. That’s great Bucky.” Janie took his hand, “I love that you’re taking your life back so actively. The job was an amazing step.”

“Thanks kid.” He smirked.

“Hilarious.”

“So, we kinda made a rule this morning, you cooked, I clean. Did you find something from the list of movies? Give me the rundown while I wash, ok?”

“Ok, if you insist. I did find a few we can narrow down. It’s a good thing TJ’s not here, we spent _hours_ debating the merits of Mel Brooks versus Monty Python. The boy is tweaked without drugs.”

“Dare I ask you the two questions that came to mind?”

“Who are Mel Brooks and “Monty Python”? and??”

“Well, not who are, we started watching Young Frankenstein last night, I know a few of the Mel Brooks movies are on the list of “must see”. The questions were; is there a reason to debate them? And where do you stand on the point?”

“That’s exactly it. There’s no reason to have a either or. You don’t have to be purely Python or purely Brooks. TJ just doesn’t like British humor, _I think_.”

“Oh, see, I’m ok with British humor, you’d have to be, we fought alongside the brits…” Bucky considered the brash humor, “I guess it could be an acquired taste. Knowing you, and gauging TJ by what I know of him, do you think he might have been engaging you in a debate to either rile you up, or to fill the time in the interest of not being left alone with other thoughts?”

“Ok, so you might have something there. It was one of _those nights_ not long after I moved here from DC. Mabye your ‘domestic observation skills aren’t as rusty as you thought they were. Why?” Janie asked, Grabbing a towel to help dry, “Why did you say “started to watch Young Frankenstein"?”

“We both fell asleep. It was about being tired, not about being disinterested. We spilled popcorn and everything.” Bucky said. “I almost knew I wouldn’t make it through, but I wanted to.”

“We could start there, if you’d like, or you can save that and watch with Steve. There’s about a dozen movies more current and older than dirt, that we could watch.”

“What, in your book, is older than dirt?”

“Did I say that?” Janie smirked, “I clearly meant “comedy classics” like ‘Bringing up Baby’ or ‘Arsenic and Old Lace’. Of course, we should plan a zombie double-feature with ‘Zombieland’ and ‘Shaun of the Dead’.”

“Ok, so you’re teasing me.”

“NO, not the zombie thing, please don’t think that, but yeah, the older than dirt thing.” Janie scrambled to cover for any slights. Age he could handle, he was _not_ a zombie or anything close.

“I didn’t mean with the zombie thing.” Bucky put his hand on Janie’s arm, “I promise. Even I’m not that morbid. We should do a zombie double feature on a Sunday. You’ll be off and so will I.”

“I’m never sure what stupid thing I’m going to say will hurt you.”

“You haven’t yet. I promise, I was with you all the way Janie. You’re playful, and I like that. I don’t want everyone tiptoeing around me, and so many people are. You have an idea what it’s like to have something to overcome that everyone gets sensitive over, and you use kindness in conjunction with levity. I crave it Janie.”

This time, Janie pulled Bucky to her for a kiss. “Bucky.” She breathed across his cheek.

“Janie.” Bucky echoed, softly, touching his forehead to hers, breathing in her sweet fragrance.

Janie slipped her arms around Bucky’s waist, letting them drape lazily. “I can’t express what things like that… how those kinds of words affect me.”

“Good. I’m affected by you. It’s only fair the problem is shared.” Bucky’s tone was light, but there was tenderness beneath it. “I know, it’s a lot so suddenly. I’m happy just being with you, I promise.”

“Ice cream.” Janie said with a nervous laugh. “You’ve got the power to scoop, will you do the honors?”

“Nope,” Bucky decided, he pulled out two spoons and the pint of ice cream, “We can do it this way.”

“Ok.” Janie rolled her eyes. “That works too. I want you to dig out my first few bites, I’d like some before you eat it all, and that stuff is frozen solid.”

“I can speak from experience, that’s a horrible way to be. We should soften it up.”

“Oh my GOD! You did NOT!” Janie stood back a half step, looking at Bucky with wide eyes.

“Well, you softened me up.” Bucky tickled Janie’s waist with both hands.

Janie stepped into Bucky’s space, wrapping her arms back around his waist, tightening them. She laid her head on his chest, “I can’t believe you.” she said into his shirt. She had a tender smile, appreciating his ability to use humor to get through the terrors he’d suffered.

Bucky combed his fingers through her curls, and kissed the top of her head. “Do I have to apologize?”

“No. Don’t ever. It was a shock, but it’s not my particular battle. I like that you can use humor. It makes my lame jokes that much more appropriate. Come on. Have you watched any sci fi movies? Star Wars, Star Trek or anything along those lines?”

“Yes. Sam and Steve had some very specific views on them, and I was fully indoctrinated.”

“Ok, this will be good then.” Janie tugged Bucky toward the sofa and started ‘Galaxy Quest’. They shared the ice cream, giggling and poking fun at the movie, Janie wiggled her toes under Bucky’s leg until Bucky crooked his finger and had her sit at his side, under his arm, and he tossed the fluffy blanket over her.

When the credits started rolling, Bucky kissed the top of Janie’s head, “I’d like you to stay. It’s too late for you to cross town. Take my bed, I’ll sleep here again tonight. It was comfortable once, it will be again.”

“I can’t kick you out of your bed.” Janie objected, hearing Steve’s key in the lock. “I’m sure TJ or Jack would send a car for me.”

“Janie, please? You’re not kicking me out of anything, I’m kicking you off my couch.”

“Hey guys.” Steve said softly.

“Hey, how’d it go?”

“It was good.” Steve had his back turned, hanging his jacket on the hook, glad his blush couldn’t be seen.

“Good, I’m glad. Help me talk Janie into staying, it’s too late to cross town alone.”

“You two don’t get to gang up on me.” Janie argued. Steve turned around with an equally stubborn look, “Fine, I’ll stay. You’re impossible. Both of you.”

“You’re right.” Bucky agreed. “I just want you safe, and I don’t want to worry until I have proof that you are. Text your boys and let them know you’re safe too.”

“They know I’m with you, they know I’m safe.”

“Janie?” Bucky asked, watching Steve chicken out and duck into his bedroom.

“Fine, maybe they will worry. Why do you all not believe I’m an adult?” Janie complained, though she was smiling.

“You’re loved. I’m ‘old school’ and would have seen you home, but I have to be to work early tomorrow, so I’m being selfish.” He said as he watched her send a text.

“There.” Janie tossed her phone in his lap, “Happy now?”

“Yes, actually, I am.” Bucky said, handing the phone back to her without looking at it. “They probably are too. You should be as well, being so loved.”

Janie put her arms around Bucky’s waist, snuggling up to him on the sofa. “You are too.” She said quietly, laying a kiss on his chest where her head rested. She took the little promise and protected it. He’d nearly said it properly even.

Bucky felt safe wrapped in Janie’s arms. If he weren’t trying to be a gentleman, he’d be happy to curl up in bed with her, protected by and protecting her. He tightened his arm around her shoulder, hugging her to him. “Thank you for dinner, it was truly delicious.”

“You’re welcome. You said you two had decided to start a routine? What time will you be up?”

“Probably around six, like this morning. I’ll make sure Steve keeps it quiet.”

“You don’t have to do that. I don’t want to disrupt the entire household.”

“You’re not, it’s called being a good host. Hush.” Bucky said with an exasperated smile.

“Come to bed, I can share. We’re grownups and don’t have to prove anything to anyone. We’ve already determined we’re not _there_ yet.”

“Janie, I’m really trying to be a gentleman here.”

“What? Are you going to do something against my will just because we’re in a bed instead of on the corner of a couch? **No.** You _won’t_. You know it and I do. Steve isn’t going to judge anyone. In fact, anything you or I do in your bedroom isn’t even up for discussion, none of his business.”

“You’re almost as stubborn as I am.” Bucky ran his hand over Janie’s arm.

“So, is it going to be a standoff?” Janie looked up at Bucky.

“No. I’m smart enough to know when I’m outmatched. You might not be quite as stubborn as I am, but your resolve isn’t as shaky as mine.”

“Oh?”

“Oh. I just like being near you, is that wrong?”

“If it were, would I be sitting right here, probably putting your whole right side to sleep?”

“I’m glad you like it too, Janie.” Bucky gave her a tender kiss.

“Ok, so we agree then?”

“You win.” Bucky said, tickling her lightly. “I _am_ going to warn Steve that you're staying.”

“Go ahead.” Janie sat up, folding the blanket to put back over the back of the sofa, “go gloat over your win.”


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place on the same day as Bucky's day in [Chapter 50](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5579308/chapters/18584233)

Steve called TJ and asked if he was feeling up to visitors. TJ suspected Jack was taking preventative measures, but he liked Steve so he said that he wouldn’t be opposed. They made arrangements for Steve to come by after TJ was done with his meeting.

“Good luck with that, or is it break a leg? I’ve done time on stage, but I don’t know how it works for the writers end.”

“I’ll take anything I can get, I really want this.” TJ admitted. “Thanks Steve.”

TJ went to his meeting, expecting the worst. Jack had given him a wide berth that morning, knowing TJ was nervous and moody, he sent a quick text before walking into the courtyard of the playwright’s apartment building, “I’m nervous as fuck Jack.”

“I believe in you.” Jack sent back, causing TJ to roll his eyes, but he smiled.

“Thanks.”

“You got this, Kitten.”

With a sigh, TJ rang the buzzer and followed the instructions to ‘come on up’.

The man inside the apartment was disheveled. He wore a rumpled t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants. “Hey, TJ. It’s nice to meet you.” he said in a friendly voice that was deep, and just this side of sleepy sounding. TJ shook the man’s hand and held his ribs at the jostling the eager shake earned him. “Hey, are you ok?”

”Thanks Simon, yeah.” TJ allowed a laugh, “I was in a scuffle a few days back, still a little bruised.”

The tall, muscular man smiled, “I’ve been there. Come on in, have a seat.” The man escorted TJ to the leather sofa, then stood across from the large piece, leaning against a bookshelf. His thick arms were emphasized by the way they were folded across the man’s chest. “Listen, I’ve played and replayed everything you sent, I really like your style. You have to know, I’ve only worked on one previous musical, we spent a lot of time together, and I can be demanding. I alienated the guy.”

“I expect long hours, I am also pretty demanding so we might butt heads. If you can guarantee me a drug and alcohol free environment, I’m willing to put up with butting heads and demanding personalities.”

“TJ, I also need to tell you, because it came up the last time, I’m straight.”

“Well, I’m in a committed relationship, so I think we’re safe.” TJ offered a smile, “I just want to work. I know my reputation precedes me, but I’m trying to surpass it. I’m not going to hit on you. My partner will be working erratic hours at home, so if I’m doing the same across town, it will keep us on our prospective professional paths.”

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, like I said, it came up the last time, part of the alienating thing. I can be affectionate, I guess I gave off the wrong signals and hurt the guy’s feelings.”

“Simon, thank you for being up front about it. You’re stacked and you’re super easy on the eyes. I can see where the guy fell for you, but I promise you, I won’t fall in love with you.”

Simon did his best to look disappointed, “Well, that was fast.”

TJ laughed, “So, does that mean I got the job?”

“Welcome aboard TJ. Dry huh?”

“Yeah, clean for 19 months now. That’s ok right?”

“Yeah, I can work with that. Is that a deal-breaker for other people?”

“One guy made it clear I’d have parties I’d be expected to attend. It was weird. Come to think of it, he hit on me too, it was just more refreshing coming from you.”

“I didn’t…” Simon stopped and laughed. “Ok, funny.”

“Thanks.” TJ said with a smile.

“I’m going to want to start pretty soon, what I’ll do is send you what I have so far, give you a week or so to get familiar with the notes I’ve jotted down. I’ve got some storyboard sketches too, I just can’t seem to stop, if I’m not scrawling out a note or typing something in the computer, I’m sketching shit.”

“I like details.” TJ said, “I think it will give me a lot to go from. My partner and my roommate are leaving the country in two weeks, I’ll definitely be able to dedicate extra time during that run. In the interest of keeping clean, I’d like to have an idea of just how demanding you are, in terms of schedule. If you have late nights in mind, I’ll need a little time in the morning to catch up, I’m honestly open for the most insane range of hours, as long as some of them include sleep, or I’ll become a nightmare.”

“I’m a firm believer in sleep. I do keep late hours, but I enjoy late mornings too, if that sounds feasible?”

“Simon, I’m glad Ryan put me in contact with you. Thank you.” TJ was giddy, but he was so hopeful that he was keeping at least some outward cool.

“Thank you. I think we’ll get along just fine, and that gives me hope that we can get this project taken care of. As discussed in the email, full songwriting credits and rights, I’ll get the contract sent to your attorney, let me know if anything isn’t as you understood it. I’ll email you the files containing my notes and sketches, if that’s ok? I digitize everything, and I neglected to take the time to print them out. I was frantically scribbling notes when you arrived.”

“It’s fine, digital is great. You should open a directory on a cloud drive that way we can share things back and forth. That way if I get inspired and can’t pull myself away, you can reap the benefits. Do you always write your notes on paper? You should use a tablet, it would save you some scanning time.”

“I should. Good ideas TJ. Thanks, I really didn’t think of either of those things.” Simon sat on the sofa. “Ok, so I’ll get that set up, don’t hesitate to let me know if you think of anything else as we start working together. Also, the piano is right in here, if you’d like to take a turn at the keys?”

“Live audition?” TJ joked.

“No, you’ve got the job, I like you, I think we’re going to get along well. You might be auditioning me and my instrument though.”

“We discussed that already.” TJ joked, he followed Simon toward the piano set against a bank of windows overlooking the city. TJ just managed to check the impressed whistle. “She’s beautiful.”

Simon watched TJ’s fingers lovingly caress the baby grand. “ _She_ never gets any love. You’ll tell me if I need to have anything done, tuning or anything.”

“Oh, let’s find out, shall we?”

Getting to know a new piano was so much more pleasant and fulfilling than getting to know new people, TJ had no fear of judgement and the only expectations he had from the instruments were a range of sounds. He would never feel let down by a piano, even if it were out of tune. That fault would always lay solely on the uneducated owner.

With joy, TJ found that the white baby grand was tuned beautifully, if not perfectly. The sound that he coaxed from it filled him and the room with peace.

“So,” Simon said almost reverently, after TJ finished, “do you think you can be creative here?”

“I think there’s a possibility.” TJ answered, teasingly.

TJ walked up the road after leaving Simon’s apartment. He thought about how much Jack would like a place like that. It was very upscale. TJ wondered how much of his wanting to be with Janie was a sense duty from her friendship and her insistence that he get away from his family and come live with her, and how much was out of fear of making a change. Finally, he wondered if he was just afraid of hurting her feelings.

Was his inability to decide to move out putting both Jack and Janie in an awkward situation? Janie couldn’t very easily have Bucky over with them and a baby around. Jack would never have the space to do his work properly if they were always tripping over each other. He was going to have to talk to both Jack and Janie, individually. He was going to have to insist that they stop catering to him and his weaknesses, and to tell him the truth; even if it was something that they thought that he wouldn’t want to hear.

TJ was pulled from his thoughts as he received a text while he walked. It was from Steve.

Steve: “Hey TJ, hope your meeting went well, don’t know when you’ll be finished but I’m in the neighborhood, still wanted to stop by if you’re game, when is a good time?”

TJ: “Hi. Just finished, should be home in about 40. If that’s too late, maybe another time?”

Steve: “I can do 40. If you want visitors?”

TJ looked at his phone; it was odd to get a visitor, odder still, that Steve would want to seek him out. TJ had nothing else to offer Steve, he’d found Bucky, and Jack was working for him. Then again, he didn’t get visitors and it would be nice to talk to someone who wasn’t _just_ family, or Janie, or Jack.

TJ: “I’d like that, come by whenever you’d like after the 40 minute mark.”

Steve:  “Should I pick up a pizza? I haven’t eaten yet.”

TJ wondered if this was a setup, Jack had spent the afternoon with Steve, it wouldn’t surprising to find out he was being checked up on.

TJ: “If you’d like. I’d probably liberate a couple of pieces.”

TJ pocketed his phone, trying not to worry about ulterior motives. He shouldn’t be feeling low, he just _essentially_ sealed the deal on the job he wanted, and would be working with a nice, if a little odd, guy. His immediate future wasn’t this grim thing that he felt looming over him. “Cut it out TJ. So you might be moving, and you have a visitor. What difference does it make if Jack asked Steve to come by? You’d do the same for him.” TJ muttered to himself as he walked.

He pushed himself to walk past the turn he knew would find him a fix. It was a little bit more of a struggle for TJ to keep going and not turn around.  He knew he should consult his phone, talk to Janie, but since he was making it on his own steam and he wasn’t turning around, he wasn’t going to make that score, TJ decided that he wasn’t going to drag Janie down, not when she had a lunch date with Bucky.

TJ turned another corner, toward the apartment. He pulled out his phone at the corner and looked up NA meeting times, wondering if he could get one in. Surely that was a good excuse to be late? He found that one was underway at one of the centers where he typically attended meetings and opted to sit in on the last portion.

“Why is this happening to me? I should be happy. I just got the job I wanted, people care enough about me to check on me but instead of feeling grateful, I feel a dark cloud over my head. I just want to shut it out.” He found himself saying when the moment presented itself. He continued to talk about what brought him through the door instead of through the courtyard he knew well enough would give him the means to “shut it out”.

He came to the realization that he had been focusing on not ruining the numbers, “I wanted to keep 18 months, and then 19 months. I wanted to count 24 months, or two years. However, that’s not really it. I don’t just want to make an announcement and have someone applaud me; I want to be strong enough sometimes to walk away without reaching out. I want to know when I can do it “myself”, and I want to do it because for the most part, I feel healthier. Ok, the scale says I’m a little thicker, metabolism changes without the stimulation, but I do. I feel better.”

TJ walked the rest of the way home after his little reboot, meeting Steve at the door, “I’m so sorry.” He said, seeing the man obviously looking like he was about to leave. “I had to make a detour.”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, isn’t Jack here? I didn’t know he was going to be gone.”

“I don’t know where he is, nobody was here when I got here and nobody’s answering my texts.” Steve said, following TJ through the door. “Are you sure you’re ok TJ?”

“I almost wasn’t.” TJ said, setting his keys on the table. He sent a text to Jack: “Where are you?” TJ turned to Steve, taking the pizza box, “Let me put this in the oven. I almost blew it, I hit up a meeting instead. I didn’t want to see anything anyone had to say, so I left my phone in my pocket.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything TJ.” Steve said, leaning against the edge of the counter, watching TJ put the pizza into the oven.

“I at least owe you a ‘why I’m late’.”

“You told me. I just about ate the pizza myself and headed home, no harm done TJ.”

TJ’s phone chimed and so did Steve’s.

 TJ read, “Where am I? Where are you? Steve said you and he made plans and you’ve vanished.”

Steve read, “Shit, I’m on my way, I don’t know why he wouldn’t be there.”

TJ called Jack, “Yeah, where are you. I’m home _now_.”

“I went to the gym. Did you know Steve was waiting for you? He said you’d made a plan.”

“I know, he’s here. We’re both here. I had to make a detour.”

“It didn’t go well?” Jack sounded wounded, “I’m so sorry.”

“Actually,” Ordinarily TJ would feel angry or hurt, he’d rant about the lack of faith and support, instead he realized he’d made it sound negative, possibly to set the situation up for that kind of response. “Jack, I got the gig, I guess I can’t even get good news without making it into a problem. I stopped in on a meeting in progress.”

“I’m proud of you for that, and I’m so excited for the other! Congratulations Kitten.” Jack’s voice went warm and soft.

TJ nearly forgot he wasn’t alone. “Thanks baby.” He said softly. He looked up to see Steve walk toward the new chairs. “Are you coming back soon? I think I’m going to be able to salvage the pizza Steve brought by.”

“No, I have a stop to make, I want to get you something nice to celebrate your new project.” Jack said sweetly, TJ was again suspicious of a setup, but he wasn’t feeling quite so gloomy about it. He also knew one person who would probably not be able to evade the direct question, and it wasn’t his Jack.

“Ok, more pizza for me, you probably shouldn’t have any anyway. We don’t want all that gym time to go to waste.” TJ teased. “Don’t go overboard.”

“Says the guy who buys a practical stranger an expensive phone.”

“Hey, it was required. I couldn’t let you and that sexy ass get too far away.” TJ said in spite of the heat of the blush that covered his face. “I’m going to let you go, Steve’s waited long enough for me.”

“Have a good visit. I love you Kitten.”

“I love you too.” TJ shook his head, with an affectionate smile. “I’m so sorry to make you wait for me _again_.” TJ said to Steve.

“That’s ok, he was getting worried, I caused that by getting a little…”

“A little _extra_?” TJ provided. “No worries, I’ve instilled a reason to panic on everyone who knows me. It could have gone either way for a few minutes there. I can’t be mad at you or at him for my almost making the exact misstep you both considered but were too nice to mention.”

TJ pulled the pizza out of the oven and brought Steve a plate with several slices on it. “Thanks TJ.”

“Tell me, was this – was today cooked up by you and Jack, or  just by Jack?”

“Bucky mentioned someone needed to sit on you to make sure you didn’t do too much before you had a chance to recover. I offered a different approach. He’s always been _‘extra’_ when it comes to ‘bedside manner’. I thought I should see how you were healing, because I haven’t seen you since you came back and that’s what friends do. I thought I could just sit and visit with you because I like talking to you. Pizza was Jack’s idea, but I made it my thing instead. He doesn’t get to pay for it.”

“I appreciate your honesty, and your rebellion.” TJ eased into the chair. “Like the extra seats? Mister Generous-and-Insistent. I have to admit they’re more comfortable for me right now than the sofa. I _might_ sleep in one tonight.”

They shared a laugh, although Steve was certain that TJ wasn’t kidding. “I’ve been there before. I used to have to sleep sitting up just to breathe. I think you know a little about my pre-Captain days.”

“If by a little, you mean I had an unhealthy crush on a dead man, then, yeah.” TJ blushed.

“Ok.” Steve chuckled, “So you understand I wasn’t always healthy, or strong.”

“Yeah, it’s knowledge that resides in the back of my head, but it refuses to link itself to _you_.”

“So, I understand what it’s like to not be able to do what you think you should, and to have people pushing you down when you _just have to do_ something.”

“Are you here to tell me to let them ‘push me down’?”

“No.” Steve shook his head. He took a big bite of pizza, “I’m here to tell you that if you need backup to fight them off, call me. I do hope you won’t do anything to get yourself put into the hospital.”

“Oh, no. I would much rather get through a _whole day_ not wanting a nap.”

“So, did I hear right? Your meeting was a success?”

“Yeah.” TJ beamed. “You know, the guy almost reminds me of you, but much more awkward.”

“Is that even possible?” Steve chuckled.

“Yeah. It’s possible with this Simon Carter guy. He’s pretty cool, but he’s pretty awkward. Stacked like you too.” TJ teased.

“Does Jack have competition?”  Steve asked.

If Jack had asked, TJ would know it wasn’t a joke, but coming from Steve, it was so obviously a tease. TJ laughed harder than he should with his ribs, “No. Ow.” He breathed in and blew out a long breath, “No.”

“You said Carter?”

“Yeah, Simon carter, tall, pretty guy. Nervously straight. Awkward as the day is long and pretty talented if the stuff he’s done off, off, off Broadway are any indication. Why? OH. Oh… I, naw, the “small world syndrome” can _not_ be that small.”

“Why not?” Steve asked.

“Because that means 70+ years ago, you and Peggy did something the history books don’t support. Your cute, awkwardness doesn’t support. I’m saying the guy reminds me of you-not Peggy Carter. If that were the case, she’d have had to _give up_ a child of yours. I get that she was committed to her career and to saving the world, and that might be motivation to give up a child, but _your child_? Add to that, the guy has the name _Carter_ , which means the fictional child would have known his parentage, wouldn’t the name be _Rogers_?”

“Clearly, you don’t know enough about Pegs.” Steve said affectionately. “You’re probably right. Just a strange coincidence.”

“Wait, Steve? Hydra. Could they have gotten their hands on any of the blood samples that the SSR took from you after the serum? They had Bucky. Could they have been trying to clone you?”

“TJ – you have a very active imagination.” Steve tried to make light of the odd concept he’d already been tossing around inside his head.

“However, if they did try, they failed miserably. It would explain why Jack and I are such weak copies of Bucky.”

“Cut that out TJ. You’re neither a copy, nor are you weak. This is just the product of too much sci-fi.”

“You’re probably right, Sci-fi.” TJ allowed, embarrassed at his suggestion.

“Yeah. Problem with that excuse? Aliens.”

“Fuck Steve.” TJ almost choked on his pizza. “I thought you were dismissing this?”

“I am.” Steve chuckled. “It’s ridiculous, and I shouldn’t dismiss it altogether, but that’s what makes it so fun to mess with you.”

“Fine, if you want to be that way. Imagine you’re alone in the middle of the night and all of a sudden your sleep deprived mind starts to say, “TJ might be on to something.” What then? If we’re somehow _related_ to Bucky. If this Simon Carter is somehow _related_ to you? It could be like finding family.”

“You’re so dramatic.” Steve continued to chuckle, not at all comfortable with the implications, but trying to see the inherent humor in someone else’s take on a thing like this.

“I guess I am, I’m allowed after today. I really appreciate the visit Steve. Even if it did get weird.” TJ smiled.

“So, can you tell me about your project?”

“It’s not _as_ top secret as what you’re going to be giving Jack. I’ll be scoring this musical that Simon has a bunch of notes and sketches for. I’m excited, nervous too.”

“How far “off Broadway” will this one be?”

“Smack dab. The real deal. I can’t fuck this up.”

“You won’t, not with talent _and imagination_ like yours.” Steve said with a hint of a tease, even though his compliment was genuine.

“Thanks, that really does mean a lot. I mean, coming from one entertainer to another.”

Steve laughed, “TJ, it’s been a hundred years since I was an entertainer. and then it wasn’t really “me”.”

“Not a hundred, you know the stage, it applies.” TJ corrected, laughing too. He looked up at the sound of the door, “Hey there Stranger.”

“Hi to you two troublemakers too.” Jack answered, setting his bag down.

“If you want, there’s still pizza in the oven.” TJ managed before Jack kissed him, and sat on the arm of the chair with a hand on TJ’s shoulder.

“Hi Jack.” Steve greeted Jack. “I’m sorry to incite worry earlier. I wasn’t sure what to think when TJ wasn’t here.”

“Apologize to him for doubting him.” Jack answered as an extended offer to TJ from his own doubts.

“We’ve covered all of that.” TJ supplied, putting a hand on Jack’s thigh. “I’m sure you two have work to discuss, I’m going to go take a nap. I’ve about done myself in from the emotions and being upright so long. I keep forgetting it was only a few days ago.”

Jack offered TJ a hand “If you’re sure. I didn’t come home just to chase you from your visitor.”

“I know. I wasn’t thinking that at all. You don’t mind, do you Steve?”

“No, I was expecting it. We made contingency plans in case you got sick of me.”

“It’s not that.” TJ started. “Oh, fine, you’re teasing. I definitely need sleep, sorry.”

“Take it easy TJ. You have to heal, you have a Broadway creation to rest up for.”

TJ heard their exchange before  he closed the door; “Is he ok?”

“Seems like it to me, he was starting to look tired before you got home. I still feel pretty crummy about ratting him out to you.”

“I honestly didn’t know what to think after he’d made plans with you. I hate even suspecting him, because I haven’t ever had to.”

TJ moved carefully to the bed, feeling pain, and feeling stubborn enough to endure it. He was grateful, now that he’d had a chance to think about it. He’d felt so suffocated earlier by all of the concern, but now, in the comfort of home, after a nice, friendly conversation, he was able to be happy that people cared enough to not only check on him, but make plans to do so. TJ fell asleep dreaming about the farfetched idea that Hydra had tried to clone the super soldiers. It was confusing, in the way that dreams about houses you should be familiar with were mazes, or had doors where they shouldn’t. It was disturbing that in its sci-fi nature, it still felt real.

TJ woke with a start, a scream strangled in his throat. The pain was only a contributor, the Hydra-Clone fantasy had taken a terrifying turn.

“It’s ok Kitten, you were dreaming.” Jack said from the side of the bed. He was sitting next to TJ’s hip. “What were you dreaming.”

TJ let Jack’s hand press him back against the pillows, “Clones.” TJ looked up at Jack. “Steve and I talked about Hydra trying to clone him and Bucky, resulting in you and me, and Simon, the guy I’m working for. I had crazy-ass dreams because we were joking about stupid clones. and yes, sober.”

“I didn’t ask. Did my face ask? If you think so, maybe it was just me processing the idea of clones. You do realize I’m going to have to work with weirder shit than that, right?”

“Weirder than being a clone of someone you had a stupid crush on growing up?”

Jack kissed TJ’s temple, “yeah, sounds impossible, but weirder than that. Are you ok? I hear you had a rough day.”

“I got the job, it shouldn’t have been rough.”

“Success is scary too TJ.” Jack lay down next to TJ, putting his arm over him gently. “It’s ok to have doubts and fears when things are going well too. As long as you don’t fixate on them, and you did all the right things.”

“I didn’t. I didn’t call Janie, I didn’t let anyone know where I was going. I ignored my phone intentionally.”

“You’ve been having trouble talking to Janie recently. Why? The same reasons as when we were in the penthouse?”

“Some, she’s got her own issues just now, and she’s starting a relationship. I feel like someone should be there for her, not leaning on her and pulling her down.”

“She has her own sponsor, and she calls him when she’s feeling pulled down. You know as well as I do that Bucky would sit quietly while she talked you through it. If you were my sponsor, just humor me, trust me I won’t burden our relationship like that, but if you were, and you were struggling but could help me, would you be disappointed if I didn’t call you and because of it I nearly went down the wrong path?”

“Of course. Would I _tell you_ I was disappointed? No. I get your point.”

“If you think that friendship and Janie being your sponsor are not going to play well together, I’m sure you could talk to her and ask her for recommendations. I know you won’t choose to let the friendship go.”

“I’m not going to let either go. I just made bad choices. You were right, I was making excuses. I did some of the right things, got to the right end of it, but went about it the hard way. How was your day at the gym and your impulse shopping spree?”

“I had a good time. What I didn’t tell you was that I found a meeting of my own this morning, since I’m addressing all of the issues in my life.”

“I’m proud of you Jack.” TJ linked fingers with Jack’s, “I’m sorry. I owe you a big apology. I was feeling resentful this morning. I thought you’d set up the thing between Steve and me to babysit me. Not for drugs’ sake, but because you thought I couldn’t remain inactive without someone watching over me. I felt a little claustrophobic too.”

“I am a little guilty of just such a thing. Bucky suggested you needed someone to sit on you. Not literally, that would be counterproductive.”

“I know, Steve said the same. I guess the man has a history with stubborn shits, and thought his idea was great, you agreed. Of course. And Steve decided that as the perpetrator of previous stubborn moments he had the best approach. Even though I’m grateful for the attention, could we not have a repeat performance?”

“I promise.” Jack nuzzled TJ’s neck, “I’m sorry you had a shitty day. I’m really proud of your choices and I’m so excited for you.”

“Thanks baby.” TJ answered tiredly, “so what did you buy me.”

“You’re going right to the swag? I should have known.” Jack snuggled closer to TJ. “I left it in the other room.”

“So you can’t give me a hint? Here I’d thought you’d be excited to give me a gift and you left it lying around.”

“TJ. You’re impossible.” Jack kissed TJ’s nose, “I’m in love with an impossible fool. You asked about the gym. It was a slow start, but I think I’m going to like it once the bruises heal. I _did_ get you a membership too, if you’re still serious about it after you’re cleared for stuff like that.”

“Poke me, tell me how soft you think I’m getting. I am serious, I’ve been eating and not altering my metabolism, I’ll get soft and fat, and you’ll throw me over for your boss.”

“Maria Hill? I haven’t even met her.”

“Your other boss.”

“Oh, you mean the straight, lonely guy?” Jack smirked. “I’m sure you have no worries.”

“He’s lonely, but is he straight?” TJ teased. “If he’s lonely enough, maybe you have a shot.”

“You’re so funny. So, are you up for a mini-date? I thought, if you could endure it, we could go out for dinner.”

“I’m up for it. Or I will be after I do battle to sit up without jacking my ribs again. Are you ready for paparazzi? Did you deal with any today?”

“I didn’t. Did you?”

“No, it’s only a matter of time. We’re bound to get hit with it tonight if we go anywhere posh.”

“I’d say let’s start shit, I’m tired of waiting for it. We’ll go to the hottest place we can get into with a name-drop. You like?” Jack asked with a wicked grin after TJ was upright.

“Pick a place and pick a name. Prince Jack.” TJ pulled out clothes to change into. “I’m going to get a quick shower, try to make myself presentable. Do you think Janie would mind if I try to hide a few of these bruises with her makeup?”

“I think she’d volunteer to doll you up with all kinds of the stuff if she were here.” Jack teased, pulling up a list of restaurants he’d been wanting to try.

“Ok, I’ll never ask you a question again.” TJ said as he walked past Jack, smacking his ass.

“Love you Kitten.”

“Back atcha sweetheart.” TJ called from the hallway.

Jack called the first restaurant on his list and pulled down a reservation using TJ’s name, he wasn’t trying to go incognito, he was hoping to lift TJ’s spirits a little. Thinking that Jack could pull down a table before TJ Hammond could was silly.TJ had been out of the loop for a long time, Jack figured that a little extra confidence boost was in order, so that TJ didn’t stress when the time came to start creating.

“Hey TJ.” Jack called from the hallway, into the bathroom. “You got us a table sweetness. Which car service do you prefer?”

“The one you used last night is my favorite, if you can get them, or the one we used on the way back from the airport.”

“You smell nice.” Jack said, peeking his head through the door. “New stuff?”

“Gift basket from the penthouse. I had some sent over, I forgot how much I like it.” TJ said as he stepped out of the shower.

“Look at you. Jesus TJ, it looks worse.” Jack stepped into the bathroom and his hand hovered over the big ugly purple mark.

“I hear that’s the process. Dark and ugly purple. It feels no worse than before, not a lot better, but some.” TJ took Jack’s hand. “I’m fine Jack, I promise.”

Jack put his free hand on TJ’s neck, pulling him into a kiss, “I hate that you got hurt.”

“I know. I feel the same. Look at your face, we should put makeup on you too. Just a little. Don’t give me that look, you don’t have to look tough.” TJ kissed Jack back, “I’m sorry I worried you today.”

“I’m sorry I handled it incorrectly. You had no idea where I was all day, and you’re allowed the same freedom. Steve got worried, and to be honest, all I could think was that you were hurt somewhere. I want your solemn promise that you’re not humoring everyone with all of the “I'm fine” nonsense. You’re going to tell me if your ribs are worse than they were, right?”

“I am, I would. Nothing is worse. Today started out fine, the guy, Simon, he’s really nice. Awfully cute, awkward and straight, but he hired me, he likes my work. It was great until I started walking to the train. I got Steve’s text, even though I’d talked to him and knew he was coming, I started to feel cramped, suffocating.”

“Kitten,” Jack wrapped a crying TJ in his arms. “It’s ok TJ. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m so proud of you.”

“Why can’t I enjoy a win Jack? Why did a good thing have to go sour?”

“You’re going to enjoy it so many times over TJ. I promise, so many opportunities to celebrate this win. Tonight we have dinner, in style. You’ll have celebratory moments while collaborating with Simon and you’ll tell me what you can about them and we’ll celebrate again. In the end, there’s the opening night, and you’ll be able to celebrate it all over again. Today was just a bump in the road. Get dressed love.”

Jack left the bathroom, calling the car company and changing his clothes while TJ collected himself in the bathroom.

TJ looked at his bruised and tear-streaked face in the mirror, “nice job Teej.” He said disdainfully. “Jack’s happy, you’re a putz and you’re going to fake a date with him.”

“You’re not a putz TJ.” He heard through the door and across the hallway.

“You’re eavesdropping.” TJ called back.

“Don’t you dare fake your date. I know you love me and you want to be with me.”

TJ smiled into the mirror. “You might be right, or wrong. That depends on how much more eavesdropping you’re planning to do.”

“If you’re going to talk to yourself, close the door. I am happy you know, I’m happy _for you._ You’re frightened, it’s ok.”

“You’re annoying.” TJ shook his head, smiling in spite of himself. “I love you Jack.” TJ said as he left the bathroom. “and I hope you love me so much that you don’t care that I didn’t cover my bruises after all.”

“I don’t care, I didn’t either. People and the press can think what they want.” Jack leaned against the doorframe to their bedroom. “Look at you.”

“Better than naked, huh?”

“Oh, now I didn’t say that.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t say “Jesus TJ it looks worse”.” TJ teased, stepping into Jack’s space and wrapping his arms around Jack’s waist. “I love you. You make things better.”

“Sometimes.” Jack caressed TJ’s jaw, “When I know how. You look amazing Kitten. Get your shoes, the car should be here soon.”

TJ fidgeted in the car, Jack took his hand, “hey.”

“I know.”

“Should we do this another night?”

“No, it’s just, we’ve ducked the press, here. I know they’re going to be there when we show up. Between what happened in Gilboa and getting our names, my name, out there tonight, people will show up.”

“I know. You just smile, you do what you know. Answer or don’t at your discretion. You have work, you’re working on other projects, you’re clean and you and I are together. Boring news, really.”

“It is, from a news standpoint, isn’t it?”

“Biggest news will be our bruises, and Gilboa’s papers and broadcasts already covered that as a hate crime. We’re just going to dinner Kitten. You’re safe, and so am I. I was already horribly outed by my father, no scandalous surprises in our being together. Anyone wants to take issue with our similar facial features, we can always point them toward ‘clones’ as you and Steve dreamed up.”

TJ chuckled, squeezing Jack’s fingers. “I’m being so infantile today.”

“Cut that out. Sensitive isn’t the same as infantile. You’re entitled.”

“I’m not always entitled, don’t give me too much rope to hang myself. Oh jesus.” TJ took a deep breath, “we’re here and they’re here. It’s been a nice quiet life for so long, fuck what am I doing?”

“Stage fright. Don’t worry kitten, you’re the best version of you you’ve been for a very long time. Just remember that.”

“What would I do without you?”

“Do you remember….” Jack started, as they sat in the still car, “please give us just a minute…” he said to the driver, “Do you remember the first time I went out in public with you? You and Janie and I was terrified?”

“I do. You put on a good show of not being so.”

“You were watching out for my every move, you called Janie off in the store when she was overwhelming, you let me drag you both away from the flower-show. I’m here for you in that way tonight. It’s ok to be afraid, but you don’t have to be alone.”

“I shouldn’t be…”

“I shouldn’t have either, but it was that way, and you didn’t judge me. I’m not going to judge you. You know one thing I know about you? You’re going to saunter past those people, you’re going to smile and once we’re inside, you’re going to be able to lean on me.”

TJ followed Jack from the car, grateful and frustrated at the same time that Jack had put himself against the door that would put him out in public first. Grateful because it gave TJ an extra moment, frustrated because it was an extra moment that it wasn’t being put behind him. TJ chastised himself for not being realistic. He pasted a smile on his face as he rose from the car with a little help from Jack. It was a long-honed smile that was practiced and perfected, and was guaranteed to cover  anything, from a drugged haze, to a near crippling fear. The latter was something TJ hadn’t experienced before, only coming close when he was released from the hospital from his accidental overdose. “Jack.” TJ said softly. Jack’s hand tightened on TJ’s arm.

“Lean on me now if you have to.” Jack said close to TJ’s ear, the smile he’d no doubt perfected never leaving his face, but his eyes warmed for TJ’s benefit.

They walked through the throng of pushy press people, not giving any words to the crowd. TJ’s grip on Jack’s arm wasn’t just for show, he was holding Jack’s bicep with both hands, nearly, but not quite leaning on him. His smile for the crowd didn’t slip, but he felt it transform when he caught Jack’s eye just before the door.

“Thank you Jack.” TJ practically collapsed against Jack inside the door.

Jack put his hand over TJ’s on his arm. “You’re fine. You handled it just fine.”

“I was a fucking mess and you know it. Please do me a favor? Handle the drink order tonight, if anyone asks, I’m afraid I’ll do something embarrassing and stupid.”

“Water? Soda?”

“Water with lemon.”

Jack agreed silently, and followed as they were directed to their table overlooking the city.

TJ let the familiar sounds of music and dinnerware soothe his nerves, listening to Jack as he talked about the building his meeting had been held in compared to the building the gym was situated in.

“Speaking of buildings.” TJ finally felt up to saying, after a few nibbles on an appetizer. “Simon’s apartment is amazing, takes up half the floor of his building, there’s a pretty view of the park right off the piano. I thought of you.”

“You did? You're in another man’s apartment and you’re thinking of me? Aww, Kitten, that’s so sweet.” Jack teased.

“Shut up.” TJ finally smiled. “I need you to promise me something. I need you to listen and I need you to promise to be honest with me.”

“This sounds serious.” Jack leaned forward, “You’re not having second thoughts about us are you? I know a family is more than you signed up for that first night we screwed around.”

“No, not second thoughts about us. I’m afraid to hurt anyone’s feelings. I think I got too worked up over this…”

“TJ, what is it?”

“I'm having second thoughts about staying with Janie. I don’t want her to be upset, I don’t want you to feel like you have to move…”

“TJ, I was looking longingly at Brooklyn buildings just yesterday.”

“You didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings either, or rush you in any way. How realistic is it for Janie to try to have a new relationship while we’re having a crying baby and diaper changes?”

“She’d never say anything. But what if she means it, and wants us to stay?”

“She wants us to be healthy, and happy. She deserves the same. Besides, it’s not like we won’t be giving the girl her own key to wherever we wind up.” Jack added.

“The apartment is already pretty cramped. Add a baby and toys. But how do I break it to her?”

“We talk to her like adults sweetheart. The two of us, you’re not alone Kitten.”

“I just promised her we weren’t going anywhere.”

“We’re going to be in the same city. If we make the move to Brooklyn, she’ll see us because she crosses town to see Bucky, if we stay near here, she’ll see us when she’s near home. It’s almost like not going anywhere.”

TJ sipped his water, looking at Jack, “We’re really talking about this? I thought for sure you’d try to coddle me, reassure me that staying was best.”

“you want that? You asked for honesty. I’m confused.”

“Stop being an ass. I did ask for honesty, but I still expected the other. I don’t want to leave Janie, but I think I want our own place.”

“We have to leave Janie’s place for that to happen. I wonder if she’ll make us take the chairs.” Jack chuckled.

“She’s going to need them for when we visit.” TJ reminded Jack. “Same with the piano.”

“I’ll take care of anything we need, you can worry about how you feel about it when your money starts coming in.”

“Gee, thanks.” TJ smiled “I’ll be making it up to you.”

“I know. Would be shocked if you didn’t say so.”

They ate dinner and talked more about a move, and possibly finding property in Brooklyn near Bucky and Steve’s neighborhood.

“It’s really nice TJ. You need to come check it out. We could stop by and visit the bookstore too.”

TJ started to relax as the meal went on, the conversation drifting between the various changes in their lives.

“I’m not sure all of this change is a good thing.” He sighed, “I guess there’s more to talk to my therapist about. Starting with what happened to me today.”

“I think it’s all good, I do think your therapist can help you with it, I know it’s going to shake us up quite a bit, so any extra help is good, right?”

“Yeah.” TJ’s fork hovered over his dessert, “None of it is bad change. You’re handling so many more changes and you’re managing better than I am.”

“TJ, one day of hesitation and uncertainty isn’t “not handling” things. Trust me, I unplugged today, so as much as I’d like to take credit for adjusting nicely to change, it’s just that I had a decent day where nothing touched me. Not until I couldn’t find you. That effected me.”

“I didn’t mean to bring down your day. Maybe I’m wallowing in the pain and inconvenience caused by my injury.”

“Let’s get something straight, I worried about you because of your injury, and my love for you. You didn’t bring down my day, if I implied that, I was wrong. Lastly, you’re allowed to be effected by the way you feel physically, as well as fears and concerns over your future and the way your loved ones will react to your ideas.” Jack checked his phone, feeling the vibration. TJ looked at his too. “We’re alone tonight. Good. I think this couldn’t have happened on a better day.”

“Janie’s checking in. Look what we’ve done to her.” TJ said with a soft smile. “Is that a sign that we should stay, or that we should move?”

“It’s a text that friends send one another, it’s not a sign of anything. Talk to your therapist, we’ll talk to Janie after you get your bearings from the therapy visit, if it’s advisable that is. TJ, every change we face, the ones we can control, we’re going to do together, in the healthiest way possible, ok?”

“I know. Like I said, I’m just wallowing.”

“No, you’re not.” Jack covered TJ’s hand with his, “You’re in recovery, you’ve had a lot of things happen to you in just a couple of short months, and more on the horizon. Of course you’re going to feel a little panicky. I have. You’ve been there for me and you don’t tolerate when I self-flagellate. I’m going to take a page from your book. I’m not letting you do it to yourself.”

“Well, then.” TJ smiled weakly, “You’re going to rescue me?”

“You don’t need rescuing. Don’t pull that “Prince Benjamin” thing on me TJ. Can’t I be the one who is there for you just once? Maybe twice?”

“I guess I have no choice.”

“What you have is no experience. I really do like your brother, your mom’s growing on me, but they suck TJ. They battled you to get you sober, they didn’t battle _for you_. They were there to pick up the pieces because it looked better if they were, and it minimized the damage done to them. I’m here to make sure there aren’t any pieces. I’m _here_ to make sure you don’t fall apart. Just like you’ve been here _for_ _me_. Not to pay you back for it, but because it’s what people who love each other _should do_. You fucking taught me that TJ. You’re going to have to learn it for yourself.”

TJ hated that he’d put the sob in Jack’s urgent voice, he was wallowing, he knew it and he was having a hard time pulling out of it. Jack was right, and the fucked up thing was that someone who was abused worse than TJ imagined being, was conscientious enough to recognize TJ’s own mistreatment. “I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow and a follow-up on my ribs. Will you be busy tomorrow? Or could you go to the doctor’s office with me? You’d benefit from the Doctor’s first-hand account.”

“I’d trust whatever you tell me TJ. But I’d happily accompany you.”

TJ set his fork across his dessert plate, next to his half-eaten confection, “I’m tired, could we call it a night?”

“Any time.” Jack kept his worry checked. It was a long day of emotions, that was all, nothing to worry too much over.

On the ride home, Jack pulled out a ribbon-wrapped box. “For you.”

TJ took the parcel, turning it over in his hands, seeing his frown in the reflection of the shiny ribbon. He looked at Jack with a smile that he hoped didn’t look forced, “my surprise?”

“It’s not much.” Jack shrugged.

TJ opened the box, a shining watch stared back at him. He slipped the leather-banded timepiece off the pillow it was wrapped around and threaded his fingers through the band. “Jack, it’s beautiful.”

“I’m ridiculous, read the back.”

TJ turned it over, savoring the cool glass and metal, smooth against his fingers, the supple leather band warming his palm. “Every second I love you more.”

“You are ridiculous.” TJ wrapped his arms around Jack’s arm and snuggled close to him. “I’m glad you are, I love it. I feel the same way you know.”

“I do. You love it huh? The cheesy quote?”

“The beautiful watch, the heartfelt-cheesy quote, the fact that you took time out of your day to think of me when all I was doing was thinking of myself.”

“My how the tables have turned.” Jack teased. “You know it’s been almost two months of the exact opposite, right?”

“No. I don’t see it that way.”

“You need your eyes examined.” Jack kissed TJ’s temple, “I love you TJ. If you happen to have a down day and I happen to buy you a gift, you still deserve the gift, even if you feel undeserving.”

“A good night’s sleep, and I’ll be less pessimistic in the morning.” TJ promised. He held the watch tighter in his hand and laid his head on Jack’s shoulder, his eyes half closed.

Jack resisted saying anything else, knowing that the drive was going to put TJ to sleep. He did ask the driver to take the scenic route, reluctant to wake TJ too soon.

TJ stirred and moved, his ribs telling him he wasn’t comfortable in this position. He looked around, still in the car. “Where are we going?” he asked quietly.

“I had the driver take the long way, you were sleeping.”

“Practice for when the baby comes?” TJ teased.

“Funny.” Jack smirked. “I felt guilty waking you too soon.”

“You should have gone home, then sent me on a roundtrip excursion. I’ve been a thorn in your side.”

“You have been.” Jack agreed. “But I would never abandon you.”

“You say that now.” TJ grinned. “I still need to apologize. I love the gift, dinner was really nice, even if my company left a lot to be desired. I apologize for that. How long have we been driving?”

“I think about an hour. We’re getting close to closing the circuit. You think you can stay awake for that?”

“I’m pretty sure I can. Testing your patience with me today aren’t I?”

“No TJ. I know you feel self-conscious about today, about nearly slipping, and about being moody, but you shouldn’t fixate on it. I’m quite impressed with the strength you showed.”

“I didn’t call Janie.”

“I know. You keep doing that, it’s something you might want to talk to your therapist about, and Janie too. If you feel comfortable doing it on your own, that’s great, if you need to reach out to somebody, that’s what your sponsor is there for. It’s your recovery TJ. I want you to be healthy, and you and I both know _why_ you didn’t call Janie today and why you didn’t when we were in the penthouse. You didn’t want someone telling you what to do. Even more, _I believe_ you wanted the test, could you push past it without someone else’s encouragement? Ask yourself if that’s the case, because if you’re going to test yourself by blatantly _not_ calling for help, you can’t wallow in guilt later for not reaching out.”

“I hate when you see through me.”

“Try harder not to be transparent.” Jack teased. “Come on, we’re home.”

TJ let Jack help him out of the car, groaning over the now-familiar pains. “I could stand a day off from this injury.”

“Then you have to spend more of your days not doing things. You’re making matters worse by being up all of the time, and I am _not_ helping dragging you out at night.” Jack rambled.

“Honey, you’re getting tired, your words are starting to hook up.”

“Someone’s getting some action.” Jack complained. “We’re not hooking up.”

“Yeah, baby’s tired.” TJ smiled, putting his arm around Jack under his suit-coat. “We’ll hook up soon, love.”

“So you say. You’re just trying to prolong abstinence by claiming injured status.” Jack pouted.

“I know. The last thing I want is for any hooking up to happen between you and me, so I’m faking it.”

“Didn’t say faking.”

“Oh, ok. I’m _milking it_ and making it worse by doing adult things like finally scoring work and going to an emergency meeting. and visiting with a friend you set me up with.”

“Yeah, that’s more like it.” Jack pretended to lean on TJ in the elevator, wanting to _really_ lean on him but afraid of hurting him. “Just so we can’t hook up.”

“I love your belligerence, I’d have loved to see you belligerent and in an altered state. You’d have been a fun not-so-sober partner.” TJ teased, thinking how much fun the two would have had.

“I woulda been a not-so-fun royal pain in the ass.” Jack corrected.

“I don’t know, you could be right. I might have hated you.” TJ stepped out of the elevator, leading Jack to Janie’s apartment.

“Lots of people hated me, it wouldn’t have effected me.” Jack frowned, stopping in the hall. He didn’t like the idea of TJ hating him in any of his states, but was fully aware that he had been easy to dislike.

“That’s where you’re lying, baby.” TJ said to Jack, tugging on his arm, “It would hurt you. You didn’t _like_ being hated. You didn’t want it. I honestly can’t imagine a world where I hated you.”

“I’m lucky to have a liar for a boyfriend.” Jack teased. “Not so lucky I can’t ‘hook up’ with him.”

“I’m sure you could find someone to fill the void, but I think you’re too tired anyway.”

“I’m offended.” Jack said, pushing TJ through the opened apartment door. “Offended that you think I’m ever too tired.”

“Shithead.” TJ teased. “Come on baby, time for you to go to bed.”

TJ led Jack to the bathroom, he took Jack’s jacket and watched him, standing in the doorway while Jack brushed his teeth, “you’re not offended that I suggest you could find someone else? Look how pretty you are.”

“Shut up TJ.” Jack said, wiping his face with a towel. “You’re such a narcissist.”

TJ laughed, no longer surprised by the twinges his body responded with. “I guess we both are.”

“You just gonna watch?” Jack groused, letting his trousers hit the floor after unfastening them to relieve himself.

“Yup. Admiring your ass. You know I like your ass.”

“You don’t get my ass.” Jack tossed over his shoulder. “You’re on the injured list.”

“I can appreciate it. My eyes aren’t effected by my injury. My sight is just fine. My view is fine too.”

Jack washed his hands and wiped them on TJ’s face and shirt. “You’re the shithead.”

TJ pushed away from the doorframe and followed Jack to the bedroom. He watched Jack pull his belt out of the pants he’d picked up from the floor, and continued to watch his graceful movements as he folded the pants and his shirt before placing them in the laundry pile.

“What?” Jack looked over at TJ from the closet.

“Just watching you is semi-erotic.”

“Watching me gather laundry? Who knew you were into such domesticity.”

“Your body, not the laundry. You’re graceful, were I’m gangly. You’re a very sexy person Jack. Fluid movements.”

“I never thought of you as gangly. I always see your stretches as elegant. When you sit on the floor in the living room or when you get up from the floor it’s always so catlike.” Jack unbuttoned TJ’s shirt. “I never don’t see you as my kitten.”

“Kittens are gangly, and vaguely elegant, sometimes.” TJ smiled, caressing Jack’s jaw before running his hand down his chest. “I suppose I’ll take it.”

Jack’s fingers teased the outer edges of TJ’s dark purple bruises. “I hate this.”

“I know what you mean.” TJ said, copying Jack’s movement, skittering his fingers over Jack’s bruises. “They’re healing, at least.”

“Hardy bother me.” Jack admitted. He put his hand on TJ’s chest, avoiding any colored areas, and stepped closer. TJ kissed Jack abruptly, pulling him closer by a hand on his neck.

Jack’s hands pulled and pushed at TJ, mirroring TJ’s neck pull, pushing at his shoulder, steering TJ toward the bed.

“Jack.” TJ muttered through their kiss.

“Kitten,” Jack let TJ push him over onto the mattress, and straddle him, while kissing him roughly. Jack shamelessly rocked against TJ, knowing it wasn’t right, it couldn’t go further.

TJ pulled away reluctantly, “I wouldn’t _die_.” He offered.

“Stop that.” Jack scooted back on the mattress, sitting up as TJ sat beside him. “I’d hate myself if we made your injury worse.”

“I know.” TJ lay down next to Jack, looking at him up close. “It sucks.”

Jack laughed, “it does. Soon enough you’ll be recovered.”

“You’re not helping.”

“I know that. Look at it this way, we’re both tired. It would be careless and lazy and someone would get hurt – you.”

TJ threaded his fingers through Jack’s hair, “well, if you’re gonna be all adult and responsible about it.”

“You’re not the only one frustrated about that.” Jack laughed.

“Maybe there’s something we can do that’s so vanilla and safe? Blow me?” TJ winked.

“Jesus.” Jack rolled onto his side, gazing into TJ’s darkened eyes, “Fuck.”

“No, we stop short of that.” TJ continued to tease, his tongue traced the edge of his bottom lip before he drew the pink plumpness between his teeth.

Jack eased forward, tasting the same plump pink lip, offering his own tongue to TJ’s warm mouth. “Fuck Kitten,” he groaned into TJ’s mouth.

TJ pulled back, looking at Jack, “You’re gonna say ‘no’, aren’t you.”

“I’m gonna say ‘no’.” Jack agreed. “I’m afraid stopping now is the only conscious and conscientious decision I’ll be able to make if we keep it up.”

“My virtue is safe with you.” TJ winked. He knew it had been a long shot, but he’d just had to try.

“No.” Jack laughed. “Nobody’s virtue is safe with me, but your body is safe for now.”

Jack watched as TJ stood up from the bed and finished undressing. They’d stopped worrying about pajamas unless they were going to be wandering the apartment, so watching TJ’s underwear-clad body crawl across the bed was an agony and a joy. Jack slid between the sheets next to TJ and flipped the tv remote in one hand before pressing the power button.

“Some TV ok before bed?” Jack asked, lifting his arm for TJ to settle against him.

“Mm-hmm.” TJ nodded, thinking about what they were missing, but only just. He _was_ tired. “Find something mindless and fun.”

“Ok, you know I would, in a heartbeat, don’t you?”

“Yeah. I know. I also know if the tables were turned, I’d be as sickeningly responsible and fucking noble.”

“I love you too, Kitten.”

“I know.” TJ snuggled closer, putting his hand on Jack’s bare chest, careful not to rest it on one of the purplish-yellow marks. “I do love you Jack.” He said after a long pause.


	52. Chapter 52

In the following weeks, TJ dove into his therapy. He asked for extra sessions, he told his mom he was working on making changes and really needed the extra time.

> “I’m happy you’re taking the steps you need to adjust, there’s a lot happening in your life right now TJ. I’m very proud.” She’d said, “I promise you, your father and I will see that the sessions are paid for, you have other things you need to concern yourself with, don’t worry about the cost.”
> 
> “Or the added pressure from the press?” TJ asked, “You know it’s going to get out, it’s going to be blown out of proportion, linking Jack’s past with mine and turning my mental health into a circus for you.”
> 
> “You don’t worry about press and what it does to me. I can handle those sharks. As long as Jack’s been straightforward with you about his past, no truth they can dredge up should be able to touch you. Your relationship is between you and him; don’t let any reporter or wanna be reporter try to tell you differently.”

TJ had taken all of these tools with him to his therapist, opening up to him as he’d never done before. He’d been trying to ‘be strong’ for so long, never admitting anything was beyond his control, even when it was plain to anyone that could see ten inches in front of them, that nothing was even remotely _within_ his control.

Every day looked brighter to TJ. He’d dreaded the week Jack would be gone, but when he woke up alone, missing Jack, on the first morning, he recorded a short video and sent it to Jack, receiving one while he was in the shower, echoing TJ’s love, showing the Gilboa skyline, much as TJ had shared their own.

TJ’s mornings continued to go in that manner, not making contact personally, due to the time difference, but once per day, Jack would video-call TJ and they’d talk for an hour or more.

> “How’s Eli? How’s Lucinda and Baby James?”
> 
> “James? Did we decide on James?”
> 
> “I've been calling him that.” TJ answered with a challenge. “If it weren’t for Bucky we might never have met.”
> 
> “If it weren’t for Bucky I might not be alive. James it is.” Jack said with a sappy grin through TJ’s phone. “James is still healthy, Lucinda is leaving after the coronation, she’s got her place in Paris all set up. We should go there Kitten.”
> 
> “I haven’t heard that in days. I miss it. I hate you, but I miss it.”
> 
> “You don’t.” Jack argued. “How’s the writing going, now that you’re collaborating in person with Simon?”
> 
> “I think we’re on a roll. He makes it so I miss you a little less, his humor is weirder than yours, so I don’t miss that at all.”
> 
> “Liar.” Jack smiled. “I’m glad you’re getting along, it’s better for long hours.”
> 
> “How’s Janie? I mean, I know what _she says_ but you’re with her.”
> 
> “She’s doing well, I hate to say this, but she and Michelle _really_ hit it off.”
> 
> “Scary.” TJ cringed, “I know how it would be if she liked Dougie that much, that would be weird.”
> 
> “Yeah, it’s worse. They’re good at ganging up on me, _and David_.”
> 
> “Hey, that gives you two something to bond over. How is everything between you two?”
> 
> “Shitty.”
> 
> It was TJ’s turn, “Liar.”
> 
> “Ok, fine.” Jack grinned. “We’re actually getting along surprisingly well. It must be because I’m so evolved.”
> 
> “You really are, Jack. Don’t even tease, you’ve changed so much since he knew you.”
> 
> “Eh.” Jack shrugged. “Are you still going to the extra therapy sessions?”
> 
> “Yeah, I think I’ll be doing so for the next month.”
> 
> “I talked to Janie about moving. She’s going to talk to you, she wants your honest opinion. I’m not going to tell you anything I told her, or anything we talked about, I don’t want her to think I’m influencing you, so I don’t want you to accidentally quote me.”
> 
> “Did she accuse you of influencing me?”
> 
> “No, she didn’t but I’m being just a little cautious, and paranoid. I’m working on that with my own therapist, only long distance. She agrees, I’m being paranoid.” Jack smiled. “Just talk to Janie, and when she asks how you feel about it, be honest.”
> 
> “You know, you and I have talked about this move several times, I cold inadvertently quote you anyway.”
> 
> “Yeah, but I don’t think it would be verbatim like it could be if I divulge our discussion before you and Janie talk.”
> 
> “I miss you Baby.” TJ sighed, flopping across the bed.
> 
> “I haven’t seen you so carelessly throwing yourself around in weeks. You must be feeling better.”
> 
> “I do. I am. I can’t wait to prove it.” TJ grinned wickedly.
> 
> “I can’t wait for that either. See if the penthouse is available for when I return, otherwise make reservations somewhere posh. We deserve a night to ourselves.”
> 
> “and posh surroundings, Prince Jack?”
> 
> “That’s ‘your highness’ to you.”
> 
> “That’s “jackass” to me.” TJ corrected with a wink. “I hear Eli. Let me say ‘hi’ and then I’ll let you go.”
> 
> “Ok, he’ll appreciate that.”
> 
> “Yeah, the ‘get uncle Jack off the phone’ part. He doesn’t care if I say ‘hi’ or not.”
> 
> “Eli, say ‘hi’ to Uncle TJ.”
> 
> “Hi Unca Teejay.” Eli said into the camera, two fingers in his mouth, his blonde curls bouncing with the rest of his chubby body.
> 
> “Hi Eli. I miss you! Are you making sure Uncle Jack gets a lot of exercise?”
> 
> “Yass.” The small child said around his wet fingers.
> 
> “Do you get him up super early _every morning_?”
> 
> “I a good alarmb clock.” Eli said, waving saliva coated fingers at the camera. “Bye TeeJay.”
> 
> “Bye buddy.” TJ laughed. “Bye Jack. I love you.”
> 
> “I love you too TJ. Talk soon.”

TJ always felt bittersweet after a video call, missing Jack, but happy that individually they could still carry on, Jack was making a relationship with his brother-in-law, and TJ was getting stronger emotionally.

> Bucky surprised TJ on the Saturday that Jack and Janie were gone. “Hey, can I drop by?”
> 
> “Are you checking in on me?”
> 
> “No.” TJ caught Bucky’s hesitation, “I wanted to come by sooner, but I knew you were working. I thought, maybe, we could not be alone together.”
> 
> “Any time, and Bucky? If you _were_ checking up, I’d be ok with that, I was just hassling you.”
> 
> “Well, I heard how much you hated it when I sent Steve over.”
> 
> “I had a bad day that day. Do you want me to send a car? Or are you in the area already? I could even come to you.”
> 
> “You’re alone and lonely too huh?” Bucky laughed nervously.
> 
> “Yeah.” TJ sighed. “A couple more days. Did you have anything in mind?”
> 
> “Well, I haven’t left yet, If you wanted to come over, we have dozens of movies I’ve never seen, and food I can cook.”
> 
> “You cook, Bucky?” TJ was surprised.
> 
> “I do, I like it. Are you interested?”
> 
> “Hell yeah, I’m tired of sandwiches and I’m trying to do less takeout… and I’m lazy.”
> 
> “Ok sandwiches are out. How about I put the roast in, we watch movies while it cooks and makes our mouths water?”
> 
> “Sounds like the best kind of torture. I’ll be there in about an hour, if that’s not too soon?”
> 
> “No, that should be perfect, thanks TJ.”

“Thank you for the offer.” TJ hung up and called the car service. He changed into clothes fit to leave the house in, instead of the sweats that Jack had first borrowed from Janie when he’d stayed the first night, and the shirt TJ had tugged from the laundry that Jack had worn the day before he’d left. “Yeah, I’ll tell my therapist I’m a loser.” TJ said as he tossed the clothes in the hamper.

TJ grabbed his laptop (loaded with extra movies, in case one of the dozens Bucky mentioned wasn’t something either cared to watch) and stuffed it into his bag. He ran down the stairs to meet the car in front of the building.

TJ found excitement in visiting and working with Simon, and this Saturday visit excited him too, just hanging out with Bucky, preoccupying both of their day, so that neither had to be alone. Not being alone especially excited him. Because of his sobriety, his circle of friends had been drastically reduced, and more than half of his now tiny circle had gone off to another country.

TJ sent a recording of some dabbling he’d done that morning to Simon while on the drive, thank god for Wifi in cars. The exuberant “OMG TJ that’s IT” made him smile, they’d been at an impasse late into the night, TJ not “getting it” and Simon “not communicating” TJ guessed that somehow, after a half-night’s sleep, he finally “got” what Simon had tried to “communicate”.

“Happy to be of service. Have a good weekend Simon.”

The car pulled up in front of the brownstone with the bright red door, TJ hadn’t seen Steve and Bucky’s place yet, but he knew about the door. Bucky met him at the stoop.

“Hey, thought you’d like the tour from the common area through to the private quarters.”

“Yeah, I’ve been fed up with my own company too.” TJ said earnestly.

“Or that.” Bucky nodded. “TJ, I heard you’re really getting into your therapy – I hope this isn’t awkward or forward…”

“You want to know how it goes? Or you want a recommendation?”

“Yyyes?” Bucky said hesitantly.

“Ok, so you have my highest recommendation for my therapist, Jack really loves his too. It depends on who you’re comfortable talking to. And you _do_ have to talk. Jack’s therapist is a woman, mine’s a man. I didn’t choose him for that, but from recommendations at NA a meeting. He’s not just an NA therapist. Jack was nervous about selecting a woman, because of the problems he’d had with his mother, but he really liked her references and he really seemed to like her once she sat down with him. It’s a very personal experience.” TJ followed Bucky through the red front door.”

“You have to know, if you choose one of ours, we won’t hear any of what you talk to the doctor about, legally they can’t do that, so if you have things to say about us, or concerns over privacy at all, there’s nothing to worry about there. Jack and I _could_ have had the same therapist if we’d wanted.”

“I’m grateful for the information. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, not much should scare me, I’ve been the scourge of society for a long time.” Bucky led TJ up the stairs.

“You were used as a weapon.” TJ dismissed Bucky’s comment, “It’s ok to be afraid of things that are considered normal. It’s more than just ok to be afraid to open up to someone. I think it’s pretty natural. I will tell you, my therapist and Jack’s both have personal combat experience. Jack’s works more with combat veterans and PTSD issues than mine does, but only by current quantity. They’re both quality providers.”

TJ took in the bright apartment that Bucky opened to him, “Nice.”

“Thank you for the shelves. TJ, the kitchen shelves are possibly my favorite.”

“You’re just saying that.” TJ grinned, looking at the books on the wall near the door. “You’re getting a good start on your library. I have a couple you might like, brought them along.”

“and I’m the one who works in a bookstore.” Bucky smiled, “Thanks TJ.”

TJ took the books from his bag, handing them to Bucky. “ _The Top 2000 Things from The 20 th Century (A collection of pop-culture and news history)_” and “ _Tell Me More About the War (Soldiers’ accounts of Captain America, Bucky Barnes and the Howling Commandos)_ ”.

“I’m sorry if my sense of humor is too weird with this top one.” TJ apologized. “The bottom one might be dog-eared and have notes and doodles in it, and I might have had a crush on both of you as a kid. Oh and it’s autographed. Choose whether you like the Hammond or the Rogers or Barnes signatures.”

“TJ, I can’t take your book.”

“I was about to say I was kidding, about the signatures, and I kept the one with the doodles. This is a copy I found on eBay.” TJ laughed. “Also autographed, more like inscribed. I left you a note.”

Bucky opened the book, a familiar creak of a hardly used spine and the scent of an older book met him. “ _Thank you for all you did to save our country back in the war, and for all you suffered so that you could save Jack and somehow bring us together. All my respect, Thomas James (TJ) Hammond, and baby James Hammond-Benjamin_ ”

“TJ.” Bucky swallowed around a lump in his throat, “You… Baby James?”

I already cleared it with Jack.” TJ looked expectantly at Bucky, his brows raised in question. “If you’d prefer we didn’t?”

“No, no, I’m honored. I’m confused but I’m honored.”

“Don’t be confused. Honored is ok, if a bit weird.” TJ said dismissively. “I’m kidding. Come on, you promised movies.”

“So, I should have said something. I guess I’m not used to this kind of thing.” Bucky breathed, caressing the book. “We could be up pretty late, you could use Steve’s bed. I’m pretty sure we have enough supplies, I should have given you a chance to pack toiletries or something.”

“Bucky. If you have a towel, a shirt and some sweatpants or pajama pants, and a toothbrush, that’s all I need.

“I can find most of those things, and I do think we stocked up on things like toothbrushes when we moved in.” Bucky said, relieved. “I honestly don’t want to be alone any more this weekend, can I monopolize your time?”

“Yes.” TJ said without thinking. “I have to warn you, Jack calls once a day and it can last upwards of an hour. Not private by any means, you could even talk with Janie if she’s nearby. Of course you might have to hear Jack and me saying goofy love things.”

“I think I can handle any of that.”

“and Eli. He might talk at me for about six seconds.”

“Eli’s the little one, right?”

“Yeah, half-sized. He’s enamored with Jack so he is nearby 90% of the time. Tolerates me.”

“Sit down, make yourself comfortable. If I can take your bag, I’ll put it in Steve’s room.”

“Thanks. You know, you don’t have to try so hard.” TJ smiled. “You could just say “toss your shit in there.” I know what to do.”

“I’m trying. I haven’t hosted many people in – ever. Just Steve as a kid, and Janie a few times.”

“That’s different, I know. Hey, let me know what’s fair game and what to avoid, I’m good from there.”

“Ok, so the bathroom is around the corner, Steve’s room, mine. Aaand, you’ve gotten the grand tour. The fridge is fair game, cupboards too. I’m fixing the roast, but if you need anything before then, in addition to the popcorn I’ll make in a little bit, just help yourself.

“See? Easy.” TJ grinned. Watching Bucky thumb the spine of the book. “You wanna look through it?”

Bucky looked at TJ, then at the book in his hands. “I… I’m not sure.”

“Maybe that’s a Bucky and Steve thing.” TJ said, “I hope it’s not a shitty gift.”

“No. It’s definitely not. I didn’t know it existed. What kind of bookstore clerk am I?”

“How often do you deal with out-of-print books? I think you’re fine. I had mine since I was a kid, it’s almost ancient.” TJ winked.

Bucky huffed a quiet laugh, “Right. Ancient. Thank you TJ.”

“You’re welcome.”

Bucky set the book on the side-table and put the pop culture book on a shelf. TJ smiled at the distinct difference. “That book is cool too. I still haven’t seen or heard half of the things listed. It wasn’t _just_ a lame joke.”

“I think Steve and I will get a kick out of it.”

TJ watched Bucky cross into the kitchen, “Those shelves came out really nice. I’m glad you like them. Has Jack seen them? I don’t remember him talking about them recently. I know Janie was in love.”

“I can’t remember if Jack was here before they were completed or not. Janie encouraged us to pick the kind of wood we did and stain it instead of painting. I wasn’t sure, thought white would be better, but she was right.”

“Oh god, don’t tell her.” TJ teased. “I mean, you can…”

“You two have a very interesting relationship, I like it.” Bucky laughed. “She says the same kind of stuff about you.”

“Oh? She talks smack about me behind my back? I see how it is.” TJ sat back against the sofa back.

TJ watched as Bucky forced his guard down. He noticed the moment it was no longer a barrier, when Bucky laughed about his and Janie’s friendship. It was a relief to see the change. TJ recognized things about himself in Bucky’s demeanor, and the heightened state Jack had first been in when TJ had met him was radiating from Bucky. It had only been weeks since he was again Hydra’s captive, just weeks of real world, Steve and Sam, Janie. TJ was impressed that Bucky was asking about therapy. Just the vast changes since coming home from Gilboa were amazing. TJ couldn’t wait for the transformation that a future including therapy would offer Bucky.

“So, is it uncomfortable for you that I said I had a crush on you? I’m sorry if I put you off.”

“No, it’s flattering, actually. I’ve had my fair share of crushes, and I’ve been crushed on. It’s much harder to deal with idolization. A boy or a girl fantasizing about making out with me is pleasant. Idolizing me – I can’t separate the war soldier from _the winter soldier_ when I hear someone say “You’re my idol” and it makes me squirm, makes me nauseous.”

“Ok, so I think I only said crush.” TJ said, relieved.

Bucky laughed. “You did. I gave a much more detailed answer than you asked for, didn’t I?”

“That’s ok. I like that you feel you can. and that you can laugh at me. Shows just how terrible your sense of humor is.”

“I’m guessing you know how to work most of that equipment even better than I can, how would you like to find something to watch, are you ready for some popcorn and soda?”

“Yup. To all of the above. I assume if the movie’s on your device, it’s ok to watch? Nothing you have an aversion to?”

“Yeah, all has been prescreened and determined to not trigger any kind of PTSD-anything, unless Wilson is fucking with me.”

TJ laughed quietly as he scrolled through the list, “Well, I was going to say whoever prescreened your list was nice, but if you think there’s a trap in here, he’s a jackass. I didn’t think he was a jackass.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s not that level of jackass. He knows he’s the first person I’ll call if he fucks me up.”

“Or Steve would.” TJ mused. “How are you two getting along? Is living together hard or easy?”

“It’s one of the ore familiar things. It’s not always easy, he’s loud.” Bucky gave TJ a half-grin. “No, we’re both plenty loud when nightmares hit. I’ve had his screaming tear me from my own nightmares, I’ve had mine wake him from peaceful dreams. We seriously should have considered a more soundproof place. We’re actually discussing getting the outer walls sound-proofed for the sake of the neighbors.”

“I understand. Jack has some hellish nightmares too, I know how loud it can get.”

“How do you handle his nightmares?”

“I just try to be supportive, I try to soothe him, wake him, comfort him. It’s frightening sometimes, how deep he gets. He’ll be half sleeping, yelling at me through some battle only he knows about. When that happens, I leave him to come around. I get him tea, sit with him, saying stupid soothing things.”

“I mean, emotionally. How do you cope?”

“I just do. I mean, he’s suffering, it’s not me. If I am saddened by it, or whatever, I just remember it’s not me and it’s not about me. Do you have troubles, emotionally, when Steve has nightmares?”

“I blame myself.” Bucky said, looking out the window. TJ barely heard it.

He stood up and crossed to the kitchen, as wary as he was any time Jack had a flashback, that he can’t sneak up on Bucky. “Bucky.” He said from a few feet away. He approached, repeating Bucky’s name before laying a hand on his shoulder. Bucky turned to face TJ with a drawn look. TJ put his arms around Bucky, “It’s ok. I’m sure you shouldn’t blame yourself, but I understand why.”

“No, I don’t think you do. I told him to stay home. I should be able to say he did it to himself, but he got involved in all of this.” Bucky flung a hand out as if to indicate the vastness of insanity that Steve Rogers had to deal with. “because of me.”

“I think,” TJ said, clasping Bucky tighter when he didn’t pull away, “That he would have gone into the fire anyway. He signed up and was transformed _before_ Hydra had anything to do with you. He wanted to make a difference. He had to do what he felt was necessary. When he found you, it was all already done. To you, to him.”

Bucky put his arms across TJ’s shoulders, holding on. He listened to what TJ said, trying not to disagree. After a long silence, he pulled away, “I’m sorry about that.”

“Please. That’s nothing. You should see our meltdowns.” TJ smiled, “sometimes you just need a friend, and a hug.”

“It’s _not_ why I called you over.” Bucky wiped his tears on a kitchen towel and flung it into the laundry nook off the kitchen.

“I know. It’s really ok. Our secret if you’d like.”

“You don’t have to keep it a secret, I wouldn’t keep something that innocent from Janie, I don’t see why you should from Jack.”

“Because it was between you and me, personal and innocent. Things like that aren’t ‘relationship-breaking’. If it was, the relationship sucks. Trust me, I know from experience. You can always ask me to keep stuff like that between you and me. I don’t _set out_ to have secrets from Jack, but friends should have confidences too.”

“I guess that’s true. I’m not ashamed of having a mood. It doesn’t bother me. I think.”

“Good, it shouldn’t, but sometimes moods do get a bit messy and embarrassing.” TJ stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Bucky looking out the window. “You got a decent view when you found this place. Do you know of any around here? We might be moving out, and Jack’s enamored with Brooklyn.”

“Really? What does Janie think?” Bucky thought it was a good idea, he knew Janie meant what she said about welcoming the baby, Baby James. He also knew that it was hard enough having one roommate when you were used to being alone, he couldn’t imagine two and a baby. Even if the two were as decent as TJ and Jack.

“I think she’s worried about what I think. I think she’s afraid that Jack influenced me to make a change, because when Jack talked to her, she immediately said she wanted to talk to me. It’s because of her that I’m in New York. I actually suggested the move _to Jack_. But like a chickenshit, I didn’t talk to her.”

“It couldn’t be the easiest conversation to initiate.” Bucky suggested, turning to start the popcorn he’d gotten distracted from. “You want to pick your soda? We have quite a collection. I’d blame Steve, but they’re mine.”

“A collection of sodas?” TJ opened the refrigerator to see a shelf with a variety of crafted sodas in specialized bottles. “I see what you mean, top shelf stuff.”

“Well, I stopped buying beer, I felt like a jerk asking Janie over all the time, having it there. We only drink it for nostalgia’s sake, or the taste. I have a sweet tooth, and this is just as good. No buzz either way, so it’s the same really. Steve will occasionally bring home a couple of beers, I leave them for him, or have one the same day.”

“You know you can have a beer around Janes, she’s cool about it. I think she steers clear of the stuff for me, she’s not a fan of beer, doesn’t care enough for hard liquor for it to be an issue. Pills were her thing.”

“It’s ok, I really like the junk in there now.”

“You have any recommendations? I haven’t tried any of these things.”

“All of them are tried and true.” Bucky said, “It depends, there’s a number of root beer types, from birch beer to sasparilla, there are a few different colas. I like ‘em all, to tell the truth.”

“Well, I’ll go for what’s in front then, I guess.” TJ said, “You got a preference today?”

“Whatever’s in front.” Bucky agreed. “You’re a pretty easygoing guy TJ. Wouldn’t figure you for the escapist type.”

“You mean the drugs? Dumb kid. I fucked up, and I’m still paying the price.”

“It had to be more than that.”

“It sounds ridiculous talking to anyone who’s done anything. You most of all. I couldn’t _handle_ my life. My environment didn’t fit me.”

“That’s not ridiculous. People have been trying to fit in, or cope with not fitting in since way before you were born TJ. Alcohol and drugs go _way back_.”

“So you’re saying my problem’s not original?” TJ smirked. “I think you gave me a job to do.”

“Yeah, how _is_ the movie search going?”

“I think you interrupted it.”

“I guess I did. See, even standing in my own kitchen is rife with triggers.”

“I guess there’s no safe movies then. I suppose  we’ll have to sit in the dark and talk to each other.”

“Not in the dark.” Bucky shook his head, pointing at the light over the stove, “That light stays on, or the one in the bathroom. Ever since Gilboa.”

“Jesus. Bastards.” TJ muttered.

“I am glad you said talk though. I really don’t think I could handle darkness _and_ silence.”

“I see you’ve conquered the “what if the power goes out” problem.” TJ nodded toward the multiple stations of flashlights and lanterns, mostly camouflaged by their surroundings, or decorative enough to fit in.

“Yeah, I had a few very serious stipulations. Light was one of them. It’s my weird thing.”

“Shit Bucky, sensory deprivation isn’t a ‘ _weird thing_ ’. I’d be giving you anything you needed to make sure you didn’t have to go ‘back there’.

“It’s not even the worst thing I’ve been through, I think it was worse because I was constantly aware of who I was, and regaining more memories of who I’d been. All the other insanity they subjected me to was while I was… you don’t want to hear this garbage.” Bucky interrupted himself, tossing the popcorn with butter and cheese.

“I’ll listen to anything you're willing to discuss.” TJ gently corrected. “Oh my god, that smells great.”

“Secret ingredients.” Bucky waggled his eyebrows. “So, movie?”

“I admit I was distracted by the conversation, shows how reliable I am.” TJ shook his head, “How about we just pick from the top of the list. Nothing saying we can’t back out if it sucks.”

“I like it.” Bucky sat next to TJ on the sofa, large bowl between them. “If you get cold, there’s no shortage of blankets. I don’t know if you’ll get cold, it might just be the two ice-men.”

As they got involved with the movie, hands alternating into and out of the popcorn bowl, Bucky realized that his nervousness was dissipating. He’d been stressing over being a ‘good host’ but realized TJ was settling in comfortably simply through easy conversation. He didn’t need to be so much the ‘host’ as just a guy. The moment leading up to the hug lingered in the edges of Bucky’s consciousness, the hug had been unexpected, but even more unexpected was how much Bucky realized he’d needed it.

Bucky got up from the sofa at the start of the end credits to check the roast. “I know, I know, sacrilege.” He said as TJ looked over at him. “I thought  I might make it back before any surprise.”

“So you’ve been told the nuances of end-credits easter eggs.” TJ chuckled, “The bitch is when there are none. I do hope that when one of my songs finally gets into a movie you’ll sit and read every line until you see my name.”

“Trust me, you tell me when it happens and I’ll do just that.” Bucky said, basting the roast. “I hate to tell you this, but we’re probably another half-movie before we can eat.”

“Yeah, that’s just a shame.” TJ muttered. “I’ll have to sit here for another hour smelling that with no end to my suffering.”

“Yeah. My sentiments exactly. If it helps, we’re in it together.”

“Only vaguely helps. I can’t stand to see another man suffer, so I hope you do it with dignity.”

“I’ve mastered dignified suffering.” Bucky teased. TJ knew it was likely the truest statement uttered in this room, but it was delivered with enough levity that he allowed himself to smile genuinely.

Bucky flopped down onto the couch next to TJ. “Another!” he commanded, feeling relaxed and loose quicker with TJ than the first weeks living in the apartment with Steve.

“You called me over here to kneel to your commands? You think that because I’m sleeping with the _Prince of Gilboa_ that I’m accustomed to servitude?”

“Yeah, hell yeah.” Bucky laughed at TJ’s expression.

“Ok, which one.” TJ caved instantly, causing Bucky’s laughter to intensify.

“You’re just going to give up without a fight?”

“I guess.” TJ shrugged. “I mean, you’re right. _Prince_ _Jack_ has me well trained.”

“I call bullshit.” Bucky laughed.

“Ok so technically he _has_ _only_ told me to call him “Your Highness” once, and he was _over there_ when he did it.” TJ chuckled, pressing play on the next movie in the queue.

Bucky got up halfway through the movie, appreciating when TJ instantly paused the film, to check the roast, “Ohh TJ… This is promising.” He said with a pleasured groan as he inspected the food.

“It smells fucking amazing.”

“Ok, so we can break rule number I forget which one, which states that meals are to be eaten at the table, or we can be nice to our missing compatriot and eat at the table, returning to the movie after dinner.”

“Steve has rules?”

“Shit, does he have rules. Actually the meals at the table one is noble. It gives him and me a chance to talk, a few minutes where we both know the other one isn’t going to be preoccupied with work or troubled thoughts, or whatever. I like rule number whatever.”

“We can obey the precariously numbered rule, I mean, we can honor our missing friends, and celebrate our freedom at the same time. At least we’re not tied to ‘state dinners’ for the duration of their adventure.”

“Oh god, right?”

“I hate to break it to you, pal, but one day you’ll be at a state dinner. My mother will insist.”

“Please, kill me before it happens.” Bucky dished up a hearty serving of roast beef, potatoes and carrots. “Please.”

TJ laughed, “Oh no. I’ll be right there by your side, celebrating you and your freedom.”

“That’s not freedom. That, TJ, is tyranny.”

TJ laughed hard enough that his mostly recovered ribs squawked back at him slightly. “I agree 100% 1000% if it were possible.”

Bucky set the plates on the table and returned to the kitchen for the pitcher of water, glasses and utensils.

“Next time, remind me and I’ll set the table.” TJ offered, “Since I was being a complete waste of space over on the couch.”

“You’re fine. I’ll take you up on it for the next meal though.”

They ate and talked, about the trio in Gilboa and what they were doing in addition to formal affairs. TJ talked more about how he’d dug into his therapy and Bucky asked him about the songwriting.

“Simon’s pretty cool. In the two weeks I’ve been working with him, we really never butted heads until last night. We were just _not_ in sync with each other, but this morning early, I got up and started messing around, I recorded it and when I sent it to him on the drive over, he flipped. I guess I finally figured out what he was trying to tell me. He wasn’t ever really pissed last night, he was just frustrated. “I think we need to call it a night” was code for ‘get the fuck out before I deck you, you thickheaded bastard’.” TJ laughed.

“Well, artists can be temperamental. It’s not cliché for no reason.” Bucky laughed. “Are you… Temperamental?”

“Hell yeah.” TJ scoffed. “I am. Tell me about the bookstore. Jack’s in love with the place. I _promise you_ he’s not hitting on you coming by so much.”

“I never imagined he was, but yeah, he’s a regular now. It’s a nice space. I’m halfway through a project only Janie and the owner know about. We’re going to put up a coffee counter on the side porch. I’m cleaning up the space, fixing up the furniture that’s out there, and there’s going to be a little place for coffee, the owner is considering opening up the patio to walk-up customers, to alleviate any awkward lines in the store.”

“So you’ll be a shopkeeper and a barista?”

“No, that’s a whole new job. You looking for part-time?” Bucky smiled.

“Damn, this is good Bucky.” TJ said, taking another big bite of the roast, “and no, I don’t do servitude, remember?”

They both laughed, and quietly finished their meal. TJ gathered their dishes as Bucky sat back in his chair, “I like your kitchen, it’s so much more spacious than Janie’s. The dining set is quaint.”

“Sam.” Bucky said, watching TJ rinse dishes. “You can leave those TJ.”

“Nah, between living in a tiny kitchen and a mom who always washed dishes by hand when she had the time, it’s pretty much ingrained. Besides, you cooked. Damned good food too. The least I can do is wash a couple of plates.”

Bucky rose and went into the kitchen behind TJ, he looked into the small roasting pan, “well, if we get hungry later, and you can stand a sandwich, we can have a decent roast beef sandwich for a snack.”

“Ooh, just the right amount of mustard, unless you’ve got horseradish.”

“One better, a Dijon horsey-aioli.”

“Fancy.” TJ teased.

“It’s good.” Bucky promised. “I told you, I like being in the kitchen.”

“Creating things.” TJ said softly.

“Yeah, creating, fixing. The opposite of the other.”

TJ pretended not to see the darkness that crossed Bucky’s features, a practice he occasionally used with Jack. “I’d like to learn a thing or two, Jack dusts me in the kitchen. I guess his dad used to cook, he learned a thing or two before he started to pretend not to be interested. It’d be cool to surprise him with something I created that wasn’t musical.”

“Anytime TJ.” Bucky answered, relieved that there was no “I’m sorry” or “are you ok” following his momentary lapse. “I mean it, either you figure out a dish you want to learn, or tell me how involved you’re willing to get in a meal prep.”

“Ok, I might wind up calling you and asking you for suggestions.” TJ wiped his hands on a dry towel, “Movie time.”

“Movie time. Another soda? It’s been a while.”

“Sure, whatever you’re having. I’ll have to do extra time at the gym if you keep feeding me like this.” TJ backed up the video to the beginning of the scene they’d paused, “Don’t mind me, it’s a habit I have.”

“I haven’t even mentioned the pie. You’re going to want pie later, right? As for the movie thing, I might start doing it too.” Bucky said, “short term memory.” He winked.

“Really? and yes, a thousand times yes to pie. I don’t even care what kind.”

“Only sometimes.” Bucky admitted. “More movie, we can talk about my memory laspes another time.” Bucky handed TJ the soda and sat down next to him, pulling a blanket over his left shoulder.

“You can turn the air down, or off, if you’re having pains from the a/c.” TJ said before popping a handful of popcorn into his mouth. “I’m comfortable.”

“Means I have to get up again.” Bucky said. “I’m fine.”

TJ paused the movie again and crossed the space to the thermostat, “2, 3, or 5 degrees? Or more?”

“5 if you can take it, 3 if you think that’s too much.”

“We’ll do 5. Bucky its your home, you should be comfortable in it.”

“I am mostly, but the damned vent and sofa are in the same place. All of the electrical is on that wall.”

“Well, I’m no shrinking violet, and I won’t wilt from an increase of 5 degrees. It should keep the fan from kicking on for a little bit. I know a little about pain, coming off that injury, and cold doesn’t feel good. Trade me spots. Or are you committed to that particular space?”

“Do you do this for everyone? Were you raised to just capitulate to anyone?”

“I guess I was. Southern hospitality and all that. I can’t see the harm in making sure you’re not in too much discomfort.”

“It’s an old injury TJ.”

“Trade me spots. You’re not talking about just some residual pain, the science behind that arm, and your full use of it, suggests some pretty weird and amazing mechanics. That has to sometimes be painful. Fuck being a host and just be my friend Bucky. Whine a little about the pain, tell me it hurts like a bitch.”

“Fine, it hurt like a bitch under the air vent.” Bucky admitted, “You’re something else TJ.”

“Why? I just can’t see the point of suffering in silence.”

“Thanks TJ.” Bucky guessed he’d just have to get used to the no-bullshit honesty. “Start the movie, I’m done being a diva.”

TJ laughed, “I can’t imagine you being a diva ever. I can tell you a diva would _never_ suffer in silence.” He turned the movie back to the start of the scene again and pressed play.

After the second movie ended, TJ started a game, “You play?”

“I’ve done a little, Sam’s been introducing me to the world of gaming. I’m ashamed to say I play for shit.”

“If you hustle me, I have to warn you, the Prince is the breadwinner right now and I’m not exactly your best mark.”

“I’m not trying to hustle anyone. I’m just warning you that in this instance I definitely will _not_ be a formidable opponent.”

“Oh, ok. I’ll dumb it down then. I had to for Jack for a while, at least on some games. I have a feeling you’ll smoke me too.”

“Dumb it down? Seriously? You’re a punk.”

“You said you played for shit, I thought you wanted a little head start.” TJ chuckled.

“How about I give _you_ a head start?” Bucky laughed.

“What? Out the door?” TJ laughed with Bucky, tossing him the second controller. “I saw Star Wars on your list. Tomorrow?”

“All seven?”

“It’s just thirteen-plus hours. We could order pizza, since you made such a stellar roast today, I can buy pizza tomorrow.”

“It does sound fun.” Bucky considered. “If you don’t mind staying another day.”

“Well, I’ll already be here, so why not? If you wouldn’t mind too much, I could stay til Monday morning. I could head to Simon’s from here.”

“TJ, if you’re doing this because I don’t want to be alone and you’re being nice, you don’t have to.”

“I was just thinking if we sleep in, get started after breakfast, we’ll be finishing up a little late, it would be nice to not spend an hour crossing the city. I’m not nice Bucky.” TJ said assuredly.

“You’re lying, but everything else you said _does_ make sense.”

TJ apologized as he answered the video call, “It’s Jack. Maybe Janie’s nearby. Hey baby.”

> “Hi Kitten.” Jack smirked at TJ’s blush, “Are you at Bucky’s place?”
> 
> “Yeah, we’re watching movies and I think I ate food to rival anything you’ve had while you’ve been gone, Bucky’s a better chef than the royal chefs of Gilboa.”
> 
> “I’m officially jealous of all of that. I can’t wait to get home, the food isn’t worth being away.”
> 
> “Homesick?”
> 
> “So very.” Jack said tiredly.
> 
> “You’re up late, you should go to bed baby.”
> 
> “I wanted to catch up with you first.”
> 
> “I’m here through tomorrow night. We’re watching Star Wars tomorrow.”
> 
> “All seven?” Jack asked.
> 
> “All seven. I’m excited. Hi Janes!”
> 
> “Hey Teej.”
> 
> TJ motioned for Bucky to come closer, “Go ahead, say ‘hi’.
> 
> “Hi Janie.” Bucky said with an unbidden blush.
> 
> “Bucky, Hi.” Janie flushed too, smiling.
> 
> “Having fun?” Bucky asked.
> 
> “So much, but I’m so ready for it to be done.”
> 
> “You look beautiful.” Bucky said, smiling when she crinkled her nose and started to argue. “No, it’s true. I’m sure you were an unintentional highlight.”
> 
> “You’re a charmer Barnes.” Janie said bashfully. “Let’s let these boys get back to their own mush so that Jack will go to bed.”
> 
> “I can’t wait to hear all about your trip. Call me when you land.”
> 
> “Ok. Talk soon.” Janie waved.
> 
> TJ smiled as Jack kissed Janie good night. “So, you guys behaving yourselves?”
> 
> “Not in the slightest.” Jack smirked. “Steve and Janie actually caused quite a ruckus tonight, dancing. Janie’s been teaching him a few things, drawing on his fighting moves to show him the ropes. Not too shabby. It’s a shame a guy with his grace missed out on the best dance era of the century.”
> 
> “Too stupid.” Bucky said fondly. “I mean romantic.”
> 
> The three laughed. “So, we’re flying home Monday, meaning we’ll get in kind of late. Send a car?” Jack asked.
> 
> “Yup, I’ll get it arranged, send me your flight information again, just in case. Did you spend any time with my mom?”
> 
> “Yeah,  actually, I did. She said you haven’t checked in, I told her you were fine, just busy.”
> 
> “All true. I’m ducking my dad’s calls still, that’s shitty right? I think I’ll call him Monday while I’m riding to Simon’s.”
> 
> “If you’re up to it. Remember, all conversations with people are on your terms, according to your own therapist.”
> 
> “You know, I miss him. I know he’s said some shit, but I do miss him. I think my terms can loosen up for a morning commute conversation. The penthouse is busy until Wednesday. Did you want a hotel, or just to wait a day?”
> 
> “Let’s just wait til Wednesday. You’ll be busy Tuesday, with therapy and Simon. Wednesday night is fine. Did you talk to Simon about a long weekend?”
> 
> “I did, great minds think alike. I figured Thursday through Sunday, back to work and the daily grind Monday. How does your boss feel about it?”
> 
> TJ heard Bucky scoff and smiled.
> 
> “My boss already okayed my two weeks. A week from Monday will be my first day back.”
> 
> “Ok, well, you sound so tired, I know you’re fighting sleep. Go to bed. If you want to call in the morning (my morning), that would be best.”
> 
> “I know, you’re cheating on me with Han Solo.”
> 
> “and Poe Dameron.” TJ corrected.
> 
> “Yeah, you didn’t let me finish.” Jack smiled. “I love you kitten. Have fun, sweetheart.”
> 
> “Sleep well. I miss you.”
> 
> “Soon, Kitten.” Jack said, stretching and yawning.
> 
> “Good night my love.” TJ said softly as the call ended. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. We’re hopeless.”

“Kitten?” Bucky smirked.

“It was supposed to be private, but he’s an ass.”

“You like it. Nothing wrong with it. I was just busting your chops because I saw you blush.”

“Jerk.” TJ laughed. “I saw how smitten you and Janie were acting. Just tell her you love her already. You’re trying so hard not to.”

“Play, Hammond.” Bucky said.

“Story of my life.” TJ laughed. “Be prepared, newb.”

TJ was enjoying the fact that he was able to make Bucky curse and laugh. He had only basic knowledge of what the man had been through but even that was an atrocity. To sit next to his childhood idol (he’d make sure not to refer to him as that to his face after Bucky’s earlier confession), and interact with him as a peer was mind-boggling, and it was a pure joy.

Bucky watched TJ’s tricks, and started picking up on the game’s subtleties. Playing with TJ was more about the game and less about being competitive for the sake of competition, like it was with Sam. Sam treated Bucky differently for a myriad of reasons. TJ treated him like a equal, never experiencing anything other than kindness from Bucky. It was easy with TJ because he didn’t feel like he had to make things up to him constantly.

“Hey. I’m getting hungry and could use a little break from all the flashes on the screen, can we call it? We can save this for another time.”

“I’m starving, roast beef sandwiches sound sooo good. Are you up for another movie?”

“Yeah let’s find something a little bit mellow. All the stimulation won’t make for much peace tonight.”

“I know just the thing. It’s a nice, pretty little movie.”

“I trust you TJ. Do you want anything else besides a sandwich?”

“You mentioned pie. We never got around to it, so maybe I can get that ready while you build sandwiches?”

“Perfect. I think sandwiches qualify for movie food, not dinner table food. What do you think?”

“I think I like the way you think.” TJ grinned, selecting the movie and getting it ready to go before following Bucky into the kitchen. “Can I be nosy in your kitchen for a minute? I do know how to make something and I think you’ll be glad I did once the movie gets going.”

“Help yourself, I told you to make yourself comfortable TJ.”

“Ok, you’re right, but I didn’t want to appear _too comfortable_.” TJ rooted the cupboards and refrigerator, finding everything he needed. He added cocoa, cinnamon, sugar, and milk to the saucepan, heating it while Bucky sliced the roast for sandwiches. Bucky surprised TJ with a very rustic looking loaf of bread. “You made that?”

“I did. Do you want to learn to make bread? We could do that tomorrow too. We can start it at breakfast. It makes itself after we get it to dough form, the making itself part takes forever, but we’ll be preoccupied and not notice the time.”

“Sure, if you want.” TJ shrugged, maybe a little more excited than one should be over bread.

Bucky poked his nose around TJ’s shoulder, “Not hot chocolate? TJ? You’ve got to move in now.”

“No.” TJ laughed, “I’m already one too many roommates across town. I’ll happily make it every time I come by.” TJ stirred the chocolate sludge around the pan some more, watching it warm, watching the consistency change before adding a mix of half and half and milk. He stirred and warmed it further, adding vanilla at the very last.

“I guess that’ll have to do.” Bucky smiled, pulling out two mugs and handing them to TJ. He watched as TJ poured the rich chocolate beverage into the mugs.

“The pie should be warm too.” TJ said as he handed Bucky a mug.

“let’s leave it in the warm oven until we’ve had our sandwiches, we can pause the movie at the beginning of a scene.” Bucky teased TJ.

“You like the idea, you already said as much.” TJ defended his practice.

They ate their sandwiches and watched _Chocolat_ in the dimly lit room. TJ paused it for a food reboot, taking the plates from their sandwiches and dishing up two slices of pie onto the same plates. “What do you think so far? Is it the right kind of movie?”

“I think I was right to trust you. It’s just the thing to wind down from all of the stimulation. I should be ok tonight, but if I do wake you, I want to apologize in advance. What you said about Jack and his nightmares, use the most extreme caution with me. I honestly don’t want to hurt you TJ.”

“Ok, caution. I can do that. How about I also hope for tonight to be nightmare-free?”

“That’s ideal. I would love that.” Bucky said earnestly. “I hope the lights won’t be an issue?”

“No, we keep a light on most of the time, just because one of us isn’t home, either me, since I started working with Simon, or Janie if she’s out with you. Even on the nights she sleeps over, we keep a light on in case.”

“Just not because anyone’s afraid of the dark.”

“I think you’re wary of the dark, and that’s a different thing. Bad things have happened to you in the dark. It’s really ok. Honestly? I haven’t asked Jack if he’s afraid of the dark or not, but he’s usually the one turning a light on. I don’t ask because it doesn’t matter to me. I imagine all the things he’s seen, all the things you’ve seen, you’re entitled a little concern over a situation where your senses are challenged.”

TJ handed Bucky a warm slice of pie and sat down next to him, “Thanks for inviting me and for letting me stay the whole weekend. I was really starting to hate being alone.”

“You’re not just saying that because I admitted I have trouble being alone?”

“Nope. I’m saying it because when I have too much time alone, I start having destructive thoughts, so any time you are unsure or unwilling to be alone, please don’t hesitate. You can come by, or call me to come over. If I’m working, I can always come by afterward.”

“Same applies.” Bucky offered, “It’s a pact now. Neither of us can go back on it, including the part where we agreed to reach out when we are alone.”

“Yup. A pact.” TJ agreed, “which also means neither of us can say “I’m sorry for this” when it happens.”

“Exactly.” Bucky smiled. “By the way, in the interest of honesty, I didn’t make the pie. Steve’s been visiting the diner and taking Millie out on dates. He brings home pie a lot.”

“I think the boy has the wrong idea about pie.”

“I think he’s just being Steve.” Bucky said, trying not to laugh. “He’s actually being a nice guy. He feels guilty for monopolizing her time when he’s there, even though he’s buying food the whole time, so he almost always gets a pie to go. Millie brought this particular pie over yesterday because she knew I was home alone. She’s warming up his best friend.”

“Ok, so I’m a jerk. I’ve admitted that before. She sounds nice.”

“She is. You’re also funny TJ.”

“As in yes, TJ you’re a jerk, but you’re a funny one.”

“Something to that effect.” Bucky agreed, silencing himself with a bite of pie.

TJ resumed the movie, feeling very much at home with a full belly and warm, friendly teasing. He woke up at the end credits. He looked at Bucky, who had covered up with a blanket somewhere in the middle of the movie. He was half-covered and sleeping against TJ’s shoulder.

TJ used caution, gently touching Bucky’s shoulder. “Bucky, you should go to bed.”

Bucky squinted into the near-darkness, recognizing the light coming from the stove and the bathroom, and recognizing TJ’s voice. “I can’t believe I fell asleep, I was enjoying that.” He yawned.

“Now you know it’s mellow enough to put you to sleep, but good enough to watch when you’re not tired. I’m going to go to bed now. Do you get up naturally or to an alarm?”

“Tomorrow I’m planning to do it naturally usually it’s Steve’s alarm, so we can follow a routine. I like it, but I’ve taken the weekend off.”

“Ok, can you wake me when you’re up, unless you get up before the sun for some reason.”

“Only if a nightmare or insomnia decide to torment me.”

“If you have a nightmare and need anything, remember our pact, I think it applies.” TJ said, folding the blanket he’d pulled across his legs at some point.

“Ok. Thank you TJ.”

“Good night Bucky. Have a peaceful sleep.”

“You too TJ.”


	53. Chapter 53

TJ woke up to some kind of sound in the night, he sat up and listened, keeping alert for sounds of distress from Bucky. When everything appeared quiet, he lay back down and rubbed his eyes. He reached for his phone and opened the message app. He quickly sent Jack an “I miss you. I love you.” message and fell back to sleep.

Bucky woke himself up with his scream. He sat in the middle of his bed, looking around the room, the light from the outer rooms peeked through his partially opened door. He scratched his jaw and lay back against the pillows. He listened, hoping he hadn’t disturbed TJ, and breathed a sigh of relief at the reminder that TJ was just a room away. He fell asleep within an hour of waking, an improvement over some nights.

When TJ woke again, there was light coming in through the bedroom window, it was a soft, bluish-gray light from the west-facing window. TJ yawned and stretched, reaching for his phone. He found a response to his late-night text. “You should be sleeping. I love you too. Soon Kitten.”

TJ walked around the room, finding a pile of warm, soft sweats and a t-shirt on the edge of the dresser. Even though it was warming up outside, it was still cool inside, even with the temperature raised five degrees. TJ changed into the clothes, then wandered out of the room, into the bathroom. He smelled something cooking and heard soft music playing. He wasn’t awake enough to pay attention to figure out what it was. Half-asleep, TJ took care of his morning routine, splashing cold water on his face just before he left the bathroom.

“Mornin’ Coffee’s hot.” He heard. “You deserve it for putting up with me.”

“I didn’t put up with anything.” TJ yawned. “Was that you? I heard something, then I didn’t. I thought maybe it was outside.”

“It was me. Sorry. Woke myself too, if it’s any consolation.”

“I don’t recognize the music.” TJ said after a satisfying hit from the really good brew, “It’s good, what is it?”

“Some original stuff by this kid Tyler. You met him, I guess. He worked for some guy, the one who offered you the job but wanted your rights?”

“Oakson. Tyler, ok – yeah. This him? He’s good.”

“I’m supposed to stop by one of these days and maybe pick up a guitar. I’d like some practice first though, you know? It’s been years.”

“I have one. I can have mom send it over. You’re welcome to it, I never had the patience. Piano’s always just been easier. Wait, you play? That’s so cool.”

“Like I said, _years…_ ”

“Come by one of these days and we’ll see what we can do together, I promise, no judgment. By the way, this coffee is fantastic.”

“Thanks, first cup of the morning usually is though.” Bucky said with a shy smile.

“Yeah, it’s usually _welcome_ , but it’s not always _good_. This is better than good.”

“Right beans, right roast, right treatment in the press. It’s nice to have nice things. So, are you ready for this bread thing?”

“Sure, if breakfast is in the cards too. Otherwise, I might just let you do it.”

“Breakfast is in the oven. Should be ready in just enough time for us to prepare the dough.”

“Ok, _we_ shall prepare the dough. After _you_ tell me how to do it.”

Bucky talked TJ through the process, explaining the simplicity and ironic complexity involving yeast. “Don’t worry, it’s not as difficult as it sounds, it’s all about feeding the yeast and not killing it, so your temperature needs to be right. That’s the hardest part. Barely warm.”

TJ found Bucky’s instructions soothing as he followed along, taking smaller and smaller drinks from his coffee cup. He found the process of bread making almost as soothing as Bucky’s kind guidance. They both got their dough ready to start rising just as the oven timer went off. “You have this timing thing figured out.” TJ said, surprised.

“It’s nice to put skills to use for things like this, instead of the alternative.” Bucky actually smiled.

“I can’t wait to see what happens with that blob.” TJ teased. “and I can’t wait to dig into whatever I’ve been smelling for the past 40 minutes.”

“Just a humble breakfast casserole. There’s some fruit in the fridge, anything else you can think of, help yourself.”

TJ set the table as promised the day before, putting fruit in bowls for each of them. Bucky carried the casserole to the table, “did you need more coffee?”

“If you’ve got it, I’ll take some more. If you only have enough for one, you take it.”

“What, are you trying to be more hospitable than me now, Hammond?”

“I was just being respectful of my elders, Grandpa Barnes.”

“Spoiled upstart.” Bucky laughed. “There’s plenty for both. I saw you take cream and sugar?”

“Yes please.” TJ answered instead of offering to get it himself. Don’t try to be more hospitable than your host, especially right after he calls you on it. “So, are we still on for a Star Wars marathon, or do you want to get rid of me early?”

“Can I just say, “please don’t leave me alone”?”

“You can. I’m kind of glad, because I could have just said “I don’t want to be a nuisance but I don’t want to go home alone.”

“You could have.” Bucky agreed, setting TJ’s coffee in front of him. “I’m looking forward to the Star Wars marathon, Steve’s seen them, so we always pick things neither of us have watched yet.”

“Great. I’m excited too. One of my favorites.”

“I hear things about which order to watch them in…”

“None of them are right or wrong. It’s all preference and spoiler based. What do you _know_ about the series?”

“Basic internet knowledge, I think I’ve been spoiled just trying to figure out viewing order for myself. Sam was giving me insight, Janie gave me an alternate order.”

“I know Janie’s “release order” biased. Sam’s either “episode order” or “machete order”. I’m leaning toward “machete order for Sam.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“So you say you’ve been spoiled, what do you know?” TJ wasn’t going to add to the spoilers, so he asked Bucky for his understanding so far.

“I know that Vader is Luke’s father – apparently a spoiler I was supposed to miss watching Janie’s way.”

“I’d still suggest, as a new viewer, to do it release order. I say that because, although I really am a fan, the first three are gold standard.”

“I’d read that the prequels have a more mixed acceptance.”

“Yeah, so get hooked on the good ones, and you’ll want to watch the prequels to gain further knowledge. Like I said, it’s a preference.”

“I’m inclined to trust you and Janie, Sam’s always trying to gum shit up.”

“I hear the animosity between you two, but your face tells a different story. He amuses you.”

“He does. He’s always going to get a pass, he helped me, he’s a great friend to Steve. I couldn’t ask for more from a person. If he likes to get digs in, I’ll let him. I’ve earned it.” Bucky said with a smile.

“If you’re done, I can do the dishes.” TJ stood up, gathering his own dishware. Bucky nodded, and TJ took his, stacking it with his own.

“You make a decent roommate TJ.” Bucky said, leaning back against the chair’s back, sipping his coffee.

“Practice.” TJ smiled, “It’s relatively new, and I live with two people. Jack’s really neat. I mean ‘make the bed’ neat. I tend to leave the covers turned down, they’re just going to get used again, you know?”

“But you make exceptions.”

“Or let him do it. I do clean up a little more after myself. I’m kind of used to housekeepers. I’m afraid we’ll hire one again when we move, but we haven’t discussed it.”

“Would it be so bad?”

“Do _you_ want someone coming in here and cleaning up after you?”

“Hell no.” Bucky admitted, “But you just said you’re used to it.”

“I’m also used to paparazzi, lying press, being high and/or drunk, and those are all things I’m trying to not be used to.”

“True. Well, there’s a once-a-week thing? Or you can talk to Jack and just say you don’t want it, and you two are doing fine keeping things clean on your own.”

“True. I do need to remember to _communicate_.”

“Rule One.” Bucky said.

“Official Steve Rogers rules?”

“Yeah, but I think we both created that one. Even if it’s “leave me the fuck alone” it has to be stated.”

“Good plan.” TJ said from the sink.

“Don’t you have a dishwasher TJ? We do.”

“We don’t. I’m getting used to it. Mom loves this activity, it’s not too bad. Besides, I’m almost done.”

“Yeah, true.” Bucky agreed, crossing the kitchen, “They’ll be dry and put away instead of still dirty. It does come in handy for big projects though.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s true.” TJ took Bucky’s coffee cup and set it in the now-empty sink, he finished the last of his coffee, and washed and dried the two mugs. “Ok. Movie time. How’s the bread looking?”

Bucky held the warm damp towel away from the bowl TJ’s dough was in, “Starting to do its thing.”

TJ whistled low, “is that mine?”

Bucky chuckled, “Yup, you did well. It’ll probably even taste decent.”

“Ha ha.” TJ mocked. “So, you’ll let me know what’s next.”

“Yeah, midway through the first movie, we’ll need to pause it.”

“I’ll leave you to man the remote then.” TJ said, crossing the space into the living room. “I know we just ate, it’ll be hours before we’re hungry again, but just tell me when and I’ll order pizza.”

“Yup, I’m looking forward to it.” Bucky said, sitting next to TJ on the sofa, “Water?”

“Thanks.” TJ took the bottle and they settled into watching the first of the seven movies.

TJ enjoyed watching with someone who hadn’t seen them before, even though he’d seen spoilers, Bucky was engaged in the film, talking animatedly about what they’d seen while the movie was paused and they kneaded their bread-dough for the second time. Peppering in knowledge of the bread-making as well.

“Just like viewing order is a matter of preference, I’ve seen debates on how many times to knead and let the dough rise, I’ve had good results this way, so I’m showing you what works for me. These are going to be your traditional loaves. One of these days we’ll branch out, making some rustic breads, and even adding herbs to the dough, if you’d like.”

“I would love that.” TJ said honestly. “You’d better be serious.”

“I’m serious TJ.” Bucky said, “I’m not backing out on anything I said yesterday, you can come by any time, I look forward to showing you some more cooking tips, and I make bread at least twice a week, so you can come on Sundays or Wednesdays and we’ll try different types of bread.”

“Ok. I’m going to take you up on it. I’m not used to people actually following through, I’m sorry I lumped you in with them.”

“As you should be. That looks great.” Bucky said peering under the cover at the newly covered dough.

“Thanks, you’re a good instructor.” TJ said, washing his hands, “Do you love the smell of the yeast dough? I can’t get enough.”

“It just gets better. Just wait until we pull one of these loaves out of the oven a little later. I should have made a pizza crust too, we could have made our own.”

“Next time. You cooked enough for us for this weekend.” TJ peered into the refrigerator and pulled out the remaining wrapped piece of roast from the day before. He unwrapped it and pulled a bit off of the chunk, popping it into his mouth, then handing it to Bucky.

“Mmm. It’s still so good, even cold.” Bucky said, wrapping the rest back up and handing it to TJ. “If I do say so myself.”

TJ put the rest back into the fridge, “I should apologize.”

“Don’t you dare, I said make yourself comfortable. Let’s get back to the movie.”

TJ laughed at Bucky’s expression, one of exasperation and humor, and followed him back to the sofa, “you’re right. I just can’t not be a little too polite. If my mom didn’t have my head, my Nana would. “respect your elders” and all that.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, “Is that another grandpa joke? If that’s another grandpa joke…”

“No, it’s not.” TJ laughed, “I just added that last bit. I really just meant it’s been drilled into me from a very young age to be respectful, grateful, and apologize, a lot.”

“Not here. If you don’t wrong me, you don’t need to apologize. These days, apologies for random shit just doesn’t make sense. I hear “I’m sorry” so much at work and from Janie. What did everyone do to be so filled with remorse over daily life? If you’re all so sorry for existing, what’s left for me?”

“Wow, true. I hear it and say it a lot more than I was aware. It’s going to take some real effort, but I resolve to do better, maybe I should ask my therapist what that means.”

Bucky laughed,  “I didn’t mean to sideline you.”

“He apologized for talking about people apologizing.” TJ said in his best ‘narrator’s voice’ and they both laughed. “Movie.”

“Movie.” Bucky agreed. “Hey, I forgot to grab a soda, you want one? Just keep it going – I can see and hear for this.”

“Yes please, cola. I don’t think I’ve hit my caffeine limit yet.”

“OK.” Bucky chuckled, “How about double-caff?”

“Do you?” TJ asked with amazement.

“I do, and it’s my favorite – I only share with my true friends.” Bucky answered as he handed TJ the bottle.

TJ looked over the label, “local, like the rest.” He took a swig, “and good. Damn. Thanks Bucky.”

“Only the best.” Bucky smirked. “I need to get more of that. That plus a couple cups of coffee right off the bat almost has an impact. I am always “just trying to get enough caffeine to get started”.”

TJ nodded, he’d have to tell Steve that the clone theory was bogus, because the samples they’d have had to use would have been enhanced, and resistant to things like drugs and alcohol.

Bucky paused the movie, “TJ? You ok?”

“Did Steve tell you about our ‘clone’ conversation? It was all humor and stuff, or at least I thought it was. That guy I’m working with? Simon? He could be Steve’s double, body and all. His hair’s a little darker, cute-ass, awkward fucker has an adorable beard too. So I had to go and get dramatic and dream up Hydra trying to clone you – leading to broken and dysfunctional Jack and me, and adorably awkward Simon Carter.”

“He did. He didn’t seem as amused as you imply. I wasn’t either – TJ. I don’t want to frighten you, but Hydra – they’re capable of some nasty shit. Genetic experimentation is _very old_ and cloning? I don’t put anything past them.”

“Well, wouldn’t stuff like drug resistance play into it instead of the exact _opposite?_ ”

“I don’t know. I’m full of useless information, but that kind of genetic stuff wasn’t anything I needed to know. I think he’s looking into it, to be honest. He said something that made me feel kind of, I don’t know, wistful, I guess.”

“The family thing?”

“Yeah. If anything had to come out of their evil, TJ. If that’s what’s happened? I’d be proud to call you family. Hell, you’ve already adopted me anyway. I feel… blessed.”

“Shit Bucky.” TJ said, his face contorted to try and control emotions that were overwhelming. “I’m… Wow. OK, I’m sure I confessed what an idiot ‘fan’ I used to be. I can’t believe…”

“TJ, I don’t want a fan, I don’t need that. I do want what we’re building, and I appreciate how you’ve gone to bat for me, to rival only Steve in your unwavering stubbornness.”

“Well, I don’t believe in doing anything half-way. Movie. We need to stop this emotional train wreck.”

“Yeah, it’s a little too…”

“Gay.” TJ smirked.

“I was going to say overpowering.” Bucky said as he pressed play on the remote. “Shut up TJ.”

TJ snickered well into the scene, mostly over Bucky shutting him up in a way that Dougie, Janie, or even Jack hadn’t done. Just lovingly, and exasperated, and humor-filled. Bucky looked over at TJ once and had to look away, rolling his eyes. He was so relieved to have someone around who made just being there feel almost effortless.

Bucky was grateful for the company too, he’d tried to get through the week alone, but wound up calling Steve a couple of times in a panic, or Janie, or even Sam. He’d said he would seek TJ out at the beginning, but had thought TJ would be too busy. Bucky thought about  the pact they’d made the night before, it was such a nice thing to have in his arsenal, a promise that it didn’t matter when or where, he could reach out.

“Shit.” Bucky said, out of the blue. TJ looked over at him with curiosity. “TJ, I’m sorry – I was thinking about something and got completely distracted. Would you mind backing it up?”

“Ah, yeah.” TJ grinned. “Don’t apologize, remember? Hey, happens to me.”

“Ok, thanks.” Bucky said, forcing down the apology again.

TJ laughed, “It’s hard, isn’t it?”

“It’s not easy. I promise I won’t do that again, at least in this movie.”

“Don’t make promises, we’re just a couple of people watching a movie, you can back it up any time you need to. I’ve seen them all enough to know what I’m missing if I zone out. You’re the one who hasn’t seen them yet. Does this look familiar?”

“Jesus TJ. That’s where we paused it.” Bucky chuckled. “Ok, I’ll pay attention.”

TJ chuckled, shoving against Bucky, “you’re such an idiot.”

“Shut up TJ.” Bucky repeated, shaking his head and resolving to watch the movie this time.

Between films, Bucky and TJ put their loaves into the oven, Bucky took them out when they started to smell like bread, and the scent teased him through the remainder of the second movie, until near the end of The Empire Strikes Back, TJ felt his phone vibrate under his thigh. He picked it up to find a message _from Bucky_ that just said “getting hungry”.

TJ tossed the phone the distance of half a couch cushion and it slid into Bucky’s leg. Bucky looked at TJ with a curious expression.

“Dude, seriously? You texted me?”

Bucky laughed, “I know. Dumb, but hey, it worked. Got your attention.”

“News for you pal, so would this.” TJ tapped Bucky on the shoulder, “Hey, getting hungry.”

“I know.” Bucky chuckled. “So, you did say something about Pizza. The smell of fresh bread is getting to me.”

TJ reached for his phone, “Pizza. What would you like on it?”

“Get whatever you typically do. Skip the breadsticks or garlic knots, we’ll make garlic toast on fresh homemade bread while we wait for the pizza.”

“Wow, ok. I have to warn you… I get pineapple on my pizza.”

“Ok.” Was all Bucky said.

“Wow. Great!” TJ laughed. “Jack _hates it_ , Janie’s not a fan, but she won’t cry about it, just picks it off.”

“I’m game.” Bucky went into the kitchen, “when you’re done with that, you have to see your masterpiece TJ.”

“So, honestly… I followed the same recipe as you, followed your instructions, how much of a masterpiece is it?”

“Looks pretty good. Looks and smells like fresh homemade bread. I didn’t say “masterpiece” as a joke. If you want we can cut into one of your loaves and make sure.”

“Well, if we’re making garlic toast anyway, might as well make sure it’s edible.” TJ said, finishing up the order. “Pizza should be here in about 30-40.”

“Good, I guess I can wait that long.”

TJ looked at his kitchen achievement, appreciating the fact that it _looked_ like a loaf of bread. “I suppose I should have been paying attention when you took it out. I didn’t hear a timer.”

“Sorry, bad teacher, I smelled it – it smelled like bread, I mean, toasty and finished. I should have said something so you could be aware. Next time, I promise. Until you get used to it though, set a timer and it should look, feel and sound like this.” Bucky thumped the top lightly with his fingers.

“Ok. I think I’ll be doing the “baking bread” thing with you a few more times before I tackle it on my own, so I’ll hold you to the “next time” thing. Damn, that looks amazing, smells tantalizing too.” TJ couldn’t get over the success. “No wonder you like this.”

“It’s rewarding, and damn near instant. I mean, you have to wait a little but the whole time you’re involved at least somewhat. Either doing, smelling, or the best part, eating.”

“Ah, the part I have to add hours at the gym for.” TJ said, watching Bucky slice the loaf that TJ himself supposedly made, “You sure you didn’t switch mine for something that looks edible?”

“TJ – oh, TJ… you have got to trust me, and yourself. This is your loaf, I promise.”

TJ laughed, watching Bucky melt butter and warm garlic in it, getting hungrier, as if the smell of fresh baked bread wasn’t enough. Bucky coated a couple of thick slices of bread with the fragrant mixture, sprinkling some chopped herbs over the top. “Don’t tell me you grow your own too.” TJ said, indicating the fresh leaves.

“Not yet, but I’m reading about the best way to do it. There’s a small space out on the fire escape I might take advantage of the warm weather. I could put them around the kitchen in the cold weather. It’ll cost less than buying the bundles in the market.”

“Wow, ok, so I was kind of kidding, but actually that would be cool.”

“It would be, it would be nice to keep putting these hands into things that are alive, growing, creative. Everything I can make, or grow, or build is one more step away from the destruction.”

TJ recognized the comment as one that didn’t require a response, instead of words, he put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, supportively, before stepping out of the path to the oven.

“Damn, I’m sorry TJ.”

“Remember the apology rule?” TJ smiled. “Not necessary.”

Bucky put the garlic bread into the oven, shaking his head at his train of thought. “I think it is, I shouldn’t burden you with things like that.”

“Hell Bucky. I think we’re doing the friends thing instead of the fan and his ” _idol_ ” thing. I'm just using that word this once. I don’t want you to feel like talking to me about _anything_ is a burden to me. Whether or not you ever got involved with Janie, I think that conversation the two of us had on the roof that first day sowed the seeds of a friendship apart from Janie, or Steve, or Jack. I think about what you told me all of the time, so if you ever feel like you need someone who isn’t Steve or Sam to confide in, I’m pretty sure that’s what you opened the door for when you gave me advice. I don’t mean I feel obliged to repay you either, I mean, I want to be there.”

Bucky smiled at TJ’s impassioned comment, “Thank you TJ. To have that, after nothing for so long, and from someone not embroiled in my past, that’s going to be a nice addition to the future.”

“So much emotion.” TJ shook his head. “We’re a couple of really messed up dudes.”

“Is it? I mean, I’m still working out all of that, properly placed emotions, what’s normal, what’s not. Is it not normal to… nah, I guess it’s not. But why?”

“Why can’t a couple of guys express themselves? It’s not wrong, it’s just that we’re taught it is. Taught that we’re stronger than that, taught that emotions are for women or for queers. Well, half of the room is queer – but you.”

“But I’m not sexually attracted to the same sex so I can’t have and express emotions.”

“You can have them, as long as you don’t burden anyone with them. Until you crack and have to go to a therapist at hundreds of dollars per visit.”

“Yeah, cos that makes sense.” Bucky scoffed. “TJ, you’re the one that said messed up. Don’t believe it. If I can – coming from another century – if I can embrace expressing myself to someone, and if you’ve already said you’re available to be that someone, then don’t let it be a one-way street. I heard that you nearly slipped, and you didn’t call anyone – including Janie. Times like that when you can’t open up to someone else? Give me a try. Deal?”

“I guess I’ve made worse deals.” TJ said, considering the earnest words. “Yeah. I can do that.”

The buzzer rang after a few quiet minutes, “ok if I get that?” TJ asked. Bucky nodded then pulled the toasty, garlic slices from the oven.

“Man” Bucky heard when TJ opened the door. “Why’d you guys order pizza when this place smells better than the kitchen at work?”

TJ laughed at the petite delivery person, “Not sure, I’m stubborn I guess. Thanks.” He left the girl a generous tip and closed the door with his foot. Bucky grabbed the pizza box from TJ so that TJ could lock the door behind them.

“Whatever she meant, this smells great.” Bucky determined. He set the box on the sofa, then brought the toast and sodas from the kitchen. “Thanks for the pizza TJ.”

“Next.” TJ said as he started the next movie. “You still ok with this plan?”

“I am. I’m still enjoying it. Third movie in, getting some more food in me should get me through another couple of movies.”

The two of them watched the entire set of seven movies, with popcorn and snack breaks, not a lot of deep conversation after lunch, just escapist viewing. Before they watched the final movie, The Force Awakens, TJ stood up, stretching. “I’m going out for a smoke, you wanna join me? Or take the few minutes to regroup from ‘so much company’?”

“Still smokin’, TJ?” Bucky shook his head. “Yeah, I can’t judge, let me grab my shoes. Unless _you_ want the break from me?”

“Nah, just the smoke. I don’t mind your company at all. I’m the one who hasn’t left yet.” TJ smirked as Bucky ducked into his room for his sneakers.

“I can’t get used to having this kind of room, and freedom, and stuff.” Bucky muttered, coming out of his room.

“Stuff?” TJ watched Bucky sit heavily on the sofa, shoes in one hand and socks in the other.

“Yeah, the shit in my room, a bed for fuck’s sake. I bartered for a mattress to make those documents for Jack, and now I have blankets and pillows and sheets? Then there’s about six different pair of shoes? Soft, warm socks and a pair of flexible, lazy-assed shoes? Do you know what it’s like to have to wear combat boots all the goddamned time?”

“Nah, I can’t say that I do. Sounds like these might be better?”

“Yeah. They were difficult to get used to, but I wanted it badly enough.” Bucky said, tugging the laces tight. “No support, but you can just… you don’t have to be… rigid.”

TJ knew that there was a lot in the information Bucky was sharing. Some would be fleshed out in the future, some was face value, and none of it really needed a comment. He did have a question though, “Of all the _shit_ you have now, what’s your favorite thing?”

“The books, and the blankets bar-none. The bed, I’m trying to get to the point where that’s basic, but right now I really appreciate that too. I could say food. The food.” Bucky breathed a contented sigh. “I was scrounging shit up before I was captured, stealing energy bars and buying them when I could, and water and jerky. The first couple of weeks, even up to the first week in this place, Steve had to remind me to eat because I just – I was used to being half-starved.”

“Shit Bucky.” TJ said without thinking. “I mean… yeah I can see why cooking is so beneficial to you.”

“and yes TJ. Shit. It was shitty.” Bucky said, standing up to lead TJ to the roof access. “Follow me.”

TJ followed Bucky quietly, once on the roof, he smiled, “What a view.”

“It’s nice. It’s even nicer at night. Once when we were kids – not too far from here, we used to lay out on the fire escape and we could see stars. You can’t see all that many anymore, too much light, too much everything. I’m all over the place – I’m sorry for that TJ. Sometimes I am a bit scattered.”

“You just told me that because my lover needed to escape his prison, you got a mattress instead of whatever horrible alternative, I think scattered is perfectly acceptable Bucky.”

“I shouldn’t have burdened you with so many truths all at once. I should try harder not to scare my friends away.”

“Bullshit. I’m fine and I’ll hear anything you want to say. I’ll also shut up and not fill the silence if you’d prefer that.” TJ lit a cigarette and then handed one and his lighter to Bucky.

“Yeah? So – I have a question, a favor really. Sometimes I think talking to Steve is over the top. I can share things with him but sometimes I think he’s about to be sick, and it’s not always the topic; sometimes it’s his guilt or his sense of righteousness. If I need somebody else to talk to, can I call you?”

“Of course – I think that’s in the pact. Sometimes you need someone to bounce thoughts off of even if you _do_ have a decent therapist. I’m happy to be one of those people.”

“It wouldn’t endanger your sobriety or anything?”

“No, my waistline maybe, because my price is food.” TJ chuckled as he exhaled smoke. “Fair prices?”

“Sounds reasonable.” Bucky blew smoke out across the evening sky. “I think the past twenty minutes earns you quite a bit.”

“Nah, that’s free. We’re negotiating future discussions. I will take you up on popcorn though. I’ll have to tell Jack your popcorn’s better than his. He’s not going to be happy about that.”

“I’ll happily share my secrets with him.” Bucky said, turning to lean on the rail. “Jesus TJ, I feel bad dragging you down.”

“Tell me something cool then.”

“Cool?”

“Yeah, just something that filled you with awe once.”

“I don’t know if I’m capable of experiencing awe anymore.”

“You came close yesterday.” TJ said with an embarrassed smile.

“Do tell?”

“The inscription in the book.”

“Oh.” Bucky felt a slow smile tug at his lips, he blew out the smoke slowly, “The baby. That did spark a little something. I realized the kid’s just getting your middle name as his first though TJ.”

“I didn’t think of it that way, I don’t think Jack did either. James is definitely named after you.”

“Ok so there’s that, you know? I was on a mission when we landed on the moon.”

“You were?”

“I was supposed to put a stop to it. Something inside made me stop. I stopped _him_ from jeopardizing that event because it was **the moon TJ**. I didn’t fail at missions, but I failed that one.”

“Fucking space nerd.” TJ chuckled. “So it’s safe to say you were awed by that event. You saved people, that’s awe inspiring too.”

“If only I could have fought back more often.”

“I’d say breaking that code even one or two times took heroic strength. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. Oh Bucky? Thanks for screwing up that mission. **The Moon Bucky**.”

“From one ‘fucking space nerd’ to another?”

“Yup. Let’s go make popcorn and finish our fantasy-space-movie marathon.”

Bucky laughed. “What thing will I say that will be ‘the last straw’?”

“Not gonna happen. I’ve seen the reports, I know there’s some deeper shit than I ever need to know, but I’ll listen.”

“Thanks TJ, again.”

“Yup.” TJ said, following Bucky through the door and down the stairs. “Anytime.”

“You might want to take this chance to talk to Jack.” Bucky said as he checked the apartment before letting TJ through the doorway. “While I make popcorn. I know it’s been since yesterday.”

“I sent him a message early this morning.”

“Call your boyfriend TJ.” Bucky said warmly as he headed to the kitchen for popcorn.

TJ recognized the ‘must be military’ automatic sweep of the room. He was surrounded by people who took their personal security more seriously than the president’s secret service. He had to admit, he felt safe with Jack, Sam, and Steve, and he felt inherently secure with Bucky. TJ called Jack as instructed, ducking into Steve’s bedroom for the call.

“Hey Kitten” a sleepy voice met TJ’s ear.

“Hi love, sorry I woke you.”

“You didn’t.”

“You’re lying.” TJ smiled.

“How’s the movie marathon?”

“It’s almost over, one last film. We’ve had a good day. I baked bread this morning. It’s good Jack. Oh, and I might have to proclaim Bucky as the popcorn king.”

“I’m getting dethroned all across the globe.” Jack laughed.

“I feel bad about waking you.” TJ said softly, “Bucky told me to call.”

“Don’t feel bad about waking me, ever. I’m glad you called TJ. I was going to wait a couple more hours in case you called after your movies, but Eli and Janie have worn me out. We’re going to be parents, and I can’t even keep up with a part-time kid.”

“You’ll be fine, and not alone. There’s a couple of places near Steve and Bucky that we could look at by the way. I see why you like the area. I really do too.”

“Sounds great.” Jack said quietly.

“Jack, I’m gonna let you go love.”

“No, don’t. I’m sorry.”

“You have an early flight, rest now in case you can’t on the plane. Don’t wear yourself out on my behalf. I love you, miss you. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

“TJ.” Jack sighed.

“Jack, don’t try arguing. You don’t have the strength. Say goodnight.”

“Night kitten.” Jack said with a tired chuckle.

“I love you. Good night.” TJ smiled as Jack said ‘love you too’ and ended the call. He sat on the edge of the bed, overcome with emotion. Jack was coming home. He’d managed to spend an entire week doing things, making limited and brief contact with Jack. Spending hours working with Simon, and the past two days with Bucky should qualify as opening himself up to the idea of other people, as his therapist wanted him to work on doing.

TJ pushed up from the bed and opened the door to the rest of the apartment, to be greeted by the warm, welcoming smell of popcorn. Bucky was pouring some buttery concoction (TJ knew by now it would be butter PLUS something else) over the fluffy white kernels. “Hey. How’s the gang?”

“I didn’t get much out of him, he was tired. Janie and Eli have run him ragged. If there’s a god, Steve got some of that action too and they’ll both sleep nightmare free.”

“I didn’t think about the time difference. That’s new. Not calculating all probabilities. Thanks for distracting me from that.”

“Really? You actually do that?”

“Cooking helps too, something to focus times and measurements on versus mission parameters, sniper skills, wind-speed, etc.”

“You’ve found the right hobby then, because your instincts for food combinations are great. I told Jack he’s been replaced as popcorn king.” TJ said, taking a handful of popcorn from the bowl Bucky handed him. “He took it well.”

Bucky smiled. “TJ, I have to say, you’re going to be hearing from me a lot. The way you answer or don’t answer things I’ve said… it’s like you have a sixth sense about when to respond and when to redirect the discussion. It’s a gift.”

“I… well, I guess I’ve deflected my own feelings for so long, I have a little clue what’s worthless conversation and what’s meaningful. I guess some of it’s what’s easier for _me_ to say in response too.”

“Whatever it is, half the time I’ve said something to you before I realize it and I brace myself for a comeback that never comes. I’ve almost stopped doing that.”

“I’m glad you don’t feel the sting of judgement when you open up to me, I’m glad that makes you feel that you can.”

“I used to have friends. More than just Steve Rogers. I had friends in Brooklyn, I had friends from Basic, and in Europe. Some could ‘get out of me’ things that were bugging me, some of the time. Until after Zola. I didn’t want to talk about it and those closest to me didn’t want to feel the sting of guilt that it was me and not them. It was an unhealthy, unspoken mutual agreement.”

“You have me, Steve and Sam, Jack and Janie. It’s a start Bucky. You and me, we have the same smallish circle that we’re starting over with. The circumstances behind the reboot might be vastly different, but we’re both kind of starting over. Maybe the common threads are linking us more than the differences could push us apart?”

“Maybe. Enough philosophizing for now, I want to know what comes next.”

TJ smiled, knowing that not only was Bucky redirecting, he was also actually quite eager to get to the end of the series. “Ok, but I’m gonna need pie.”

“You know where it is and how to warm it up.” Bucky replied. “I haven’t seen this before.”

“Damn.” TJ laughed, “Did you want a piece too, your highness?”

“Since you’re up.” Bucky said with a laugh. “Thanks.”

TJ put the pie into the oven, watching Bucky watch the start of the movie. He’d told TJ some heavy things through the course of a short time. TJ wanted to make sure that he was giving each revelation the right amount of consideration. Being a confidant was out of his realm of experience. He really hoped that he was going to be able to do the right things.

Bucky ate popcorn automatically while watching the screen. TJ knew that the show was being catalogued and Bucky would probably quote it to him sooner than he’d been able to annoy any of his friends with the dialogue. He also worried that little things would get under Bucky’s skin. He hadn’t mentioned Luke’s lost hand and TJ hadn’t known whether or not to say anything.

The revelation about the moon mission was amazing, and a heavy weight, and it was one of those things that – if Bucky’s confidence wasn’t more important, would be one of those stories you’d tell _everyone._ I know a guy who almost foiled the moon landing. What in hell’s name did Hydra want with the moon landing? TJ guessed the space race was bigger and badder than even he realized.

TJ didn’t realize he’d been leaning on the counter watching both the movie and Bucky watching the movie until he timer went off. He actually jumped, bumping the plates and sending them crashing to the floor, which made Bucky spring to a defensive pose shockingly close to the kitchen.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry. Oh hell.” TJ stammered, picking up the bigger pieces of broken stoneware. “Bucky I’ll replace them.”

Bucky relaxed at the “I’ll replace them” and was able to piece together that what had ‘threatened’ him wasn’t a threat. “TJ, it’s fine. They’re dishes. Steve’s done it twice and I’ve done it twice times a few. I honestly just need to get the unbreakable plastic nonsense.”

“No, I’m replacing them. Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, scared the shit out of me. What happened?”

“Oh, you know, I’m not fit to be in the kitchen. The timer went off and startled me, snowballing into this.” TJ’s hands were still shaking from the embarrassment.

“Were you hurt? Are you ok?”

TJ shook his head. “I’m fine, my hands – the scare and ongoing embarrassment.”

Bucky pulled out the broom and small hand vacuum and helped TJ clean up.

“I’m so sorry to shock you like that Bucky.” TJ breathed raggedly. “I feel so clumsy.”

“Steve broke two when I had a panic attack and he was startled while carrying two full plates across the kitchen. Once I zoned out and didn’t remember I was holding them and they fell from my hands, also full of food. Another time, I freaked out and started flinging stuff at some unseen foe, to hurl two of them in rapid succession right into Steve’s forehead.”

“You're making that up.” TJ laughed at Bucky’s chuckle.

“Oh I’m not. I have some weird check-out moments. You’re lucky you haven’t seen me get too weird this weekend. They’re not happening as often lately though, so there’s that.”

“It means you’re improving. That’s good. So, have Janie tell me how much a replacement set is, because if it’s a habit, you’re going to need more dishes.” TJ pulled two more small plates from the cupboard and the pie from the oven. Bucky went to the freezer to pull out ice cream. “Ooh, a la mode. Even better.”

“Too lazy to whip cream, we’ll use the frozen variety instead.” Bucky grinned, skillfully scooping two scoops onto each slice.

“That’s Janie’s brand – you mean to tell me she’s got you hooked too?”

“Shit, there’s alcohol in this.”

“Shit, it’s flavor Bucky. I didn’t mean _hooked_.” TJ teased. “I’ve had vodka pasta sauce too. No worries. Thanks for being concerned though.”

“It’s not. Ok. So I’m not as brilliant as I thought. Good pie TJ.” Bucky teased.

“Yeah, that’s a project for another day. Let me get used to bread making first.”

“Deal. Shall we back up the movie to a spot before we both freaked the fuck out?”

“Bucky, you’re embracing the present beautifully with your _modern_ terminology.” TJ chuckled. “Throws me every time.”

“I know, but you learn a lot of shit from the internet. Some of it I could do without.”

“Can’t we all?” TJ commiserated, following Bucky to the sofa. They started the movie back at the beginning, eating popcorn and pie and being comfortable in each other’s company.


	54. Chapter 54

Jack met Janie, Steve, and Elaine Barrish at the air strip. Everyone else had gone ahead, Jack had lingered to say goodbye to Michelle, David and Eli. Eli had clung to his neck before he left and told him he was “Eli’s” and could “not go.” “But I need to go see TJ. I’ll come back. In a few weeks I have to be back for some meetings. Will you help me with my meetings?” It had almost been enough, but when neither David nor Michelle could extricate their son from Jack’s neck, Jack had looked at Michelle mournfully and between the three adults they had managed to silently communicate that the group would go to the air strip instead of just David.

At the air strip Janie tickled Eli and told him he was a very dedicated kid.

“Yanie, Send my unca Jack back for our meedings. Okay?”

“Eli – I will do that. Jack, send me your meeting schedule so I can send you back to the little prince when it’s time.”

Jack looked at Steve who was smirking at Janie’s haughty air, and then at Janie before stooping down to Eli. “I’m going to remember. Will you remember something for me?”

“Yass.” The precocious toddler nodded once, sharply. His blonde curls bounced all around his head.

“Remember to ask your momma and your daddy very politely, and if they say yes, would you also remember to call me?”

“On da videyo?”

“Yes.” Jack nodded emphatically. “Definitely on the video. But only when your parents say it’s ok.”

“Okay.” Eli took the two fingers that were perpetually in his mouth out, put both arms tightly around Jack’s neck when he pulled the child into a hug.

“I’m gonna miss your wake-up calls. Keep practicing those with your mom. Make messes, but sometimes help clean them up too, and always listen to your dad. Your dad knows a lot of good shit. I mean things.” Jack said, hugging the fresh, warm little person who clung to him.

Michelle hugged her brother around her son before peeling him off of Jack, “You keep in touch between now and your ‘meetings’ and make sure you bring TJ back with you next time.”

“I plan to. If they’re not done with the initial writing phase by then, I’m going to suggest a little break for a fresh approach. Congrats Your Highness. You’ll do great things.” Jack pulled Michelle back into a hug, risking being clung to again by the monkey. He waved sadly as she retreated to the car with Eli, leaving David for parting words.

“Jack.” David looked lost, full of unspoken emotions, and uncomfortable.

“David, don’t stress. You’ll get enough of that rebuilding the future here. Take care of them so that they’re as happy when I come back as they are now. I’m glad we had a chance to get to know each other better. Sorry I remember some of your drunk confessions. I won’t bring them up too often.”

David rolled his eyes, looking to the sky before back at Jack with a smile. “I remember them too. I am grateful to you. She seems like she didn’t doubt and stress about things, including your intentions, but she did. Thank you for making it easy for her.”

“For both of you, Your Highness.”

“You are loving the ironic use of the title, a little too much.”

“I’m not, I respect you David. Your strength of character, your apparent inability to be corrupted. Things that my family, and the country need and deserve. I think in time our relationship can only improve.”

Janie turned away at their hug, to wipe her eyes without being noticed, but was met by the smug smirk on Steve’s face. “Shut up Steve.” Janie sniffed.

“I didn’t say a word.” He silently chuckled. “You ever doubt him?”

“Jack? No. He was sunburned and terrified and broken when TJ brought him to my door. He looked panicked and undernourished, but never like a threat to an entire country. The things Jack did in his past had been long left behind him by the time he escaped. You?”

“No. I’ve seen the face of evil, and even though Jack’s literal face is so much like Bucky’s that’s not a blind spot. Jack was wrong. He wasn’t evil or irredeemable. When I met him, I’d say he’d been scared to death, and was working to try and redeem himself. Now he appears to be a man with new direction. A purpose beyond redemption.”

“It’s a healthy place to be. He’s been really getting into his therapy. TJ too. They’re leaving me, I think.”

“Moving out isn’t leaving Janie. Just think, you’ll have more places to visit, more ways to spread your affections. It’s not like the bunch of us doesn’t get along. We could host everyone, they could, and you could. TJ needs to do it, Jack too. You deserve your space too. You’ll have the only place without a roommate to interrupt your dates.”

“Bucky’s that bad huh?” Janie asked mischievously.

“I was thinking more about me interrupting you two all the time.”

“Never. I understand what you’re saying though. It’ll be tough, I talked to TJ not long ago and he said they weren’t going anywhere and then it’s supposedly his idea when they decide to move?”

“It was his idea. He said something to me before – that day he was late coming home. I think it might be good for everyone, including TJ’s recent reluctance to confide in you as his sponsor.”

“Yeah. You’re right. We’ll see each other and stuff.” Janie said quietly, “maybe even more than we have been able to recently.”

“See.” Steve smiled. “You have to be happy though? It means that TJ’s still doing well, and the new stray puppy’s getting his bearings too.”

“Yeah. It’s been so fast. I can’t help but worry, but you're right.”

“Hey you two, why so serious?” Jack put an arm around Janie. “You’re going to miss all the time you could be talking shit about me and TJ to Michelle huh?”

“Yeah. Something like that.” Janie smiled. “Let’s go home.”

…

Jack watched Janie doze on the flight before moving to talk to Steve, “She ok?”

“Misses you two already.” Steve nodded. “It’s ok, she’ll see the blessing in you moving. I mean, she’ll have…”

“I know. We’re all so crowded together, and it’s cozy but maybe not healthy for any of us, and I’d rather move before the baby becomes a stressor in our friendship.”

“Don’t shut her out when it comes to the baby, she’s excited.”

“Steve, I’m not shutting anyone out, trust me, I’ll need her, but she won’t need 3 am feedings and sleepless nights. She thinks this is my doing.”

“She does, well she did. I told her TJ was the one who brought it up, maybe she’ll believe me. I’ve got nothing to gain.”

“Yeah you do, Bucky sleeping away occasionally so you don’t feel like a third wheel.”

“Or so that my date can come up?” Steve smirked. “Yeah, everyone gains from you two shifting places.”

“Something like that. Thanks for coming along, staying the week. I know Michelle would have loved seeing Bucky again. Do you think he’d visit if she came to the states?”

“I think so, it’s the place and the memories, not the people. Not those people.” Steve said quietly.

“You didn’t sleep last night either? Rest, it’s a long flight on a slower plane than you’re used to.” Jack said. He went to sit next to TJ’s mom, who’d gotten his attention while talking to Steve. He knew she would want to ask about TJ. He knew TJ had been out of communication and they’d all been preoccupied by different things so he hadn’t had time to sit with her.

“Ready to go home Jack? Is New York home?”

“It is. Maybe Manhattan, maybe Brooklyn. We haven’t decided.”

“Oh? I thought you were staying with Janie?”

“TJ has had second thoughts. He thinks we’re in Janie’s way, he thinks I need more, and I think, maybe, he simply wants a place that’s ours.”

“It could be better,” Elaine considered.

“It could, or more responsibility, or… But we’ve both been talking with our therapists about moving, and changing things. I think once I’m home, we’re going to start couple’s therapy.”

Elaine’s look turned to concern and Jack stopped her before she could say anything, “Preemptive. Healthy. We want to be sure we have a healthy relationship, so we’re going to start seeing one that both of our therapists have recommended. I’m not sure if we’ll start as soon as I’m home or in a couple of weeks, there was some early scheduling issue that TJ was going to work out.”

“I wasn’t so sure this relationship was a good idea. I wasn’t the best at communicating that either. I hope you don’t think it was personal.”

“It was personal, against TJ. I’m sorry, but everyone kept assigning him a role, and not helping him move beyond it. He did that with Janie’s help alone. Everyone’s first inclination where TJ’s concerned is that he’s going to mess things up. So much so that even now he has doubts. Recently he started doubting his relationship with Janie and has struggled to make decisions to keep clean on his own, to prove something to himself, to you, fuck, to me even. This is as recent as the last couple of weeks which is why he’s bumped up his therapy sessions, to erase that doubt. He’s planning on calling his father today. On the drive from Brooklyn to Manhattan, he’s going to endure God knows what because he’s giving the man another chance.”

“I’m pretty sure Bud’s come around regarding you and your relationship with TJ.”

“Has anyone been coaching him on how best to communicate with his son? It’s not about what he feels about me, it’s what words he chooses to use with TJ. He’s sensitive. If you know TJ at all, you know that, and as good as his father was to protect me at TJ’s request, he’s pretty insensitive. Those last words he spoke to TJ were very hard on him. It’s taken him this many weeks to start to consider calling him.”

“I know. I’ve tried really hard not to say anything to TJ about it, because he needed to be able to make the call his own idea. I wish he’d wait until someone could be there.”

“This is just another thing he feels he needs to do for himself. I know he’ll be with his therapist after he call, I think he planned it that way in case. He’s also promised to call me if it fell apart. He’ll be working with Simon after his therapy appointment too, so he’ll be able to distract himself.”

“All of that responsibility, are you sure he won’t just…”

“Please don’t say blow it all off. I can see it on your face, and hear it in your voice. He’s going to be fine. He’s been absolutely amazing these past few weeks, besides, he’s just coming off a relaxing weekend of bread making and nerdy movies with Bucky, so he’ll be in a great mood when it comes time for the phone call.”

“Sometimes that makes things worse Jack.”

“I’m not going to go there. I have given TJ my trust, and I’m not going to squander it on doubt.” Jack looked at his watch, by this time they’d been in the air for over an hour, TJ would be waking in a few hours to start his day. “So does that mean that you don’t believe Bud’s going to be kind to TJ?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Bud’s unpredictable and so are TJ’s moods.”

“He’s actually doing much better in that regard. It’s not a choice, you know. How he reacts to the moods is a choice. But the moods? The depression and the anxiety? Those aren’t tantrums, those aren’t choices. TJ has various mental  health disorders before you even consider the drug use. The drugs were to quiet the others. He doubts himself, worries that he’s weak, that he’s not as strong or as good as other people, comparing himself to Steve and to Bucky. He’s just starting to imagine that he shouldn’t make comparisons, instead he should look for connections.”

“I hope you’re right. I don’t know about Bud, like I said, he is unpredictable.”

“If he values a future with his son, he’ll toe the line. TJ is offering an olive branch, a very tenuous one. Things against me, the baby, living in New York and his current career path are all deal-breakers. If you think warning him would work, maybe you should try it.”

“I’ll do that. Jack? Do you really have so much faith in him?”

“I do, because he’s had that kind of faith in me. I know how much he wants the things he’s set in motion. He loves this child already and he is adamant he will be more supportive than either of our parents were. I’m sorry, you asked.”

“I know I’ve, we’ve failed our sons on many levels. I’m still figuring out how to make things right. I don’t know if I have what it takes to put so much blind faith in him.”

“He’s your son. How is that hard? I know he’s made mistakes, but have you ever known someone to make the level of mistakes he’s made and work _so hard_ to keep from doing it again? He didn’t run away from home again just to get high. He walked away so he could get well. I’ve never been a parent, but I’m about to be one. I’d like to think that no matter how many times I get knocked down by what James does, I’ll always be able to stand up in time to pick him up.”

“It gets tiresome.”

“So does trying to be someone you’re not. I don’t even mean just gay or straight, but whatever else you expect him to be. It’s tiresome to always know you’ll never measure up to the expectations of your genius, crafty, politically gifted parents and your perfect sibling. It’s tiresome too.”

Jack couldn’t ever say these words to his parents because at the time he didn’t have enough power over his own feelings to embrace the truth, but now, defending TJ, he could damned well say every word, every syllable.

Jack excused himself and went to sit next to Janie. She stirred and lay her head on his shoulder. “You look like you just came back from battle.” She yawned.

“I guess I did. I don’t know why I bothered. Supporting TJ gets “tiresome”? Is that true Janie?”

“TJ’s a handful. All he does is work hard and apologize for it.” Janie rubbed her cheek on Jack’s shoulder. “I hope he starts talking to me again when you move.”

“Janie, he’s never stopped talking to you. That making his own choice thing? If he hasn’t officially quit you as his sponsor, he’s not planning to. I made a few suggestions to him, including talking to you about other possible sponsors to keep your friendship intact.”

“He’s not trying to self-destruct?”

“Haven’t you noticed increased therapy appointments? The first time – I don’t know. That second time, he didn’t want to interrupt your date with Bucky. I think just about everyone has told him that was the worst reason, I think Bucky’s going to tell him that too. I think living together, our whirlwind relationship and you having some things happen to you too, both good and bad, have just made him worry about your friendship more than his sobriety. He thinks he’s got a handle on that, and maybe? Maybe he should have a little space there. It’s not like he doesn’t know you’re there for him.”

“Jack, you should rest.” Janie said softly. “I mean, you’re doing a lot of TJ defense stuff.”

“I miss him. I want you to feel  reassured. I don’t want his parents to mess him up again.”

“But in your excitement and enthusiasm, are you remembering to take care of yourself?”

“I’m sittin with you. That’s something.” Jack linked fingers with Janie. “Do you forgive us for talking about moving?”

“No. Because there’s nothing to forgive. TJ staying was s _upposed_ to be temporary. Then he went and got a puppy and I fell in love and I don’t want either of you to be too far away.”

“I’m not a puppy, we’ll go as close as Manhattan or as far as Brooklyn, where you’re spending lots of time anyway. We’ll all cluster at each other’s homes and we’ll see more of each other.”

“Steve said the same thing.” Janie whispered. “I hope you’re right.”

“Janie, in the year and a half that TJ was sober, how long were you in New York and he in DC?”

“About nine months. Maybe more.”

“And your relationship grew. You visited him, and he came to stay with you. Now it’s just that there’s going to be more of us, three plus you in your cozy little apartment? No room for Bucky to come over and feel completely comfortable. A baby messes that kind of alone-time up. We’re grownups who can be quiet behind a closed door and not be noticed. An infant does things like cry for food at inopportune times, which means the adults have to run through the living room where you’re trying to make out while the movie plays, or hurry into the bathroom to clean up an unexpected mess.”

“I know. I thought my plan to be a part-time, super fun aunt or something would work, but I see it will work better if I live in a different building.”

“Yeah. Possibly. Did you have a good time Janie?”

“Yup, I like your sister a lot. David’s really a nice guy, no wonder you two couldn’t hang. I see you’re getting better at it though.”

“It wasn’t David, or his personality. It was being replaced. It was a lot of things.”

“I know sweetie. At least you’re grown up enough to admit it though. Growth, that’s a good quality. A nice ‘dad’ quality.”

“You should go back to sleep Janie. Seriously, you’re going to ruin my reputation.”

“Nobody on this flight knows your reputation.”

“Half of the people on this flight are waiting for me to revert to my previous self, Janie, my reputation is definitely well known among these people.”

“Well, they don’t know the new you.”

Jack kissed the top of Janie’s head, looking around. Steve was relaxed and appeared to be at least trying to sleep if he wasn’t. Elaine was on the phone, likely business but with a little bit of hope she was waking Bud Hammond up and alerting him to the fragile phone call that was going to be coming his way.

Jack wanted to wake TJ and talk to him, but he diverted those thoughts, also wanting to let TJ sleep. He thought about the baby and about Eli. He’d really fallen for that little guy. He had struggled with his words trying to tell him to listen to his parents. Based on his own experiences, he wasn’t convinced that was the best advice, but he knew that David and Michelle weren’t _his_ parents. He hoped that David and Michelle, and he and TJ would be better parents.

Jack was startled when his phone buzzed and woke him. He saw the caller and answered with a smile, “TJ, hi Kitten.”

“I’m getting good at waking you.”

“I’m glad you did. I was about to call you before I fell asleep. We got a late start, what time is it?”

“It’s noon. What time did you leave? Let me guess, my mom?”

“Yeah a conference call ran over, so she had the flight rescheduled. I’ll be later by a couple of hours. Did you still want to meet us or just send a car?”

“I’ll still be there.”

“Hey, how’d your call to your dad go?”

TJ thought about it, “It wasn’t terrible.”

 

> “Tee Jay,” the familiar, booming voice sounded pleasant and TJ’s nerves settled slightly.
> 
> “Hey dad.” TJ had been wrong, he was still nervous.
> 
> “How’ve you been? Your mama told me about your injuries.”
> 
> “I’m recovered, it was… stupid. Listen, I honestly don’t know what to say, but this radio silence hasn’t been great. I know I instigated it, but I… I’ve missed you dad.”
> 
> “I’ve missed you too Son. Listen. I said some things without thought, you know how I can get.”
> 
> “Yeah, I know.” TJ sat forward in the back of the car, ‘not exactly an apology’ he noted. “So, the next time you’re in town, we should get dinner.”
> 
> “I’d like that.”
> 
> “Did mom also tell you about the baby?”
> 
> “Yup, she did tell me that.” Bud said lazily. TJ imagined he was leaning back in his chair, a rocks glass in hand. “I think it’s nice.”
> 
> “Dad? Nice? You’re going to be a grandfather, I’m adopting the baby, he’ll be family. I kinda hoped for better than nice.”
> 
> The silence that stretched told TJ all the things that weren’t being spoken. His father was trying to find the words to follow TJ’s plea for happiness, or at the very least, kindness.
> 
> “Well, I guess nice is a start.” TJ said remotely. “Hey, I guess…”
> 
> “TJ.” Bud interrupted, then fell silent.
> 
> “Yeah dad.” TJ didn’t feel the need to inquire – if it was coming, he wasn’t going to invite it – whatever “it” was.
> 
> “I don’t know how to talk to you Son.”
> 
> “I guess like I’m not a complete stranger, or a total disappointment.”
> 
> “Now that’s not true.”
> 
> “It feels like we’re two of the most out of touch individuals, yet I know you. I can see you leaning back in your big office chair, you have a drink poured, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and suggest that you might be alone. You’re trying to figure out how to tell me I’m screwing up _still_ , without having me end the call and resume radio silence.”
> 
> “I worry about you Son. I’m trying not to. I’m not trying to tell you anything but that. It’s only been a few months.”
> 
> “You know what? It’s been longer than that Dad. I haven’t screwed anything up in quite a while. I know you don’t believe me, I know my past has made it hard for people to trust me, but when you choose to believe the press when it comes to what they say _I’ve_ been doing, but when it comes to you it’s a “load of bullshit”, it’s really hard for me to repair that trust. I’ve almost – _almost_ – been clean for two years. By the time this baby comes, it’ll be over two. Nobody has had to field any news reports on me for months, because I’ve been working hard, going to therapy, seeing only one man. I’m boring, and it _bothers_ you as much as when I wasn’t.”
> 
> “What about these reports of you with another man?”
> 
> “What reports? This is news to me. Let me give you the rundown of my circle of friends. I know a guy from school by the name of Ryan, whose wife is friends with a playwright named Simon Carter. He’s the guy I’m working with. I’ve spent a lot of time alone with him recently. In his apartment. Working. I know Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson and their friend Bucky. I have Janie, Jack, and my therapist. That’s my social circle these days. I need to work on that, but right now that’s what I have.”
> 
> “That’s… Simon Carter, that’s the name. You’re just working with him?”
> 
> TJ sighed, “Yup. It really is possible to work with someone attractive and not get involved with them. I mean I know I’m incredible and you know, just because I’m gay, I can’t work with another guy without resorting to screwing him. Dad, that’s completely ridiculous. If you have questions, ask. Send me a text with the link and say “is this false?”. You know what else I did that might be newsworthy? I spent the weekend at Steve and Bucky’s apartment and I _didn’t_ sleep with Bucky Barnes. Jack spent the week with Steve and Janie in Gilboa and he _didn’t_ sleep with either of them either.”
> 
> TJ saw the driver’s eyes crinkle, he knew he was entertaining the man, even though that wasn’t his goal. He was getting irritated and his sarcasm was running high.
> 
> “I’m sorry. I’m starting to go overboard. Dad. Ask the questions, don’t assume. I have to go to my therapy appointment in a few, and then I'm off to not screw around with Simon.”

“TJ, it wasn’t terrible isn’t the answer I was expecting.” Jack said, calling TJ's attention back to the current conversation.

“Well, he’ll call me for dinner the next time he’s in New York, I’m apparently screwing Simon, because I’m with him a lot. Oh – the daily coffee stops might have something to do with it too, since I pick up a cup for both of us most times.”

“You’re screwing Simon and you didn’t invite me?” Jack said with a laugh that brightened TJ’s mood.

“No, he’s all mine. You have Steve.”

“Had, the week’s over. Oh, speaking of, how was your fling with Bucky?”

“He snores.” TJ said. “The nightmares are the deal-breaker.”

“Wait, that sounds more like you’re talking about me? Deal-breaker? Really?”

“Nope, I’ll keep you.” TJ teased. “Thank you Jack.”

“For what?”

“For listening, for teasing me and making me smile.”

“Did therapy go well?”

“Yeah, it was nice. Easy today. I complained a little about my dad, talked about my weekend. Told him about how I’ve been getting along without you here. I guess I’m doing well, but I sure miss you.”

“Is that normal? Please tell me that’s normal.”

“You miss me too? Or you don’t want an abnormal boyfriend.”

“Both.” Jack said emphatically. “Obviously.”

TJ ran his fingers over his watch, the gift Jack had given him. “I’m gonna have to let you go soon, I’m almost to the coffee shop. I’m meeting Simon there today. It’s either going to be down to the minute I have to leave to meet you, or we’ll discuss a few things and I’ll have the afternoon to myself. I don’t know which way it’s going to go yet.”

“What will you do with the afternoon?” Jack knew he should just say ‘goodbye’ but he was interested, and didn’t want to end the call yet.

“Go back to the apartment and work on whatever we talk about.”

“If you do that, how do you feel about live-streaming it, even just for a little bit. I’ll put my headphones in to keep the music from the ‘masses’.”

“I can do that.” TJ smiled as the car came to a stop in front of the coffee shop. “You really do miss me.”

“I really do. Have a good meeting, I hope for your sake that it goes the best way possible for you, even if that means I don’t get a video sample.”

“Jack.” TJ said urgently once he was standing alone on the curb.

“Yes kitten?”

“I love you. I… It’s been tough without you here and I’ve really missed you. I don’t want you to come home to a moody, brooding guy and I…”

“I know, I love you too. You can’t begin to imagine how proud I am that you made it through this week alone. I really hope your therapist recognized what you did this week, and I want you to know that I have noticed, and Janie’s proud of you too. Go have your coffee, talk about the project and have something sweet. Send two cars. We’ll send Janie home with Steve and you and I can go out for a late dinner. You’re standing outside the coffee shop right now aren’t you? It’s ok TJ, take a minute, take a few breaths, stay on the phone so it looks like you’re just dealing with me. You’ll be ok.”

“How? How’d you know?”

“Your voice got urgent and shaky. Tonight we’ll just have a quiet night, dinner somewhere on our way home. If you go home this afternoon, allow yourself an hour for a nap. You’ll be glad you did, you were up late. You ok now?”

“Yeah, I think… Yeah.”

“Ok, tell him I was the one, just tell him I needed extra reassurance and tell him I’m sorry for making you late.”

“No Jack. Thanks baby, but I can tell him the truth. I was on the edge of an anxiety attack. He’s cool.”

“Ok, whatever works best for you. Remember what I said, take care of yourself and I’ll see you tonight.”

TJ hung up after they went the rounds with sweet talk. Pasting a smile on his face, he pocketed his phone and entered the coffee shop.

“Hey Simon, I’m sorry I’m late.”

“No problem, domestic troubles?” Simon asked.

“No. No. I… not with Jack, I talked to my dad this morning after over a month shutting him out, I might have expected more from him than I should, nothing new there, so when I was talking with Jack about it, it started to get to me. I just needed an extra minute.”

“I understand. Family drama’s great for writing but not so good for the actual living part of life.”

“You too?” TJ chuckled, “I don’t want to keep you longer but I really do need coffee. Be right back.”

Simon leaned back in his chair and nodded. He watched TJ, still agitated as he ordered his coffee, fidgeting at the counter, absently touching the impulse items. He’d never really worried about the press version of TJ Hammond after he met the man. Beforehand, Ryan had warned him “he’s clean now, and he’s talented, I just don’t know what a ‘clean TJ Hammond’ is like, so proceed with caution.”

Meeting TJ, Simon was immediately impressed with ‘clean TJ Hammond’. He had a wit and a sensitivity that made working with him not feel like working. He never flaked on their appointments, so the moments before TJ showed up outside the coffee shop weren’t spent obsessing over whether or not he’d start flaking now, Simon had felt comfortable enough to almost lose track of time entirely, listening to the piece TJ had sent him over the weekend.

“That’s exactly what I needed.” TJ interrupted Simon’s thoughts with a contented sigh over hot coffee. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be, I had time to listen to this again. TJ, are you sure you’re ok?”

“I had a great weekend  and fooled myself into the idea that calling my dad would be good, you know? I’m in a relationship and I’m happy, I think less about getting high than I ever thought possible, and I’ve been really digging into therapy and I think this” TJ threw a hand out indicating the work Simon had spread out in front of him, “is going really well. I’m doing something with music – which I thought he wanted – and I’m still a massive disappointment. Or a new screw-up is just around the corner.”

“Ok, I can say this _is_ going well, we even came out the other side after a tense work night on Friday. Take it from me, you don’t have to follow the family business in order to be a success. You just have to be able to face all of their scrutiny in addition to that of your peers. Not always easy.”

“So you don’t come from a family of entertainers either?”

“Hell no. Military.”

“Another one.” TJ shook his head. “No, I’m kidding. I take it you tried and paid your dues?”

“I did. Can’t live up to The Major, or anyone else in my illustrious militant brigade. I didn’t mind the contacts and the friends I made, but I was glad to cut and run when my time came. Disappointed my dad. He never has seen one of my plays.”

“So – I have to tell you I was talking about you to a friend, the name Carter came up and it hit a sensitive spot with him. I was teasing him about how much the two of you resemble one another.”

“Two hits on the things in common column. Carter’s a pretty common name, but yeah, I know how it is when someone mentions a name you have a tie to. What did your friend think about being compared to a slouchy, scruffy, peculiar writer anyway?”

“Well, you clean up well, so I don’t think you’re much of a slouch.” TJ smirked, “if you knew what “looking like” someone meant in my world… you haven’t met Jack or my friend Bucky yet. It devolved into cloning conspiracy pretty fast.”

TJ was relieved that Simon laughed, he hadn’t ever planned to mention the conversation, it was insane to anyone not touched by Hydra in some way. He was glad that he could spin it to a joke without looking odd in the process, something about the military background had him wanting to plunge deeper into Simon’s history. He’d have to keep his curiosity in check. No sense being laughed out of a perfectly good job or giving the man nightmares.

“I’ve seen pictures of you and Jack, I’m not living under a rock TJ. Even if I do look like it sometimes. The resemblance is striking, no wonder someone brought up clones.” Simon laughed. “Should we save that for another project and get back to this train wreck?”

“It’s not a train wreck. Not yet anyway.” TJ laughed, “We’re making some progress. I’m happy with everything so far, tell me you’re not.”

“Ok, I can’t say that. I have _no changes_ from what you sent me, can you keep going with that – I sent you some lyrics, I thought you’d want to work at home today, since Jack’s coming home.” Simon shifted in his seat, spreading notes around on the table absently. “If you don’t want to be alone, come up to the apartment, but it’s up to you.”

“I… do you not want to be alone Simon?”

“Me?” Simon chuckled. TJ thought maybe it was defensive, he’d refuse company for the sake of appearances.

“You know what?” TJ sipped his coffee lazily, “I don’t think I’m going to be as productive if I go home. It’s easy to get distracted by the small place and thinking about moving. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d get more work done overlooking the city we’re writing about. Of course, that means you have to work too.”

“Should we get some sweets and head up then?” Simon didn’t exude relief, but TJ thought maybe there was a distinct difference in Simon’s acceptance of his suggestion versus the way he’d offered to let TJ go home.

TJ wasn’t in a place where his needs were more precious to him than someone else’s, and having just left Bucky’s apartment, where he’d stayed an entire weekend because neither of them had wanted to be alone any longer, he couldn’t let Simon spend unwanted time alone.

“Sure, I’ve been eating like a teenager this past weekend, what’s one more day?”

TJ packed up Simon’s tablet and papers while Simon ordered god-knows-what from the pastry case. “TJ, refill?” he called from the counter.

“Yes please.”

Simon waited by the empty pick-up counter for the order and TJ went to his side, handing him his bag. “Thanks TJ. Maybe tomorrow you can work from home, huh?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” TJ smiled, hearing the depth of thanks in the simple gesture. “I can sleep in an extra hour that way.”

TJ grabbed the coffees and Simon took the bag of pastries. “By the way,” TJ said before they hit the door, “I hear you and I are an item, be prepared for paps to find us and I hope your family can take the heat.”

“Shit, no they can’t but that’s their problem. I’m going to be embroiled in one thing after another if I ever make a mark, so why not start now. How bad would it be for my reputation to be rumored to be with you?”

TJ laughed harder than he had since the weekend, “You don’t even know. It could be good in the end, but at first not so much. I’m sorry. I should come with a warning label.”

“I can take it. I think it’ll add character to this boring guy rep I’ve got.”

“Chicks’ll like it. I promise you that. Steer clear of the nutso ones, they think if you’re gay they can fix you… you’re not, so you could use that to your advantage, but they’re not quality.” TJ said as they walked up the block.

“TJ you’re hilarious.” Simon laughed as TJ held the door to his building open, waving off the doorman.

“A laugh riot.” TJ agreed. “So, we managed to miss out on a swarm, but there were some photographers, did you see them?”

“I didn’t. I thought maybe you were wrong.” Simon said as he checked the mail before he and TJ got into the elevator. “TJ. You had a rough start, how is it you’re so in control now?”

“Shit.” TJ laughed, pushing the button to Simon’s floor.

“Sorry, shouldn’t I ask? Is that against the ‘privacy act’?”

“No, it’s not a problem, I’m only just starting to figure out how to spell ‘control’. It’s been rough most of the time, but it hasn’t been as horrible as I thought it would be. Biggest challenge is fixing myself and starting a relationship at the same time, and becoming a father.”

“You seemed happy about that.” Simon leaned against the elevator wall.

“I still am, I’m also terrified.” TJ paused, watching the numbers climb as he formulated his explanation, “I have to be responsible for myself and for another, entirely separate human, _and_ not screw that human up. I don’t have the best role models for _not screwing up small humans_.”

They both laughed as the elevator swooped to it’s almost, but not quite, elegant stop on Simon’s floor.

“I don’t think anyone’s got that figured out TJ. Everyone, well-adjusted or newly adjusted, faces that particular challenge when they are presented with their own small humans.”

“But the well-adjusted ones have a head start.” TJ said, leading the way out of the elevator.

“That head start falls away with the first fever or sleepless night.”

“You have a kid, Simon?” TJ asked.

“I did.” Simon unlocked the door. “Thought I did.”

“Oh.” TJ stopped. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, cute little thing, got my heart all tied up around his little finger, and then not only was I told I wasn’t the father, I was told I didn’t need to come back.”

“Jesus.” TJ took the bag of pastries from Simon and set it on the counter. “I’m sorry man.”

“It’s ok. I brought it up, basically. Evan’s five now. I’ve seen him once or twice by accident. He wouldn’t remember me, was just an infant when I was evicted. It’s pretty obvious he’s the other guy’s kid, not that it would have mattered. Not that I didn’t try to fight for him anyway. In the end I had no argument to stand on, raising the kid for the first seven months wasn’t investment enough, and of course there was the DNA.”

“Shit.”

“Something to write about.” Simon forced a smile. “He’s healthy. That’s all any dad could ask for.”

TJ couldn’t quite smile back at Simon, instead he pulled a couple of pastries out of the bag and put them on plates. He opened Simon’s refrigerator, leaving it open while he put a little butter on top of each pastry. He kicked the door closed as he turned to open the microwave and stuck the two plates in for a few seconds. Then he warmed Simon’s coffee, before taking it and the two plates, with forks, to the coffee table.

Simon reached for the pastry, “Thanks TJ. What’s this?”

“Warm and buttery. It should at least distract you from the thoughts you’re entertaining.”

“Thanks.” Simon smiled, nodding his head. “You’re a decent guy TJ.”

“I’m working on that.”

“I’m serious, you’re the one with the shit morning and you’re buttering me up, quite literally, because…”

“Because I like warm pastry with butter. Shut up.” TJ stopped Simon.

“Ok, I guess we get to work.”

“After the pastry, slow the fuck down Simon.” TJ said kindly.

“Sit then.” Simon gestured the variety of seating options. “Tell me more about your kid. He’s due in a few months right?”

“More than halfway there. Before autumn rolls in. Jack’s talking about going to Paris to see Lucinda, not sure why. Paris I guess.” TJ smiled, “Use checking in on her as an excuse. Not that it’s going to happen before James is born. He’s starting work next week and we have this.”

“Go after, one day when James is bigger, visit her, you said that was an option, right?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to shut her out of his life. She was forced into the situation, I can’t blame her for not wanting to have the responsibility of a kid, and since we want him, no harm-no foul.”

“It’s good to have a decent relationship. I realize you’ve only told me the basics, I’ve seen some things online too. It’s nice that through all that the three of you could come to agreeable terms.”

“Doesn’t this just fuck with you more?”

“I went through it five years ago, well, four. It’s painful, yeah. But I lived it for a reason, if part of that reason was to give you peace of mind? Or stupid new parent advice? Or… feel things I hadn’t felt before, so that I could write about them, who am I to shove it under a rug?”

“Ok, if you say so.”

“TJ, when you write music, it’s not just notes crashing into each other and coming out as pain, or love, or longing. It came from somewhere. You channel that emotion into music so eloquently. Don’t ever kill that with drugs.”

“Where did that come from?”

“Your doubtful ‘if you say so’. As if you don’t believe exorcising your strongest emotions through art is a lifesaving talent.”

“I was doubting that you’re really so casual about the feelings.” TJ said, honestly. Ok, half-honestly.

“and?”

“and the other.” TJ confessed. “It’s easier, now. I still have problems, I’ve had moments recently… well not since upping my therapy and opening up more to myself, realizing its really what I need, not what he wants to hear.”

“That’s good though.” Simon sipped his coffee.

“Yeah, baby steps still though. I’m still catching myself getting too wrapped up in things. Someday I hope I’ll get that straightened out.”

“TJ, that’s normal. That won’t ever go away. If you expect to come away from therapy perfect, you’re going to fail again. You’ll get wrapped up in an emotion, or an event, or something and have to catch yourself. Knowing that and how to do it is what you’re learning. You’re not fixing being human, you’re figuring out how to do it on your terms.”

TJ looked at Simon as the statement settled around him.

“You think I’m a master of my perfect existence?” Simon chuckled. “I spend too much time writing, so I end up in rumpled clothes half the time or stay in my pajamas until two. It’s allowed me to pay for this place, with more than a handful of children’s books under my belt. I haven’t gone out in public aside from the grocery store twice in as many weeks and the semi-weekly coffee shop visits. Not because I have an issue with going out, but because I’m too wrapped up in this project, and before that it was a children’s book I was illustrating. I’ll get a lot of “going out” accomplished on the book release party and some signing events I’ll have to attend. Until then, I work on unwrapping myself enough to get to the gym.”

“Nope. This weekend, you’re going out with me and my friends – don’t worry, there’re only two of us who aren’t straight and we’re together. You’ll be safe.” TJ never missed an opportunity to tease Simon about his initial introduction.

“TJ, we’re…”

“Simon…” TJ interrupted, “It’ll be good for you, don’t worry, a little paparazzi, a little press, mostly a lot of (sober) fun.”

“Somehow the word sober doesn’t reassure me.” Simon smirked, gathering the plates and forks, and heading for the kitchen. “I’ll go.”

“Yes!” TJ pumped his fist, “I knew I could convince you.”

“Where are we going?”

“I’m not sure. Janie wants to go to this club – come to think of it, if you want, they do serve drinks. Jack, Janie and I won’t be imbibing, and if Steve or Bucky come they’ll be sober too, even if they do drink, assholes. It could just be you and Sam, maybe Millie, having drinks. I don’t know Millie, but Sam’s pretty responsible.”

“TJ, you’re not alone.” Simon said from the edge of the room, “You’re worried about family and a little person and you’re not alone, listen to the list you just gave me.”

“I know. Thanks.” TJ smiled appreciatively at Simon, “Maybe we should plug _some of this emotion_ into working.”

“Aww, spoilsport.” Simon teased following TJ to the music room.

TJ stood at the piano bench, looking out the window that was always at his back when he played. “Your view never ceases to astonish me. A few children’s books huh?”

“A few.” Simon reached under the piano bench, pulling out a stack wrapped in baby ribbon, “Since we were talking about a kid and stuff. I was actually thinking about this this past weekend, kind of a baby gift, kind of an apology for getting in your face on Friday.”

TJ looked at the not-so-small tower of books, “Simon, you illustrated or wrote all of these?”

“Yup. My other passion, four and a half years of redirecting and coping.”

“I’ll untie this and look at them with Jack, if you don’t mind.”

“You’ll have lots of opportunities to read stories to James. I hope some of these will be on the reading list.”

“Are you kidding? These are James’ first books. I might select one to send to Lucinda to get him started. He’s already got his first lullabies. Thank you Simon.”

…

TJ sat in the car at the airport, waiting in the secure area after showing his ID to the head of security. One of the better known agents ducked his head into the opened window of the car right after the first guy flagged him down, “Thomas Hammond.” The elder man said warmly. “TJ you here to see your mom?”

“Well, I’m here to pick up Jack, but yeah, I don’t think she’ll mind looking at my sorry mug for a minute or two.”

“She’ll be offended if you don’t let her hug you, you know?”

“Ken, don’t let me offend the President, or my mother. How’s the family? Is Lisa doing well in her college classes?” TJ asked, remembering the young girl who used to fawn over him and Dougie when she was in pigtails.

“She’s great. Studying foreign affairs or some such.”

“You know more than you let on, she was bit by the political bug, wasn’t she? You might be guarding your very own daughter as president one day.”

“TJ, I’d be proud if she did so, but I hope I’m retired by then. Heart couldn’t take that kind of anxiety.”

TJ laughed. “So, you think I can get out? Or should I stay put?”

“If you can stay put til the plane’s secure, I’ll flag you down and escort you personally.

“Thanks Ken. I’ve got some things to keep me busy.” TJ watched the video he and Simon had worked on that afternoon, smiling at Simon’s voice covering several parts of the musical, some of them falsetto and not entirely terrible. He’d had a tough time keeping a straight face while playing it, making Simon break out into fits of laughter more than once. They’d gotten a surprising amount of work done on the one piece in spite of the breaks. TJ was excited to show it to Jack on the way to the restaurant.

The soft knock on the window startled TJ. He took a deep breath  and ran his fingers through his hair before stepping out of the car. “Thanks Ken.”

“Sorry TJ.” The elder man smirked. “Your mom’s asking for you already.”

“Impatient.” TJ shook his head with a smile. “I honestly just wanna see Jack.”

“There’s an order to this young Hammond.”

“I know, I know. Mom first. _President first_ , then Mom, then Jack and my friends.”

Ken laughed, “Lucky for you President and Mom are the same. You don’t have to wait quite as long that way.”

“Tommy” His mom’s voice rang out. TJ’s smile softened.

“Momma.” He sang into her hair in the midst of a big hug. “How was your trip? I trust better than last time?”

“Better because there were no medical emergencies. I wish you’d have come.”

“I’m glad I didn’t have to – other than missing Jack and Janie. and you.” TJ added smartly. “Oh, and this guy.” TJ checked Steve with a soft elbow as he presented at Elaine’s side. “What? Are you Mom’s personal security this trip?”

“I just didn’t want you to forget me.” Steve winked.

TJ hung onto his mom’s arm for an extra second before setting eyes on Jack coming up behind his mother. “Baby.” He sighed, melting into Jack’s arms, “I missed you most of all.”

Jack closed his eyes, wrapping his arms tightly around TJ, rubbing his jaw over TJ’s stubbled cheek. Hearing the declaration against his ear. “TJ.” Jack breathed. “Kitten, I’ve missed you.”

Janie stood at Elaine’s side, sharing a look with the woman. Both smiles warm and sweet. Janie braced herself to witness a naughty kiss that never came, instead, TJ extended an arm to her.

“Janes!” TJ kissed her cheek as they hugged. “You… did you have a good time?”

“It was like a fairy tale!” Janie hugged TJ back, “I hear I’m being booted from my own apartment tonight.”

“It wasn’t my idea, but Bucky did miss you?”

“I know. I’ll just have to see you tomorrow. You’d better give me some time tomorrow if you’re disappearing on me for a long weekend.” Janie scolded.

“Yup, tomorrow for sure. We’ll stay in, watch movies, play games and eat.” TJ promised. “I’ll buy.”

Jack’s arm tugged TJ closer by the waist as they waved Steve and Janie off.

“Thomas, I know you’re busy with work, but what are the chances we can see you at home for a few days soon?” Elaine asked before she could let her son go.

“Maybe a few weeks? Jack’s starting work next week so we’re taking a few days before we’re both super busy. Let me know your next ‘vacation’ and maybe I can make arrangements around that.”

“Sounds like something we can work with.” She smiled. “Sounds better than ‘leave me alone’.”

“So are you flying the rest of the way tonight or in the morning?” TJ asked.

“It’ll take as much time to get to a hotel here as it would to get home, I’m heading back to DC.”

“Ok, I don’t have to tell you to be safe, you’re surrounded by people doing that for you. Call me tomorrow?” TJ asked.

“I will. You’ll answer?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t planning on it. I wanted to talk to you about dad, and about James.”

“Sure Honey, I’ll call in the morning over coffee.” TJ was embraced by his mother’s smile and then her warm arms. “You promise me _you’ll_ be safe.”

“I will be. I’m absolutely going to be safe.” TJ tightened his arms around his mom before letting her go, watching her hug Jack and not able to hear their exchange.

In the car, Jack linked fingers with TJ, “I’ve missed you. Did your day improve after you met with Simon?”

“Yeah, he helped, I learned a lot about him today. Oh, and he gave us this.” TJ picked up the stack of books from the floor, “He writes children’s books and illustrates them. These are for James.”

Jack ran a finger along the spines of the books, “James is going to be spoiled.”

“Yes. I thought maybe we could pick one out to send to Lucinda, she could read it to him, if she would.”

“You’re really getting into this.” Jack smiled, warm against TJ, happy that he _was_ getting into it.

“I am. I’m sort of terrified and excited.”

“Did you make dinner reservations?” Jack asked, releasing TJ’s hand so he could put his arm around TJ.

“I did, I’m considering canceling them. I’m exhausted and you must be tired too.”

“I’m hungry too.” Jack said, looking sideways at TJ. “You falling asleep already?”

“No.” TJ’s quiet voice indicating he was close. “Not yet.” TJ scooted to rest his head on Jack’s shoulder. “I’ve missed touching you. Being touched and held. We could order a pizza.”

Jack smiled at the disjointed conversation. “Pizza sounds good, we could have it meet us there. I’ll order, you sleep til we get home.”

“’Snot fair.” TJ muttered, “You’re sleepy too.”

“I’ve napped today. You have _not._ ”

TJ imagined he replied with something very clever, he heard Jack’s voice and felt the smooth ride of the car, and the occasional pitch as they turned corners. Then there was silence followed by a gentle hand on his face, “TJ. We’re home Kitten.” TJ smiled at the familiar nickname, waking slowly to the yellow dome light of the car. “Hey, there you are, we’re home sweetheart.” Jack’s warm voice, welcome after so many days spent so far away, wrapped itself around TJ’s heart.

“I’m up.” TJ said to himself more than anything. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m the one who told you to sleep.” Jack reached for TJ’s arm once he was out of the car, “Come on, pizza should be here soon. Let’s go get comfortable.”

“But I’ve missed you and I could have been talking to you instead of drooling on your arm.” TJ chuckled at himself.

“I didn’t know you drooled. I don’t mind, I guess.” Jack let go of the bag TJ was trying to take from him and stooped to pick another one up from the sidewalk. Jack followed TJ up the stoop and through the door. He pressed the elevator button with his elbow while TJ set one bag down to adjust the armload of books he had from Simon.

The elevator ride was quiet as TJ stood close to Jack, closing his eyes briefly and groaning when the sudden stop on their floor jarred him from a sort of slumber.

“You alright Kitten?” Jack asked, a hint of laughter in his voice, but his face reflected concern.

“Yeah, I’m practically asleep on my feet, that was a rude awakening, literally.” TJ huffed. “I’m sorry I’m such miserable company.”

“Don’t even think it. You’re fine, you remember what flying in that plane’s like, complete luxury. Like I said, I slept with Janie for a lot of the flight home. You’ve done three, no, four exhausting things today. Talked to your dad, did therapy, worked a full afternoon with Simon, and dealt with your mom. If you’re too tired for pizza, it’s good reheated, or cold.” Jack teased TJ, letting them into the apartment. TJ set the books on the table by the door and Jack took the suitcase from him, sticking it in the bedroom. “Do you want to try to wait for Pizza or head to bed?”

“I’m ok. I’ll sit on the couch with you. Maybe even shove a piece of pizza in my face.” TJ followed Jack to the sofa, sitting heavily in the center as the buzzer rang.

“Stay here, I’ll get this.” Jack ordered, smiling at TJ’s tired rebellion.

“Stop laughing at me.” TJ called after him. “He’s laughing at me because he’s a jerk.”

The pizza delivery guy chuckled, “I’m a jerk too then, because for whatever reason, you made me laugh at you too.”

“Don’t tip him Jack. Better yet, tip him twice.”

“Such an idiot when he’s tired.” Jack smiled, tipping generously enough to keep the delivery guy from saying TJ sounded inebriated if anyone asked.

“I’m the same way, to hear my jackass friends tell it.” the guy – Andy – smiled. Thank you. Enjoy your pizza.

“TJ, you moron, you sound drunk.” Jack said from behind the sofa. He stuck the box on the cushion next to TJ before rubbing his shoulders. “You’re an idiot.”

TJ gripped Jack’s hands and looked up at him. “Kiss me.”

Jack kissed TJ firmly, “pizza?”

“It smells good. I suppose the smell will just keep me awake if I don’t have some.” TJ’s fingers laced behind Jack’s neck, not letting him move away. They looked at each other, seeing one another upside down, and both broke into laughter at the same time. TJ let Jack go, “Would you bring me a soda?”

“Yup.” Jack pulled two from the fridge, opening the cans as he crossed the space.

“Bucky collects sodas.” TJ said.

“He what?” Jack thought maybe TJ was too far gone in his sleepiness.

“There’re a few local soda brands, Bucky’s got a whole slew of different sodas in his fridge, including a really great double caffeine cola.”

“Who knew?” Jack shrugged, handing the can to TJ. He sat across from TJ with the box between them. “Really good stuff huh?”

“Yeah, oh, and I’m going to be baking bread with him twice a week, you’re going to love it.”

“You mentioned you were enjoying learning. Twice a week huh?”

“Yeah, he makes it Wednesdays and weekends, Sundays I think he said.” TJ pulled a smaller piece of pizza from the box. “I’ll remember better in the morning.”

Jack watched TJ with a smile, “You’re forcing yourself to stay awake because?”

“Because I missed you. Because I have a lot to tell you.”

“TJ,” Jack put his hand on TJ’s leg, giving a reassuring squeeze, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Aw, I know,” TJ admitted, “It’s just, I’ve looked forward to this all day, and for a few days anyway, and I’ll be damned if I let a little tired keep me from seeing you.”

Jack finished his slice and picked up the box, taking it to the kitchenette. “Then let’s just put this away for leftovers, and go to bed, you can talk to me and see me in there as well.”

Jack returned to the sofa, holding his hands out to TJ. “Come on. Come watch me brush my teeth for bed if you wanna keep seeing me.”

TJ rolled his eyes as he took Jack’s hands and stood in front of him, “you’re just being obtuse now.”

“If I tell you the day’s catching up to me too? If I say, “I’d rather unwind in bed.” Would that be convincing?”

“Not entirely.” TJ popped a brief kiss on the side of Jack’s mouth. “But I’m up, lead me.”

Jack led TJ to the bathroom and they settled into their before bed routine, TJ stripped out of his clothes on the way to the bedroom, tiredly flinging them toward the closet. “I haven’t been this lazy…”

“If you’re apologizing, you can stop.” Jack shrugged from his shirt, “Some clothes _near_ the laundry hamper isn’t going to bother me tonight. Tomorrow? Maybe.” Jack’s hands found TJ’s waist and he pulled him back against him, “I’ve missed you Kitten.”

TJ turned around to face Jack, wrapping his arms around Jack’s neck, “I’ve missed you, a daily video and phone call were nice, but your warmth and solidity…”

“Your breath on my neck, your kisses…”

“I’ve missed your hands on me, your lazy massages.” TJ kissed Jack’s neck, the breath Jack missed tickling his ear. He scrubbed fingers over the short hairs on the back of Jack’s head. “You had your hair cut while you were gone, I like this cut on you.”

Jack walked TJ to the bed, tapping him on the thigh when TJ sat, “lie down, I could probably give you a _lazy massage_ , you ingrate.”

“Ok, lazy is a bad word. I should take the blame, usually I have you insisting on returning a massage after you’re half asleep.” TJ yawned.

“That’s more like it. Lie down.” Jack kissed TJ’s forehead and watched TJ roll onto his stomach, he was 95% certain he’d be asleep before Jack got his hands on him, but he’d been wrong before. He climbed onto the bed next to TJ and ran his fingers lightly over TJ’s shoulders and down his sides, smirking when TJ flinched a little at the tickle. “Still awake then?”

“Mm hmm.” TJ confirmed sleepily. “Jack?”

“Yes kitten?” Jack asked, leaning close to TJ, dotting his temple with a kiss.

“I didn’t say it. I forgot to say it, forgive me?”

“I can’t forgive something I don’t know about.”

“I love you. I forgot to say I love you.”

“But I know you do, Kitten. Have I told you since I’ve been home? I love you too baby.”

“You’re forgiven.” TJ smiled, his face half smushed into the pillow. “I do love you, I do have to say it.”

“I love hearing it, say it all you want.” Jack’s fingers kneaded deep into TJ’s muscles, “I love you too Kitten. TJ. I love you TJ.”

TJ fell asleep to the words and Jack’s lips uttering them near his ear mid-kiss. Jack ruffled his fingers through TJ’s hair before lying next to him and draping his arm over TJ’s waist. Before long, TJ turned to his side, spooning against Jack. Jack breathed in the blended fragrance of _his_ TJ and whatever clean, spicy product he’d used at Bucky’s, kissing the prickly back of TJ’s neck where the haircut he’d gotten before Jack had left was starting to grow out. Jack pressed his forehead to TJ’s spine at the base of his neck and fell asleep faster than he’d been able to the whole week he’d been gone.


	55. Chapter 55

TJ stirred when the light coming through the window hit his eyelids. He’d left the shades open when he’d left for the weekend and obviously neither of them had noticed them open the night before. He tried to move but found himself tethered to Jack by a firm grip that couldn’t be from a sleeping lover. “You’re watching me sleep?” he groaned.

“Yup.” The word huffed along his neck before a kiss cooled the spot Jack’s warm breath hovered over. “You’re beautiful when you’re sleeping. That’s not to say you’re not gorgeous all of the time.”

“Nice save.” TJ’s hand moved down his own chest and back over Jack’s hip and thigh where he was laying pressed behind TJ. TJ gripped the muscular leg and held Jack close to him. “I missed this.”

“I did too. You’re warm and you don’t wiggle half as much as Eli. He kept leaving his crib and coming to sleep with me.”

“I guess that’s a sign he’s done with his crib. What did his parents think of Houdini’s disappearing act?” TJ smiled, leaning his head back against Jack’s shoulder.

“I’m sure they were frustrated.” Jack kissed TJ’s neck. “Did you sleep well?”

“I should be asking you that.” TJ rolled over and put his hand on Jack’s chest, “I should be giving you all of this attention.”

“I slept great, I wasn’t alone and you didn’t snore too much. It’s warm enough that I didn’t mind you hogging all of the covers, I could have used more pillow space, but…”

TJ pushed Jack over, onto his back and kissed him hard on the mouth, “you’re just being mean.”

“Yeah.” Jack’s fingers traced TJ’s jaw, before he closed his thumb and fingers over TJ’s chin and tilted it to look at TJ fully. “I’m just so terribly cruel. Did you want me to fix breakfast?”

“It wasn’t one of the things I’d taken time to think about yet.” TJ couldn’t resist nuzzling his jaw against Jack’s hand, “I don’t even know what time it is.”

“It’s early, it’s getting light earlier and earlier. Jack moved his hands over TJ’s shoulders and down his chest. “We can do whatever comes to mind.”

“Jack?”

“Yeah Kitten?”

“I can tell you anything, right?”

“I’m surprised that you feel you have to ask. Of course you can. What is it?”

“I know it’s been a while, you’re probably looking for sex after so long, with me being busy and  then the trip and…”

“You just want to cuddle?” Jack grinned.

“I mean, this morning. I’m still half awake, and have to work soon, and, Jesus I sound like a fucking virgin. I just want to be able to take our time.”

“TJ.” Jack laughed, raising his head to kiss TJ’s pout, “That’s not “virginal” that’s just the sweetest fucking thing. I’ll tell you what, we’ll just recharge here, now. When it’s time for you to start working, I’ll fix brunch and later we can take our time. I love you, you giant nerd.”

“Wow, that’s a lot to live down. I’m a sweet, giant nerd?” TJ rolled back onto his back and looked at the ceiling, “Even when you’re calling me names, I love you.”

Jack leaned up onto his elbow, and started tracing shapes over TJ’s chest. “I know. and you know what? I like these quiet, goofy, tender times with you. I want you to believe that. There might be a dozen people who don’t think you can go any length of time without sex, but I know better. I don’t feel neglected when we don’t do it either, you know why?

Because we’re able to be like this together. We didn’t suffer as a couple because we couldn’t do anything when you were injured, and we aren’t suffering now because I went out of town. We’re going to be alone together for a long weekend, and we can spend it fucking, or doing this and playing video games. I expect there’ll be a healthy amount of all of it, but if any one thing gets left off the list, it’s not going to break me.   Have you had any other relationships where you just wanted to chill?”

“Nope.” TJ   said quietly, “can’t say that I have. Not that I was sober in a relationship for a long time. Last time I had both was Shawn. I didn’t have him all the time so I guess when we were together it had to be all or nothing. Why are you making me talk about that?”

“I didn’t make you say any of that.” Jack kissed TJ’s side several times, “I just wanted to know why you felt embarrassed to tell me.”

TJ tickled the back of Jack’s neck lazily while Jack continued to pepper his skin with kisses. “Maybe all this new self-exploration has left me raw. I want to be – I want to be happy Jack. I want to know that I can take a few minutes and make it something special, because after James is here, sometimes all we’ll have are a few minutes. I don’t even know if that makes sense.”

“Mmmhmm. It makes perfect sense. As long as this” Jack paused to pepper more kisses on TJ’s belly before sitting up, “makes you happy, I’m glad you’re thinking about it. I’m inspired by how excited and prepared, and realistic you are about James. I’m humbled by you TJ.”

“Tell me something about you Jack.” TJ’s hand rested on Jack’s knee where it brushed his hip.

“Like what? I thought we knew each other pretty well.”

“I don’t know everything. I don’t know how you really feel about being a father. I know it was forced on you, and I’m not giving you much choice either.”

“I don’t need a choice TJ. Sure, I felt like the ground was torn away from me when I found out, but I was afraid of being a horrible father, and I was afraid that would finally be _too much_ for you. I was also worried that you jumped on board out of some sense of loyalty or something and I was afraid to hope that the kid would really be loved.”

Jack’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears, TJ sat up and faced Jack, putting his hands on Jack’s shoulders. “I know you love him. You have to know I do.”

“You’ve proven that either you love him very, very much, or you’re in the wrong line of work, and are an Oscar worthy actor.” Jack chuckled, he liked the way TJ’s hands sliding down his arms grounded him, “I know you love him, you named him already. You sent him lullabies and are already talking about reading to him. I realized how much I love him, how excited I am, and how fucking terrified, this past week seeing Lucinda again and spending so much time with Eli.”

“Before?” TJ covered Jack’s hands with his. Jack turned his hands palm up and gripped TJ’s hands, then relaxed them.

“Mostly nervous, terrified, and hopeful.”

“Me too. I mean what could we offer this baby, emotionally? Besides a couple of emotional  train wrecks? We know how that turns out.”

“So you made a choice. We both did. I know it’s still new, the therapy thing, but I see the difference in you, and even in myself. Speaking of which, did we get a spot sooner or later with the relationship counselor?”

“Sooner, next Monday. Long lunch?”

“Yup. Works for me. I told your mom.”

“Jesus, how’d that go?”

“I got a look of worry.  I told her it was good news, not bad. I don’t know what she thought. I was touched that she was concerned. I mean, of course her initial fears would be for you, but I think, just maybe, she doesn’t mind the idea of me.”

“I’m going to say she likes you. I saw her when you were hurt, taking care of you, and not just because I hurt too much to do it.”

“I’m incredibly likable.” Jack smirked. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“You could surprise me. When we met you cringed at the thought and now you’re volunteering. What a change, I like it.”

“You’re to blame. I mean, I owe it to you.” Jack released TJ’s hands and put one hand on TJ’s neck, pulling him close for a kiss. “I really do owe you a lot TJ. My life. My sanity. I have those because of you, because you believed in me when nobody else did.”

“It could have gone so wrong for both of us. You trusted me, I trusted you. I think you gave me the one thing I wanted – the one thing I didn’t deserve. Trust.”

“You might have burned people on trust, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t work to earn it back. You were clean and you didn’t cause trouble, but you were still called out due to lack of trust. That doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it. Not to mention, you bailed me out so smartly in that security office, you didn’t have to do that, you got me out of the airport and across town. You gave me sanctuary. Who could receive all of that and not trust you?”

“All of that really happened.” TJ laughed. “I was there and I kind of forgot.”

“It really did. You were pissed, but you were so generous at the same time.”

“You reminded me of me, at some of my most desperate moments. You could have looked like Steve or like Sam even and I still would have seen myself in your misery. That first night – we both wanted someone, and feared loneliness – but I started feeling emotions so suddenly.”

“Me too. I thought maybe it was some twisted Florence Nightingale thing, but I didn’t care. It felt good to feel loved. I’m glad I didn’t panic. I could have panicked and lost the best thing.”

“Would it still be the best thing if I slipped?”

“That part would suck. I know it’s always possible, but you know what? I love you, I knew going in that you’re in recovery. I’d help you and I hope you’d let me, even if you slipped.”

“I mean I’m not planning on it, and I worry less about it the more I get into myself, and my therapy, but it…”

“I know. It’s always in the realm of possibilities. Would you? Let me help?”

“I would. I think I would. I’d want  your help, but you know how it is getting so in your own head and mixed up in your addiction.”

“Well, you **know** I’d be pushing you around, helping you, getting punched in the face for my troubles.”

“I’m sure that would motivate you to keep going.” TJ laughed, “I know how you like a good fight.”

“I’m not sure that’s the kind of fight I’d _love_.” Jack’s hand, still on the back of TJ’s neck tightened as he pulled TJ close again, pressing their foreheads together. “You’re not going to slip.”

TJ put both hands on Jack’s neck, linking his fingers behind, tickling Jack’s hairline with his thumbs, “No. I don’t believe I will.”

“How about one of my dad’s breakfast specialties? I might need to run to the market down the street for a few fresh things, you want me to pick up coffee?”

“Yes. God yes, please.” TJ kissed Jack. “I love you for rescuing me with coffee.”

“Of all the things I could do.” Jack laughed, climbing from the bed. He tugged on a pair of sweat pants, “These are clean? I mean you’d  put them in the hamper if they weren’t, right?”

“I wore them for an hour or two Friday morning. They’re clean enough – I didn’t do anything nasty with them on.”

“OK jackass. They’re mine, you know.”

“Hey, so I helped myself to your sweats. There were a couple of days where I took a one of your shirts out of the hamper to wear.”

“Why’d you do that?” Jack turned to look at TJ from where he was looking in the dresser for a t-shirt.

“I missed you, I wore some clothes you’d worn, that smelled like you, I know – it’s weird.”

“It’s not.”

“I told my therapist, it’s on record now.”

“Were you reassured that it’s ok? Because if he made you feel remotely “weird” about that, you should reconsider therapists.”

“Nah, apparently _two thirds_ of men surveyed admit  to doing it – even straight men.” TJ laughed. “I’m apparently self-conscious about being compared to a straight guy and a straight girl simultaneously.”

“I’ll say it again. Jackass.” Jack laughed, kissing TJ as soon as his head was through the neck-hole of TJ’s t-shirt.

“You’re not wearing that?” TJ laughed.

“What? I think it’s funny. I think Janie deserves all the awards.” Jack said, looking down at the white “Not the Next Hammond President” text on the democratic blue t-shirt. “I think we should wear them to the next family gathering. You know you’re going to be dragged to DC soon.”

“I know. I think after a few couples’ sessions we could fly down for a weekend. I want as many _tools_ in place as I can have first.”

“I don’t think your family could ask more than that.” Jack responded, sitting next to TJ, “Ok, coffee, breakfast ingredients, anything else?”

“Nope. Nothing I can think of. I guess that’s my cue to get dressed and start creating.”

“At your leisure Kitten.” Jack patted TJ on the thigh, “You do remember you promised Janie a night of her choosing tonight, right?”

“Oh shit, yeah I did.” TJ swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pushed himself up. “I always do that, promising everyone time at the same time. Forgive me?”

“Plans with Janie came first, I’ll have you all to myself all weekend starting tomorrow. I’m sure I will be included in whatever you two are up to tonight, so yeah. You’re forgiven.” Jack reassured TJ as he tied the laces on his sneakers.

“Thanks.”

TJ stood with one arm in the sleeve of the shirt he’d tugged from the dresser, watching Jack leave the room. He listened to the familiar sounds as Jack gathered his things and let himself out of the apartment with a “Be right back.”

TJ thought about the short months they’d been together, deeply emotional and frightened at first, and slowly yet rapidly turning to comfortable, still very emotional, and uncharacteristically settled. TJ lazily pulled on clothes as he walked from the bedroom to the piano, motivated by this snapshot of emotions. By the time he was seated at the piano, he had a pair of jeans and a red t-shirt on, he turned on the recording equipment – a far sight more upscale than his original phone-and-app – and started to play.

He was so involved in what he was doing that the key in the lock, the “I’m back.” And the muted sounds from the kitchen floated over and around him unnoticed.

Jack heard the unfamiliar melody as he opened the door and called out. Inside the apartment, Jack juggled the grocery bags and coffee cups while distractedly watching TJ engaged in the action of playing the notes. He set the coffee cups on the table by the door, and continued to watch TJ as he carried the bags across the apartment, to the kitchenette.

TJ looked as though he were in his own world. Not wanting to disturb the process, Jack worked on preparing and cooking breakfast, thinking about the months they’d been together, and hoping that the coming weekend getaway worked out more to their advantage than the last time they’d been in the penthouse, or in Gilboa together. He could just about imagine a drama-free weekend and he was more than ready for it.

Jack liked the sound of what TJ was playing, he found it soothing and a little emotional. Once the food was ready, Jack plated it and stepped up behind TJ, placing firm hands on TJ’s shoulders and squeezing lightly. TJ stopped and looked over his shoulder, “You’re home.”

“Home and done cooking. I liked that, a lot TJ. The purity of the melody, the warmth of the notes, it really is outstanding.”

“Wow.” TJ put his hand on Jack’s, nearly stunned speechless by the depth of emotion behind the praise. “Wow, thank you Jack.”

Jack kissed TJ’s temple, “Break for food? I could listen to that all day, but I don’t want you passing out from hunger.”

“Smart. Good thinking.” TJ closed his eyes, savoring Jack’s closeness after being separated for the week, “Ok, food.”

“You ok?”

“I just want to blow this off and sit on the couch with you and do nothing all day. I can’t though, so breakfast.”

“I’ll hang out here and listen, if that’s any consolation. The chair’s close. You can practically touch it.”

“I'm such a girl.” TJ laughed, uncomfortably.

“You stop. I want you to think about something. Any time you feel a complaint about yourself bubbling to the surface, imagine what you’d tell James if he were having doubts or feeling self-conscious.”

“Who’s been reading psychology books while he was away?”

“I had a lot of time to read on the plane.”

“Seriously? With Janie there?” TJ was only half teasing. Janie was talkative and even more so when nervous or excited.

“She had Steve to keep her busy, they talked about pop culture, ideas for him to take Millie out on dates, to tell the truth, I listened to that, he’s new to the era, but I’m new to the state. It’s all the same at that point.”

“I’m glad she had someone to distract her. I’ll take your advice too, Jack. I wasn’t making light of it.”

“I know, I didn’t think you were. Come on, food… your breakfast will get cold while you apologize for nothing.”

…

TJ sent Simon what he’d come up with so far, and said “If I’m further inspired, I’ll let you know.”

He wasn’t. He was motivated to sit on the sofa with Jack and watch movies. “I’m not doing too well at working today.” TJ complained.

“You’re researching. You’re watching movies, musicals, you’re refreshing yourself with the musical culture. I say it counts. Besides, Simon has been silent since you sent that, which means he was inspired and is in the zone himself, or he hated it and is making notes and drawing more inspirational sketches for you.”

“Seriously? “Hated it”?” TJ slugged Jack’s thigh. “You’re such an ass.”

“Nobody in their right mind would hate that. I hate that you shared it with Simon, I wanted to hoard it for myself.” Jack said, scooting closer to TJ. “Quiet Hammond, we’re watching a movie.”


	56. Chapter 56

Janie slipped out of Bucky’s bed, tiptoeing through the apartment, to the bathroom. She thought about returning to Bucky and waking him as she brushed her teeth. She reconsidered and slipped quietly into the kitchen to start coffee. She took the chance that her less than stealthy escape wasn’t a distraction, nor cause for alarm to the two super soldiers. She peeked beneath a towel draped over a pillowy promise of something good. She grinned and pulled the towel off the pan of cinnamon roll dough. She preheated the oven. If she got lucky, the aroma would be the thing to wake the apartment, and not her muted kitchen noises.

While the oven preheated, Janie made the coffee, little clinks from the French press and the rush of water causing her to look at the two bedroom doors and shush inanimate objects.

 

She thought about last night, the drive to Brooklyn with Steve had been peaceful, both of them were tired, she watched Steve fiddling with his phone, but didn’t strain, or move really, to see the activity he was preoccupying himself with. He looked up to see her gawking at him all the same. “What?” he’d ginned.

“Nothing. I’m just watching your hands honestly. I don’t know, I’m tired. I slept forever, and I’m tired.”

“I know the feeling. I think the week has caught up with us. I can deal with a lot of physical shit, but the politics are just _not me_. I was just texting Millie.”

“I didn’t ask.” Janie said with a bashful smile.

“No, I know you get everyone else’s problems all the time Janie, If you don’t want me to talk to you about it…”

“Steve, are you honestly going to sit there and think that I’m here for everyone _except_ for you?”

“I just don’t want to add…” He stopped with the look she’d given him and sighed, “I like her. She’s not just a waitress, you know?”

“None of us is _just_ anything Steve.”

“She’s working her way through school, started late, she’s not – she’s not a kid.”

“Steve, I know. Does it feel like she is to you? I mean you’re not exactly 97 years old. Technically you’re both 97 and thirtysomething. I’ve met Millie, remember? I think she’s fantastic.”

“She’s the first person I thought I could trust since Peggy. I mean with my feelings. She – Millie is – refreshing. I can’t talk to Buck about this because he’s just been championing me _not being alone_. Natasha’s always trying to set me up with someone, also championing the cause. I think Sam would just say ‘whatever makes you happy’.”

"You said "thought you could trust". Wanna talk about it?" Janie offered.

Steve smiled, then looked out the window, “I haven’t had time to process the latest information. She’s been keeping something from me, and I’m so _tired_ of people keeping things from me.”

“Some details aren’t yours to have. What could she tell you that would be so disconcerting?”

“She has a daughter.”

Janie paused, thinking about the revelation and her own experience, “Well, I’m sure she waited for a good reason, like fear of rejection? Maybe she was nervous that you’d run away. Guys do that. Even guys who are the actual father. I have a job because of that reason among the many others.”

“I know. I understand, I do.”

“You want to, you mean. You don’t or you wouldn’t have that worry line right here.” Janie smoothed the wrinkle between his brows, “You want to understand, but let me tell you. She’s proud of and in love with her daughter, or she wouldn’t be protecting the child. If the girl is of an age where she’d get attached to you, her mother is going to protect her from the relationship falling apart, by waiting until it’s more firmly established. Millie’s young enough to be attracted to beautiful men who might not have the best track record, so maybe she’s told other interests that she’s a mom and they bolted. Maybe she wanted to keep her daughter from press and the limelight of Captain America. Does her revelation – your feelings about trust aside – have any bearing on your past dates with Millie?”

“No.”

“Do you want to be like other men and dump her because she has a kid – or for your more noble cause “trust” even though it’ll read as though it is because she’s a mother?”

“You’re brutal.” Steve smiled softly at Janie, taking her hand. “I like that. You’re telling me that it’s her choice when and where she tells me, and I’m lucky she decided to share at all, aren’t you?”

“I’m telling you exactly that Captain.”

The car pulled in front of the apartment under the dark night sky. They hurried up to Steve and Bucky’s floor, and Bucky had met them at the door. He took Janie’s bags and set them aside, before hefting her in a big bear hug. “I missed you.” he’d growled into her neck.

Janie laughed, “I’ve missed you too. I hope it’s ok that I’m crashing here unannounced.”

“You texted, that’s good enough. Come in and tell me all about your princess experience.”

“I think you should have come. You’d have been so dashing Bucky.” Janie kissed his cheek. “I didn’t spill or fall, I didn’t trip anyone or swear too loudly. I wore an amazing dress that I’ll never wear again. It was fun.”

Steve took Janie’s bag into Bucky’s room and came out, “She was amazing. Simply beautiful, and graceful.”

“Did you get him out on the dancefloor?” Bucky asked, finally releasing his hold on Janie.

“I did. He’s good.”

“I shoulda gone. I’ll never see that again.” Bucky joked.

“You will, this weekend. We’re going out. Finally.”

“Oh that’s right, TJ mentioned that was this week. Were he and Jack going to take a break from their weekend getaway?” Bucky asked, sitting on the couch.

“Yes. The club isn’t far from the penthouse, so they’re going to be able to make it. If you’re not ok with it we can reschedule.” Janie said, sinking into the cushion next to Bucky.

“I’m ok with it. It sounds like a lot of fun, in a country I’m more comfortable in.”

“Will you two be dressing retro? Or keeping it modern?”

“Steve?”

“I don’t know…” Steve hesitated. Do you think you’re up for that?”

“Hell yeah.” Bucky said. “I’m not gonna put on the uniform, but I’ll damned sure pull out some high style.”

“Where’d you get your hands on 1940’s high style?”

“Vintage shop not far from here.” Bucky grinned. “I doubt they have anything to fit your giant frame.”

“Cut it out.” Steve yawned. “I’m going to bed. Night you two. Thank you Janie.”

“You’re welcome. Night Steve, thanks for everything.” Janie waved from her spot on the cushion, as she curled into Bucky’s arms. “Did you really buy vintage clothes?”

“I did, wanna see?”

Janie tugged Bucky’s arm, “I do wanna see, tomorrow. I just want to spend the remaining time that I’m awake hanging onto you.”

“Ok, then what was that ‘thank you/any time stuff’ about?”

“We were talking on the drive here, Steve and Millie stuff. We got here before he had a chance to think about what I said, I think that was his way of saying I am right.”

“Ok.” Bucky laughed, “It’s all you’re gonna get from him if that’s the case. I, on the other hand, am convinced you’re right. Should we head to bed?”

“Yeah, might as well both get comfy.” Janie’s voice was almost muffled from pressing her cheek against Bucky’s bicep.

They had lazily made out until he tucked her hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek, telling her “I’m glad you came here tonight.  Sleep sweet.” She couldn't remember if she’d responded, she’d felt warm, protected, and equally happy that this was where she’d ended up.

 

Janie put the pan of cinnamon rolls into the oven, and pulled out some bacon and eggs, deciding to try to fix breakfast before Bucky came in and reclaimed his kitchen. She almost made it.

Bucky opened his eyes, twitching his nose to an unexplained familiar fragrance. He rolled over, to put his arm over Janie and figured out the reason behind the inviting scent. He lay spread across the bed, on his stomach, “well I guess I should get up.” He told the sheet. He thought about how much better sleeping with Janie was than sleeping alone. She ended the night with kisses, that was always good. There were the nights where they ended the night with lazy sex. That was _always_ good. She never started the day with food. _That_ was different.

Bucky sat up on the edge of the bed, brushing hair out of his face, it was getting long again. He hadn’t been able to decide if he wanted it long or short, so it was in this weird middle place. He stood up and stretched, looking out his window. Brooklyn. Home. The nightmares and the day terrors were almost tolerable when he could look at this view and make a choice whether or not to let them control him. He hadn’t had one since the middle of the previous week.

He’d been so glad TJ had come to stay. If he was being honest with himself, he should have called TJ on Wednesday when he’d woken up in a cold sweat and puked his guts out. He’d have packed the bedding into the laundry and called and said “come early, prepare to not sleep, we got things to do, you and me”. But he didn’t. He’d thought he had to tough it out, which, looking back, was a pretty stupid assumption. Sighing, Bucky  turned toward the door, following the aroma.

He felt his frown dissolve when he saw Janie in the kitchen. She had her back to him, her red curls, lighter than he remembered, cascading over her shoulders and down her back. She was wearing shorts and a lace-edged top and was busy tending to something on the stove. Bacon. He could also smell the rolls he’d made the night before. They were nearly done.

“Mornin.” He quietly said just before he slipped an arm around her waist. Conscious of being snuck up on himself, he was careful not to make the same mistake with others. In this case, if only because he didn’t want her to burn herself over the bacon, or bean him with the skillet.

“Hey.” She said sweetly, setting the utensil down and turning in his arms. “Morning to you. I was trying not to wake anyone yet.

“Smells too good.” Bucky buried his face in her neck, nuzzling and kissing her behind the ear. "You smell pretty good too.”

“Stop that, kiss me like a normal person.”

“This isn’t normal?” Bucky asked, nipping her earlobe. “I’m not either doll.” He put his cool metal hand on her cheek.

“No. You’re not. You’re something else already. Do I have to do it myself?” Janie guided his face away from her neck, looking at him with a grin. “I said kiss me.”

Bucky threaded his fingers into her silky curls and claimed her pouty lip between his teeth, Janie’s tongue darted over the spot and tickled his lip, she tasted of bacon and faintly of mint. He kissed her tenderly, lazily, holding onto her curls in one hand, with his arm banded around her waist. She molded her body to his, returning his kisses, a little more demandingly. He smiled as he pulled away reluctantly. “The rolls are done.”

“You’re impossible.” She grinned, tightening her arms around his waist.

“Steve’s awake.” He added. “I heard him.”

“Ok, fine. You know? Maybe freeing up my apartment won’t be as horrible as I’ve been imagining it to be.” Janie let her arms slowly drop. She turned back to the stove to pull the rolls out of the oven, and Bucky moved to the fridge to pull out the icing he’d made.

“You know what? I like waking up and having you here. I wouldn’t mind finding out what it was like on the other end too.”

“With buffer days, so you don’t get sick of me.” Janie smiled, watching him drop icing on top of each roll, and watching the icing melt over the tops of the sweet-smelling pastry.

“I can’t say I’d get sick of you. Maybe you’d get sick of me?”

“I’m sick of both of you.” Steve yawned. “unless one of you gives me coffee and the other gives me whatever else smells so good.”

“You’re in luck. Coffee’s right in front of you, do you need me to pour it for you _Captain_?” Janie teased.

“No, this is enough. I’m kind of over being waited on. I’m just glad _you’re_ willing to share.”

“You’re still sore about that?” Janie asked, plating eggs and bacon, and handing the plate to Bucky for a roll.

“I’m working on it.”

“So she has a daughter. Are you more nervous about meeting her? Or are you getting ready to run?”

“Wait. Millie has a daughter?” Bucky asked, pulling the plate back from Steve.

Steve took the plate, “Yeah, she sent the info over text because she was upset about keeping it from me and scared to face me.”

“Ok, not ideal, but you know what? I’ve got anxiety, and Janie here does, and sometimes just communicating is hard. Millie found a way to do it. Too many people vilify others for chickening out, or taking the ‘easy way’, but then those same people complain about how others don’t communicate.”

“You’re right,” Steve allowed before biting into the warm cinnamon roll. “God Buck, this is good. Ok, so I am nervous about meeting the kid. I’m not excited to see Millie after the way I took her news, because I feel like an ass.”

“Good start Steve. _Were you_ an ass? What did you say?” Bucky asked, carrying his plate and coffee to the table. Steve followed, still cutting into the cinnamon roll as he walked.

“I said it was a surprise. I didn’t say it was ok, or not ok, because I wasn’t ok with the secret. Your talk helped that. What do I do?”

“Ask her if she wants to introduce the two of you.” Janie answered, sitting across from Bucky, next to Steve. “If she says yes, no grand gestures. In fact, don’t make any plans for it, instead, let Millie decide how the introduction should go. Guys who do care and who do want to be involved, sometimes they go overboard, and a big day doing something insane, like Coney Island or something is better for another time. She might want to just bring her by the diner or the book store. She might want to meet on a walk somewhere. Let Millie decide how safe she needs to feel, and how safe she needs her daughter to feel. You’re already likable, no need to oversell it.”

“Is this from your education and training? Or from personal experience?” Bucky asked.

“I was the kid on dates. Before Mom met Dad, _she_ would tell them on the first date so she could decide whether or not they were worth getting to know, but I can understand how Millie got caught up in knowing you first though, so maybe this isn’t her general practice, you did pursue her in the most endearing, and old-fashioned way. Maybe she was caught up before the first date and she couldn’t figure out how to bring it up by then.

“Anyhow, the guys would always make some grand gesture toward me, to get me to like them. It impressed me, but not mom. Plenty of nice guys were sifted through based on their elaborate first kid-date plans.

“Dad asked her if we could walk along the boardwalk and just talk, the three of us. She said yes, worried that “boardwalk” meant “we’re going to go do something crazy” but it was just that. He asked her while I was at the drinking fountain – out of earshot – after the short ‘date’ was well underway, if we could get an ice cream cone. That was it. The end of the elaborate set ups, the end of mom’s worries about someone trying to get to her through impressing me. Dad’s always been “Dad” to me.”

“Sounds like sound advice Stevie.”

“Dad. That’s another thing.”

“You plannin’ to ask her to marry you right away?” Janie asked. “Sure, if you’re into her and want to be with her, you have to have it in the back of your mind, but she’s not shopping for a dad. The kid probably has one. You can be Steve. Be Steve all day every day. Make a new friend. I wasn’t giving you “how to become instant-dad” advice, I was telling you how to keep the cute girl you smile and blush over in your life.”

“and the pies in mine.” Bucky said around a bite of cinnamon roll. “Don’t forget the pies.”

“You’re a baker.” Janie pushed her toes against Bucky’s calf.

“Good pie is good pie Janie.”

Steve laughed, picking up his coffee and taking his plate to the sink. “Thanks for breakfast, I’m going to see if Millie’s still talking to me.”

“Good choice Steven.” Janie called after him, then to Bucky, as she slipped her toes beneath his pajama pants, “You’re a goof.”

“I know.” Bucky smiled, cocking his head. “You like it though. You think he’ll bring home pie?”

“Stop it with the pie.” Janie giggled. “These are good rolls Bucky. Stress baking?”

“Less stress after TJ came. I had a bad night last week. It wasn’t pretty, and I just focused on when someone would be here, to keep the bad shit at bay. I think I’m going to go meet Jack’s therapist. TJ says he’s really happy with her, she’s not going to like havin me as a patient.”

“She’ll _love it_. She’s going to question her schooling.” Janie reached across the table, her teasing tone was counter to the tenderness of her touch. “I think it’s great. You know I do.”

“I’m terrified. Is that normal? I mean I’m supposed to be _scary_ not scared.”

“You’re not supposed to be scary. That’s what _they_ wanted from you. You’re supposed to be _you_. Whatever version of James Barnes you are now, that’s what you’re supposed to be. So, yes, to be terrified of digging in and finding out who you are, and how to be the best version _is normal_. I promise you, you’ve got a support system in place. You come out of that meeting and say she’s not the one? You can talk to TJ’s or I can find some references. You’re _not alone_.”

“I know, even TJ told me those things, you’ve trained him well.”

“No, TJ’s secret is he’s not just a great musician, he’s an empath.”

“Do you believe in that?”

“Hell yeah. I can believe in the idea of empathic sensitivity, if people can be recreated into super soldiers who can survive being cryogenically preserved.” Janie got up from the table and collected their dishes. “So, work today?”

“Not til noon. You wanna make out?”

“Wanna fool around?” Janie countered, scraping the plates and loading dishes into the dishwasher, while she watched his features change.

“Hell yeah.” Bucky grinned, crossing the space and grabbing Janie from behind, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and waist, kissing the back of her neck. “Should we be obvious and do it right here? Or would my bedroom be better?”

“Bucky…” Janie brought her fingers up to Bucky’s face. “Quiet, he’ll hear.”

“Baby, he’s tuning us out already, if he came out of the room, he’d avoid us and make for the door.” Bucky nibbled Janie’s neck. “But I’m a gentleman. I think.”

Janie pushed the dishwasher door closed and turned to face Bucky. Putting her hands on his cheeks, she patted them sweetly, “You’re a gentleman. Come on handsome.”

Bucky let Janie lead him into the bedroom, where he pinned her to the door with a deep kiss that curled her toes. His hand moved over her curls and down her arm, to rest on the side of her breast, his fingers were warm where the tank top exposed her skin. The lace under his palm felt rough in comparison.

Janie hurriedly pushed her shorts down over her hips and stepped out of them. She pushed Bucky’s pajama pants down til they perched on the curve of his ass, just before his metal arm latched around her waist. He hoisted her up and she wrapped her legs around his hips, not breaking the kiss that was searing her from the inside. She groaned his name when he trailed his fingers over the curve of her breast, molding it in his hand over the gauzy cotton of her top. Janie arched into him at the sensation. She put her hands on his shoulders, certain he wouldn’t let her fall, not with the band of metal across her back and the solid door behind her, Janie pulled away from the kiss, making eye contact as she rocked her hips against his.

His smile was wicked as he watched her, he loved the way desire burned her cheeks and glistened in her eyes almost as much as he loved the way she knew how to inflame his own passion.

 

The flood of heat that engulfed Janie was compounded by the intense realization that if Steve was still in the apartment, he had not only heard their sharp and dull thuds against the door as elbows and flesh beat against its resistance, he probably heard every naughty word she uttered, and every wanton thing that she cried out. She buried her face in Bucky’s neck as he gently untucked her legs from his hips, and set her down.

“What?” Bucky grinned.

“That was a-fucking-mazing. and I really don’t want to know if Steve got off in the other room to our adventures.”

Bucky’s laugh was pure joy, and she couldn’t help but smile, even though she punched his shoulder. Making the mistake she _always_ made, by punching the left shoulder. “Dammit, dammit.” She laughed. “How can I keep forgetting that.”

He laughed at Janie some more, taking her soft hand in his, and kissing the fingers that so often were abused by her forgetfulness. “I’m glad you can forget. I like being able to be normal sometimes.” He looked up from under his long hair and lashes. “Can I ask a favor?”

“You never have to ask that. Favors are free for the taking.” Janie kissed the tip of Bucky’s nose.

“Would you trim my hair? I haven’t had a chance to have Steve get to it, and I’m not sure I’m ready for a barber’s chair. Oh I wish that hadn’t been stolen from me.” He said as an afterthought.

“Well, you’ll be ready someday. Meanwhile, you know I used to do hair, I’m happy to do it. Do either of you have a decent set of clippers and scissors? Are clippers ok?”

“Clippers are fine. Steve probably has the kit if it’s not in the bathroom.” Bucky grinned as she tugged the hair at the sides of his ears.

“How short?”

“Short like it was when we met maybe?”

“Sides? A little longer up here – not quite like TJ’s but maybe a sweet undercut.” Janie slid her hands along the sides of his head and Bucky’s hands glided down over Janie’s cotton top, stopping to grab her ass.

“Part of me still feels a little naughty doing that.” Bucky laughed when she kissed him. “Grabbing asses is not gentlemanly.”

“In the bedroom, the constraints of a gentleperson can be loosened, or discarded. Whatever you’re comfortable with, as always.”

Bucky slid his fingers up Janie’s back, and over her belly beneath the fabric. Their gazes locked while he held her breasts and her fingers continued to play through his hair. He could hole up with this woman for a decade doing not much more than this, and be damned happy. Janie looked away first, licking her lips while staring at his.

She could only imagine deserving him, her history with men, and women if anyone were to ask, wasn’t incredibly bright. Her best male relationship had been with TJ. Of her two girlfriends, one had been emotionally abusive, the other not ready for Janie to be drug free, and there was a string of men she couldn’t settle down with, either because she was “too needy” or “a buzzkill”. All of this had made her judge herself harshly. Something her own therapist had told her was not healthy.

Bucky saw the moment the mood started to deviate, and he tenderly claimed her lips. “You’re done with me aren’t you?” he asked against the softness of her cheek.

“No. I’m not. Kiss me again.” Janie pouted, “I was just making myself crazy. Do I deserve you Bucky?”

“What have you done to deserve me?” he teased.

“I’ve never gotten this far in a relationship, I’ve never felt like this before. I thought I did. Did I ever tell you I had a girlfriend?”

“A girlfriend as in?”

“Well, two really. Girlfriends, as in I’ve been intimate with a handful of women. There were a few nights when I was high, and I did pretty much everything with other gals and guys, and after I was clean, I had two girlfriends.” She waited for the hurt, betrayed, and bewildered look, but it never came. “I like it, love women, but I lean toward men. Anyway, my longest relationships were with the two different girlfriends. Before you, I’ve only had rough starts with guys. They either think I’m too much or too little, and – well – Bucky I really like you.”

“You could never be too little anything Janie. I _really_ like you Janie. I really, really…” Bucky paused, slowly moving his hands down her torso before pulling them out from beneath her top, he put each hand on either side of her neck, rubbing his thumbs over her jaw, “I’ve fallen in love with you Janie.”

Janie pushed Bucky over on the bed, straddling his ribs, kissing him, and laughing, “Bucky, I love you too, I was so afraid my little confession would chase you away.”

“Why would who you are chase me away when I love who you are? Not even having a kid would keep me from loving you – you don’t do you? I mean you’d say something in light of the Baby James conversations we’ve had, right?”

“I’m bisexual and childless.” Janie laughed, as she kissed Bucky again playfully. “and I love you.”

Bucky put his hands on Janie’s waist, holding her, feeling her skin as her thighs slid over his skin where his shirt had hiked up. “I love you, and I really love the way your skin makes me feel all hot and naughty.”

“Priorities sir, you’re a shopkeeper. You don’t have a lot of time between now and your shift, haircut? Or sex?”

“Sex. You can cut my hair another time.”

“Tomorrow. I’d say after you’re done at work, but TJ’s promised hang-time. You’ll be there won’t you? It’s just the three of us and movies or games at home.”

“Can I sleep over?”

“You can sleep over.” Janie kissed Bucky, “Absolutely.”


	57. Chapter 57

Janie walked Bucky to the bookstore, kissing him goodbye. She offered to send a car to bring him across town, but he declined. “I’ve got it covered.” He said as he waved to her. “You use the car TJ & Jack sent and get home safely.”

“I think I’m going down to that vintage shop first. You never showed me what you got. I guess I’ll have to be dazzled on the day of.”

“I guess you will.” Bucky grinned. “Have fun Janie, I’ll see you tonight.”

She nearly skipped down the road to the shop with the cute awning and the even cuter window. Stepping inside, Janie embraced her inner grandma. She breathed in the scent of history, and textiles, grinning at the soft scratch coming through the speakers as the vinyl played Billie Holiday.

She ran her fingers over the soft weathered leather of a purse on a shelf and backed carefully away, turning in the tight space, toward the more vintage clothes. She stooped to see a pair of shoes that were perched on an old, wooden stool, and when she stood up, she bumped into someone behind her. “I’m so sorry,”

“I’m sorry.”

“Steve! Oh my goodness.” Thoughts of the morning colored her cheeks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”

Steve grinned, “Buck’s at the shop?”

“Yeah, I thought I’d come see if there was anything for Friday night. I guess you did too?”

“I want to prove that jerk wrong.” Steve said with a smile. “I talked to Millie, thank you for helping me over that hurdle. You were right and I was just being stubborn.”

“Hmm. Bucky’s wrong. He said you’d never admit it.” Janie smiled. “That jacket looks wonderful, have you tried it on?”

“No, I wasn’t sure… it’s harder than I thought to be surrounded by this stuff.” Steve pinched the lapel of a woman’s WAC uniform jacket. “So hard Janie.”

“I’m sorry. You know you don’t have to do the dress thing. Bucky’s a nerd.”

“I want to.” Steve stopped. “It’s daunting, would you help me see if we can find something?”

“I would love to. If it’s not too hard, will you give me a little nudge in the right direction too?”

“I’ll try. I’m not really one to ask about women’s fashion.”

“Don’t be silly, you’re an artist. You must have sketched dozens of girls in twirling skirts, and you must have a vague idea what shoes are right. It doesn’t have to be runway ready, just an idea of what I should look at, and what I should avoid.”

“Ok.” Steve smiled, “You’ve got an assistant.”

“Great. What do you suggest?” Janie gestured the small space. There were mannequin busts and dress forms suspended from the ceiling with blouses, skirts and dresses, and there were hangers on spiral tower racks with more dresses.

Steve touched the soft fabric of one dress, it felt softer than he remembered. Timeworn, aged. The sunny yellow with tiny flowers made him smile. It reminded him of his mother, and sunny summer afternoons. “Do you have an aversion to yellow?” he asked.

“No, I love yellow. How do you think yellow would suit me?”

“With your hair and eyes, and your complexion, I think it would be stunning. Let’s see what the dress itself looks like.” Steve pulled the hanger from the chrome rack. “The shoes you have in your hand, do they fit?”

“I don’t know. It would be too good to be true if they did, we can’t possibly find a dress and shoes at the same shop and have them fit.”

“Well.” Steve smiled, “If they don’t, you have an idea what to look for.”

Janie slipped her sneaker off and sized the shoe up to her foot before giving it a shot. She loved them, and had already hoped they would fit. She put her toes in, and fastened the buckle with a squeal. “They fit!” she grinned at Steve.

He had to admit, with her cropped pants, the shoes looked good. “You could wear them any time.”

“Nah, you think?”

“I think. What about the dress?”

“Steve, I think that dress is amazing. Let’s hold onto it and see if I find more things I can’t live without, I could try them all on at the same time. Meanwhile – what about you?”

“Me.” Steve said, thinking, looking around. “What if Bucky’s right? I went from smaller than anybody to bigger than everybody.”

“Bucky’s a smartass. What about this?” Janie pointed at a mannequin in a simple shirt with fishtail trousers and suspenders. “These trousers would really look good over your hips. You musta been something to see. You could wear a coat or not. I mean you’ll be dancing so it’ll be off more than on, plus, nobody’s gonna grade us on missing pieces, we’re out to have fun.”

“You know? I don’t think I ever wore something that wasn’t a uniform back then, not like this.” Steve heard the record change to The Andrews Sisters.

“Are you finding everything ok?” The hipster looking guy who’d nodded and smiled over a book when Janie came in asked.

“I’m having more luck than I ever expected. I just hope it overflows to my friend here.” Janie said. Do you have a jacket that would work with these trousers? and these shoulders and pecs?”

Steve blushed, looking at the ceiling instead of Janie, the mannequin, or the clerk.

“Swing club, right?”

“Yeah, I’m sure you know the routine.”

“Wait a minute!” The guy said, obviously recognizing Steve, “Holy shit. Um, I mean, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not a problem.”

“You see, my friend here, he lost all his luggage in a disastrous flight, not a stitch to be had, and his 40’s collection was lost to the sea.” Janie teased. “So, he needs to be dressed, only for one occasion, mind you. Me on the other hand? I could probably wear a dress a day. Would you help me dress him? Obviously,” Janie looked at Steve, “I don’t mean _literally_. But you have a better idea what you have in the store.”

“Janie.” Steve rolled his eyes.

“Steve?” Janie grinned back.

“I think I have two jackets – neither one is quite the right color for those pants, but I might have another, similar pair.”

“Yeah, those shoulders, and pecs, are priority. We can work on the pants once we’ve got those covered.”

“I’m beginning to regret that I agreed to help you – or asked you to help me for that matter.” Steve complained.

“I know. It usually works like that.” Janie tossed her hair over her shoulder and turned to the dress rack. “by the way, Bucky told me he loves me.”

“I’d be a hypocrite if I said “it’s about time” wouldn’t I?”

“No, of course not. You’d be _accurate_. I told him I love him too.”

“I should hope so, since you do.” Steve said, looking at Janie and not at the clothes surrounding him, that were fashions from eras he’d read about in books after waking, suits like those that maybe Peggy wore, dresses he could remember his and Bucky’s moms wearing, and Peggy, and all of the girls he’d known through Bucky. “I talked to Millie. Saturday, we’ll go for a walk.”

Janie saw the complex emotions that had Steve clenching and unclenching his fist. “Is this store too much Steve?” she asked as she took his arm in her hands.

“It’s a lot.” He said, forcing himself to ignore welling tears. The clerk came back with two jackets, and Steve pulled the sleeve of one over his arm. Janie helped him get the jacket on, and smoothed the lapel after he fastened a button.

“You look perfect.” Janie smiled, holding up the pair of trousers, “I think these just might fit. If they’re too big, give ’em to Bucky. If he keeps eating pie like he does, he’ll fit into ‘em eventually. I’ll finish up on my own and let you make a break for it. Let me ring up your things, I’ll have Bucky take them home with him. You can pay me back later. Go, get out of here before you swoon.”

“Thanks Janie. I really do like the yellow.”

“You think Bucky will?” she asked with a smile.

“I know he will.” Steve hesitated before turning to leave. “Janie? I mean it, thank you.”

“Always.” She smiled, wondering how it had to feel for him, and thinking about how it might have been different for Bucky. He’d seemed to enjoy it, but maybe it was a comforting way to introduce memories for Bucky, where Steve’s were so vivid, that it was too much of everyone he loved, and not in a nice, nostalgic way. She sighed, hoping Millie could be the modern touch that grounded Steve Rogers, or at least gave him a good stepping stone to the next. Really liking someone didn’t have to equal loving them every time.

“Hey, so?” Janie approached the clerk again, “I’ll get these. I’d like to try a couple of dresses, but two of them are up there.”

He looked where she pointed, “Ok, good choices.”

“I’m sorry, I would pick the ones you need a ladder for.”

“Make it up to me, pick out two to replace them with while I’m up there.”

“Seriously? Ok. You’re trusting me… I like it.”

“You’re dating Captain America huh?”

Janie laughed, watching the slender guy climb the ladder. “No, I’m dating The Winter Soldier, actually. Captain America’s just a good friend.”

“I read about Sergeant Barnes, something about President Barrish granting him immunity and working to defend him somehow. He’s ok right? Not all murdery?”

“He’s not murdery.” Janie smiled, pulling a sky blue dress from the spiral clothing rack. She also picked a pretty red one and handed them up to him, in trade for the ones she wanted to try. “Is the changing room open? Or do I need a key?”

“It’s open. If it’s not, let me know and I’ll get it for you.”

“Ok, be careful up there.” Janie said, walking around the ladder. She really hoped the yellow Steve had seemed so pleased with would fit, but if she were being honest, she kinda wanted all four that she’d found. The two from the rafters, the yellow, and a beige number with pleats and princess seams. She wanted them all, and was excited that the shoes, which she still had on her feet, fit and would go so adorably with each dress.

“Miss? I found something you might like, I’ll leave it on the door.” The young man called out. She looked up to see an olive blouse and a pair of brown, high-waisted pants.

“You’re perfect, you know that don’t you?”

“Tell that to my boyfriend.” He laughed. “Tyler would get a kick out of that.”

“Tyler? Did you know Brooklyn is a tiny little small town where everyone I know, knows everyone else?”

“No. Yes Tyler. I mean it’s not uncommon, but who do you know that knows Tyler?”

“I don’t even know if it’s the same guy, he’s a musician who lives around here. He’s invited my boyfriend to come by and jam with his band. Bucky’s still a bit nervous about his playing, I think he wants to go though.” Janie talked as she slipped into the yellow dress, saying a little mantra in hopes that it would fit.

“The guy at the bookstore? You’re right, Brooklyn just shrunk to unreal proportions. Tyler’s gonna flip when he hears that the guy he’s been trying to recruit is – well – who he is.”

“I take it you’re not the only one who works here. He was in sometime this last week, bought something – I haven’t seen it yet.” Janie smoothed the dress over her waist and hips, swishing the skirt a little before straightening the sleeves and the collar. “What’s your name? OR should I call you Tyler’s Boyfriend?”

“Adam.”

“Well, Adam. Can I ask your opinion?”

“Sure. I mean…”

Janie stepped out of the changing room, “Do you think the yellow’s ok?”

“That looks amazing on you. Perfect choice with the shoes too. You look stunning. Do you think you’ll get a lot of dancing in with the combination?”

“The shoes seem comfortable enough, I’ve been wearing them since Steve left, and the dress, I love the feel of the fabric, and the skirt will be great for dancing. I think the sleeves allow for enough movement?”

“May I?” Adam came around Janie, “I’m not getting fresh, I promise.”

“Good, you know who my boyfriend is.” She smiled sweetly, as Adam put his hands on her shoulders at the sleeves, and checked the seams.

“Arms out, in front of you, let’s see if the seams bind at all.”

“Do you dance Adam?”

“I haven’t in a long time, but I know what I’m looking for in this case. It doesn’t look like there’s any problem. Does it feel comfortable across here?” He traced the line across her back near her shoulder blades.

“It does, not tight.”

“Good, It wouldn’t be terribly embarrassing if you had a rip, as long as you carry a cardigan, but it would be disappointing.”

“You’re right Adam. Thank you.”

“I hope you’ll let me see the trousers and blouse. I think they’ll be perfect for your height and if you don’t love the blouse, there’s another one that was my second choice.”

“So, how is it we live in this crowded metropolis and yet our boyfriends know each other?” Janie asked from the changing room.

“Because we’re all a little artsy?” Adam asked in reply, “I mean Tyler’s nose is in a book when he’s not playing music. Your boyfriend works in a bookstore, and you must like this kind of thing or you’d go out dancing somewhere else, or just wear something fit for any club.”

“I do love this kind of thing, the whole outing was my idea. I just got lucky that the two guys who could have a problem with it are open to it.” Janie said, stepping into the trousers. ‘at least I hope Steve’s still ok with it’, she thought as she fastened the side buttons on the high-waist pants. “You’re right, the olive is really nice with this. I could wear this to the office easily.”

Adam looked up as she came out, “Yes, you could.” He nodded approvingly. “You could wear just about anything in here. You’d be great as a model for this stuff. Oh, geez I’m sorry. You probably hear that kind of thing and just cringe.”

“If it’s some guy approaching me on the street with his “hey I’m a producer, casting director, photographer” garbage, then yeah. What you said was actually in context Adam. I’ll politely decline, if you're offering. and I’ll probably go home and tell my friends just how sweet it was. Thank you.”

“I’m not a great salesman, but you seem to be the right size for things, I’m glad you took my advice. Oh, and there are a couple more pairs of shoes over here, if you’re still open to suggestion.”

“You’re turning out to be quite a salesman Adam.” Janie laughed, “I’d love to see them. Did you hear Steve earlier, telling me I could wear these with my capris? Isn’t he adorable?”

“He’s right. Mix it up, tell everyone where you got them.” Adam said, handing Janie a pair of brown Mary Janes. “I have a teal pair of babydoll shoes too.”

“Oh?” Janie smiled, “I know this is a vintage shop, but do you know where I could sell a formal gown, used once at the Coronation of the King and Queen of Gilboa?”

“You were there?”

“I was. Just got home yesterday. My roommate is Jack Benjamin. I went with him and with Steve. Bucky wasn’t interested in such ‘frippery’.”

“If you’re not in a hurry, consignment would be a good idea. I have a few shops I could send you links to.”

“I’d like that. I’ll take all of this stuff. I haven’t been shopping in a while – other than that outrageous and gorgeous gown. I would like some variety for work, and for going out dancing. I hear Bucky used to really cut a rug, and if he likes this club, I might be able to get him to go back again.”

“I hope it works out for you. Selfishly, it could bring more business.” Adam confessed, “and of course, if you can get back to the club often, you’ll obviously be having fun.”

“I’m all for mutual beneficiaries.” Janie smiled, returning her credit card to her purse. “If you give referral discounts to customers, Bucky’s deserving, because I’ll be back, probably often. Thank you Adam!”

Janie carried her bag out and considered dropping into the bookstore before slipping into the car, but decided she’d never get away. She had a couple more errands she wanted to accomplish before heading home to the boys.

…

“You’ll never guess who I ran into…” Janie burst through the door and saw Jack peek over the couch and shush her. She saw TJ’s curls flattened against Jack’s shoulder and smiled, lowering her voice, “at the vintage shop.”

“Who?” Jack asked, as Janie came around and flopped into one of the chairs.

“Steve – and a really cute guy who is the boyfriend of another really cute guy who knows Bucky from the shop and TJ from Oakson’s office.”

“I don’t know this guy.” Jack looked at Janie, “You seem rested.”

“I had a great night with Bucky, and a fun time shopping today. I brought home snacks for whatever TJ has in mind tonight. How is he?”

“I think we’re calling it a mental health day. He missed me as much as I missed him. He fell asleep two movies ago.”

“Then you should have let me wake him.” Janie winked.

“I think he’s entitled to as much sleep as he can get. Especially since you both want to stay up all night goofing around.”

“You’re welcome to goof along with us you know. Wanna see what I found?”

“I know, and I plan to. I absolutely do, don’t you wanna wait for TJ?”

“I could, I guess. He’s ok, right?”

“Yeah, he’s fine, I encouraged him to take some down time. He dealt with his dad, in addition to work and therapy yesterday, so I encouraged his laziness. Not before he on-the-spot composed a piece and sent it to Simon.”

“Ah, and now he waits, and that’s time better spent with you anyway. I was thinking about something on the way home. Remember when I was so worried about you two? I didn’t want you to get together, because I was afraid it would be catastrophic.”

“I know. Neither of us listened, him least of all. It’s been a few short months, but they’ve been jam packed with growth, emotions, changes. I’m glad you worried, but I’m even happier we were too stubborn to listen. I love him so much Janie.”

“I know you do. You know, this thing with Simon is what he wanted all along, even though he was excited about the YouTube thing, this was what he came here for.”

“I know, I’m so proud. It came at the best time for him, too, that crap in Gilboa, this gave him something to look forward to while he recovered from the injuries. I hope Simon either teams up with him again, or that it makes it easier for him to get a foot in the right doors next time.”

“TJ’s so talented, I’m excited for his future. How about you? I noticed you and Steve sitting on the veranda drawing on more than one occasion. I’m glad you’re getting into it.”

“I think I’m finding my ‘style’. We were both talking about digital art the other day. I think as a thank you I’d like to get Steve in a course, I’m thinking about taking one as well.”

“You keep thanking him, he’s going to punch you.” Janie teased.

“I guess you’re right, but when you _can_ and _want_ to do something nice, what do you do?”

“His birthday’s coming up. At least call it a birthday present.” Janie suggested. “We’re going to do something pretty cool for his birthday. Bucky’s having all kinds of ideas.”

“Speaking of which, how’re your belated birthday plans for Bucky coming along?”

“Didn’t you know? The club we’re going to, it’s going to be to celebrate. I told TJ, I forgot I didn’t tell you. Bring presents, we’re making a big deal out of it.”

“I’m ahead of you on presents, are you sure making a spectacle will be appreciated?”

“We have our own table, we’ll do it up there, but we won’t put him on the spot or anything. No, it’s not going to be a public announcement.”

TJ was hearing the discussion through his half-sleep, soothed by Jack’s fingers in his hair and the voices of his closest friends and chosen family. TJ wasn’t sure what the discussion was about, as he rubbed his cheek on Jack’s shoulder.

“What public announcement?” TJ yawned, his eyes still closed.

“We’re talking about Bucky’s birthday celebration. Jack was worried he’d be upset about having it at the club. I promised Bucky a level of privacy, but we can still do it at the club.”

“Sure we can, as long as everyone gives gifts in the car on the way to or from. We can all buy his dinner and drinks and everything, but bringing in cake or presents will turn heads.”

“I hadn’t considered how to give  gifts, you’re a genius TJ. On the way to the party would be perfect.”

“I wouldn’t say genius, just aware. And my little gray cells have had a chance to recharge. I’m sorry I fell asleep on you Jack.”

“Don’t worry about it Kitten. I dozed a little too. Janie had a mini adventure today. She managed to put off showing me what she bought.”

“Oh no.” TJ yawned, “I’m all a twitter.”

“Shut up.” Janie fell into TJ as she flopped onto the couch, “You’re excited. You’ll be so jealous, you’ll wish you could be as pretty as me.”

“Honey, I always wish I was as pretty as you.” TJ hugged Janie. “I missed you. You don’t get to leave me when he leaves me ever again.”

“Ok. You have a deal.”

“Yeah? When he goes away can I come here to stay, even after we move out?”

“Yes baby, or I can come to your palace. I’m getting used to being pampered and stuff.”

“Ha, I won’t be pampering you.” TJ nudged his shoulder into Janie’s, “So, you up for going out for dinner tonight? We could go out, hit up a show.”

“Nope. I wanna stay home, listen to music or watch movies, or tv. I wanna binge on junk food and I want to hear all about your time without us.”

“So much for being pampered.” TJ put his head on Janie’s shoulder, “I’m kinda glad. I have this lazy thing that I’ve been cultivating today, and I kinda wanna see how far I can take it.”

“Just stay where you are then. Jack? You call and order takeout, and I’ll pick the movies.”

“She just made you buy dinner.” TJ teased Jack. “You’re a pro Janie.”

“You like how smooth that was?” Janie got up and crossed the living room. “I’m probably going to con him into making some of that truffle popcorn too.”

“I hope so, that’s good shit.” TJ stretched across the now vacant sofa. “I’m pretty sure I’m getting off the lightest.”

“You are. Are you feeling ok? You’re never this lethargic.”

“I’m fine, I’ve been pushing pretty hard while you guys were gone. I guess that and loneliness, and missing you guys just caught up with me. I’m awake though. I’ll participate.”

“As long as you’re ok. I’ll make sure you do more than participate. So, did you want to see my vintage treasures?”

“Are you dying to play dress-up?” TJ grinned.

“Yes. Hey, you can try on Steve’s things. TJ you’d look amazing in the fishtail trousers and suspenders.” Janie gathered her bags and hurried into her room.

“I don’t know Janie.” TJ called through the house after Jack ended his call.

“Seriously TJ, humor me!”

“Do you think I’m remotely close to the same size as Steve Rogers?”

“Pants, TJ. You both have skinny hips and his tiny ass, and your no-ass… just try them.” Janie sounded like she was struggling.

She came out in the yellow dress first, with the shoes Steve complimented. “OK If you hate it, Steve picked it out.”

“Janie – Janes, you look gorgeous! Are you shitting me? That’s beautiful, but on you it’s amazing.” TJ sat up, excited. “I wanna be dressed by Captain America.”

“You can dress like him, for a few minutes, the bag’s on my bed.”

“How did you end up with his clothes, Janie?” Jack asked, smiling at TJ’s newfound excitement.

“Steve was there when I got there, like I started saying when I got home – before I got completely distracted. He was overwhelmed by the clothes, the smells and the everything, so I kicked him out and I bought his clothes. I told him I’d send them home with Bucky. By the way, I invited Bucky.”

“Good.” TJ said, rushing into his and Jack’s room. “I hope he’s ready for our stupidity.”

“He did spend a weekend with you.” Janie called between the rooms.

“He’s slept with you.” TJ returned.

“Oh my god you two.” Jack groaned. “I’ll take him out and keep him away from both of you.”

“He loves her, he loves me. You’re just jealous.”

“Oh my god, Janie, what did you do to him?”

“Me? He’s spent the day with _you_.”

“He spent the weekend with your boyfriend.”

“ _He’s_ standing right here.” TJ said behind them. “and she said that already Jack.”

“Oh, so you are.” Janie smirked, “Jack, did you order enough for Bucky? Or should we add to the order?”

“We always have extras when we order, there should be enough –but if there’s not, we can always order something else later too.” Jack decided. “I mean, what’s a party without variety.”

“You have a point. Isn’t it funny how we will prepare for an excursion to somewhere – and they have everything we’re bringing? Or we order food like it’s the last we’ll see, instead of just _ordering more_.”

“Holdover from our nomadic ancestors.” TJ mumbled, as he put his arms around Jack from behind, and kissed his neck. “Did you order anything good?”

Jack covered TJ’s hands, “of course I did, I’m pretty sure I got at least one thing that was each of our favorites. Janie said she brought goodies, I didn’t hear you asking _her_ if she was thoughtful.”

“I wasn’t questioning your thoughtfulness, just your taste.” TJ grinned, nipping the ridge of Jack’s ear. “you do taste good.”

“Jesus TJ take that to the bedroom.” Janie tried her hardest to sound offended. She failed miserably, happy that they were comfortable enough to be goofy, always thrilled that Jack felt comfortable enough to be nibbled on in front of someone else.

“I’m thinking about making it a performance piece, we could make out, and maybe even _almost_ have sex on the roof and sell tickets.” TJ teased.

“You should send a warning letter ahead to the Whitehouse if you do. I’m sure they’ll want to field press calls after that.”

“Janie, you’re a genius. So, wanna make it a real spectacle? When’s the boyfriend showing up?”

“He’s got closing shift, so probably close to seven. The food will beat him here, so control yourself when it does.”

“I don’t know if I can.” TJ shook his head. “Jack, she’s making impossible demands. I can’t eat the food, I can’t nibble on you. Do something.”

“I can’t Kitten, I’m with Janie on this one. You need to control your appetite.” Jack’s fingers lingered over the softness of TJ’s knuckles, idly tracing the veins over the back of his hand. Not exactly _encouraging_ TJ to stop.

TJ kissed the warm spot on Jack’s neck, feeling his pulse on his lips. “I’m working on it.” TJ murmured lazily. He slowly dropped his arms from Jack’s waist and stepped back, “Nobody say anything about how amazing I look, that’s ok, I’m fully aware.”

Jack turned around to see TJ dressed with his own thin t-shirt tucked into the fishtail trousers from the vintage store. He looked…

“Jesus TJ.” Janie exclaimed, “You look fantastic.”

“Perfect.” Jack breathed.

“You’re both biased, but thank you.” TJ grinned, sauntering through the living room, before heading back to change into comfortable Star Wars lounge pants.

“Really TJ?” Janie wasn’t done tormenting him, apparently.

“What?”

“When did you get Star Wars jammies kid?”

“Before you guys left, Jack bought them for me.” TJ smirked, “They’re comfy.”

“Ok.” Janie grinned, “If you say so.”

“I’m glad you like them. Don’t listen to Janie.”

“I won’t, she’s just jealous.” TJ flopped back onto the sofa, “You did good shopping Janes. Everything looks perfect. We’ll have to stop in before we head to the club, maybe.”

Janie took her time changing out of the last dress she’d put on, thinking about how things were changing, wondering how they would wind up.

As predicted, the food arrived before Bucky, but only just. Jack was in the middle of unboxing everything in the kitchen when Bucky buzzed. TJ laughed at Janie’s rush to the door. “Watch out Bucky.” He called out as Janie pulled the door open.

“Watch out for what?” Bucky asked as Janie threw her arms around him.

“Just Janie, she’s in a mood.”

Bucky kissed Janie quickly, “I like this mood. How was shopping?”

“Successful for me, stressful for Steve. You have to take some things back to him. Who was there when you went in? A guy?”

“A girl, why?”

“The guy who helped me is your book-store-Tyler’s boyfriend.”

“Hey Jack, how was the trip?”

“It was a damned sight better than the last time. I missed having TJ with me, but Janie made it worthwhile.” Jack said, shaking Bucky’s hand.

“I’m glad it went smoothly.  Did it give you any ideas about going back?”

“Only for visits.” Jack said without a doubt. “I’m happy here in New York with TJ. We’ve got our work cut out for us here, and I’m looking forward to it. It’s funny, all your life, you think you’re cut out for something, and you find out something else is a better fit.”

“Yeah, I’m coming to that realization myself.” Bucky answered, sitting down on the sofa next to TJ. “Hey TJ. Comfy?”

“Yeah.” TJ laughed, “Sorry, my family would be astonished at my manners.”

“No need.” Bucky clapped TJ on the shoulder, “Nothing formal between us, right?”

“True. So, I hope you're hungry. We have no idea what we’re doing beyond food, maybe you have some ideas there too.”

“We usually play games, watch movies and just goof around, if that’s ok?” Janie asked, standing behind the sofa where Bucky sat. She ran her hands down over his shoulders and chest, before kissing him on the temple.

“I might need some guidance on certain games, I’m good with almost any movie, and yes, I’m very hungry.”

“We could definitely play Cards Against Humanity. Or default to poker, if you’d rather.” Janie suggested, before heading to the kitchen to dish a plate for Bucky. “Some of everything Buck?”

“Please, I could come get it Janie.”

“Nah, I’m already here. You’ve been working, sit and entertain sleepy over there.”

“Hey, I have been awake for almost an hour now, I would suggest you take that back. Moderately dazed will be sufficient.”

“Tough day?” Bucky asked TJ, turning to face him.

“No, the opposite. I just couldn’t do anything today. I popped some nonsense out of the piano this morning, sent it to Simon and checked out. Poor Jack has suffered with me all day.”

“It was hell, we watched some movies, he fell asleep, I continued to watch movies… sheer torture.” Jack confirmed, bringing TJ a plate. “Popped some nonsense out is a bold lie, it was a masterpiece. Maybe the creativity sapped your energy.”

TJ thanked Jack for the food and the confidence, “I guess I’ll have to listen to it again, I seriously can’t remember what we ended up with.”

“Torture us all TJ.” Janie pleaded, sitting in the chair closest to where Bucky sat on the sofa. “We’re your best, worst critics.”

“If it sucks, I don’t want to subject Bucky to that. You guys already know I’m not perfect.”

“Subject me. I’ve only heard a little of your playing, if you’ve recorded it, it can’t be too much of a strain, besides, I’ll give you credit it was in the early phase.”

“Ok, fine. TJ opened his laptop, and found the file he’d sent to Simon, “but if I do this, you’re going to join me in a bit on that guitar over there, and we’ll play something we both know.”

“You just barely mentioned having it sent from DC.” Bucky said over a bite of noodles.

“I have connections.” TJ grinned. “It’s amazing.”

“Later, for sure, but no criticism, I’m so rusty, that what you hear is what you get.” Bucky conceded. He actually wanted to get back to playing guitar. He was nervous about doing it, especially in front of anyone, but the people in this room were some of the closest he had these days to family. Surely they’d be ok with his first attempts.

“We’re not going to judge a thing.” Janie said, almost as a command.

“Janie’s right.” Jack said, “I hadn’t drawn for a long time, until I came here. They’re pretty good at tuning out the imperfections.”

“When’s the last time you played Bucky?”

“44. 45, I guess.” Bucky considered, “Any time there was one around, I’d pick it up. Never had my own though.”

“You do now, that Gibson’s not getting any use, and it deserves a home with someone who wants to pick it up.” TJ said before taking a big bite of garlic bread.

“Don’t you play?”

“Not well enough. I thought I’d try, but I never got into it.” TJ pressed play and waited, wondering what he’d hear. It had been a long day, he honestly didn’t remember if it was shit or not that he’d sent Simon.

Janie smiled softly as the notes filled the room, she scooted from the chair and sat right up against Bucky, blushing as he tucked her under his arm and placed a lingering kiss on her temple.

Bucky hadn’t heard a lot of TJ’s music, but what he had heard he’d always liked. This piece was tender and emotional without being melancholy and he really found he liked that. He thought about the spaces he’d been in just the past year, alone in the wilderness or inside the dank prison, all the way through to the warmth of his own apartment, what Jack had said about thinking you were cut out for something and finding out you were wrong was so appropriate. He never thought he’d wind up in a group of fun people, caring for them as much as they cared for him.

Janie’s reassuring hand on his was further proof. He turned his hand over and linked fingers with her, his lips traced “love you” on her cheek and she ducked her head into the crook of his neck.

Jack couldn’t stop grinning at the sight of them, and the adorable way TJ sat on the sofa, with his eyes closed, clearly uncomfortable as he waited for his music to fail. Jack reached a stockinged foot across the space between him and the couch, and brushed TJ’s leg. TJ looked up at Jack and saw the tender smile. “It’s still as beautiful as it was this morning.” Jack said as the song ended. “I don’t know what you were expecting.”

“I don’t either.” TJ was pleased with what he heard, but even more tickled by the way Jack was looking at him, and the cute cuddle-pile at the opposite end of the sofa. He finally dared to look at his phone to see if Simon ever responded. His nerves had his fingers trembling as he turned the phone over. Jack’s foot kept rubbing gently along his leg and TJ glanced at Jack quickly before looking at the face of the phone. “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP UP WITH YOU?” “I DIDN’T KNOW WE NEEDED THIS” “YOU’RE A GENIUS” TJ shook his head, but the grin kept growing. He handed the phone to Jack.

“Well, so much for keeping it between us.” Jack teased. “I told you he’d like it.”

“How could you expect him to do anything but like it TJ?” Janie asked, taking the phone from Jack and sharing the screen with Bucky.

“I didn’t even remember it being worth anything, Janes.” TJ blushed at the public sharing of his phone “I literally played, recorded and sent it without a second thought, and I pretty much shut down after that.”

“You’ve been working too hard.” Janie agreed. “I’m glad you took a mental health day. You’ve been putting out so much creative energy lately.”

“You make it sound so laborious.” TJ laughed, “I love that about you Janes.”

”Does nobody else understand what it takes out of you?” Bucky asked, leaning across the sofa to hand TJ his phone.

“Maybe Nana, she was a singer, and a dancer too, though so that’s pretty physical.”

“Watching Steve sometimes, when we were kids, when he’d get really involved in his art, it was sometimes too much. Sometimes he was sick and it would drain him. Not that it wasn’t also relaxing at other times – but sometimes his mom, or I would have to physically remove the art supplies, “enough, rest so you can make more art later.” He tried to say “you don’t understand, it relaxes me”. But his mom would always call him out. “The things that relax us also use energy. You have to conserve yours now Steven”.” Bucky stopped, realizing he was being watched, then understanding washed over the uncomfortable anxiety feeling, of course they were watching him, he’d been talking. “So. Um. Obviously, it’s going to zap your energy sometimes.”

Jack watched Bucky rally, knowing they all wanted to alleviate his anxiety, but none of them spoke over him, and let him resolve it himself. He had a faint understanding, even if their experiences were vastly different, he could sympathize with the discomfort of being the center of attention sometimes.

“I appreciate it Bucky. It makes sense when you put it that way, and no, probably nobody else understands. I’m glad I found people who can help _me understand_. So, what songs have you been thinking about playing on the guitar, I know you’ve been thinking about it. Do you play by ear?”

“Yes, I play by ear, I never really grasped reading music, much to ma’s dismay. I’m kinda open, there are a few songs I’ve heard that I thought might be possible to tackle. How’s your Beatles knowledge?”

“How’s _yours_?” TJ countered, sitting up, forcing himself to behave like a human being instead of a slug. “Any particulars?”

“You choose, you start, I’ll pick my way in.” Bucky decided. “Whenever you’re ready.”

TJ pushed up from the couch, leaning forward as if to kiss Jack, instead taking a bite from Jack’s garlic bread before heading to the piano. He smiled at Jack’s whispered “shithead.”

TJ sat on the piano bench, he didn’t know the extent of Bucky’s current music culture, but _While My Guitar Gently Weeps_ was the first to come to mind.

Bucky listened, picking up the song and hoped he had the skill he bragged about. He picked up the guitar and sat in the chair closest to the piano. Janie sat with her legs crossed in the corner of the couch and watched as he checked the tuning.

Once satisfied with the guitar, Bucky closed his eyes briefly, listening for a good spot to come in. He started playing along with TJ, watching his fingers, calculating the pressure and strength needed, he hadn’t been super, and he had both of his own hands the last time he’d played. With his eyes on his own hands, Bucky missed TJ’s smile, and Janie’s grin. He didn’t see Jack’s awe.

TJ let Bucky finish the song, then turned his head to see Bucky still pointedly looking at the guitar. TJ had intended to let Bucky pick the next song, but softly started playing _Hey Jude_ without a word. If Bucky chose to join in again, great, if not, he’d play through solo.

Bucky came in after the intro, a little more confident, looking up to see TJ’s hands on the keys. That was a step forward, right? From watching his own hands to watching the hands of his duet partner.

He shook the hair from his eyes and met Janie’s gaze. She was sitting cross-legged on the sofa, leaning toward him with her elbows on her knees, and her smiling face in her hands. He might have skipped a note, distracted by her beauty. He licked his lips and nervously returned his eyes to the guitar. Once he was sure he was back on track, he managed to look at Janie again and smile.

Jack watched as Bucky progressed from consciously analyzing his playing to shyly flirting. He stealthily picked up the notebook that now lived on the coffee table, and started rough sketching TJ and Bucky in their musical element, with ‘super fan’ Janie watching attentively. He wondered if he could include himself in the tableau, never attempting a self-portrait before but confident, with a couple of real-life models in front of him. How could he create an enamored look like the one Janie had on his own face? Something between TJ’s radiant grin and Bucky’s bashful smirk might do the trick.

Janie scooted across the sofa to peek over the arm of the chair where Jack was sitting to see what he was drawing. She touched his arm softly and gave him a thumbs up signal when he looked up. She was in love with the rough sketch, Bucky was coming together as she watched, and she definitely, definitely approved of having Jack in the picture too.

Bucky transitioned from _Hey Jude_ to _Here Comes the Sun_ , and TJ joined him with both piano and vocals. Before the end of the song, the four were all singing along, even if Jack was still partially immersed in his sketch.

TJ pivoted on the piano bench when the song was completed, looking at Bucky, “What do you think? You want to keep it?”

“TJ, this is a beautiful instrument…”

“And if you take it home with you, I won’t have to bring it for your birthday celebration.”

“Ok, fine. That’s right, this Friday’s my belated birthday.” Bucky smiled over at Janie. “You promised.”

“I know, small group, keep it private. These two have convinced me that you can open gifts in the car on the way over. Inside the club, we’re all celebrating, but nobody will say or do anything to make you uncomfortable. Expect everyone to buy your drinks and stuff, by the way.”

“I didn’t realize it was going to escalate to gifts. I accept yours, TJ. Thank you.” Bucky tenderly stroked the curve of the guitar.

“What did you think a birthday celebration was going to be about?” Janie got up from the couch and sat on the arm of Bucky’s chair, brushing the hair from his eyes. “I mean, that’s what it’s about sweetheart.”

“Seventy years Janie.” Bucky looked up at her, smiling softly. “It’s going to take some adjustment. Bring it on, cake, gifts, make a scene. I’m reclaiming my life and my birthdays as a Fuck You to Hydra, remember?”

“You’re serious?” Janie asked, baffled.

“I’m serious. That was my goal when I agreed in the first place. If word gets out, we deal with it. We’re going out to have fun. If anyone else has a gift that’s this big though, they can definitely bring it to the apartment. Please tell me nobody else has anything quite this extravagant.”

“Seventy years.” Jack smiled. “They might be making up for lost time, be warned.”

“What’s your secret?” Bucky asked, hoping to catch Jack up.

“Not telling. Smaller than a guitar. That’s your only hint. Speaking of gifts though, Steve’s birthday’s in a couple of weeks, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Bucky shrugged. “I got him a really nice sketch book from the book store, and I’m waiting on some pens and pencils that he desperately needs.”

“I was thinking of taking some digital art classes, and I thought of Steve. Janie thinks it’s extravagant, but…”

“But do it. If you have the means, and you want to do it, I know he’d love it. He has some of the tech already, and has been relying on google and YouTube. Not that those are bad.”

“No, they’re definitely not – he’s shared some of his findings with me, which was where I got the idea. Thanks Bucky.”

“Any time.” Bucky said, fiddling with the guitar, playing [Glenn Miller’s _In the Mood_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ci3e_9vERs). He watched as Janie smiled, perched on the arm of his chair. She had her hand on his neck while he played, and he thought maybe he might deserve something like this after all.

Jack gathered the to-go containers while Bucky lovingly set the guitar aside. “I could listen to you two play all night, but I’m sure you’d rather do something with the group instead of for us.”

“I’ll probably pick it up again in a while.” Bucky smiled, accepting a drink from Jack when he came back into the space.

“Yeah.” TJ agreed, “I think I could play a little more later. This is nothing like working. Bucky that was great.”

“Rusty, but not half bad.” Bucky corrected.

“I would argue, it was closer to great.” Janie kissed Bucky’s temple, “I’m not just saying that.”

“We’re really good at throwing out compliments, but realize, we’ve all seen and heard some pretty amazing stuff, Bucky, so if you get one, it’s deserved. TJ would definitely tell you if you needed a lot of practice.” Jack said, sitting on the couch next to TJ.

“I’d be nice about it.” TJ bumped his arm against Jack’s. “But yeah, I would offer some criticism. I heard beauty. You warmed up to it, that was obvious. Your memory for songs and music is inspired.”

“Maybe we can swap baking lessons for music… collaboration. I mean, if Janie wouldn’t mind a takeover every once in a while, and once you’re moved, I could bring the portable music instrument, and we could bake in the kitchen of the home where the piano is.”

“I’d like that, something to fill the time while the dough rises, and bakes.” TJ turned to Janie and then Jack, “Is anyone up for a movie? I don’t feel all that competitive tonight.”

“A movie sounds good.” Bucky and Janie said simultaneously.

“We can have a separate game night another night, with Steve and Millie if she’s interested.” Janie added.

Bucky nodded, “That would probably make for a more interesting Cards Against Humanity. What’s the movie of choice tonight?”

“I’m not sure yet, but you and Jack need to go do dueling popcorn – because I want to know whose is better. I’m kinda interested in watching too.”

“You and me both TJ.” Janie grinned, sliding down into a slouch on the sofa. “Get to work you pretty boys.”

Bucky giggled at Janie’s response, and stood up. She reached out with her toes to tap him on the rear. “Hey, if we have to slave over a hot stove, the least you two can do is find something to watch. Anything goes, I’m staying here tonight, so there’s no worries about how long it is. If I have any nightmares, I’ll just blame you, Janie, so you two are safe.”

“Ha ha. You’re hilarious.” Janie said as she watched Jack and Bucky. “If you have a nightmare, it’s your fault for saying “anything goes”.”

“Same protocol as always.” Bucky’s smirk fell to a frown, “Tonight’s a test for all of us. I usually have Steve around in case I get too dangerous.”

“Nonsense. I’ve been there alone with you when he was out of town. Don’t worry, you’ve always responded to me.” Janie didn’t change her posture, just looked intently at Bucky as she remained in her puddle on the sofa.

“Janie’s right, you’ll be fine Bucky.” TJ assured him, “We’re not minimizing the threat, we just have enough faith in you to feel positive.”

“What did I do to deserve friends like this?” Bucky asked Jack quietly.

“I ask myself the same thing, almost daily. I was every bit the asshole you heard about, and I worry about it falling apart, waking up one day and being given my walking papers.”

“How do you cope?”

“Therapy, and cherishing every damned second. I’m really glad you’re here Bucky. For me, after spending time in Gilboa last time, I had a hard time coming home, nightmares and negative thoughts. That’s when I really started focusing on therapy. I haven’t spoken to mine since coming home, and didn’t have enough sleep to really dream.”

“Your therapist is good?”

“Yeah, TJ or Janie mentioned you were thinking of contacting her.”

“Yeah, after talking with TJ, it stuck with me, and I made some calls after doing a bit of internet research. I owe it to Janie, and to Steve, as much as myself, to do something. There’s this insecurity that just won’t stop, you know? I mean Hydra had me under their watch, who knows what all they’ve done. I’m afraid being free isn’t as easy as being freed.”

“No, probably not. She’s great, handles some rough stuff. You’re bound to be a challenge, but I think in a good way.”

They worked on their individual popcorn pots using similar steps. Janie looked across the sofa at TJ, “They seem to be getting along nicely. That’s good.”

“Yeah, guess it’s personal, since they’re being all quiet and stuff.” TJ said, as quietly as the duo in the kitchen was being. “That’s good, they could use a little one-on-one.”

“I agree.” Janie smiled, taking TJ’s hand. “We said the “L” word.”

“You did. That’s great Janes.” TJ squeezed her hand, “I love him too. I’m glad you’re keeping him. Only you would understand that. Anyone else would think I was after your guy.”

“They’d be foolish. I know what you meant. He’s pretty lovable, but I kinda figured that out by how you two get along, and if not that, then your practically adopting him would be pretty obvious.”

“Well, he’s a grown man, I can’t exactly do that now, can I.”

“But you did – “He’s family”.” Janie teased. “I’m glad you did, but you keep adopting people. You might have a new vice. Collecting guys.”

“It’s not like that.” TJ said loudly enough to be heard in the kitchenette.

“What’s not like what?” Jack asked, pouring melted butter over the popcorn.

“Janie says I’m collecting guys.”

“You are.” Jack grinned. “You have me, you’ve gone and embraced Bucky, Steve, Sam and even Simon. You’ve got a collection.”

“If one of you were a girl, would it be better? I mean besides Janie. It’s not…”

“We’re teasing.” Janie laughed, sitting up, “I like that you’ve accepted people into your life, replacing the ones who would do terrible things for you. Or worse, the ones who would tear you down. Every one of the ones Jack named would come to your aid, would do anything for you and would build you up. That’s what I was getting at, you dork.”

“Says the gal who wants me to surround myself with people who would build me up…” TJ looked at Janie softly, “Love you Janes.”

Bucky and Jack brought big bowls of popcorn to the coffee table, and sat down on either side of TJ and Janie.

“While you were calling each other names, did you decide on a movie?” Bucky asked, kissing Janie's cheek.

“We did, I know how much you love space, I’m surrounded by space nerds.” Janie said, starting the movie _The Martian_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry this was sidelined. I was having a rough time connecting with these characters - and a couple other works spoke to me very loudly on top of it. Add to that the holidays and a couple of Secret Santa works kept me busy. I was absolutely struggling until this afternoon. Thank you for your patience!!


	58. Chapter 58

TJ woke before the sun, even though they’d all stayed up past any decent person’s bedtime. He’d slept so much the day before, he figured it was his penance. He slipped out of bed, reluctant to leave the warmth of Jack’s body, but unable to stay still. He made a hushed, hurried trip through the bathroom before coming back into the bedroom to start pulling things out of the closet for their getaway. He had planned to pack the day before, but that bridge had already been burnt.

He took the stacks of clothes out to the living room, and returned for the suitcase that had barely had a chance to air out from Jack’s trip. TJ paused with his hand on the handle, Jack had just come home, would he really enjoy being uprooted again so soon? Maybe he should wake Jack and talk to him. TJ shrugged, taking the suitcase out to the couch. As he packed the suitcase, excitement for time away, alone with Jack pushed down the feelings of doubt.  One last trek into the bedroom for another load of clothing was interrupted when TJ stopped in the doorway, seeing Jack sit up and stretch in the purple light coming through the window.

Jack yawned, and looked sleepily at the figure in the doorway, “mornin’ Kitten.” He smiled lazily. “Come back to bed.”

“I was packing.” TJ said quietly, gravitating toward Jack and his outstretched hand. “We’re still going?”

“We are. I picked someplace better than the penthouse. I hope you don’t mind.” Jack wrapped his long fingers around TJ’s neck, pulling him in for a lazy good-morning kiss.

“I don’t mind.” TJ smiled fondly, kneeling on the bed and running his fingers through Jack’s hair.

Just a second ago, TJ had looked hesitant, and now he was glowing.

“Were you done packing?” Jack asked, tugging on the waistband of TJ’s Star Wars lounge pants.

“I came in for some more clothes, in case we need clothes.” TJ caught his lip between pearly teeth, while curling his fingers into the short hairs at the back of Jack’s neck. “five days, we might go outside more than just Friday.”

Jack slid his hands up between the thin knit of TJ’s t-shirt, rolling his head back against TJ’s hands, and smiled up at him. “it’s possible.”

TJ relaxed his fingers and let them fall down the back of Jack’s neck, and get caught up on the t-shirt he  was wearing. He gripped the soft  fabric and pulled Jack closer, gazing into Jack’s eyes before descending on his lips urgently.

“You didn’t close the door.” Jack managed to say between assaults. “We should close the door.”

“They’re asleep, or fucking, they don’t care.” TJ said between nips, and licks.

Jack made an attempt to move to the edge of the bed, still locked in TJ’s grasp, still kissing back. He managed to slip one leg to the floor, holding loosely to TJ’s waist while TJ’s grip on his neck tightened. “It’s rude.” Jack half-laughed into TJ’s kiss.

TJ smiled, tugging on Jack’s lip with the edges of his teeth. “go then, be valiant.”

“It’s a matter of six feet, Kitten.” Jack chuckled. “I should take advantage of the empty bathroom too.”

“That’s more than six feet.” TJ pouted, dramatically throwing himself back onto the pillows, narrowly missing hitting his head on the headboard.

Jack pretended not to notice, and managed to withhold a smile. He hurried across the hall into the bathroom, remembering to lock the door. Having a guest wasn’t common, but he managed to think about it somehow.

TJ waited almost as long as it took for Jack to latch the bathroom door before he got up from the bed and went back to pulling clothes from the dresser. He smiled thinking about Jack’s kisses, he wondered if he could restrain himself as long as it took to get wherever Jack had them going for the next five days. He was putting the last of the clothes in the suitcase when Jack came out of the bathroom.

“I thought you’d be where I left you.” Jack stood with his hands on his hips, watching TJ. “Restless?”

“I guess.” TJ admitted. “I’d stay holed up in our room with you, but I’m excited to get out, and I am really curious where we might be headed. It’s just in the city right?”

“It’s in the city. It’s not exactly a surprise. There’s a place that’s lease is expiring, until then, it’s being used as an Air B&B location, when the lease expires, it’s going on the market.”

“So we’re test living in a possible future home?” TJ dropped the clothes he was holding onto the opened suitcase.

“Yeah. Weird?” Jack asked as he rounded the sofa, putting his hands on TJ’s hips. He kissed the back of TJ’s neck before TJ turned around, putting his arms around Jack’s waist.

“No, very cool actually.” TJ grinned before kissing Jack quickly, “You’re sneaky.”

“Janie turned me onto it, she’s sneakier.” Jack smiled at TJ’s added excitement. “So.”

“So, we get out of here and we set up to play house for a few days.”

“I should never have left the bedroom.” Jack shook his head, he rolled his bottom lip between his teeth before moving in to kiss TJ again, “I love you, I haven’t said that this morning yet have I?”

“You just did.” TJ brought his hands up to Jack’s face, “I love you. Let’s get out of here, k?”

…

TJ was in love with the building before they even pulled in front of it. He looked out the window, thinking about his little apartment in DC, his room at Janie’s, and wondered if it was possible to own a piece of something so iconic in this big, bustling city.

“It’s that one right there.” Jack pointed out the window, exciting TJ further.

“The building I just lost my heart to? Really?” TJ put the window down and looked up at the brick structure. It was a historic building, and it was in fine repair. The residents obviously cared, each window had personality, and charm, and the small front was made into a yard of sorts, surrounding the stoop.

“It’s on the top, it _is the top_.” Jack said, “There’s a private roof access, and on the other side, a community roof access.”

“You’ve clearly done your research.” TJ opened the door and stepped out as soon as the car had stopped.

“Janie sent me a link, I poked around while you were sleeping.” Jack confirmed once he was standing next to TJ. He took the bags the driver handed him, and led TJ to the door. He gave TJ the entrance code and waited as TJ let them into the building.

Inside was warmly lit and vibrant, the windows above the door letting in light over the open, high-ceiling foyer. The walls on were white, and the staircase had dark hardwood treads and bannisters. It was situated to the right of the entry, and an elevator was on the left, next to the mailboxes. TJ wanted to explore the stairway, but opted, with their bags, to take the elevator for their first trip.

As the elevator door closed with a soft ‘whoosh’, TJ looked at Jack with expressions of hope and excitement, “This place is gorgeous.”

“It is nice.”

“Well, it’s no palace, or Whitehouse, but it’s cozy, and it’s homey. I don’t think you’re going to have an easy time getting me out of here, Jack.”

“I really like Janie’s building, but I am remembering my first visit there.” Jack said as the elevator door opened to their floor, into their apartment. “Stepping off the elevator into a halfway lit hallway, I thought that was pretty appropriate for where I found myself at the time. I was grateful not to be on a park bench somewhere, but I was a little frightened.”

“I wondered how you were handling it. I knew it needed a little work. Janie didn’t really start putting her foot down until you came. She knew you were having trouble. This place.” TJ set the bags down, looking at the room, every wall of the living room had windows. That’s not to say that there was a wall of windows, like the penthouse, or Simon’s place, These windows were original to the building, and it appeared that someone who cared about the structure and the aesthetic added additional windows that matched the originals, and put modern panes inside of each.

“I know.” Jack smiled at TJ’s speechlessness. “I like it. We’ve only seen the this much and I’m already hooked.”

TJ wandered into the room, across from the elevator on the other side of the open space was a door, he opened it to the stairwell. “Jack, this could be a problem. Tell me if you hear anything.” He closed the door and tromped down the first set of stairs and back up. When he tried the door, he was relieved, and embarrassed to find that it locked behind him. He knocked and Jack tugged the door open with a smile.

“Locking yourself out already?” He teased.

“Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in. Noise?”

“Nothing. That’s good, right?”

“It is. Even better? There’s another door on the next level, so, it looks like the staircase is open for the first three floors, and I’m not sure if the level below us is like ours, or if it is just a closed hallway, but we’re not just one door away from everyone.”

“That is good.” Jack peered down to the next landing. “Come on, let’s check the rest of the place out.”

The living room and dining area were large and open, the kitchen, though modest, was a welcome change from Janie’s kitchenette. TJ thought Bucky would enjoy their latest agreement, trading music for baking, a lot more once he saw the size and the counter space. Jack wandered through the kitchen, caressing the faces of the appliances. TJ knew Jack was still having a little issue with cooking, and his father, but he thought maybe it was more fondness now. “Are you planning the remodel, or the first thing you’re going to cook?”

“I haven’t seen anything to remodel yet. I was thinking it would be nice to fix something special in this kitchen.”

As the living room sat to the right of the elevator, and it opened squarely into the dining room, TJ guessed the rooms that lie beyond the wall were bedrooms, and possibly an office. “Should we go see what’s on the other side of this wall?”

“You’re going to like this.”

TJ watched Jack’s face light up, and followed him down the hallway. He saw five doors. There were three doors on one side of the hallway and two doors on the other side. This could mean two or more bedrooms, and an office. What he found were three bedrooms, an office or parlor, and a bathroom. TJ assumed the master had its own.

“Jack. I want this. I don’t even have to open those doors. I’m going to, but you have to know.”

“Where are you putting your piano.”

“In the living room, by the window seat. Am I getting a piano?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, this house – our house – has to have a piano.” Jack put his arms around TJ. “We should try to buy it, yes?”

“Yes.” TJ grinned. “I know we should look around, but I fell for the architecture before I even knew for sure – and it’s big enough for us, and for James, and maybe someday, a sibling?”

“You’re going to be the father – I want that you know. I want you to father one of our children.”

“I wonder if Janie’s still willing.” TJ smiled into Jack’s neck before pulling away. “Let’s go see the rest of the rooms.”

“If you don’t mind, Kitten…” Jack said with a husky voice, as he tugged TJ back to him, “I’d like to see one room in particular.”

“Cock blocked by my excitement this morning?”

“You said it, I didn’t.” Jack purred against TJ’s lip, “I think this one is the master.”

With nowhere to go but to follow Jack, TJ backed up to the door, ramming into it when Jack’s attentions became more heated. TJ fumbled with the doorknob with one hand, clasping Jack’s shirt in a tight twist as he returned Jack’s urgent kisses. The door fell open and the pair followed the swing of the door, crashing into one another and the door as it slammed into the bedroom wall. Jack pushed his hands roughly up TJ’s chest, before gripping TJ’s hands and holding them against the door, over their heads. His kisses got rougher, and he rutted against TJ’s hips, tormenting TJ’s restrained arousal.

“Jack.” TJ managed to utter amidst the onslaught. “Baby.”

Jack was empowered by TJ’s needy tone and half-assed attempt to move his arms, he swiped his tongue over TJ’s throat, feeling the increased throbbing of his pulse, and nipped, bit, and sucked aggressively over the spot, he was determined to leave a very clear mark. Jack released TJ’s arms to have access to the fly of his jeans. TJ’s hands found Jack’s neck and hair, gripping hanks of it and holding Jack’s head to his throat as Jack flicked the button of TJ’s jeans open.

Oblivious to anything but Jack’s touch, his own heart hammering in his chest, and the way the fabric of his underwear was adding to the torment, TJ arched to Jack’s touch when his hands plunged into his pants. “Fuck. Fuck yes.”

“Sensitive, Kitten?” Jack asked, his lips still grazing the curve of TJ’s collarbone. His teeth scraped the tender spot. “What should we do about that?”

TJ pulled Jack’s face to his claiming his lips roughly before moving his hands to Jack’s shoulders and pushing him down. Jack followed with a sneer, kneeling in front of TJ, dragging dark jeans down over TJ’s hips and thighs.

“I expect a lot of praise for this, kitten.” Jack winked with a smirk. He put his hand on TJ’s inner thigh and grinned up at his gasp. Jack’s hand moved lazily up TJ’s thigh, slowly brushing along the tender skin as it advanced higher and higher.

“Fuuu…” TJ groaned, grasping at Jack’s hair, he heard Jack’s chuckle, felt it blow over his exposed erection, “You wanna get ahead of his Jack, I’m not gonna make it, you keep that up.”

Jack’s breath as he said “Patience Kitten,” caused TJ’s dick to twitch and his head to snap back and bang against the door. He spontaneously thrust against Jack’s hand as it closed around his painfully sensitive cock. Jack’s voice was soothing, his words indistinguishable as TJ felt the welcome warmth of Jack’s mouth engulfing him. TJ noisily shuddered with the lightest graze of teeth, and the firm, rough strokes of Jack’s tongue against his hyperstimulated shaft.

Jack moved his hand from TJ’s thigh, to caress his hip before gripping his cheek with a light pinch. TJ clenched his ass cheeks as he was effectively stilled from thrusting again. The air in the room cooled the wet skin where Jack was moving along his cock, and Jack’s hot breaths heated the skin again before it cooled against the air, repeatedly.

Jack’s ears filled with all of the noises of blatant ecstasy coming from TJ’s pretty pink lips. He met TJ’s gaze as he moved the hand that rested at the base of TJ’s cock, his mouth was full of his Kitten’s heat. His hand slinked upward and back down, before he slipped his fingers over TJ’s balls and between his legs. His own pants felt constrictive as his thumb grazed TJ’s perineum and his fingers sneaked over TJ’s hole. TJ gasped, and Jack took more of his length, preparing for TJ’s warning “I’m gonna, oh GOD Jack, I’m… uhhnggh.”

TJ hadn’t expected Jack’s digital onslaught, and reacted poorly. His knees faltered as he let out stuttered moans intermixed with curses when Jack’s hot, wet mouth brought him over the edge. He shuddered as Jack brought him to his climax. He came, and Jack lapped up every bit with a wicked smile. TJ tugged the hank of hair he’d gripped wildly and Jack stood up, pressing his own clothed arousal against TJ’s naked hip as he kissed TJ roughly. “My turn Kitten. I want you. On the bed.” Jack gripped TJ’s jaw, kissing his cheek, “naked ass up in the air.”

TJ’s face heated even more than it had been, anticipation and desire weakening his knees again, or still. He held onto Jack’s shoulder and sucked in air, “Fuck.” He almost laughed, “Dammit Jack, I can’t move.”

Jack released TJ’s jaw, kissing the pink marks tenderly. He stood as a support system as TJ kicked his jeans free, then he took TJ’s hand and lead him to the bed, “You think you can’t walk now Kitten.” Jack laughed softly.

“Promises, promises.” TJ grinned, crawling onto the bed, tucking a pillow under him, and resting on his elbows and knees.

The air dusted his cheeks, as Jack moved around him. He felt the soft touches of Jack’s fingertips on the curve of his ass and flinched when Jack smacked his flesh. “Jesus.” He said, muffled in the bedding and his forearm. Even though Jack couldn’t see it, he could envision the smirk on TJ’s face as he looked across the curve of his cheeks and the dip in his spine. Jack ran his hands up over TJ’s waist and leaned over him, kissing his shoulder blades.

“Mmm. Kitten. You’re so beautiful from this angle.”

“You like all my angles.”

“and your curves.” Jack agreed, smacking the spot where the pink marks were fading.

“Shit.” TJ chuckled into the crook of his arm. He heard Jack moving around near the foot of the bed, assuming he was getting undressed, hoping he was. The cold, slick finger sliding between his cheeks was almost as shocking as the sharp smacks had been. It was a stealth move that slipped between and poked inside, that caused TJ to suck air in uneven breaths. “Oh.”

Jack’s smile at the shocked sound was feral, he watched TJ’s shoulders shudder and his back muscles spasm. He curled his finger abruptly before straightening it and sliding it further in and curling it again, applying light, intermittent pressure against TJ’s prostate. The second and third fingers weren’t as cold when they joined the first. TJ’s moans were more lively than when Jack was sucking him off. The curse words came preceding pleas for more.

Jack knelt with his thighs against TJ’s ass, stroking his cock with his slicked up palm. “Patience Kitten. I’m never going to rush and hurt you. I know it’s been a while, but that’s why you have to be patient.”

“Don’t patronize me.” TJ groaned, arching against Jack’s fingers, almost as though chasing them as they retreated. Before he could whine about the emptiness, Jack pressed the tip of his cock against TJ’s body, slowly entering. “Fuck yeah, it’s about time.”

Jack smiled as he steadily pressed further, he gave TJ’s cheek another smack before rubbing the warm redness and spreading his hands over TJ’s hips, pulling him back toward him. “Kitten, you are so fucking tight.”

“Too slow asshole.” TJ responded, feeling urgent, and full, but not enough. His cock leaked, leaving a cooling damp spot on his belly where it was wedged between him and the bed.  He heard Jack chuckling and felt his face flush.

Jack’s pelvis pressed firmly against TJ’s ass, seating him fully inside of TJ. TJ rocked back and Jack met his rhythm gripping TJ’s hips roughly as TJ’s body embraced him and his cock swelled and pulsated with each thrust. He gave one last urgent thrust before withdrawing and finishing over TJ’s back.

TJ sensed the warmth splattering over the curves of his back, pooling in the shallow points, and dripping over his sides, cooling with the air. He reached between his body and the bed and stroked his cock, moaning as Jack leaned forward, pressing his own cock against the cleft of TJ’s ass and rocking against him, while kissing his neck.

“That’s right Kitten,” Jack murmured against TJ’s ear. “My beautiful TJ.”

TJ’s hands moved as Jack took over, stroking him to his second ejaculation while sucking marks into his skin along his spine.

Jack lazily rolled to his side next to TJ, running his fingers over TJ’s sticky back. “You wanna go see the bathroom? We could both use a little clean-up.”

“Mm-hmm.” TJ smirked, turning his head and laying it heavily onto his arm. “God I missed that.”

TJ lazily stretched his legs out from under him, rolling onto his side. He reached out for Jack, putting his hands on Jack’s bare chest for the first time since they crashed through the door. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’m home now, I’m all yours for the next five days.” Jack linked his fingers with TJ’s “Come on Kitten.”

“You’re overusing that today.” TJ grinned as he followed Jack to the master bath, cringing a little on his first steps. “Making up for lost time?”

“I thought you loved it.”

“I do.” TJ bumped into Jack when he stopped at the door. “I do.”

Jack gripped TJ’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss. He was gentle this time, “I hope you remember that phrase.”

TJ’s face flooded warm and his heart raced. He didn’t smile, he couldn’t let a little joke suck him in for a letdown.

Jack felt TJ’s pulse quicken and saw an odd look flicker across TJ’s face. He took TJ’s face in both hands, “TJ, Thomas James Hammond, I love you. You’ve already signed on to the biggest, most important role anyone could ask of you, by being the father of our children, and I know how selfish it is want more than that, and I do. I want so much more, and I’m afraid I don’t deserve what I’m about to ask you, but TJ, sweet Kitten, will you marry me?”

TJ’s arms snaked around Jack and he buried his face in Jack’s neck, feeling tears slip between them. He’d looked at Jack the whole time he’d been building his proposal, with disbelief, hope, and abject terror that somehow there was going to be a “but”. “Oh god yes.” TJ finally said, looking at Jack again. “Yes, I will, I love you Jack.”

“I wasn’t going to propose in the nude, both of us still sticky from sex, don’t hold that against me, please.” Jack laughed.

TJ led Jack through the door, drawing water into the giant tub, it didn’t rival the one in Jack’s apartment in Gilboa, but it was at least two and a half times bigger than the standard tub they’d managed to share in Janie’s place. “I don’t want you to worry about that. I didn’t think about it one bit until you said something.”

“Well, you deserve better.” Jack chuckled, “We can’t do much correctly, can we?”

“Who says that was wrong?” TJ looked around the bathroom, and took a Lush bath bomb from the basket on the back of the toilet. He tossed it in, watching the water fill, and swirl with color, and fragrance. “Come on baby,” He held a hand out for Jack who was leaning against the bathroom door.

Jack approached the tub, and stood close, waiting for TJ to go in first. TJ shook his head and gestured to the tub, following when Jack was seated in the warm, silky water. Enjoying the warmth and the solidity of Jack’s body next to his, TJ tickled the side of Jack’s calf with his toes. “I love you Jack. Don’t worry about the proposal, it was perfect.”

“Maybe less than perfect, no ring? No…”

“No stress, no worries, just your heart, laid bare. It was perfect.” TJ repeated, linking fingers with Jack. “Why, how should a prince propose? Properly attired, of course, and?”

“It would be a ridiculously elaborate thing. The past two engagements were horrific, maybe my heart, and my body bare before you was appropriate, a naked, new start.”

“I’m definitely not complaining.” TJ’s lips tickled Jack’s throat as he smiled before kissing him on the warm, pulse point. “When should we do it? After Steve’s birthday for sure, that’s Bucky’s big event. Well before your birthday too.”

“August, you’re right, by my birthday we’ll be welcoming James, and that’s going to be a busy time too.”

“August. I like it. I approve.” TJ smiled, “We’re really doing this? If everything works out we can say you proposed to me in our home.”

“What won’t work out? We’re already engaged, you backing out already?”

“I meant about the house.” TJ shook his head before laying it on Jack’s shoulder, splashing water over Jack’s chest. “You’re a real pain about the engagement already.”

“I do have a ring for you TJ.”

“You do?” TJ looked up at Jack, “you do.”

“I picked it up in Gilboa. In fact, I had it made the first time we were there, and picked it up this time because it was finished.”

“I’m not even going to ask how you managed that. You either left me when you should have been recovering, or…”

“Or I pulled a few strings as a member of the royal household and called a jeweler to visit me in the parlor while you were sleeping. I sketched what I wanted, gave him specifics, and waited.” Jack splashed back at TJ, “You’re impertinent.”

“You love me.” TJ shifted in the tub, grabbing a washcloth from the caddy by the tub, dipping it under the flow of the faucet that was still filling the bath. Jack rested against the side of the tub, feeling the water slosh around him as TJ moved. His eyes drifted closed and snapped open again when TJ placed the washcloth over his face, much as he would if he were placing a pie for a perfect smash. The light trickled through the tight weave of the cloth and he pulled it down over his jaw.

“Funny.” Jack smiled, handing the cloth back to TJ. TJ dragged it across Jack’s chest lovingly.

“Your gym time is really, really paying off.” TJ mused as he dragged the cloth lower, over distinct muscle groups that peeked out of pools of shimmery purple water.

“You’re not looking so bad yourself. Still taking it slow, I hope?”

“I’m going according to plan, the ribs are fine, doc said I was ok to follow my trainer.” TJ moved the cloth over Jack’s hip, and gently tended him, watching Jack’s lids flutter and close. He lifted Jack’s leg and settled at the opposite end of the tub. He stopped the faucet and resumed washing over Jack’s firm thigh muscles and swiped the cloth over the shape of his knee and calf. He held Jack’s foot under the fragrant water, rubbing his toes and the ball of his foot.

“Tickles.” Jack complained quietly, smiling as he jerked his foot involuntarily until TJ really got into the massage. “I’m never leaving this tub.”

“You will. Don’t get too comfortable, I expect repayment. Before the water goes cold.” TJ ordered, switching legs and repeating the process.

“We’re both so demanding.” Jack sighed, rolling his head back over the edge of the tub. “Were you surprised? You seemed shocked. I thought it was obvious we were going to be together, forever.”

“I’m always surprised when things go my way.” TJ shrugged. “You should know that about me by now.”

“I guess I understand better than most.”

“What if you’d waited for me? Did you give up on me?”

“No. Don’t be ridiculous. I knew you’re busy, and you’d want to get this musical finished before thinking about some elaborate way to propose. You would have taken Janie, your grandmother, Bucky, and possibly even Michelle into your confidence, asking them how to go about certain things, what to do, or for help with some scheme. I didn’t give up on you, I just didn’t give you a chance to get through step one.”

“No.” TJ laughed, “You didn’t. I’m ok with that. You might be right about the planning phase.”

“I _am right_ about the planning phase.” Jack reached past TJ for a clean washcloth, turning the water on briefly to get it nice and hot. He gently dropped the heated cloth onto the back of TJ’s neck and washed around and over his collarbones, down TJ’s chest, “yeah, you’re doing well at the gym too, Kitten.”

TJ stopped a laugh, biting his lip as he watched Jack’s hand push the cloth over his skin, “Tell me “kitten” isn’t engraved on the ring Jack.”

“What if it is? Would you refuse me then?” Jack raised an eyebrow in challenge, “I suppose we’ll find out.”

TJ splashed Jack, giggling when the colored water dripped down Jack’s face. “Come on, let’s be done with this, the water’s starting to get cold.” TJ released the stopper, standing up on the slick tub bottom. He held a hand up for Jack, who reached for the faucet and turned the shower on warm before taking the hand up.

“Let’s warm up, rinse clean, and you can make up for that insolence by washing my back.”

“Well, the prince has spoken.” TJ teased, wrapping his arms around Jack’s waist. “My own prince.  Who knew?”

“The only true statement is that I’m yours.”

“You know that’s not true, you know Michelle…”

“The coronation is temporary, they’re going to move forward as a democratic nation, there will be elections in the coming months. Not that I expect the leadership to switch, but they’re going to implement the change.”

“Wow, I think we’ve talked way too much about me.” TJ decided, turning Jack so he could wash and massage his back. “I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t say anything. I guess I was keeping it to myself while I processed the true impact it would have. You still want me right?”

TJ’s hands slipped under Jack’s arms, and he hugged him to him, banding his arms across Jack’s chest. “More than you seem to understand. Johnathan Benjamin, my Jack. I love you for you.”

“It doesn’t impact my worth, my trust and bank account is untouchable, Michelle assured me as much.”

“You could be that scared guy with no money, and a yellow bag with nothing but borrowed change of clothes, and I wouldn’t care. We’d just be living with Janie a little longer.” TJ kissed the back of Jack’s ear before pulling away and scrubbing the washcloth over his back muscles. “When will you trust me?”

“I do. I don’t trust myself. I’ve always been important for who I was, or what I could provide.”

“You _are important_ , because you are a strong, caring person. You provide love, joy, support, and so much more. I fell for that lost soul, and I never once thought “if only he could regain his wealth and position.”

Jack turned and took TJ into his arms, “You’re perfect, you know that? You’re the one constant, the one force that keeps me grounded. Turn around. You’re next.”

TJ held the hug, and Jack’s gaze, until Jack rolled his eyes, and tossed his head, embarrassed and overwhelmed.

“Fine, I deserve it. I deserve you TJ.”

“Thank you.” TJ crowed, turning to let Jack wash his back.

…

TJ watched as Jack moved through the kitchen, they’d dressed after their bath, and walked to the nearest grocery store. TJ still wondered whether his ring was engraved with “Kitten”, as they shopped for 5 days’ worth of food. Now he was watching Jack cook. He had offered to help, but was given a pensive look before being told, “This will be the first meal I’ve cooked entirely by myself, since everything went down. I’d appreciate your company, and I’ll accept your help another time.”

It was important. Popcorn, or fixing a quick breakfast with him or Janie was one thing. He knew Jack hadn’t cooked in ages, since he was really young, helping his dad. Growing up, and away, had made the duty a chore. Losing his father, first by exile and then by death had turned good memories sour.

The urge to help caused TJ to fidget, finally he stood up from the barstool he was rocking with his shaking leg. “I’ll be in the other room.” He said as he stepped up behind Jack. He kissed his cheek, “too bad there’s no piano, the stereo will have to do. Any requests?”

“Something upbeat. Anything that strikes you. Am I boring you?”

“I keep trying to come up with something to help you do. I figured I could help by not fidgeting and making weird noises on the barstool, and instead fill the room with music.”

“I promise, this dumb test will be the only one. Tomorrow, breakfast, lunch, or dinner, anything you want to do to help, or not help, I’ll be ok with.”

TJ lightly touched Jack’s cheeks, “If you needed a dozen or three dozen tests, I’d be content to sit by and find something to busy my own hands. It smells fantastic, by the way.”

Jack gave TJ a quick kiss, smiling. “Thanks TJ. For everything.”

“I meant every word.” TJ stepped away and went into the living room to check out the sound system.

Jack rubbed the back of his hand over his eyes, and returned to his cooking. He wanted this dinner to be perfect. Memories shot through him as he performed one task or another that brought his father’s verbose instructions to mind. He came out of a flash with a jump, dropping a casserole dish to the floor. The sound of the crash and shattering glass brought TJ running.

“Jack?”

“It’s ok, dinner wasn’t in it yet.” Jack tried to smile. “I’ll just find another.”

TJ watched Jack move around the shards, he went to the broom closet and started cleaning up as Jack pulled another pan from the cupboard.

“You sure you’re ok? We can call and order…”

“NO.” Jack snapped. He slammed the steel casserole dish onto the counter with a sharp “clang”. “I’ve got this.”

TJ shoved the glass aside with the broom and stepped gingerly into Jack’s space. His hand cupped Jack’s cheek, “I’m glad, I was looking forward to whatever smell has my mouth watering. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. You’re not hurt?”

“No, I dropped it, no damage to me.” Jack’s posture deflated, “Demons that I’m trying to conquer. Memories of repressed feelings and lectures. More fodder for the therapist is all.”

TJ took Jack’s clenched fist into his hands, smoothing his fingers over the taught knuckles. “I’m here. If there’s anything you want to get off your chest. I can also watch the oven if you need to make a phone call.”

Jack’s fist softened, and he opened his hand, wrapping it around TJ’s. “Nothing that dire.” Jack managed to smile. “Just a harsh memory, and a clumsy response. If it were more, I’d take you up on it. Let me add this to the oven, and I’ll come sit with you, everything else is ready when dinner is.”

“Ok.” TJ lifted Jack’s hand to his lips, “I believe you. Not another word unless you bring it up.”

“Did you learn that in therapy?”

“Have I been nosy in the past? Yes. Do I hate it when people do that to me? Yes.” TJ laughed. He leaned against the counter next to the pile of broken stoneware.

Jack seemed to ease into his relief and resumed placing the food into the casserole dish. TJ went back to the task of picking up broken shards, and by the time the pile was cleared away, Jack was able to join him in the living room.

“It wasn’t bad, you know?” Jack said as he tucked his toes under TJ’s legs on the couch. “Just one of the many “give for your country” speeches. Just one of the many “no son of mine” tirades. It wasn’t one that stood out over the rest, wasn’t worse than his worst.”

TJ turned to face Jack, covering more of Jack’s feet with his leg, “Hurt is hurt. Sometimes the little things hurt longer and deeper than the boldly stated cruelties. Besides, you’re still mourning your parents. Multiple losses of them, really. Losing the ideal of them, the hope for their redemption, and their ultimate deaths. You’re entitled to a few broken dishes Jack.”

“I don’t know how I was blessed to find you TJ. I just know I’m glad I was.”

TJ scooted closer to Jack, pulling him into a kiss. “I’m glad you were too, baby. I can’t imagine things without you. My life wouldn’t be anything like it is now. I’m equally blessed. Think about all of the things that neither of us would have if we hadn’t been thrown at one another.”

“Imagine if we’d hated each other?” Jack laughed, “things would have been even more different.”

“That would have been entertaining.” TJ agreed, tossing his arm around Jack’s neck. “I like the way things turned out. Even if I have to sweep up broken dishes every day.”

“I’ll take it, as long as you don’t remind me of that anymore.”

“Ok. You’re right.” TJ breathed “What do you think? The piano over there?”

Jack looked toward the window seat, there was a desk that could easily be replaced by a piano, the light would allow him to watch TJ from any angle. “If you think the acoustics will be good enough, the lighting is perfect.”

“Lighting?”

“So you can see the music, you can write,” Jack’s reasons devolved as TJ looked at him with a raised eyebrow and a knowing smirk. “So I can see you.”

“Did we say August? Maybe we should just run away this weekend.” TJ rested his free hand on Jack’s chest, “Maybe we should just call a minister to come here. Nobody needs to know anything.”

“You’re being impulsive. Isn’t that a red flag?” Jack teased.

“It can be, but I’m just spit balling. I actually hate the idea of getting my family involved in a wedding, I saw what Dougie and Anne went through, well, I saw some of it, I was some of it. They were happiest eloping. I don’t want to hear the “you’re my only remaining son” argument, I just want something easy, planned by you and me, that doesn’t further anyone’s agenda.”

“Your wish is my command. We’ll plan it, we’ll tell people when we’re ready, and we’ll tell them when and where to show up, whether it’s at a ceremony, a celebration, or just a dinner. It’s up to us to decide which. No engagement party if you’re not interested.”

“Hell no, just another excuse for them to network, instead of it being about us.”

“You might have to forgo wearing the ring until we’re ready, at least around your family.”

“Yeah, about that? Will you be wearing an engagement ring?”

“Will you be buying me one?” Jack asked with a wink.

“Hmm. I suppose that’s a good deciding factor. Of course I will, if you’ll wear it.”

“Maybe I already got a matching set.”

“You’re impossible. How much longer for food? I can’t deal with you.”

“You can, and you will. You can’t wait, you already said so. You do know we need to become a little more involved with your family, your time of shutting people out has to end.”

“I know, but the best part of relocating? I don’t have to see them _as often_. Think about it, schedules have to match, planning has to be done on both sides. It’s great.” TJ scooted so that he was lying with his head on Jack’s lap. “It’s the most intelligent choice I’ve ever made.”

Jack’s fingers combed through TJ’s hair, “what did you want to do after diner Kitten?”

“Movies or games sound good. I could trounce your ass, and I see they have a decent setup.”

“You didn’t trounce my ass last time.”

“That was a bad weekend. I was seriously lacking concentration and skill.”

“You’ll have to prove that.” Jack said, patting TJ’s cheek.  “This place, I think I still like it.”

“It’s been all of 20 minutes since we talked about it last. I didn’t expect the shine to be off it yet. I’m glad you can see us here Jack.”

“Should I make a call in the morning? Make sure to get our offer in?”

“Yes.” TJ grinned, looking at the ceiling. “Definitely. I can’t see any point in letting a property go, when it’s what we want.” He glanced back at Jack, “You do want it?”

“I do TJ. I wouldn’t bring you someplace we can sleep over and possibly buy, unless I thought I would like it. I surely wouldn’t tell you it was available if I didn’t think I’d have an interest. That wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“I didn’t mean to imply anything. I just don’t want you making choices based on what I want. You have to want it too.”

“I do, what’s not to love. I feel more comfortable here than I did at the penthouse, my apartment, or possibly even Janie’s. _Never_ let her know I said that.”

“She’d understand what you’re saying Jack. Maybe after a smack upside the head.” TJ laughed, “She’d understand. I’ll bet she’s enjoying the privacy our being gone is giving her with Bucky. They deserve it as much as we do.”

“That they do.” Jack’s finger traced the shell of TJ’s ear, “Weird, if we hadn’t met, they wouldn’t either. We wouldn’t know the people who had the most important impact on our lives, mine anyway.”

“Mine too. I feel Bucky and I have a very deep, important connection. I can’t imagine not being friends with him. Especially after this past weekend.”

Jack rubbed his hand over TJ’s face, “I think you’re in love.” He pushed TJ’s shoulder, and stood up, “I’ll be back. Remember what you were saying about your boyfriend.”

“Hah! You’re hilarious.” TJ called after Jack as he watched him head into the kitchen. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Jack peered out of the kitchen, with a knife in his hand, making TJ laugh. “I don’t have a boyfriend, I have a fiancé. A menacing one with a knife.”

“I’m just about to carve the roast, not gut my fiancé.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” TJ sat up on the couch. “I’ll be here when you’re ready for me.”

“You could set the table.” Jack called from the kitchen. “Dinner for two, make it fancy.”

“We don’t have any flowers for the table, whatever shall we do?”

“We should have thought of it at the grocery. I’d have bought a bouquet or two.” Jack smiled as he watched TJ gather dishes. He made a note to order some to be delivered for the rest of their stay.

“I was kidding.” TJ hip checked Jack before heading out to the dining area. “You said fancy.”

Jack started singing along to the song on the radio, TJ stopped what he was doing, to watch and listen. Jack turned to bring the platter to the table, “What?”

“I believe that’s the second time I’ve ever heard you sing. Last night you kinda sang along, and now. Why would you hold out on me?”

“I didn’t realize I was.” Jack’s mouth turned up in a half smile. “I’ll stop.”

TJ kissed Jack’s cheek after he put the platter down. “Don’t ever stop. I could listen to that forever.”

Jack laid his hand on the back of TJ’s neck, and pulled him in for a kiss, “I promise, I’ll sing more often. I couldn’t _not_ sing around a musically inclined fiancé. I’ll have to brush up on lullabies and kids’ songs soon anyway.”

“True.” TJ smiled, “What would you like to drink?”

“One of those sodas you told me about.” Jack set a ring box in front of TJ’s plate as soon as TJ’s back was turned. “I hope it’s as good as you and Bucky think it is.”

TJ returned to the table with two bottles, and stopped at his seat. He held the bottle out to Jack with an excited gleam, his hands were a little shaky, and the condensation from the bottles made them slippery. “You’re sneaky.” TJ whispered, setting his own soda down. TJ searched Jack’s face seeing bright eyes and an almost shy smile.

“I have to keep ahead of you.”

TJ wiped the moisture from his hands onto the thighs of his jeans, “Dinner wasn’t a test.”

Jack smiled at the accusatory tone, “Yes it was. It was also important that I pass my own damned test tonight, not wait for another go.”

“and this is why. Someone feels like a naked proposal shortchanged me. Someone is very wrong.”

“Shut up and open it TJ.” Jack scolded, biting back a laugh. He nervously rubbed the condensation away from a small spot on his soda bottle, waiting as TJ picked up the box. He didn’t miss the slight tremor in TJ’s fingers as he turned the box to face him. TJ sat slowly into his chair as he eased the lid of the box open, not even looking at either thing he was doing, only looking at Jack.

TJ blinked away from Jack’s nod toward the box, when he opened his eyes, he saw the two-tone metal ring, half brushed metal, half polished with three small diamonds across the top. “Jack.” TJ’s eyes met Jack’s again, “It’s perfect. It’s…”

“It’s called ‘Narcissus’.” Jack said, taking the box from TJ’s fingers. “I described what I wanted, it was sketched and the jeweler named it “Narcissus.” I think it was a slam, what do you think?”

TJ watched as Jack plucked the ring from its bed and twirled it in his fingers. “May I?”

“I don’t think it’s a slam. I think,” TJ looked from his hand to Jack’s face and back as the ring slid up his finger. “I think you’re teasing. God Jack, it’s beautiful.”

“I was torn, I almost had something made with a big stone, but the elegance of your hands, and your piano playing demanded something else.”

“I love exactly this. You’ve missed your calling. Designing jewelry is an artistic endeavor.”

“You’re a bit biased. You obviously don’t know any better, some guy proposes to you in the nude and gives you a shiny ring and dinner.”

“Which is getting cold while some guy rambles on about a compliment.” TJ reluctantly withdrew his hand from Jack’s “I’m gonna see if dinner passes the final test.”

They enjoyed their dinner, talking about the things they’d need for the house _when_ it was theirs. Jack watched as TJ animatedly talked about James’ room, and things he wanted Jack to have, “You need a place you can draw, I haven’t seen the whole house properly yet, but the parlor could make a great office and studio for you. I’m claiming a large piece of the main room, you should definitely have something. I think modern when I think of your office.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Its opposite of the gothic stuff you had to deal with, unless that’s your thing? But I don’t see it.”

“It’s not _my thing_. You might be right."

“If the light is better in here than the parlor, I’ll trade you, I want you to have natural light for your art.”

“I want _you_ to have that corner for your piano, and when I need light, I can sit near you.”

“You win.” TJ grinned, looking at his ring as he set his glass down. “We’re really engaged.”

“We are. You feel it? If you decide you want a party…”

“I don’t. We’re going to tell our friends Friday, while we celebrate Bucky’s belated birthday. I’ll tell my family later. Much later. You’ve done this before, I understand your heart wasn’t in it, but I’ve never… I didn’t think anyone would stay with me long enough, I started to question my ability to pick the right guy.”

“You ok with your choice?” Jack’s mouth turned downward briefly before he rolled his bottom lip between his teeth.

“I’m not. Not ok. That’s acceptable, tolerable. I’m so in love with you, I’m happy with my choice, with your choice to love me. I feel lucky. Ecstatic.”

“You’re not gonna feel so lucky when I’m done dragging your ass, come on.” Jack grinned, standing up. He led TJ to the couch, and switched on the television. He tossed TJ the game controller, “find something good, I’ll get these dishes taken care of.”

“Is cleanup part of the test Jack?” TJ watched the lines of Jack’s shoulders, back and rear as he gathered dishes from the table.

“I thought we’d both be done at the same time.” Jack said over his shoulder as he carried the dishes into the kitchen, TJ scrolled through games, listening to the water run, and the dishes going into the dishwasher. “Dessert should be done at about the time we’re ready for a break”

“You’re using tactical planning for our evening?” TJ called over the sound of the game as he adjusted the volume. “I could be in trouble with these games after all.”

“I told you, I’m gonna whip your skinny ass.”

“You’re thinking about slapping my ass cheeks again aren’t you?”

“I am now.” Jack leered, peeking out of the kitchen. “Yeah, I am now.”

“Knock it off.” TJ giggled at Jack’s over the top expression. “Hey, you implied you got a ring, when did you plan to start wearing it?”

“I figured I’d wait until after Friday night. Who knows, I might meet someone.” Jack traced his tongue across his top teeth and waggled his eyebrows.

“You’re not gonna get any better than what you see here Benjamin.” TJ grumbled. “I’ll be putting that ring on your finger long before Friday.”

“You may have just won the only game you’re about to win tonight.” Jack teased, grabbing a controller. “Get ready to start losing.”

“Shit no. My winning streak has only just begun.” TJ nudged Jack’s arm. “Go get my prize. I’m putting that ring on your finger.”

Jack gripped the nape of TJ’s neck and pulled him roughly into a kiss, “you go, it’s on my bedside table.”

“Wouldn’t it be amazing if we were just married by the simple act of putting a ring on one another’s fingers? If that was all it took to be official.”

“It would be amazing. What’s even more amazing, is that we don’t have to hide it like that. I don’t want a big deal, but I want you to have a special day, and I deserve to stand up in front of someone and declare my love for you, and my intention to keep myself only for you.”

“Yes.” TJ stopped halfway across the room. “You definitely deserve that Jack. Thank you for the reminder, if I forget again, please give me another nudge.”

TJ hurried into the bedroom, he picked up discarded clothes from earlier, tossed them into a hamper, did the same in the bathroom with the pile of damp towels. He looked into the mirror, “you have to remember that Jack’s in this too.” He told his reflection. “He’s come a long way in a short amount of time, he does deserve to declare himself in front of anyone he chooses. I just need to stand my ground with my mother.”

TJ went to the bed, and found an identical box sitting where Jack had said it would be. He opened it up to find a ring with the same brushed metals, a groove between textures cutting diagonally across the shank of the ring, in the opposite direction it ran on TJ’s band. He turned it around looking for stones, but found none. Hooking the ring over his pinky, TJ turned and left the bedroom.

“Jack? Hey, why no stones? You deserve diamonds baby.”

“I could have gotten them the same, but I chose not to. No symbolism, just aesthetic.”

“Are you sure?” TJ watched Jack carefully. “I can trade you, I don’t…”

“TJ, Kitten, it’s ok. I made a design choice. I love that you’re trying to sacrifice everything, from the light in the house to your ring, but don’t ok?”

TJ knelt at Jack’s feet in front of the sofa, “If you’re sure.”

“Don’t be silly.” Jack caressed TJ’s cheek, “You know if I’d wanted stones, I would have gotten both rings with  stones.”

“I guess intellectually I know it, but it makes me feel…”

Jack picked TJ’s hand up from where it rested on his knee, he saw the ring loosely sitting on TJ’s pinky. “Look at them together, similar, but different. Shimmering, soft and hard at the same time. I’ve had gemstones since I was old enough to classify them. I was supposed to have all the jewels in the kingdom, but what I wound up with was so much more. I have you, you’re priceless. As long as I do right by you, I still have three royal diamonds, which I hold in the palm of my hand, and in the depths of my heart.”

“Now you’re showing off, _and_ trying to make up for naked proposals.” TJ joked to keep tears at bay. “Jack. You asked me to marry you. I need to ask you, will you put up with me for the rest of your life? Will you trust me to soothe your nightmares, and kick your ass at video games? Will you wear a ring that shows everyone that you belong to someone? That you belong to me?”

“You know I will. Yes to all of it, Kitten.”

“Will you help me navigate my mother, and help me plan a wedding the two of us want, with very little interference from family on either side?”

“Yes.” Jack grinned, “You’re going to give in?”

“Only for you, only _if_ you help me like you just promised.”

“I hope you don’t think I give you promises without intent to follow through.”

“No, but my mom can be overbearing. You should really ask Dougie and Anne about their engagement and pre-wedding plans.”

“You’ve told me. I believe you, trust me, I know about overbearing mothers. Trust me, yours, I can handle.”

TJ smiled, he withdrew his hand from Jack’s and took the ring off his pinky. “You can have this, if you promise me no elephants.”

“You have my word.” Jack crinkled his nose, “No elephants.”


	59. Chapter 59

“Shh. You’ll wake the boys.” Janie giggled as quietly as she dared. Bucky’s mouth tickled her breast, and his hair swayed across, tickling her nipple.

“You’re the one making noises.” Bucky whispered, before nipping the soft skin underneath the swell of her breast.

“I’m being tortured, of course I’ll make noises.” Janie teased, pushing against Bucky’s shoulder. “You have to move anyway. I’ve _got_ to use the bathroom.”

“If you were being tortured, you’d just have to stay here, and you wouldn’t get away with pushing me.” Bucky’s lips descended on Janie’s. “But I’m sympathetic to your plight, go.”

Janie sat up, pulling her fingers through Bucky’s hair, and kissed him before scurrying out of the bed. She tugged her bathrobe on before peeking out the bedroom door. Bucky watched her quickly cover her skin, chuckling. She rarely lounged about naked, always covering up for a roommate, his or hers. He followed her out the door, less concerned over his own nudity.

The apartment was empty, except for the two of them. He saw a note on the coffee table that was addressed to Janie. He left it where it sat, and ventured into the kitchen. Putting coffee together wasn’t much different than at his place, since Janie had the same French press she’d given him. He started the process and pulled out ingredients for pancakes. He put the bacon in the oven on a baking sheet, and decided to go find his pants before the wrong things got heated.

Janie almost bumped into Bucky coming out of the bathroom, “Sorry, I didn’t expect you to be streaking through the apartment.”

“I have no shame.” Bucky shrugged, “I do have a sense of self-preservation though, so I’m going to put some pants on before the water boils or the bacon grease escapes.”

“Good idea.” Janie followed him into the bedroom. They watched each other as they pulled their pajamas over their nudity. It was almost as sexy to her as anything they had been or would be doing, until she giggled.

“What? It’s a good thing I’m not self-conscious about my body.” He shook his head.

“That was almost erotic, until I thought about us putting our clothes _on_ being erotic.”

“It wasn’t almost. It was. Covering little inches of skin, hiding it from one another. It’s not impossible for the reverse of exposure to be a turn-on.”

“Ok, fine.” Janie stood in front of the door with her hands on her hips, blocking his exit.

Bucky put his hands over hers before sliding them through and around her waist. “Did I mess things up with my appetite?”

“No, I simply require a kiss before you can pass. Will you stay here while the boys are gone?”

“The whole time? I think I could do that. It adds to travel time for work, but it would be worth it to be alone with you.”

“You work today and tomorrow, and off Friday, right?”

“Friday through Sunday.”

“How was public transportation?”

“It was ok. I managed.” Bucky grinned, “I’m getting better about being in close quarters with people.”

“I know the car service, and I’d be happy to pay Jack back – or I can just give them my credit card. Let me do that for you at least coming home.”

“I could get an Uber, you know that, right?”

“You could be less difficult when someone wants to do something _nice_ for you, right?”

“Yeah, let’s continue this in the kitchen, or we’ll have burnt bacon, or worse, a grease fire.”

“You forgot the kiss.” Janie smirked, stepping up onto her toes.

He pulled her to him, and up against him, leaving her feet dangling, and kissed her roughly. “I forgot nothing.” He growled, setting her back down on his other side, and escaping into the other room.

“You cheat.” Janie chased after Bucky, skidding to a halt when she saw the oven door open. “I guess I shouldn’t chase you into the kitchen.”

“I did warn you.” Bucky smirked, turning the bacon before closing the oven door. He put a skillet on to heat and poured the hot water into the French press. “I was trying to cook breakfast at least semi-safely.”

“What else is on the menu?” Janie asked, poking around the ingredients he had laid out.

“Pancakes. Eggs if you’re interested. They got out of here early.” Bucky started measuring flour for the pancakes. “Left you a note.”

“They did.” Janie agreed, crossing to where Bucky had gestured. “I thought for sure they’d sleep in, or lazily not sleep.”

“Maybe the idea of company spurred them to get out sooner, for our sake as well as theirs.”

“Or, maybe it was Jack’s surprise for TJ.”

“Oh?”

“I heard about a place, they might be able to buy it. They’re staying there for the weekend, I mean if the schedules match up, why not give it a shot?”

“You sure you don’t want to go into real estate?”

“No, I’m happy giving my friend the business. It’s nice to help my friends, all of them.”

“You’re a good egg.” Bucky grinned, holding an egg up between them.

“Oh, dad jokes… yay.” Janie giggled, “How about some music?”

“You’d prefer music over my refined sense of humor?” Bucky teased as Janie pulled out a couple of vinyl records.

“No, nobody can resist your infectious wit.” Janie smirked over the turntable.

Bucky tossed his head and rolled his eyes, but a huge grin couldn’t be tugged from his face. He worked on preparing the pancakes and the eggs, took the bacon from the oven and set it on a plate to drain. The quiet between them was serenaded by a crooning voice he didn’t recognize. He enjoyed watching Janie sway to the music as she pulled out a few more albums. When she finally came back to the kitchenette, she proceeded take over coffee duty. Bucky looked up from the pancake he’d just flipped, “hey Janie? who’s this?”

“Dean Martin.”

“Heard of him, but not familiar.” Bucky said, rolling his lips, “I like it.”

“He…” Janie set her coffee down and picked up her tablet, she pulled up his Wikipedia page, “looks like he debuted in ’46. Yeah, he’s a huge favorite, my mom, and my grandma got me hooked on him.”

“So much happened after I was incapacitated.” Bucky mused. “So much history.”

“You have a lot of culture to be introduced to, it must be daunting.”

“It’s a little crazy, but it’s nice, you know?” Bucky took his coffee from Janie, “Thanks. So many people just know everything about everything. It’s nice to find new things. Even if they’re _not so new_.”

“Well, on Friday, I propose a Dean Martin movie day. It’ll be nice to do that before we go out. It’ll definitely put me in the mood for the club, and I think you’ll enjoy at least some of my favorites.”

“I can’t think of anything I’d rather do.” Bucky announced. He handed Janie a plate and stepped aside while she put her breakfast together.

“You’re not just saying that?” Janie teased.

“I’m not. I like learning about things you enjoy, and it’s something I haven’t had a chance to do yet, besides, the company is worth it even if these favorites of yours are terrible.”

“You can’t go into it thinking that.” Janie said, appalled.

“I was teasing you,” Bucky twirled a curl between his fingers, their plates balanced between them, he reached across the space and kissed her quickly. “I’m sure at least one will be acceptable.”

“Oh, you’re a pain.” Janie grumbled, but she couldn’t keep the sides of her mouth from quirking up. “I’m holding you to at least one.”

Bucky followed Janie to the couch where they sat and ate. “The piano takes up the space where you used to have a table huh?”

“How’d you guess? I mean it’s been a small price to pay – space well used. I do like sitting at your bright little kitchen table.”

“When TJ moves will you keep the piano?”

“Yes, because TJ will come over, and I will bug him to play it. You keep playing that guitar and I’ll bug you all the time too.”

“I don’t think that’s a terrible burden.” Bucky smiled softly, “When are you back to work? Monday?”

“Yeah, back to it. I have and haven’t missed it, you know?”

“I do. Weird confession?”

“Anything. I’ll be the judge of whether or not it’s weird.”

“I kind of miss – don’t give me any crap here it’s only a vague feeling – I kind of miss the army.”

“After all you’ve been through?”

“I didn’t say war, or killing, or any of that being used by Hydra crap. I meant the camaraderie, the sense of purpose, doing things that matter.”

“You’re thinking about signing on to help Steve.” Janie suggested.

“It’s come up, in my head. I don’t know if I’m ready to sign on, but when I come out of those dark thoughts, or when a nightmare washes away, the thought of helping fix problems, helping right wrongs comes with it.”

“You could join the police force or the fire department.” Janie said, teasing, but really not. Those were far safer for him than fighting aliens, or whatever.

“I could. I mean if I can be a humble shopkeeper, I’m not above something like public service. I’m just afraid that I might endanger them though, just because of what I’m capable of. If – and this is a huge, hypothetical if – I were to help out, even part time, at least most of the Avengers are also capable of more, or they have armor, you know? Less of a liability, I guess.”

“Well, there is that.”

“I’ve been thinking about this thing that TJ said too. The clone thing?”

“You can’t buy into that, TJ’s dramatic and even he…”

“Even he is unnerved by it, Janie. Think about it, it sounds so outrageous, but you have two warring factions trying to make super soldiers – plural. Steve was supposed to be one of many. Then there’s me, experimented on by the other side, for the same purpose. What if they were both onto the same idea and tried cloning the only successful soldiers they’d transformed. Before Russia got the – before I obtained the serum that Tony’s father had replicated. What if there are families of failed cloned Steves and Mes?”

“Well, you made something that sounded like a fantasy sound very real, and very scary. and then very stupid. Failed cloned “mes”?” Janie smiled. She was still concerned about how plausible he made it sound, but she wasn’t beyond giggling at something lame.

“You know what I was driving at.”

“You’d have a little family. Or a big one.” Janie considered her pancake, and the topic. “I mean, you’ve already got TJ, he loves you… I mean…”

“I know, I understand. I think the feeling is mutual. Jack – he’s a little more withdrawn than TJ. He’s capable of big love, but he’s guarded.”

“You’re a lot like that.” Janie looked at Bucky, “he has his reasons, just like you do.”

“Oh, I know, I guess I’m just saying he’s not there yet. He likes me, I get that. He’s not afraid of me, I like that.”

“Have I ever told you, I feel weird sometimes, looking at you. I’ve always crushed on TJ a little bit, and I even teased Jack about being intimate with them both. So now, here you are, like the original article, and sometimes I wonder if I conjured you up somehow.”

“You’re not that talented.” Bucky teased. “You’d have had to travel back in time, make me out of whatever clay and stone I’m carved from, and then come back here and wait.”

“I’m not only not that talented, I’m not that patient, nor am I cruel enough to put you through torture I’d know you’d suffered, being a time traveler.” Janie frowned. “You make the best breakfast. Your pancakes rival anything you’ve ever baked, you know that?”

“I’ve always had a fondness for pancakes. They’re pretty easy, even over an open fire, if you’re lucky enough to score some supplies.”

“Something tells me, Sergeant Barnes, Steve Rogers, and the Howlies didn’t need _luck_ to _score_ supplies. How many farm-girls did you all seduce anyway?”

“I’ll confess to using Steve’s good looks, but I’ll defend him, he never seduced anyone, he was too busy being nervous over Peggy Carter. He did come in handy with a smile, the rest of us picked up the slack. There were a few good breakfasts.”

“Were you the camp cook? Or is this a new thing?”

“I didn’t mind pitching in, it made me feel calm even then, with my blood rushing through my veins like a freight train. I just thought, at first, that I was being cowardly, you know? I thought the pounding and blood pumping differently was just a running scared reaction. If you’d seen the weapons they had, saw what they could do… and I saw it firsthand. I thought I was turning yellow, so I would do anything that made that feeling sit down and shut up, so cooking flapjacks was a good thing. Lighting the fire, stoking it, and methodically churning out little steaming cakes for everyone…”

Janie took Bucky’s hand in hers, listening intently, and willing herself not to cry.

“I think I knew, even before then, that it was more than just fear. I saw Steve transformed, and hell, I saw that – Redskull. I just hoped that wasn’t going to happen to me, and I almost preferred the idea of it being cowardice over the alternative.”

“I’m so sorry I brought it up.”

“You didn’t, that was me, remember? I’m not sorry. I’m talking about it pretty normal, if you ask me.”

“You’re doing a fine job. I’m not sure I am.”

“You’re sweet Janie, and you have a vested interest, of course this stuff will bother you.”

“Not so much that I don’t want you to share. I always want you to feel you can share anything with me. Just learn to hold out a tissue and ignore me.” Janie crinkled her nose, blinking away tears and smiling at him. “You have a natural gift for telling stories, I like listening.”

“To horror stories?” Bucky gave her hand a squeeze, “Next time Steve is with us, we’ll pull out some good stories. Tell me something Janie?”

“Anything.”

“Back in my – well you know, a man just sucked it up, went to work, and did his job. Even if he didn’t want to go. What you said about TJ yesterday, taking a mental health day. Is that a thing?”

“Most employers don’t think so, but it’s a good concept. You feeling out of sorts after all that?”

“Some. Mostly, I want to spend the day with you. I don’t want to burden my boss, but I know she’d cover.”

“Bucky, you’ll still have a job if you take time off. Your boss adores you, and you’ve added to her business, if you give her enough time before your shift, I’m pretty sure she’s the type to understand what a “mental health day” is.”

“It seems so self-serving.” Bucky sat forward to put his breakfast plate on the coffee table.

“That’s what it is, alright. Tell me something, you said “some” which means you could go either way after that twenty minute discussion, what would you do if you were mostly unnerved by memories?”

“Push through it, suck it up and go to work.” Bucky sighed.

“Ok, so that backfired. What would you tell me if I called you and said I wasn’t having such a great day?”

“I’d tell you to come see me if you felt like it. Otherwise, I’d bring you tea, or coffee.”

“Call your boss. See if she can cover your shift, if she can’t, I’ll ride with you and even hang out quietly on the patio or something. If she can, we’ll hang out here. I’d much rather have you take a preemptive strike against a bad day.”

“What if it goes bad in spite of everything?” Bucky didn’t think it would, but it wasn’t unheard of.

“Then it’ll be a good thing you’re here, safe, and that you’re not alone. In comparison, TJ’s life has been cake and I applauded him taking a day for himself. Why wouldn’t I be your cheerleader right now?”

“You’re right.” Bucky reached for his phone and sent a text to his boss, missing work for _feelings_ and _texting_ the excuse seemed so foreign to him. He’d been told by his boss that a text was preferred in cases like this but today was the first time he’d ever texted her anything that wasn’t store related… or… well, something he needed… “You know? You’re right. This is something I need.” He said as he watched the phone for a reply.

“I’m always right.” Janie said playfully, as she put her hand on his arm. “More coffee?”

“Please.” He said quietly, instead of looking at the reply that finally came, vibrating it’s notification in his hand. He unlocked the device and read the messages, “ _Isn’t Janie coming home soon? Take the rest of the week, I can use some time in the shop anyway. I got your email on the remerchandising, and I like it. Can I start on that? Or did you want me to save it for you?_ ”

Janie set his coffee on the table in front of him, looking at his confused expression. “You ok?”

“She just gave me the rest of the week, and liked my remerchandising proposal.”

“You’re an asset, in the best possible way. She recognizes that and is rewarding you.” Janie went back to the sink to put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. “You mean to tell me you’re stuck with me after all?”

“I’m not stuck.” Bucky said, sending a quick answer back to his boss. “I’m happy to spend the time with you. We can Dean Martin all day if you want, or we can save it for Friday.”

“Movies it is.” Janie smiled, “you want to pick a title?”

“I suppose I can make the first selection.” Bucky scrolled through the choices. “Obviously anything goes, since it’s on here, but any suggestions?”

“Anything goes is right.”

Bucky landed on Rio Bravo, “You like westerns?”

“Sure, some are good, I like that one, John Wayne, and cute Ricky Nelson plus Dino. You might appreciate Angie Dickinson in this, she’s stunning.”

“How’s the story?” Bucky teased as she sat down next to him.”

“Traditional western fare. It’s good, it’s fun, guns, explosions, horses, dirt and cacti. There’s even a little singing.”

“Sounds like a recipe for a western all right.” Bucky kissed Janie, “Thank you for this.”

“Any time.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have Bucky's birthday shindig written yet, but hopefully it won't be as belated here as it is in the story ;) I am going to plan to have it written by the end of the weekend, help me tell TJ, Jack, Steve, Millie, Janie, Simon, and Bucky to cooperate... :)


	60. Chapter 60

Steve came through the front door, and was met with the homey aroma of warm cotton, freshly ironed and was that starch? He peered through Bucky’s open door to see Bucky in a pair of vintage trousers and an undershirt, and was transported to 1940.

“Hey Buck.”

Bucky turned with a smile, “Hey Steve.”

“You wanna do mine too?” Steve grinned.

“Already done.”

“Janie cut your hair? Looks great.”

“Yeah,” Bucky blushed and smiled. “A sight better than your cut was.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t do the best job, but we were going into battle soon.”

“You were nervous, don’t blame the pending skirmish in Gilboa, you were afraid to spook me. I’ll have Janie cut my hair, I’ll have you at my back if I have to go to battle. It’s all in the training.”

“This brings me back.” Steve said, sitting on the edge of Bucky’s bed, watching him iron the cuffs of the shirtsleeves. “I haven’t done this in ages.”

“Always sending out your shirts and pants, like a true officer.” Bucky teased. “I find it soothing. Besides, it reminds me of family.”

“You ready for this party thing?” Steve pressed the fingertips of one hand against the fingertips of the other and sat forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Yeah, dancing and friends. It’s supposed to be normal, right? Is Sam coming in?”

“Yeah, he’s coming, I tried to get him to bring a friend, but last I heard, he didn’t want to press his luck.”

“TJ’s asked Simon to come, I don’t know him at all. Sam should bring a date. Speaking of dates,” Bucky turned to look at Steve, “Since you had the place to yourself for a few days, did you bring Millie over? I know you’re meeting her kid tomorrow, but did you two have a chance to talk?”

“Yeah, actually.” Steve blushed. “We did.”

“Oh, and then some.” Bucky chuckled. “Good for you. I hope you know you can bring her home any time.”

“Jeez.” Steve blew out an exasperated breath. “Yeah, I know.”

Bucky chuckled, “You gonna get dressed or not? We’ve got places to go Steve.”

“Yeah, thanks for doing my shirt.”

“and your pants.” Bucky nodded toward the hangers on the doorknob to his closet. “Nice threads.”

“Janie did a great job.” Steve smiled as he walked past Bucky to his clothes. “You paid a lot more attention to our mothers than I ever did. These look great.”

Bucky tossed a thank you over his shoulder as Steve left the room whistling “The Way You Look Tonight”.

Steve turned the shower to _almost_ hot and stripped out of his jeans and t-shirt. He thought about the days spent with Millie as he stepped into the shower. A space they had shared more than once.

> The first time it had happened, she had been sitting on the sofa while he hurried and cleaned up, and the next thing he knew he was blushing as she called “Steve? Can I join you?” through the door.
> 
> “Uh,” smooth Steve, he scrambled for a better response, “Yeah, come in.” not much better. It wasn’t as though this would be their first intimate moment, but even that wasn’t still new, so many things were.
> 
> She stepped through the door and within moments was standing behind him in the tub. He turned to face away from the spray and saw her chestnut curls falling limp and wet against her shoulders and breasts. He looked up into her warm brown eyes. They danced with laughter. “You’re pink, you should turn the heat down.”
> 
> “It’s not the water, you know that.”
> 
> “Here I was trying to give you an out.” She reached up and pushed an errant drip of shampoo he’d missed because of her interruption. “You’ll forgive my impatience?”
> 
> Steve slipped his arms around her waist, rubbing his hands against the smoothness of her skin. “I don’t think there’s anything to forgive.”
> 
> He’d kissed her and she kissed back, dragging her hands down the hardness of his back, fingers tracing every sinewy muscle.

That first shower together had been about exploration, but subsequent showers had advanced to shower sex. The thought had him facing the shower spray, bracing himself against the wall with one hand on the tile as he stroked himself.

Images of Millie in the shower, ideas for what to expect from her description of what she was wearing, and a strong sex drive made the shower last a lot longer than Steve had expected. He was just finishing up when Bucky thumped his fist on the door once and called, “Steve, the girls are here.”

“I’ll be right out.” Steve blushed as he hurried to finish. Once out of the shower, he took the extra time to moisturize and dry his skin. He slowed down as he looked at himself in the mirror, “Why am I like this?” his reflection smiled back at him. He finished getting ready and opened the door to see Millie and Janie looking as if they’d stepped out of the forties. He’d seen a lot of ‘costumed’ girls getting things wrong, but never could bring himself to judge them, since they were having fun, but these girls didn’t get anything wrong. “Hi you two, wow.” He was struck speechless, not exactly something he was used to, but it was oddly familiar.

“Hi yourself.” Janie said with a smile, “You clean up nice Rogers.”

“Thanks to you and Bucky.” His smile was tender, and softened more just before he hugged Millie, “this is – you – wow.”

Millie brought her hand to Steve’s cheek, “You said that.”

“I know, sorry, you look beautiful.”

“Don’t they?” Bucky beamed, “Janie has had her hands full with hair all day, first mine then her own and Millie’s.”

“Are you going to be ok with this Steve?” Janie was concerned, his reaction in the vintage shop and his uncharacteristic bashfulness had her on alert.

“Yeah, I was just bowled over, you two look like you came forward in time.”

“Well thank you. I’m pretty sure the club won’t be a sensory overload like the shop was, and this. Did we come too early?” Janie asked, looking from Bucky to Steve.

“No, I got distracted, I only have to put my shoes on and grab my jacket.” Steve couldn’t believe he was making excuses for his shower activities, but there it was.

“Bucky, what did you do to help Steve?” Janie asked as she smoothed Bucky’s jacket over his chest.

“I ironed his stuff. Nothing like a fresh pressed shirt, huh Stevie?” Bucky smiled, grabbing a hat from the hook by the door and settling it on his head.

“Took me back. He looked like a stranger and like someone I knew at the same time.”

“That’s me all the time, don’t let him kid you.” Bucky put his hand on Janie’s back, watching Millie hold Steve’s jacket out to him. “You ready?”

“I’m ready if you are,” Steve stood holding the door, “should be a good time.”

Bucky laughed, it seemed Steve was also a stranger _and_ someone he knew. He clearly remembered getting ready to go out dancing and having to be much more encouraging to get Steve to come along.

They reached the front stoop and Bucky stopped, pulling Janie back by the arm when she kept walking. She looked up at him, then followed his gaze to the curb, instantly worried that they’d messed up when she and Millie had brainstormed with Jack and TJ. “You ok Bucky?”

He was smiling and had a soft look, “You did this for me?” He could only take his eyes off the dark red 1936 Buick Roadmaster long enough to search her face before looking back at the car.

“Yeah, it’s your birthday, you said ‘go nuts’.” She put her arms around his waist.

“Wow.” Bucky kissed the side of her head before kissing her lips, “Thank you.”

“I can’t take all the credit, Millie had the idea, and we roped Jack and TJ in on the surprise.”

“Look at ‘er Steve.” Bucky grinned hugging Janie close, and leading her to the car without loosening his hold. “We have Millie and Janie to thank.”

“You’re welcome Bucky, happy birthday.” Millie replied.

“Well, thank you for that too Millie.” Bucky held the door to the Buick and waited as Millie climbed in.

Steve, with a smile on his face, clapped Bucky on the shoulder, “makes me worry about what next month will inspire them to do.”

“You deserve whatever you get.” Bucky smirked, watching Steve slide in next to Millie. “Janie, slide in here next to Steve, we’ll have one of them ride up front on the way back.”

“Did you somehow call shotgun or what?” Janie kissed his cheek, “Sneaky.”

“Just the luck of the draw, doll.” Bucky grinned, before closing the door behind her. He wondered if Steve remembered how bouncy the back seats of these things could be.

* * *

 

When they pulled up in front of the club, Bucky recognized the rear taillights and bumper of another period car. The rear door opened and Jack climbed out, followed by TJ and then another man, he guessed this was Simon, got out. Bucky opened the front door of the Roadmaster and climbed out, opening Janie’s door before the driver could make it around. Bucky offered Janie his arm, leaving Steve to escort Millie.

After Janie moved from hugging TJ to Jack, Bucky pulled TJ in for a tight hug, “Hey, thanks for coming TJ.” Surprising Jack, he wrapped an arm around his shoulder, hugging him close )surprising himself too if he were to take a moment to think about it). “Thank you Jack, TJ. What a great way to get to a party.”

Bucky stepped back, looked at Simon with what he hoped was veiled curiosity. “You must be Simon. TJ said he was trying to convince you to come.” Bucky offered his hand.

Simon shook Bucky’s hand, “Yeah, that’s me. I’ve heard a lot about you, all of you. TJ speaks very highly. I honestly hope I’m not intruding.”

“Not in the least. TJ says you’re a friend, that’s good enough for me.” Bucky hoped his nerves weren’t showing. He _wanted_ this, but as more heads were counted, it was cause for a bit of unease.

Janie linked her fingers with Bucky’s, whispering, “Your hand is shaking.”

“I’ll be fine. Drink in hand, girl on the dancefloor, I’ll be ok.”

TJ introduced Simon to everyone else, before rounding Back to Bucky, “Before we go inside, before the drivers take the cars around, I hope nobody minds, especially you, Bucky. Janie thought having someone take a few pictures would be fun or something, so this is Ryan, he’s a friend of mine. He’ll be a table away, drinking and taking pictures. Can we do a couple in front of the cars?”

“Sure.” Bucky put a hand on TJ’s shoulder, “don’t worry TJ, she warned me ahead of time about the photographer. He’s ducking out early too, right?”

“Yeah, I just didn’t want anybody with a history of ptsd and anxiety to misread some guy as random paparazzi or a worse threat.”

“How did you manage to surround yourself with so many of us?” Bucky teased.

“I guess I was already used to hypervigilance, and the best people I know are that way, so…” TJ shrugged. “I love you guys.”

“Did you send a fancy car for Sam? Or is he walking? Tell me he’s walking. Better yet, flying in?”

Janie tugged on Bucky’s hand, giving him a reproachful look that dissolved into giggles, “be nice.”

“He’ll be here.” TJ shrugged again, “in a car.”

“Oh, well. He should get the same treatment I guess.” Bucky stood beside Janie for a picture in front of the car, his hat tipped in a carefree angle, she stepped in front of him, drawing his hands across her waist for another photo just before another car pulled up behind theirs. Judging by the car, Bucky could only assume that it was Sam.

Steve greeted Sam with wide arms and a giant hug, “So glad you decided to come. This is Millie. Millie, my good friend and work partner, Sam.”

“Look at you, all dolled up.” Sam teased Steve. “Millie, the honor’s all mine. Steve can’t stop saying nice things about you.”

“Sam.” Steve started.

“Thank you Sam. He’s done the same where you’re concerned.” Millie took Sam’s offered hand. “Now I can find out what he’s been saying about me, would you like to compare notes?”

Steve rolled his eyes and laughed, relieved when Janie called them over for a photograph.

“Sam, thank you for coming.” Janie hugged Sam tightly, “No date huh? Don’t think that will keep you off the dancefloor.”

“Hey Sam. Long time. I’ll drag you out there myself if you even think of playing the wallflower Sam.” TJ teased, “I’m glad you came.”

“TJ.” Sam clasped TJ in a one-armed hug, “How’s everything?”

“Better.” TJ stood beside Sam, his arm still across his back, “Hey, this is Simon, he’s my writing partner. Simon Carter, this is Sam Wilson.”

Simon had decided not to ditch his glasses, but had obviously decided rumpled wasn’t going to cut it. He’d dressed sharply in a white button-up with the sleeves folded halfway up his forearms, and a pair of maroon trousers and wing-tip shoes. He offered his hand to Sam, “Sam. Nice to meet you.”

“I see what TJ was saying, you do look a lot like Steve.” Sam replied, shaking Simon’s hand “I won’t hold that against you. Good to meet you Simon. Jack… How are you man?”

“Still lazy. Work starts next week. I hope you’re right about my coworkers.” Jack extended his hand to Sam next. “I’m glad you were able to get away. Janie’s really been excited about tonight.”

Sam looked across the space at Janie and Bucky standing together, smiling. “I’m  glad I came too. How are they getting along?”

“Steve hasn’t kept you updated? They’re good. I think love words have been exchanged,” Jack added with a conspiratory wink.

“Ooh love words. I’m not letting that one slide.” Sam chuckled, “looks like we should be following TJ’s lead and getting the group picture done before Bucky ducks inside without us.”

“Janie won’t let him, TJ might be wrangling, but Janie instigated it. Guy’s name is Ryan, he’ll be hanging out for a while.”

Sam nodded. “Thanks for the heads up.”

Jack looked around, TJ _was_ wrangling Steve, and Millie, who was chatting with Simon. Bucky was hiding behind the brim of his fedora, a raw-edged brown that complimented his brown jacket and trousers. He moved carefully around the crowd to Bucky’s left side. “You doin’ ok?”

“Two people so far seem to think I’m not.” Bucky smiled sheepishly, “Pictures are ok, being out in the open like this is unsettling. I think once we’re inside, with the music and drinks, I’ll be fine.”

“I appreciate the hat.” Jack tipped his gray Homburg. “TJ laughed.” He added with a wink.

“To tell the truth, I always wanted one of these. It was a splurge.”

“I thought, this may be my ignorance showing, but I thought that hats were a staple.” Jack indicated the fedora.

“Oh, for men with money, yeah. It was a flat cap for me. My first – and last – structured hat was my military uniform.”

“Before now.” Jack smiled. “Looks great. Looks like it’s time to pose and then I’m buying your first drink.”

“In about a half-hour you think TJ will sneak out with me for a smoke?” Bucky asked, flinging his arm across Jack’s shoulder and leading him back toward the group.

“Yeah.” Jack laughed. “You’ll be all set by then, I’m sure.”

* * *

 

Once inside the club, with music playing and the group surrounding a pair of tables butted together close to the dancefloor, Bucky took the opportunity to look around. The place was warm, wood floors and bar, illuminated with golden lighting. It felt far more familiar than he’d expected. Making eye contact with Steve, he could see he wasn’t the only one that felt that way.

Dinner was served before the band started, with ambient music filling the space between. Bucky looked around the table, friends, family really, gathered to celebrate him. He shook his head, reminding himself he was taking back.

Janie put her hand on Bucky’s thigh when she saw him tuning out. Reassuring without demand for a response. He took a breath, breaking his roll and popping a piece of the warm bread into his mouth before covering her fingers with his. He looked at her with a smile, squeezing her hand gently, and went back to his dinner, listening to the lively discussion going around the table, TJ and Simon talking about the musical, and Jack and Sam discussing business. Steve and Millie tried to engage him in something, so he was obligated to speak, and to pay attention.

“I’m sorry. Could you repeat that? I missed everything you just said.” He admitted.

“Steve was telling me how you could tear up the dancefloor back in the day.” Millie said gently, “I was wondering if you were planning on outshining those of us who have only started learning.”

“Sweetheart, I’m a gentleman, and a gentleman _never_ plans to outshine a lady.” Bucky smiled. “ _If_ he knows what’s good for him.”

“Won’t stop him from trying to one-up his pals though, right Buck?”

“You got that right. Just wait til the band gets going. I’ll dance with _all_ your partners.”

Laughing and teasing, felt good. It felt great, and the nerves started to quiet. After the dinner course, Bucky pulled two cigarettes from his coat pocket and caught TJ’s eye. TJ nodded and excused himself, and Bucky did the same, following TJ outside.

“Thanks TJ.” Bucky handed TJ the smoke, “I think this will do the trick.”

“It’s more than you bargained for?” TJ leaned against the wall of the building, as he lit the cigarette.

“No. I don’t think… I didn’t know what to expect, I’m feeling better than when we pulled up, knew I would be.” Bucky took a long draw from the smoke, “I am having a nice time, and as soon as I can get out on the dancefloor, I think it’ll be even better.”

“I understand. Maybe it’s excitement manifesting as anxiety? Or a combination?” TJ tipped his head back against the wall, blowing out a puff of smoke, “Listen, any time it gets to be too much, Janie has the car service number, go ahead and slip out, we’ll keep everyone out of your hair.”

“I appreciate it, and I’ll keep it in mind in case I need it, but I’m leaning toward excitement. For the most part, I’ve been looking forward to tonight.”

“Jack and I were goofing around last night,” TJ grinned, “comparing dance moves.”

“Either of you jitterbug? Or is it strictly waltz in the world of politics and royalty?”

“Are you seriously bringing this outside?” TJ laughed, “I have to tell you Jack can dance.”

“But what about TJ?” Bucky asked, cigarette balanced between his lips.

“TJ can manage.” TJ nodded. “This isn’t a dance-off challenge for real is it?”

“Just feeling my way around, wondering who’s partner I’m gonna steal, Jack’s or yours.” Bucky laughed. “You think I won’t do it?”

“You’re the last person I worry about being homophobic, Bucky.” TJ dropped the foot that was resting against the brick wall, “I’m pretty sure you’ll do it if the band’s good.”

“Sounds like we’ll be finding out soon.” Bucky jerked his head toward the door where they could hear the sounds of the live act getting situated. He put out the cigarette on one of the bricks before discarding the butt in the nearby receptacle. “Thanks for coming out in the middle of your “getaway”. It means a lot.”

TJ nursed his cigarette, watching Bucky wander along the curb, “Yeah, of course. We’ve mostly been gaming nerds.”

“and the ring? Did you win that in one of your matches?”

“Oh, I won alright.” TJ beamed. “Jack proposed. Must seem weird to you.”

“Weird? Two people love each other and want to be together, that’s not weird TJ. Not to me.” Bucky stopped in front of TJ, his hands dipped into his back pockets, “I knew it would only be a matter of time, but that really is great news.”

“Good, you can come to the wedding. We’re probably going to elope.”

“I’ve never crashed an elopement before.” Bucky laughed.

“I have. It was great, but you’re invited, so I’m sorry to dash your hopes. I don’t think you can crash if you're invited.” TJ paused. “I wonder if it’s still eloping if we drag friends along with us.”

“It is if you want it to be.” Bucky clapped TJ on the shoulder as TJ discarded his cigarette butt, “I’m ready to go back in now, if you are.”

“I’m out here for the smoke.” TJ shrugged. “I’m ready to see you out-dance everybody like you claimed you could.”

“Somehow I think it’s going to be different from dancing in Janie’s living room.”

“Yeah, but it’s probably not much different from the old days. If you can still dance, you’ll be fine.”

“I didn’t do too badly when I danced with Janie.” Bucky nodded, “we should get back inside before she thinks I ditched her.”

TJ laughed, following Bucky through the door.

* * *

Janie looked up to see TJ and Bucky come in. She’d been involved in conversation with Sam and Simon since before they left, but not so much she didn’t notice them going. She was, telling them all about the coronation in Gilboa. Sam had been asking basic questions about the trip, and Simon needed more information, he wanted to know all about the atmosphere, the food and the music. She was used to creative people, and figured it was the writer in him needing details. She was happy to oblige, because half of the people she had to talk to about it weren’t interested, and the other half had been with her.

“Hey, there you are.” She said loud enough to be heard over the band, smiling when Bucky came to stand behind her chair, laying his hands on her shoulders.

“Yeah. We heard the band.” Bucky said next to Janie’s ear just a little too loud, “May I have this dance?”

“You bet.” Janie grinned. “TJ and Jack, come on.”

TJ was leading Jack from his seat as Janie was cheering them on. Janie tapped Steve’s shoulder, smiling as he looked up at her with his own resigned smile, “You’re really gonna make me do this.”

“Nope, but Millie is.” Janie shrugged when Steve turned to Millie, she laughed when he rolled his eyes at Millie’s affirmative nod.

“Millie is.” To soften the blow an endearing smile accompanied the flirty toss of her curls. “You can do this.”

“Sure he can. Taught him _everything_ _I know_.” Bucky ribbed Steve.

“I hope you don’t mind I took over and taught him practical knowledge.” Millie hooked her arm through Steve’s, “Come on honey, let’s show ‘em we know what we’re doing.”

“Well, can’t argue with that.” Steve blushed. “Excuse us Simon, Sam.”

“No go on.” Sam shook his head with a lift of his eyebrows. “I’ll be out there before you know it.”

“Simon’s gonna go ask that girl over there to dance, aren’t you Simon?” Janie’s teasing tone was tempered by her encouraging smile. “Go on…”

“I’ll think about it.” Simon rubbed the back of his neck, trying not to look at the girl in question.

Janie had seen the flirtation, and she saw this obvious attempt to hide. “No rush, we’re here a while.”

“You’re placating me?” Simon asked as Janie dragged Bucky away, “She’s something else.”

As the only one left at the table with Simon, Sam laughed. “Janie’s something else alright. You should though. Don’t worry about me, my dance partner is just running late. I’m willing to bet she shows up before this song ends.”

Simon sucked air between his teeth, looked out at the dancefloor, and back at Sam. “It can’t hurt.”

“No it can’t.” Sam laughed again, taking a drink. He watched Simon push his chair back and shake his head as though he was questioning everything. As Simon walked around their table, Sam watched Steve dancing with Millie. He was happy that one finally found someone who made him smile. When Bucky and Janie danced into view, Sam shook his head. He did _not_ see that level of happiness coming for this one, but after all he’d endured, Sam knew it was long past time.

“This seat taken?” his role as spectator was interrupted by the sultry voice of his date. Sam turned around in his seat to bump his leg against Natasha’s. “It is now. Ooh, you look fantastic.”

Dressed in a green formfitting wiggle dress, with her red hair in immaculate victory rolls, Natasha smiled, putting her arm across Sam’s shoulders. “Dance with me?”

“I thought you’d never ask.” Sam took her hand in his, “it was worth the wait.”

“I’m glad you realized it.” Natasha laughed, leading Sam to the dancefloor. She laughed even more when he pulled her close and kissed her before spinning her out.

TJ and Jack had danced two dances to two very up-tempo songs when TJ dragged Jack back to the table. “I need a drink.”

“Don’t think you’re getting out of dancing with me again Kitten.” Jack teased.

“So, you know who Sam’s date is don’t you?” TJ sat heavily onto the wood chair.

“No.” Jack shook his head, shoving his chair next to TJ’s and sitting close to him. “who?”

“Natasha Romanoff.”

“Seriously?” Jack turned in his seat, leaning against TJ’s shoulder and looking out onto the dancefloor before looking back at TJ. “I mean, it makes sense, they know each other; what?”

“You’re star struck.” TJ grinned.

“No way. I’ve met dignitaries, I’ve slept with the sons of world leaders…”

“and daughters, I’m sure.” TJ replied drily. “You have your “that’s Captain Fucking America” face on, only bigger and brighter. You’re star struck.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, she’s going to be my coworker.”

“Listen dollface,” TJ clapped his hand on Jack’s thigh, “The Black Widow isn’t anybody’s coworker.”

“You’re as star struck as you say I am.” Jack grinned before kissing TJ abruptly, “You’ve met her before, what’s she like?”

“Intimidating. Look at her.” TJ chewed on his lip before turning to kiss Jack again. “But she’s also very nice.”

Jack’s chair was bumped into roughly. He turned slightly to glance at the offender, expecting a rushed apology, or a chagrined look. He didn’t expect them to shove their chairs even closer to his and TJ’s. He sat up away from TJ, straightened his spine and squaring his shoulders, alerting TJ. TJ didn’t look over his shoulder, instead glancing out of the corner of his eye at Jack. He felt his chair being jostled again, and his stomach lurched as he heard slurs being tossed around between the younger men.

“Speaking of intimidating.” Jack said quietly.

All TJ could think about was the beating in Gilboa, Jack pounding on the guy. Memories of being kicked in the chest and ribs were closing in on him with the intrusion into his personal space. TJ looked at Jack, with unspoken pleas to not engage.

Jack put a hand on TJ’s thigh “it’s ok TJ.” At the same time, Steve and Bucky approached the table. The room was spinning and then at the touch it stopped. TJ looked up to see Bucky and Steve standing over the boys who had entangled their wooden chair backs with TJ’s and Jack’s chairs. Bucky elbowed Steve and they stood as a wall with their shoulders squared and arms crossed.

“You boys having a good time menacing others?” Bucky’s soft voice came out gruff, and the look on his face was foreboding. If TJ didn’t know him as well as he did, he’d have been more frightened of Bucky right now than the group of college kids trying to make their point. “I’m gonna ask you once to unblock my friends and move your chairs back a respectable distance.”

TJ wanted to turn and look, he felt embarrassed that he needed someone to protect him from this, and more so that he was intimidated to the extent that he simply couldn’t look these _kids_ in the eye.

“Is there a problem here?” their server stopped and asked Steve, the more approachable of the two, but not by much.

“Not much of one really.” Steve shrugged, “Thank you. If I’m wrong, you might need to reseat this group of people. I don’t think I’m wrong though. Am I fellas?”

Over the band, TJ could hear the sound of the wooden chairs being dragged across the hardwood floors and the space between them opened up again. The grumbled apologies addressed to Steve and Bucky weren’t quite so easy to hear.

TJ balled his hands into fists in his lap and closed his eyes tight against the stinging tears. He didn’t want to be rescued, he didn’t want to shut down like that. He _didn’t want_ Jack’s tender reassurance that things were ok. He felt ashamed that he didn’t push back on his own. That he didn’t stand up and tell them to _back off._

“TJ.”

TJ looked up to see Bucky holding a cigarette up. “Yeah.” TJ nodded. “Jack?”

“In a minute. You go ahead.”

Once outside _again_ TJ doubled over, breathing hard. “Fuck.”

“Flashback?” Bucky asked quietly as he patted TJ’s back.

“Kinda, I guess. Jack’s alone in there.”

“TJ, Jack’s far from alone, he’s with Steve and Sam. Fuck even Natasha Romanoff is in there. Jack’s fine.”

“Right.”

“What happened?” Bucky asked, lighting the cigarette before handing it to TJ.

“We were talking – about Natasha actually.” TJ took the smoke as he righted himself, “Thanks. Jack kissed me – I kissed Jack – and they started closing in on us. I could have – I should have stood up, not let them get us pinned.”

“You don’t have to take responsibility. If you were having flashbacks to having the shit kicked out of you, don’t even let that make you feel inadequate.”

“I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t be worrying about me at your celebration. Where’d the girls go anyway?”

“They went to the ladies room. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter who’s celebration it is, if one of us is in trouble the rest step up. Whether it’s internal or caused by assholes.”

“Well, thanks for stepping up. I can’t believe I froze like that.”

“You were fine.” Jack said as he approached. “I’m kinda glad neither of us got our asses kicked this time.”

Bucky took the cigarette from TJ as TJ wrapped his arms around Jack. “I’m used to name-calling and all of that, but…”

“They were getting too close for comfort, I know.” Jack ruffled TJ’s hair, “You ok now?”

“I’m not going to be if anybody else asks me that. What happened in there after we left?”

“Our table filled up again. Nothing like a bunch of big guys sitting, staring you down to make you back down, you know?”

“Yeah.” TJ smiled. “Let’s get back inside.”

“Only if you’re sure.” Jack hooked his arm through TJ’s, “and if Bucky’s done.”

“Bucky’s gonna have something to say if things aren’t right when we get back inside.” Bucky crushed the cigarette between his metal fingers. “You ready?”

“Yeah.” TJ chuckled softly, far less intimidated by this former assassin than by a bunch of college kids. “I should have remembered who I was out with before I let panic take over.”

“Yeah,” Bucky tossed his left arm over TJ’s shoulder, “funny how panic doesn’t give a shit about your surroundings.”

“Thanks Bucky.” TJ’s nerves settled further, “I see you’re not gonna let me take any of it personally.”

“That’s what friends do. Let’s go back, tear up that dancefloor, and don’t give those kids a second thought.”

The three must have made quite a sight walking in together. Jack’s arm was still linked through TJ’s and Bucky’s arm went right back across TJ’s shoulders once they’d cleared the door. It was only in fleeting moments like this that TJ remembered that they looked alike. For all the dark scowls Bucky could muster and Jack’s hard glare, he knew he appeared the softest of the three of them. What nobody outside their circle of friends knew was that they all had their soft moments and tonight’s shrinking violet moment aside, TJ had his dark side too.

“You may be wondering how many of us it takes to smoke one cigarette.” TJ joked as he stood behind his chair. “Ms. Romanoff, nice to see you again. May I introduce my fiancé Jack, and this is…”

“Bucky.” Natasha’s smile was faint, “James.”

“Natalia.” Bucky was blushing, and TJ was curious about this exchange. “We’ve met TJ. Long, long ago. You look beautiful.”

“You look well. Janie tells me you’re settling into a very peaceful life.”

There was a history between them, on that TJ was clear, and it felt like a story for a rainy day. There didn’t seem to be a trace of the bitterness that usually accompanied ex-lovers. At least in TJ’s experiences.

“Maybe too peaceful.” Bucky sat across from Nat and Sam, “So, this is your mystery date Sam?”

“Not so much a mystery,” Sam linked fingers with Natasha.

TJ was impressed, she didn’t seem as intimidating as he remembered.

“Jack, I’m so sorry. It’s nice to meet you.”

“No apologies necessary,” Jack graced Natasha with one of his friendliest smiles, “I’m pleased to meet you as well. I’m so glad you were able to join us.”

“Enough with the formalities.” Sam decided. “Personally, I’m ready for another dance, Nat?”

Janie took TJ’s hand as Sam and Natasha headed back to the dancefloor, “My turn to steal TJ away, ok Jack?”

“I don’t mind, if Bucky doesn’t mind you leaving him behind.”

“I don’t have any problem with that, I’ll sit this one out, if you don’t mind the company.” Bucky filled TJ’s chair when TJ followed Janie to the dancefloor.

TJ knew it was coming when Janie pulled him close, “Are you ok?”

“It was that obvious.” TJ muttered.

“I know you.” Janie corrected him gently, “and it was kinda obvious, to hear the others tell it. Millie and I missed everything. You don’t think I would have left Bucky and Steve to defend you if I saw it happen?”

TJ laughed before kissing Janie’s forehead. “No, you wouldn’t have missed out on doling out your own threatening looks. I should be immune to that kind of garbage Janes. I’m a fucking adult.”

“So, what happened then?”

“Flashback to Gilboa.”

“You mean that time you could have been killed? You were bedridden for weeks?”

“Practically. and yeah, that’s the one.”

“Do I have to remind you that a bunch of guys pressing in on you is an invasion of your space, and not something you’re supposed to _ever_ be immune to?”

“I suppose you do.” TJ smiled. “Let’s not make tonight about that, about us. Jack went through it too and I didn’t even ask him how he’s doing. Tonight’s for Bucky, Janes.”

“I know it is, and I’m sure you’re going to talk to Jack, don’t worry about it being an afterthought. When you have a problem, you fix it first and then help the next guy, even your _fiancé_.”

“Yeah, we really were going to tell everyone, but wanted to do it kinda low key. It’s Bucky’s night, not ours.”

“Bucky told me about it.”

“He’s observant, he asked.” TJ shrugged. “How about you dance with him now that you know I’m ok.”

“Or I can finish my dance with you, then you can go back to Jack. When you do, don’t hesitate to flag us down if there’s another incident.”

“Something tells me the management is watching.” TJ laughed. “I’m glad you’re still stubborn enough to call me out. Thanks Janes.

“Any time TJ.”

As the band wound down, they headed back toward the table. “Bucky, thank you for lending me your girlfriend, I’m returning her… she’s far too beautiful to be dancing with me.”

“I’m afraid I have to agree, but we’re lucky guys, aren’t we?” Bucky traded TJ spots, “Janie?”

“I’d love to, if you think we can leave these two alone.”

“We’ll be _just fine_.” TJ scoffed as Janie poked her tongue out at him. “Thank you.”

“Where were we?” Jack asked, taking TJ’s hand in his and rolling the ring around TJ’s finger thoughtfully.

“Well, first things first,  are you ok?”

“I’m fine. I was about to throw an elbow over the back of my chair when the super soldiers showed up. Probably better that it worked out that way.”

“Yeah.” TJ’s gut clenched. “Please don’t make that your first reaction every time Jack.”

“You mean violence?” Jack’s fingers stopped and he shot TJ an earnest look, “that’s what therapy’s for. I’m not complaining about having backup. That was at least part of what drained the color from your face, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. I can’t stand the thought of you getting hurt, or losing yourself so much in the moment that you’re… I just don’t want you to have any more regrets than you’ve already struggled through.”

“Hey, I may have some demons to face, but I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather have at my back when I do. Pride has me frustrated that I let someone else back them down. Wisdom tells me I’m lucky they were here so we don’t have to be on the news in such a light again. Think what it might mean for our adoption process.”

“Jesus.” TJ sighed. “I think I’m just going to become an eccentric hermit churning out random songs every couple of years. Raising my kid in obscurity.”

Jack laughed aloud, “you don’t mean that.”

“I could be very serious.” TJ tossed Jack a quizzical look, “You don’t know.”

“I know.” Jack leaned in and kissed TJ, “dance with me.”

TJ rolled his eyes as he kissed Jack back before following him out to the dancefloor to forget about the thoughts that were never welcome anyway.

* * *

“Everything ok with TJ? He was pretty shaken up.” Bucky said against Janie’s cheek as they danced close together.

“Don’t let him know you’re still thinking about it.” Janie smiled. “He’s worried he’s ruining your celebration.”

“If he only knew how many times I’ve gone out into an alley. Today really was nothing in comparison. You know? It was odd and cool having Steve stand shoulder to shoulder with me instead of being the one sucking in air.”

“Don’t tell TJ that either.” Janie laughed. “He’s coming to grips with the almost-panic attack being an _ok thing_. If you talk about his compromised position too soon, you’ll undo everything I just did.”

“and me. I was out there cheering him on.”

“I know. I’m so glad you care as much as you do. He’s special to me. Do I have to worry about you and _Natalia_?”

“Changing the subject I see. No. We’re ancient history. I would never do that to you or to Sam. Trust me?”

“Always.” Janie pressed a quick kiss to Bucky’s lips just as the band changed tempo.

* * *

Bucky and Janie’s lindy cleared the dancefloor, leaving the crowd surrounding them, watching. Steve put his hand on Millie’s back and smiled when she asked him “Is this how it used to be?”

“More times than not.” Steve said with laughter in his voice. “He’s something else.”

“Janie’s a good fit, what a beautiful couple.”

“I agree.” Natasha said as she and Sam stepped out of the rear of the crowd, “They’re incredibly complimentary.”

“What do you think of the dancing?” Steve asked Nat, knowing her skills.

“They’re good. Hard to imagine the last time I was spinning around with him, we were trying to take each other down.”

“You could make that up, you know.” Sam said, “I mean, if you want to dance with him. I’m sure I can keep Janie from feeling like a wallflower.”

“I’m done dancing with Barnes.” Nat said into Sam’s ear. “Not that that was a test or anything.”

“It wasn’t.” Sam furrowed his brow, “You’re impossible.”

“ _You_ can’t seem to get enough of me.”

“So… you two?” Millie asked Natasha, nodding toward Bucky on the dancefloor, after it was clear she and Sam were through with their banter.

Natasha looked out onto the dancefloor, “It was something very special, so long ago.” She looked from Millie to Steve, “I wasn’t keeping anything from you.”

“I know that Nat. What happened?”

“Stolen memories, repressed and recovered. You might know a thing or two about that.”

“Second hand.” Steve nodded.

“I should have said something to you before coming. Sam seemed to think my being here would be ok.”

“It is. Don’t you think so? I thought it went smoothly between you two.”

“Hah.” Nat’s breath wasn’t quite a laugh, “That wasn’t smooth, I completely ignored TJ’s fiancé.”

“For two seconds.” Sam rubbed her shoulders and down her arms. “It went well.”

“Can you believe he’s out there, dancing, laughing?” Steve couldn’t help that he felt proud, so much had happened, and Bucky deserved this.

“He looks happy.” Millie answered, looking between Steve and Natasha.

“He deserves it.” Natasha said with a wistful smile. “As do we. They’ve taken up enough of the dancefloor. Time to take it back.”

In agreement, the foursome stepped out onto the dancefloor, joining TJ and Jack on the outer edge, and filling in space closer to Bucky and Janie, who were reeling it in. The crowd followed suit, picking up as the song changed to another up-tempo number.

The dancefloor was swirling colors, people dressed in period clothes, and others just dressed to have a good time, and everybody having a good time. There was no sign of the group from one table over, and that put everyone at ease.

When the band announced a break, the group headed back to their table in a laughing, teasing crush. “Make way for Fred and Ginger.” Steve called out when Bucky slipped past him for his chair.

“Yeah, yeah.” Bucky scoffed.

“Speak for yourself, I’m honored to be compared to Ginger Rogers.” Janie laughed, “you two aren’t so bad out there yourselves. Good going Millie.”

“Thank you.” Millie tipped an imaginary hat, “I had good material to work with.”

“I told you I taught him everything I knew.”

“Ok, but why isn’t anybody talking about what a stunning couple Sam and Natasha made out there?” TJ asked, “You two are incredible.”

“Nat’s taught me a thing or two.”

“Such humility in this one.” Natasha smiled, “Sam has moves.”

“Yeah he does.” TJ winked causing Jack to laugh.

“Simon? You were no slouch out there.” Janie touched Simon’s arm, “where’s your dance partner?”

“She pulled a Cinderella on me.” Simon shrugged. “Or not entirely. I did get a number. It might even be hers.”

“The way you two were dancing, I’m confident she gave her real number.” Natasha reassured him. “Is it just me, or are there way too many people who look alike at this table?”

“That’s the weird thing I was trying to warn you about.” Sam chuckled. “We think it’s hydra cloning.”

“That’s always said in a joking manner, but you keep saying it.” Janie frowned. “You’re serious?”

“It’s being looked into.” Steve shrugged. “Jack’s going to start there on Monday. I hope you don’t mind a bunch of research while we have a quiet minute.”

“If I can command a squad, almost run a news outlet, and remotely guide you two through Gilboa and almost into Gath, I think I can handle a little research.”

“Ok, but _that’s it_ for business talk right? I think dessert and Bucky’s birthday gift should take precedence.” Janie looked around the table, daring anybody to disagree.

TJ took the bait. “I thought the gift-giving was going to be handled differently?”

“Well, I made a judgement call.” Janie pulled a square, flat box out of her bag, “Bucky, we all wanted to give you something. Steve and I were talking and I spread the idea around, every one of your friends contributed to what’s in this box.”

Bucky picked up the box, it was about five inches square and couldn’t possibly hold something bigger than a handkerchief. He smiled at the idea, before remembering that you could fit an insane amount of information on a chip smaller a grain of rice. “You guys didn’t have to get me anything, this” he gestured the group and the event, “is enough, honestly.” He untied the dark blue ribbon and opened the box. Unfolding the tissue paper, he saw a polaroid photograph of a motorcycle.

“Obviously we care a lot.” Sam winked.

Bucky laughed, pulling the picture out of the box and its nest of tissue. “Obviously.”

“Don’t listen to him. The address on the bottom is where you’re going to go pick it up tomorrow.” Janie rubbed Bucky’s arm.

“You guys!” Bucky looked around the table, overcome with emotion, “I’ve got the weirdest, best, goddamned family.”


	61. Chapter 61

“Jack?”

He vaguely heard the voice as his name was called repeatedly. Jack stood at the window of his and TJ’s new home, looking out over their quaint neighborhood. He watched from above as the movers seamlessly unloaded his and TJ’s new furnishings in spite of the summer rain shower, his gaze faded from the bustle below to focus on the droplets forming on the window as he sank deeper into his thoughts.

“Jack, you’re going to be late.”

Jack felt her hand on his arm, cool and gentle over his shirtsleeve. When he looked away from the window, his eyes met those of his sister’s. “Can’t believe I’m here. We’re here.”

“Nervous? I can guarantee you TJ is too.”

“Excited, I think.” Jack covered Michelle’s hand on his arm. “I’m so glad you were able to come. I can imagine restructuring a government is time consuming.”

“I wouldn’t miss your wedding for anything.” Michelle tugged on Jack’s arm, leading him toward the door. “Your new home is going to be wonderful.”

“That’s what TJ’s sister-in-law tells us.” Jack smirked, grabbing his suit-coat from where he’d placed it on the piano bench. “How they got the delivery dates mixed up with my wedding day, I’ll never know.”

“That’s not your concern right now.” Anne said from the hallway leading to the bedroom. “My assistant knows where everything is supposed to go, and I’ll make sure everything is ready for your homecoming. Michelle, could you tell Douglas I’ll meet him there?”

“Of course I will.” Michelle smiled and waved as she escorted Jack through the door. Michelle and Anne had gotten close in the days leading up to the wedding.

In the car on the way to the botanic garden, Michelle stopped the drumming of Jack’s fingers no less than six times.

“Jack, are you going to tell me what’s gotten into you?”

“It’s my wedding day. Can’t I be nervous without it being a covert action?”

“Of course you’re allowed,” Michelle smiled. “It just doesn’t seem…”

“I’m terrified.” Jack said in a quiet voice as he watched the rain drops form and slide along the glass. “Everything has been building and building up to this, who said I deserve a happy ending anyway?”

“Jack, there’s no ending on your horizon, it’s a happy middle. You can still have a miserable end if that’s what you want. In forty or fifty years, when you’re old and decrepit.”

“Gee thanks.” The smile tore at him, tugging and pulling until he could resist it no longer. “Thanks Sis.”

“Yeah, any time. I’m always happy to remind you that you’re doomed.”

“Maybe save some of that doom and gloom for another event huh?” Jack gave his sister’s hand a squeeze. “On second thought, don’t remind me, I’m good at that on my own.”

“Ok, no more of this.” Michelle sat forward on the seat of the limo and turned to face Jack. “You do want to marry TJ, don’t you?”

“I want that with all of my heart.” Jack looked away from his sister again, watching the buildings pass by, “I just don’t think I deserve him.”

“Nonsense. Is this more self-flagellation? You’ve atoned for the things you did before… Before everything.”

“What if this is a farce? What if who I am is rustling under the surface, waiting for me to get lazy. What if I hurt TJ the way I’ve hurt everyone else? and James?”

“I see you’re still carrying your conscience around with you. That’s a good thing Jack. If you weren’t concerned about this, then we could really worry.”

“You sound like my therapist.” Jack turned tear-filled eyes to meet his sister’s gaze, “You think we’re going to be ok?”

“Jack, I’ve thought that ever since you came back to Gilboa with TJ.”

The car made its final turn and approached the wedding venue. Michelle straightened Jack’s tie before smoothing her own skirt. “Thanks.” Jack whispered as the car rolled to a stop.

“Smile, this isn’t your execution.”

“You don’t think that’s funny, do you?”

“Actually, I do.” Michelle’s laugh was musical and teasing as she accepted the driver’s assistance out of the car. “You will too, in an hour or so, maybe.”

“We’ll see.” Jack pushed himself to get out of the car, he’d been looking forward to this day since the second he saw the ring, since he knew what direction he wanted to go with TJ. Fear wasn’t going to conquer him.

Michelle’s escort offered Jack coverage from an umbrella, but he waved him off with a preoccupied smile. He looked around the location they’d found together, and spotted Bucky talking to Margaret. “Lee must be with TJ,” Jack said quietly to Michelle. “Do you think that’s good or bad?”

“Why would it be bad? If it were his grandmother with him instead, wouldn’t you say the same thing? I’m sure TJ’s fine, even if he is nervous.”

“Maybe he’s realized how bad I truly am.” Jack gripped Michelle’s arm a little too tightly.

She stroked his fingers before loosening them herself. “No Jack.”

* * *

TJ watched the rain slide down the window of the atrium. “I don’t want to move it inside.” TJ answered Janie’s suggestion. “It’s not going to last, and besides, it’s supposed to be good luck.”

“Maybe you’ll get a rainbow.” Janie hugged TJ’s waist. “That would be the best gift.”

“Do you think Jack’s going to go through with it? He’s been so on edge the past few days, and the way he snapped at me when I asked if he had everything he needed…” TJ sighed, hunkering into Janie’s hug, “What if he leaves?”

“You’re kidding right? He’s hopelessly in love with you. I’ll bet he’s worried you won’t go through with it too. I think it’s normal.”

“Is it? Or is it typical “rom com”?”

“They do have happy endings,” Janie stepped back from TJ and straightened the lines of his jacket, “but this is your happy beginning.”

TJ blinked back tears. “Could you find my mom?”

“Sure thing sweetheart. Don’t run off.”

“I’m not going anywhere. If you see Jack, make sure he knows that.” TJ thought he heard Janie say something reassuring, but he was too busy fretting over possibilities.

He crossed the space to the outer doors, the rain wasn’t pounding, but it wasn’t letting up. Nana had arranged for a veritable bouquet of umbrellas for the guests, TJ had discovered when she swept through the atrium earlier with Steve, her arms, Steve’s, and Millie’s all full of brightly colored portable shelter.

TJ breathed in the summer storm and floral scents with a contented smile. It was going to be fine. He could get from now to the time of their cozy ceremony without any help. He could weather the emotional storm. He gave in and sent a text to Jack that simply said, _you will be mine_.

“Tommy.” TJ’s mother’s voice calmed his nerves just a little more. “I was just coming to find you when Janie said you wanted to see me.”

“Any wise words before I do this?”

“You want _me_ to give _you_ advice?”

TJ chuckled at the sound of disbelief in her voice. “I’m sorry, I was horrible for a while there, wasn’t I?”

“So was I.” Elaine straightened TJ’s tie, “You know? Jack looks like one good wind and he’ll bolt.  You don’t look quite as agitated. Did you two argue?”

“He snapped at me, but no. I know he’s been worried. He had two after-hours therapist calls last week. I think his “self-worth” worries are creeping up on him, wedding, baby, new home – you know – all at once.” TJ held his mother’s hands, squeezing twice, “He’ll be fine. He's made it this far.”

“You’re right. You’ll both be fine. Look how far you’ve come.” Elaine looked fondly at TJ. “Now if this rain would stop.”

“No.” TJ smiled. “It’s good luck. Tying the knot – the knot tightens in the rain.”

“I pray for that.” She smiled at her son. “You deserve it. Ok, so if we’re facing this rain head-on, it’s time, are you sure you don’t want your father or me to walk - ?”

“I’m meeting Jack at the top of the aisle and we’re going together. I want you and Dad to sit and just…” TJ breathed. “Just be. We’re giving ourselves to one another.”

“You don’t need anybody to give you away, I got it.”

“You shoulda had a girl.” TJ grinned, “A gay son is still not a daughter.”

“You,” Elaine fought a laugh, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Go.”  TJ gave his mother a squeeze before watching her leave the atrium.

When he walked through the door opening his yellow polka-dot umbrella, he saw the group of friends and family they’d hand-picked to attend the wedding all shielded by solid and patterned umbrellas, and then he saw Jack in his periwinkle suit and nervous smile. TJ sniffed and smiled back, melting a little.

Jack moved closer, and TJ held himself back enough that he didn’t appear over-eager. By the time they met at the top of the aisle, TJ was sure he was going to lose it. “Hey.” He whispered when Jack’s hand closed over his.

* * *

Jack had passed by Bucky and Margaret; he’d waved at Steve and Millie; and he saw Elaine go into the atrium. He was about to look around for someone and ask if the ceremony had been moved when Janie handed him a bright orange umbrella.

“Jack!” Janie grinned. “You look positively – ”

“Terrified?” Jack’s free hand gripped Janie’s frantically. “Good, that’s the lük I’ve been cultivating.”

“You look stunning. TJ is pretty freaked out too. It’s ok, that’s supposed to happen, right?”

“Is it?” Jack did everything he could to keep tears from betraying him. “Janie, is this…”

Janie hugged Jack tight, “You’re entitled to a fit of nerves, but you don’t have much time to entertain them.”

“I guess that’s better too, right?” Jack forced a smile.

“Remember TJ? He’s anxious to be your husband. If you still want that, you only have a few minutes. As soon as Elaine’s done with him he’s going to be looking for you.”

“Your pep talks are getting weirder,” Jack returned Janie’s hug, “They still work. Thanks Janie.”

“You betcha.” Janie gave Jack a once-over, brushing away the hug-wrinkles in his jacket. “Go get your boy.”

When Jack saw TJ and his little moment of trying to retain his composure, he knew he was doing the right thing. He smiled and followed the draw that pulled him toward TJ. He grasped TJ’s hand, his heart melting at the soft “Hey” that escaped.

Jack brought TJ’s hand to his lips, kissing his fingers. “You ready Kitten?”

“Shh.” TJ suppressed a laugh, “don’t.”

“Mew.” Jack teased as they took their first steps toward Bucky and Janie who were standing up for TJ and Jack respectively. He was able to keep from laughing, but only because he didn’t look at TJ from the second he said it, until they were in position in front of the officiant.

Janie hugged each of them, and Bucky started with a handshake that was quickly aborted and replaced by a hug before the officiant began:

“Today is a celebration. One of love, of friendship, of commitment, and of family. A celebration of two people who have chosen to take the journey together.

“Thomas, Johnathan, you fell in love with one another by chance, but today we’re here because you’ve made a choice. You both are choosing each other. The choice you’ve made was to be with someone who enhances you. Someone who makes you smile, who makes you think, and who makes every day brighter.

“You’re about to make promises to one another in front of your loved ones. Promises that you intend to keep. You’re going to vow to take care of one another, to stand up for one another and to find happiness in the other. There’s a simple premise to these promises: You’re joining forces, saying to one another, “Everything I am about to experience, I want you to be a part of.” You’re vowing to be present for one another.

“TJ and Jack have chosen to recite their own vows.”

“Jack,” TJ looked from the officiant to Bucky and Janie, and then he looked beyond the pools of tears into Jack’s eyes, “I hope you know that I love you unconditionally and without hesitation. I promise you my love, my trust, my respect and above all, my support. Today I ask and choose you to be my husband in front of our loved ones, and offer myself in return. I will care for you, stand beside you, and share all of life’s adventures, joyous and trying, from this day forward and all the days of my life.”

TJ, my love,” Jack’s fingers tightened over TJ’s palms, as he blinked his stinging tears loose, “today I make you this promise: I will laugh with you in times of joy, and comfort you in times of sorrow. I will share in your dreams and support you as you strive to achieve them. I will listen to you with compassion and understanding, and speak to you with encouragement. Together, let us build a home filled with learning, laughter and light, shared freely with all who may live there. I choose you as my friend and lover, to be my husband from today through all the days that follow.”

“Jack and TJ you have both chosen to wear rings as a symbol of these promises. Instead of my blowing hot air about rings and circles, dear guests, will you bless the rings by pledging to love and support TJ and Jack in the promises you’ve heard them make today?”

The group was astonishingly cohesive as they all declared “We will.”

Janie handed Jack the ring she’d been holding. “Kitten,” Jack grinned, his hands shaking ever-so-slightly as he slid the ring onto TJ’s left hand. “I give you this ring that you may wear it as a reminder of my love for you and the promises we’ve made.”

TJ pretended to pout as he took the ring from Bucky’s hand. “Jack.” TJ’s brow quirked punctuating the sarcastic tone, before TJ’s features softened to a smile and his fingers fumbled the ring over Jack’s first knuckle. He pushed the ring a little more smoothly into place, glancing between Jack’s face and the task at hand, “I give you this ring that you may wear it as a reminder of my love for you and the promises we’ve made.”

“By the authority vested in me by the State of New York, I affirm your vows and pronounce you legally wed. Of course you’d probably like to seal it with a kiss.”

Jack bit back a grin and almost lost his composure anyway when he saw TJ’s tiny giggle. He pulled TJ to him with his hand on TJ’s neck, kissing him tenderly, and being kissed in return a little more fiercely.

...  

TJ pulled out of the kiss as their friends and family cheered. He looked at Jack with a goofy, soft smile. “We’re married.” TJ said before kissing Jack again. “We did it.”

“We did.” Jack’s smile was wide and wonderful. “I love you so much TJ.”

“Do you think we could sneak away for a few minutes? All the build up – I’d love a short walk in the rain with you to recharge.”

“I understand exactly. I’d like that.”

TJ spotted his grandmother talking with Steve and Bucky, they were closest, and she was just the no-nonsense person to help. “Nana, if anybody asks, we’ll be back in a few.” He saw her wheels turning in preparation for a response, “Just taking a brief walk.”

“Well, that’s what I’d tell them anyway.” She shrugged. “I’m so happy for you TJ.”

TJ hugged his grandmother, “me too. Thank you Nana.”

Margaret patted TJ’s cheek when he kissed her, and did the same when Jack kissed her on the opposite cheek. “Thank you Maggie.”

“Just don’t take too long. I can’t cover for you forever.”

They walked the garden paths, holding hands, listening to the rain as it hit the pavement and the leaves on the trees. TJ broke the silence once they were away from the crowd of people who were heading into the atrium. “I was so nervous. I thought you were going to leave.”

“I had a sort of negative fantasy about leaving, about not being worthy of any of this, of you. I wasn’t going anywhere, I was in our place, so if I hadn’t shown up, at least you’d still find me.”

“I’m glad you showed up. I wondered if it was a self-worth issue. I know you’ve been busy and tired. I know the harsh reality of getting married and having your only family represented by Michelle, must have magnified how your losses felt.”

“You know me so well. I did sink into self-pity for a few minutes there, but having Michelle there…”

“I’ll be sure to thank her.”

“Me too, again.” Jack smiled. “You know I would have shown up. Don’t you?”

“Of course. Must have been nice to have your sister’s reassurance when you felt despondent though.”

“She’s done a lot for me. I hope I can repay her someday.”

“I’ll help you find a way. Although,  I’m sure she doesn’t feel it’s necessary.”

“You’re right, she will. That’s why we’ll work on it together.”

“I think, if you’re a good uncle, and become a good father, she’ll feel more than compensated.”

“Message received, shall we join our celebration Kitten?” Jack stroked TJ’s jaw with his thumb before claiming his lips in a much less chaste kiss now that they weren’t on display.

“Sooner we do, the sooner we can leave.” TJ laughed against Jack’s mouth. “I missed you over the last two days.”

“If only your auditions hadn’t run late the night before last.” Jack’s hand slid slowly down TJ’s shirt-front before he took TJ’s hand. TJ watched him play with the ring he’d put there only moments before.

“It _was_ worth it the late night, we did find a great lead,” TJ admitted. “Although, I’m still considering whether or not it was worth missing you.”

“When I’m your date at the Tony Awards, then we can talk about whether or not it was worth it. Come on, let’s get out of the rain.”

TJ folded their shared umbrella and they hurried back to the atrium. The building was bustling with voices and music. The voices stopped when they breached the doorway, leaving the rustle of the servers and the music playing in the background.

“Never fear, we didn’t go far.” TJ smiled. The applause felt warm and weird at the same time. “Hey, save that for opening night.”

Jack straightened his shoulders, and TJ gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m fine.”

“I know.” TJ nodded as he faced Jack, placing his hands on the lapels of Jack’s jacket. “Just friends and family. There’s nothing to be stressed about. Besides, I’m leaving the doors open so we can escape if we need to, as much as we need to. The sky is clearing, maybe we can catch a rainbow.”

* * *

On the plane, Jack sat against TJ while they looked through the window at the setting sun. They had been blessed to see a rainbow at their wedding celebration and now they were relaxing on a chartered private jet to Greece.

“Are you sure you’re ok with the last minute change TJ?”

“Bucky was right today, when he said we should take our honeymoon without making it about parenthood errands just yet. Lucinda will be in New York in less than a month. That’s soon enough.”

“I rather thought you were looking forward to Paris and what? reading to James?”

“I was excited about it, but I’ve been thinking about what Bucky said, even before he said it. This is our last chance to go somewhere without a child or without finding someone to watch him and worrying the whole time. We’re going to have ample opportunities to visit Paris, and Greece is one place I haven’t been dozens of times.”

“I’ve never been.” Jack admitted. “It wasn’t crucial to Gilboa’s interests, nor was I allowed to consider any schools outside of Rome, France, Germany, or England for my foreign studies.”

“Never? We’ll remedy that. I can’t say I’ll be the best tour guide ever but I’m pretty sure we can get lost and sunburnt together all the same.” TJ stroked Jack’s side with the tips of his fingers, “I wasn’t all that clear-headed when I was there last.”

Jack took TJ’s fingers in his, stroking the sides of the ring there, “has it even hit you yet? Husband?”

“I’m still processing, but Jack?”

Jack turned his head to meet TJ’s eye, “yes?”

“Kitten.”

“Yes Kitten?” Jack chuckled.

“I _am_ your _husband_ but you should _not_ call me that. Call me ‘Kitten’ or ‘TJ’. Refer to me as _your_ husband. But don’t make it my nickname.”

“Ok.” Jack nodded, bumping his head against TJ’s chest. “You can call me –”

“Trouble.” TJ interrupted. “I can call you ‘Jack’ or ‘Jackass’. Or ‘Sweetheart’.” TJ placed a kiss on the top of Jack’s head, not moving from the clean smell of his hair. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Kitten.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please take a moment and let me know what you think - comments are inspirational :)


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